A/N: We are back from our Holiday break and are ready to get back to work on The Unmarred Soul. Thank you to my beta McIlwain who has this uncanny ability to be able to read my mind and tell me what I really want to do and make me believe she's right. I would truly be lost without her.
Thank you kiara8921's Heart of the Lioness for sending her Fresno Charter to Charming to help SAMCRO when the mother charter is in need of their help.
THIS IS RATED MATURE FOR A REASON; LANGUAGE AND SEX
BE WARNED THIS CHAPTER HAS SEX IN IT.
As the early morning California sun streaks through the windows in the east wing of St Thomas Hospital in Charming, it seems like any other morning as the hospital comes to life. Nurses making their rounds dispensing medicines, as the food cart clangs down the halls with the smell of food wafting into the rooms. In room 212 it's the start of another day of sorrow, another day of pain, another day where the only thing that's going to get them through it is the love of the person in their arms and the two little hearts that they still have at home. They need them more today than they did yesterday, two little boys who will get twice as many kisses, hugs and I love you as they did yesterday and for all the days ahead. This little family of four are lost, lost in the grief and sorrow brought to them at the calloused cold heart of a woman that is supposed to love them and protect them from people like her; people that are out to destroy their young family.
Jax slowly starts to stir when he first wakes up for a brief moment. He's hoping everything has just been a dream, a nightmare, a real living nightmare, but then it comes back to him - it all comes back to him like a speeding freight train it hits him where he is, and why he is here. He looks over at his wife, who looks like she is in anything but in peaceful slumber; he studies her face, every frown line and grimace there is. Her beautiful, battered face full of bruises and stitches. They are going to be a permanent reminder etched into her porcelain skin like the ones that will forever remain in their hearts. Jax feels like someone has stuck a knife in his gut and walked away with it left in there, left to live the rest of his life with that knife cutting him with every move he makes. He slowly slips out of bed to stretch; he has spent the last three nights hugging the edge of the bed trying not to disturb Tara so she could sleep. Jax just needs to lie next to her, touch her. After the first night was spent sleeping in the chair Jax will do whatever he has to in order to sleep with her tonight and every night Tara has to stay here.
Jax quietly slips out the door into the hall hoping someone has come with some decent coffee by now. That shit they have here could be used at the shop instead of motor oil. Sure enough one of the Fresno patches brought in a thermos of coffee for him, thank God for Vivica. He doesn't know what they would have done if it hadn't been for Fresno coming in. Chris and Vivica have been here since day one: Jax knows Vivica has handled everything at the clubhouse, feeding and housing the ones who have been called in for the security detail to keep his family safe. But as far as Jax knows they don't have any new leads on Gemma yet. There'll be time for that once Tara's home and the boys are safe with them then he can concentrate on catching Gemma. But right now Tara and the boys are all that matters to Jax.
Jax thanks Tom Tom for the coffee and tells him he's going out for a smoke if anyone needs him. Jax walks through the halls of the hospital that have been a maze he has worked his way through for the past 4 days and one that he hopes to never have to walk through again. Sauntering through the sliding doors into a crisp Northern California morning Jax takes a deep breath. Jax can't remember being on his bike other than yesterday leading his son's precession. He can feel the road calling him; he is craving the rumble of the engine under him, the wind whipping in his face. His body physically needs to fight the road mile for mile but he can't he doesn't want to leave Tara yet and that makes his muscles ache more.
Knowing no one at the clubhouse is awake yet so there's no need to call Chibs. It can wait until later and he hasn't heard from Eli so that can wait a couple of hours, too. If they knew anything they would've called him. After finishing his second cigarette Jax heads back in the hospital to check up on Tara. She might still be asleep, she needs to be, she promised yesterday to do what he said to do today. Jax knows Tara would have made an agreement with the devil to sing at his wedding if it meant she could be with her son yesterday, she did. And Jax sure as hell is going to keep her to her promise: she will do what he tells her to do today she's staying her ass in bed and resting. His girl is going to have some trying times ahead they both are. And Tara's one who has to be in control of the things she does, but she has no control over this, not her emotions, not the situation, and definitely not the outcome. Jax's scared he is going to lose her in all of this; it might not be physically, but mentally and emotionally. This is so much more than losing a son. This is years of physical and mental anguish that finally came to a head with someone trying to kill her and managing to kill their son.
On top of that her doctors keep telling Jax over and over about her crash of hormones. He is beginning to wonder if they think he is stupid or has a hearing problem. Jax can recite to you the signs of postpartum depression, what to look for and when to get her help. Jax can tell you that there are three different types of loss of pregnancy; miscarriages, stillbirth and neonatal death. The loss of any pregnancy through miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, stillbirth, or neonatal death is a significant event for any woman and often presents as a major crisis in her life. He can tell you 10%-15% of all confirmed pregnancies result in an early miscarriage while only 1%-2% result in a late pregnancy loss. Most of the miscarriages are during the first trimester. Pregnancy loss in the second trimester is uncommon and are then referred to as a stillbirth. The third trimester pregnancy loss is neonatal death. He knows some women carry that loss of a pregnancy on through their lives and through other pregnancies whether they are a successful pregnancy or not. Some carry it on it their child and the child can be highly affected by the depression of a prior loss of pregnancy. You don't get over it after a month which is what society expects of you. Yes, Jax listened to them. He has listened to every word they have said. He wants to be prepared. He knows they think he is some dumbass biker but this dumbass biker loves his wife beyond anything they can imagine and if paying attention will help her then they have his undivided attention and he's listening.
Jax knows Mrs. Messick his child development teacher he and Tara had in eleventh grade would be dancing down the halls if she knew Jax knows all these facts. Jax chuckles to himself. Especially when he couldn't take care of a damn egg for a class project without breaking it while transporting it to school on his motorcycle the first day. Tara was pissed and Mrs. Messick didn't hold much hope for him.
He knows pregnancy hormones increase throughout your pregnancy therefore the farther along you are the bigger the hormone crash can be. Anywhere from a few days until weeks this can happen. It will take at least until your next full period to start to get back to normal. He isn't sure how he feels about knowing this fact but if helps him understand what Tara's going through then he'll learn all he can.
Jax can tell you the signs of the baby blues: You feel like crying, your exhausted, have anxiety, and weepiness, mild depression and mood swings are common. That most new mothers experience at least some symptoms of the baby blues, including moodiness, sadness, difficulty sleeping, irritability, appetite changes, concentration problems. Hell he thinks he might have the baby blues himself because that's exactly how he feels.
The baby blues are a normal part of new motherhood. They are caused by the hormonal changes that occur following birth and you'll feel better once your hormones level out. Aside from the support of your loved ones and plenty of rest, no treatment is necessary. Jax mutters, "fucking hormones man's worst enemy."
Jax can live with the baby blues, no trouble. It's the fear of Postpartum Depression that he's worried about. He doesn't want Tara to have to suffer any more than she has to; she has suffered too much as it is.
He can recite to you the symptoms of postpartum depression and what to look for: anger, irritability, anxiety attacks, trouble eating or sleeping, crying for no apparent reason, feelings of worthlessness, questioning one's ability to parent, suicidal ideation or thoughts of harming the baby, feelings of paranoia.
Jax knows that grief is common and it's different from the baby blues and postpartum depression. Grief can take 6 months to a year to work through your grief. Knows that grief is expected with the loss of anything and will take time to work its self out. Depression gets worse and sometimes has to have help to overcome. Grief Tara can handle, has handled time and time again. But this postpartum bullshit, it is an entirely different beast and it scares the hell out of him.
The loss of a pregnancy often involves more than a physical loss of a baby. There may be many ways to react. You may feel very upset or have little reaction. You may feel . . . shock, confusion, low self-esteem, denial, guilt and/or self-blame, frustration, relief, sadness and/or depression, and physical symptoms related to hormone changes.
But grief can turn into depression. If a bereaved person experiences the following symptoms, it is time to seek help: lack of concentration, and inability to focus, extreme feelings of worthlessness, or guilt anxiety, or depressed feelings that get worse rather than better, with time trouble sleeping that lasts longer than six weeks, extreme weight gain or loss, unexplained physical symptoms suicidal thoughts. Jax wishes more than anything he didn't know all of these facts. Wishes he didn't have to but you don't always get what you wish for.
Jax knows all of this because he asked. He wants to make it as easy as he can for Tara. It's going to be hard enough as it is and he wants to understand what she's going through and how he can help. She's been through too much already and he would do anything if he could to take that pain away but he can't. So now they have to learn to live with it together. Because that's how they're doing this; together.
This would be bad enough on its own but then you throw in regular depression because she was almost killed. Add to this all the emotional baggage she's had to face throughout their entire relationship. Jax grimaces. All this makes it damn near impossible for anyone else to overcome but if anyone can do it his girl can and he is going to help her in any and all ways possible.
Jax makes his way back through the maze of hospital corridors to Tara. He has stopped a couple of times along the way with condolences and people asking how Tara's doing. As he gets to her room Tom Tom tells him she has to be awake the nurse has been in twice, the doctor once and they brought her some breakfast. Jax strolls in trying not look like he feels and he isn't real sure but he thinks Tara is trying to do the same. "Mornin' babe."
Tara looks up at and gives him a weak but sincere smile "Hi, you been out?"
Jax makes his way back beside her and lies down giving her a proper good morning greeting then resting his head on her shoulder "No I went out and drank some coffee Vivica sent and smoked a couple of cigarettes. How do you feel this morning?"
"Alright I guess, just tired and drained. I don't know, empty too, I guess. Empty is the best way to explain it. Like something is missing from my body, just blah, I can't describe it Jax. My head hurts and my side hurts. But I need for you to do something for me."
"Okay but you aren't getting out of bed unless you're going to the bathroom, with help or somewhere the doctor is sending you."
"I know I promised and I am not going anywhere. This isn't about me, it's about you."
"Me?"
"Yes I need for you to go out and ride, I need for you to get out of this hospital, get on your bike and ride. You need miles baby."
A look of surprise, along with admiration, is apparent on Jax's face. Of course Tara would know and understand him. Only Tara would be thinking of him at this time. His girl has a heart of gold even through all the shit that's been thrown at her. "I don't want to leave you alone." Jax surprises himself as he says it with tears in his voice but it's true. He doesn't want to leave her, he's worried about her, Jax wants her with him too. If Jax could steal Tara and put her on the back of his bike then he would carry her out here but not today, not yet. The time will come, and then he'll carry her to his bike and ride away with her plastered to his back to places unknown.
Jax changes the subject for a few minutes; he needs to know a few things before he takes off. "What did the doctor say this morning?"
"He checked my eyes, asked about my head and whether it hurt, and if I was hurting anywhere else. Dr. Lewis is supposed to come by today to check on me and discuss if I need any further surgeries."
"Wait... more surgeries for what?"
Now Tara has tears in her eyes and seems to shrink before his eyes as she tells him, "More surgeries if we want to have children again."
Jax is surprised, almost panicking. This is something he hasn't thought of, he assumed everything is fine. Wouldn't they have said something to him if not? He doesn't know if they will want more children, if they will want to go through this again. This just adds to the list of carnage Gemma caused and they would have to live with. But he wants the right to make that decision, for it to be their decision, not Gemma's. But not take away their chance to have more kids, that isn't going to happen. No, he isn't going to give her that power. "I didn't know anything was wrong, they didn't say anything. I thought because they stopped the bleeding and with your transfusions that everything was okay?" Jax is shocked; he is almost in a full-blown panic. "We said we want four kids; this can't happen."
Tara looks at Jax and she loves him so much. She knows he's killed before, he's a killer. She has seen him take a man's life right before her eyes almost two, if he could have reached the gun with Salazar, but he stabbed him instead. They both deserved it and she isn't going to waste any more time thinking hard on what that makes her. But when it comes to her and their boys there is nothing that brings Jax more joy. With all the shit Jax does in his life they ground him. He loves them furiously and will protect them fearlessly. "Calm down baby, I haven't spoken to Dr. Lewis yet, Dr. Johnson told me that she's coming today to see me and talk about future surgeries. That is all I know right now. I know just as much as you do. They stopped the bleeding but there are other things that might play into effect but right now I don't know. But it is good news, Jax, because there is something that can be done so we can, have more kids. If they had to do a hysterectomy then we wouldn't have any chance, so this is good, baby." She doesn't need him freaking out and worrying about this too.
If it was left up to Jax they would have a house full of kids. Totally ironic for a man who didn't know if he wanted to be a father, ever, and especially when Wendy was pregnant, but it was Tara who made that happen. Yes Wendy gave birth to Abel, but Tara saved him and then showed Jax that he could do it. There isn't anything to be afraid of. Tara has always believed in Jax and that belief has made him into the father he is today and will be tomorrow. "I don't want to leave you alone. I can't right now as much as I would like to ride. I need to be with you. I want to be here when the doctors come."
This is why she loves him. "Fi and Lyla are going to come and bring some lunch and we are going to visit and go over some things that we need to with "The Crow's Nest." Then Lyla and I have some things to go over with "Leather & Lace" so I will be busy. I'll miss you, they aren't the same type of company but you'll be back."
"I don't want you worrying over anything." Jax thinks about it a split second longer. "Business can wait you need to heal." Jax shakes his head. "Unh-unh, no that's too much, Tara. You don't need to be worrying about that shit."
She knows he's going to be a bear. That he's going to be overprotective of her. Tara worries how he's going to be with the boys but hopefully with a little time under his belt he will ease up. That is one of the things about the Jax Teller she loves - when he loves you, he loves you, he doesn't do it half way. "Jax how long do you think I can lie in this bed with nothing to do? If I lie here with nothing to do I'll go crazy. If my brain is busy then my head, my ribs and everywhere I'm bruised and beaten will heal. But Jax I have to have something to take my mind off of this for at least an hour or two." Tara knows he's just worried about her; he's feeling guilty, but there's nothing for him to feel guilty about and she knows this is going to be a continuing problem. But this is Jax and he loves her and wants to protect her now because he wasn't there four days ago. "Besides, I'm not going anywhere; I'm staying right here in this bed."
"I don't like it. But there's something that we need to discuss before you talk to Lyla about "Leather & Lace."
"Okay. What's wrong?"
"The day before you woke up Lyla was with you. It was the day I had gone to the house, we had church there and I spent some time with the boys. When I came back Lyla was bitchy and I couldn't figure out what I'd done. Then she started saying that I have never been faithful to you, even in high school. When she said that I knew someone had said something to her, because Lyla didn't go to school here. Were you aware that she has Carrie helping at the store?"
"No! No... I wasn't. What did Carrie say?"
"Seems Miss Carrie told Lyla her and I were an item in high school."
"She didn't? Why would she say that?"
"I don't know but I don't like it and I don't like them being around the store. I asked Lyla if Carrie knew you own it and she said that she didn't think so. I didn't say anything else 'cuz I didn't want to make it worse. I knew I needed to talk to you about it first. To see what you thought."
"Who else does she have working there?"
"She said some of the Cara Cara girls come in and help her with big mail orders."
"I don't like that, Jax."
"I don't either Tara. Only thing I can figure is Carrie thinks Lyla owns the store and is trying to get in somehow by badmouthing me. But it's still doesn't make sense, what does she have to gain? You know Carrie - she is up to something. She doesn't do anything for nothing and it is always for herself."
"Maybe I need to reschedule." Tara rolls her eyes in exasperation. "Now I feel all headachey and nauseous. Nothing good can come from Carrie being around. Shit Jax." Tara sighs, "I don't think I can do it today. I'm not up for that discussion if it comes up. It tore us all apart back then and it's a miracle we healed from it. I'm calling them and seeing about changing it for tomorrow. I still want you to go out on a ride, though, you need it. I can see the tightness in your shoulders. Please baby, please do it for me. When I take a nap this afternoon please get out for a while you don't have to be gone long if you don't want but get out and feel the wind."
Jax is relieved that Tara is being so persistent about him going for a ride. He knows how much he needs the pavement right now. "I'm not promising but I will think about it. But first we need to decide on what we're going to do about Carrie. I don't know what she could be up to unless she just thinks that she is getting one over on Lyla."
"And what Jax? Blurt out the truth one day? My mistake, it was Opie I was fucking not Jax, and they didn't tell you the truth. If they were your real friends they would've told you. Do you think this is what she wants, to pull the rug out from under Lyla's feet?"
"I don't know. Carrie doesn't do anything unless she benefits from it and as far as we know she doesn't know we own the shop. So what can she get out of it this? Lyla has nothing to give her except what she it is doing now. If money is what she wants, or if it's to hurt Lyla then Carrie won't have an upper hand until it's proven that we own the shop. The only thing I know to do is keep an eye on her and try to figure out what she is up to."
Jax, it will kill Lyla to find out that we kept this from her and let Carrie play her. They're all jealous of Lyla and what they think Lyla has. They have no idea how hard Lyla has it." Tara shakes her head. "I'll never understand how sweet Lyla made it in the porn world."
"Yeah, I know. If we'd met her under different circumstances and then found out what she did for a living we'd both called that person a liar. Look, Lyla doesn't know that I told you, just play stupid if this blows back, then let it blow back on me. It will hurt her less if she thinks that I never said anything to you about it. Why would I say anything when Carrie's spewing that she and I were sleeping together? It makes reason that I wouldn't say anything to you, I was protecting Ope. You know the guys remember all that shit when it went down between Opie, Carrie and Donna - it was monumental, we all have battle scars from that. The brothers might be able to shed some light if we can't figure it out because they've been around her more. Tig might know, too. Maybe we can find out what she's up to before Lyla gets hurt."
Jax turns serious; he puts on a blank face that Tara can't read and it scares her. She misreads it and thinks it's about Lyla. "What is it? What's wrong?"
Jax takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. "It's not about that. We need to decide on what kind of arrangements we want for John. We haven't had time to talk about it. Do you know when you might be getting out of here?"
Tara's eyes become wet immediately and she looks down, writhing her hands and sighing deeply. "In two days if nothing happens. As long as my blood count is up and I pass some tests they have to give me then they'll let me go." Her shoulder's slump; she doesn't want to look up at Jax and meet his eyes. She can't stand to see the pain on his face - her own pain is getting to be too much for her already. To think she has to go through this is unbearable; she doesn't want to do this. Tara just wants to be left alone. She feels so empty, so lonely, and her arms ache even though Jax is sitting right there and all she has to do is reach out and touch him. She isn't lonely for him - she's lonely because of the empty void in her stomach and arms. Tara feels like her now-flat stomach is mocking her: the stomach that had been the home to her now dead infant son, the home that she first rubbed when she find out she was pregnant, the home when he first kicked, first hiccupped, the home that is now empty. He should still be nestled within her, where he would be safe, where he would be growing day-by-day waiting until the time he was SUPPOSED to be born. But that day in November will never come; that day is just a day of empty promises. Her tears finally win the battle of trying to escape her eyelids, and they running down her face. She looks up at Jax, trying to put on the façade as if she really cares about these details. "What do you want to do?"
Jax takes a deep breath so he can get this out. Jax doesn't want to do this anymore than Tara does, and he can see through her facade. But it has to be done and she isn't strong enough to get through some grand SAMCRO wake with partying afterwards. Half-naked women around, people fucking in the clubhouse, it's not going to be happening here not for his son, never. They're not going to sully his memory. If truth be known Jax isn't that strong either. "I was thinking about just something small, one night, no overnight guests with a few exceptions. I know Jury is going to be here whether we want him to be or not. This doesn't have to be and isn't going to be a big blow out SAMCRO-style. I don't want it and I know you don't either. So, a small wake on the 21st if you are out by then. Then later a small little get together with our SAMCRO family, some sort of family celebration and we bury his ashes." Jax grimaces as he uses the word, 'celebration.' "How does that sound?"
Tara looks closely, peers into the blue depths of his eyes and sees a changed man, a man who has experienced pain, the worse pain he has endured in his life. A pain he could have lived his whole live without ever experiencing and he would never have been happier. "Okay, whatever you want, Jax. I know there is certain protocol you need to follow so whatever you have to do I'll be there by your side." No matter how awful the things they've been going through, Jax's still President of SAMCRO and that can't be forgotten.
Jax looks at his wife. Tara still amazes Jax, amazes him every day and he loves her more for it. She's living through the worse pain of her life, he can't imagine what can bring more pain than what they are in now, and he doesn't want to. All those years ago when she left Charming, left him, he was devastated and he can admit now he was acting like a spoiled little prick. That if he hadn't been so stubborn he could have gone after her. It wasn't like he didn't know where she was going he could have found her. But he chose to stay in Charming and miss her and he missed her every day, every minute of the day, until the very second she walked back into his life. He knew there was a chance she would come back. It gave him hope, the possibility that Tara would return. Now this is different: Jax knows John can't return, he's gone forever and it's hard to accept. "Okay, that's what we'll do. I'll call Chibs and get him to set everything up for the 21st. We don't have to stay long, just a couple of hours, then we'll leave. I don't want you to overdo it." Jax takes her hands in his and kisses their backs gently, stroking them with his thumbs while looking into her wet, beautiful, green eyes. "I love you."
"I love you too Jax."
"Hey, how about after I make these phone calls I get Tig to bring us something to eat? Then after we eat I snag a wheelchair and we stroll around looking at all the SOA flowers that came? We distributed them throughout the hospital and in patients' rooms." Jax decides not to mention the listening devices. Then we can hang out in the solarium for a little while and enjoy the sunshine, what do say?
"That sounds good. I'll call Fi about changing the date. While you're on the phone and waiting for Tig and food I can take a short nap."
"Okay I'll probably be down in the chapel; you have your phone?" Tara picks her phone up and waves it at him. "Okay, good. I'll see you in a little bit." Jax kisses Tara, his mouth comes down on hers, kissing her lips playfully, lovingly. Tasting his wife brings a peace over him that he needs. "What do want something from the diner?"
Tara looks at Jax like he has just promised her a year's supply of chocolate; she has a big dreamy look on her face. "Food! I'm so hungry I feel like I haven't eaten in years. I don't know... A BIG JUICY CHEESEBURGER WITH ONIONS sounds wonderful, but then again so does a TURKEY SUB WITH SWISS CHEESE, HONEY MUSTARD AND ONIONS." Tara moans, "Oh it all sounds so good I can't decide," Tara's mouth's practically dripping with anticipation. The hospital food from the past few days has been pathetic.
Jax hasn't heard Tara moan like that in a while and food wasn't on her mind then. Thinking about the last time he heard that moan and what caused that moan makes Jax shift a little. "A big juicy burger it is, it won't hurt to have some red meat, boost that blood up and clog those arteries. I don't know if I need to leave you alone or not"
She looks at him confused, "Why? I am okay, right?" Tara becomes scared that Jax knows more about her physical condition than she does.
Jax looks at her smirking, "Babe you are more than okay but the way you were just moaning and groaning about your lunch stirred something inside me. You can't be doing that we have to behave for a while."
With a big smile on her face Tara gives Jax a little laugh and brushes her hand across his crotch and winks at him, "When have we ever behaved?"
Knowing that dreamy look in her eyes, Jax tries to talk reason. "Tara no, we can't do this we have to wait until the doctor gives us the go ahead."
This time it isn't unmistakable what Tara's doing as she rubs his cock up and down the full length from the base to the tip of the head Jax can't help it he's trying to control himself by thinking about anything and everything from soft kittens to dead puppies, trying to calm his dick down, but nothing is working as Tara puts more pressure on him through his jeans. "Damn it, you don't know what you're doing to me. I'm about to come in my pants like a horny teenager, We can't do this." Jax is desperate; beads of sweat pop on his forehead and his hips unconsciously begin to thrust towards Tara. It takes everything Jax has to back away from Tara. He's dick's so hard it's twitching, hell it's doing a dancing in his pants. "Now look what you did to me. I have to walk around the hospital with a rock hard cock."
Tara is smug. "You can always cum in your jeans it wouldn't be the first time. I can remember a couple of times you left from my house wet and uncomfortable but you had a smile on your face." Tara's smile becomes wider. "Jax, it isn't like we haven't christened over half of this hospital, like when I was on-call on weekends? Besides, most of these nurses have the sight of your ass imprinted in their mind. I'm sure a few wouldn't mind seeing it again."
Jax looks at her horrified, "Are you pimping me out?"
Tara snapped, "Hell no baby! Just if one comes in at an inopportune time while I'm getting my husband off then that's their problem."
With the smile of the devil he bends down kissing her deeply, then brushes his tongue across her lips. "You're killing me, woman. Can I get a rain check on that offer until this evening? Maybe when things quiet down around here and there's less of a chance that someone is going to walk in and see my ass?"
"Okay. We can do that." Jax thinks Tara will be out of the mood then and after a full day ahead of her, she'll be asleep before she knows it. This is just fine by Jax because the last thing his wife needs to be worrying about is jerking him off. But still, the most pressing matter at hand now is him having to walk around with a hard cock.
Jax leans over again and kisses her. "I'll be at the chapel; call me if you need me. I love you."
Tara smiles at him as he continues to adjust himself, proud that she can still do that to him so easily. "I love you too."
The rest of the morning and mid-afternoon goes by fast. Jax makes his calls and get things set up for the wake. Jax has time to make a few business calls for the first time in five days; he actually feels like he has gotten something accomplished. Tara has postponed her lunch and business with Fiona and Lyla until tomorrow which makes Jax happier. He's constantly worried that Tara will overdo it. Jax understands Tara needs to take her mind off things and try to grab some normalcy back into her life but she has been rushed the past two days so he needs her to slow the hell down and heal. Tara manages to get in a short thirty minute nap before Jax gets back to her room.
Tig arrives with their lunch and he entertains them with some shit about some of the visiting Nomads getting into it at "The Cavern" and how Phil put them in their place. They all agree they didn't think Phil had it in him and this is something that makes Tara extremely proud. She knows he considers her to be the closest thing to a mother/older sister figure since he has no one, at least no one that Tara knows of.
Tig goes to run some errands; he needs to take care of this shit while he can. This is the first day he hasn't been plastered outside of Tara's door. Jax doesn't plan on going anywhere and a Nomad's standing in for Tig. Jax is trying not to get lax in security. He will not leave what's his unprotected again. Even if it means some of Tara's independence has to suffer because of it. But Jax has a sneaking suspicion that Tara will be fine with it for a while. He knows she's spooked and rightly so; he just wonders if there will be a time when he isn't worried for his family's safety. No, not as long as I'm alive. Jax decides. He will always be worried about his family.
After lunch Jax and Tara cuddle up in bed watching the movie "Spaceballs." It's old, stupid and silly as shit, just what the doctor ordered. They lie there laughing at how stupid it is and how stupid they are for watching it and laughing. Tara slowly relaxes more as the movie wears on and finally starts to nod off towards the end and Jax isn't far behind her. Jax isn't usually a napper but there are unexpected thunder storms rolling through, making the room seem dark and still. At the first clap of thunder Tara jumps awake. She's scared, it reminds her of that night; the night that Jax, Abel, and herself will never forget. Thunderstorms will always remind her of that night, now, but as she snuggles into Jax's chest and the safety of his arms she relaxes. They're both mentally and physically exhausted. The raindrops tapping against the window lull Tara back to sleep; the rain's steady rhythm maintains their rest along with the blackness outside.
They sleep for a good two hours before slowly waking up. Tara looks over at Jax's still sleeping form, he looks peaceful, the most peaceful she has seen him in two days. She lies still so she doesn't wake him. Tara wants him to get all the rest he can get so she just eases back and shuts her eyes hoping that sleep will wash over her again. Jax starts to stir about thirty minutes later and Tara opens her eyes to see her husband gazing down at her. She grins at his smirk and asks, "What's wrong?"
"Nothing babe," Jax gathers her in his arms and kisses the top of her head carefully. "Do you know how much you mean to me? There aren't enough words that can express my love for you. Even love isn't good enough or strong enough. When I see you I just want to crawl up in you because I never can get enough of you. You are my addiction. I am always craving you, wanting more of you, I have to have you. There is no way I want to live my life without you, your leaving for so long confirmed that. I can get through anything as long as I have you. That's how I know I will get through this and I will get you through this too. You just have to trust me."
Tara looks up at her husband wondering how did she get so lucky to have the love of a man like Jax Teller. A man who isn't afraid of sharing his love and feelings with her, a man who isn't afraid to love fearlessly and wholeheartedly. A man that can be rough on the outside and so tender on the inside, one that can kill a man with his bare hands but never lay a hurting hand on her, a man who can send pure euphoria washing over her body with a single touch. "I do trust you, Jax, and you're right - we'll get through this. It won't be easy, but we'll get through this."
With the weather as it is there's no way Jax can go anywhere. Which is fine with him; he doesn't feel like leaving Tara today and it isn't solely because he doesn't want her to be alone. Jax doesn't want to be away from her himself; he needs to be near her. Since Jax lost those two days with Tara he wants all the time with her he can get. Jax's decision only solidified once he found out Tara's doctors wanted to talk to Tara about their future family - Jax wasn't going to budge at that point. But that turned out to be a wash, though. The doctors just tell Jax and Tara won't know anything until she heals completely. The doctors estimate that to be on a two-to-three month timeline. Tara didn't say anything but Jax knows it bothers her. She's not patient, she has to know things. That's how she works and he wouldn't change a thing about his wife. He's glad he was here so he could be here for her and hear it for himself.
They order subs for dinner; Tara gets her turkey and swiss. Tig comes back and the three of them sit around eating, talking and watching movies. Finally, Tig's replacement for the night arrives and Tig kisses Tara good night as he and Jax slip out of the room. Tig is happy his prez's voice isn't as weary when he asks, "Has anyone heard anything yet?"
Tig doesn't like having to tell his President bad news or no news. "Naw, there are no leads at all, Jax, not since the cemetery. We're still searching, all the charters are searching. Alvarez has all the Mayans looking; they have their eyes open too. She was close by, we don't know if she still is but someone had to have seen her, and know who was with her. We'll find her, I just don't know when. Just because we can't find her doesn't mean Tara isn't in danger. As long as Gemma is alive I am afraid that Tara and the boys, even you Jax, are going to be in danger. She won't give up Jax, she has been at this with Tara for 16 years and now Gemma is more unstable than ever. She's dangerous. She could be dangerous to all of us."
Jax is beyond frustrated that Gemma is nowhere to be found. Up until the night she attacked Tara no one had seen her for two months. So this really doesn't surprise him, but then again no one was looking for Gemma then. Jax really hoped that Gemma would have been caught by now. Jax just wants to feel like his family is safe but they'll have to wait and just continue searching for Gemma. "Alright man, all we can do is keep looking. It isn't like we have any other options right now. We need to find Nero 'cuz if we find him, we find her. You're right; she's unstable and a danger to all of us."
Jax comes back into the room to help Tara with her shower. She doesn't need to be in there alone. But she's coming out of the shower when he walks in. Jax doesn't say anything to her; he doesn't have the energy. Tara gets dressed as Jax slips in for a shower himself, hoping it might relax him some. But Jax knows until Gemma is caught and dealt with he'll remain tense. Tara's already lying in bed when he gets out of the shower and heads towards the bed but stops by the door first. "Has the nurse been in?"
Tara looks at him smiling a devilish grin. "Yeah, she's already been in. Her shift is done for the night so you can lock the door." Jax does just that and turns off the lights, too. He then makes his way to the other side of the room to crawl into bed.
Jax pulls back the covers and starts crawling in bed when he feels something cold, soft and silky. Jax's eyes nearly roll back in his head and he lets out a low growl. Now his eyes have adjusted to the light; he looks down and Tara's wearing one of the gowns Lyla brought. Tara's breasts are spilling out of the top and the feel of the soft satiny material has made him hard immediately. Jax feels like a rutting stag. The feel of Tara in that gown, the softness flowing up and down his body, the creaminess of her skin and the gown is driving him over the edge; his cock's throbbing. Jax leans over Tara, bringing his mouth down over hers, trying to not to act desperate, trying to be soft as he slowly flicks his tongue between her lips. Jax parts her lips successfully, leisurely entwining his tongue with hers. He groans deeply as his hands move to massage her breasts, remembering to be gentle, being careful not to hurt her. Jax has to feel them and has to have them in his hands. Jax thinks of all the things he wants to do to them as he kisses her neck down to her shoulder, and then pulls the top of her gown down just slightly and takes her nipple in his mouth. Jax moans loudly as he switches breasts, licking and gently sucking. Tara rolls him on his side, kissing him and tugging on his lower lip slightly, kissing him along his jaw line, working her way to his ear and nibbling on it lightly. Jax is fidgeting as she strokes his cock through his boxers while his hips snap. Jax can't keep still he's so horny he can't stand it. He reaches down and pulls his boxers off and drops them on the floor while Tara kisses down his neck to the crook. She stops there, twirling her tongue, sucking his skin before showering him with kisses all the way down his chest. Tara moves to his nipple, slowly flicking her tongue across it. Jax inhales sharply. With her mouth still on his nipple she reaches down, taking her gown and slowly running it up and down his dick and balls and until Jax begs, "Don't stop babe please don't stop." Tara slowly grasps him, stroking him from the base to tip, circling the head of his dick with her thumb through her satin gown. "Jesus Christ, Tara," Jax pants, "I feel like a fucking teenager it feels so damn good. I had forgotten how, your soft little hand feels stroking me. I don't think I can last much longer babe." Tara moves her head down and works her mouth back up to his, then, she moves her mouth to his ear, gently nibbling on his lobe. She starts fondling his balls and picks up speed while stroking him, with her bad hand twisting slightly with her wrist. Suddenly Jax takes over, grabbing her breast, then bending down and taking the nipple of one in his mouth while caressing the other. Jax is pumping her hand around him, moaning, "Tighter baby."
Tara grasps his dick tighter as he pumps harder and faster. Jax starts to get erratic with his strokes so Tara grips as tight as she can and starts working him faster and harder. She bends so Jax can hear her. "That's it baby. Does it feel good? Then cum for me, Jax, show me what you want to do to me, show me." Tara pumps Jax hard three more times before he grunts as he cums, followed by his body crumbling. After several minutes Jax is pretty sure there's cum all over both of them. Jax's trying to gather his thoughts but it's hard. Finally, he shakes the cobwebs out of his head.
"Baby, I have never... not even as teenagers... has it ever felt like that." Jax doesn't move, he can't - but he's pretty sure that he never envisioned himself as a thirty-three years old lying in his wife's hospital bed getting a hand job and it being this great. Of course he never thought the words wife and hand job would coincide with each other either. That's all the time he has to dwell on it because within two minutes he's out. Tara smiles and knows they're going to be sticky. But with the shit that has happened in the past week it doesn't matter, Jax needed this, and Tara would do anything for him. So she just lets Jax drift off go on to sleep as she follows off quickly behind him.