A/N: Thank you to my beta McIlwain for her continued support and always being there when my back is up against a wall.
This is rated MATURE for a reason; language and sex.
I always put this rating up but be warned there is sexual content in this chapter.
Two weeks have flown by and Tara and Jax have settled into a routine. Jax drives to the office a couple days of week for a couple of hours and uses his study to handle business matters the rest of the time. The club is at their house more than usual to help with security. The new house makes it possible for the club to have church in the basement and be left alone. And the brothers definitely don't frown at the amenities either, especially the pool where they play with all the kids. Tara welcomes the company while she recuperates. Usually she's out in the sunroom relaxing or in the kitchen with Bobby. When they built the house Jax and Tara knew they would have no say in the kitchen, so they had Bobby design the kitchen himself and designated him "house chef." He is the master chef for all the family meals, get-togethers and any other time he wants to cook."
Jax got up one day about a week after they were home. After his shower he tells Tara, "Hey I have some business I need to go handle and I'll be gone a couple of hours late this afternoon. Who do you want me to call to come stay with you?"
"The boys and I will be fine by ourselves Jax. I'm a grown woman. I don't need a babysitter all the time. If you aren't here then I don't need anyone. I am used to it being just me and boys with no one else around that's our normal not the way it's been."
"I don't like to leave you by yourself now and it's not because I don't think you can handle it, I know you can. I just don't like leaving you and the boys alone for safety reasons. I want someone with you at all times.
"What is it you think that Fi or Lyla can do if trouble came up? They can't do anything."
"They can call for help."
"Please Jax."
"I'll post someone outside in the front and back. They won't come in but they'll be here if you need them. I trust you will get them if something is wrong or if you need something." Jax wasn't happy with this plan; he didn't want his family to be alone. Fortunately, he doesn't plan on being gone long but this is something he just has to do.
Tara is happy to be at home alone because for the past few days she's felt like she's going to climb the walls. There is always someone there and she can't ever get any alone time. She loves her family and loves to have them over but she needs some Tara time. Tara just wants to be able to breathe and be alone with her boys.
The three hours Jax is gone just slips by. Tara played with the boys: they laughed, giggled and loved on each other and this is what she needed. This is what she was used to: just her and the boys. Jax was never home before; it was always just the three of them.
Tara has just gotten Phil to come in and put the boys to bed before Jax got home. She gives Jax a smile as soon as he enters the door. She immediately sees the bandage on his arm and flies over to him.
"What happened?"
"Nothing bad, I promise. I had to do something and today was the day I needed to do it." He hugs her and as she gets closer to the bandage she recognizes it. She had worn a similar one a long long time ago. Tara smiles at the memory while rubbing her lower back unconsciously. Jax watches her realizing she knows where he's been. He smiles as she looks up at him with knowing and puzzled eyes. Jax gives her a quick kiss. "You want to see it?" Tara nods. She couldn't wait to see it now. She slowly and carefully peels the bandage and there, staring at her, is Jax's memorial to their son etched into his skin. The tattoo is an armor shield with John's name and birth date.
Tara lightly barely touching his skin traced the outline of the shield and then her son's name inside it. She smiles as she looks up at Jax tears brimming in her eyes, "You designed this didn't you? What type of armor is it?"
"His own; I designed it for him. I studied the types that were used by different armies and then I just sat down and started drawing. Do you like it?"
"It's beautiful Jax." That is all she can say, it's all she needs to say.
"That's not all I got." Jax holds out his left wrist. Tara slowly and carefully removed the bandage and gasped when she saw the inside of Jax's wrist, at his pulse point he has tattooed 'Tara.' Below that the date 'October 3, 1998' and then below that 'January 10, 2013.'
"The day I got your crow and the day we got married."
"So you know with every beat of my heart I love you and these dates are the most important ones of my life. Then there's the other one."
"Another one, where?"
Jax holds out his left hand; he has a small bandage around his ring finger where his wedding ring should go. Tara slowly takes it off and can't hide her huge smile as she looks up at Jax with tears in her eyes. "I can't believe it." Tattooed wrapping around his ring finger is 'Tara forever.'
"Why? I have the rest of my family on my body, the people I love most. Why does this surprise you?"
"Because we've been together forever and all of a sudden you jump up and do it."
"I should have done it sooner. When you got my crow that marked you as mine, I should have done it then. I should have been marked as yours, shown you that I belonged to you also."
Tara knows what Jax's thinking, if he had her mark on him then she would see and know he was devoted to her and she was his world. Then she wouldn't have doubted his love for her or her place in his life and she never would have left. Tara isn't going to get into that conversation now she doesn't want to take away from this special moment.
"You're still going to wear your wedding ring aren't you?"
"Well not John's and I don't want you wearing Gemma's either."
Tara's head snapped up. "What do you mean? You don't want us to wear wedding rings?" Tara almost yelled.
Jax calmly answered. "No that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying I don't want us wearing any tainted wedding bands. Those bands represent a failed marriage and have blood all over them."
"Then what do we use?"
Jax reaches into his pocket and pulls out a little velvet box and gets down on one knee. Tara looks at him with surprise and eagerness. He opens the box and inside are two brand new wedding bands. Jax's ring is a wide, yellow gold band that almost looks like his previous one. Tara's ring is white gold with five small diamonds attached. "So it will match your engagement ring." Tara smiled from where she was sitting and wrapped her arms around Jax's neck and pulled him in for a kiss. The kiss was sweet and tender. Jax stood up and pulled her with him. Tara smiled hugging Jax laying her head on his chest listening to his heart-the heart she owns. Jax smiles down on Tara with her head lying on Abel's tattoo, he wraps his left arm around her bearing both Thomas' and Tara's name then wraps his right arm bearing John's name around her. Jax holds Tara close to him with their whole family encircling her in his arms.
"Thank you Jax. It's all so beautiful. I love you."
Bending his head he kissed her a soft gentle meaningful kiss. "I love you too babe." Jax picked Tara up and carried her to the guest bedroom kicking the door shut with his foot and then locking it. Keeping the outside world away as he kisses her while gently setting her down on the bed and then shedding his clothes and crawling in bed with her. Locked away in the privacy of the bedroom Jax slides Tara's new wedding band on her finger professing his love to her. They would have to wait a few days before they can put Jax's ring on his finger but that's fine he has her name there forever. They cuddled and shared their private moments as husband and wife. Tara slept for the first time since the attack peacefully with her family wrapped around her holding her tightly to the heart that only beats for her.
A couple of days later Jax grabbed a shovel and loaded Abel and Thomas in the car. They headed to the plant nursery to pick up the young oak tree Jax had purchased to plant in the meadow where they're going to bury John's ashes. It was a Teller men outing only. They got the tree planted and set up a simple slow watering irrigation system where they only need to add water to it once week using the water from the river. Abel and Thomas enjoyed their day and Jax could tell they enjoyed being able to do something for their brother or something they could take part in.
It has been almost three weeks since the attack and John's burial will be in four days. Tara and Fi sit at the kitchen table drinking coffee and tea while sampling a muffin recipe that Bobby's says is full of "organic" ingredients. Abel and Thomas, along with Piper, Kenny, Ellie and Kerrianne, are playing in the pool with Phil, Rat, Juice and his girl Maxine. Jax is away with Happy, Tig and Chibs on a two day business trip. The rest of the brothers are hanging close to Tara for support. Tara asks Fi, "Have you heard anything from Chibs?"
"Yes, he called last night said the trip down was wet but without incident. They arrived, dried off, went and got something to eat down in the hotel bar and then came back up and crashed. Said today would be packed with back to back meetings and then tonight dinner with these 'investors.' Haven't you heard from Jax?" Fi knows there's no way Jax hasn't called Tara three times today.
"Yeah, he called last night when they got there, then again after they ate, then when he got up this morning, then right before his first meeting. He called after lunch, then again after his next meeting, but he hasn't called in the last two hours so at any moment he should be calling." Bobby and Fi look at Tara trying to gage her reaction to her comments. When she laughs lightly and shakes her head Bobby and Fi join her. "I know he's worried about me but it isn't like I'm alone and something can happen to me."
Bobby speaks up. "Maybe HE needs to hear your voice for himself as much as you."
Tara gives Bobby a thoughtful look; she never thought about it that way. "I guess you're right Bobby I hadn't thought of it that way," she said while sipping her coffee and eating a 'special muffin.'
Fi asked her, "Have you thought any about going back to work or what you might want to do?"
Sighing deeply, "I don't know, Jax and I have talked about it and right now I don't know what I want to do. It's still early and I haven't been cleared to work. It'll probably be another six to eight weeks before that happens. We've stopped in at The Center to see what progress is happening there. Jax handed the reins over to Margaret after the attack, umm...accident. Other than stopping in at The Nest and Leather & Lace a few times that's all I've really done. It's just been me and my three men and that's been really nice. Then the guys being here because Jax won't leave has been nice too. The brothers are different when they're here instead of the club because everyone seems more relaxed. Of course Abel and Thomas love when Kenny, Piper and the prospects take them camping all night... in the back yard," Tara laughs. "You know I appreciate you coming and staying here babysitting me while they're gone."
Bobby beat Fi in saying, "Tara we aren't babysitting you. We're hanging out having a good time and chances are we would be here sooner or later anyway. You have to know by now that we love your new house. We even have designated places to sleep. This is better than the clubhouse, and I never, ever thought I would say there was anyplace better. Well at least when we're with family, this is the new family hangout so you might as well get use to us being here all the time. We're getting too old to keep up our old ways so we're slowing down. You're going to regret ever building this house and moving from your little one."
"Yeah well... we thought we were going to need some additional room."
The undeniable sound of Thomas Teller squealing has Tara turning and looking out the window to see her baby running around in the fenced in play area trying to get away from Rat. She can't help but smile at her baby, the youngest baby she has. She turns to watch Abel, her older baby, learn how to swim from Phil. These are her babies and will always be her babies no matter how old they are and she loves them dearly. It's because of them and Jax's love that she can get up out of bed every day and continue on with life. Soon Thomas is carried into the kitchen by Rat all wrapped up in a towel. He asks Tara, "Where do you want him?"
"Oh... take him upstairs for me and I'll be right behind you." Tara walks over to the door and calls Abel to come in and dry off and change so they can eat. Abel gets out of the pool and as Maxine dries him off Tara follows Rat and Thomas towards the stairs. When they get to the staircase Tara hesitates and stands at the bottom step and looks up. Rat is almost at the top while her mind flashes back to that night, that awful night. Tara doesn't want to think about it she doesn't ever want to think about it again. She still hasn't remembered it all and as far as she knows no one other than herself and her attacker knows what happened. Her attention goes back to the steps, fourteen of them. Yes she has counted them every day, every day, every single step, to the point of it being a compulsion now. When she feels a hand on her back she jumps and gasps.
"I am sorry Tara I didn't mean to scare you I just thought you might need help," Phil says sheepishly.
"It's alright, Phil. I was thinking and you scared me, that's all. Sure I can use a hand." Phil offers Tara his arm and she holds on tight carefully taking one step at a time, feeling something heal within her each step. Tara almost makes it to the top of the stairs but then stops abruptly. Phil turns to look at Tara and notices she's almost white. As Tara gets closer to the top of the stairs she freezes, she can't go any farther. Phil understands, he lets go of her hand and moves behind her back in order to encourage her to continue. When she finally gets to the top she grabs a hold of his arm and turns around and looks down, "oh shit" she never thought about going back down that's going to be harder than coming up. Then Abel comes flying up the stairs and hugs her legs. He looks up at her smiling, knowing what his mother just did was big, real big because Daddy has been tucking them in every night after Mommy reads them their bedtime story downstairs. He pulls on her shirt which is the signal that he wants a kiss but this time he kisses her and she giggles which makes him giggle happily before he runs into his room. Tara turns to Phil. "You'll wait for me won't you?"
"I am always here for you Tara." And he has been ever since Jax went to prison Phil has been by her side. Tara understands how it is, she has been where he is and she has made a family for herself and he knows when the time is right he can too. He will always be there for Tara as she has for him.
Tara goes to the boy's room and takes their wet stuff off and gets some dry clothes on them. She tells them to go downstairs because Bobby might need some help - he's going to cook on the grill. Rat follows them down making sure Thomas doesn't get hurt by sliding down the stairs on his butt. Tara heads to the upstairs laundry room without giving it another thought until she notices she is in her bedroom. Just being in her bedroom brings a peace over her. She decides when Jax comes back they're going to make the decision to move back upstairs to their bed. She continues on and decides just to put the boy's wet stuff out on the balcony off the master suite. It feels so good to be back in her space. She feels like she knows who she is again, the familiar feeling of self.
Later on Phil helps her down the steps just like they went up, one step at a time, except this time he's standing in front of her with her hands on his shoulders so she won't fall.
Tara doesn't realize while she's upstairs that Jax called Fi to check on his wife and make sure she's doing alright. He also had to break the news they're going to have to stay another night. Lord knows he doesn't want to but as much as he doesn't want to he doesn't want to have to come back. Jax wants to make sure that someone stays with Tara tonight and Fi assures him that someone will be with her at all times and everything else is normal, as normal as it can be with guards at the front gate, back gate and even the hidden gates. Jax tells Fi to have security doubled and to only trust SAMCRO, his true brothers. He can never be too careful anymore because anyone can work for the enemy.
The next two days go by without incident. Bobby has been staying with the girls at the house and truth be known he would move in if Jax would let him. Together they are planning for the celebration of John's life. Everything has been taken care of: the food, tent, table cloths, chairs, the grills. Bobby has been so meticulous about the food planning the girls think Bobby should go into catering. The ceremony has also been planned right down to the shovel that will be used for their son's final resting place.
Jax gets back late in the afternoon and he has never been so glad to get home. This is the longest he has been on his bike for months; it has worn him out and he hurts all over. But when his boys yell Daddy - well the one that can talk yells and the other one that squeals runs – all is well as they fall into his open arms. This is home and this is where he belongs. Jax looks for Tara and sees her resting in the sunroom reading a magazine. He sets his boys down and moves towards the lounger. He takes Tara in his arms and holds her tight. He needs this; he has missed Tara so much he needs to hold her. He whispers in her ear, "I missed you so much babe." He draws back and kisses his wife, his old lady, thoroughly and properly.
Later that evening after Jax puts the boys to bed he's ready to crash. The family has a big day tomorrow – it's the final step in paying homage to their infant son and he wants to be well-rested. Jax sits down on the couch where Tara's watching TV or at least she was watching TV but now she is watching Jax. "You about ready for bed babe? I'm beat, I haven't been on the open road for so long I don't know what I would do if I had to take a long ride. I'm getting too old for this."
"You're getting soft Teller. Come on old man let's go to bed."
Jax playfully slaps Tara's ass when she gets up. "Just wait until we get the green light and I'll show you old man."
Tara giggles. Jax takes her hand and heads for the guest room but Tara stops at the stairs and pulls his hand. He looks at her questionably. She nods. "Are you sure babe?"
"Yeah, I'm sure. I've been practicing with Phil. I still need help and going down isn't as easy but with help I can do it."
Jax isn't sure if he likes this, for some reason he's jealous. Jealous that he wasn't the one helping her get over the fear of the stairs. Jax hates he wasn't here for her, for that. "Okay, if you say so let's go." He holds his arm out for Tara and watches her as they start up the steps, one at a time, slowly. He can see she's still having a hard time overcoming her fear, and that this is still new for her. They slowly make it to the top of the upstairs. Jax will be the first to say it feels great to be back in their bedroom and close to the boys. The thought of him and his wife sharing their own bed again after three weeks thrills him.
Jax walks down the hall to check on the boys and kiss them good night as Tara gets ready for bed. Tara's standing at the edge of the bed when Jax walks into the bedroom. Jax smirks when Tara opens her arms for a good night kiss and is startled when Tara gives him a kiss that curls his toes. With desire and hunger in her eyes that Jax hasn't seen in months Tara slowly, seductively starts taking his cut off. Jax thinks to himself. It must be a long time since we've had sex because this is hot as hell. We haven't even done anything so how can this be so hot? I don't know but it sure as hell is.
"Tara what are you doing?" Tara begins sucking on Jax's neck while she throws his cut on the floor, not kissing but sucking, and then runs her tongue down Jax's throat. Jax doesn't think he can take it when she starts nibbling on his ear lobe ever so lightly. Jax can't switch his emotions on and off and it'll be another six weeks at least before they can do anything. Jax knows he can't afford getting too worked up or he'll be in the shower taking matters in his own hands everyday. "But Tara..."
Tara whispers, "Shut up Jax," before licking the base of his neck where it meets with his collarbone then sucking hard to leave her mark.
"Damn, Tara that feels so fucking good." Then she pushes Jax down on the bed. Jax looks up in confusion as she slowly starts unbuttoning her shirt and that's when Jax notices. She's wearing one of my white dress shirts oh God this is sexy. Jax sits there looking bewildered at his wife. Has she lost her goddamn mind in the three days I've been gone. Well could be possible because I think I could have lost mine I missed her so much. They've been inseparable since the baby died and he's gotten used to being with her and the boys. Jax has learned that he loves being with them, and he has enjoyed connecting with the boys and being there with Tara. His time at home has strengthened their bond as a family.
Jax stops his mind chat and turns his attention back to the matter at hand. He thinks he sees some black lace under one of those buttons. His dick is definitely hard if it wasn't before it is now. His cock is trying to work its way out of his pants all on its own. Jax swears his dick is rooting around trying to find an opening to escape out of and one to escape into. Jax reaches out to touch Tara and she slaps his hand away. What the fuck, is she doing?
Tara doesn't say a word as she keeps on going until her shirt is completely unbuttoned. Tara keeps the shirt on but makes sure Jax can see the little black lacy bra that just barely covers her nipples. Tara's tits are staring Jax in the face and he wants to reach and grab them or just one he's not picky. When Tara starts on his pants Jax can't help trying to give his wife assistance as she undoes the first button but stops when she tightly wraps her hand around his wrist and roughly pulls his arm off away. "I will tell you when you can touch me."
She has lost her fucking mind. She leans over him with her tits right in my face, she is trying to kill me honestly kill me, what have I done I have behaved more than behaved I didn't even go to the strip clubs with the guys I only went down to the hotel bar twice and didn't talk to the girls that came around. Her tits are almost close enough for me to lick them, I'm seriously thinking about it because the head that's starting to take over my thinking for me is winning. Tara suddenly rips Jax's shirt off. Jax looks at her like "what the fuck?" Then he sees it, sees it in her eyes: that look, the look he's only seen twice in his life and here it is again. Jax grins. A grin as big as a six-year-old on Christmas morning walking in and seeing Santa has left him the brand new shiny red Huffy bike he wanted. Tara finishes taking off her pants and Jax sees the pretty little bra comes with matching panties I am in heaven... fucking heaven. Tara orders Jax to stand up and take his pants off which he does immediately. Tara then tells Jax to get on the bed and scoot up and again he obeys.
Jax is confused at Tara's advances because she hasn't shown any sort of self-confidence since the baby died. There've been times Tara would just crumble to the floor and he has to help her up but so far tonight there hasn't been a single episode. His Tara is back! She climbs up on the bed like a cat stalking its prey, and Jax swallows hard because he knows whatever it is she's going to do he'll like, he more than likely love it, but that still doesn't mean he isn't scared.
Tara crawls up Jax's leg and stops over his cock. Jax is lying back waiting for her to grab his hard cock or start running her tongue up and down the length of it. Just thinking about it causes a sensation to move through the lower half of Jax's body. Jax relaxes his hips as Tara spreads his legs a part a little. Suddenly Tara takes his balls in her mouth and Jax gasps, Shit, oh shit, damn, oh shit. He wasn't expecting that and then he relaxes again. Damn, it feels good. He feels his whole body relax. She starts licking his hard dick around the head, swirling her tongue around it to wipe away all the pre-cum. Jax can only lie there flat on his back because he is so incredibly relaxed. The last three days on the road are disappearing. The she takes her tongue and runs it up and down his shaft. As he enjoys her licking his dick like her favorite popsicle she engulfs him with her mouth and he can only moan I'm in heaven. Tara's hot mouth feels so good on him. Tara sucks for a while and then takes her hand and starts stroking him. Her mouth moves back to his balls, gently sucking on them, and he sucks in a sharp intake of air. "FUCK baby." Tara keeps on until he starts thrusting in her hand she turns her attention back to his throbbing cock in her hand and starts sucking him hard down her throat, that's what he loves about his girl she can suck his dick all of it. Her head is bobbing and he can feel the back of her throat as his dick goes down her throat and he can't stand it this is it. Jax thrusts his hips and she feels his dick swelling in her throat. Tara squeezes her throat muscles around the head of his dick and he loses it. "SHIT!" Jax begins to cum down her throat while his hips thrust, her head bobs and her throat muscles close around him. This is the best blow job ever. His body jerks as she makes sure that she gets all of his cum. He groans - he can't move or think, so he just lies there doing nothing, feeling nothing, thinking about nothing. Tara makes her way up to him and kisses him deeply letting him taste himself in her mouth. Tara then lies down beside him. She has accomplished what she wanted. She wanted to relieve the pressure he's been carrying. She wanted to show him how much she loves him, and how much she appreciates all that he has done for her. She can never repay him for all he has done and she knows he doesn't want her to. She just wanted to show her husband that she's here for him too. Tara crawls into his side and lays her head on his chest like they have done since they were sixteen. She wears the same smile on her face that he wears on his face at this moment. Everything is perfect: they are back in their marital bed where they belong and the healing has begun.