HAYMITCH's POV
A week passed and Leila's visits to Peeta became more recurrent. The shrink had authorized these visits only because Peeta seemed more willing to talk about his time in the capitol, and also because he was adamant that Leila should be under medical surveillance, and this was one way to keep an eye on her. As a good "friend" of hers, I didn't hesitate to warn her about the doctor's ulterior motives, she only asked me if I thought it was good for Peeta, at my affirmative she sighed resignedly and agreed to continue visiting him under those conditions.
For the first few days their conversations didn't touch on any difficult topics, they were based only on cooking, recipes and advice for Leila. Their interaction seemed more like a boring baking class than anything else. After 3 consecutive failures on Leila's part making bread, she resigned herself to stop trying. She told Peeta that she wasn't good at learning without seeing, so she was going to wait until he had permission to leave the room so he could personally teach her in the kitchens. I honestly hoped Peeta would be able to leave this place soon but at the look on the doctor's face I knew that wasn't going to be possible.
"Haymitch!" I heard Leila's voice calling me "finally I found you."
"oh dear, don't tell me, you already missed me"
"don't be silly" she laughed "I need you to do something for me"
"you always look for me for a favor" I sighed exaggeratedly
"No, I don't!" she pouted "I'd better do it myself" she turned to leave but I caught her hand before she could walk away
"Come on, don't be touchy, what do you want? " I said amused and she pouted one last time and spoke to me again.
"painting material."
"I didn't know you were interested in art."
"I don't like it, and it's not for me, it's for Peeta. Look, the other day I heard Johanna say something about it so I thought it would be a good idea to do something different. Besides, I won't be able to join him for lunch today because one of the kitchen helpers is sick and they need people there. So I'll stop by to visit Peeta in the afternoon, what do you think?"
"It might be a good idea, maybe he'll like it too. I'll get what you need for this afternoon then."
"thanks Haymitch" she leaned towards me and gave me a quick peck on the lips before turning to leave "see you this afternoon!"
These were the kind of actions that left me confused. On one hand I wanted Leila to stop and on the other hand, I wanted more of her. I shook those thoughts out of my head and focused on my next mission.
Once I got everything that Peeta and Leila would possibly need, I went to the annex of his room to wait for her. The shrink and his companions arrived a few minutes later and examined all the material, some of the guards had their doubts about this idea, they considered that Peeta could use them as weapons and hurt Leila. For my part I was calm, I was sure it was unlikely that this would happen and Leila knew very well how to defend herself in a fight. Half an hour passed before she arrived, ignoring us all (as she always used to do) she took all the material and entered Peeta's room greeting him animatedly. Once she showed him everything she had brought and told him how much fun they were going to have, she untied Peeta and helped him off the stretcher. Leila, as was usual for her, organized all the material in the way that seemed right to her. Peeta just looked at her with a raised eyebrow and silently denied without saying a word to what she was doing.
"When everything in your life is chaos you don't miss the simplest opportunity to get control of things" I heard the doctor mutter his thoughts about Leila out loud. That was his explanation for her strange behavior. To me it was bullshit, Leila just liked order, there was nothing strange about that.
The tension in the annex was palpable, everyone had held their breath waiting for some aggressive move by Peeta, to intervene. However, Peeta seemed to have forgotten even Leila's presence in the room, he was running his fingers through the different brushes and paints observing them with great concentration. Minutes passed until they both settled down and each one began to freely paint a canvas. In what seemed like an eternity no one spoke, Peeta still had that strange expression of concentration on his face and Leila, well, she didn't look comfortable at all. I don't know what she was painting because from what I could see, her painting had no shape at all, the worst thing was to see her disgusted face every time she accidentally smeared paint on herself.
"How do you do it?" Peeta broke the silence
"I don't know, I combine these two colors" Leila replied with a shrug.
"I don't mean the paints, how do you keep the capitol from beating you" Leila pondered her answer for a few seconds before replying to Peeta.
"I think about the beauty of life. All those things and moments that are worth fighting for."
"I can't think of anything beautiful that's worth fighting for."
"I don't think that's true Peeta. I bet if you try to remember, you'll find something to hold on to" Peeta was silent for a few minutes.
"What do you think of?"
"Milly's sweet laughter, the yellow flowers that bloom every spring in my district, Snowball " Leila let out a childish giggle "well the list can go on and on but I won't bore you"
"You don't bore me. What kind of yellow flowers were in your district?"
"I don't know. I don't know if you remember but in district 8, we didn't have much nature around us, almost everything was industries and concrete so it was strange to see flowers. On my way to school I would always pass through the least favored part of the district".
"like the Seam in district 12?"
"Yeah, and there was a shack where an old man lived, he had some pots with herbs and flowers. When I was 5 years old was the first time he gave me a bunch of flowers, I don't know why he did it but he was always kind to me. One day that summer I told him that of all the flowers he had given me, the yellow ones were my favorite. From then on, every early spring he would give me all the yellow flowers in his garden. I used to put them in my window and no matter what time or what happened, it was as if the sun was always shining in my window and I knew that everything would be fine." Out of the corner of my eye I watched the doctor feasting on his notebook writing down what Leila had said, and I sighed in frustration, this was a personal story not entertainment for anyone.
"Can you paint them?" She giggled.
"Peeta, I can barely make a couple of strokes on this canvas, it's impossible for me to paint a flower" Peeta looked at her in frustration.
"Then describe them! I'm trying to imagine why those flowers were beautiful and not others" she kept calm.
"They were, perhaps, simple flowers, they always looked like a bud as if they were keeping a secret and when they finally opened they didn't open completely like a rose or a sunflower, they always seemed to protect something" Leila described the flowers to Peeta and at the same time she was showing him what she was referring to with her hands "the colors of each flower were not soft but the opposite, Kai used to say that they had garish colors but to me they looked beautiful. I have never seen that same flower anywhere in Panem."
" I imagine you would want to go back to your District to see the flowers."
"I would love to but they don't exist anymore. And as I told you, I have never seen a flower like that anywhere in Panem again."
" What do you mean they don't exist anymore? They didn't bloom again?"
" Not exactly, but President Snow thought they were tacky and tasteless flowers, so he ordered them to burn all the places where that flower grew so it would never bloom again" Peeta and Leila were silent for another few minutes, both lost in their own thoughts. How sad it was to hear that, why did Snow hate Leila so much if she used to obey him in everything?
"You talked about a snowball, who was it- Peeta resumed the conversation, the joy returned to her face."
"It was my dog"
"Let me guess, he was as white as snow and as small as a ball" Peeta said sarcastically and Leila laughed.
"Not at all, he was actually a medium sized dog of a strange color like mud, everyone said he was a horrible dog but for me he wasn't. I only named him that because in my house he was a dog. I only gave him that name because in my District it has never snowed due to Industries so I thought it was a very good idea to have at least one snowball" she finished her explanation still laughing.
"Tell me more about him".
"Well, I remember that I got it thanks to one of the people from the capitol who accompanied a victor on the victory tour, I don't know why he threw the dog into the street. As I saw that nobody had picked him up, I decided to keep it. Since then he was always with me, almost never left my side" she paused, still with a smile on her face "Snowball was the bravest dog I have ever known. No matter who was in front of him he always stood up to him even if he was much bigger than him. I remember one time I was walking when I passed a farmer and his goats. He was coming towards my house to sell some to my dad and one of them got loose from its tether and chased me, I was very scared but just when he was about to ram me, Snowball came out of the door running at full speed and confronted the goat to defend me, this one was three times bigger than him and yet he managed to scare it enough to leave me alone."
"I bet your dad bought the goat to sell in his butcher shop, too" he said.
"No, he didn't kill her, he decided to keep her to help him in my training because I was afraid of her. Anyway, we got along better with time" she shrugged her shoulders without giving it much importance and continued with whatever she was painting,"and you Peeta, can you think of something that makes you happy?
"No, I don't think I can."
"Come on Peeta, there has to be something that makes you smile, it doesn't have to be pretty or anything" Leila said mischievously. Peeta thought about it for a few seconds before answering her.
"Yes, there's something that could almost make me smile."
"What is it? Tell me about it".
"When they announced the third quarter quell " Leila's face lost its smile for a second before recomposing itself "I remember that I forced Katniss and Haymitch to train as a career tribute. Katniss was still recovering from a fracture and Haymitch could barely control his own tremors from withdrawal, yeah, I'm sure they both had a hard time and they deserved it"
"That must have been pretty hard on everyone" Leila groped Peeta's mood.
"It was a pretty pathetic sight actually. You know he sleeps with a knife?" Leila shook her head "You'd think he'd be able to get a good shot off but he couldn't hit the target even if it was just a couple of inches away from him" Leila's giggle made me blush up to my neck, I couldn't deny that I felt a little humiliated.
"Maybe wielding a knife is not part of his multiple talents" and I chuckled, yes, she was making fun of me, but no one else seemed to get the joke.
"I doubt he has any talents and to think I took his place in the games" Peeta replied bitterly. All traces of amusement disappeared from my body, he was right, I was the one who should have been in the arena, not him. Leila looked in "my direction" out of the corner of her eye with a frown, she was probably worried about Peeta's words.
"You don't want to see him, do you?"
"No, he's a traitor just like..." he fell silent and squeezed his eyes tightly shut.
"It's okay Peeta if you don't want to see him but it would be interesting to know why he betrayed you, don't you think? or you could just tell him everything you think about him without fear of hurting his feelings, you don't owe him anything anyway" I knew what Leila was trying to do, convince Peeta to talk to me, and I knew she was trying to get Peeta to tell me everything I had been waiting to hear for a long time to make me feel better. She knew that I would rather get hate straight from his mouth than be listening here behind a window. As if they were talking about any triviality of life Leila continued with her painting and so did Peeta. After a few minutes she turned to look at Peeta's painting and didn't disguise her impression "wow, it's beautiful Peeta, what kind of bird is it?"
"I'm not sure, I only have a vague memory of seeing it somewhere in my district."
"you're very good at…"Leila didn't continue her sentence because when she leaned over she accidentally spilled a bottle of paint on her hands "ugh, gross!" All this time the doctor hadn't stopped taking notes of every little interaction between the two of them, although he didn't comment out loud again.
"It's just paint Leila "to everyone's surprise it was Peeta who was keeping his cool
"I know, I just hate that slippery, sticky feeling on my hands. Sorry Peeta, this painting thing is not my thing."
"It's okay" he replied with a shrug "what were you painting anyway?"
"a landscape with nature and stuff, although well, it doesn't look like one, more like a horrible blob of colors."
"can I keep it?"
"Why? to remind you that life can be horrible" she said mockingly, and I could see a tiny hint of amusement in Peeta's features.
"I don't need a painting for that" he replied, returning to his new self.
"You can keep it if that's what you want, and I don't think it's a problem for you to keep everything else in case you want to distract yourself. I think, if it's okay with you, I'd rather continue with our theoretical bakery course, what do you think?" he nodded and Leila got up to leave.
"Leila" Peeta caught her attention again. "What did you mean the other day, when we talked about... killing Katniss? What did you mean, it didn't matter anymore?"
"They didn't tell you, did they?"
"What?"
"That since Katniss recovered from your attack, she asked to be sent to district 2."
"And what does that have to do with what you said?"
"that the guilt of what they did to you is killing her, and she preferred to be in the front line of the rebels, maybe with the objective of getting herself killed or who knows. When I told you that it didn't matter anymore is because Katniss shouldn't be a concern for you anymore, most probably if she doesn't die in this mission, she will get herself killed in the next one, it's the first time I've met someone who cares so little about her life, but I feel so sorry for her family, first they lose their father and now this. Poor Prim is barely 13 and has to deal with one more loss in her life. I've heard things though... well never mind" I was speechless and I wasn't the only one surprised in the room, not only Leila was exaggerating a bit with her speech, I knew she was trying to manipulate Peeta in some way.
"Tell me, what did you hear" Peeta asked and with a "sigh" of regret Leila continued to speak.
"No, I can't tell you Peeta. Telling you these things already makes me feel guilty, you've been through so many horrible things that I don't want to put more burdens on you. Besides if anyone finds out I'll get in trouble" what the hell was she talking about?
"I won't tell anyone. I'm calm and I can handle it" he said gritting his teeth, Leila looked at him doubtfully before continuing.
"Well, when we were rescued from the arena and Katniss realized that you weren't rescued she "freaked out" so to speak. She wasn't the same person, and everyone tried to help her but since no one knew if you were alive or not, well nothing comforted her. One day her mother... oh Peeta I think it's better to leave it at that".
"No, tell me! What happened to her" he demanded
"She tried to kill herself with an overdose of medication" Leila blurted out. I felt like I was going to faint, but where the hell was she coming up with such a crazy story. Peeta's expression was of pure confusion, I couldn't tell if he had realized the ruse Leila was pulling or not "her mother arrived in time, of course and kept the matter secret and Katniss was supposed to be better but well, since you first appeared on television with signs of torture, Katniss has done nothing but accept dangerous missions, everyone thinks it's because she's fighting for the cause but her mother and Prim know the truth. Little Prim, I feel so sorry for her. I've seen her crying in the corners of the hospital, absolutely devastated by her sister's fate, always asking the doctors if she can do anything to help you, and you know, that you remember her sister as she really is." she said with a final pained look and I had to admit that Leila was a good actress and with a lot of imagination.
"She's a mutt"said Peeta in an unconvinced whisper.
"I know Peeta. I know what she means to you, I would never force you to think otherwise, that's why I didn't want to tell you any of this."
"Prim, she's good, she shouldn't have to suffer for a mutt."
"I know, but she's her sister"
"Do you think Katniss is going to die?"
"I'm sure of it " Peeta's frown became more pronounced.
"Maybe I could talk to Prim and explain to her what Katniss really is" he said hesitantly.
"It's an option, though she'll try to convince you otherwise, you know? Maybe it's not Prim you should talk to, Peeta".
"With Katniss?" he asked, frightened with madness in his eyes.
"It's just an idea, Peeta. Don't be scared, she's not here." Leila took Peeta's hands and caressed them with her thumb trying to reassure him and with a conciliatory tone she continued "I just think it would be good for you to see the monster with your own eyes and not with the Capitol's. Remember my flowers? for them they were ordinary, not for me. You can see her with all the security between the two of you that makes you feel confident and you don't need to be nice, in fact I think if you took out all the venom you have inside it would make you both feel very good or you can just not talk to her, but I think you have to give yourself this chance to move forward Peeta. It's quite painful to see you confined in this room, you have committed no crime and yet you are in a prison. - the anguish was still present in Peeta- you don't have to decide today or tomorrow, just think about it, whatever decision you make, I will be the first one to support you, ok?" He only answered her with a nod, Leila got up from her seat, leaned down and placed a kiss on Peeta's forehead, in a very maternal gesture on her part, and with a last goodbye she left the room.
" Doctor, is it wise if we go in now and put the patient back in his bed?"
"No, leave him with his paints for now. If he starts having any of his mental breakdown, you can intervene."
"Leila, what a great idea you had" the shrink congratulated her.
"It wasn't my idea. It was Prim and Johanna's idea, so congratulate them, if you'll excuse me" No matter how hard the doctor tried, Leila was a tough nut to crack.
Peeta continued with his painting for another hour until he suddenly stopped and closing his eyes tightly he broke one of the brushes with his hand in two and that was the signal for the guards to enter the room and intervene before he had an even worse attack.
The rest of the afternoon I decided to go to the command room. I needed to know how Katniss was doing and give her news about Peeta. I omitted the lie that Leila had told Peeta about her, but I did tell her about Prim's idea for his treatment. Even though it was good news Katniss didn't seem to believe in Peeta's recovery. Things in District 2 were still tense and it seemed that our group and the capitol supporters were at an impasse. Around 8 o'clock, I headed to my room. I still had a couple of psychiatry books and another history book I wanted to read. When I entered the room Leila was already in bed with the new book I had given her yesterday and a big frown of worry and sadness adorned her face. I made my presence known in the room
" Everything is fine, Leila?" she was startled and changed her expression immediately to a more cheerful one.
"Yes, yes. How was your day?" she asked me, putting the book on the dresser.
"fine, don't you like the book" I sat down next to her.
"Yes, it's just different from the others, that's all" she replied, playing it down. I took the book and went back to read what it was about "Greek mythology", I had read something in the past about it, it was just fanciful tales of supposed gods. Maybe not enough cheesiness for the girl's total liking.
"If you don't like it, I can get you another one" I offered.
"No, it's okay, I want to finish it, so what else did you do today?" she asked me "innocently" I knew Leila was beating around the bush because she knew exactly what I was going to ask her.
"Nothing interesting and tell me what other lie are you going to tell Peeta next time?"
"Well, it's not a lie as such, Katniss was very bad, you said it yourself."
"I don't remember anything about suicide attempts"
"Yeah, Prim thought it best to spice up the story".
"And you let yourself be pushed around by a 13-year-old girl?"
"Was it really that bad?" That was the problem. I didn't know, Peeta seemed "appalled" but I couldn't say for sure, many times his words didn't match his actions.
"I don't know, we'll have to see, what's the next step of this "plan"?"
"I don't know, it wasn't really a plan, it was just an idea and well when Peeta started talking to me about Katniss I saw my chance" she said laughing nervously "are you mad?"
"No, but I don't like to be out of the plans, what if Peeta agreed to talk to Prim?" I didn't want to mention if he agreed to see me or Katniss, that would be a big breakthrough in itself.
"well if there is another plan I'll make sure you know about it and as for Prim, I don't know, maybe we can ask Katniss's prep team to do her makeup to give her a sadder look or something, you know to make the story believable, or even apply fake tears" she shrugged and I was left with my mouth open, for someone who said she didn't have a plan she seemed to have thought of everything.
"Although the plan was a little crazy, thanks for trying, I know it's not easy for you to be sharing your life with strangers either" she just shrugged and began to absentmindedly smooth out her pajamas. "It reminded me of the doctor's words "Leila?"
"hmm?"
"why do you hate smearing stuff on yourself so much? " I didn't know why but I suspected that the reason for that would not have a nice origin.
"Well, it's not nice to be dirty" again the evasive girl.
"You know that's not what I mean" she lowered her gaze "you can trust me, I won't tell anyone"
"it's not that, it's just that you wouldn't understand, sometimes you take everything to extremes and judge".
"I promise I won't" she gave me a reluctant look and sighed.
"When I was 6 years old on my birthday I passed by the old man's shack again, the one I talked to Peeta about today, he had asked me to come for my birthday. I didn't know why but when I got to his house, he had a present for my birthday, it was a cupcake, it was the first time I had ever seen a cupcake like that up close in my life and more than that I was holding it in my hands. My parents never bought me one because they were quite expensive and also because of my father's hatred for the baker in my district. I was very happy with my gift, so I decided not to eat it and bring it home to share with my family" At that moment she stopped for a few seconds and her countenance darkened "But as soon as my father saw me with that cupcake his face transformed. he was crazed with rage like I had never seen him before"
"He hit you?"I asked.
"That doesn't matter" for me this was a confirmation "but I do remember that he took me to the back of the butcher's shop, where he used to kill the animals. A horrible place that smelled like death and where there was always blood and animal remains since my father only cleaned it once a month. He punished me by leaving me in there for I don't know how long. I only know that I was dirty and that I couldn't get that smell and the sticky blood off my body" she finished her story with a shudder. I remained silent, I couldn't think of any reasonable excuse that would justify such a punishment to a little girl "Anyway, it doesn't matter, what does matter is that I never wanted to taste a cupcake again in my life, every time I see one it reminds me of that place" Leila finished in a casual way, just like with the story of the goat, downplaying its importance.
I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell her how wrong it was what he did to her but I knew we always came back to the same place, where Leila would justify her father by saying he was the only person who cared for her when she needed him the most. However, to me it sounded more like he was simply keeping her alive for his dark purposes. Not wanting to argue with her any further I changed the subject to something much more trivial, like kitchens. She told me about her day, how busy she had been and the new things she had learned today. We discussed a bit more of everything and nothing and after a while Leila fell asleep. As we lay there, all I could think about was how fragile she looked, her full lips, her long and full hair, that carefree laugh and the horrible traumas this poor girl was carrying.
It was 5 o'clock in the morning when I felt tiredness win the battle and I fell asleep. When I woke up it was almost 11 o'clock in the morning. I felt exhausted and with a painful need for liquor. I wonder if some morning in my life I will be able to wake up without feeling this need. I got ready to start my day and when I was about to leave the room, I was scared to death. Leila was there, with her expectant face, nervous giggles and hands hidden behind her back.
"Are you trying to scare me to death" I asked her.
"I thought you were going to stay in bed all day" she mocked me but then between giggles she pulled out of her back a kind of deformed cupcake decorated with what seemed to be cream,"Happy birthday, Haymitch" she said giving me a quick kiss.
"Thank you" I couldn't answer anything else. I was impressed for two reasons, one, that she remembered my birthday, I had mentioned it once in one of our conversations, but we never talked about it again, and two, it had been 25 years since I hadn't celebrated it, it was a miracle that I still remembered the date I was born.
"So are you going to try it" she urged me to eat my present. I felt, for some reason, embarrassed and flattered, if it were anyone else I would offer to share the cupcake but knowing the history of her aversion to desserts, I wouldn't dare.
"Of course, this kind of delicacies are not common in this prison" I said laughing "and since when are you good at baking" I asked her as I took the first bite and oh lord, I was thankful for all the years I spent in the capitol and had learned to hide my emotions and thoughts. It was the most horrible cupcake I had ever tasted in my life, not only was it raw in the center but I could feel the sticky bits of flour in my mouth and not to mention the cream. Its suspicious appearance said it all.
"Well, I'm not an expert " she giggled "but I had read about it and this morning I got up early and visited Peeta, I asked him to explain me how to make one, step by step and I followed his instructions" before her attentive and happy look I had no choice but to finish eating my "cake". But if Peeta had given her the recipe I was sure he had given it to her wrong as a kind of revenge towards me.
"Did you tell Peeta that you were going to surprise me like this" I wanted to confirm my suspicions.
"No, I know you wouldn't like that" so it wasn't revenge, Leila just wasn't very good at baking or anything involving an oven.
"Well, thanks again. I can't describe how exceptional it was" I lied to her, I had no heart to be honest after the gesture she had made to me, including waiting for me outside the room.
" I'm glad you liked it, maybe I could make you something special for lunch, would you like it?
"no, no, I think you've already done a lot for me today " and I meant it, I was blushing up to my ears with the extra attention Leila was giving me today "I don't want you to get into trouble".
"okay. I think I have to go, it's almost lunch time and they still need extra help" I sighed.
"I'll see you tonight then" I winked at her, with one last giggle and one more chaste kiss she left. I waited until she was out of sight before I went back to the room and washed out my mouth from the bad taste of the cupcake. I couldn't help but laugh, Leila always surprised me and never in the way I expected.
My day went by like any other between checking on Peeta's condition, talking to Katniss and spending the day in the command room, nothing was out of what had been a normal day for me for the past two months. When I walked into my room I was surprised not to see Leila in it, I took advantage of her being gone to take my turn in the shower and get ready for another sleepless night. I was reading one of my books when Leila finally entered the room with a serious face and looking me in the eyes, she sat down next to me and with a tender pout on her mouth she spoke to me
"You lied to me " she accused me
"What did I lie to you about?" I pretended innocence to any accusation that came my way.
"You said it was delicious and it was not. You don't have to lie to protect my feelings, you know?" Ah, the cupcake. I wonder if she tasted it herself?
"Technically I didn't lie. I never used the word "delicious" . I said "exceptional"...exceptionally bad. Maybe you can accuse me of omission" she didn't laugh at my joke, she just kept giving me a dirty look "who snitched on me?"
"Peeta" if it was the old Peeta, he would have lied to her. But the new Peeta didn't give a fuck about hurting sensitivities "I left him one before I came to see you and this afternoon I rushed over to see him to get his opinion. To sum up everything he told me: a complete disaster" harsh and no mercy.
"don't feel bad, for a first try it wasn't that bad, maybe he exaggerates. What's more I'm willing to give you my honest opinion the next time you try it" and I was hoping she wouldn't try it soon or deny my taster services.
"No, I give up!" Thank lord! " I'm going to push for Peeta to be released from his prison. I think he'd be better off doing something useful than being alone in that hospital room."
"We just have to wait for him to make a little more progress and I think it will be possible" she nodded and then looked at me seriously again.
"Don't lie to me again" she said pointing a finger at me.
"Hey, isn't it supposed to be my birthday and I have a free pass to do whatever I want? " I said laughing
"Just for today, Abernathy" she laughed with me.
This was what I enjoyed most about Leila's company, she always made me forget about everything, any worries were almost non-existent and the impossible seemed possible as with Peeta. The thought that maybe he was on his way to getting better and would most likely be able to get out of his hospital room. I only hoped that in the future the meeting of Peeta and Katniss would have a positive effect on him and in the best case Peeta would be able to remember her as before.