JOHANNA'S POV
I was furious, not only furious, but outraged at the stupid decision that stupid know-it-all doctor had made. What did he know about life or pain? Nothing! And yet he could decide what was good or bad for me. I wanted to kill him! but I knew that in my deplorable state, even he could beat me in a fight. Once again I was walking in circles in my room, the pain was killing me, and I didn't have the sufficient supply of morphling that my body was claiming.
"Hello Johanna "again here she was. At least once a day she would stop by to say hello and try to have a conversation with me, most of the time I just ignored her. I don't know who the hell sent her to watch me but I wish she would stop "how are you?"
"Perfectly fine as you see, dummy," I replied.
"Here, you'll have to get the syringe yourself," she handed me two vials containing what I was most looking forward to.
"Where did you get those? " I said, snatching them out of his hands.
"I stole them," she said sighing, smoothing her clothes and looking around absentmindedly, "I know how much withdrawal hurts and it's harder when the decision to quit comes from someone else".
"I'm not an addict!"
"Then give them back to me and I'll put them in their place," she knew I wasn't going to do it and it annoyed me to owe favors, "I have to admit that I don't agree with you depending on this but it's up to you to say when to stop."
"Why are you doing it?"
"I'm just trying to help," she said as if it was the obvious thing to do, what kind of help was this, and why was she doing it?
"So your "help" boils down to stealing things from the district that opened the doors for you."
"I didn't see you complaining the first time while you were devouring my food," she reproached me smiling.
"Well now, what do you want? I don't think you only came here for this" she denied giving me the reason.
"I want you to come with me," she blurted out without further ado.
"Where? and why?"
"To the uninhabited wing of the district and well, when we get there I'll explain to you why" I couldn't help laughing. Was she crazy?
"Are you asking me to accompany you to an uninhabited place without giving me any explanation? Are you really out of your mind, you stupid head?"
"Come on Johanna, if I wanted to hurt you or kill you I would have done it already, I don't need to trick you, I do it for you" she said seriously. She had a point but I wasn't so naïve to accept it without further ado.
"you do it for me? what the hell are you talking about?"
"Well, you can't stay like this, it's unfair to yourself," she said pointing at me uncomfortably and I understood she was referring to my appearance, all the bitterness came back to my body.
"That's what happens when you spend time with your little buddies from the capitol" I said, pointing at myself with hatred.
"I know, I didn't mean to hurt you. I just had an idea and thought maybe" she shrugged without finishing the sentence.
"So, what stupid idea did your tiny brain come up with?"
"I'd rather show you" maybe I had gone crazy or I wasn't afraid of anything anymore but I agreed to go with her. What could be worse than being in this state of endless pain.
As we were leaving the hospital a nurse stopped us but Leila lied to her saying we had permission to leave the hospital area. I escorted her through hallway after hallway until we reached the unoccupied wing of 13. Once we got to the place Leila wanted to bring me to, she pulled out a couple of keys and opened a door. As soon as we entered the room she locked the door and turned on the lights; what I saw left me with my mouth open. It wasn't a regular room, it looked more like a bathroom, or what appeared to be public showers on one wall and sinks on the opposite side and there was a large metal cabinet in one corner locked with a padlock. Next to one of the sinks were two chairs with a bucket, Leila went to where these were and I stood stoic in my place.
"Come," she invited me to follow her.
"What are you planning to do? " With a sigh and distrust pouring out of every pore I approached and sat down on the chair that was free, she leaned over one of the buckets and pulled an ax out of it.
"Here, it's for you."
"What is this, are you giving me permission to kill you?"
"well... That wasn't my intention but if you're going to do it remember what I asked you in the arena" she said without a hint of sarcasm. "Will you butcher me or have mercy and decapitate me with an ax, Johanna?...if I have a choice I prefer the second option."
"Then what's all this for?"
"It's for you. To make you feel confident" I looked at her confused "I read it in one of those books Haymitch has on psychology."
"Did Haymitch send you to do this?"
"No! Of course not! I told you, I just want to help you."
"Then explain yourself!"
"well...I thought if I got something that you like, and that made you feel safe, you know like a charm, maybe it could help you focus on something else and not be afraid of you know" she didn't say it out loud, there was no need to say it, she knew it from that first time we met at the hospital. she leaned over the bucket again and pulled out a rolled up piece of paper "Look, I also brought this picture of your district" I watched her unroll a tray sized picture. It wasn't home, those kinds of trees don't grow in 7, but she didn't know that. I stood silently holding the ax and looking at the picture, I didn't know what to think. This stranger was trying to "help" me and I didn't like it but if it was someone I cared about it would be even worse. If this gesture came from Finnick I would be crying right now, I hated it when people cared about me. "I won't tell anyone Johanna, I promise." Leila spoke in a whisper interrupting my thoughts.
"it's ok, airhead" I tried to regain my composure and not look more vulnerable. "What's the plan?"
"get naked" she said seriously
"Without buying me a drink first?" I said sarcastically.
"You know what I mean. I don't want to get your clothes wet anyway" I flinched at the word "wet" "don't worry, we'll go slow, we won't do anything you don't want" she said softly
"Are you trying to reassure me or sleep with me?" I didn't waste the opportunity to tease her, at least I felt I had some control over the situation. She just laughed in exasperation. I wasn't modest and it wasn't the first time I had undressed in front of someone, but being naked in front of her I felt vulnerable.
"I'm going to fill this other bucket with water. You can put these in so you don't hear" she passed me a pair of earplugs, and I complied by putting them in, I wasn't going to deny that I shuddered in fear at any sound of water. I closed my eyes and held the ax tightly, maybe she was right, it was comforting to feel it in my hands. After I don't know how many minutes, I felt her tap me gently on my shoulder to get my attention. I took off my earplugs "I'm going to wash your hands first with this sponge, if you want me to stop, just say so" I just nodded.
She began to carefully scrub one of my hands, when she finished cleaning somewhere she would immediately wipe it dry. If it wasn't for the fact that she looked so normal, I would think she was reading my thoughts. Slowly we repeated the process upstairs on my body, at no time did I stop holding that little ax and looking at that forest that was not my home. She gently rubbed my head, the wounds had healed but the pain still felt rooted in every part of my being, and a feeling of oppression seized me. I couldn't explain why, but my family came to mind. My sweet mom, my stubborn dad, my two strong and funny older brothers. I would give anything in this world to be in their arms just one more moment, to be the little girl in my family again. Before I knew it the tears were rolling down my cheeks, uncontrollable tremors began to appear next
"oh Johanna, no" Leila's arms wrapped around my naked body "it's going to be okay. I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you" I cried like a child, it wasn't fear I felt, but an emptiness and the realization of being alone, I had nowhere to go, I had lost everything and here I was vulnerable with someone I didn't like. I stayed in her arms for I don't know how long but as soon as I regained control of my emotions I shook her off me.
"Let me go! I'm fine!" I said more sharply than I intended.
"I think it's best to stop here" she looked at me worriedly.
"no, I've endured enough! I'm not leaving to half-ass it. Give me that!" I snatched the sponge from her "the worst thing that could happen to me today is to let you wipe my ass. That, I can do it myself" I wasn't weak and I wasn't going to be cowed by a little water, I wasn't going to let anyone pity me.
"it's ok, you're right" she said smiling at me without a hint of anger at what I had said to her "that leaves me time to go get your clothes. You know that the lock on the closet is pretty hard to open, must be because of the old thing" she rambled on as she headed for the closet. It was probably a lame excuse to give me some privacy, I wasn't going to say it out loud, but I appreciated it. I continued the task of cleaning and drying myself as fast as I could, I didn't need to be this gentle as Leila had been, rubbing hard made me forget the wet feeling on my skin. Once I finished, coincidentally Leila appeared with clean clothes, I looked at her questioningly. "I took it along with the medicines."
"you mean steal"
"It's a loan, I'll replace it as soon as I wash the other clothes" I was going to protest but she shut me up "you don't know where the laundromats are and I don't think you can go out unaccompanied so I'll take it from here, it doesn't bother me and no, I'm not expecting you to thank me".
"Well then, and all this stuff where do you leave it?"
"The axe, I have to return it, it's a loan."
"loan-steal? or loan-loan?"
"loan-loan, the bucket and the rest I'll leave it in the closet in case you want to use it again, no one comes here, so no one will bother us."
"Is that what you do all day long, find hidden places in this district?" she laughed.
"no, in the kitchens most of the day. If you get bored you can come with me one day, we always need extra hands over there."
"no, better plans I have"
"as you wish" she shrugged laughing. Something suddenly came to my mind about this place.
"Leila, if you didn't tell anyone about this plan, how come you have the keys?" and here came the moment where she confessed to me that Haymitch or even Finnick had commissioned her for this job
"well... you remember I told you I borrowed the axe, well, the same person gave me the keys to this place."
"and why would that person do something like that?"
"I told him that I wanted a place to train my axe skills and that I wanted to be alone, and well, in return I offered him 5 more servings of special food in the month."
"All this just for food?"
"You don't know Chase, he's giant and it seems like the rations never fill him up" she said laughing.
"And by special food, you mean prepared by you or am I wrong?"
"no, you're not wrong" I didn't mean to be nosy but this was the closest thing to a normal conversation.
"Is he your boyfriend?"
"no, not him "
"Then who? Haymitch?" I said jokingly but her blush seemed to scream yes and I was left with my mouth hanging open.
"Oh Johanna! I don't know where you get so much imagination from" she said nervously as we walked out of the room.
"Leila!" a man's voice startled us. We turned at the same time in the hallway and there he was coming towards us. A man at least 6 feet tall, stocky, dark hair, pale skin typical of this district but quite hot.
"Chase hi, I was coming to find you to deliver this to you" she said pointing to the ax.
"I thought you decided to keep it. I've been waiting out here for a while for you to come out. I didn't know you'd have company" he said, giving me a quick glance.
"yep, a last minute change" she said vaguely "I introduce you, Johanna Chase, Chase Johanna".
"Wait a minute, I know you" he said pointing at me "you're Johanna Mason! now I get it all, that's what you wanted the ax for" he let out a laugh "girls if you wanted to train you'd just have to ask me.I bet I know how to handle this thing better than anyone else" he said brandishing the ax like an idiot
"no, Chase, I didn't want to bother you, besides I just wanted to try some moves and I wanted Johanna's opinion."
"And from what I see you don't know how to handle it, big guy" I interjected.
"Of course I know how to handle it, you and I can go into that room and I'll show you how well I know how to handle it" he replied in an obviously suggestive tone and I just laughed.
"Chase you're being inappropriate with Johanna!" scolded Leila but he continued to look at me with that cheeky grin.
"Chase if I go back with you in that room I'll be the best thing that ever happened to you in this fucking life, but for me it'll be two minutes I'll never get back from mine" the laugh Leila let out made her earn a little of my approval. Chase just looked entertained
"Come on Johanna, we better get back," Leila said, still laughing.
"Mason don't tempt me, nothing makes my heart beat like a good challenge" he shouted as we walked away.
xxxxxxx
"knock knock, can I come in?" Finnick came at least 3 times a day to see me, often accompanied by his other half. He came over sitting next to me on the bed.
"where did you leave the best part of you?"
"I'm giving her some space, I don't want to bore her."
"like that's possible" he grinned like a goof.
"Plus, I wanted to see my other favorite woman, you know I can't neglect my lovers," he said, winking at me. I tried to punch him in the arm but he dodged me with a laugh.
"How does she put up with you all day?"
"I wonder too" he laughed foolishly "she's in her session with the shrink right now, but this afternoon she'll come with me to see you".
"you don't have to force her to come"
"I don't force her, she cares about you too, Jo" he said seriously. How uncomfortable he made me feel when he talked to me in overprotective mode, it was irritating.
"Well whatever. What is the news?"
"A lot and nothing. We're still at an impasse with district two but I think that situation won't last long it's only a matter of days before we take the first action and all that's left, is to wait for the consequences" It was probably my desire for revenge or the desperate need to spill blood but I was looking forward to the day when our camp would invade the Capitol and wipe everyone out. I dreamed of the day when I could have Snow's head. For now I would have to settle for the fall of the traitors in District 2.
"Who told you that?
"Haymitch. They've been meeting in the command room since last night. I'll have more information tonight, I'll wait for Leila to go upstairs to leave them the food so I can take advantage of it and talk to him. As soon as I know more I'll let you know" I nodded. We were lost in our own thoughts when I remembered that doubt I had, after the conversation I had with Leila.
"Do you think there's something going on between the two of them?"
"Haymitch and Leila?" he returned my question amused "no, impossible" and burst out laughing "come on Johanna, do you really think the two of them could have something? Less than 2 months ago Haymitch wanted Leila's head on a stake, just because he tolerates her now doesn't mean he fell in love with her, and vice versa, I highly doubt the spoiled capitol girl would mess with someone like Haymitch."
"then explain to me why there seems to be something else going on there?"
"I have two theories," he said smugly.
"Spit it out genius," I said impatiently.
"Okay" he laughed "On one hand I think Haymitch is serving as a spy for Plutarch, given the number of concessions Leila has been given despite her "questionable behavior", I think he has a hidden interest in her."
"What dubious behavior?" I asked. If there was one thing I had noticed about Leila, it was that she always behaved well, too well I would say.
"Don't you know?" he laughed "As soon as we got here, everyone wanted to see Leila confined to a cell, but Haymitch and Plutarch stepped in to give her a chance. A few weeks later, she tried to kill Plutarch in front of all the higher ups. It was the gossip throughout the district, although they justified it as post-traumatic stress to save face. Truth be told, Plutarch interceded so she wouldn't be sent to prison" Finnick paused and looked down "as soon as we got to this district I begged Plutarch to use her as a bargaining chip, for you or Annie, but he flatly refused. Anyway she would be better off in the capitol than here, the vast majority hate her, she only has a few followers. It's because of all this that I don't get it, it doesn't make sense for them to defend her so much, unless they're up to something, the two of them."
"And you, who knows everything about everyone, what use could she possibly be to them?" I didn't want to open old wounds but I knew Finnick had gotten insider information on everyone through his "services". He didn't seem offended by the question and thought about it.
"That's where the mystery is. She's clean. In all my years there, I not only got information from people in the capitol but also from other tributes, so I found out how each of them were being exploited. But the few times someone talked about her, they only said good things about her, about how kind and sweet she was to everyone, also about the gifts she had received or the upcoming interviews she would give or how she had attended the party wearing that dress from this or that designer, or how beautiful she sang at those parties or how President Snow appreciated her. When I questioned Cecelia and Woof about the girl , they would only talk to me about how her family was a big supporter of the Capitol and that they lived in more luxury than some people in the Capitol. so I think whatever Leila has, it must be something big, or they wouldn't be treating her with a gentle hand."
"maybe you're thinking too far ahead, maybe Plutarch just wants to fuck her" I theorized.
"No, not at all" he laughed even more "even with all her attributes Leila couldn't get anything with him. To make it easier for you, Plutarch prefers male company" I was horrified to think that he was also part of that abusive elite and I didn't want to think about how horrible it must be for Finnick to have a rapist among us. he saw the course of my thoughts by my expression "no, I was never with him in that sense, we just "pretended", you know, to plan the rebellion, it was the only way we could talk without them being suspicious. Plutarch never agreed to exploit anyone like that, his personal relationships he has kept very secret and with his own people. Not with the tributes."
"Then I don't understand, and I have a question, why would Leila want to kill Plutarch...what did he do?"
"I have no idea. Katniss wouldn't tell me everything that happened, I just know it has something to do with her family and Snow."
"And the other theory?" I asked
"Well it has more to do with the girl. I think she must have some serious information from Plutarch and that's why he's protecting her."
"So you think she would be blackmailing him?"
"It could be, although I'm not entirely convinced by this idea. She doesn't seem like that kind of person, I don't know if you know what I mean?"
"Something like that, there's something about her, I don't know what it is, but it's out of place."
"Exactly! As soon as she could get up from her hospital bed she came to see me, she wanted to apologize for the death of...M Maggs" he hesitated before continuing hastily "I don't remember very well what I answered her, I just wanted her away. But that's the point, she seemed very affected by her death and yet she was ready to kill us all. At times I think it's all staged and she's playing nice but there are times when it seems so authentic and real her actions that I don't know what to think."
"I know what you mean, I also feel like she's looking to "help" me or gain my trust but so much kindness is strange coming from an expert assassin like her. We can't forget that she's just an extension of Snow." we were silent for a while "of all this, I can only say it's a pity" I said "sadly".
"What is it?" he asked seriously
"that nothing is going on between those two, otherwise I would have something to have fun with at Haymitch's expense" he laughed loudly
"Can you imagine those two? the perfect Leila with the scruffy Haymitch" he said imitating Caesar Flickerman's accent.
"I bet Katniss wouldn't be too keen on that relationship between her mentor and her 'ex' assassin" I laughed.
"Katniss is not going to be very supportive of the relationship between her "ex" assassin and her "ex" lover."
"No way! Did Peeta and her...?"
"nope, but I do know she's been helping his recovery quite a bit and he seems to like her company" he shrugged. It was impossible that something was going on between Leila and Peeta, I remembered very well when he was being tortured, his screams and the only person that kept him sane most of the time was thinking about Katniss, that kind of love was not something that would be forgotten or so easy to erase. We didn't talk about it anymore with Finnick, we went on to talk about everything and nothing about this district, about war strategies against the Capitol or anything that could distract us.