A/N: As always a special thank you to my beta McIlwain who is always just a PM away when I need her.
Thank you kiara8921's Heart of the Lioness for sending her Fresno Charter to Charming to help SAMCRO when the mother charter is in need of their help.
This is rated MATURE for a reason; language and sex.
Jax slowly opens his eyes and looks down at his wife. Tara's hand is lying on Jax's chest while her arm with the IV is draped across his stomach. Jax smiles at his girl; Tara finally looks peaceful. Jax knows she's far from it, but he likes to pretend that she is, even if it's just for a few minutes. Jax slowly slides out from underneath Tara; he holds her bandaged arm upright to avoid any jarring. Jax glances at Tara before leaving the room: the last thing he wants is to wake her up. He knows the day will probably be another rough one for her and she'll need all the sleep she can get.
Jax slips out the door and into the hall after ensuring Tara's continued sleep. Two Fresno patches are watching the door, and he greets them. "Mornin.' Anything happening that I should or shouldn't know about?"
"Not that we know of, we've only been here for about an hour. Tig went back to the clubhouse to get something to eat and hit the sack for a couple of hours. He said that he would be back around nine," Tom Tom replies.
"Okay, I'm going to go talk to the nurse. If Tara wakes up come find me. I'll be at the nurses' station or in the waiting room making some calls." Jax is relieved that it's been quiet for a while although he knows that it won't last long.
Jax's phone rings as he heads to the nurses' station. The caller says he's needed in the NICU. Jax knows this isn't a good sign so with a heavy heart he turns around and heads to the NICU. For a moment he thinks about waking Tara but decides he can just relay whatever it is to her when he's finished. Jax needs to know first so he can break it to her; Jax feels it in the pit of his stomach- it won't be good news. As Jax approaches the NICU he sees Happy and Beverly sitting down in the waiting area.
Beverly stands up to tell Jax the doctors' waiting. When Beverly informs him that Dr. Spencer, Dr. Love and Dr. Nameed will be present, Jax knows. He can feel it. This is the end, Jax keeps thinking as he follows Beverly to the doctor's lounge. Jax could've told Beverly that he knows where it is; he has been back here with Tara. Jax knows that place intimately like the back of his hand. A quick smile crosses his face as he remembers his and Tara's trysts back here, but he decides to keep it to himself-he knows Beverly wants to help in any way she can. As soon as he enters the lounge Jax feels like all the oxygen is being sucked out of him, All three of his son's doctors are waiting patiently and wearing poker faces. Jax is trying his best to calm the fuck down and breath. Calm the fuck down. Jax keeps telling himself but he just can't seem to do it.
Dr. Spencer is the only doctor to speak. "I heard that Tara is awake and has been down here to see the baby. That's really good news. Unfortunately, she has to wake to this news: John's kidneys have stopped working. The medicine we administered hasn't worked. I think that it's best to bring Tara down to see the baby as much as she's allowed. I'll keep you posted. I'm sorry, Jax."
Jax doesn't say anything at first; he doesn't think he's capable of saying anything. "You have to tell Tara. I can't do it, man. I've had to tell her so much bad news since she woke up that I can't do it again. Especially not this. You have to do it." Dr. Spencer simply nods. Jax turns to leave the trio; he knew he had to get the fuck out of there and away from these people and get back to Tara. Jax almost runs back to Tara's room but slows down as he gets closer. He knows he needs to collect himself before he comes face-to-face with his wife. The prospect tells him she's still asleep. Jax decides now is the time to hunt down her surgeon, and heads towards the nurses' station again. Dr. Johnson and Jax walk up to the nurses' station the same time. Dr. Johnson tells Jax, "I'll be in to see her in an hour unless she rouses before then. I hate to wake her- she barely woke from her coma before insisting on going to the NICU. Tara needs to be examined; recovering from surgery, a head injury and she's weak from blood transfusion. Tara needs to stay in bed. Tara's recovery is going to require a lot of rest that she's not getting."
Jax looks at Dr. Johnson like he has two heads "You've met my wife haven't you? Do you really think you can hold Tara back from seeing her dying baby? If you do, then you definitely haven't met my wife. As soon as Tara wakes up she's going to hightail it NICU. I agree Tara needs to rest but Tara also needs to spend time with her baby. I promise I'll to try to keep it balanced. I only want what's best for Tara, but keeping Tara from her baby isn't going to help her health at all. Tara will have time to rest soon but know I'm watching her and doing my best to keep an eye on her. Tara is only going to listen to me and she'll only halfway do that." Jax pauses, "I'm going to my wife. When Tara wakes I'll let the nurse know." Jax shakes Dr. Johnson's hand. He doesn't want the doctor to think he's pissed at him because he isn't. The doctor is right, but that doesn't matter, right isn't going to win this time. No, this time it will be Tara, and Jax will keep a close eye on her.
Before walking into Tara's room Jax calls Bobby. "The baby's worse and he isn't going to get any better. Tara needs her boys. Get the boys dressed and down to the hospital so they see their mommy."
Bobby tells him, "We can there in forty-five minutes to an hour. They're just starting to sit down to eat and I'll clean them up when they're finished and get Chibs or Phil bring them."
"Okay that sounds good." Jax hangs up thinking maybe Abel and Thomas' visit will keep Tara pacified for a little while but this worries Jax too. It will crush Tara if Abel's scared of her. One son is getting sicker and dying and if another one is scared to death of her. It could be devastating and that has Jax worried. He can only hope his sweet Thomas can come in and help make things better like he usually does. Jax can count on his second-born to love away any hurt or pain. Jax chuckles, Yes, Tara needs 'Thomas kisses' to make mommy feel better.
The nurse is leaving Tara's room just as Jax gets there. The nurse tells Jax that Tara's beginning to wake and is asking for him. Jax smiled at her and took a deep breath and walked in the room. Jax finds Tara sitting up in bed staring out the window as though she's in a trance. Jax quietly speaks, "Hey."
Tara turns to look at him with tears coming down her cheeks Jax walks over to Tara and takes her face in his hands gently wiping the tears away with his thumbs. "What's wrong?" Tara just shakes her head. "You don't want the boys seeing you crying, do you? They'll be here in thirty minutes. By the time the doctor checks you out the boys should be here. Dr. Johnson said he would be in shortly after you woke up."
"God. I need to see them; I miss them so much. Have you seen John this morning?"
Jax knew that he was walking a thin line between truth and lie but Jax doesn't want Tara upset before the boys get here so he answered the best he knows how. "No I haven't seen him this morning I haven't been up long. Bobby is sending us something to eat when they bring the boys."
Tara has just finished her exam with Dr. Johnson. He tells Tara everything is healing nicely and she needs to rest, lots of rest. Jax can tell Tara isn't listening to a word Dr. Johnson is saying. He knows her mind's on her boys all three of them. Soon there's a knock at the door when she's ready Jax opens the door and takes the food and the boys from Phil. Jax tells Phil to give them thirty minutes, and check back with him.
Tara's so glad to see her boys, tears well in her eyes. She's fighting hard trying to keep them in her eyes and not down her cheeks. Thomas is so glad to see his mommy he slowly looks around at everything like he is casing the joint. Jax and Tara laugh when Thomas hears them he gets a shit eating grin look just like his daddy's. Then he runs towards Tara and before Jax can reach him Thomas starts climbing up the side of her hospital bed. Jax manages to reach him before he can get to the top. Jax lifts Thomas by the seat of his pants onto the bed so he doesn't unintentionally hurt Tara. Thomas holds out his little arms before wrapping them around Tara's neck giving her a great big wet kiss in the side of her cheek. Thomas lays his check against Tara's squeezing his arms tightly around her neck.
Jax is starving, he asks the boys, "Hey boys did you bring Mommy and Daddy something to eat? Thomas nods and Abel says nothing.
Abel is more reserved standing behind Jax like he's afraid of Tara and it breaks her heart to see her baby like this; her little man is damaged. Jax tries to get Abel to come around and see Mommy but he won't, almost like he is afraid of her. Tara, talks to Abel trying to get him to look at her. Abel, hiding behind Jax turns his face into his daddy's jeans when Tara speaks to him. Tara looks up at Jax and for the first time she sees the exhaustion in his face. This is killing Jax; Abel, John, her all of it. Tara sees the guilt he's carrying in his face.
Their innocent little man's world has been tainted by the evil soul of his former grandmother. Tara now worries even more what this possibly has done to Abel. Tara talks to Tara trying to get him to open up and talk to her. Tara tells him how much she loves him and misses him. Finally, he will look at her even though it's from between Jax's legs, Abel still won't move away from his daddy. Jax and Tara decide it's best not to make a big deal about it. Tara looks away talking to Thomas who's babbling on about something Jax and Tara don't understand. It doesn't seem to bother Thomas who keeps on babbling
After ten minutes Abel finally sits on the floor playing with his toy motorcycle. He still won't get anywhere near Tara. As Abel plays he starts answering the questions Tara asks him. They consider that a start. Jax doesn't have to look to at Tara to know this is tearing her apart. He knows this is another causality of this tragedy. He feels guilt seeping through him again. Knowing this wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been so blind when it came to his mother.
Abel slowly inches closer to Tara as he runs his toy motorcycle across the floor. This act doesn't go unnoticed by Jax and Tara. They ignore him letting him get as close to his mommy as he wants. When Abel feels safe and ready he's standing beside Tara's hospital bed talking about what's happening during his stay at the clubhouse. Talking about things Jax and Tara are horrified their three year is seeing and knows. Jax makes a mental note to talk with Bobby. Jax doesn't want his sons running loose in the clubhouse without censoring what's going on around them.
Phil comes back after thirty minutes to get the boys and take them back to the clubhouse. The boys don't want to leave their mommy. No matter how much fun they've been having at the clubhouse the boys want to stay with their Mommy; they didn't want to leave her. Jax knows he and Tara will be going to see John shortly and she needs a few minutes to rest before they go.
Jax eventually peels the boys off Tara and Tara off them. Only with the promise of ice cream back at the clubhouse will the boys go. Then prying Tara away from them with the knowledge she's going to see her other son. Jax doesn't like bribing his sons but he's tired, their tired and everyone's nerves are frayed. After hugs and kisses from Mommy and Daddy the boys leave with Phil but not before Abel runs back in to his mommy for one more kiss. With glistening eyes Tara looks at Jax over Abel's head and faintly smiles as she kisses Abel's head.
The door has barely shut when Tara looked at Jax and sighed "I want to see my baby."
"I do too Tara. I will take you after you finish eating. I have a couple of calls to make but I won't be long. Just give me five minutes, that's all I need, is five minutes."
She nods and starts picking at her food as Jax slips into the hallway to make a call. "Chibs, hey Phil just left here with the boys headed back that way but I have some bad news brother. The baby...it doesn't look good less than 24 hours from what they said." Jax stops and listens. "What? When did you do that? I don't know what to say, I'll talk to Tara and see, is there time? Okay, I'll talk to her. Man I don't even know what to say except thank you to all the guys, from both of us." Jax snaps his phone shut and shakes his head while opening the door of Tara's room. Jax walks in just in time to catch Tara trying to get out of bed. Tara begins to sway and Jax runs to grab her. Jax's heart falls, and louder than he intended, says. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE DOING? Are you out of your goddamn mind? Are trying to kill yourself?"
Tara looks at him horrified tears streaming from her eyes. Tara is more scared of him right now than falling. "Jax, I'm okay" and as much as she hates it she starts sobbing. "Damn hormones. All I fucking do is cry. Everything makes me cry. I hate it."
Jax feels like an ass but when she started to sway all he saw was Tara's bloody body lying at the foot of the stairs. Jax doesn't think that image will ever leave him. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you or be so rough; you just scared me and the thought of you falling... I don't know, I just can't see you get hurt again." Jax strains to be playful. "And besides, Dr. Johnson will kill me. Anyway, you shouldn't be getting out of bed alone, Tara, and you promised you would listen." He helps her back in bed then sits down for a few minutes. It gives them both time to calm down and get control of themselves.
"Before we go see the baby we need to talk about something." Jax walks over and sits on the edge of the bed, facing Tara taking her hands in his. "Tara... John's has taken a turn for the worse." Jax is looking into Tara's eyes. The green is dim, and she doesn't move or say anything at all she just looks at him blankly. Jax's waits for a few minutes. When she doesn't respond he continues, "His kidneys have quit functioning. They tried some medicine on him to see if that would help. He has so many things wrong with him, baby, that it doesn't look good." Still nothing. Jax is starting to wonder what to do; normally Tara would have responded after his first comment. Jax waits for a few minutes until he can't stand the silence anymore. "Tara, talk to me."
"What, Jax? What do you want me to say? Because this is all just too much. It doesn't even matter what I say I can't do anything, I can't stop anything. I'm a fucking surgeon and I can't do anything! Four days ago I was happy and pregnant, planning the birth of my third son and now here I am not pregnant, I'm badly injured and the baby I was planning to be born in 12 weeks is here now and dying. What I am supposed to say? What is it I am supposed to do?" Sounding exhausted and broken Tara looks up at Jax "What are we supposed to do now Jax?"
Jax wraps her in a tight into a hug, one hand gingerly cradling the back of her head, the other wrapped around her back. He holds her and doesn't say anything because right now words are just words, they don't mean anything, they are empty little sounds that they don't need to hear right now. Jax feels helpless Tara is breaking right here and he doesn't know how to handle. Jax thinks back to when Tara's hand was destroyed how she was screaming for him to get out, to get away, so right now he's grateful for the silence. In a small voice Jax hears Tara whisper "I'm... I'm being selfish Jax."
Jax takes Tara's face in his hand making her look at him. "No baby you aren't selfish I just don't know what to do either. I've been flying by the seat of my pants and haven't gotten a handle on any of it. I'm on this rollercoaster right beside you." Jax searches his mind, trying to decide how best to comfort both of them. "I want to go see our son would you like to go with me?" Jax asks.
In almost a whisper, "Yeah, I'd like that."
Before Jax and Tara have a chance to leave her room Dr. Spencer and Dr. Nameed walk in and just like that all the oxygen dissipates from the room. Tara's grabbing for Jax as he comes up next to her standing behind Tara with his arms around her. It doesn't go unnoticed to Jax this is the first time they've both talked to a doctor together about their baby; it has always been Jax by himself. There is a part of him that wishes it was true now. Sparing Tara of the pain, but he would have to tell her anyway.
Dr. Spencer doesn't bother with formalities right now they aren't important. He knows Tara and Jax wouldn't want him to. "Unfortunately things have started piling on to other conditions and your son isn't going to be able to fight them all. He has given a valiant effort but it's just too much for him to handle. He's in renal failure now, it's only a matter of time. I'm truly sorry."
Tara wants to hold her baby. She demands to hold her baby. Dr. Spencer says he will have the necessary paper work done never indicating there would be a problem. Dr. Spencer calls administration to bring the necessary paper work to Tara's room.
Tara's told it's against hospital procedure. Tara demands she be allowed to hold her baby as he dies. "I'm holding my baby and you can't fucking stop me." A heated argument and plenty of paper work releasing the hospital's liability in the death of their son. Tara is granted her request to hold her infant son as he dies. The whole thing is bullshit anyway. Tara is quoted as she meets with the decision makers of the hospital.
Her argument is; she wants to hold her son when he is alive to comfort him in his death. "What? I can hold other people's babies but can't hold my own? That's bullshit. To deny a mother her right, of holding her dying infant you're nothing but heartless bastards. Why is it that I can hold everyone else's baby that's in the NICU while they die to bring those babies comfort in there last moments. But I can't hold my own baby. You're fucking idiots!"
Dr. Nameed turns to Jax. "I see a push for policy changes."
Jax smirks, "Yeah and you know who she'll come to for back up. She's going hit this full force. It might be something she needs for closure. You know her, everything has to be for a reason this might be it in her mind.
"Yeah, I see that." Dr. Nameed can't help but smile at his former protégé.
Mr. Teller can please explain to your wife that policies in this hospital will not permit or allow her to hold the baby before he expires.
"Expires? He ain't fucking milk?" Jax is ready to rip this guy's head off.
"Expires means dead and..."
"Excuse me." Dr. Nameed interrupts before fist start flying, before Jax's fists start flying, he'll kill these pansy-assed authorities. "Sign off on Dr. Knowles holding her baby as he dies. I'll be in the unit during that time if something should aspire. But if something was to happen Dr. Knowles is more than qualified to handle it. You tell her that she can't hold her son, because she sure as hell isn't going to listen to us."
Jax is trying to staying out of this argument. This one's Tara's battle and he trusts she can handle herself and will. He can already see she can, and that alone brings a smile to his lips and also confirms his suspicions; his wife is recovering to her old self.
Jax finally speaks up, "You have all the information you need?"
"Yes I believe we do Mr. Teller."
"Fine I am taking my wife to see our son. If you will excuse us." Jax herded the white shirts out of Tara's room. Before anyone had anything else to say, almost hitting the last one through the threshold with the closing the door. Lucky for Dr. Nameed he is paged to the NICU as the meeting is winding down.
Tara sat there smiling at Jax as he closed the door. "My hero."
Jax gave Tara a questioning smile with a sparkle in his eye. "What? I didn't do anything, babe. You did it all."
"No Jax, you let me do my thing while standing in the shadows waiting to do yours and I love you for that."
"I'm proud of you Tara; showing those idiots how stupid there 'regulations' are. I also know you and know when those wheels in your head are turning you have something in the works. I saw the wheels turning and it can only mean good things are soon to come." Jax is proud of Tara she's smart, beautiful and knew what she wanted to do and went after it. Most of all he's glad for the past thirty minutes Tara hasn't been distraught. She had been crying so hard she couldn't speak. Jax has a glimpse of the real Tara, the Tara he will do anything and everything to get back.
Now is as good a time as ever to broach the next subject. "Tara we need to talk about something important." Tara looks at Jax with furrowed brows. She doesn't want to know anything else bad. She really doesn't. Jax has her full attention, "I spoke to Chibs earlier he told me the club, SAMCRO, wants to make the coffin for John." Tara's mouth flies open this isn't what she thought he wanted to talk about; nowhere close. Tara is shocked. Tears come to her eyes, tears she doesn't try to hide or stop these are happy tears. Tears of love for a bunch of overgrown boys that she loves and now she knows love her back. "What do you think babe? It's up to you.
Tara nods. Tara would try to form words but she knows she can't. So instead of words of thanks for the guys Jax's mouth got all the thanks instead. Jax is taken back at first, shocked is more like it. This is not what Jax thought Tara's reaction would be. He isn't complaining that Tara's tongue is half way down his throat, no not at all, no complaints from Jax. The kiss deepens, as Jax steps up his pace matching his wife's with every twirl of his tongue. They both moan at the same time only to be muffled in the other's mouth. After they both have broken out in a sweat and Jax's dick is hard they pull apart. Giving themselves a second to catch their breath and collect their thoughts. Tara finds her voice, "I can't believe they want to do that. Or know how. I just can't believe it."
"Seems that Bobby brought it up something about past religious rituals and then I think Juice looked it up on the computer and easily found designs. When the guys saw how easy it is and they could all chip in and do their part they were all on board. You're supposed to call Happy about designs he is going to do the graphics." Tara throws her arms around Jax's neck but winces in pain. For a minute Tara forgot about her physical limitations, but now, she is painfully aware. "Are you all right? You have to slow down or else Dr. Johnson won't let you go to back down to the NCIU."
"I'd like to see him try to stop me." Jax thought to himself I would like to see it too. "I need to call Happy." Jax hands Tara her phone and makes sure she's comfortable and won't get up and try go anywhere. Jax steps out of the room to call Chibs to see if a lead they had on Gemma's whereabouts panned out.
After hanging up from Chibs' non-informational phone call Jax walks back into Tara's room. She's just hanging up from talking to Happy. "Did you talk to Hap?"
"Yeah." Tara beamed, "I told him a few things I want and he said he would take care of them and I trust him to do that."
"Good. Now do you feel like finally going to see our boy?"
"Yeah, I want to see my baby."
With that being said, Jax heads to the nurses' station to grab a wheelchair to take Tara down to the NICU. Jax doesn't care how good or strong Tara feels. Or thinks she feels. She is not walking anywhere anytime soon. Jax will carry her if she dares to think she is. Jax can't risk the chance Tara might reinjure herself or possibly worse. Jax needs Tara he can't do this alone anymore. More importantly he doesn't want to. "Come on babe let's go spend some time with our baby.