A/N: Thank you to my beta McIlwain for making the time to work this story into her busy schedule and believing in it.
This is rated MATURE for a reason; language and sex.
Through a steady stream of tears Tara's been standing in front of John's isolette for almost ten minutes now and hasn't said a word. Just standing there staring at their baby boy gently and lovingly stroking his soft dark hair. "My sweet baby boy, I'm sorry this is happening to you. I am so sorry baby. I'm sorry I couldn't protect, I'm sorry I didn't protect you. I'm sorry for so much John but I refuse to be sorry that you were created. You were created with love, love between your mommy and daddy. You brought something back into our lives that we didn't realize we needed... each other. I will always love you baby and I will always remember everything we've learned from you. I promise you that you have not suffered all that you have just to be forgotten. That won't happen; we will never forget you. How could we? We love you too much to ever forget you John. Mommy promises." Tara bends down and kisses the tiny hand of John, her infant son, whom she will never see grow up. Tara tries to hide her face in Jax's flannel so he won't see the tears. Jax pulls her tight to him, his arm clasping around her shoulder while kissing the top of her head. Tara needs to feel like she has some type of control of her life even if she doesn't, she needs to feel like she does. Tara's determined to stand tall and not crumble, to not be some whiny, needy little bitch. For her family, for her boys they need her she needs to be strong for them, she can't show weakness. It's hard to keep her emotions in control and Tara admires Jax she doesn't know how he's done it, How has Jax done all of this and kept his sanity.
"You can't hide Tara you can't close off your feelings from me if we have any chance of surviving this. You have to open up and be vulnerable so your heart will heal. You're right it's not fair to anyone not to us and definitely not John. I know this little boy would've had a wonderful life. This child of ours would do great things beyond anything we'd ever dream he could do. He could've been everything we dreamed of since we were teenagers; he could've been more, done more. He'd been a good son, loved his parents, been there for his brothers, and the rest of his family. But it seems that he's needed for something more important."
Tara responded defiantly. "What about you Jax? Are you going to open up and expose your heart? Are you going to be vulnerable too? What're you going to do to keep us together, because you sure as hell haven't done that before? It's always been me opening up and being exposed, not you, never you Jax, are you going to change that? So tell me Jax can "you" do this for your family? I've been exposed Jax, my baby's been ripped from me and if you don't consider that exposure I don't want to see what it would take to convince you. What could be more important than our son being with us? What could be more important than growing up to be a caring, loyal, industrious man? What?"
He's our guardian angel Tara, remembering him will remind us of our commitment to each other, to our family. He's here to make sure this bond will keep living through our sons and then their children. But he'll always be our baby. No matter how old we are we will always have our baby. He's reminding us of our vow to fight for each other and our family. He's telling us to be brave. He doesn't want to leave; it's not by choice that he's leaving because he loves us and he wants more than anything to show us what he could be but that isn't going to happen Tara. John has tried to fight this battle but he's losing; he's been brave, but just too weak to keep on fighting. John Filip Winston Teller isn't giving up he's just moving on." Tara crashes against Jax's chest, grabbing fists full of Jax's shirt while sobbing openly. Jax lays his cheek against the top Tara's head, crying into her hair, holding her tight. Jax holds on to her despite being weak at the knees himself. Jax holds Tara tight against him not letting her go. It's at times like these Jax allows his mind to drift into the 'what if's' of the past. He tries not to because of Abel, he loves his son dearly, with all his heart. But the 'what if's' still creep in sometimes: what if Tara never left, the life they could have had for those lost 10 fucking years. For one thing, Tara wouldn't have met that psycho son of a bitch that terrorized her and he wouldn't still be haunting Tara's dreams. Tara still has nightmares about him but she doesn't realize I know. I wouldn't have married a junkie. I knew that was a mistake before we did it but I got drunk and did it anyway. We'd probably have at least 6 kids by now; we would have a house running over with Tellers. If we both hadn't been so stubborn trying prove we could survive a month apart, then spent the next 10 years confirming it. Tara could've gone to the community college the first 2 years. Then she could've gone to college in Sacramento and medical school as well. It's just a little over an hour if that. We could have done that. Or what if I'd left with her? Who knows what I missed, I can't even imagine what it's like out there, what could've been waiting for me outside of Charming. We won't ever know because this is our life for whatever reason, this is it. The biggest answer to everything is that I wouldn't have Abel. Tara wouldn't had saved his life and I know without a doubt that Abel wouldn't be alive today if it hadn't been for Tara leaving and becoming a doctor.
The young couple stand wrapped in each other's arms crying by their youngest son's side. They stand there drawing strength from each other garnering strength to carry on without him. Their lives will never be the same after this trauma. It will affect them for the rest of their lives, how it does is up them. If they hold on tight or break away from each other all depends on them and their love. Jax knows their baby is not the only victim of this tragedy.
Tara is weakly beating on Jax's chest with her fists. At first Jax thinks she wants his attention but it doesn't take long before he realizes that is not the case. She's mad, she's frustrated, and she's hurting. She's dealing with these emotions she doesn't know what to do with and using Jax as her punching bag seems natural. It had been explained to Jax that Tara's hormones would be crashing causing her moods to switch off and on in a mere second plus the angst over their situation with the baby and the attack Tara needs and outlet. Jax gladly becomes Tara's outlet because he feels guilty, not just because of Gemma but because he had those two days, those two precious days with their son that Tara didn't. Jax takes her abuse, he doesn't care if it helps her get it out of her system. Tara's becoming weaker and Jax knows he needs to get her back to her room and back in bed. But getting her to leave John is going to be hard. Jax's mentally preparing for an argument. To Jax's dismay one isn't needed Tara's already moving towards the wheelchair before he can even suggest she needs to go lie down. As Jax helps her get into the wheelchair he wipes the rest of Tara's tears with his thumb. "Come on let's get you back to your room so you can rest." Jax makes sure Tara's feet are up and she's sitting comfortably, as comfortable as one can be after having been thrown down a flight of stairs. Once Tara's ready, Jax wheels her back to her room after saying good bye to John.
Tara hangs her head slightly as she's wheeled down the hall making sure not to look at anyone specific, not making eye contact with anyone. Jax looks straight ahead or down at his wife. All Jax wants right now is get Tara back in her room, and put her to bed where she needs to be. Jax is surprised when they come upon Tig sitting at Tara's door.
Tig greets them. "Hey guys how's it going?"
Jax is the one to answer Tig; Tara doesn't look up. "What are you doing here man?"
Tig looks at Tara and then looks back at Jax. "Heard things were starting to get a little rough around here, thought we wouldn't want any outsiders around."
Tara looks up at Tig, takes his hand and kisses it. "Thank you for everything Tig. The coffin... I just don't know how to tell you how much this means to me, to us I told Happy no black, I don't want any black, Tig"
Tig hugs Tara and kisses the top of her head. "Whatever you want doll." Tig opens the door to Tara's room and squeezes Jax's shoulder for support as they pass by. Tig shuts the door behind Jax settles back in his chair, guarding the door for his President and their Queen.
"We need to get you into bed so you can get some rest. Are you in any pain? Do you need anything? Pain medicine? Anything?" Tara's only able to nod. Jax begins to panic but tries to hide it. If Tara's asking for meds she must be in pretty bad shape. Jax hates it and feels a pang of guilt and knows he always will. Guilt for Tara's trauma, guilt for not believing Tara, guilty for losing John.
Jax sticks his head out into the hall and tells Tig. "Hey can you tell the nurse that Tara needs something for pain and to help her sleep? Tell the nurse not to tell Tara she's giving her something to help her sleep or else Tara won't take it."
Tara's standing up out of the wheelchair shaking her head hard. "No Jax, I am not taking a sleeping pill I don't need to sleep, I can't sleep I just need to rest a little bit then I'll be fine. I need to get back to my baby, I have to get back to him he needs me." There is another pang of guilt.
Jax looks at Tara with love, admiration and determination Jax loves Tara with all of his heart and Jax is damn determined for Tara to go to sleep and he isn't taking no for an answer Tara has no choice but to listen to him on this. Jax scoffs at his own thought. When has his old lady ever listened to him? Jax can pretend that Tara behaves like a good old lady to others but Jax knows the truth-Jax doesn't want Tara to obey him never has. What attracted Jax to Tara in the first place is her ability to stand up for what she wants against others. Stand up to him. Tara's never backs down from a fight if it involves her beliefs Tara's always stood tall and that's the way Jax wants his old lady always challenging him. Just not in front of others. Jax knows why Tara doesn't want to go to sleep and Jax is sorry, truly sorry. But Tara is going to be pissed-she isn't going anywhere. Tara can get as mad as she wants, but Jax doesn't care because she needs to heal. Jax helps Tara hang the IV bag up on the pole. Helps Tara climb on the bed, then takes Tara's slippers and robe off. Jax moves her in between the sheets helping her get comfortable, then Jax takes his shoes off.
During his walk to Tara's room Jax noticed how people stepped aside for him and said hello. It's all out of respect and Jax likes that, likes that SAMCRO's not hated any longer and it feels strange, feels different, but he likes it. Then Jax's bubble burst when he realized it's his wife, Dr. Tara Knowles-Teller, renowned Pediatric surgeon she's the cause of the respect. This hospital is all about Tara, not him. Jax's proud of Tara, proud of what she's accomplished on her own. Tara's well-respected still-even after everything that's happened to her. She hasn't operated at this hospital in almost a year and hasn't seen any patients here for six months, not since her arrest thanks to Gemma. Yet another guilt trip. Jax grimaces. But the hospital staff still loves Tara and respects her and that swells Jax's heart with pride.
Jax walks out of the room as the nurse comes to help Tara with her personal needs. After the nurse helps Tara get back in bed she leaves the room as Jax slides back in. After Jax strips down to his boxers and into bed while mindfully gathering Tara in his arms being careful of Tara's injuries. Tara immediately snuggles into Jax. "I love you Jax."
That's all Tara needs to say, it says it all. "I love you too Babe." Turning Tara's head slightly Jax leans in to kiss her, lightly brushing his whiskered lips across Tara's. Jax brushes against them again, this time leaning Tara's head farther back and Jax sighs as he kisses her deeply, lovingly tasting her. Jax has kissed Tara good night every night she's been in the hospital, but tonight it's reciprocated and it feels good, so damn good. Then the door opens.
"Dr. Knowles we have some pain medicine for you... oh, I'm sorry." The nurse's embarrassment is obvious but Jax and Tara don't notice and they don't care: Jax and Tara have had people walk in on them actually doing much worst. The nurse begins to inject the medicine in Tara's IV line; Tara doesn't notice there are two different medicines being placed in her IV line. Tara looks into Jax's eyes for reassurance, stability. and love and finds all three. "Good night if you need anything let us know." The nurse slips quietly out the door. Jax smirks; the nurse didn't snitch about the sleeping meds. Now Tara can get some sleep and have no choice but to keep her ass in bed.
Jax is more than ready to sleep himself and hold his wife. Jax gets up to lock the door. Before he does Jax sticks his head out the door and tells Tig, "I'm putting Tara down and I'm going to be staying with her." Jax locks the door turns off the light before he crawls back into bed with his wife. Finally. Jax and Tara wrap their arms around each other and Tara manages to snuggle up against Jax's chest. Tara can feel Jax tremble against her body. Tara looks up and with the glow of the night light she can see tears in Jax's eyes. Tara hugs Jax tighter, it hurts but she doesn't care. "Thank you for taking care of me, John, and the boys. I don't know what we would've done without you. I've been worried and scared since I woke up but you've had to worry twice as long." Tara tries to burrow deeper into Jax's chest. "Now let me take care of you."
As Tara lays her head over Jax's heart she listens to the thumping beat. Tara can sleep now, as long as she hears Jax's heart beat she feels safe. Jax relaxes; finally something feels right. With Tara's head on his chest and lying in his arms Jax can sleep, now he can take a second to breathe. "We're going to be alright, we are going to get through this Tara. It's not going to be easy and we'll have hard days ahead but we're going to get through this. Our family will survive this." He kisses Tara's head. "I didn't just worry for you Tara I worried about you. I didn't know if I was going to lose you. Then I didn't know what I would do without you. Babe I have been so scared the last two days it was all I could do to put one foot in front of the other. I was on autopilot and I don't know how I did it without you."
"I'm proud of you Jax, I am going to be fine, now let me take care of you. You're safe with me.
Jax Replies, "I know there is nowhere safer than in your arms," and then begins crying. Jax can finally cry for his son fighting for his life, Jax can cry for almost losing Tara and for the pain that Tara is in. Jax cries for every pin stick his son has had to endure, Jax cries for the pain inflicted upon his son. Most important Jax can cry for himself. Jax cries for himself: he's exhausted and tired. Jax lay there with his body shaking, crying into his wife's arms. Jax knows he's safe here. He's been safe in her arms before when JT died. Jax's not alone. Tara's tears mix with her husband's as they settle down. Gradually their tears lessen as they both get some needed rest.
Jax panics when he wakes up. He'd only planned on lying down for a couple of hours with Tara, then go spend some time with John. But instead Jax and Tara have slept for eight hours. Jax's sudden movement causes Tara to open her eyes. "I overslept," Jax admits sadly. "I wanted to be with John earlier this morning, but I slept through."
"It's okay, Jax. You needed to sleep, too."
Jax sighs, "Yeah, I know, but I feel guilty for not visiting him already."
"I know baby. I feel guilty for missing the first two days of his life and I feel guilty because he has to fight for his life. It's my fault that he was born early, I'm the one to blame."
"WHAT?" Jax takes Tara's chin and turns her head so that she's facing him, Jax wants the message to hit home, wants Tara to understand. "No. Tara you aren't to blame for this. Don't you dare go there; this isn't your fault. This is on Gemma and I promise you she'll pay. I promise. Gemma will pay for this."
They snuggle closer and are lulled back to sleep. Thirty minutes later with someone began knocking on the door. Jax slides on his jeans on the way to the door and opening it for Tig. Tara sits up quickly but the movement hurts her head and jolts her ribs. She cries out and it brings Jax out of his sleepy haze. Tig gives them just a minute to clear the cob webs out. "They just called from the nursery and said now it's time for you to come down." That's the best way Tig knew how to say what needed to be said. Everyone knows what it means: 'your son's dying;' it won't be much longer.'
"Tara's doctor said Tara has to eat before she goes down there, something about Tara not taking care of herself the past twenty four hours. Dr. Johnson spewed some threats I just tuned him out-I was too busy thinking I'd pay money to see him try to keep you in this room. Tig jiggles a brown bag in front of Tara. "I got you a sandwich from the diner; it's better than this hospital food. Drink this milk too, and you can go. I did promise him I'll make you eat first. I'll let the nurse know you're awake; she's been waiting for you to wake up so she can take the IV out." Tig gives a knowing look. "The nurse said something about not wanting to 'disturb you again'."
"Thanks Tig. She'll eat every bite of that sandwich or I'll make her eat the hospital food."
Jax helps Tara get out of bed and they get dressed on autopilot. Jax takes a deep breath. "I still feel guilty for not being there with him last night. I was only going to sleep for a couple of hours then the waterworks started and I couldn't turn them off I was so exhausted. I was finally in your arms, and not alone. I've felt so alone those first two days Tara. There were times I didn't know which way to turn."
Tara turns to Jax confused, "You took care of what you had to Jax. You just did them. You didn't run from them you just did them." Tara grabs Jax's arm and makes him look at her. "I'm proud of you."
Jax leans down, smiling at Tara, and kisses her. He holds Tara's robe up behind her. "Here, let me help you."