A/N: Another thank you to my beta McIlwain for getting this update out for me. She has my back and is my rock when I need her most she is always there to help. I would truly be lost without her dedication to The Unmarred Soul. It would not be in existence if not for her. She is an author herself who has put her stories on hold since September to be able to help get this story out. Check out her stories and look for more posts in the future.
This is rated MATURE for a reason; language and sex.
Jax's sleeping soundly when suddenly he can feel it - a hard cold stare. He can feel eyes watching him, his skin tingles while a chill runs down his spine. He knows someone's watching him. He slowly opens one eye. He can see the room is light gray in color, he knows it must be dawn because the sun isn't up yet. Then he sees them - a set of beautiful green eyes, the prettiest pair of eyes he has ever seen. He opens both eyes and looks into those beautiful eyes questioningly. As Tara's lying on her side, her elbow resting on the bed with her head laying in her hand just staring at him. "What is it, what's wrong?" Jax asks.
"Nothing. I'm just waiting for you to wake up."
"But the sun isn't up so why are you awake?"
"I'm ready to go home."
"Shit, Tara," Jax pulls her to him kisses her head, and holds her to his chest. "Baby go back to sleep. We have at least another hour; you know the doctor won't be here until eight so go back to sleep."
"You promised you would take me home today."
"No, I said that if they don't let you go home today, I would take you home anyway. So first we have to see if they will let you go. So go back to sleep we'll leave as soon as he signs those papers." Jax gently strokes Tara's hair which slowly lulls him back to sleep. He doesn't know if Tara has fallen back to sleep but she's quiet with her head on his chest. So he slowly drifts off and is woken up a couple hours later when the nurse comes in. And the circus begins, thinks Jax.
They pack up what little bit Tara has there and wait for the doctor to come. They know he's on the floor somewhere so they're just waiting their turn. One of them patiently, the actual patient; not so patiently.
Finally the doors open and Dr. Johnson and Dr. Lewis come in with smiles on their faces. This places a smile on Tara's face because it's a good sign she'll be discharged. Dr. Johnson is the first to speak. "Well Tara it looks like you will be leaving our fine establishment today." Tara beams. "The nurse has your instructions and as a doctor you know what you're supposed to do. Remember plenty of fluids you don't want to be back in here again. I'm trusting when you get home you'll have pity on your husband and listen to him and follow the orders. I'll see you in my office in two weeks, before if need be." Dr. Johnson smiles, "For a doctor you weren't that bad of a patient. Not for what you've been through. Do you have any questions?" Tara shakes her head as he walks over and shakes her hand. Then he turns and shakes Jax's hand. "Take care of her make and sure she listens to you." Dr. Johnson can't help but to smile knowing Jax has his hands full.
Dr. Johnson leaves and Dr. Lewis continues. "Tara, I know you're glad to be going home. As was said before take it easy and follow your directions. If you start to hemorrhage again come back to the hospital immediately. I know you have a lot to do tonight with the wake but you have to remember you're injured. You have just survived a traumatic injury and you need to stay stationary or in a wheelchair for at least another five days. You aren't strong enough yet to resume your normal activities and with the reconstructive surgery you've just gone through you have to take it easy. I'll see you in my office in three weeks unless you need me sooner. You don't need to be at The Center working I forbid it let the rest of us take care of it. As I told you there will be no physical activity which includes intercourse. It will probably be for at least eight weeks, maybe more, we're just going to have to see how well you heal. I trust Jax will keep you in line better than anyone else can." Dr. Lewis said smiling, "I am sure I'll still see you at The Center. I know you and I won't be able to keep you away from there altogether just as long as you're just stopping by visiting for a short period of time and that's all. Has Becky been by here already to talk to you?"
Jax spoke up, "Yes she has, she's been a great help. Thank you Linda. Truly thank you for all you have done for my wife and my son." Jax shakes Dr. Lewis' hand.
Tara didn't speak; she just let Jax handle everything. Jax has done such a good job for the past week she's been here. A week, a whole week, Tara thought, that was taken out of her life, no ripped out of her life.
The nurse brings the wheelchair in for Tara. She left it knowing Jax will push her out. With her discharge papers in Jax's hand they're ready to go. Jax has never been so happy to get out of a place in his life, hoping that he'll never have to come back here again. Especially not under these circumstances. It's then Jax realizes the majority of his time spent in this hospital has been due to two of the three women who have been in his life and they both put his sons' lives in danger and those odds makes Jax sick on his stomach.
The car is and loaded Tara sits beside Jax as they head home, and it has never felt so good. Jax hasn't told Tara yet he did hire a daily nurse to make sure she has her medicine and is alright, he just needs someone to tell him she's fine. Well he knows she isn't fine, just as well as can be expected. Tara hasn't said a word on the short trip home and Jax can't tell what she's thinking until they pull up in front of their home. "Home. I'm finally home Jax." Then Tara's quiet as she looks out the window and doesn't make any move to get out the car. Jax waits as well until Tara speaks again. She turns and looks at him with tears in her eyes. "Home without our son, it isn't supposed to be this way Jax. We're supposed to be bringing our newborn son home. This is supposed to be a happy time Jax."
"I know Tara, believe me I know. Let's get you inside and get you settled in. We're going to be staying in the guest bedroom until you are able to get around better and climb the stairs." Tara has a look on her face Jax can only describe as pure terror and he understands. He knows as soon as the words leave his mouth but she'll have to do it one day. She'll have to overcome her new found fear of stairs to their and their sons' bedroom, just not today. "Come on, let's go in. This is what we've been waiting for." Jax gets out and goes around and helps Tara out of the car. "You think you need your wheelchair or can you make it holding on to me?"
"No, I'll be just fine." She looks up at him and smiles a real smile, one that he hasn't seen for over a week, one long ass week.
"Okay, let's go my dear." Jax extends his hand and Tara pulls herself up and out of her car, using his arm for support. They make their way up to the door and walk in. The relief that washes over and spreads through Jax's body can't be explained as he walks through his front door with Tara on his arm. There have been some times in the past week when Jax didn't know if he would ever be bringing her home but here they are. Granted, they're missing one very important member of their family one that will be forever missed and always loved. But if Tara had experienced the same fate as his baby boy and not come home well Jax doesn't know what he would do. "Where do you want to go, directly to bed or to the den on the couch?" Jax asks Tara.
"The den," Tara says immediately. "I've been in a bed for a week and I need a break." They head to the den to get her settled in. Tara looks around confused. "What no one here not even a prospect?"
"Oh there's protection you just didn't see it and there will be for as long as we need it. You might not see them but they're here watching over you." Jax makes sure Tara is lying on the couch comfortably before he sits beside her. He looks at Tara directly. "I need to talk to you about something."
"What, you sound so serious?"
"I am but it's a good serious." Jax smiles at her, "You know when I went to my business meeting yesterday afternoon?" Tara nods. "Well I went to an attorney's office to sign these documents." Jax hands Tara an envelope.
"What's this?"
"That's a gift to you for the beautiful son you gave me."
Tara's confused, she doesn't know what to think. "What is it?" Jax just nods to the envelope. Tara slowly opens it and pulls out what looks like a deed. It is a deed to Jax and Tara Teller for 20 acres of land. "What's this about?"
"I know we haven't discussed where exactly we're going to bury John's ashes. I was looking for a quiet and peaceful place that we could go to. Some place that would just be ours. I had Juice looking at all kinds of property and he came across this. When I saw the listing I recognized the place immediately and knew it was a sign. I knew immediately what it was and knew that I had to buy it for us, for you." Tara reads it but she can't tell anything about it and she just looks at Jax questionably. It just looks like a deed in their name for land. "That land there is off route 8, heads out of town by the river. It's our place Tara." She looks confused. "The meadow, it's the deed to the meadow." She gives Jax a blank look. "Our meadow, we're going to bury our son in our meadow."
"OH JAX..." Tara throws herself at him not caring that it'll aggravate her injuries. This is the most precious thing anyone could ever give her. The tears start flowing, and Jax smiles. He's so glad to see his girl smile, a smile that reaches her ears, a real smile. She's happy. It might not be for long but at this moment she's happy. "Oh God Jax, this is... this is unbelievable. I don't know what to say. This's the best thing anyone has given me and the sweetest, Jax. All the memories of this place, the firsts we've had at this place." Her smile just keeps getting bigger. Jax has tears in his eyes. To see his girl so happy despite the things that have happened to her in the past week is worth a million bucks.
"So you like it?" He teases her.
"Jax I love you, not because you bought me some piece of property, but because you bought me this piece of property. That's why I love you. This is so sweet Jax." She leans in and kisses him. A serious kiss, one that quickly turns into a passionate kiss. Tara slides her tongue between his parted lips, putting all her feelings into this kiss, and allows her tongue to interweave with Jax's. Eventually they stop and relax in each other's arms. This feels so good, thinks Jax. They slowly pull apart but Tara remains in his arms and holds onto him tightly. "There isn't a better place to lay our son to rest, thank you baby. I can't believe this, our meadow is really ours."
Jax and Tara make plans that in two weeks they will have a family celebration at the meadow and bury John's ashes with their extended family and a few close friends present. Jax tells Tara, "I want to plant an oak tree in John's memory symbolizing our son's strength and bury his ashes beneath it." Tara likes that idea and is extremely happy as she closes her eyes. Maybe things are finally starting to look up for the family.
There's a knock on the door and Jax looks at the clock. He knows this is the nurse and he hasn't had time to tell Tara. "Tara I was so bent on giving you this deed I forgot to tell you I hired a daily nurse to come check on you. I don't trust myself to make good judgements about your health."
Tara's too happy to care if it's a twenty-four hour nurse or a two hour nurse. "Okay." That's all Tara says on the matter and Jax smiles.
Jax gets up and answers the door. The nurse comes in and introduces herself. Tara knows her already; she's one of the nurses that works at the hospital, Mary. Mary doesn't stay long-she checks Tara's medication, checks her vitals, asks a few questions and she's gone. Tara can live with this.
After the nurse leaves Jax takes Tara back into the bedroom to lie down. They both want to try to get a nap in before it's time to leave for the clubhouse. They're both asleep shortly after they hit the bed; they haven't slept in their home for a week. Tara's curled up next to Jax and he has his arms wrapped around her. Tara's head is lying on his chest listening to his soothing heartbeat. With each thump of his heart Tara starts to mend. Jax wakes up first and looks around groggily. He's not familiar with his surroundings but then he realizes they're home in the guest bedroom. Jax slides out of bed to go into the kitchen and fix them something to eat before they leave for the clubhouse. Well, he warms up a meal Bobby came and cooked and left for them.
Tara wakes to the smell of food and realizes just how hungry she is. She was too excited to eat breakfast this morning; she just wanted to get out of the hospital and go home. Tara figures Bobby has been here because she knows Jax can't cook anything like this smells. Jax pops his head in the door and sees Tara's awake. "You hungry?"
"I'm starving and it smells so good. Better than hospital food that's for sure."
"Where do you want to eat?"
"At the table." Jax helps Tara up and they make their way to the kitchen table. After they finish eating Jax takes Tara back to the bedroom to start getting ready for the wake. They take a shower together and Jax can't remember if they have ever taken a shower together and not had sex. But he can't chance her falling and they both need a shower. Jax and Tara are suddenly filled with dread after they're dressed and ready to go. They don't want to do this and Jax promises Tara she'll only be there two hours tops then he's bringing her back home. Tara slowly nods at the deal. She thinks she can handle that. They get in the car and head to the clubhouse. They use chitchat as a way to distract themselves but both find they're still in decent moods from earlier.
Tara's mood starts to change the closer they get to the clubhouse. She starts to become tense. The dread is returning as Tara arrives at the clubhouse for her son's wake. Tara tries to close her eyes and pretend she's anywhere else in the world but here. She doesn't want to open the car door and get out, and wonders if she has enough physical strength to grab the keys from Jax and lock herself in the car. Then Jax can't get to her and make her go in. Tara knows she's being unfair to Jax. Of course Jax isn't making her do this. All Tara has to do is tell Jax she doesn't want to be here and he'll take her home. Tara knows Jax won't make her do anything she doesn't want to do, He isn't her enemy, no, he's her partner, her lover, her husband and he won't make her do this. Jax has to do this and she knows that. It's Jax's responsibility to be here and even though it's his own child's wake the club still looks to him for direction and strength because it's affected them all. Jax also has to do this because his "people" are here to show their support. Tara doesn't need this; she just wants her husband and children. She could care less about the visiting SOA charters milling around the parking lot.
Before she has time to put her plan in motion her door opens and Juice is standing there offering an arm of support. Taking a deep breath Tara closes her eyes then opens them. She looks Juice in the eye as he tells her it's alright, he has her. Juice helps Tara out of the car, hugs her, and tells her he loves her. Tara barely hears him as she tracks Jax's movements over the car's roof. Jax is being engulfed in hugs from various brothers but she still finds him looking at her. Their eyes are locked on each other and they're feeling the same emptiness and loneliness they've felt since their son died.
Tara lets Juice lead her towards the business offices for which she is grateful. She isn't ready to face all of these well-wishing strangers. Jax and the guys have kept her sheltered from people at the hospital with only Margaret, her doctors and a few of her colleagues from The Center being allowed to see her. They're trying to protect her from any more pain. They can't stand seeing her hurt-she has been hurt too much already in the name of the club. They can't stand to see her tears and they all feel a pang of guilt when they see Tara but they're no more responsible for her hurt than she is.
Juice leads her back to Jax's office and leaves to go get Tara something to drink while she sits there waiting for Jax. Chibs comes in to check in on her to make sure she's okay then he goes out and greets his fellow brothers. Jax finally gets away and makes his way to his office and his wife. He finds her sitting there on the couch staring blankly. Tara is staring straight ahead, not moving, just sitting there as though she's numb. Whatever happiness she had at leaving the hospital is gone. The brothers brought a wheelchair to the clubhouse but Tara refuses to sit in it. Jax Teller's old lady won't show any signs of weakness. Tara can't let them know how bad she hurts so she puts on her brave face and looks up at Jax and nods. Jax breaths deeply. He doesn't want his wife to go out there and be subjected to this crowd. Not as hurt as she is now.
Jax had security tightened around the clubhouse tonight knowing something like this with other charters in would bring Gemma out of hiding if she thought for one moment in that fucked up head of hers she could come in and take over. Jax is hoping she does try. He wants her caught so his family will be safe again. What's worse is Jax doesn't know if Gemma has any inside help that could be out there now. They have their suspicions someone helped her with the information on the flowers they don't know if it was a member or just someone close to the club but it wouldn't surprise Jax if she did have help on the inside.
Jax takes Tara's arm and helps her off the couch. He kisses her on her forehead. "I love you, Tara. Let's go get this over with so we can go home and be by ourselves." They walk into the clubhouse and over to the area where they have chairs set up for Jax and Tara to side with an extra chair on each side of them.
The well-wishers begin flowing through offering their condolences. Tara has a smile plastered on her face like a good old lady and tries to receive these strangers' hug of support as graciously as she can. Tara is just allowing herself to breathe a little when out of the blue some old lady approaches Tara and says, "Isn't it a shame you just didn't have a miscarriage earlier to save you all this trouble and pain?" Tara is absolutely stunned, she's appalled and if she were strong enough she would be about to kick the stranger's ass.
Jax feels himself fly into a rage over the woman's stupidity. He had been listening to Tara's interactions all night to make sure she wasn't overloaded with shit like this. It isn't like this was their fault, like something had been wrong with the baby before he was born. Their baby had been perfectly healthy, and even if he hadn't been, he would still have been their child and loved by them. Jax has listened all night to these women tell Tara shit like that. It is nature's way, god needed another angel, it wasn't meant to be, you are young you can still have more, no shit but they don't want more, they want this baby, they want their son these fucking women were on his last nerve and now this. Before anyone realizes it Jax is on his feet in a rage. Sitting on the other side of Tara Fiona quickly stood up and led the unsuspecting woman away before Jax could get his hands on her. He doesn't know who this woman is and he hopes that he doesn't find out because honestly he doesn't know what he would do to her if he was to see her again. Jax was shaking he was so pissed at the audacity of this woman. He looks down at Tara and she's still in shock. Then Tara slowly looks up at Jax with misty eyes. Jax sits down and takes Tara in his arms. Tara whispers against is chest, "How can someone be so cruel?" All Jax can do is shake his head because he doesn't have any idea how anyone can be so coldhearted.
Unfortunately Jax still needs to vent his anger and two crow eaters fall within range. He looks up from his embrace with Tara to see only Carrie. Tara sees the look on Jax's face and follows his eyes. She sees Carrie and knows Jax is going release hell on her. Tara tries to stop him but she can't, he's gone, and then Chibs is sitting next to her. She sees Jax walk back in and there are no more crow eaters in sight so she figures Jax ran them off. She watches Jax go to the bar and get a drink. He looks at her questioningly as he holds the shot glass up and she shakes her head knowing he wouldn't give her one anyway. People keep coming by giving their condolences, Tara just nods and smiles. Tara doesn't really give a fuck if they're here or not. She doesn't know these people and doubts if Jax knows all of them either.
Everyone mills around talking, catching up with old friends and meeting new ones. All Tara wants to do is find a deep dark hole somewhere and climb in it and get away from all of these people. Through it all Tara watches Jax and notices he's different somehow. She can't say what but something's different. The way he carries himself, he stands taller with more confidence. The way he's speaks to people, the way he cares for her and the boys, it's just different. She can't point it out but it's not the same. She watches him converse with business associates. It's not quite arrogance, but there is definitely a change.
Chibs pulls Tara out of her thoughts. "Are you okay, luv"?
Giving him a weak smile, "Oh... yeah, I'm fine."
"You seem a little distant. You know it is alright not to be in the mood to be here. Do you want me to take you up to the apartment? I'll tell Jax where you are and I'll just tell everyone else you needed to lie down and rest."
Tara looks up at Chibs with his half smile looking down on her. What would she do without this man? He's Jax's mentor and her guide. He is also the voice of reason and a source of wisdom. "I will in a little bit. I don't want Jax worrying about me right now; he has enough on his plate."
"Tara, Jax is going to worry about you whether you're sitting here or lying down upstairs. Don't overdo it, luv. You've been through a lot in the past week and you need to get some rest."
"Jax has been through the same thing I have, I have to be strong for him."
"Tara, Jax has not been thorough the same thing. You've been through hell physically and you're not healed all the way. You need to rest."
Jax sees Chibs talking to Tara and he can tell from Chibs' face he's trying to get Tara to do something and she's being stubborn. So Jax walks over and puts his arm on her shoulder and bends down to kiss her. "Are you trying to take my girl away?"
"No, I'm trying to get her to go lie down but she's being stubborn and insists on staying down here with you." Tara looks at Chibs like he is a traitor. After seeing that Jax has control of the situation Chibs heads to the bar.
"Babe, why don't we go upstairs for a little bit and you can put your feet up and rest for a while?"
"We can't Jax. This place is full of people paying their respects to our son; we can't just leave them."
"Tara they understand what we've been through. They don't care if we need a few minutes to ourselves, so let's go."
Fear is written all over Tara's face as she begins to panic. "I can't Jax."
"Trust me, baby, it'll be alright. They won't even miss us."
Tara's in a state of full blown fear. "NO!" It takes every ounce of Tara's will to calm down and not make a scene. "Jax that isn't it."
Jax doesn't know what's wrong with but knows by Tara's outburst and the look on her face that she's frightened. Jax grabs Tara and holds her close to him. He doesn't like to see that look of terror written all over her face while her body trembles. "What is it, what's wrong?"
Tara speaks just above a whisper in his ear. "The stairs. I don't want to go up the stairs."
After a moment of understanding Jax responds with a kind and loving voice. "You know you don't have to use the stairs, right, babe? We have the elevator remember? But if you don't want to go up how about the couch in my office?"
"Okay I can do that. But you don't have to come with me. Stay out here with everyone and be with our guests." Tara's trying to be strong even though she really just wants to be somewhere private wrapped up in her husband's arms. She wants Jax to hold her tight and tell her everything is going to be alright.
"No I'm going with you and that's it, no room for discussion so come on." Jax throws his arm around Tara for support and gently guides her back to his office to lie down. When Jax gets her there safely he closes the door and locks it. He pulls her close and engulfs Tara in a hug. Jax didn't realize until now how badly he needs a hug too so he holds her tight against him. Placing a small kiss to Tara's head Jax looks down at her. He takes his hand and uses it to tilt her head back. Jax smiles and bends down to kiss Tara – easy, light little kisses, each one lasting longer and become harder than the previous one. Jax whispers against Tara's lips. "I need to be back here with you not just for you but for me too. I need your love and need to feel your arms around me. I need your lips to touch mine. I need to know you still love me. I need to know you will still be here for me tomorrow and thereafter. I love you Tara, you are my life."
Tara's the one this time to demand a kiss. Tara places pressure on the back of Jax's neck and pulls Jax's head down, kissing him and allowing his tongue entrance. They stand there latched on to each other until they lose track of time. "I love you Jax, I always will."
Jax carefully and gently places Tara down on the couch then he lies down beside her. Jax gathers her in his arms and rubs her arm up and down. Then he kisses Tara's forehead and places her head on his chest. They just lie there not saying anything. To be here with her lying in his arms is what matters, not the people out in the clubhouse. Jax is humbled by all the charters who came to pay their respects, he really is, but this right here is the reason they didn't want a big SAMCRO style blowout. They just aren't up to it physically or emotionally. The guys in the club have it handled out there everyone's in good hands. In here it's Jax responsibility to handle things. Jax strokes Tara's hair and his calming touch has her starting to fall asleep. Jax just watches her. He has been doing that a lot lately, just lying there watching Tara's face, watching her breath, just observing her and taking in all of her beauty. Once Tara falls asleep Jax settles in and dozes himself. It's been a long week and they're both are exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster they've been on. Jax and Tara have survived the only way they know how. Like they have since Tara was nine and her mother died and then they lost Thomas and then JT. By holding on tight to each other and putting their trust in one another. They only have to worry about each other right now; their boys won't see them for three days. It's decided they need this time together, just the two of them, to do what they are doing right now.
After their Jax stands up and holds his hand out to Tara. "Come on, let's go home." She looks up at him questioningly. "Yeah, let's get out of here and go home. I think we've both have had all of this we can stand." He leads her out the front doors of the offices and as they head to their car Happy walks up to them. Jaw tells him, "We're going home." Happy nods and turn and gets on his bike after calling Tig. Tig comes and flanks the car as well as they follow the young couple home. They aren't going to let their President and his old lady go anywhere unprotected.
Once Happy and Tig give the all-clear on the house they leave Tara and Jax inside. Jax settles Tara in the den and then goes and hits the refrigerator. "What do you want? A snack or a meal?"
"I don't care, whatever you feel like. I just want some soda to wash this 'taste' out of my mouth."
Jax walks back in the den carrying a filled tray. He hands her the soda and opens his beer and they chug their drinks. They're thirsty and want to get the taste of tonight out of their mouth. Tara eyes the tray and starts digging around to see what's available. She wants she settles on some cheese and crackers and then finds some grapes too. Jax goes for the nachos and some kind of dip thing Bobby has made.
They both relax trying to get the thoughts of tonight out of their heads. Jax quits stuffing his mouth long enough to speak what's on his mind. "That woman tonight... I can't believe the nerve."
"Yeah, I know. I saw your reaction, I thought you were going to hit her."
"I fucking wanted to... who the hell did she think she was talking about our son like he shouldn't have been here?"
Tara turns to Jax and looks him in the eyes. "Baby sometimes people don't know what to say in this situation so they say stupid shit. You know, like when we were kids and lost our parents. We used to complain all the time about the shit people would say to us. Now we're adults who've lost a son and they still say stupid shit." Tara grits her teeth. "But that lady was fucking dumb to say she thought John should have never had the opportunity to live and we should have never had the opportunity to love him."
Jax wraps his arm around Tara's back and shoulders and pulls her tightly to his chest. He kisses her on the side of her head. "Yeah you're right." He goes back to eating and watching their movie from "On Demand."
Tara falls asleep during the movie and after a while Jax carries back to bed. He thought about just carrying her up to their room so they could sleep in their own bed but he decides against it. He doesn't want to push her, and he's too afraid of how traumatized Tara might be if she has to go down the stairs. Tara will have to work through her anguish and do this on her own. As they lie in bed Jax strokes her hair soothingly and is grateful tonight is finally over.