A/N: I need to thank McIlwain for constant support and guidance that is greatly appreciated and needed. I would be lost without her.
This is rated MATURE for a reason; language and sex.
The evening nurse slides quietly into Tara's hospital room. She makes just enough noise to rouse him from his nap; the nurse knows Jax would prefer to be absent as she attends to Tara's personal needs. Jax becomes more alert as the nurse intrudes upon his dark haven. To add insult to injury, the nurse turns on the room light. Jax begins standing and stretching his limbs – the hard hospital chair produces nothing but stiff, sore muscles and an aching back. But still, he thinks, it's worth it if it allows him to be with Tara each night.
Jax takes his phone out of his cut and checks the time; 2:30 am, just great. Jax doesn't want to stick around and interrupt the nurse's routine so he so he exists into the hall to see what Tig is doing Tig spots Jax and relays to him, "I can stay with Tara if you want, Jax, if you need to be somewhere. I don't have any plans on going."
"I'm thinking about having church late this morning but it really depends on what's happening around here. I'll call in the Nomads so we can all be there. Other than that I am not planning on going out anywhere except to go see the baby."
Tig and Tara had become closer; well, she is no longer afraid of him and he doesn't think she's a stuck up snob anymore. How can Tig not respect her now? Since she came back to town she has always been there for the club. Not only removing bullets or stitching up a brother, but almost going to jail for the club as well. And how can Tara not be grateful to Tig? Tig was the one most worried about freeing her from Salazar. Tig had also served as her and the boys' bodyguard and knew he would give his life for her and her family.
As though reflecting, Tig tells Jax, "You know when Salazar kidnapped Tara and called for the ransom Salazar called for the ransom drop he put Tara on the phone. I knew that she was scared shitless but when I heard her voice I could tell that she was trying to be strong. Her voice never wavered she wasn't just doing it for me but showing Salazar that she wasn't weak that the VP of the Mother Charter Redwood Original's Old Lady wasn't going to beg. I was proud of her bur I was also was scared shitless about what you would do when you got back from Ireland."
"The first time I had ever been with Tara outside of the clubhouse was when Gemma called Tara from her father's house. At least it was bullets and not a bite on my ass this time. We were together for about three days. Tara was hurting so bad from losing Abel, then having to keep it from Gemma while Gemma was going on and on about how she didn't trust Abel with anyone but Tara. That ripped Tara's heart out, feeling guilty about what happened to him and the way that you were treating her. Tara needed someone to talk to someone to know that someone to talk to her and to know that someone had her back. She was dealing with things by herself and still helping Gemma pack up things from the house, helping get Nate settled in and saving Gemma's life when the caretaker tried to kill her. I know that you were pissed when you found out brother, that was a true threat brother - if Tara hadn't killed her she would have killed Gemma. We had to tie the caretaker up in the basement; Gemma had panicked when she found out that the caretaker was going to turn her in for the ransom but that was all on Gemma and me and that it was before Tara got there. Tara was actually helping the caretaker down in the basement somehow she got loose and knocked Tara out with an oxygen tank. I know I'm stepping over the line here but I just can't leave it unsaid; you treated Tara like shit she didn't deserve it and if you ever treated her like that again, president or not I will personally kick your ass."
Jax couldn't help but to feel proud of his wife with all she had done for the club but also how she has handled herself the exact opposite that he handled himself. "I understand and I hope that you would protect my old lady even if it is from her old man because I will never forget all the pain and heartache I caused her. It still hounds me to this day - I was a dick worse than a dick. And now this. All this misplaced anger and unnecessary violence has to stop." They both sit in silence for a while, both thinking it would be best to talk about lighter subjects and just shoot the shit.
Finally, Jax lets out a deep breath, then tells Tig, "The only thing Tara has done wrong is loving me. I thought that getting out of the illegal shit we would finally all be safe and look at us now. Tara and our son are fighting for their lives and it isn't even from a rival gang it's all because Gemma is jealous of her. She doesn't want to give up her position of being the Queen where Tara could care less about being the Queen she just wants to be by my side. Gemma thinks she is a member of the club she just can't let it go. I can't believe that Tara stuck it out one week back when we first started dating. Gemma put her through hell I am sure that I don't know half of the stuff she did, Tara wasn't a snitch she never was and still isn't."
Jax hears the sincerity in Tig's words. "Do you know how rare it is to have a woman that has loved you and only you since you were kids? Man, you need to cherish that love and carry it with you and never take it for granted or throw it away again. To have someone unconditionally love you? I wouldn't know what to do with that kind of love hell I don't know what to do with any kind of love."
With that said Tig got up and went down the hall towards the nurses' station. Jax couldn't believe what Tig said he has never heard him talk like that before but then again they have never been close, Tig was Clay's boy and Tig has always considered Jax a kid and never liked Jax's ideas or opinions they have only began to get along since Jax has become president.
Jax is heading down the quiet halls of St Thomas Hospital. His legs automatically lead him to the NICU. At four in the morning there isn't anyone around except hospital staff. That is what Jax likes about this time of night, he towards the NICU at 4 in the morning, he can slip in and see his baby son and there is hardly anyone in there to disturb his time with his baby. He laughs to himself wondering if Happy is going to surprise him with some deep shit too. Just as he turns the corner Happy is coming towards him and he knows this can't be good and sure enough he is telling him that the doctors have just finished a procedure on the baby. Jax takes off running to the NICU to find out what is going on.
Dr. Spencer meets him and Jax wonders why the doctor is here this late? Doctor Spencer sits Jax down and tells him the bad news. "Dr. Nameed and I had already discussed with you about John's lungs being under developed lungs, and his need for a ventilator. Unfortunately, the ventilator has blown a hole through the thin lining of his lungs. We are inserting a chest tube to let the air escape so his lungs can heal. We are going to have to monitor him closely to see if his lungs heal."
Dr. Spencer can see the pain written all over his face and knows all too well Jax's heart is breaking. Dr. Spencer knows Jax needs to be with Tara, at this moment, so he tells him, "Go on to Tara's and I will come and get you as soon as there is word about your son." Dr. Spencer has worked with Tara for three years he can't help but to admire the love that Jax and Tara share. Dr. Spencer is still saddened by the loss of the hospitals best pediatric surgeon. It was an honor working with Tara and her accident ended her career too soon. Dr. Spencer knows that Jax was the one to come up with the idea of the Women's Center and Clinic financing it himself making it a business venture for him and Tara together. Things had finally started looking up for the young couple and now. Hopefully they are able to fight against these odds as well.
Jax looks and feels defeated as he walks down the hall back to Tara's room. He doesn't want to tell her about the baby yet he is going to wait until he knows something. Jax silently enters Tara room just wanting to be close to his wife, needs to be able to feel her so he carefully slides her over just enough so he can lie next to her. He feeling the warmth of her body tenderly he snuggles up close to Tara's: the warmth of her body as he holds her close almost makes him whole. Bringing her hand to his lips he kisses the back of Tara's dainty little fingers one by one then brings her palm up to the side of his face. Closing his eyes as the warmth and softness of Tara's hand against his face stirs a familiar wakening within Jax's body. Jax thinks it almost feels normal, his wife by his side in his t-shirt smelling like heaven. He gives a silent thank you to Lyla and allows himself to smile.
They will take Tara down for her MRI in a few of hours he is praying to anyone or thing that will listen that his wife wakes up soon he is afraid that she might not get to see their son alive. Jax doesn't to say it out loud because he is afraid that it will come true; as each hour ticks by and there no good reports just bad ones, he becomes more scared that their baby won't live.
Jax lays there as he talks to Tara whispering in her ear feeling the warmth of his breathe as his lips and whiskers gently brushing against her ear until he drifts off to sleep.
An hour later there is a slight knock at the door and Tig comes to wake Jax and lets him know that Dr. Spencer is here to see him. Jax kisses Tara on her temple then he carefully slides out of bed. Jax doesn't want to take the chance of Tara hearing this conversation right now.
Sr. Spencer tells him that the baby's procedure went well and now the only thing they can do is wait and see what happens now. Wait that is all he has been told for two days! Dr. Spencer tells him it will be just a little while before he can his son. The doctors need to observe him to see how his lungs are functioning. Jax goes back into Tara's room. He briefly considers calling the clubhouse but figures his brothers aren't up yet. Jax knows he needs to have church and decides to have it at his house. That way he can discuss business and spend time with Abel and Thomas. He feels guilty for leaving the hospital but he really needs to hug and kiss his boys he needs that contact with them just for little bit and then he will be back. It's still be a while before they take Tara down for her MRI so he begrudgingly decides that now would be a good time to look at the package undisturbed. He wants to see what Tara has left him, knowing that she wouldn't be present when he receives it. Wondering what was going through her mind as she prepared it, knowing she wouldn't be here to give it to him and that thought alone scares the shit out of him. Jaxx grabs a chair and uses the table to empty the contents out of the envelope. The first thing he finds when he opens it is a letter from Tara. He braces himself and starts reading it.
Dear Jax,
I am so sorry that you are receiving this package and I am not able to be there with you. Please understand I never wanted these letters to hurt you I never want anything to hurt you including the contents of this envelope. You will notice that there are some letters in here that you have seen and letters in here that you have you haven't. The letters in here that you haven't seen are ones that incriminate your mother in your father's death. She conveniently destroyed these letters so you wouldn't see them and only showed you the ones that incriminated Clay. Gemma didn't know I had made copies of all the letters. Gemma thought she was safe once she tore up the originals. I have already been drug through hell because of these letters. You will find some original documents that your mother never knew about; I hid them in the safety deposit box along with the accident report from your father's accident.
There is also a report from a private detective I hired to find the driver driving the truck that hit your father. You had already suspected that she had something to do with his death so I didn't feel that it was necessary to give these to you. Unlike her I never wanted to hurt you and would do anything to protect you. If you are receiving this package without me, I have been successful in that goal.
I didn't want to destroy your world completely with the knowledge that someone who is supposed to protect you and love would destroy the world around you to get what she wants. I love you Jax. I would do anything to protect you short of hurting our boys. Their lives have also been in danger due to these letters; this is another reason I never let anyone know about them, to protect myself and the boys. They have already tried to kill me and we know how that ended.
What you do with these letters is up to you, you are the only one that knows about them now. Margaret was the only one who knew that I left something for you and I trust that she didn't look in the package. She had seen the results of what the letters can bring to those who knew about them.
I want you to know how proud I am of the man you have become. Continue to take care of and love our boys as I know you will. Kiss my boys every night for me and tell them I love them from the moon and back, tell them that I am the brightest star in the sky because that is how much I love them.
Forever your love,
Tara
Jax is dismayed realizing that Tara wrote this note knowing that she was going to die which she feared would be a the hands of his family. He doesn't know how to feel about it, he is mad at himself for never fully listening to Tara and her worries and concerns over his mother. He never once listened to Tara's accusations about his family. He just always tried to smooth things over instead of really listening to her and putting any once of truth to what she was saying. In one way or the other Jax had always formed the opinion that his mother was right and Tara was always wrong and he loathed himself for that. Jax can see it now but never before thought he was his mother's puppet, she couldn't stop his love for Tara but she could always plant that seed of doubt, working on his own insecurities. The fear of trusting Tara wholeheartedly, that if Jax did Tara would hurt him again, that she wasn't strong enough for their world.
Jax sees what a lie that is- Tara is stronger that anyone including him could ever imagine and she has truly loved him without any reservations. When Jax thinks about it, it has been that way since day one. How could he have been so stupid? He never really let Tara back into his world when she returned. All Tara wanted to do was love him and be with him to help take his troubles away and yet he shut that part of himself off to her. That is why she left he kept pushing and pushing her away taking his conflicting feelings about the club and himself out on Tara making her the bad guy when she just wanted for him to let her in. How could he be so blind not to see this? How was he that fucking blind, because Tara was his world?
They come for Tara to take to get her MRI so he kisses her as they take her out. He sits back down and starts going through the rest of the letters feeling more nauseous with each reading. There it is in black and white Gemma knew, she knew what Clay was going to do and he would bet that it was her idea as ruthless as she is. She and Clay are the perfect dangerous match.
Jax sits back and breaths deeply while thinking to himself, Why didn't Tara just tell me about the letters to begin with? If she had just come to me none of this would ever have happen and she would still be a surgeon and Piney would still be alive, maybe even Opie if she would have just trusted me and brought the letters to me.
If she would have just trusted me. Well that is a hell of a statement why should she trust me? Through the years when something came up and she came to me about anything: my mother, a problem she was having or our trouble's our relationship troubles I would just pet her on the head like a puppy and send her on her way. Never listening to her, if I was honest with myself then I would say I never believed her or maybe it was just I never wanted to believe her. Looking back now no telling where we would be today if I had listened to her or believed her, I listened to her long enough for her to finish so I could get in her pants. I love Tara always have she wasn't just a gash it wasn't that I just wanted her for the sex. When I am inside her it is like we become one. That we are one being and you can only have that with that one being. I should know, I never had that before Tara and sure as hell didn't after she left. Why should she trust me when at the first sign of trouble I drop her like a hot potato and fuck someone and throw it in her face in front of everybody? Why would she trust me? I told her that everything would be alright that she wouldn't go to prison well we know how that went. I kept promising her that we would leave and start a new life and we didn't. I never sat down with her and talked about it. Then everyone blamed her for leaving when I was the one that came to her with an engagement ring, promising her and our boys a safe way out. But I did want out and if we were still in the position that we were before we would be out. I don't blame her for not trusting me, how could I be mad about that? If I am going to be mad at someone it would have to be at myself.
The loneliness that Tara must have felt when I wouldn't listen to her the frustration alone had to be unbearable. But she loves me always has and I trust she always will that's good because I will always love her. Having to live those 14 months without her was unbearable and it will never happen again. Tara had to live those 14 months with her only lifeline she knew was a murdering lying bitch. The conflict she must have felt well I know how she felt because I felt it too. What would have happened if Gemma never found that cover letter? Or has anyone really questioned why Maureen put those letters in my bag in the first place? Why would she give up something that is supposedly treasured what did she think was going to happen? Was this just a bitter jealousy towards Gemma? Or is it something else? Is this all for some other reason?
I knew that something was worrying her she and now I know she was afraid for her life all the time. She knew what Gemma was capable of more than anyone actually she was the only one that knew other than Clay, JT and Piney. But even they didn't know the whole truth only Tara did. Damn Tara... you could have gotten killed; fuck, you almost did. They tried to murder my wife. How could they do this to me? What did they want to do this to me? It wasn't about me at all it was about them, it's always about them. Tara knew the truth; it didn't matter who knew, they would have done the same thing to anyone who stood in their way. This wasn't about me, it was all about them.
Jax decides that he wants to talk to the private detective that Tara hired. He finds his number in the report and calls him. The detective's wife answers the phone and tells Jax her husband died four nights ago in a hit and run accident. Well shit, what now?
Jax just sits there stunned wondering what to do now, should he even do anything? What if there is something out there that can nail his mother? But the only concrete evidence out there would be the accident report and maybe something from the private detective but he is no use now. He decides to call Eli, Eli has already seen the other letters. Jax showed them to Eli when they had their discussions about Clay and how he should be 'handled.' A smile quick comes to his face. That one is taken care of. It's one less to worry about. There is nothing wrong with showing him these and the accident report along with the private investigators report. Maybe Eli could get some information from the PI's staff, maybe, just maybe, there might be some kind of lead to the truck driver. Maybe he talked to the detective before he was killed. Maybe just maybe somewhere there is something or someone that can shed some light on exactly what happened with his father. What is the reason, why did they want to get rid of John Teller? It wasn't because Clay wanted his wife. John didn't give a shit about Gemma. He had another family in a different country, was this all about the gun deal? If John wanted out why the hell didn't he just go away if he wanted out so bad, wanted his other family? If Jax hadn't seen the quagmire of his father's life in Ireland he would believe the 'I want your wife'explanation that Gemma claims is the reason my dad is dead.
But Jax saw it first hand, yeah both hands on his sister's tits, he found out the truth. Jax closes his eyes and shakes his head wondering how fucking stupid could he be? Why did he do that? Is he more like his dad the part he doesn't want to be? The part that skips out on his family, his responsibilities, the promises that he makes to love, honor and cherish someone is he just like his dad? Is John's death going to answer anything or bring up more skeletons? Tara talked to the PI so maybe there is something that he said to her that isn't in here? Jax can wait he is not bringing up these letters until after Tara is home and has recovered then and only then will they discuss them. What about Unser? Did he just cover up the accident or did he play a bigger role? Jax has the feeling that Unser was being squashed by Clay's thumb, he will definitely have to talk to him but he wants to tread lightly there it has been no secret that Unser has been in love with Gemma. That is how she controlled him, and Jax has no idea how far Unser will go to protect her. But Unser has really been there for Tara this past year or is that his guilty conscience, trying to make up for the past?
He has been told that it will take a couple of hours for Tara to get through the MRI and other tests that they have just decided that they need to do. That's when Jax decides needs to get out of the hospital and get some fresh air so he heads for the doors because the air around him now feels awful damn thick.
Jax leans his back against his bike while smoking a cigarette, a habit he had given up months ago with Tara's urging. Well... she insisted there was to be no cigarettes in the new house not even outside around the house, especially the pool. Tara was adamant about cigarette butts in water and there wasn't going to be any in her pool. Tara is so cute when she gets riled up, smoking does that to her. I guess if I was a doctor it would me too. She said that he and his brothers could smoke at the house gate and only the gate. The guys weren't happy about that but no one was going to argue with Tara about cigarettes.
Jax stares at the window of the hospital. He knows that isn't Tara's room but it doesn't stop him from thinking like it is. Half of his family, half of his world is behind those stucco walls. He would do anything for them. He was going to walk away from the outlaw world the only life he knew and do it willingly, it was his idea. But the CIA stopped that. He told Tara to take the boys and leave but she didn't leave him, she believed in him, that he was going to change things and he finally did with the support of his wife.
It would be foolish to think if he had left then his family wouldn't be on the second and third floors of St Thomas Hospital. No they all could be. In fact there would be an ever stronger probability that his whole family could be behind some hospital walls. That Gemma would have been a bigger threat to his family if they had left. That doesn't sit well with Jax, it leaves a putrid taste in his mouth.
Jax figures this would be a good time to leave: Tara will be busy with her MRI and her other tests. He would love to see his boys, he needs to see his boys. He wants to feel them in his arms.
Jax decides that he will call Eli Roosevelt and show him all of the letters and reports. He calls Eli and asks him to meet him at his house in 30 minutes. Eli doesn't ask any questions as to why Jax wants to see him he just readily agrees to meet at Jax's.