A/N: Always thanks to my beta McIlwain for the continued support and push she gives me. Honestly without her this story would still be stacks of papers strewed throughout my living room.
This is rated MATURE for a reason: language and sexual content.
When Jax returns to the hospital he's worn out, numb, tired, and sad. This was a trip he never in his life thought he would have to make. Jax had never even thought about having children once Tara rolled out of Charming. Before he had when they were teenagers; he just thought they would always be together and assumed kids would follow down the road but when Tara left that possibility was gone. Then he married Wendy and Jax never even considered children until she caught him off guard and got pregnant on purpose.
Still Jax never thought he would have been in the position he was today: having to lead the procession of his infant son. That just seared a hole in his heart. This was never supposed to happen to him and Tara. Oh, God, and Tara. He almost lost her too, his boys almost lost their mother. What would they have done if she had left them forever? He can't think about that no, no not that. Yes they have had their arguments and they're sometimes apart but they will always find their way back to each other but not if she's dead. No, Jax can't even think of that being a possibility now, he can't go down that road. He has to keep his shit together. As much as Jax would like to get Tara and haul her ass to the car and take her home with the boys and lock the doors and never let them out or anyone in he can't. This is something they can't run from, it is here and he has to face it but if this happens to another one of his children, well, he and Tara aren't that strong. And he can't afford to think like that, anyway. He and Tara have to focus on their other boys. It will be hard and he doesn't know how they're going to do it but they will. They will pool all of their love together and survive and do it not just for them but for Abel and Thomas because they deserve it. But they can't be like Gemma when Thomas died. These little boys need to live, live their lives without the burden of a dead sibling on their backs. The boys need to focus on their own happiness, not their parents'. He knows that Tara will always put her boys' happiness before hers, would never push something on them that's solely for her gratification. Tara is a better mother than Gemma by far.
As he looks up at the hospital window Jax knows he needs to get up there to his wife, oh God, what has she been through. Waking up from a two day coma to a baby you don't know, didn't know you gave birth to, who's barely clinging to life. That's the first thing that slaps you in the face before you can even adjust your eyes to the real world-that information is just thrust upon you because you have to hurry and see him before he dies. Tara had to say good bye to John before she even got a chance to say hello. Her pain is killing Jax; he wants to protect her from all of this pain but he can't. No one can protect her from this. The only way Jax could have protected her was to prevent it from happening in the first place and that will always fall on his shoulders-that he didn't protect his family from his family.
Jax always thought the control Gemma wanted over his life was just motherly love, but he knows now that thinking was just bullshit. There wasn't any love there, just selfishness and Gemma using him to get what she wanted. He was a fool to think that a life with all the booze you want and all the pussy you want growing up was supposed to mean love. Jax didn't realize that was a way to control him and he fell right in line like a good little soldier. Of course what red blooded teenage boy wouldn't? The only one that ever questioned it, that ever thought it wasn't normal was Tara, and the first time she voiced it he treated her like shit if he was honest with himself. He was too greedy to give up that life. He liked the power it gave him so he manipulated her like Gemma manipulated him. It wasn't Tara's fault she left and went to school. Jax knows he pushed her to it, he always knew, but still he let her take the blame. It was just so much easier that way.
And now Tara's back in his world, and they have two boys. They are going to have to trust one another and help each other get their lives back to 'almost normal.' It won't ever be normal again and he doesn't want to ask for much, doesn't want to be too greedy, but eventually they have to be happy as a family together again. He stomps out his cigarette out and heads toward the double doors leading into the hospital.
As soon as he walks through the front door there's a feeling of dread but his old lady is upstairs and he needs her as much if not more right now. He can't wait to be able to hold her in his arms and talk to her. Jax hasn't had her to talk to these past few days and he realizes how much he misses it, misses how they used to talk about shit when they were young. He really could use some of that right now. Jax and Tara haven't communicated like that in years and they need that back in their lives to help each other get through this shit with the baby, the bullshit with his mother, and anything else out there that tries to break them apart. They used to be able talk about anything and everything and he didn't realize how much he missed it until it was almost taken away from him. They are going to have to learn how to talk honestly with each other again so they can work this out. Jax knows he's the one that didn't ever want to talk. Tara's natural reaction is to withdraw, keep things to herself but that comes from how she was raised and that's just who she is and he knows it. Has always known it, it is just something she can't change. A self-preservation reaction from something he did wrong. Always something he did. He always put the club before her and that needs to change.
He gets off the elevator and he sees the prospect sitting guard at Tara's door. He's praying that nothing has happened to her while he has been gone; he wouldn't be able to take that. He nods at the prospect and he takes a deep breath and tries to gather his thoughts before he walks through the door. Tara has barely been awake twenty-four hours and he knows that her head hasn't quit spinning since she woke up. Tara probably hasn't been able to grasp everything that has happened and he knows she will have a million questions. Jax takes a deep breath and he slowly opens the door and peeks in. He finds her lying there with her eyes shut, not moving, just lying still. Tara is the only one in the room and it's quiet but she opens her eyes when she hears the door open and smiles at Jax. He walks up to her side and she looks up at him. "Hey, I didn't mean to wake you." Which was a lie-after pleading with her for days to wake up and open her eyes he really doesn't give a shit if he rouses her.
"No, I've been awake; I just wanted everyone to go away so I could have some peace and quiet. I know they mean well but I didn't want to talk, I didn't want to hear them talk. All I wanted is you so I pretended to be asleep until you got back." Jax bent down and kissed her hard, harder than he meant to but his need for her overpowered any other thought. "Did everything go okay? Will you lie down with me?"
"Yeah everything went fine. I went back to the clubhouse to make an appearance, had a few drinks with the guys and slipped out." Jax's voice grows weary. "I needed to see my wife."
"I'm sorry; you didn't have to rush back. I'm okay, really."
"I wanted to come back because I want to be with my wife. I want to hold her in my arms and I need for her to hold me, too." Jax pauses for a moment. "Has the nurse brought your meds yet? 'Cuz her window is closing fast-once you're in my arms I'm not letting you go and they won't be able to get in until we wake in the morning."
"Yes, I've taken everything, Nurse Jackie," Tara teases.
"Good." Jax opens the door and tells the prospect, "I'm locking the door so we can get a little rest. If the nurse absolutely has to get in call me on my phone but it better be important. Not any of this I need her vitals shit, check her temperature for the third time." Jax shuts the door, locks it and heads over to his wife so that he can finally be alone with her.
Jax's voice is adamant. "I'm not sharing my wife with anyone tonight. I don't know how I made it through the past couple of days without you."
"Well take off your clothes and get in." Tara scoots over, pulls back the covers and pats the bed while Jax takes off his cut. Jax follows with his flannel, his shoes, socks and finally his jeans. Jax climbs in bed with his wife, gathers her up in his arms, and kisses the top of her head. Jax lets out a deep breath he didn't even know he was holding; he'd been holding his breath for almost four days now and it was starting to choke him. She looks up and smiles at him as she reaches up and gently touches the side of his face. Tara brings his lips down to meet hers; she kisses him slowly and deeply, tongue to tongue, like she hasn't been able to kiss him for days and now she wants to taste him, taste what she has been missing. It's been days and she wants those days back but that can't happen so instead she is going to have to live in the moment, no looking back.
"Tara, you have to know that I love you more than anything, you are the most important thing in my life," Jax whispers. "I can't let anything else happen to you; I want to keep you and my children safe from everything. This all lies at my feet; this is all my stubborn ass's fault. I wouldn't listen to you and the others-I was too damn arrogant and thought I knew it all." Jax chuckles bitterly. "But now I know I didn't know shit." Jax pauses. "The pain you've endured from loving me, that's the only thing that you've done wrong and that doesn't warrant any of the things that have happened to you in the last fourteen years. I love you so much, you will never know how much I do and I am so sorry any of this has happened to you. You and our son are paying the price for my love and I hate it."
"Oh Jax, it isn't your fault. None of this is your fault."
"Oh yes it is," Jax grits out. "I didn't listen because I was so sure I knew what I was doing and clearly I didn't. But I will never do anything else that will endanger you or the boys again without being prepared. You know our world is legit now but there are still people that want to hurt us just for the thrill. Unfortunately that will never change. But I never thought it would be family that would hurt us the most, that I would have to protect you from. Until Gemma is caught we all need to be on high alert with everything we do. We have to be careful and observant. I won't be standing beside a hospital bed for you or any other child of mine because of that bitch or anyone else."
"I've been so scared, babe. I was so afraid I was going to lose you. I've been out of my mind worrying about you, not knowing what to do. I'd been trudging through this blindly and I needed you to tell me what to do. I'm so relieved you're awake. I was so afraid I would never see those beautiful green eyes again or see you blush when I tell you how much I love you, how beautiful you are." Tara begins to blush and hates herself for it. Jax laughs. "I never get tired of seeing that. You hide all your other emotions from me but that blush, babe, is something you've never been able to control. It gives you away every time."
Tara looks at Jax remembering when he was a sweet, innocent fifteen year-old teenage boy. They both were innocent of life's hard and awful lessons of the club. She was dealing with her mother's death and taking care of her drunk daddy all alone and Jax was lost in grief from his little brother's death. They understood each other, felt the same pain. That's what drew them together in the first place; death.
Still Jax was full of life with dreams and ideas sharing them with Tara. He was going to run the club after his father stepped down and Opie would be his Vice President by his side. They would rule the world. He wanted Tara to be his old lady even then he knew that this petite brunette held his heart in her hands even though she had no idea. Even after JT was murdered Jax had big dreams of the club, they actually became stronger. He connected the club to his father and that's what drove him farther into it. This was supposed to be an innocent dream of his boys too; a Harley and a cut. But thanks to Gemma and Clay the innocence is gone and so is that dream for one of his sons.
Jax's innocence went away the minute that cut was laid on his back. It scared the shit out of Tara the disappointment and dread, she knew what that cut represented even if Jax didn't. Knew what it would do to them but she loved him anyways and tried to be happy for him. Of course the reason they gave him the cut when they di was; because Gemma was jealous of Tara. Gemma manipulated the whole thing. Forced Clay to let him prospect. She thought the cut would tear Jax and Tara apart. Gemma was trying to reel him in and get him away from Tara but it didn't work or at least it didn't at first but Jax started changing and Tara couldn't settle. She wanted more for herself, for Jax but he was happy where he was and took it personal when Tara wanted more out of life than the club.
Tomorrow is going to be hard; there is so much they need to handle but for now Jax is in his wife's loving arms. His old lady is holding him tight and there is no other place he'd rather be right now. She's humming softly to him like she was doing earlier with John and like she used to do when they were teenagers. Tara strokes his head and runs her fingers gently through his hair. Jax is finally starting to relax; Tara can feel the tension slowly leaving his body. This is exactly what he needs tonight, to be in his wife's arms, having her touch and caress him. Jax is so thankful she's alive and well, that she got to meet their son. He was so afraid she wouldn't get the chance to do before the baby died.
Tara is tired, and her body aches are starting to get unbearable. Her head is hurting, has been hurting, but she has to soothe Jax's pain. She knows how hard the past three days has been for him and she is so proud of him for the way he has handled things. The pressure that he has been under and still is, he could have lost his mind like before but he is not that man any more. Jax is a strong man devoted to his family; that is who he is now. Tara knows they will have to deal with the loss of their child but right now, in this minute, Jax is her main concern. Tara needs to take care of him and take some of the pressure off. Tara looks at Jax, admiring the man he has become, thinking of the former playboy Jax with his hundreds of faceless women. The man he's become has surprised many people. And even though it's taken longer than she thought, she knew it would come to this and had never expected anything less.