I would like to say thank you if you're one of the people who still reads this story. have no real explanation for why it took me so long to update, but I haven't had any motivation to write and even if I had I'm limited on time with my work schedule. I do have some more chapters written after this one so I will try to get them uploaded at some point in the nearish future. Now back to the story.
Recap of previous chapter:
Amelia has been cutting a lot and has just opened up to Arizona, explaining how much she has been struggling recently. In a therapy session it is decided that Arizona will ask Amelia 3 questions a couple times per day (how is she feeling? When did she last cut? Does she need any support?).
Hailey (Amelia's room mate from rehab) has made a guest appearance with her son, Luca.
Arizona POV
"How are you feeling?" I ask Amelia the first of the three standard questions that we have incorporated into our regular daily routines.
"Tired, but I'll be okay after a cup of coffee. I'm kind of dreading tonight though."
"Why?"
"Seeing her brings back memories. I was a different person back then. I was pregnant when she last knew me, which is crazy in itself. Derek was still alive back then, he used to call me every morning while I was in rehab."
"Change is normal, Amelia. Plus, Hailey has changed too. It's more than possible that she is experiencing the same issues as you with the return of unpleasant memories." I attempt to alleviate some of my girlfriends anxiety without invalidating her emotions.
"Maybe. I don't know, it feels weird. Plus she knows I was raped. I didn't want her to know, but she does."
"I very much doubt she would bring it up in front of the kids, or at all really, but if she does, you can just tell her you don't want to talk about it."
"She brought it up at the hospital the other day. Not directly, but she asked if you knew. If still felt weird though." My girlfriend reveals. It's a little surprising that she hadn't mentioned this before now but I don't tell her that, instead I just offer advice.
"If she does bring anything up, just tell her you don't want to talk about it. I'm sure she would understand. Is there anything that she knows that Sofia doesn't? Or that I don't?"
"I don't know. I uh, I've blocked out a lot of what happened back then. Plus I wasn't detoxing, so I had other priorities."
"Is there anything I can do to help?"
"Not really."
"When was the last time you cut?" I dread asking this question. I understand that it's one of the questions that Amelia and Anne discussed and decided it would be a beneficial for Amelia's mental health, that doesn't mean it's any easier for me to ask. I feel as though the question implies I don't trust her, or that I'm forcing her to disclose even if she isn't ready to do so. It also never gets easier to hear the answer, especially when it's bad. That is something I will have to work on.
"Two days ago, I almost did today but I stopped myself."
"What happened?"
"It was literally 10 minutes ago. I chose to talk to you instead and now we are here."
"Thank you for coming to me, and being honest. I love you."
"I love you too."
"Are you having a sad moment or an overwhelmed moment?" Sofia asks as she steps into our bedroom to see Amelia curled up in my arms. I look at my girlfriend, non-verbally communicating to one another through eye contact and facial expressions.
"Overwhelmed, mostly." Amelia responds and Sof approaches the bed. She climbs up and crawls to lie in between my girlfriend and I. She knows that when Amelia is sad, she doesn't like lots of company, but when she is overwhelmed, hugs are acceptable, encouraged even. Our daughter lifts her head, making eye contact with Amelia to ensure that her position is okay, that she isn't making her feelings worse. Amelia places a light kiss on her head and moves her arms to wrap them around Sofia. She wraps one arm around her body and runs her fingers through her daughter's hair with the other.
"Are you overwhelmed because Hailey is coming?" Sofia has always been observant, aware of the things going on around her but it's only recently that she has begun understanding how emotions can link to events. She is maturing so fast. It feels like only yesterday that she and needed such situations explaining.
"Yeah, I am."
"Why? I thought she was your friend."
"We knew each other a long time ago, Sof. It's complicated."
"Complicated how?"
"I've changed a lot since back then. And she will probably want to talk about things that happened back then that make me sad."
"Oh. That makes sense. I'm sorry I invited them here." I see Amelia list her head and her hand tilting Sofia's chin so that they're looking at each other.
"You don't need to apologise, it's okay. I'm sure it'll be nice to spend time with her, it'll just be a little hard at first. But sometimes the hard things are important to do. I likely would have offered to meet up with her somehow regardless."
"You're sure?" Sofia asks, still looking a little concerned that she may have caused the uncertainty that Amelia is struggling with.
"I'm positive. You didn't do anything wrong, Sof."
"Do you have anything you need to do today before they come over?" I ask my girlfriend.
"Not really. Kinda wish I did though, a distraction might be useful. Why?"
"Amy, can Luca eat normal food again after his surgery?" Sofia chips in, a seemingly random question in the current topic of conversation.
"Sure, as long as he doesn't feel sick."
"Then can we make cookies? We could use your recipe that makes the really good ones. I think Luca would like them."
"Sounds like a good distraction to me." I agree with a smile. "You up for making cookies, Amelia?"
"Only if we all help. Baking cookies is a family activity."
"Is that a rule?" Sofia asks, puzzled by Amelia's statement.
"Not strictly, but I think its a fun activity to do all together. Plus I love a reason to do things with you and you mom and the same time."
"Oh. Okay, I understand." Sofia nods. "Can I do the mixing?"
"Absolutely."
Amelia begins measuring out the ingredients, passing the to Sofia in the order that they need to be mixed together. I watch them work together, I can see the love between my girlfriend and my daughter, and it makes my heart swell with love. I appreciate the pair of them every day.
Although it has been discussed before that Amelia used to bake when she was younger, it is a rare occurrence here. Since she has moved in, there have been very few baking experiences. She made the chocolate fudge cake with Sofia one time not long after Addison visited, and she has made pizza dough a couple of times for Sofia, but not much else. Despite this, the recipe still exists in her mind. She doesn't check her phone or have it written down, she simply knows what to do.
"Az can you put the oven on 375 (190C) please?"
"Done. You need anything else?"
"Demerara sugar?"
"Do we even have that?" I ask, I don't believe I've ever bought the product in my life.
"Yeah, it's behind the regular sugar. I bought it not long ago when Sof asked for Flapjacks for a school bake sale."
"Those were so good." Sofia grins, sharing a glance with Amelia and laughing, though why they're laughing I'm unsure.
"I completely forgot about the bake sale."
"Don't worry about it, I sorted it. You were busy."
"I have no idea how I survived without you." I tell Amelia, walking behind her and wrapping my arms around her stomach.
"You had me!" Sofia exclaims, laughing lightly. "I just had to remind you about things more."
We work alongside each other, Amelia offers instructions to Sofia and myself, she monitors our actions to make sure things are going correctly as she periodically tidies up Sofia's mess. I joke that she is giving me boring jobs. I complain that Sofia gets to make the dough while I am preheating the oven and lining the baking trays, but Sofia informs me that Amelia just "wants the cookies to survive" and that I am "bad at baking". She isn't wrong, baking really isn't my forte, but I feign offence at her words, though I smile she understands that I am not actually insulted.
It is moments like this, where the three of us are engaging in trivial activities, having fun with one another that I truly appreciate our little family. I never knew what I was missing until I met Amelia. When she is relaxed, she is carefree. The smile on her face is real, it is authentic happiness. She brings out a type of happiness in me that I did not know I could experience. She makes me a better mother, a better partner, and a better person. When Callie and I broke up, I never, not even for a moment, considered that Sofia would have another mother. Even while Callie was with Penny, I could tell that Sofia did not view her as a maternal figure, but with Amelia it is different. The bond the two of them share is incredible.
"Amy, do I add both bags of chocolate chips?" Sofia asks, holding a bag in each hand, inspecting them for the weight.
"Yep, put them both in and keep mixing. It'll be thick, so let us know if you need help."
"I don't. I'm strong."
"You are very strong indeed, but even strong people need help sometimes."
"I know that. I just think I'm strong enough to mix these cookies. I will ask for help when I need it." Sofia explains all knowingly.
When the cookies are in the oven, Sofia takes Amelia by the hand to sit in the living room. She pulls my girlfriend down to sit next to her and proceeds to lean into her side. "Am I okay to sit like this?" Sofia asks, cautiously, looking up at Amelia and waiting for her permission before relaxing. When Amelia agrees, Sofia rests her head on my girlfriend's chest. Amelia wraps an arm around our daughter's shoulders, hugging her back. Sofia must have heard me asking permission before engaging in physical contact with Amelia before. Though she is usually okay with non-sexual physical contact from me, I tend to err on the side of caution and ask anyway, though I had not notice that Sofia had paid attention to this. Sofia does not ask for my permission, therefore I can't help but presume she has developed an understanding of Amelia's difficulties and is behaving accordingly. Just when I think my daughter couldn't be more incredible, she surprises me with something like this. I am so incredibly proud of her.
I sit down on the armchair, allowing my girlfriend and daughter to spread out across the couch. I watch as Amelia runs her fingers through Sofia's hair, a small act of affection between the two, and I can see the love between them. I have looked into the options for making Amelia one of Sofia's legal guardians, and it is simpler than I had expected. Due to myself being her sole legal guardian, I just have to send in a few forms and it will take some time to go through the family court system, but it shouldn't require any visits as I am in support of the change. Callie, however, is more difficult to organise legally. As she has lost in the previous custody case, I can't file for her to be readded as a guardian without causing further legal ramifications. I trust that if anything were to happen to me, and Amelia got custody, she would continue to allow Sofia to choose her living situation like she does currently, but this is a much bigger discussion that will be necessary to have with both Amelia and Callie, and potentially with Sofia at a later date.
"Mom, why are you staring?" Sofia asks, and I realise I had been day dreaming whilst looking at my girlfriend and daughter.
"I'm just thinking about how much I love you both, how much I love our little family."
"We love you too Mom, right Amy?"
"Yeah we do. Come here." Amelia instructs, shuffling her embrace with Sofia to create a gap for me to sit with them. I walk to them, sitting down in the gap by Amelia's side, and place a kiss on the top of my girlfriend's head. "We love you so much, too."
Hailey and Luca arrive not long before dinner is ready. Amelia had made fajitas, one of the few meals that she had learned in rehab. She explained that she and Hailey took the class together, and the meal was one that they both enjoyed. Incase Luca was a fussy eater, Amelia also cooked some turkey dinosaurs and fries knowing that Sofia would also snack on them if Luca did indeed want the same food as the adults. I can tell that Amelia has planned this. She has planned the meals specifically, and it wouldn't surprise me if she has planned out the whole night in terms of activities and conversation topics. I know planning things is one of Amelia's coping mechanisms. Planning reduces surprises which therefore reduces the chance of a slip.
I made the decision to ask her about her intentions for the night. I am not against her having organised things, in fact, I am fully supportive of her efforts, especially if it helps reduce her cravings. That being said, I would like to know her plans so that I can support her in implementing them.
"So, I can tell you have thought a lot about what is going to happen tonight, and I was wondering if you could tell me what you have organised?"
"Hmm?"
"Well, from the effort you have put into specific meals, I can tell you have made plans for the night, and I know your plans help you stay sober. I want to know what you have planned so I can help you stick to them, the plans I mean."
"Sometimes I don't like how well you can read me."
"And why is that?"
"I don't know. I'm just not used to it, I guess. I'm used to just doing things without justifying my decisions."
"You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. You don't have to justify your decisions, I just want to support you where I can."
"I know I don't have to, I'm not complaining, it's just weird." Amelia explains with a shrug, walking towards me and wrapping her arms around my torso and resting her head in the crook of my neck. I hug back, giving her time to formulate her thoughts. "I was thinking we could play a board game with the kids, and then put a movie on or something."
"We can definitely do that."
"If she brings up my rape, or the nightmares, or panic attacks, I want to change the subject. I don't think she would bring it up around the kids, so if we stay with them for most the night, it should be safer."
"That is reasonable. What about drugs?"
"I don't know what Luca knows, and it isn't my place to tell Sofia about Hailey's past. If she brings it up, then I will go from there, but if she doesn't, I would just presume Luca is unaware. I'm not too bothered if she wants to talk about it though." Amelia is explaining when we are interrupted by a knock on the door.
Amelia POV
Dinner passes fairly quickly. The conversations are mostly filled by Sofia's ramblings about her school work, and about the newest book she has been reading. She occasionally asks the young boy a question, wanting him to be included in the dinner conversation. Sofia's verbose commentary is cut short when the young boy raises his hand.
"You don't have to put her hand up, kiddo. You're allowed to talk whenever you want here." Arizona informs him.
"I have a question for Sofia." He begins, looking to our daughter before beginning. "Which one is your Mom?"
"Luca, that isn't polite." Hailey informs him, giving a stern stare.
"It's okay. I get asked a lot." Sofia responds maturely. "They're both my Moms, and I have another Mom, my mama who lives in New York. I was in my Mama's belly, but then my Mom adopted me. Now Amy lives here too and I got another Mom."
"Wow. That's confusing." Luca exhales, his eyes open wide in curiosity and amazement. "You have three Moms and a Dad. That is crazy."
"Yeah, but my Dad died, so I just have three moms now."
"You still have a Daddy, even if he isn't here. That's what my Mom says. Right, Mom?"
"I did say that." Hailey nods, looking a little panicked that this isn't the same philosophy that had been used to explain Mark's passing to Sofia. She is worried that her Son has said too much. I see her concern and step in.
"Your Mom is correct, Luca. I like to think of it like that too."
Midway through the meal, the young boy excuses himself to use the bathroom. Hailey takes the opportunity while he is gone, to apologise for her son's earlier comment. Though both Arizona and I tell her that it's okay, that neither her or Luca had said anything upsetting to us nor Sofia, she insists she should explain.
"It's been really hard since his Dad died. He rarely talks about it, and I've been trying to help him understand. I guess something I said finally got through to him. I think that's also because of you, Sofia. I wanted to say thank you for talking to him in the hospital. Amelia told me what you talked to him about, I hope that's okay."
"I didn't do anything special."
"Well, you helped my little boy, and that's pretty special to me. So thank you."
"That's okay. I liked talking to him. And I think he's okay. He's probably just worried talking about him will make you sad. That's why I didn't talk to my Mama about my Dad." Sofia explains nonchalantly, not understanding the depth of the words that she had revealed. Of course this is something that Arizona and I were aware of, she has mentioned it to us before, but it is clear to everybody in the room that Hailey was unprepared for such an impactful and personal statement from a ten year old.
"Losing somebody you love hurts a lot, but I still want him to talk to me about it, even if it hurts me. I'm sure your Mama would want the same."
"Yeah. I know that now." She nods. "Amy knows what it is like, her fiancé died." Sofia states a little abruptly. Hailey looks at me, offering a sad smile but also communicating a question. She wishes to know how to proceed. She does not want to say the wrong thing.
"Hailey knows about Ryan, Sof."
"Did you meet him?" The girl asks, sensing that I'm not anxious nor panicked. She can tell I'm not triggered by the topic.
"No. I met Amelia not long after he died."
"When she was pregnant?"
"No, I don't think-" Hailey begins but I step in.
"Yeah, I was pregnant then. I just didn't know it yet. It was really early in the pregnancy so there weren't really any signs."
"Oh. I'm sorry, I…"
"It's fine."
"Why don't we talk about something a little happier, Sofia." Arizona suggests and I nod, grateful that my girlfriend had noticed my discomfort. I was fine with the initial conversation, and I was okay when Ryan was mentioned, but I'm not prepared to talk about my Son. I'm trying too hard to hold myself together.
"So you have another child?" Hailey asks as I am dropping the pair off home. Luca had revealed the pair had got a bus to our apartment so I offered them a lift home. Initially Hailey had declined, telling Arizona and myself that a lift was unnecessary, however when her son had fallen asleep in our apartment, I offered again and she agreed.
"Had. But yeah." I nod. I do not offer any more details than are necessary to answer her question.
"Ryan's?"
"Yeah."
"I'm sorry. That must have been tough."
"It was. It still is. But I'm okay." I offer with a sad smile. The young woman beside me turns to look at her son, she appears to be checking that he is still asleep before she turns back to look at me.
"I call bullshit. You're not okay."
"I have good and bad days, but I have a family here and I'm clean. I'm not doing too badly."1
"It'll get easier."
"What will?"
"Everything. You're never going to stop missing him, but one day you're going to be able to think about him, and talk about him, and remember the good memories. It won't always hurt as much as it does now."
"I think you're forgetting I've been through this before."
"Your boyfriend died when you were 17. This is different. You married Matt, you have a kid together. It's going to hurt more. But still, it'll get easier."
"I hope you're right."