Turning his head towards the doorway as the doctor entered the room, Steve begged, "Can you give us just five minutes, Doc?"
Looking across at the rigid back of his other patient in the room and the racing heart monitor, Mullins realized that he had walked into the middle of something going on between the two men. Something he suspected they needed to work out between the two of them in private. Giving one curt nod, he mouthed five minutes before he turned and left the room, closing the door behind him, giving them the privacy, he believed they needed to talk and be able to move past whatever was going on between them, so both could make a full recovery. It didn't take a PHD in medicine to realize they both desperately needed each other.
Turning his head to stare up at the ceiling, Steve sighed, "You're right Danny, I guess I am a bit of a control freak." He thought he heard Danny snort as he continued. "I like to be in control of the situations." He shrugged before he admitted, "I guess I like being in control of every situation. Maybe that's why I loved being a Navy SEAL. It taught me how to control or win control of any situation I found myself in. It also taught me that with that control that I could also protect the people around me as well, especially the people I loved.
I already told you that I didn't grow up like you did. McGarrett men aren't supposed to show their emotions. We were supposed to be strong, protect the ones that we loved, even if protecting them might mean hurting them, even though that was never our intentions. And that's what happened to you."
He swallowed hard and took a deep breath, uncertain if Danny was even listening. "You know when I first met you that day in my father's garage, I knew you were the man whom I wanted as my partner for the new Hawaii task force that the governor had appointed me to set up. And I was right, Danny, there is no one else I would ever want or even trust watching my back. I trust you with my life. But even though you hated me as your partner at first," Steve smiled as he remembered the punch on the chin before he added, almost triumphantly, "I knew that I could win you over and that we would become the best of friends. But you become more than that, you and Gracie, and later Charlie, became my ohana. But to be honest, you become so much more to me."
Steve's voice dropped and cracked with emotion as he softly admitted, "I realized that I was beginning to have feelings for you the day I almost lost you because of the sarin." Running his hand over his head, Steve whispered, "God, Danny, I was so scared and when the doctor said that you were going to be okay…" He fell silent for a moment before continuing. "Anyway, I guess that's when I realized that I had feelings for you, feelings that I had never felt towards another man before. Feelings that I couldn't admit and tried my hardest to ignore after I found Rachel asleep in your arms that night in the hospital and realized that you still had feelings for her. So instead, I decided what I felt that day for you was just relief that you were going to be okay and concentrated in trying to make a go of it with Catherine. I believed that there could be nothing more between us than just being best friends and for it worked for a while."
"But there was a couple of times when I almost slipped. Almost blurted out how I felt." Turning to look at Danny, he admitted, "The day of Gracie's father /daughter dance and the movement sensitive bomb. It was only the story you told me about when you and Rachel discovered Rachel was expecting and how Grace got her name that stopped me then and there telling you how I felt about you. And after it was all over, and you went to pick up Gracie. I cried. I cried with relief that you were safe and I hadn't lost you and I cried because I wasn't brave enough to be honest with you about my feelings. I cried because I feared that you would go on never knowing just how important you were to me that day."
Licking his lips, forcing himself to share his innermost secrets, things he had never admitted to anyone else, he continued. "Then the day we were trapped by in the rubble after that explosion. For those long minutes when I thought that I had truly lost you, I hated myself that I had never taken the chance to tell you that I loved you. Then when I found you, still alive, I knew what I had to tell you, even if it was in the form of a joke. And then when you said it back to me." Steve smiled, "I wasn't sure if you were joking or if you really meant it but it felt so good to hear. But I guess that's when I went into McGarrett protective control overdrive, Buddy, I didn't want to ever take the chance of losing you again. I wanted to protect you, not just not you but Gracie and Charlie as well, and I guess I took it to extremes. By trying to look out for you, I did what I always do, and took complete control of every situation, and accidentally pushed you away.
I know I have told you this before but I just wanted to protect you and make things easier for you and if that meant having to stay away from you after the bone marrow transplant and while you bonded with Charlie, then that's what I was willing to do. It was so hard, Danny, I wanted to see you every day but I forced myself and everyone else to stay away. I really did think I was doing the right thing, just like I thought I was doing the right thing by letting you rest in the office while I took Lou with me out in the field. Now don't get me wrong, Lou is a great guy and I trust him, but he wasn't you, Danny, and I missed having you by my side.
And you have to believe me, Danny, I never, ever, wanted to make you feel so alone, or make you, or Grace or Charlie, feel that you were no longer important to me. Hell, Danny, that was the last thing I ever wanted to do. You know that sometimes I can be a bit of a…Neanderthal animal…when it comes to expressing my feelings and the way I sometimes behave. I just wish that you would have told me how you were feeling. You have never had a problem telling me what you were thinking or feeling before…
And then after you saved my life by giving me half of your liver, I still had no idea of how you were feeling and I guess I screwed up when I told you the Charlie would grow up hating you as much as I did." Steve swallowed hard, "Because I didn't mean it Danny. It was a stupid thing to say and I am sorry. And then when we almost lost you." Licking his dry lips as he remembered the horror of the last few days of being terrified that he was going to lose the man he loved, Steve admitted softly, "I don't know what I would have done if I lost you… And I don't want to lose you now. I don't want you to leave me and go back to the mainland without me. I want you to stay with me, Danny, and if you do want to go back to New Jersey, I want to be able to join you there when you decide that you want me there. It will be up to you when and if I do but I don't want to lose what we have between us. So please, don't give up on me…on us… not yet."
"I told you, Steve, that I don't want to feel like I am not appreciated anymore, or that what I say or think doesn't matter. I am tired of feeling like I am alone" Danny opened his eyes and stared tiredly at the wall before he rolled over and looked across at Steve as he finally admitted to himself. "But I don't know why but I do love you despite everything that has happened and to be honest I don't want to lose you either, but I don't want to feel alone anymore, either."
"You won't Danny, I promise," Steve answered honestly, praying that his promise might be the first step in repairing the damage he had done to the man he loved.