Seven Sins

by jazzywazzy08

When Bonnie Bennett attends her first Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting, the last person that she expects to see is her best friend's boyfriend, Stefan Salvatore. Stefan's recovery and Bonnie's commitment to the program quickly goes off the rails when the two hook up that same night and begin an enabling secret relationship that leads them down the spiraling path of obsession and sin.

2. part two: sloth

Title: Seven Sins

Pairing(s): Bonnie/Stefan (Main), Stefan/Elena, Bonnie/Jeremy, Bonnie/Tyler, Stefan/Katherine, Stefan/Bonnie/Tyler, Stefan/Bonnie/Katherine, etc.

Summary: When Bonnie Bennett attends her first Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting, the last person that she expects to see is her best friend's boyfriend, Stefan Salvatore. Stefan's recovery and Bonnie's commitment to the program quickly goes off the rails when the two hook up that same night and begin an enabling secret relationship that leads them down the spiraling path of obsession and sin.

Warnings: Sexual Content, Explicit Sexual Content, Language, Addiction, Obsession, etc.

part two || sloth

sloth— the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.

"The seemingly easy way out is never an easy road."

― Richelle E Goodrich

Bonnie Bennett had been Camille O'Connell's patient for the last three months. In those three months, Camille had picked up on a pattern as far as their sessions went. Bonnie would come in and sit down. Her posture would be stiff and reserved. She would be dressed fashionably, not a hair out of place. She'd greet Camille, politely. Always polite on the surface. Always in control. But Camille had soon realized the storm brewing within.

Camille would ask a question. Always she was the one to speak first. Bonnie would stare off into space and think. Go somewhere else for a moment or more. Drift off into another realm. It wasn't often easy, even for a seasoned professional like herself, to tell whether Bonnie was thinking or absent altogether. Bonnie Bennett was that closed off.

She always seemed put together, however. Though the young woman's style was eclectic, vintage at times, a bit bohemian at others, she was always dressed to impress. Always looked beautiful, at times stunningly so, to the point that she was the talk of the staff among Camille's regulars. To the point that Camille often had to remind herself to remain professional.

Bonnie didn't see herself that way though. An invisible shadow behind her friends, Elena Gilbert and Caroline Forbes, she said often. "I could disappear," she told Camille once, "And no one would notice until they needed to ask me a favor. Then they'd wonder, I think. But they wouldn't know me well enough to know where to look. I think about it sometimes. Disappearing. About starting a life somewhere else. Away from the bullshit. But then I think about how it would hurt people, how they need me only for the sake of needing me and what'd happen to them when I was gone. I wish I were selfish. I'd leave then. I wish I could be selfish when I wasn't fucking someone."

Camille had learned a lot about Bonnie in the past three months. Facts about her life and her relationships. And yet, she felt as if she didn't know the young woman at all. She kept her true self guarded and Camille often wondered if their sessions were even helpful to Bonnie. It was why she had suggested the Sex Addicts Anonymous group to begin with. Some patients responded better to affinity groups. Felt it was easier to be transparent when with others struggling with the same affliction.

The morning after Bonnie's first SAA meeting, things had changed, and Camille thought at first that she had been correct. That the group had allowed Bonnie to let her guard down not just within the group's circle but with Camille as well. She was right in a way, but she was also very wrong.

The day started very different as far as sessions went. First, Camille had been ten minutes late. She prided herself on promptness but had been preoccupied with some business she'd thought she'd left back in New Orleans. In any case, when she'd arrived at her office Bonnie was already there.

Instead of sitting stiffly in the chair on the other side of Camille's desk as per usual, Bonnie was spread out on the chaise lounge across the room staring up at the ceiling. She wore a long black flowing dress with red and yellow flowers printed on the skirt at the bottom that almost looked like flames when they hit the light and her feet were bare. Her heels tossed to the side of the lounge as Bonnie took a drag of a cigarette. Camille had never seen her smoke.

"I apologize for being late," Camille offered as she sat behind her desk, trying to keep her face impassive and not show how taken aback she was by Bonnie's open expression as the young woman finally looked at her.

"Did I ever tell you how much I fucking hate high heels," Bonnie said, in response, "I like the look of them aesthetically, but they're a bitch to walk around in. So, what I've been doing today is taking them off when I feel like it. The relief of it. You have no idea. It's funny though, because of course people have been asking me why. 'Why are you taking your shoes off?' or 'Are you barefoot?' and I just started answering, 'Because I want to' or, 'Yeah, is there a problem?' Real nonchalant and people just stare at you when you say shit like that. They don't argue, because the only argument is to say that what you're choosing to do for yourself to make yourself comfortable is a problem. That you can't do what you want. And nobody wants to say things like that because then they just look like an asshole. And people don't like looking like assholes."

Camille laughed and Bonnie laughed, and it was probably the first time Camille had ever seen it. Not just in the occurrences of their therapy sessions but even when she saw Bonnie out and about. It was a small town after all. Bonnie always seemed quiet. Reserved. Even around the people she called friends. Camille had wanted to help her even before Bonnie had decided to come in. She knew what loneliness looked like after all, what it meant to feel suffocated while choking on the words that always went unheard when you let them out.

"You seem different today," Camille commented, and kept her tone neutral as she sat down in the chair in front of the chaise.

Bonnie sat up and shrugged. "I feel different."

Camille nodded. "Does it have anything to do with going to the SAA meeting?"

Bonnie frowned. Took another puff of her cigarette. She blew out smoke, her lips forming a perfect circle. "Yeah, yeah, it does, in a way I guess." She paused and then met Camille's gaze. "Do you remember my first session here? You asked me that generic question that all therapists ask, 'What brings you in today, Ms. Bennett?'"

Camille smiled. "I remember."

"I hadn't been sure how to answer." Bonnie frowned. "I didn't know where to start. Because things had been wrong for so long and I hadn't..."

Camille waited patiently as Bonnie took another drag of her cigarette.

"I hadn't felt right in a long time" she said, finally, "I felt right last night for the first time in forever and it was after doing probably the most wrong thing I've ever done."

Camille just managed to suppress a frown at the words. "Would you like to talk about it?"

"I wouldn't be here otherwise," Bonnie sighed, "I saw Stefan at the meeting. I was surprised to see him. He shared and I felt like I was looking in a mirror. We talked after and we triggered each other. Relapsed with one another. It was the best feeling I've ever felt. The only time I've ever not felt empty after sex. And I know what he risked, what I risked, and who it would hurt. But I don't care."

Bonnie looked far away again, and Camille waited. Waited because this was the most Bonnie had shared in a session, and she was worried that if she spoke too soon the woman would close herself off again. She had never talked about a specific encounter before. Always talked about her addiction in vague terms, but candidly enough that Camille knew it was just that. An addiction.

While Camille wasn't thrilled that the SAA meeting had led to a relapse, she hadn't expected Bonnie's road to recovery to be without detours. It was the way of addiction of any kind.

Camille watched as Bonnie put out the cigarette in the ash tray on the side table next to the chaise. She picked up a small black clutch from where it had been near her shoes still lying on the carpeted floor and pulled out a tarot card. She handed it to Camille.

Camille raised an eyebrow. "The Devil?"

"My Grams reads my cards sometimes when I go visit her," Bonnie said, "To make sure I'm safe. She's done it since I left home. Moved out. Started college. I don't buy too much into it most of the time. I mean some of the stuff she preaches about in terms of natural healing and remedies I get. I wouldn't be studying botany if I didn't. But I kind of draw the line at New Age Paganism. Still, it makes her feel better, so I go along with it. The card. It's not as bad as it looks. It just signifies-"

"Temptation." Camille said.

Bonnie grinned. "You're a New Orleans girl, I knew you'd get it." Bonnie sighed and looked away. "This was the card she pulled the morning of the SAA meeting. A part of me wishes I had taken the warning. A part of me thinks you can't cheat fate. It's strange. The first time I have sex that's not just about the sex and its with my best friend's boyfriend. A fellow sex addict. I know it won't end well. I'm staying away now because I know that. I'm here talking to you because I know that. I just...don't know if I can keep staying away. It was so different than anything I've ever felt and I... I want to feel it again."

"Different in what way?" Camille asked, curiously. Camille had started taking notes by then. The session was an odd one. The relapse wasn't progress but Bonnie opening up to her was. Bonnie showing vulnerability was. Bonnie having an emotional response during and after the sexual encounter she had was. While Camille was shocked to hear Stefan Salvatore was also a sex addict, considering the young man's stellar reputation, she was more shocked by the change the encounter seemed to have brought about in Bonnie.

Bonnie paused and then. "Beyond the sex it was different. When I talked, he listened to me. To have someone listen to you. To really be heard. That can almost be better than sex. When we talked it was like we were having sex. Just with words. That sounds dumb but, I can't really describe it any other way. It was intimate. The attraction was there, a living and breathing thing. Visceral. It scared the shit out of me. But there was also just honesty. Raw. Real. Not just in our words. But our behavior. I let him see the worst parts of me. Taunted and provoked him at every turn. But I wasn't ashamed. There weren't really any boundaries, which is strange for me because I normally keep my guard up. I have to, to hide who I really am. But with Stefan it was like I was just laid bare in every way."

"Regardless of what brought it out, the vulnerability is progress, Bonnie," Camille said, "Being able to be authentic and real, can be a gift. Even if those parts that come out may be ones you consider to be ugly. Or the worst parts of yourself. Or are in a lot of ways unhealthy. And beyond that, even with the temptation looming over you, you sought help. You're here. You're being honest and confronting it head on. That's progress too."

"Only because I know I won't be able to stop myself if I don't confront it," Bonnie admitted, "If I didn't come here." Bonnie drummed her fingers on her knees and refused to meet Camille's gaze as she spoke. "I don't really smoke. Stefan does. I found out last night. I stole the pack from his jacket pocket. It's been helping. Being able to taste him without giving in. Feeling a warmth that reminds me of him but keeping my distance. But it's driving me insane too. The taste. The reminder. The temptation. People always say the toughest thing is wanting what you can't have. That's not true. The struggle is in wanting something that you can have, that's laid out in front of you and yours for the taking. And maybe in a way it's good for you even, but maybe it's bad for you too and it's definitely bad for the people around you. The struggle is in seeing that thing that you want, knowing that you can touch and taste and experience it and no one would ever know if you didn't want them to, and not saying fuck it and taking it consequences be damned."

"Do you think that perhaps this affinity you felt with Stefan had to do with you being friends prior and being able to relate to him in a deeper way after finding out you both dealt with sex addiction manifested the way it did, in a sexual encounter, because of your addiction?" Camille asked.

"You mean that we wouldn't have slept together at all if we weren't both addicts? That maybe we'd just be better friends who had more in common than we thought otherwise?" At Camille's nod, Bonnie shrugged. They were quiet a moment and then Bonnie laughed to herself. "I don't know. I wish I could say it was never supposed to happen. Blame it on the addiction. Blame it on our lack boundaries or whatever psychobabble you can drum up. Say that it'll never happen again. But I can't. I can't help but feel like it will happen again. Like it already has. Like no matter what I do it's an inevitability. I wish I could say that I didn't want it to, but I can't. I only talked to Stefan for a few hours and in that time, I stopped feeling alone. He understood everything that I buried down deep without even trying and I had no problem telling him things that I struggled admitting to even myself only days before. It was cathartic and terrifying. Then he touched me, and it felt like nothing I ever felt. I felt connected. Tethered. Even being away from him right now makes me feel adrift, like I'm nothing all over again."

People only reacted three ways to other people that mirrored them so clearly, Camille found. They ran, they fought, or they were drawn in like moths to a flame. At times it was a bit of a mix of all three. Whatever the encounter had been, it had drawn Bonnie in and was causing her true self to leak out in a way that Camille had never seen as her doctor or in her own mind, her friend.

"As I said before," Camille cleared her throat, "You're here. Seeking help. Perhaps we tried group sessions too soon. While, having someone to relate to can be helpful, it can also be triggering. Lead to relapse like in this case. Let's continue our solo sessions. We'll try another SAA group session in a few weeks. A different group. Wait until you can establish boundaries and are back on the road to recovery."

Bonnie took another cigarette from the pack in her lap and Camille winced. "Sounds good," Bonnie muttered, even as she lit the cigarette and took a puff.
Camille thought about speaking up but decided she wouldn't begrudge her. She knew that often addicts couldn't let go of one vice without taking on another.

:::

Bonnie Bennett hadn't seen Stefan Salvatore for three days. Not because Stefan hadn't wanted to see her, but because Bonnie had refused to answer his calls, voicemails, or his text messages. The messages, both voice and text, had ranged from general attempts to talk to Bonnie or figure out her whereabouts, to worried and apologetic, to mildly suggestive, to downright dirty and sexually explicit. The only common denominator between the messages was desperation.

"Can you please just call me, Bonnie. I need to hear your voice. I need to see you. I need to feel you. I need to touch you. I need your hands on me. I need your mouth on me. I need to be inside of you. Please."

Bonnie felt the same vindication and the same desire to contact as she did after screwing Tyler. Only this time it was coupled with her own sense of desperation. She loved having power over Stefan and Stefan gave it so willingly, so beautifully that it made her want to take full advantage of it and him. He understood her so completely and without judgement, that she wanted to push him to unravel even more. She wanted to peel back every layer until she owned every part of him. She felt terrible about it. Not because of Elena. But because of Stefan. Stefan was seeking out a true connection. She wanted to give him that. Was seeking that. But she knew that it would come with her own garbage. With her need to feel needed. To feel wanted. To do anything to ensure that she wouldn't be abandoned. It would come with her claws digging deeper and deeper until she finally ripped him to shreds, even if it wasn't her intention.

The right thing to do would be to keep going to therapy. Talk to Camille. Get back on the road to recovery. Find a new SAA group to attend. Do the work. Invest in her actual relationship with Jeremy. Admit that they both made mistakes and start fresh. But she couldn't bring herself to do that either. Not after the last session she'd gone to after her encounter with Stefan.

The satisfaction she got from seeking help was nonexistent. Her actual relationship bored her. Especially in comparison to her latest antics. She hadn't talked to Jeremy in just as long as she had been out of contact with Stefan. Ignored Jeremy's phone calls, though they were far fewer than Stefan's in number. Fewer even than Tyler's still ever-present attempts to make contact. She'd missed her last therapy appointment. She was drifting and staying idle. Stagnant. Refusing to move because she didn't trust herself to. She'd already fucked up Stefan's recovery and likely his relationship if Elena ever found out. Likely her own relationship if Jeremy ever found out.

If it were up to Bonnie, she would just curl up in bed and never leave. Replay Stefan's messages over and over while she touched herself. Then cry herself to sleep. Not the best course of action, but she didn't have the desire to do much else outside of go to Stefan and give in again, which would have an even worse outcome.

The problem was, Bonnie wasn't the only person that hadn't seen Stefan in three days. Elena hadn't seen him. Lexi hadn't seen him. When asked, Damon said he was taking some time to himself for a while. Bonnie blamed herself but couldn't tell anyone. So, she stayed quiet trying to bide her time and hoping that Stefan would reach out to someone else, anyone else. But he didn't. He ignored everything and everyone outside of Bonnie. Bonnie was aware of the fact because, like she did with everything else, Elena confided in her.

"He hasn't called me or texted me," Elena told her, "We've never gone so long without speaking. He won't answer when I call. He won't text back. He usually picks up on the first ring. This isn't like him."

Elena had invited Bonnie and Caroline to lunch at Mystic Grill. It was the last place Bonnie wanted to be, but she had gotten out of bed and gone as to not cause any suspicion. If nothing else the Bonnie that the world knew always came through for her friends, no matter what she had going on herself. Her own image had to be sustained because Stefan's had cracked. If they both cracked at the same time, how long would it take everyone to put the pieces together? How long would it take Vicki to tell everyone what she knew?

Vicki was working today. Bonnie had seen her when she, Elena, and Caroline had come in. Vicki had frowned in Elena's direction and glanced at Bonnie before mouthing. "Are you good?"

Bonnie shook her head and Vicki placed a hand on the small of Bonnie's back, whispering, "Call me over if you need anything."

Bonnie had nodded, surprised that Vicki was being human about the whole thing. Still, Bonnie couldn't even trust her own instincts at the moment, so she couldn't completely trust Vicki either.

Now, Bonnie sat across from her friend at a corner table because Bonnie had refused to go near a booth. She listened as Elena fretted over her boyfriend even as Bonnie sipped her mocha and thought about how Stefan knew exactly how Bonnie liked to drink it. About how Elena didn't know what it felt like to have Stefan inside of her, but Bonnie did. About how Stefan had gone down on Bonnie as she laid sprawled out on the backseat of her car for a full thirty minutes before he'd fucked her again in that same backseat after their first time on the car hood. About how Stefan had followed her home, walked her to her door, pressed her up against it, and kissed her until Bonnie's lips were chapped and her eyes were drooping from exhaustion. About how he whispered he didn't want to leave. About how Bonnie had almost invited him in before she remembered that while she lived alone in an apartment near campus, there were no shortage of people that would recognize Stefan's bike and be nosy enough to report back to Elena that it had been outside of Bonnie's place all night. About how Bonnie still hadn't washed her dress from that night because it had Stefan's scent on it. About how she'd gone through the rest of the pack of Stefan's cigarettes already. About how-

"Bonnie," Elena said, her eyes watering, "I just don't know what to do. He hasn't done this before. At least not with me. He's had problems in the past but-" Elena's mouth snapped shut and she glowered.

Bonnie fought the urge to roll her eyes. Elena hadn't meant to let it slip. That Stefan wasn't perfect. That he had flaws. Bonnie knew the girl would likely have an aneurism if she knew Bonnie knew that Stefan was a recovering sex addict. She would likely kill over altogether if she knew that Stefan had relapsed, and that Bonnie was the culprit.

"What do you mean by problems?" Caroline asked, though Elena had been speaking to Bonnie, "Like depression?" Caroline likely didn't like being left out of the conversation, and, she had her own interest in Stefan that she assumed no one else knew about.

"Not exactly," Elena said, picking at the salad she'd ordered but had barely eaten. "He just sometimes likes to be on his own, away from everyone else. Usually, when that happens, we go up to his family cabin on our own for a few days."

"So, basically you're upset because now the whole being away from everyone includes you, too," Caroline said.

Elena scowled and to avoid an argument Bonnie interjected. "She's worried because it's out of character behavior and she wants to make sure Stefan is doing alright," Bonnie said, "That they're doing alright as a couple. Which is understandable."

Bonnie felt more than a little hypocritical justifying Elena's worry to Caroline when neither of them knew that Bonnie was the chief cause of that worry existing.

Elena smiled. "Exactly," she said, and reached across the table and touched Bonnie's hand, "I knew you'd understand."

Bonnie eased her hand away from Elena's, picking up her drink again when the girl raised an eyebrow. "Sorry," Bonnie said, making a show of clearing her throat, "My throat was a bit dry. Have you talked to Damon and Lexi about this? They probably have some insight."

Elena sighed. "Damon's been dismissive as usual, but Lexi is really worried," Elena said, "Yesterday, I just said screw it and went over to the boardinghouse, but Damon wouldn't let me in. I thought about asking Lexi to go over, but it just seems strange to ask another woman to go check on my boyfriend. It should be me."

Bonnie cleared her throat again and took another sip of her mocha. Stefan had said that he'd had to downplay his attachment to other women, but Bonnie hadn't realized that Elena's paranoia even extended to Lexi.

"It's not like it's just anyone," Caroline said, "It's Lexi. She's his best friend. She can probably get through to him."

Elena nodded. "Probably," she said, "but that'll just mean he's reaching out to me because she told him to. If she can get him to do it, it'll just remind me that they have a connection that he and I don't have yet. A history. I know they're just friends but I... feel more secure when I can believe that Stefan and I share something that he's never had with anyone else. I don't like doubting him and even Damon isn't cooperating so-"

"And you're used to getting what you want from both of them," Caroline said.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Elena asked, her eyes narrowed.

"You just seem a bit happier when you have both Salvatore brothers at your beck and call," Caroline shrugged, "As soon as either of them act outside of what you want it's a problem."

"So, you're saying that you wouldn't be worried about Stefan if you were in my position," Elena shot back, "You're not..." there was a deliberate pause and Bonnie winced as Caroline deflated, "But if you were, you wouldn't at least want to know what's going on with Stefan?"

"Of course, I would," Caroline said, "But I would also be secure enough to not be suspicious of his best friend at the same time. Stefan doesn't need to be with someone that can't trust him."

Bonnie pinched the bridge of her nose feeling a headache coming on. Not just due the fact that Caroline seemed to be determined to prey on Elena's insecurities and play up the issues in Stefan and Elena's relationship now that they were surfacing. She understood, she did. They both had so many insecurities where Elena was concerned that it was refreshing to finally see the truth about Elena's insecurities and the fraying at the edges of her and Stefan's relationship. However, Bonnie knew that the more Caroline pushed, the more likely that one of them would say something they'd regret.

It was times like these that Caroline and Elena felt less like they were friends to Bonnie and more like they were sparring partners. And of course, Bonnie was in the middle. If they hadn't grown up together and if they didn't live in a small town, Bonnie doubted they would've sustained their friendship for as long as they had.

"You want to talk to me about trusting my boyfriend when you dumped Tyler because you didn't trust him," Elena said.

Caroline blanched and looked down at her plate.

Bonnie frowned. Stiffened. Thought about her own hookup with Tyler. Stefan wasn't the only one still blowing up Bonnie's phone. "What is she talking about? I thought you said that you'd just wanted to move on." Bonnie tried to keep her tone casual.

"It wasn't that I didn't trust, Tyler," Caroline said, glancing between Bonnie and Elena, "We were just both interested in other people, and we thought it'd be better if we ended things and stayed friends."

Elena's eyes pierced into Caroline, and she looked like a viper ready to strike. The expression brought Katherine to mind, and Bonnie didn't like it. "Who was Tyler interested in? I'd ask about who you're into, but I think we all already know."

"Elena," Bonnie said, her tone hard, "We came here for you. So maybe you should stop trying to bait Caroline, and not bring up a fresh breakup. Especially, seeing as we don't know if you're even still in a relationship."

Bonnie almost added that while Stefan wasn't answering Elena's calls, he would sure as hell answer Bonnie's, but her mouth snapped shut.

Caroline blinked at Bonnie in surprise. Ordinarily, Bonnie tried not to take sides, but she had her own secrets to protect. The more that Bonnie thought about her encounter with Tyler the more unnerving it became. He hadn't hesitated to pursue her. He'd been eager to. As if he had been just waiting for the opportunity to. He hadn't ceased trying to contact her.

Had he wanted her the whole time? While he was with Caroline? Before? Bonnie had suspected as much but knowing the truth was different. Knowing that, Tyler had likely broken up with Caroline to pursue her. Bonnie fought down the feelings of triumph at the thought. And her feelings of jealousy at the thought of Caroline likely wanting to pursue Stefan. Now wasn't the time for her fucked up issues. They had caused her enough problems already.

Caroline placed a hand on Bonnie's shoulder. "Bonnie, you don't have to do that," she said, "I know you don't like being in the middle of things and really, I'm not upset about it. Tyler and I are friends. I want him to be happy, whatever that looks like for him. He wants the same for me." Bonnie only had another moment to wonder if Caroline knew something about her night with Tyler. To dwell on her suspicions that Tyler had told Caroline about them, before the blonde turned back to Elena. "As far as who he's interested in or who I'm interested in," Caroline said, blue eyes narrowed, as Elena rolled hers, "It's none of your business, Elena. What you need to worry about is why your boyfriend isn't answering your calls and why you're more comfortable going to his brother than his best friend to ask for help."

Elena opened her mouth to retort, but Bonnie held up her hand. "Look," she said, feeling exhausted by the entire situation. "We've established that you don't want to go to Lexi with this. You tried Damon and that didn't work. So, the way I see it, you either get off your ass and go yourself. Or find someone you do trust enough to send them to go check on Stefan. Or, and this is the option I would go with, respect that Stefan needs some time to himself and let him come to you when he's ready. I'm not saying you don't have the right to worry about him, but I am saying that if he wanted to talk to you then he would talk to you. So, maybe it'd do you some good to be patient and wait until he does."

Bonnie knew before she even finished the statement that Elena wouldn't chose the latter option. Elena seemed hellbent on getting to the bottom of Stefan's absence and so, it really couldn't be helped.

"I went over the boardinghouse once and Damon brushed me off," Elena said, her tone leading, "So, I doubt there'd be different results if I went back. That leaves me with, asking someone I trust to go and check on him and that person is you, Bonnie."

Bonnie closed her eyes and let out a sigh of discomfort. Of course, it was her. Ever reliable Bonnie. It didn't matter that Bonnie was another woman to Elena because Bonnie was the last person that Elena would feel threatened by even with Stefan being an all-out sex addict. The irony of that wasn't lost to Bonnie. That Elena couldn't imagine Stefan desiring Bonnie even with his addiction when now Bonnie was the only person Stefan desired.

While Bonnie was the person most likely to get Stefan out of his current state of isolation and get Elena the information she wanted, it was for reasons Elena didn't yet realize. It was almost funny. Elena knew about Stefan's addiction and of course the only person that she trusted to be around him was the reliable, prudish, faithful, and hapless Bonnie Bennet. Only, Bonnie wasn't faithful or a prude and because of her own issues that had led to the hookup three days prior, Bonnie was the last person that Elena should trust to go anywhere near Stefan. Yet, she was also the only person Stefan wanted to see.

Bonnie fought the urge to bang her head on the table between them. As much as she hated the idea, it was likely her only way out. If she continued to avoid him, Stefan would probably continue to spiral. If she saw him and made it clear that what had happened couldn't happen again, maybe it would end things once and for all. The only problem was that Bonnie didn't trust herself to end things if she saw Stefan. If he was there in front of her and ready to pick up where they left off.

"I know you don't like to be in the middle of things," Elena said, breaking into Bonnie's thoughts, "But, you can handle Damon if he tries to brush you off. Stefan will know, once he sees you, that I'm worried. You wouldn't bother coming over to see him otherwise. At the very least you can probably convince him to call me and tell me that he's alright."

"What would be the difference between me convincing him and Lexi convincing him?" Bonnie tried, "you said you wanted Stefan to come to you of his own volition. Me being the go between isn't going to give you that."

"The difference is that I trust you," Elena said, "The difference is you're not as close to Stefan so I'll know even if it's you that goes to him that if he contacts me after it will be for my sake and not to appease you or anyone else. I won't know that if Lexi is involved. Like I said before, they're very connected. It's not the same with you."

Bonnie wanted to laugh. Laugh until she sobbed. Laugh until the remnants of her mocha spewed from her nose. But she also wanted to cry. Scream. Pull her hair out. She had gotten herself into this fucked up situation and because of her issues she couldn't even feel guilty about Elena's ignorance. Only darkly amused. Powerful maybe. But she didn't feel like a friend in that moment at all.

Even with everything Bonnie knew she couldn't say no. Because of all the times Bonnie had said yes when it came to her friends and their problems in the past, she knew that it would look more suspicious if she said no. She was backed into a corner. One way or another, it looked like she would have to suck it up and face Stefan.

Bonnie let out a resigned sigh and said, "Fine, I'll drop by. But I'm not staying long, and I won't push if Stefan or Damon ask me to leave."

Elena placed a hand over hers again and beamed. "Thank you, Bonnie."

Bonnie couldn't meet her gaze and so she looked across the room and met the eyes of Vicki Donovan. Suddenly, she saw a lifeline. "Don't worry about. I'm going to take care of the tab. I'll be right back."

Elena thanked her again as Bonnie stood and walked towards the bar where Vicki was pretending to concentrate on refilling salt and pepper shakers. When Bonnie finally got to Vicki the girl gave up the pretense and gave Bonnie her full attention. "What's going on? What do you need?"

Bonnie glanced around and then back at Vicki. "Why are you so willing to help me? Especially, after Stefan and I did exactly what you tried to stop us from doing."

"I've been tempted myself and fallen short a time or two in my recovery," Vicki admitted, "A couple of times with Jeremy. During your off stages. But still. Even if you weren't with him when it happened, I knew that you would be again. He always goes back. He just never tells you the stuff he pulls in the in between and the things he says to keep me and Anna waiting in the wings until you split up when you're back on again. I figure, I owe you, since the 'friend' thing with Jeremy and I, is kind of bullshit. Also, I don't have room to judge."

Bonnie wished she could say that she was shocked by the revelation, but she wasn't. She wasn't really in a place to judge Vicki either. As for Jeremy, he had always been good at disappointing her. What was one more disappointment? While it wasn't as if Bonnie herself had been faithful even before Stefan, she had an addiction. As did Vicki. It was something much harder to control than Jeremy manipulating his way into the beds of his exes during the times he and Bonnie split. He was keeping them all hanging on to be dropped and picked back up again at his convenience. So, he always came back to Bonnie. What did that matter really? He wouldn't if he knew the truth. Especially with Vicki and Anna on standby.

Bonnie brought her attention back to Vicki. "Thanks for being honest," Bonnie said, and then, "I need all the help I can get right now, so, I'll take it." She drummed her nails against the counter before she spoke again. "Stefan's been missing in action since our night together. He won't text or call anyone but me and I haven't been answering so, he's been isolating himself. Elena's worried. She wants me to go check on him because she obviously doesn't know I'm the one who's partially responsible for Stefan's relapse or that he relapsed at all, I agreed to go, to avoid looking suspicious. But if I call him now or even just come over without calling, he'll get the wrong idea. It's not a good idea for me to go alone and I was hoping that maybe you could come with me."

Vicki held up her hand. "I'll call Stefan and let him know you're coming," she said, "Let him know it's for Elena's sake and nothing else. If I go with you, it might not end well considering I'm also in recovery. I probably wouldn't be much help. But I can buy you some time and keep Elena at bay. Matty still has a soft spot for her. He's coming to pick me up today. I'll mention Elena and Stefan are having problems. Matty will coddle her, and she'll bask in all the attention per usual. It'll buy you some time."

Bonnie nodded. "Thanks," she sighed, "I know it's hard for you to get Matt involved considering the history there."

"Yeah, well," Vicki huffed, "If you want to pay me back, just don't do anything stupid." Bonnie watched as Vicki reached into her pocket and pulled out a condom, sliding it across the counter. "And take this in case you do something stupid anyway."

Bonnie raised an eyebrow at her. "I can't tell if you're trying to help us or enable us at this point."

Vicki shrugged. "I'm covering all the bases. If you don't think you'll need then don't take it. I'd honestly rather you didn't. But if you even think there's the slightest chance, you're going to slip up then you should not only take it but should start keeping them on you just in case. I keep a ready supply in case I slip so that at the very least I stay protected. Still, I'm not going to always have one to spare."

Bonnie shook her head. "I did carry them," she frowned, "I used to. Then Tyler happened and I thought it was a bad idea. That having them, even though it kept me safe in a sense, it just made it easier to give in when the impulse hit. There's a fine line between caution and temptation, Vicki."

"If you can trust yourself not to give into temptation then you won't need it," Vicki said, "But if you know there's a chance that you'll cross the line then I'd lean toward caution if I were you."

Bonnie took the condom and slipped it into her purse before taking out her wallet and handing Vicki her card to pay her lunch tab. She tried not to think about what taking it meant. Tried not to hate herself for it. She failed at both.

:::

Stefan Salvatore had been in bed for three days straight. He'd gone through twelve bottles of bourbon. Had hardly eaten. He'd just barely managed to shower. The action was only appealing because the sound of the spray drowned out his moans of Bonnie's name as he took himself in hand. The only other thing he'd made sure of was that his cell phone was charged because the only other thing he had done during his self-imposed exile outside of drink and masturbate to thoughts of Bonnie with her pair of ripped panties from their one night together in hand, was text and call Bonnie nonstop.

The logical part of his brain knew that his behavior was obsessive, erratic, and self-destructive. That he was probably scaring her. He was scaring himself. But the irrational part of his brain didn't give a damn. It was a familiar pattern in a way. Except he only had one target this time and their night together hadn't led to him spiraling or calling on someone else to get his fix. He didn't want anyone else. Still, the long absence and shutting himself in was familiar after he indulged and so he wasn't all surprised that, while he hadn't gotten any call backs from Bonnie, there were several missed calls from Elena as well as his best friend Lexi Branson. His brother Damon had tried and failed his hand at persuading Stefan to leave his room and so he had settled for setting out food before he went out in the mornings and again in the evenings when he came home, which were the only times Stefan had eaten.

The shut-in behavior usually only came when the guilt did. When the regret did. It was present but not for the reasons Stefan expected it to be. He didn't regret being with Bonnie. He didn't feel guilty about cheating on Elena. The guilt had stemmed from the fact that he was certain that part of the reason Bonnie hadn't responded to any of his attempts at contact was because she regretted their night together. The regret had stemmed from the fact that he had obliterated Bonnie's own road to recovery in order to satiate his own selfish desires.

He just wanted to see her. To talk to her. To prove all his dark thoughts wrong. To open her up. To bury himself inside of her. To leave marks on her skin with teeth and tongue. Now that he could finally feel something emotional alongside the lust, he felt addicted to the newness of it. To the sensation of feeling warmth and connection alongside the desire. Bonnie seemed to be the key to appeasing both the human in search of atonement and the monster that was hidden and could never be satiated. However, he wouldn't seek her out. He didn't feel as if he had the right to. Especially with her avoiding contacting him.

Stefan's phone rang and he dug it out from under the covers atop his bed. He looked down at the screen and sighed as Vicki Donavan's name flashed. He ignored the call without thought and stared up at the ceiling from where he lay sprawled out on his bed. A moment later his phone vibrated, and Stefan glanced down to see a text message notification from Vicki. He went to ignore it again only to freeze when he saw Bonnie's name.

Stefan opened the message. It's about Bonnie, it read, answer the phone you jackass.

Vicki called again and this time Stefan answered. "You're fucking pathetic, you know that?" Vicki said into his ear a moment later. "You don't answer anyone for days and I mention Bonnie's name and suddenly you know how to use a phone again."

Stefan exhaled. Closed his eyes. "No judgement, remember," he said, "It's not my fault you put me up on some pedestal to help your recovery."

Vicki sighed. "You're right," she said, "Of course, you're right. I just...what is it about her Stefan?" There was something almost wistful in Vicki's voice. There was something more resigned as well.

Stefan shook his head. "I don't know," he said honestly, "If I knew maybe I could control it. Resist it. It's no one thing in particular, but it's everything at the same time. I can't really explain it."

"Jeremy is like that for me except it's not real. I know that. Even when I don't want to. I don't know what this is for you. Maybe I could help if I did." There was a pause. "Bonnie's coming over," she revealed after a moment, "Not for you. Elena's worried about you so she asked Bonnie to intervene the way that she always does whenever she has a problem. Bonnie told me she's been trying to stay away from you, but she didn't want Elena to be suspicious, so she felt like she didn't have a choice but to come check on you. I told her not to do anything stupid. I advise you the same."

Stefan let out a dry laugh. "What if it doesn't feel stupid? What if it just feels right?"

"That's the problem with us addicts," Vicki said, laughing in turn, "What's feels right for us is never right for anyone else."

Stefan wanted to respond with, "Screw everyone else," but knew the moment he did all hell would be lost. So instead, he said, "Guess I should do what feels wrong then, huh?" Staying away from Bonnie felt wrong but it was the right thing to do.

Vicki laughed again. "You can't even trust that. Sometimes what feels wrong one moment feels right the next."

"Then what the hell do I do Vicki?" Stefan asked. He ran a hand over his face. He knew what he wanted to do.

He knew what felt right. What everyone else would think was wrong. Still, he needed someone to tell him it was wrong. To guilt him out of it. But he knew that just like it was wrong for Vicki to put him on a pedestal, it was wrong for him to rely on her to talk him out of giving in to his worse impulses.

"I don't know, Stefan," Vicki muttered, "But whatever you do, you'll still have me. No judgment."

It wasn't the guilt trip he had hoped for, but it was what he needed to hear and so Stefan sat up as the line went dead. He cleared the empty bottles of bourbon out of his room. Brought the empty bottles and the now empty food tray Damon had left that morning before going in to work down to the kitchen. He went back upstairs to his room. Made his bed. Brushed his teeth. Took another shower. Cold this time. Just barely fought the urge to touch himself. Got out of the shower. Dressed in fresh clothes. Shaved the stubble from his face. Splashed cold water on his face until he felt a little less like he was going to crawl out of his skin. Dried his face off. Went back downstairs. Sat on the couch in the parlor and waited.

He felt idle. Listless. Had felt that way since watching Bonnie walk through the door of her apartment and shut it behind her. He should've gone back to group. Called Jonas. Called his therapist. Called Lexi. Talked to Damon. Talked to anyone that would help him get back on track. But those things wouldn't make the restlessness go away. Those things wouldn't ground him. Somehow only Bonnie could do that, even as she unended him completely at the same time. So, he waited.

The knock came ten minutes later. Stefan's hands shook as he stood. He told himself as he walked toward the door that he would follow Bonnie's lead. He'd do whatever she needed, even if that meant keeping his distance.

However, as Stefan opened the door his resolve was shot to hell. Bonnie stood at the threshold in a white off the shoulder top and a short lavender wrap skirt clutching her purse in hand. The exposed skin seemed to be taunting him. Stefan couldn't read Bonnie's expression. Couldn't tell if it was intentional or not.

"Elena asked me to come," Bonnie said, her eyes not quite meeting his.

Stefan nodded. "I know. Vicki called."

Bonnie bit her bottom lip and Stefan inhaled sharply. The sun shone behind her and seemed to cast her in a warm glow. She looked beautiful. She always looked so beautiful. She met his gaze finally. "You look like shit," she said.

"I looked worse before I found out you were coming over," he admitted.

Bonnie swallowed. "I know," she sighed, "Only because I would look like shit too if I wasn't trying to keep up appearances." She paused. Looked away again as she spoke. "I'm sorry I didn't answer you when you called. Or texted. I wanted to. I couldn't. It wasn't a good idea."

"I know," Stefan whispered, "It wasn't a good idea to call so much either. Or to text. Or to leave all those messages. But I wanted to see you. I missed you." He was being transparent but also a bit manipulative. In the state that he was in, it was hard to tell the difference. "Do you regret being with me?"

Bonnie shifted uncomfortably under his gaze. "I wish I could."

Stefan took a step forward, brush his fingers down her arm in a light touch. "Do you want to come inside?"

"Stefan we can't...," Bonnie huffed, shaking her head, "Just call Elena. She's worried about you."

She turned to leave, and Stefan's hand shot out before he could stop himself. He caught her by the wrist, needing to feel skin against skin even if it was in a small way. "Bonnie, please."

"This isn't going to end well," Bonnie said, even as she allowed herself to be pulled backward, "I don't want to hurt you."

Stefan pulled her against him, wrapped his arms around her waist from behind. He leaned down and murmured in her ear. "I wouldn't care if you did. You can do whatever want. Just stay." The words came in part because he meant them and in part because he knew what they would do to her. "I want you. You want me, don't you?"

Bonnie shook her head and twisted around in his arms. Stefan expected to be pushed away but instead her touch was gentle as her hands came up to frame his face. "I do, but you know that," she sighed, "I want you. I want to do the easy thing. The lazy thing. The wrong thing. I want to let you take me to bed and not think about the consequences. Not leave. Not face whatever would be on the other side of that decision. But I know what that would do to you. To both of us. So, I'm going to do the work for the both of us. I'm going to walk away. I'm going to end this. You should call Elena."

Stefan's grip tightened where his hands clutched her waist. A reflex. Preparation for her to step away from him. He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, relishing the shudder she gave the touch. She pulled back a moment later and frowned. "I know," he said, "I'm sorry. I'm not as strong as you. I heard you. I know you're right."

"I'm not this strong, Stefan," Bonnie sighed, "I'm just scared of what will happen if we don't end this right here, right now."

Stefan frowned but nodded. He let his hands slip from Bonnie's body and drop to the side. Of course, she was the strong one even if she denied it. But he wasn't sure how long that strength would last and decided to say as much, "Do you really think it'll be over? Just like that?"

"No," Bonnie shrugged, "But we've both established that we're great liars. Especially, when it comes to lying to ourselves. What's one more day? One more lie?"

Stefan leaned down pressed a kiss to Bonnie's forehead. "I'll do what you want. I'll call Elena. And when you're ready to give into what you really want, I'll do that too. I'm at your whim."

"That's not fair," Bonnie said, "This can't all be on me."

"I know," Stefan agreed, "It's not. I could agree with you now. I could say no to you if you approach me later. I could do a lot of things to stop this. Whatever this is. I just don't want to. I don't want to do the work. I don't to fight this. Not right now at least. And that's on me and only me. But I won't push either. So, we're at a standstill." She had given him what he needed in that moment. If he pushed, he'd feel guilty. He clung to that guilt. The guilt he'd feel if he upended Bonnie's life for his own desires. If he tried to break her resolve after she was there in front of him being so strong. It would be enough for now. It had to be.

"At a standstill," Bonnie repeated on a nod, "Maybe if neither one of us pushes it'll stay that way. Maybe if we stop here, it'll end on its own. It'll fade. We'll forget it ever happen."

"Yeah," Stefan whispered, "Maybe." Another lie.

Bonnie stepped back then, turned around and walked away from him. Stefan watched her leave. Watched her look back. He watched her walk forward and look back again. He wasn't surprised. One thing an addict didn't have much of was resolve.

She didn't climb into her Prius until Damon's car pulled up into the driveway. Stefan watched her drive off even as his brother parked his car, got out, and began walking up the drive.

"Look who decided to rejoin the land of the living," Damon joked as he approached. "You want to tell me what the hermit routine was about this time?"

Stefan shook his head. "Nothing important." Another lie. "Got tempted. Thought about relapsing."

Damon raised a brow. "But you didn't?"

Stefan shook his head again. "Nope."

"Was that Bonnie that just left?" Damon asked, "What was she doing here?"

Stefan shrugged. "Elena was worried. Sent Bonnie to check since you blew her off when she came over. Bonnie just wanted to make sure I was alright. That I called Elena. She helped me sort some things out."

Damon huffed. "You mean judgy didn't relish in knowing you have imperfections?"

Stefan rolled his eyes. "I doubt Elena was completely transparent about things. About my addiction. But even if she had been, Bonnie isn't as judgmental as you'd like to think. She's understanding, loyal, insightful, and there's a lot more under the surface than most people think. We're alike in that way." The last statement was far too close to the truth.

Damon was back to frowning. His eyes narrowed and Stefan realized he had said too much. "So, Bonnie just came over for a chat and that's it?" He pressed.

"Yeah," Stefan said, "That's it. Even if I was interested in more in my current state, she's too loyal to Elena to do something like that."

"Right," Damon's expression calmed, but his tone remained sharp, "I wouldn't think she would. But neither would you under ordinary circumstances. The thing is your tastes are pretty indiscriminate when you're off the rails. When you're in deep, you're good at being manipulative. You've tricked more than one woman into thinking they can save you from yourself. Elena included. Bonnie is a people pleaser, and she has that whole savior complex thing happening. She'd be an easy target. So, I have to ask. Are you sure you're not interested?"

"I'm sure. I'm not interested," Stefan said. Because what was another lie?