A/N: As always a big thank you to my beta McIlwain for sticking with me through this story.
This is rated MATURE for a reason; language and sex.
A late night phone call from Chibs informed Jax of a business meeting for the investors of the new Charming Multi Sports Complex. Jax, Chibs, and Bobby need to attend in the morning to meet with the Complex's other investors. Then there would be yet another meeting with the investors at Oswald Business Center. Jax didn't understand why there needed to be an investor meeting when there were only 3 other investors beside SAMCRO and one of them was The Women's Center. SAMCRO is the main investor along with Oswald Construction, The Gear Sporting Goods and The Women's Center. SAMCRO and The Women's Center were the only investors not making anything off The Sports Center deal. SAMCRO and The Women's Center could have handled the financials but they needed Oswald Business Center and other investors to ensure Charming residents the Center was legitimate. Thus, Oswald Constructioon sold SAMCRO the land for the site and The Gear Sporting Goods won the sports equipment contract. It still bothered Jax that he needed Elliott Oswald as a public figure for himself and SAMCRO to be accepted but The Sports Complex was good for the kids of Charming and that's what was the most important.
Jax didn't want to leave the hospital this morning but he knew too much was on the line for this deal and Tara would be upset if she thought the deal for the new Sports Complex fell through because of her. Jax will be back to get Tara and take her home on time. When Jax left before 8 a.m. the next morning for Oakland Tara was still asleep so he kissed her lightly. He didn't want to wake her but Jax vowed to get back on time so he could take Tara home. Jax just had to taste his wife's lips before he left. He left Tig in charge and was confident everything would be okay while he's gone.
Jax plans on heading back to the clubhouse after the meeting to switch out his bike for the car again, and then drive to the hospital to get Tara and take her home where she belongs. Jax just wants to get her home. For God's sake she just had a baby, his baby and nearly died. Jax he wants her where he can take care of her. She's his wife and he's the one that needs to be taking care of her and no one else.
Jax has finished his meeting in Oakland and is sitting astride his bike along with Chibs and Bobby. They're chatting in front of Oswald Business Center and preparing to go in for the next meeting at 9 a.m. with the investors when Jax's phone rings. "Yeah."
"Hey boss we have a problem"
"What's wrong?"
"Tara, she's not good. They won't release her today. The doctors are pumping her with iron; her count is too low they say so she can't get her medical release until tomorrow. She had a spell in the shower and passed out. She's okay now. Shaken up and depressed that she's not getting out today. I told her tomorrow is fine, and there'll be plenty of time before the wake, they said she could get out early. They have her on an IV now filled with some type of vitamins and then they'll remove it when it's empty.
"Fuck. I can't get there Tig for a couple of hours. Are you sure she's okay? Did she hurt herself in the shower?"
"A couple more bruises and another knot on the head. Her ribs are sore but not broken. The main thing is her spirit's broken. She just wants to be home. Don't worry about it I got her - she'll be fine until you get here, hell, she can't go anywhere. She's scared of course. Wants to be better, feels like she's letting you down. Fi's here and Lyla's supposed to be here before long."
"Shit, she doesn't need to see Lyla."
"What's up? Why no Lyla?"
"Carrie."
"Carrie? What the fuck does that whore have to with it?"
"That's just it I don't know. It seems Carrie has been coming in at Leather & Lace and helping Lyla and now that Tara's immobile and Lyla's helping at The Nest then Carrie's there at the store more. She told Lyla she and I were fucking behind Tara's back in high school. I don't know what her angle is. I haven't had time to figure it out yet but I know she's up to something I don't know if it's money she's after, merchandise or what but she's after something. Then yesterday when I went and picked the boys up I noticed the increased amount of crow eaters around. I understand about the charters helping but they don't need to be there when we are on family lockdown. When I was leaving Carrie was pulling in with a carload of crow eaters. I called Hap and had him escort them out. I couldn't just kick her out or else whatever she's planning would blow up. So Hap sent a majority of them away which still left more than enough there at the clubhouse. We don't think she knows Tara owns the shop Tara's hardly there and definitely not there when Carrie is. We haven't figured it out and Lyla doesn't know that Tara knows. I'm keeping it that way so Tara doesn't get any blow back and Lyla won't feel Tara has betrayed her if the truth finally comes out before I can stop whatever Carrie's planning. I was going to black ball her but I am afraid to do that until I know exactly what's going on and how to handle her."
"That bitch's bat shit crazy. Carrie was with Ope. I don't understand. She hasn't been around for a couple of years. She came back around a couple of months before we built the new clubhouse. I think I heard she has an old man somewhere he was one of Darby's old guys. I wonder if that has something to do with it? I'll see what I can find out. Did Hap say what happened when he escorted them out?"
"He said they weren't happy but he sent them over to The Cavern where there were still some brothers around. Hap and Chibs cleaned out the dorms of women it seems that some have taken up residency in the past couple of days since the charters have rolled in. It also seems lockdown doesn't mean anything to some of these brothers. They were told to go to the motel if they wanted company for the night. Lyla told me that Carrie tried to make in the porn business then some light prostitution."
"What the fuck is light prostitution?"
"It means she didn't have many Johns and she was starving."
"I'll see what I can find out. Do you want me to tell Tara anything about Lyla?"
"I'll call her but keep an eye on the situation. Stay in her room if you have to, you're Tara's bodyguard since she's passing out."
"Got it. You call Tara."
"I will and this is the perfect cover for someone to be up her ass and not letting her do things she isn't supposed to be doing. Has the doctor seen her?"
"Yeah he checked her over nothing but bumps and bruises her stitches are fine. I made her eat and drink Dr. Johnson said she wasn't getting enough fluids. She's had juice, water, coffee and tea only thing is she has to pee all the time. That means she has to have a nurse hovering over her the whole time and you know how much Tara hates that and she has to lug that IV pole around everywhere she goes. I suggest bringing her chocolate lots of it and anything else that makes her happy. Fresh donuts I heard her talking to Fi about wanting donuts, chocolate and something from the bakery she likes too."
"I got you, I'll stop and load up I need some of Bobby's cookies; I think I'll call him and have him bake a special batch. Hey, Tara didn't eat one of Bobby's cookies did she? Is that what caused her to fall?"
"Naw, I checked all the cookies were gone I ate the last one earlier. She hadn't had one and she was fine when she got up and went in to the bathroom. I found out she had an incident night before last but didn't black all the way out just got disoriented."
"She didn't tell me and she looked and acted fine. Fi's with her now?"
"Yeah."
"Well I'll call her now she shouldn't be too bad if Fi's there. Of course her state of mind it might not matter but I guess I'll find out. Hey thanks, I'll be there as soon as I can."
"Jax don't kill yourself to get here she's fine. I'm here I'll stay with her until you get here. Just do what you have to do there. She'll probably be asleep in an hour I can tell she's getting close and it'll be time for her pain medicine in thirty minutes plus they're giving her something to keep her calm for the time being so she'll be out cold."
"Okay, I'll take my time getting back to Charming. When I finish here I'll stop by the clubhouse and then the store.
"Okay, see you then."
When Jax ends the call with Tig he sighs and shakes his head he knows he has to call Tara. Jax's sure he doesn't want to but he has to hear Tara's voice to make sure she's okay. Why in the hell didn't she tell me about almost falling? Jax takes a deep breath he had planned on being home in the guest bed tonight with his wife in his arms. He isn't worried about the wake her welfare means more than seeing these people but he knows that it means something to Tara. She thinks if she isn't there then it will disrespect their son and Jax as President and nothing could be farther from the truth. But Jax isn't going to tell Tara what she can feel and what she can't. Jax has time before the meeting starts. Jax had planned on going to the clubhouse and take care of some business and sneak a little time in with the boys since their leaving tomorrow evening late. Jax knows he and Tara have an appointment with Becky, the Family Counselor at The Women's Center sometime today he better call Tara and find out what's going on. See if she needs him to come back for a while.
Jax has stared at the phone in his hand long enough. He flips it open and hits speed dial #1.
"Hello."
"Hey Babe how are you feeling?"
"You talk to Tig?"
"Yep"
"I am so sorry Jax."
"For what?"
"For not being able to go home today."
"Tara, you being able to go home today has nothing to do with what I want. I want you to get better. I don't care if you have to stay in there a month if that's what you need to get better."
"But the wake."
"What about the wake?"
"I have to get out of here before then."
"Well I thought they were releasing you early tomorrow morning, but you'll have plenty of time to get home, rest and make it to the wake."
"What if they don't let me go home soon Jax? What are we going to do then?"
"First off we'll worry about that tomorrow. The most important thing is you, are you okay? Did you hurt yourself?"
"I'm fine. My ego's just bruised along with my arm, ribs and thigh. I feel so stupid."
"Why baby?"
"I don't know, I just do."
"When are we supposed to meet with Becky?"
"She called and wanted to know if we were still on and said she had some time in an hour. I told her that you were gone and I was going to be here awhile so there isn't any rush."
"Call her back. My next meeting is at 1 p.m. so see if she's still available. We'll do it; I'm an hour away so we won't be waiting around to do it later. I'm on my way in, I'll see you in forty-five minutes. I love you." Jax decides to hell with the investors meeting they can wait a day or two or Chibs and Bobby can relay what happens during the meeting. Tara needs him and that's all that matters to Jax right now.
"Okay, I love you too."
Jax gets off the phone quick he's afraid she'll argue but she doesn't and that worries Jax more than if she did. If Tara's arguing that means she cares. Fiona's there and Lyla's on her way; maybe that has something to do with it. All he knows is he's heading to the hospital to check Tara out for himself.
Jax pulls in the hospital parking lot in record time. He didn't realize he had been speeding that fast but ten minutes from Lodi to Charming is too fast even for him. But Jax needs to get to Tara to look her over with his own eyes and make sure she's okay. Jax needs to see for himself. He also hasn't noticed he's been holding his breath all the way here and it isn't because of his driving. But that's something Jax seems to be catching himself doing a lot lately; forgetting to breath. Jax quickly makes his way to Tara's room and finds Tig sitting outside her door. "Hey brother how's she?"
"She's alright. That grief counselor chick Becky is in there now, they're waiting on you. Fi and Lyla left about ten minutes ago."
"How did things go with Lyla?"
"Okay. Nothing was mentioned. Lyla seemed fine. What do you have in the bag?"
Jax smirks, "Chocolate, and tons of it. I'll talk to you when we're finished.
Taking another deep breath Jax opens the door and walks into the room confident and smiling even though he doesn't feel like either one at the moment. Jax is greeted by a smiling Becky and a reserved Tara. Jax walks over shaking Becky's hand then turns to Tara and stands beside her bed. Jax lifts her chin with his finger looking into her eyes - he sees shame and guilt in them. There's no reason for it. Jax bends down and kisses Tara gently. It's a simple kiss but it has so much meaning in it Tara shivers which makes Jax smile. "I brought you something." Putting down the bag of chocolate candy, every kind you could think of: chocolate bars, chocolate drops, chocolate pieces, dark chocolate, milk chocolate, white chocolate and fudge. Every chocolate they had at the candy store.
Tara looks in the bag and then back up at Jax smiling a half smile. She really is grateful for the bag she just isn't feeling it. Tara just feels blah and empty. Yesterday was the first day since John died that she has felt like this. Of course it has only been three days ago yet it seems like a year to Tara. She looks back at Becky with a smile that means let's get this over with.
Tara's colleague, Becky Evans, will be the Family Counselor at the new Woman's Center. She has come to visit Tara and Jax to talk to them and help educate them on how to cope with their grief. She tells them the stats. "Ninety percent of parents that have lost a child end up divorced." Tara grabs Jax's hand, squeezing it tightly. Jax returns the squeeze, then brings her hand up to his lips and kisses the back of hers lightly. A simple gesture Jax and Tara do to reassure each other they're there by each other's side and have each other's back.
Becky continues. "The most important thing is to be aware that no two people grieve in the same way. It's important to respect how the other person's grieving as long as they aren't a threat to themselves or others. Never pass judgment on how the other is coping, and help them along when they need your help. There's not a wrong way or right way to grieve as long as you're not a danger to yourself or someone else. Be supportive, you will not always be grieving at the same time or in the same way. You might have to stop and put things aside and help the other one. Don't do it begrudgingly, don't lose patience, and continue to love and respect each other the same way you do in your marriage. There's never a set amount of time on how long a person should grieve. Each person is different, there isn't a set timeline for it, you, just need to be patient and draw on your love."
Becky knows this information isn't needed but says it anyway. She's seen Jax and Tara enough to know they already do this. "Love and nurture each other as you already do and I have no doubt that your marriage will stay strong. Keep the lines of communication open and listen to one another. You may not have the answers the other is looking for, but always listen. Sometimes we don't always have the answers. Sometimes we don't want answers; we just want to get it off of our chest."
Becky smiles. "I have a suggestion that seems to help couples. I know it's a cliché but it works. Start a date night to help stay connected to one another. Do it once a week and set it for the same day each week; my former patients say this seems to be the easiest way to keep and schedule the date. Don't break that date. If for some reason you really have no choice reschedule it for the day before or the day after for that week. Once you start doing this you'll get the hang of it and you'll find it becomes a natural thing to do. As couples become swamped in the day-to-day of work and children they tend to put everything before their own relationship. Also, take at least one weekend every two months and get out of town, just the two of you. Even if it's just to a local motel. You need that time to connect with the other. Set a certain amount of time every day to check in with each other to talk and see how you are coping and get anything you need to say out in the open. Discuss what you're doing and what you have done for the day. Sometimes you have a lot to say and other times it might just be to steal a kiss but always let the other know what's happening in your life. Busy lifestyles seem to keep people from opening up to each other. You have to make a commitment to share with each other."
"Set aside family weekends. Your whole family needs to reconnect because this affects them as well."
"Tara, you are going to go through physical changes. Your arms are going to ache to hold something. This isn't unusual. Some women find wrapping their arms around a pillow helps. Some people feel more depressed at night. When everything has stilled and you have time to think your arms will ache to hold something. Use a pillow then or use Jax or the boys. This is perfectly normal and as you work through your grief it will eventually go away. You may feel like the baby's still inside you and moving and kicking, it's known as phantom kicking and this is normal too."
"This is the most valuable advice I can give to you. I could lie to you and say this is going to be easy but I won't, you two are smarter than that. Knowing the two of you as well as I do, seeing the compassion between you two, these things will empower your marriage. These rules will further deepen your bond as husband and wife."
"Remember this isn't your fault; there's nothing that you could have done." Jax squeezes Tara's hand tightly. "Don't blame yourself because it won't do you or your family any good. You have two young boys that are going to need your attention and love and you can't do that if you're blaming yourself for something that isn't your fault. Schedule family time into your day. Set aside a time when you get with the boys and just play with them. Kids are extremely perceptive and can pick up on your feelings. They need the fun and release as much as you two do."
Jax is grateful Becky used her time to come by and talk to them and it seems today is the day Tara has needed this the most. There's someone else in the equation, though, that Jax has been equally worried about. "What about Abel and what he saw? We haven't been home to ask or talk to him about it. He's a bright little boy; he likes to talk about everything so how do we handle this? Should we put Abel in some kind of therapy or do you think he'll be alright on his own?"
Becky knows Abel very well. "I've spoken with Abel and he seems to be doing better than he was at first. He doesn't seem to be as scared of you, Tara, as he was. He was traumatized at first -he was afraid because of all the blood, and because you were unconscious and not able to talk to him, Tara. I think his main scare was that he was going to hurt his mommy again and make her bleed. Since he's been around you a little more there are no signs of him being scared."
"He doesn't have nightmares and isn't afraid to be at The Center. Abel was at the Center a couple of days ago for a delivery and he seemed fine. From what Abel has recanted to me he didn't see the actual attack, he came in at the end, and saw Gemma standing over you and then leaving."
"Since there doesn't seem to be any lasting effect just go about as usual and don't make a big deal of it. If you continue asking how he feels you'll be walking a fine line between trying to find out if he's afraid from the attacks or just everyday little boy fears. He may begin to feel confused and afraid or that there's something wrong with him. If he asks you about the attack answer him honestly and in an age-appropriate manner. Soothe his fears. Don't use the word "attack" when you do have to talk to him about this. Call it an "accident," always reiterate that it was an accident. Make sure he's not in the house when you're talking about the attack by yourselves, with others, or on the phone. Children can hear everything except for when you're calling or talking to them!"
"You and your family will be fine. Abel is doing great. Just continue what you've been doing all along and follow his lead."
They say their farewells. Jax throws is arm around Tara's shoulders and asks her, "What do you say Mrs. Teller? After we get out of here and you start feeling better we can get someone to watch the boys and go out to dinner? How about that new steakhouse in the Lodi?"
Tara's beams. "I would love that Mr. Teller. It's a date." Jax kisses Tara slowly and softly, then rests his forehead against her's. Jax breathes deeply, knowing they're just starting this grieving process. He knows it isn't going to be easy but he knows they can do it. "How are feeling? Are you tired?"
Tara lays her head on Jax's shoulder. "Yeah, I am. I think I need to lie back; I don't feel too good."
Jax looks at Tara's face and she seems fine but there's definitely something wrong with her and he can't tell what. He looks down her body and once he sees her ribs are wrapped he figures it out. "Baby show me where you hurt yourself."
Tara breathes deeply but there's a hitch before she does, then she carefully lets out some air. She turns and looks at Jax. The longer she does the sadder and more defeated she looks. Tara begins to sigh. "It's just some bumps and bruises. There isn't anything big." She turns her head after she stops talking: the big, bad ass biker's tough old lady is hurt. She's hurting more than she's letting on and he knows it. She hurt herself in her fall and she doesn't want him to know.
Jax knows he has to be careful of what he says here. Tara's depression is setting in. Tara has injuries that have been ignored because of the baby and she's been hiding the pain and problems she's having. They're lucky she hasn't started hemorrhaging again, but this time it's her own fault "Babe, I need for you to tell me exactly where it hurts. I need to know, Tara. I need for you to be honest with me because I am taking you home tomorrow whether the doctors think you should go or not. I'll get a nurse for the house if I have to, but I need to know what injuries you have, Tara. God baby I need you, the boys need you. We need you to get well." Jax's emotions start to get away from him and his voice starts to rise. "Damn it, Tara, you have to stop being so stubborn, this isn't only about you. You have a family that loves and needs you. Quit being so selfish." Jax's face is red and he's huffing he didn't mean to get all worked up and yell at her, he really didn't, but he's at the end of his emotional rope. "I'm sorry, Tara. I didn't mean to yell at you but I can't keep doing this if you're not going to help yourself."
Jax turns and walks out the room. When he gets to the other side of the door he sits down in the empty chair next to Tig rubbing his face with his hands. Jax rests his elbows on his knees and sits there with his head buried in his hands. He just sits there and doesn't say anything and neither does Tig.
Tara sits stunned in her room alone watching the door close behind Jax. She doesn't know what to think or do and she's confused. Tara feels like her world is slipping away from her. She grabs the telephone off the nightstand beside the bed and slings it across the room; it hits the far wall breaking into pieces. That wasn't enough of an emotional release so Tara looks around for something else to throw there's nothing close. She curls up into a ball on her side with her back facing the door. Tara just lies there not knowing what to do, what to feel, or how to feel. She just knows her world won't stop spinning, it's turned upside down and she is unable to get her footing.
Jax huffs as he hears the distinct sound of a telephone disintegrate against the wall. Tig speaks, "Jax man, you're going to have to cut her a little slack. This is Tara, you know how she is, she can't change just because this has happened to her."
"Yeah I know." Jax remains silent. Finally Jax gets up and walks back into Tara's hospital room. Stepping over the broken telephone parts Jax sees Tara curled into a ball lying on the bed. Jax's heart breaks because he has done this, he has caused her this pain. Jax slowly walks over to her still form on the bed not knowing if she's awake or asleep. As Jax gets closer he can see the green of Tara's eyes. He tentatively speaks, "Tara?" She doesn't speak. "Tara, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you or spoke to you that way. I'm so sorry, I'm just so worried, but I shouldn't have spoken to you like that."
Tara speaks without moving. "I'm okay Jax really. I'm just sore right now. I'll be alright. I promise. I'm just sore and they gave me some me pain medicine I'll be fine Jax," Tara sighed with tears running down her cheeks.
Jax walks closer until he's standing beside the bed. He needs to know about her other symptoms he's mentioned. "What about the headaches that you've kept quiet about? The dizziness for how long? The whole time?"
"The headaches come and go. The dizziness is when I turn -I get disoriented or move too fast and then I lose my balance. Today is the first day I've passed out. The other night I don't think I passed out, I just lost my balance and fell."
Jax asks her, "Can you scoot over, babe, make room for me?"
Tara looks surprised. "You have to go."
"I have time and I'm going to spend it here with you. Now let me hold you. I need to feel you in my arms." Jax carefully scoops her up and holds her to him. "I need you Tara. I've never felt so lost. I can't do this without you. We've almost ruined our love by not communicating. We've gone on and lived our lives separately in the same house and we can't do that and stay together anymore. We have to get back to where we share everything, every thought and action. We get into trouble when we don't talk to each other. When we think the other doesn't care, or doesn't have time for the other, or when we don't want to worry the other with our problems. You are very important to me and what you do and think are just as important. We used to share everything, our every thought, and we have to do that again for our love to survive. I don't want any secrets anymore because we can't live like that. I know we became involved in other things we thought were more important than what the other one was doing." Jax becomes emphatic. "I have to have you Tara and I also have to have the boys but most of all we have to stop hiding things from each other and thinking the other doesn't care. I love you, you are my world. We get into trouble when we don't talk; we have to act like teenagers again and talk."
"I know Jax I need you too. I'm just tired."
"Go on to sleep. I'll leave in a little bit but I just want to be here with you right now. I'll see you when I get back. Just go to sleep." Jax starts talking softly to Tara in almost a whisper. "I love you babe, always remember that." As Jax runs his fingers through her hair Tara falls quietly to sleep.
Thirty minutes later Jax slips out of bed hoping not to wake Tara. She's resting comfortably and Jax doesn't want to disturb her. With a slight smile he kisses his sleeping wife and whispers, "I love you." Before Jax heads out the door he stops and picks up the pieces to the now destroyed telephone and drops them in the trash. As he heads out he stops to talk to Tig for a few minutes. He leaves strict instructions to call him if she gets hurt again. Tig nods. That's all Jax needs. Tig will take care of Tara while he's gone. Jax heads out to another meeting. He smiles to himself knowing this surprise for Tara she will love, and so does he. Jax feels this is the best decision he has ever made and he can't wait to complete it so he can tell her about her surprise.
Tara wakes up to an empty bed and can't help but be a little disappointed. She knows Jax has places to be today. He'll be back later so she'll need to distract herself until then. Tara's just starting to get comfortable and trying to find something on TV when there's a light tap at the door. She knows it's Tig but it's also a heads-up signal meaning that someone's here to see her. Any other time he would just walk right in. The door opens with a cheerful, "Hey doll there're some people here to see you from The Center. Do you feel like company?"
She looks at him for a little bit trying to read his face. Finally she sighs. "The nurse is supposed to be coming to take me to the bathroom. When she's finished it'll be okay." Tara's nurse comes to the door like clock-work and walks around Tig and into the room.
The smiling nurse is used to Tig now and she doesn't pay him any attention. This whole situation has become familiar to the hospital staff and everyone else in the hospital - body guards, guns and grief, they all feel the loss. "Okay Tara let's get you to the bathroom it looks like you have some visitors outside."
Tara makes it to the bathroom without incident and back into bed with the nurse's help. Tara tries to get comfortable and settle in. Her nurse checks her IV bag. "It looks like your bag is about empty. Let me go ahead and take out your IV line for you." The nurse takes the IV line out of Tara's hand then puts a Band-aid on it. "There you go. Is there anything else I can get you? You'll still need help getting in and out of bed and going to the bathroom for a little while longer." Tara shakes her head. "Do you want me to send your visitors in?"
Tara smiles at her and nods her head. "Thank you."
The doors open and a few of Tara's colleagues from The Women's Center come in to visit bearing gifts. They have brought Tara her favorite herbal tea from The Book Nook down the street along with her favorite pastry. They also brought Jax a small lunch cooler filled with ice and two beers. When Tara questioned it they told her that's all that was left in the doctor's lounge. Tara wonders if Jax has anything to do with them coming to see her while he's away. They stay and chat for a little bit but are careful not to tire her out. Her colleagues leave in about thirty minutes. Perfect timing, thinks Tara.
Tig is sitting in front of Tara's hospital room leaning his chair against the wall watching the nurses go by when his telephone rings. He looks at the screen before he answers it. "Hello, sweetheart, what can I do for you? I'll be right there." Tig gets up and walks into Tara's room. "Okay, doll, you have been conscious for ninety-six hours and you haven't asked me yet?"
Tara replies softly, "How do you know I want to ask you anything? Maybe I just want to talk?"
"Yeah, you want to talk about what you want to ask me about. Am I right?"
"Yeah... I guess so. Before we get into this discussion can I offer you a beer?"
"Where the hell did you get that?"
"You forget I am a renowned pediatric surgeon or at least I used to be. Compliments of my colleagues."
"Somehow it doesn't make me feel safe knowing the doctors have beer stocked in the frig in the hospital. Yeah give me one but you definitely can't have one. Jax will have my ass if he comes back and you're fucked up on pain meds and drunk."
"Don't worry, I only have two and I know your boss personally. I might can put in a good word for you if you like. Now how do you know what I want to talk to you about?"
"Jax isn't the only one who has known you since you were a kid." Tig gives a shrug. "Gemma might have had me checking in on you from time to time back in the day."
"You're kidding me. You were following me? Back then?"
"Not necessarily following you, I was keeping an eye out for Jax."
"That's the same thing."
"Yeah... Yeah it was. To answer your question, I don't know sweetheart. I'm still trying to figure it all out; how to live with it, how to cope and how to move on."
"But Tig I didn't even know him."
"Yes you did Tara, you knew John before anyone else. You spent twenty-eight weeks with him all to yourself. You knew John better than anyone else."
"No that would be Jax. He got to spend two days with John that I missed."
"You had John to yourself for 196 days, Jax felt John move one time. Only that one time did he move for Jax. You felt him every day. How you saw John the other day was how Jax saw him for those two days that you missed. The only thing you missed was watching John slowly die each day. That's what Jax saw."
Tara puts her head down. She can't believe how narcissistic she is and she feels ashamed. "You're right. I'm just whining wallowing in self-pity."
"No Tara, you are mourning the death of your son. You have Jax and the boys, they need you. So for now allow yourself to grieve and be sad. You need to acknowledge John's existence and then you can help Jax and your boys. They still need you. You're the glue that holds them together."
"I haven't asked you that question yet but I see you know what I'm talking about... has it gotten any easier? Does it get easier? I don't guess that's a fair question, it hasn't been that long ago. Do you sleep any?"
"That's when it hurts the most. Every time I close my eyes I see her and hear her calling out to me, calling for me to help her." Tig unwillingly closes his eyes and hears her. Help, help me Daddy... please Daddy help me. Tig knows. Yeah, the sound of her voice is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.
"I'm sorry Tig. I don't mean to make it worse."
"You're not making it worse Tara and I wouldn't talk about it if I didn't want to. There isn't anything I can tell you that will make it better because I haven't found anything that makes it easier." Tig continues to confess. "I get so fucked up and latch on to some broad every night to try to get some sleep, try to keep her screams out of my head. Usually it's just for a couple of hours but then I wake up and start drinking again and then I just seem to drink myself sober."
Tara grabs Tig's hand and holds it, looking directly into his eyes. "You know I never got to talk to you about when Salazar took me. Just knowing you were there got me and my baby through that bad situation because I knew there wasn't any money. I didn't know what SAMCRO was doing as far as business but I knew we didn't have any money. Everything we had was going to finding Abel. Honestly I don't think that Piney could have done anything. Kozik tried to help but he wasn't as invested in me as you or Piney and didn't know if I could handle the pressure. I knew that you knew me well enough to know I would die fighting and hearing your voice for that brief second I could hear you willing me to hang on. I just want to let you know that not only did you save me then you saved Thomas too. I just wanted to thank you."
Tig isn't used to thanks so he doesn't know what to say. "Don't mention it."
"You want this other beer?"
"I had better just so you don't drink it."
"I never got a chance to tell you I'm sorry about Kozik. I know you two had a history but I also know you Tig, and as much as you liked to pretend you hated him, you really loved him."
"Another one I wished I had reconciled with before they died. But it sure was fun being pissed at him all the time." Tig says with a big smile on his face.
"Well it was entertaining."
Tara's door opens and Jax walks in. "What do we have here? Are you trying to move in on my girl? Can't leave a girl alone for four hours."
"What can I say it's my magnetic personality. Please have beer." Tara takes the second beer out of Tig's hands and gives it to Jax.
Jax looks back at Tig bewildered. "Where the hell did you get beer?"
Tig tips his head in Tara's vicinity. "Evidently she's a renowned pediatric surgeon!"
"Oh Yeah? I think I heard something about that," Jax smiles.
"Yeah?" Tara smiles at Jax.
Tig bids his adieu. "Well thanks for the beer, Doc, and thanks for the talk." Tig begins to walk back to his post.
Jax kisses the top of Tara's head and sits on the edge of the bed. "You can go on to the clubhouse Tig. Just send a prospect over to watch the door tonight. We'll be fine."
"Sure thing boss."
After Tig leaves the room Jax turns to Tara. "What's he talking about?"
"I was asking him how he copes with losing Dawn, what does he do to get by? Has it gotten any easier?" Tara produces a small smile. "I actually feel sorry for him. I have you to help me get through this. After all we've been through together we only have each other we can truly trust. I know how I feel. I can't imagine going through this alone it's hard with you. I'm sorry for earlier. I don't know how you've made it through everything these past couple of days; I guess I trained you right."
Jax playfully kisses Tara and bites her bottom lip. He holds it between his teeth tugging gently before letting go, "I'm sorry too. Yeah I have the very best teacher there is. How about you slide on over so I can tell you how much I love you. I would really appreciate making out with my wife as well."
"Your wife would like that very much." Tara snuggles up to Jax and kisses him slowly then she traces his lips with her tongue. Jax moans and they deepen the kiss with their tongues dancing together. As they both moan, Jax grabs Tara carefully in a tighter hug against his chest. Tara scared him today - just the thought of her hurting anymore kills Jax. Jax needs her to get well so they can start healing. Smirking, Jax carefully caresses Tara's larger breasts and as he groans they finally break apart. He places small kisses on her lips then kisses her forehead and just hugs her tightly.
Jax whispers, "Baby I love you, I've been so scared and worried and then today you scared me more. But you're okay and that's all that matters." Jax starts kissing down Tara's neck towards her collar bone the trails the kisses on down to her breast. "Are they still sore?" Jax asks her, smirking.
"They still hurt but they won't be like this much longer, then all official signs of motherhood will be gone," Tara sighs. "I hate that you didn't get to enjoy them more." Tara said laughing.
"Baby honestly the only time I think about it is when I am in your arms. That's the honest to God truth. I'm a big boy I can wait until we're home but watch out then" Jax smirks at her as he leans down and kisses her.
"Thank you Jax."
"For what?"
"Being you."
Jax kisses his wife. "We'll get through this as long as we stick together."