Red River Blue
Chapter 57
Carol sat at the picnic table. She stared blankly ahead, the plate of food that River set in front of her some time ago still untouched. The image of Sam's undead head growling on the pike was playing on repeat in her mind, morphing with the memory of what Sophia looked like when she came out of Hershel's barn. Lizzie's blank stare after she attacked Wren and fell on her own knife. Mika was still alive. But Carol wondered how long that would last. And she wondered what terrible thing she might have done in her life to deserve watching every child she'd ever cared about die violently while she continued to live.
"You should try to eat somethin'," River coaxed, lowering herself down on the bench beside her. She rubbed her hand gently over Carol's back. The gentle contact slowly brought Carol back to the present. She blinked away the images in her mind, looking down at the buttered bread in front of her with disgust.
"What's the point?," Carol asked, her voice flat and hollow.
"There is no point," Harley answered, reaching across and snagging one of the bread slices off her plate. Carol rubbed her eyes. She didn't even realize the young woman was sitting across from her until she spoke. "She's gonna keep buggin' ya until ya eat," Harley added, waving the slice of bread in her mother's direction. "So ya might as well just go ahead and do it."
"I'm not hungry," Carol argued. Even the thought of chewing and swallowing made her feel sick. She didn't want to eat. She didn't even want to be out of her tent. She was only sitting at the table because River got involved and talked Daryl into carrying her out here.
Carol glanced around, hoping that there was someone nearby that would take up her cause and convince River to leave her alone. Because she didn't have the energy to argue. Aiden and Rosita were on the opposite side of the table from her, sitting with Harley. Rosita had one of the babies in her arms. And Aiden was holding Monroe in his lap, letting his niece rest her head against his shoulder. Carol was having a hard time focusing on their words. But it sounded like Aiden was trying to talk Harley into staying with him and Rosita for a while once they went home. Which, from the amount of packing Carol saw going on around them, looked like it was going to be happening sooner than they originally planned.
River was sitting to Carol's right, holding the little girl Axel and Hershel rescued from the walkers outside Hilltop. Carol cringed slightly away from them, remembering the standoff between the two groups that eventually led to her son's head being separated from his body. Turning the other way, she noticed that Daryl was on her other side. Like Harley, she didn't even realize he was there until now. He had the puppy she got him for his birthday in his arms, stroking his hands over its fur and taking what comfort he could from the animal. Looking at them, Carol felt another pang of guilt in addition to the rest of the misery she was feeling. She ought to be comforting her husband. Instead of forcing him to look to a dog for affection. But at the moment, hugging Daryl and telling him everything was going to be okay felt as impossible as swallowing the bread River was coaxing her to eat.
Jerry approached their table. Carol stared through him, aware that he was asking her a question but unable to put the words together in her mind. After a brief conversation between him and the others that were present at the table, Harley was escorted away by Rick. She seemed angry about something. But Carol wasn't sure what. River and Rosita got up, each of them balancing a baby on their hips, and followed Jerry out of their campsite. Before she left, River leaned in and wrapped her arm around Daryl, whispering into his ear.
"You should eat," he suggested half heartedly, turning and letting the wriggly puppy down onto the ground. Carol didn't even have the energy to sigh, though she realized as soon as he spoke that River must have placed him in charge of forcing her to eat before she left with Jerry. Carol didn't respond to him. She simply turned and let her eyes go unfocused again. Daryl said her name a few times, trying to get her attention. But it was like he was speaking to her from the surface of the lake. And she was under water. She could barely hear him. And responding to him felt like it was going to take far too much effort. Carol didn't even react when Daryl slammed his hand down on the table top and hollered at her. Yer not the only one that lost him! But she felt relieved when he got up and stormed off.
Carol sat and stared. People came and went from her table. But she hardly registered their presence. At one point she felt herself walking. Someone had their arm around her. But she wasn't sure who. And she had no idea where she was going until she was surrounded by people and Ezekiel was up on stage addressing the crowd. She was sure that whatever he was saying was meant to make people feel better. More hopeful. Ezekiel was good at that.
Carol felt herself being moved towards the front of the crowd, close to the stage. It wasn't until they were almost there that she realized the person pulling her along was her daughter. When they stopped, Mika hugged her tight and told her she loved her. And Carol hugged her back, more eager for the young woman's affection than she thought she was.
Carol watched as Mika climbed onto the stage and stood next to Henry. He was quick to wrap his arm around her and tuck her against his side, looking at her like he always looked at her, like she was the only woman on earth worth looking at.
Ezekiel said a few more words. Words that failed to penetrate the fog around Carol's mind. Then he stepped back and Ian from Riverbend stepped forward. From the way everyone around her bowed their heads, Carol guessed he was leading them in prayer. When he finished, Mika and Henry came forward. They faced each other in front of him and joined hands. But it wasn't until they kissed that Carol realized she was watching her daughter get married. Not in her altered dress. Or with all the flowers she wanted. There was no cake. And no party. Mika was wearing cut-off jean shorts and one of Sam's t-shirts that she tied in the back to make it fit her better.
The crowd of people around Carol began to clap. When she looked, she could see that a lot of them had tears in their eyes. And for a moment, she looked up at the stage and felt herself filling with hope. Mika and Henry were coming back to Alexandria to stay with her and Daryl. It probably wouldn't be long before they had the grandchild she'd been secretly hoping for. There would be a stage of mourning and adjustment. But they could be happy again. Together. For a moment, Carol believed in the future that Ezekiel was selling with his impromptu ceremony. But then reality came crashing in.
Another baby was just another child for Carol to lose. No matter how hard she tried, everyone she loved was eventually going to die a horrible death at the hands of some new enemy. Even Daryl. And she was going to be goddamned if she stayed around and watched that happen. As the crowd cheered, Carol moved backwards. River and Daryl had been taking turns watching her since yesterday. But while their attention was focused on the stage, she was able to slip away. Once she was free from the crowd, Carol hurried as fast as she could back towards their campsite. Packing a bag only took her a few minutes. Over the years, they all learned to travel light when necessary. The only thing she took that wasn't necessary for survival was Sam's leather jacket, pulling it on over her clothes before she slung her pack onto her back. By the time Daryl got back to the campsite to look for her, she had already disappeared over the wall and faded into the woods.