Dr. Johnson, Tara's Neurologist and Dr. Lewis, her OB/GYN are waiting for Jax outside of Tara's ICU room. After the pleasantries have been exchanged Dr. Lewis tells Jax, "As you know already Jax we were able to stop Tara's bleeding and avoid a hysterectomy however; there is a chance Tara will experience infertility problems in the future. We can't say definitely until after Tara heals. We'll run the necessary tests then. Tara has some severe bruising in her lower back area from the fall. She also has three fractured ribs that have been wrapped. Along with the lacerations on her head that have been stitched and stapled. She has been given two litres of blood, and we are hopeful that is all she'll need. There is always the chance of brain damage with the amount of blood that Tara experienced, but we are optimistic she will make a full recovery. Tara's MRI shows that she has a severe concussion, but there doesn't seem to be any other damage. She will receive another one in 24-48s hour depending when she wakes up. She is still unconscious, and it could be a couple of days before she wakes up with this type of injury, we don't know. The good news is that Tara is breathing on her own and her blood pressure is back up and seems to be steady. Now we are just waiting for her brain to decide when it is safe for her to wake up. She is still listed in critical condition, and for now we will keep her in the ICU until she shows signs of improvement." The doctors excuse themselves and head in different directions.
With shaky hands Jax slowly and cautiously pulls the curtain back to peek in Tara's room. He is not prepared to see more machines hooked up to her; there are more now than there were in the recovery room. All of these machines make her look smaller than normal and her color doesn't look any better but at least he was able to get most of the blood off of her face it makes her look somewhat better. He pulls a chair around all of the beeping machines and slumps down heavily next to the head of her bed. Taking her small, soft hand in his and kissing it he sits there holding her hand trying to take a minute to collect himself. He strokes the back of her hand with his large callused thumb, while listening to the sounds of the machines.
His eyes are brimming over with tears that have been on the verge of spilling since he got that first call from Abel. He leans over to kiss her, and thinks how sweet her lips taste even now. He thinks what if I will never be able to taste her again? He stares into space as he gently strokes her hair and starts to tell her all about the baby again "Baby he weighs 4 pounds and is 18" long with hair dark hair. Tara I can never thank you enough for giving me another beautiful son. You did such a good job, I am so proud of you babe. I'll admit I was scared shitless without you telling me what to do but I figured it out." He can't help but to chuckle because there isn't a doubt in his mind that Tara would be doing just that in between contractions. He can't help it he loves his girl, every neurotic part about her. He can't deny that "living the life" all these years has curbed that down compared to how neurotic she used to be in high school before Tara started hanging out with his wild ass.
"I need to talk to you, babe, about names for the little guy we never really narrowed it down from our list, we thought we had plenty of time for that. I have decided that he should have a strong name, for a strong little boy. I have a few ideas. You know the roller coaster ride my emotions have been on for the past three years concerning my dad. There have been so many confusing things about my father that have been uncovered but he was still my idol for 15 years and he taught me to be fearless and to use my mind and to love openly with my heart. To always question what is going on and think it through. I want to name our baby John after him, the father I love. I also want to name him after the important, strong men in my life that have fought like warriors, men that have protected me and you, our family. I want to name him John Filip Winston Teller after Dad, Chibs, and Piney and Opie. Of course I will wait for you to give me the final okay but that is what I am shooting for." He kisses the side of her head as he's relaying this to her.
After spending another 30 minutes talking to her and holding her hand, he kisses her palm, then her lips and tells her, "Hey after I talk to Margaret I'm going to go see the baby then I am going down to the waiting room to see the club. They are all down there, babe, every last one of them. I bet Margaret is praying that they behave. She's probably trying to find a room to stuff them all in so no one sees them."
Jax gets to Margaret's office and knocks on the door and she lets him in. Margaret and Tara have become good friends after the kidnapping. At first Jax wasn't real sure how this relationship was going to work especially since Margaret didn't particularly like him to say the least. Jax knows that Margaret filled Tara's ear about the possibilities of leaving Charming. How can I fault her when she had Tara's best interest at heart? They have been spending more time together getting the center planned and built and Margaret finally sees the man that Tara had seen all along.
Jax sits down, "Margret I think we need to move the grand opening for the Women's Center back a month. I figure that will be as far as we can push it back. I want to let you know your salary will still start the same day it is supposed to. I don't won't you to have to worry about anything, take that time and do anything you need to do, just take a vacation spend time with your family, do whatever it is you want." She just smiles at him and gives him a slight nod knowing that Jax is making the right decision.
Jax admits, "I haven't been to the center for a couple of days but I know that Tara had been working on painting upstairs and I believe that is where...um...she left off. I don't really know what she had scheduled so I have to go through her things but I am not going to have time to do it anything in the next couple of days. I know she has a move in list in with her stuff, I guess we need to go from that and then let them know we will be a month behind and if need be, we can cover storage costs for anything that Tara had planned to be move in." Tara had been the one handling all of this because she hadn't started back to work yet so Jax is a little lost in what has actually been going on the past couple of weeks. The Women's Center is a joint adventure between Jax and Tara and she has been handling everything on her own the last few weeks. Jax had been busy with the club's newest investment "Playtime" a family entertainment center. Jax has also been busy with the club and their backing of the first and only mutli-sports complex for the Charming residents.
Margaret can see how the current events are affecting this young biker. "Jax, don't worry about any of that. Most of the people moving into the Women's Center work out of this hospital and we would gladly take care of that. These are people that are friends and we can all help do with what needs to be done. I will get the schedule from the Women's Center and make some calls. Don't worry about the Center. I will take care of that. But there is something else I think we need to talk about." Margaret lays her hand on top of his "And it doesn't have anything to do with the Center. It's personal."
Jax is confused about why Margaret would want to talk to him about something personal. He has no idea what it could be. Then Margaret begins, "Tara has left some things with me for safe keeping in case something ever happened to her. I was instructed to give them to you or Piney Winston, and since Piney is dead that only leaves you."
Aww fuck this can't be good. There is a look of pure shock and terror on Jax's face because he already knows if both Tara and Piney are involved it can't be good. The two people that Clay most felt threatened by; one is dead and the other's life has been drastically altered. He starts shifting in his chair threading his hands through his hair. Shit. He already doesn't like the sound of this. Jax rub his hands over his face and pulls at his beard trying calm himself and brace himself for whatever is coming next.
Margaret reaches in her desk drawer and pulls out a big manila envelope. "I feel these might have something to do with your mother and what is going on right now I'm not sure but they might be of some importance."
He looks at her wearily and asks, "What makes you think they would be about her?"
She looks and him and wants to shake him and tell him to wake the hell up but decides it wouldn't do any good. So she tells him, "Tara had locked the original documents in her desk drawer and happened to step out of her office one day for 5 minutes. When she came back your mother was sitting at her desk going through her drawer. Gemma gave some ridiculous excuse but Tara is anything but stupid and didn't believe her. Tara took them and made copies. I stopped by her office the next day and she asked me if I could keep something for her. She wanted to keep these safe, and told me if something happened to her then to please give these to you or Piney. When she pulled out the envelope and opened it she discovered there was nothing but blank pieces of paper in it. Tara's face fell and she looked pissed and scared but tried to play it off. Tara told me that she must have left them at home and she would bring them tomorrow. I had caught Gemma in her office twice that day going through her things. She made new copies and left them with me. This all started right around the time you were released from prison. I kept finding Gemma in Tara's office on a regular basis. Granted, she did have Thomas and was bringing him to be fed at lunch but she was still here all the time sitting at her desk going through Tara's things. I do know the ones that are original documents were locked in a safety deposit box at the bank. Once Tara had been told by the bank that Gemma was trying to get into all of the family's safety deposit boxes she brought those to me also."
"I think Tara has known that her life has been in danger for quite a while now, Jax. I can't imagine what she's been through going day in and day out knowing someone is trying to kill her and take what she loves the most in the world, more than herself, away from her."
"One day I was heading out of my office and heard Gemma threat to frame Tara for the nurse's murder and raise her two boys if she took the job at Providence. Some doctor's witnessed Gemma attack Tara one day in the corridor and had security escort her from the premises and she was ordered not to step foot in the hospital again. We tried to get Tara to tell you about the attack and I tried to talk her into giving you the envelope but she was scared. She didn't have enough confidence that you loved her enough to show you what was in this envelope. I feel that maybe Tara was being forced by Gemma not to give you these papers. I got the feeling from Tara that she knew her life was endangered. I tried to get her to leave but she wouldn't leave without you. She said that you had to be the one who wanted to leave, that you had to do it on your own. She was enthusiastic after your release because she thought you were leaving so I just let it go. Then, as you know her hand, was 'hurt.'" Now Margaret really has his curiosity up since he knows what happened the last time anyone had any letters to read. He wonders if these are the same ones or something altogether different. As if reading his mind, Margaret tells him, "I don't think these are the same because once the other ones came to light Gemma still tried to break in Tara's office and get these. I've heard Gemma threaten Tara on numerous occasions, threatening Tara and saying you would always listen to his mother over his wife. Some of the doctors heard Gemma threatening Tara, telling her she knew Tara would do anything to stop you from getting these and causing you more pain. Gemma was dangling your happiness in front of Tara and controlling her actions.
Jax had to ask, "Why didn't Tara tell me about all of this especially if she feared for her life?" Jax wonders just how much Margaret knows about their life, Tara evidently tells her things and trusts her and Tara doesn't trust many people. It seems that being kidnapped together and one risking their life to save the other creates a strong bond.
"She didn't feel like you would believe her over your mother and it would be one more thing to draw you into staying here. Tara wanted more than anything for you to believe in her because she wanted away from all of this; Tara was convinced you wanted it too. She was led by blind faith in you. She is a smart woman and she knew you would never leave unless it was your idea and you controlled the way it was done. She was so happy when you first got out of prison and then not a week later all this drama over these documents started. I could see her getting anxious and that something had her scared and then she was afraid you wouldn't leave. The day you were leaving for Oregon was the happiest I had ever seen Tara. Not even when Thomas was born and she was over the moon that day. Why did she think that your love had limits? Why was she so doubtful of your commitment to her?"
Jax couldn't help but to snap at the question. "Because I have let her down so many times before, I have given her my word and that proved to be worthless. I've made promises and never kept one of them. I asked her to put her faith in me and showed her nothing in return. I have been selfish and never took her needs seriously. I always pushed her aside allowed everything else to be first especially the club. I haven't cherished her as she needs to be and deserves to be."
Margaret continued, "I am not sure if Tara would want me to give these to you now. I will deal with the fallout when that happens but if they can help catch Gemma then I am willing to take that chance. I don't like the way that Gemma has used Tara's family to manipulated her and even having the club play on Tara's biggest weaknesses her insecurities and loyalties. My intentions are not to add any undue stress and trouble, especially for Tara, but I have a feeling I can't shake that these hold an important clue about this situation. After giving me the letters, Tara came back and asked me to return them to saying that these would cause you too much pain. Later on that day Gemma attacked her and she brought them back that same day. On that day Tara told me not let her take these away from me again."
Jax is sitting there dumbfounded, "I didn't know Gemma attacked Tara."
"One of the hospital staff was standing behind Gemma and Gemma didn't see her. She heard Gemma say she knew that you and, Tara were leaving town. Gemma punched Tara in the gut and told her that you would never leave with her. Gemma actually told Tara she hoped that she was pregnant and would lose the baby."
Fuck, all of this had floored Jax because he was pretty sure Tara was pregnant then. He sits there for a few minutes to see if she is finished or if there is more, God he hoped not. "Margaret thank you, you have my word that this will not cause any trouble between Tara and I. I will use what is in here to the best of my ability to stop Gemma. I am not letting her hurt Tara or one of our boys again." Jax stuck out his hand Margaret took it then Jax turned and walked out the door.
When Jax left Margaret's office he stands outside of her door so stunned he takes a few minutes to get his mind straight and try to decide which way to go. He decides that the contents of the envelope can wait until later on tonight while he's in Tara's room watching over her. There isn't anything that he can do right now anyway, he is already at the hospital and she and the baby are guarded but he decides that it is time to beef up security. If Gemma was willing to go through all that trouble for the letters what else has she done behind my back? What else was she capable of? This shit just keeps getting deeper. He is all twisted up and doesn't know what to do next or who to go see first. Then he decides to go check on the baby first so he can tell Tara how he is doing when he sees her.
Jax hasn't forgot the routine, scrub your arms first then work your way down to your hands, and then make sure you get under your fingernails. Jax went to the closet and grabbed a pair of scrubs to change into when he has finished Jax turns and backs his way into the swinging doors like the hospital staff. There are so many precautions that have to be taken to make sure that infections aren't brought into NICU.
Turning around when he clears the door he stops dead in his tracks. Jax's heart starts racing; it feels like it will jump out of his chest and onto the floor. His hands start shaking, and he can hardly breathe and he feels sick to his stomach. There in front of him, lying motionless under bright hot lights is his precious baby boy heavily sedated without even a diaper on. There is a hose with tubing in his mouth being held in place by white tape. It covers his face and follows the contours down his throat. The hose is helping his lungs take in air while the ventilator was makes a hissing sound. My poor little boy looks like he is being held together with white tape from head to toe, holding all the tubes, wires, IV's around his little 4 pound body. They are treating him like a fucking pin cushion, I just want to yell at everyone to STOP don't touch him, don't touch him again but I have to believe these doctors and nurses are doing everything within and beyond their ability to save my son but does it have to be like this? About that time a nurse comes in, and sticks his little toe, then squeezes it hard to make it bleed. The nurse uses a teeny glass coffee stirrer looking thing, then dabs it on the tiny drop of blood on his toe for a blood sample. It just made Jax sick to his stomach, how they were hurting his son, he's glad he's sedated so he doesn't feel all the pain inflicted on him since he was born. He had to remind himself, this is what Tara would be doing if he was one of her patients she would be working her ass off to save her patient and I have to trust they will too.
I can't stand to see him go through much more he is a feeling, living being and he is my son. Various machines are beeping and flashing alarms are flashing throughout the room. So many machines and monitors stuffed everywhere all working doing their job to keep a baby alive. There is activity all around him but Jax feels like he is in a tunnel; the sounds of beeps, alarms and voices are muffled around him. Alone, he walks over to the baby slowly with the feeling that this isn't really happening to me, not to my baby, this baby is an innocent; my baby is an innocent. He never hurt anyone, he hasn't had the chance to taint his own soul but he is paying the price for someone else's demons. When he reaches him Jax gently rubs the dark hair on his head, gently caressing him Jax can't help but to smile. He takes his big calloused finger and puts it in John's tiny limp hand. The same hand that hours ago, hell he doesn't know how many, time is still as far as he is concerned, grabbed his finger and looked him dead in the eyes like, 'Daddy don't let them hurt me.' He will never forget that moment and feeling for the rest of his life, it was nothing that he had ever experienced before. Such a pure unmarred soul looking straight through him he could feel it in his heart it had been scorched he had been branded by his 5 minute old baby boy. Jax is thinking, I have never felt anything as soft as his baby's skin as he takes the backs of his fingers and glides them lightly up the baby's arm and cheek. He looks up to see if he can tell what all the machines are doing. He can see the one with his blood pressure and his heartbeat on the heart monitor. We just saw his heart beat 2 weeks ago and it didn't look like that Jax thought.
Jax ever so lightly takes his index finger and strokes the light brown downy arms Jax thinks to himself, I don't remember this fuzz on Abel when he was born of course Abel was a little older. I don't remember feeling this scared either. I guess I didn't really know what being a father was about then, hell I didn't even have a clue. I guess that's a good thing I might have run away if I did. But now it's different I have two boys no three boys and a wife, I know what family is and I love my family more than anything, more than the club. I was going to leave the club for my family but we couldn't, we were in a bind and I had to stay so I wouldn't spend the rest of my life in prison and lose them for good. I hated the club for keeping me here, Tara hated the club for keeping me here, but it was my own fault. I let the greed and the hope for us to get away get us caught in this trap. It wasn't the only trap they already had the goods on us and we would have went away anyways. Tara helped clear us there but almost lost her freedom doing it. Now she could lose her life and our son is fighting for his. "You were keeping your mama and me together little guy, she's been through so much and would have left me but because of you she was sticking it out. You have to get better because I need you, your mother needs you, your brothers need you. You are the glue that has been keeping our family together."
Dr. Spencer walked into the room but Jax doesn't see him. "Hey Jax."
Jax turns around and shakes his hand. "Hey."
Dr. Spencer places a hand on Jax's shoulder, "How are you holding up?"
Jax sighs "I really don't know. I'm running on adrenaline and nerves. I 'm exhausted and angry and I am scared shitless at the moment."
"Believe me with the night you've had I completely understand."
"What is this fuzz that is all over the baby? Abel didn't have it."
The fuzz as you call it is lanugo it protects the skin until the skin becomes thicker it usually goes away around the 28th week of gestation, so he was already starting lose it, it is usually a lot thicker than this. I need to speak with you about your son's condition in my office. There are things that I haven't gone over with you yet.
Jax takes a deep breath lets it out slowly. Here it is; the conversation that he has been dreading. "Can Dr. Nameed sit in with us? I know that Tara will have questions that I will not be able to remember or answer and she trusts him."
Dr. Spencer smiles. Having worked with Tara he knows that Jax is exactly right. "I will be happy to page him and have him meet us in my office in 15 minutes. Is that okay with you?
"Yeah, that'll be fine."
Jax continues his visit with his baby until it's time to meet with his doctors. He has the weight of the world on his shoulder and all he can think about as he watches his son is. Letters more letters. I can't believe that my mother would try to kill my wife and our unborn child. That is just something I can't wrap my head around but why am I surprised, with the way she has been acting lately? I still can't believe she did this to my innocent son.
Finishing his visit with John, Jax makes his way to the other side of the NICU. He gets to Dr. Spencer's and the door is open Jax knocks on the door. Dr. Johnson waves him in and tells him to have a seat.
Jax sits down with Dr. Spencer, the baby's Neonatologist, and per Jax's request, Tara's former boss, Neonatal Surgeon Dr. Nameed. Dr. Spencer speaks, "Jax I understand that you have asked Dr. Nameed here to help you understand what is happening to your baby but also to be able to help you talk to Tara about his condition when she wakes. We all know that Tara understands what can, is, and has been happening to the baby; she is a Neonatal Surgeon after all. But when she rouses, then, she won't be a doctor, but a mother trying to make sense of her child's condition, and a mother that is missing the first days of her son's life."
Dr. Spencer continues, "We have come to a little bump in the road. Your baby has shown signs of Patent Ductus Arteriosus we just call it PDA to make it simpler. PDA is a blood vessel in the heart that connects the aorta, which provides bloods to the rest of the body, to the pulmonary artery, which send blood to the lungs. This allows blood to bypass the lungs when the baby is still in the womb. This vessel usually closes shortly after birth which allows for normal blood circulation. But with some babies, mainly premature ones, it remains open. When this happens blood flows in to the lungs causing respiratory problems. We are treating him now with a medicine, called nsaids, which is a nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug. We will monitor him and if the nsaids doesn't appear to be working he will have to have surgery. We will be going in to close the blood vessel manually. Do you have any questions?"
Bewildered Jax looks at Dr. Spencer like he is crazy. Of course I have questions. "Yeah a million of them. Is this surgery dangerous?"
"It's more dangerous not to have the surgery. He can't live with blood filing his lungs. If this medicine doesn't work then he will have to have this surgery."
"Okay then there's no question about what needs to be done then," Jax replies.
Dr. Spencer glances at Dr. Nameed quickly before looking Jax in the eye, "There is something else that we haven't spoken about yet and I think that it is time we do." Jax shifts uncomfortably in his chair. "We need to discuss the medical problems that most premature babies his age face."
"Like what?" Jax said defensively.
"Being on the ventilator can cause too much or too little oxygen to enter the lungs which can be harmful. If his body doesn't receive enough oxygen, energy production decreases. With too little energy the cells may not work well and may die, and his growth may be stunted as a result. Many of the developing organs, including the brain and heart, may be injured."
Jax dreads continuing the conversation but knows the doctor has to finish. "Too much oxygen can damage the lung. Too much oxygen in the blood may also lead to problems with his brain and eye. Babies with certain heart conditions may also need lower levels of oxygen in the blood. It is a tricky balance."
"Less than ideal oxygen levels can result in cerebral palsy, blindness, hearing loss, epilepsy, autistic spectrum disorder, learning disabilities and other psychological disorders. Then there is sleep apnea which carries its own lists of concerns. In addition premature babies have twice the chance of full term babies of developing schizophrenia or some other type of mental disorder. There can be digestive problems also, resulting in a feeding tube or severe acid reflux. There are heart murmur concerns. The most severe cases can cause the brain to hemorrhage."
"I am not saying your son will have these conditions. I just want to make you aware that there is the possibility of permanent disabilities, some severe. I know this is a lot to take in today, but I would be remiss if I didn't tell you. You do have a reason to be optimistic. You have a healthy son at home that was a preemie at birth and he is just fine. Just remember that."
Dr. Nameed speaks quietly. "You haven't told us the name of your boy, Jax. Had you and Tara decided?"
Jax smiles softly. "I would like to name John but I don't have the final approval from his mother yet."
Dr. Nameed shakes his head. "That's a good strong name."
Jax thanks Dr. Spencer and Dr. Nameed for their time and walks out the office as fast as he can to the waiting room outside of the NICU and sits down with his head in his hands.
FUCK