JEREMIAH
Laurel asked us if we wanted to help clean up and put all of the furniture back in place. There were many tasks and renovations that needed to be done in the house, and we all agreed that it would be best to stay for a couple of more days there and helped out. Laurel said Belly and Conrad are coming back today to pitch in as well. There was never a doubt that we would help clean up the mess we had made, and we genuinely wanted to restore the house to its previous condition for Laurel.
The past two days have been the worst. Belly barely replied to any of my texts, and seeing her wear Conrad's shirt drove me crazy. I felt betrayed, even though I was sure nothing had happened between them, that wasn't who Conrad was. He wouldn't pursue Belly, knowing that she is in love with me. He knew she was in love with me.
I took the large box filled with mom's porcelain plate collection away from Laurel as we heard the front door open. Laurel peaked first, and I followed right behind her.
Belly walked in first, carrying a bag of peaches, laughing at something that Conrad had said to her. He followed closely behind her, holding two boxes of the good muffins. A muffin run, following the peach stand? He surprised me on a whole new level; this wasn't what I was expecting, not from him.
They both stood in their tracks after they saw me. It was obvious that she wanted to walk up to me and hug me. I couldn't play mad, I just wanted her back. So, I placed the heavy box on the floor, watching her jump into my arms where she belonged. I spun her around, partly because I didn't want to let go of her and partly to give Conrad a clear view of who Belly was always supposed to be with.
Once I put her down, I noticed Conrad already left to the kitchen to put the muffins out for everyone to grab. I guess it was too hard to watch, like it was for me for the times he was with her. It was torturous and inevitable, he had every right to bring his girlfriend home and enjoy time with her. The most painful thing about that was the fact that mom wanted them to be together so badly. She loved the idea of her firstborn start child to be with Belly, whom she already considered her own daughter. It killed me that she never even considered me being the right person for Belly, I really hoped she would see how much I was hurting and missing Belly, but she just couldn't hide her excitement. Nevertheless, I couldn't be mad at her. Conrad did love her, and Belly did have the biggest crush on him for as long as I could remember. But that meant nothing. People change, and so do situations. In my case, it changed the better.
I always enjoy spending time with Belly. She brings out the best in me, she challenges me to be better, for her. She doesn't compare me to Conrad, she doesn't let me feel like less. I deserve that kind of love, I deserve to be my own person, be loved for who I am.
„It was so amazing, mom!" Belly squealed excitedly and hugged her mom quickly.
The only thing that was keeping me calm with all of this was the fact that I will have a lifetime with her, a lifetime of concerts and trips and vacations, just the two of us. Conrad was leaving for Stanford pretty much any day now, so there was nothing I should be worried about. She didn't choose me lightly, it was a well-thought-out decision. She had her reasons for picking me. She loved me, she was just as sure of it as I was.
„I saw the videos Bean. I'm so glad you two had fun." Laurel said, returning the hug.
I took her hand to lead her back into the kitchen. Belly picked up the first muffin and sat on the kitchen island, handing one to Conrad. I took a step closer to her and placed a hand on her back. Steven walked downstairs, took a muffin, and greeted the two of them.
„You guys, thank you so much for staying longer to help." Laurel said, smiling at all of us.
„We should divide and conquer" I could barely understand what Steven just said, as his mouth was stuffed with the muffins.
„I'll start with mom's room." I said, not wanting anyone else near it, to be fully honest.
„I can do my room." Steven added, and Laurel agreed. She would take care of the kitchen, knowing best where everything belonged.
„The living room is mine, then." Belly smiled and plopped the muffin crumbles that had fallen into the palm of her hand into her mouth.
„It's spacious, I will help." Conrad looked at her with a glare that I couldn't fully read. He smiled at her, and for some reason, she looked very shy. She was fighting to look back at him. I didn't like the idea of that, but I would never intervene now, I already picked which room I would take under my wing.
We all ate the damn muffins Conrad brought with him and I made my way up to mom's room. It was shocking to me how anyone would have as cold of a heart to clear out this room. It was hurtful, to see this room empty. I knew she was more than her things, but when they were there, just the way she organised them, it was like she was still there, not physically, but she was just… around. I didn't think so many things would remind me of her. All of the things that she loved, but were never of much value to me, I loved too now.
Every once in a while, I could hear Conrad and Belly laughing from downstairs. Repeating in my head over and over again that they were just friends started to feel like a scene from a horror movie. I shouldn't be bothered; they have a history, but that's all it will ever be—just history.
Without thinking about it twice, I walked downstairs, interrupting a vivid discussion. They were standing in front of the fireplace as Conrad said:
„I don't" Conrad said firmly, not looking away from her.
„And I know you don't either" he added, and she looked away.
I walked in, and Belly instinctively took a step back. As much as I wanted them apart, I didn't want her to have a reason to step away when she saw me. There shouldn't be secrets between us, she should act around Conrad the same way she would act if I were there.
„You don't what?" I asked and Conrad rolled his eyes, annoyed by my sudden interruption.
„Nothing, it's nothing." She replied, trying to act all busy with the rollers and bucket of paint that was obviously too heavy, so there hadn't been much work done from the two of them, charming. I walked up to her, picked up the bucked, put it on the floor, took two brushes, handed her one, and starter applying the off-white paint on the wall, without saying another word.
I didn't even need to know, I needed to trust her on this. I needed to be on her side this time, I needed to trust that all of this was a healthy process of letting go of Conrad once and for all.
Conrad soon left to help Laurel in the kitchen, he was her favourite, too. Mom used to say they always had a special bond as he was their firstborn baby. He showed them the love they could feel for a newborn. Another relationship I was jealous of, I guess. I wasn't Laurel's ‚special guy', I wasn't anyones special guy, obviously not even Belly's as she hasn't said another word after I interrupted the conversation she was having with Conrad.
The silence between us was deafening, and all my attempts to touch her or crack a joke failed. She needed time that I was running out of, I needed answers, I needed reassurance. It was getting painfully difficult to make up more excuses for her.
„I think I need some fresh air." Belly said. As if she called him, Conrad followed her, placing the champagne glasses on the counter, not even looking back for a second.
They walked outside and I stood there, watching the door close. This wasn't fair. Laurel walked up from behind and placed a hand on my shoulder. I shook it away, probably harsher than I initially intended to.
„You know, sometimes, finishing a book is harder than starting one." She said and walked back into the kitchen. I loved Belly, she deserves good love, a secure haven, someone who will always be around. I can give her that, better than he could ever, she just needs to accept it, I'm offering that, she just needs to take it.
I was finishing the living room by the time they returned, it was already dark and we had already eaten dinner without them. It was very awkward between Laurel, Steven and me, uncomfortably awkward as no one wanted to address the elephant in the room. The last thing I wanted or needed was pity, but anything else they could give me now would be considered insincere, maybe even rude.
Conrad and Belly were very silent. He followed behind her, but still managed to open the door for her, as usual. I didn't believe in all of that, opening the door, carrying the purse and I think Belly didn't either.
Steven suggested we all call it a day and start fresh tomorrow. He pulled out some beer from the fridge and we all followed him outside. On our way out, Belly took my hand, and that little gesture instantly changed my mood. I felt strong again.
We all sat down on the beach, each one of us with a beer in hand. Steven took a seat between Belly and me, leaving Conrad the option to either sit next to me or next to Belly. Well, you can only guess which option he chose.
„I can't imagine spending my summers anywhere else in the world." Belly broke the silence first, her voice trying to sound chipper, I wasn't buying it.
„Me neither, I want to spend all of my summers here." Conrad said, the ocean almost overpowering his husky voice.
„To the summer kids" Steven raised his beer and we all clung our bottles. This is the one thing we call all agree on now, this house was worth saving, this house held memories and losing it was never an option.
„I hope you guys know, this will always be your house." Belly said, and Conrad's smile was genuine. Him being happy only around her was starting to annoy me, mainly because it wasn't even an act. He genuinely only cared about wether she was there or not, wether she was happy or not. The worst part was that he wasn't even ‚trying to get the girl', he just wanted her happy. It was confusing as hell, as to why he wouldn't just let us be then.
„We know, Bells" I answered, looking over to her, she looked hot with the moonlight shining in front of her, her cleavage unwillingly playing with my mind.
The rest of the night went by smoothly. We talked, like the good old times, teasing Belly, cracking jokes and drinking. It was nice having all of the summer kids together again, we still had that unbreakable bond. I truly loved moments like these. We would all head inside, and the way Conrad would secretly sneak caring looks towards Belly, making her shy again, was seriously getting on my nerves. I can't keep calm much longer.
Each one of us walked back to our rooms. It didn't matter that there were only unpacked boxes and a mattress inside, these rooms could never just stop being our rooms.
It was a strange new, calm feeling entering my room. It felt like my whole universe. I tried ignoring the fact that we almost lost it days ago. I needed to appreciate it more, the crack on the tapestry, the squeaky noise the door made when you opened it, the almost unbearably loud clock my mom picked out. They all emitted a different kind of energy now. I never want to be unable to call this my room. Having Laurel buy this house was the best possible solution. There were no safer hands than hers for Mom's house.
I lay in bed, attempting to sleep, without success. Unresolved issues and uncertainties were swirling all over my brain and I couldn't calm or sort them out. I truly loved Belly, she turned out to be this beautiful person, exciting yet innocent. She was a dream, but what good did that do if she still clung to my brother at every opportunity that occurs?
I know she already made her choice, or at least it felt like it days ago when she kissed me. She said it was certain, she said she loved me and that there is nothing to worry about. I know I should trust her, but trust is to be earned. I did my best to prove to her I'm all in, now it's her turn. I sacrificed my relationship with my brother, she needs to do the same. She needs to tell him to fuck off once and for all, regardless of the consequences.
Getting out of my bed was particularly difficult, trying not to wake anyone up. But I needed to speak to Belly, we needed the time alone and we needed to clear things up. It had been three hours since all of us went to bed, and I was sure she would already be sleeping. However, this was important, this needed to be talked about. This couldn't wait until tomorrow, before the worst possible scenarios in my head eat me up alive.
The squeaky sound of my door opening could only be silenced if I'd lift it up by just an inch, which helped a lot. With the first step I took out of my room, I saw Conrad walking out of Belly's room. Full with rage, I took a step forward to confront him, but then I saw it.
He was crying, I didn't see him cry since the funeral. He leaned against her door and he cried. He clutched his fists together, trying to collect himself, but it evidently didn't work. I took two steps back and closed the door.
She told him, my girl came through. This is what we needed, this is what I wanted. Belly finally let go and I know this feels like hell, I went through it, but this was the only way. The bandage needed to be ripped away. If it weren't my own brother, I would've done a happy dance right there and then. Nothing was standing in our way now. She was mine, all mine.
CONRAD
The noisy traffic was hard to ignore in the morning. We didn't close the curtains of the hotel room, so Belly could watch the city lights before falling asleep. I didn't mind, probably only because it was her. Otherwise, the room I'd sleep in needed to be pitch dark.
She turned around in her bed and noticed that I was just as awake as she was.
„Good morning." She whispered in her sleepy voice. I recognised it from the movie nights our mom's used to have with us, she always wanted to stay up late, but could barely keep her eyes open past 10 PM.
„Morning, Belly" I gave her a weak smile, testing the waters first. She had every right to be mad at me. I crossed so many lines yesterday I lost count.
She smiled back, thank God.
„It would be the world's biggest shame if we were to lose our friendship." Her words cutting like a knife. But this was my fault, I made myself so vulnerable to her, without her even knowing, I gave her words the power to be able to do this to me.
„I agree." I didn't, but I had to.
„I wish you would see how much I love Jere." She said, still looking at me with those eyes, tired, but never short of breath-taking.
„I do." I wish I didn't.
She finally sat up and walked over to her bag, pulling out clothes to change.
„Do you wish for me to stay away from you?" I asked her in full desperation. I needed this conversation to end on something else than her love confession towards Jere. I needed this to be more than what it was.
She hesitated, I could tell by her hands, they were nervously scamming through her bag even, though she already had everything she needed.
„That is the core of this problem, Con" she turned around, visibly frustrated. Her face always told the truth, this was as difficult to her as it was for me. This will never work this way, this can't come out of a fight, I don't want to orchestrate this. If there is anything, it needed to be right this time, this has to be honest and this has to come from her. I made my intentions clear.
„Belly—" She gave me a nervous and irritated ‚what?' look. It was plastered all over her body, it was tense and she didn't know how to keep it under control.
„Take your time, I'm ready to wait." My smile was mirrored on her own face, she looked radiant when she smiled. Her shoulders fell and she took a deep breath, giving me the world's smallest nod.
I stood up as well, and walked over to her, as my bag was behind hers. Instead of waiting for her to move to the next stage of getting ready, I reached for the bag. I stood directly in front of her and my breath against her cheek gave it a soft touch of redness. Among all the fields of science, her charming shyness was my favourite thing to study. I took my bag and gave her a minute to collect herself before she headed to the bathroom. It wasn't fair to tease, but if she knew the effect she had on me, without even trying, all of my actions would be justified.
She must never know how shy she makes me, how nervous I am every time I come close to her. She would use this as ammunition to endlessly mock me. But, it was the truth. All of my so-called flirting was an act to cover up the immense panic I feel just by accidentally touching her skin.
We had breakfast at the hotel. I rolled my eyes as she dunked her croissant into her coffee, but immensely enjoyed watching her thinking it actually annoys me. Our feet would occasionally touch under the table, those weren't accidents, my feet waited for hers.
„Did you know that croissants aren't even French?" I chuckled and she looked at me, confused.
„Just as hot dogs aren't American?" She challenged me and raised her eyebrow. At this point I could only nod.
„I always wish I could see more of the world." A long sigh escaped her lips.
„You will." I assured her.
„Easy for you to say, Susannah always took you on so many adventures." She said, sounding jealous.
„None of them compared to the summers at Cousins." I admitted.
„But how exciting could summers in Spain be?" She asked hypothetically.
„Depends on who you are with." She knew what I was referring to.
„So it was never about the house?" She raised her eyebrow, she knew.
„It was never about the house. Walls will never be home." I took a sip of my black coffee, before continuing.
„It was always about the memories, the people who were there and the people I wanted to bring there." I added, and she looked intrigued.
„Like who?" She leaned forward.
„My kids for once" I answered with a smile, I couldn't hide it thinking about the scenery in my head.
„You want to be a dad?" She asked.
„Someday, with someone." I jokingly added the second part.
„I think you will be a great dad." Her words meant a lot to me.
„I think you will be a great mom, if you decide you want to be one." I said.
„Someday, with someone." A particularly intoxicating smile formed on her lips before taking a bite of her croissant.
Our initial plan was to take a boat ride on the Hudson River, but after our call with Laurel, we decided to head straight back to Cousins. I couldn't let anyone but us clean up the mess we've made.
During the car ride to Cousins, we decided to roll down the windows and enjoy the summer breeze. I got enough ‚Sour Patch Kids' to last us for a ride to Alaska and the caffeine rush should keep us alert at least until we get back to the house.
„Can I drive?" Belly asked, her eyes open wide, jumping up and down in her seat.
„Absolutely not" I couldn't help but to laugh.
„Why not?" Her lips pounded, they always do when she wanted something she didn't get.
„Because I want us to get there alive."
„But I'm an excellent driver." She crossed her arms.
„You're excellent at trig, not driving." I loved that little laugh that unwillingly escaped her lips.
„Oh because my trig tutor was better than my driving tutor?"
„Could be, I'm not saying that it is I'm just—" I wish I wasn't driving right now, i wanted to take long looks at her.
„Well, my trigonometry tutor was a pain in my ass." I could feel her eyes rolling, I didn't even need to see them.
„Oh he must have had a blast with you." I teased, she knew that wasn't far from the truth.
„I bet you didn't even pay the poor guy." I added jokingly.
„I offered money, but all he wanted were kisses." Her laugh was contagious, it filled the air.
„Maybe you could give me his number." I gave her a quick glance and winked. She took my phone, which was connected to my car, and at first, I thought she would save my own phone number into my phone, but instead she changed the song.
Some of our conversations in the car were intense, some weren't that serious. We were in the middle of our conversation about Taylor and Steven when I noticed Belly watching us pass by the peach stand. I knew her well enough to know she would never say anything to make me turn around. So, of course, I turned around and ensured she got her pick of the best ones.
„It would've been a crime to miss out on these." She said shyly.
„I agree." I answered and watched her pick the first one out of her little plastic bag and rub it against her shirt in a pretty bad attempt to clean it.
„Do you think we could make peach margaritas?"
„We probably could… and we probably shouldn't" I chuckled, recalling the times she inhaled the pomegranate margaritas and graced all of us with her drunk alter ego.
It was my idea to grab the good muffins, I however liked the way she followed me inside. She smelled like peaches, and I thanked heavens for each breeze that brought her scent to me.
„We should redecorate your room" She said, out of the blue, just as we were about to park in front of the house.
„We should turn it into a spa." She added, making me raise an eyebrow at her. I got out of the car, balancing two boxes of the muffins.
„A spa?" I asked.
„Yes, for massages, mani-pedis, facials…" She started counting and failed in her own mission to keep a straight face.
„Yours has the perfect size for a gym, you know weights and towels to wipe away the sweat away and posters of naked chicks to motivate the dudes…" I teased her back with my worst impression of a jock, and we laughed walking into the house.
I made sure I opened the door for her, even though she was walking in front of me. Laurel's face was the first one to greet us, but she was more interested in the second one. Seeing her excitement about seeing him hurt even more than seeing him lift her up, like a trophy might I add. I couldn't decide which smile annoyed me more, his fake one or her real one. Well, I could tell you which one felt like a being punched in the face and which one made me want to punch someone in the face.
I walked pass them without them even noticing and placed the muffins intended for her on the kitchen island for grabs. Everyone followed, and Steven joined us.
It only made sense if Belly and I took care of the living room.
„We should start with the tape, we don't need to create an even bigger—"
„Do you ever think about it?" She cut me off.
I knew exactly what she meant, but I needed to buy time.
„About what?" My alibi question was unnecessary, we both knew that.
She just took a glance at the fireplace. There was nothing else needed to be said.
„Yes, do y—"
before I could finish she answered.
„More than it's allowed." She looked back at me. The tension in the room was getting heavier by the second, and there seemed to be nothing that I could say to her now that would follow my plan in being patient for us.
The reason this became such a hard memory to recall for the both us is not because it was a just a moment of a strong physical connection. I felt her that night in a way that if I didn't see her laying next to me the following morning I wouldn't believe it even happened. It's hard to go back to that and keep an arm's length of distance between us.
The look on her face conveyed things she never could. She walked over to the paint bucket, and lifted it up, carrying it over to us, handing me a brush.