They had room service for dinner, Maura still feeling a little flat, not wanting to leave the safe space of the confines of Jane's arms. She didn't want to question why this was happening; she knew instinctively that to say anything would make it all go away, would conjure immediately the Jane she'd been coexisting with for the past two years. The distant, untouchable Jane. The last thing she wanted. She wanted Jane to stay like this for the limited time they had left. Even if it hurt more when Jane left.

But when dinner came, Jane got up to open the door, and Maura's back was cold where it had been pressed against Jane.

Maura made it into her pyjamas that night, eyeing Jane in her sweats and tank. She turned in early, Jane trying to catch a game that was had been broadcast back home on Maura's laptop. Maura trusted Jane with her laptop; she used incognito mode for anything private anyway. Jane wouldn't find the dating sites she'd signed up to for her time in France, and she wouldn't delete the novel - she had several backups in several locations anyway, the process automated by Nina to synchronise twice daily.

Maura didn't like surprises, but she'd had seven years of Jane's friendship to get used to them and most of them were pleasant. This was pleasant. It was almost like a romantic getaway, the two of them holed up in a hotel. Almost like a honeymoon, with a few things missing.

It didn't feel like love was missing any more. It had for a long time. Promising in the video that she would love and miss Jane was the closest she'd been able to come to voicing it recently, what with Jane being so skittish. Maura turned onto her side, holding a spare pillow. This was so silly, somehow. Maura could easily have gotten them the second room, or booked somewhere else with a suite or adjoining rooms. They didn't need to be crammed together like sardines, like that game Jane had told her about. It sounded nicer than hide and seek; less lonely. It sounded more like being found than being lost, and Maura had been hidden for too long.

She'd expected to be alone, out here. On her own, able to process the last few years without distractions - or with distractions of her own choosing. She would have to cancel a few dates she'd made before she'd left Boston. Maura had been alone before Jane, and she'd enjoyed it. And she'd be alone when she got back to Boston - that wasn't entirely true, not with Angela in the guest house and Tommy and TJ around the corner, and Korsak and Kiki running the Dirty Robber, and Nina and Frankie just a few blocks away. Cailin and Tasha were sharing one of Maura's properties, and Angela never failed to feed them when they showed up unannounced. And she saw Hope at the clinic, the relationship never quite what either of them had wanted but finally mellowing into something sustainable. So there would be people back home, people she enjoyed, people she loved.

But without Jane, she'd feel alone. Everyone else left at night; it was Jane who stayed, sneaking in to sleep on the couch after Maura had been kidnapped. It was Jane who used to stay after something awful had happened, it was Jane who could hold her when she cried, Jane who knew her. Jane who'd loved her, Jane who'd fought for her.

Without Jane, she knew she'd stay out of the field a lot more. She knew her life would be in less danger, because Jane was dangerous.

The way she touched Maura was dangerous. Maura rolled over again, facing the empty space that Jane would fill later. It had been one kiss, just one kiss, well over two years ago. Jane had been crying, and she'd run away; why was Maura so hung up on it still? Even under the circumstances, Maura had never felt anything so right as that moment, little bolts of lightning travelling up from where Jane's hands rested on her. And then, to have Jane retreat and withhold her physical touch had been so painful. Perhaps she wasn't hung up on the kiss, but rather the loss it represented. The loss of the child they'd been going to have - that Jane had been going to have, but Maura knew Jane had planned on sharing said child with Maura - the loss of affection, the loss of their routine and casual sleepovers. The loss of everything that got her through the day, the little frission of excitement at Jane's touch. That was the moment it had all gone away, and perhaps that was why Maura relived it so often, wondering what would have happened if she'd forgotten about Jack and kissed her back. Would Jane have been sheepish and shy in the morning - how far would they have gone? Would Jane have regretted it? Maura knew she would have, if only for Jack's sake. She rolled onto her back again, sighing.

"Am I keeping you up?" Jane asked, putting the laptop down on the coffee table, taking off her headphones and stretching. She bounced onto the bed and stole Maura's holding pillow, shoving it under her head and snapping off the bedside lamp.

"I missed you," Maura said softly. She knew not to push it, not to say anything more. She knew Jane would understand what she was saying without her having to say anything else.

"Me too," Jane said, rolling onto her side, away from Maura's empty arms.

When Maura woke, Jane had crept upon her in her sleep, had sought the warmth and comfort of Maura's body with her own, and Maura found herself wanting to cry. She really should do something about the hotel situation. She couldn't keep waking up like this - but she could, she could, every day for the rest of her life, if only Jane - if only. She sighed and sat up, dislodging Jane, who did little more than grumble and curl up into the space Maura left in the bed. Maura dressed and went downstairs for coffee. Jane was still asleep when Maura got back, so Maura slid her coffee onto the bedside table, sat on the chairs watching Jane sleep, checking her phone. Messages, photos. People she loved; people that weren't Jane. She pulled out her laptop and checked her word count. It was slightly higher than she'd expected, and she started typing. There was a psychosexual element she'd wanted to add, and she thought she could tackle it now.

Jane woke slowly, like her brain had finally registered she was on holidays. She yawned and stretched, gulping down her coffee and checking her phone, checking in with her family. She wrinkled her nose when she saw Maura had sent a photo of her fast asleep in the group chat, but she drank her coffee and rubbed her face.

"We should get going. The guided tour starts in half an hour." Maura was fully dressed and ready to go, so Jane pulled off her tank top, dropping it in the laundry bag on her way to the dresser to grab a bra. She'd always done this; she hadn't even hesitated the first time Maura had been there in the morning. She had such confidence, and Maura had seen it all fade when other people were around. When men were around; she'd had the same confidence at the lesbian bar. But when they'd had to decontaminate, Jane had hidden. Maura shook her head. It had been so long she'd almost forgotten the dusky nipples, the firm, taut breasts of Jane. How they suited her small frame. Jane pulled a bra on much the way Maura would assume a man would; there were some swear words as she wrangled with it, and she looked away, chuckling to herself.

She really should do something about this hotel situation, but she couldn't quite bring herself to.

Notes:

Next chapter is delayed because i made a silly mistake 28 hours ago and my body is still punishing me for continuing to exist despite its attempts otherwise.