Females. Why, oh why, did it have to be females?

Now, I will admit, I am not the most socially intelligent person out there. This is coming from the guy who spent the majority of his childhood indoors talking to droids after all. I mean, there was the occasional online troll, but I hardly count them as real people. But even someone who wasn't socially inept could probably agree that women are just plain complicated. They tend to have a bad habit of utilizing tactical manipulation which, more often than not, goes over men's heads.

See, in general, males have a more mechanical mindset, processing only the base information given to them. So, if there's something they're not made aware of, they won't address it, and that really rustles a woman's jimmies. It's partially why I lean slightly more towards men in terms of preferences. They're just more direct with what they want, y'know?

But now here comes a lady knight in a never-ending wave of hotties straight up begging to join my party, all while getting flustered over it. Even my brain, with all its insidious intellect, needed a minute to reboot.

This had to be the single best/worst thing that's happened to me so far since reincarnating. I mean, what am I supposed to do here? If my enemies were around to witness this, I'd take her in without so much as a second thought. I swear it would have nothing to do with peer pressure. Really, I swear.

But, realistically speaking, she would probably end up distracting me with her feminine wiles. So what is a teen genius to do?

…

I think…for the sake of my goals…as well as my sanity, it's best if I don't rope her into this. Besides, I know she's way out of my league anyway.

"Err, sorry, ma'am, but I don't think- -"

Darkness interrupted, "I couldn't help but notice that those two girls accompanying you earlier were drenced in some kind of mucus. Tell me, what horrors befell on them to make that happen?"

Aaaaaaand going straight for the hard-hitting questions. If this knight thinks I was responsible for what happened to those two idiots, it's gonna be a one-way trip to the dungeons for sure!

"O-oh! T-that old thing? Uuhh, heheh, well, funny story about that – trust me it's a real knee-slapper. Uh…we had a nasty encounter with some Giant Frogs and- -"

The Crusader gasped out loud in shock. At first I thought she was repulsed, but then again, people who are repulsed don't usually sport a mean blush and squeeze their eyes in...What was that? Pleasure?

Speaking of squeezing, that's exactly what she did to my forearm after she had her little moment. Ever had your arm get caught underneath a hydraulic press by mistake? Long story short, I had an accident in the lab and wasn't paying attention to my workspace. I'm fine now, the MedBots did wonders on me. But compared to the strength of Darkness' grip, I think I would happily relive that accident any day of the week.

So don't point and laugh at me for tearing up, it's completely justified!

"Th-that settles it!" she loudly blurted. "I implore you to sign me up on your team; I can start work immediately!"

"WOAH WOAH WOAH! Now wait a minute!" I shouted, trying to block out the pain of having my forearm crushed. "I'm flattered that you want this open spot so bad, really, I am. But to be brutally honest with you, our team is hot garbage. In fact, it's practically a dumpster fire!"

"I would not mind that."

"…Yeah, well, we almost got eaten alive just this evening- -"

Her grip somehow became stronger. I let out a strangled, high-pitched cry as a single teardrop slid down my cheek. I now yearn for the hydraulic press more than ever.

"Oh, I would not mind that either~!"

Darkness invaded my well-maintained personal bubble and got so up close in my face, our noses were just a centimeter away from sharing an Eskimo kiss. I-I don't know how to handle anything anymore, I'm scared!

"As I stated before, I am very clumsy and in no way good in swordplay. Why, just recently I was kicked out of Galil's party for my atrocious accuracy. However, I insist that you let me join your party instead! I'll blend in so well with your trashy team, it'll be as though I'm not even there!"

I was currently basking in her hot, minty breath. Her face was burning up, her cheeks looked about as red as my hair, and her blue eyes bore holes into my red ones; a minuscule glimmer of insanity present within them.

I had to get out of there, pronto.

I scooped the money off the table as I nervously blabbed, "Yeah, uh, Darkness was it? I don't think tonight's really a good night to discuss this, I've got a splitting headache coming on. So if you don't mind, let's take a rain check on this, okay? Great, thanks, BYE!"

I already walked past her by the time I finished my rushed excuse. Out of the corner of my eye, I could've sworn I saw her face morph into confusion and…was there a hint of disappointment mixed in there?

Never mind. I got out of the guild and made a beeline for the stables where Aqua was already fast asleep. I skipped out on making the basic parts for my JackBots that night. Instead, I did a lot of tossing and turning in the haystack.

I...may or may not have had to take care of some "unfinished business" that same night too.

"Okay, another day, another dollar," I said to myself. "Or eris, actually, since that's the unit of currency here."

I told Aqua to head to the guild without me and that I'd meet up with her and Megumin later. I wanted to stay behind in the stables to get a head start on constructing endoskeletons for the JackBots, seeing as how certain..."complications" from last night disrupted my concentration. My goal was to transfer the memory files of the JackBots I was repairing back on Earth (I'll figure it out how soon enough) and upload them into new bodies. After that, I'll probably make some BuilderBots to help me build a secret lab once I improve upon my cheat skill.

After making some decent progress in my work, I put on my contact lenses and walked outside. Y'know, I'm grateful I had my contacts on me when I died and all, but would it have killed the Council of Heaven or whatever to supply me with some SPF 30? Even if this planet has a stronger ozone layer than Earth's, the sun's ultraviolet rays still pose a risk factor to my skin. I just hope there's a merchant around here that sells something similar to sunblock. Until then, I'll have to avoid staying outside longer than I have to during daylight hours.

Thankfully, the trip to the guild didn't take all that long and I soon returned to my natural environment: indoors. I scanned the crowd for my teammates and spotted Megumin over at the bar counter with Yunyun and Satou. She seemed to be in a heated argument with the pervy Japanese while his well-endowed associate sat quietly in her stool like a timid child watching her parents fight. I may have to butt in just to see what's what.

As for Aqua…

"Nature's Beauty~!"

Ugh.

She was entertaining the patrons on the second-floor balcony. From what I could tell, the dope was magically popping water lilies out from her hands, with each flower spewing a small fountain of water. She was twirling them around while simultaneously waving Japanese paper fans. It sounded like the adventurers were enjoying her little circus performance.

Aqua noticed me observing her from down below and gleefully skipped to the rail of the balcony. "Jack, look! I used all my skill points to learn this new magic skill called Nature's Beauty! Pretty fitting move for a water goddess, wouldn't ya say?"

She spent the few remaining skill points she had on a non-combative skill? Alright, where are the cameras – I must be getting punked. It's one thing if she had some points leftover and just wanted to goof off. But no, she pooled in all of hers into a useless party trick.

Well, I gotta admit, a useless goddess learning a useless move is pretty fitting indeed.

I mumbled a halfhearted agreement and walked away before she had any time to say something back. Now, I was originally going to walk up to Megumin mid-sentence and ask her what all the fuss was about, but something told me I was better off eavesdropping. That way, I can get a better sense of the argument within its context and then ask for more juicy info once she was done blowing her top.

So, I casually stood a couple tables away and strained my ears to listen to what Megumin was snapping at Satou for.

"I swear to every benevolent and malevolent god that exists, if I find out you've been using her to pursue your own sexual advances- -"

"I already told you, I was just trying to straighten out her tie! And here you come barging in accusing me of fondling her tits!"

"Do you think I was born yesterday? I know your type and I keep up with the local gossip! You're the perv that commits lecherous acts against girls under some misguided pretense of 'gender equality'. No wonder people call you Kazutrash and Krapzuma!"

"Hey – WHO THE HELL HAS BEEN CALLING ME THAT!?"

"Ummm…guys? Don't I get a say in this?"

"Stay outta this, Yunyun!" x2

Once again, I couldn't help but feel for that Yunyun girl. Being fought over like a toy must not be fun for her at all. She needs to take some initiative if she wants to make it in the real world. I know I had to since a young age.

Also, was Satou Kazuma some kind of predator? I don't know the guy personally and I get the importance of the 'don't judge a book by its cover' saying, but this is the second time I've heard of him assaulting girls. Maybe I should keep an eye out on him just in case. Rape is something I just can't condone. You gotta draw a line in the evil sand somewhere.

Satou defended, "Look, regardless of rumors, I'm not violating my partner. She saved my ass from a Giant Frog and ran away before I could even thank her. I just figured she needed a friend was all. Hell, I'm even trying to get her open up a little more; just so she doesn't walk down the road of a shut-in. Now could you please let us go already?"

Megumin stared long and hard at Satou. She broke her gaze to briefly glance at Yunyun, who became startled and looked down to the floor.

The little pyrotechnician sighed, "Alright, I'll take your word for it. But if I ever catch you making moves on her, it's an Explosion to the face. Got it!?"

Satou nodded frantically before urging Yunyun to follow him. She complied, but not before saying to Megumin, "D-don't count this as a legitimate victory! The next time we cross paths, we'll have an official duel to settle our long-standing score!"

The duo left, leaving Megumin to slump into a stool and order something to eat. I decided to slide right into the seat next to hers as the food came.

I noted how she wolfed down her brunch like it was the last meal she would ever come across. When we first met, she did mention that she hadn't had anything to eat in three whole days. Not only that, but in my professional opinion, she also seemed a little too petite for a girl her age.

Could...could she be suffering from malnutrition?

Whenever I get around to it, I'll have to draw up some blueprints for an invention that can solve our little hunger crisis. Megumin needs her calories and Jack needs his sugar, damnit! Plus, with my magical know-how acquired from conducting experiments on Shen Gong Wu, I could incorporate elements of the occult into the functionality of my invention; thus, I could in theory create a vending-machine that can infinitely restock itself! That magic printer might make for an ideal template to work off of…

Get it together, brain. Question Megumin about the fight already! You can think about snacks later.

"Soooo, uh, what was all the commotion about?" I asked as casually as possible.

Megumin washed down her latest bite with some water before slamming her cup on the countertop. "Nothing. Just making sure that perv doesn't step outta line."

"I take it Yunyun's a close friend of yours?"

"She's an acquaintance at best. For as long as I can remember, Yunyun's always been my self-proclaimed rival even though she can never take the hint. Every time she bumps into me, it's 'let's duel' this and 'let's duel' that. UGH! It's like, 'Stop using that lame excuse and just ask me upfront if you wanna hang out'! She can be so damn indecisive…"

Jeez, a simple no would've done the trick.

"If she gets on your nerves that much, then why bother having her back?"

Megumin gave me her version of the evil eye (which was enhanced by the crimson glow) before answering, "Because I'm not heartless. Look, Yunyun's a good person, albeit a tad naïve. Because she's not as extroverted as the rest of my clan, she was doomed to be ostracized. Funifura and Dodonko, these two former classmates, would prey upon her loneliness by pretending to be her friends just to mooch off of her. Yunyun is desperate for companionship, and that makes her a prime target for scummy individuals. That's why I got suspicious when I heard she allied herself with that Satou creep."

Sweet evil, the relatability of this fucking hurts. Time to lighten the mood before things get uncomfortable! "Oh, is that so? Are you sure it has nothing to do with him making off with your girl? Wink, wink~?"

Megumin nearly choked on a cooked carrot after that bit of teasing. After clearing her throat, she fumbled all over her words just like how I used to do with my ex crush.

"E-eh!? Sh-shut the hell up! Don't go comparing us to forbidden lovers in a romantic play!"

Megumin stubbornly went back to eating her brunch in silence after that. Ah, denial: the first stage of…wait, what was it the first stage of again? Crap, my train of thought got derailed from thinking about snacks. Oh well, it happens to the best of us.

To keep my discombobulated brainium from pulling another fast one on me, I pulled out my Adventurer Card to examine it. When I leveled up the other day, I was also awarded four skill points to spend on skills. However, I had no idea how the mechanics of that even worked. Do I go to a shop and trade the points in for skills? Who knows! Video game worlds seriously need more menus.

"Hey Megumin, how do I learn a new skill? I see some options on my card here, but I don't know how to actually get them, y'know?"

The Archwizard halted her fork from reaching her mouth and tiredly answered my question. "First, you have to find someone with a skill you want and have them teach you how to use it. After you do, the skill will appear on your card. Then all that's left to do is to tap your pictograph in the top right corner to confirm the skill purchase."

Oooh, I see. So my card is the menu. Clever.

"Okay, I'm picking up what you're putting down. So if I had enough skill points to learn, let's say, Explosion magic, I'd have to come to you for that department, right?"

Megumin nearly gave me a damn heart attack when she shot out of her seat and got up close and personal with my face. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she had somehow gotten ahold of the Shard of Lightning when I wasn't looking.

"YES, EXACTLY! That's all you'd have to do, Jack! If you ever wanna learn Explosion magic, I can teach you as much as you want! When you really stop to think about it, is there any other skill that's more worthwhile to learn? No, there most certainly is not. Just say the word and we shall walk the path of Explosions together!"

"Easy there, kid! I was just being hypothetical! I don't even want a move that'll leave me KO'd. That's your signature thing, not mine."

The spastic little arsonist just sat in her seat and stared at her food after I pushed her off me. It was only her second day on the team and she was already giving me the cold shoulder? What the heck? Was it something I said?

She scoffed, "Really…? I'm the kid around here?" And then went back to eating her food as though the conversation never happened. What a brat!

Before I could get a chance to unleash my infamous evil back-sass onto this smug piece of work, a voice approached me from behind. "Ah, there you are Mr. Spicer! I trust a good night's rest cured you of your headache?"

My blood ran cold. Darkness occupied the empty stool on my left and swiveled her body to face me. She fished something out of her pockets and presented her fist. She unfurled it to reveal a handful of gold coins.

"You were in such a rush last night, you accidentally spilled some of your eris on the floor and didn't pick it up. I thought I would make good on my Code of Chivalry and return this money to its rightful owner. Here you are, free of charge of course!"

She flashed an award-winning smile my way after making that decent play on words. It felt like an eternity passed between staring at Darkness and collecting my missing change. Well, she seemed to be acting normal at least, so that's good. God, I hope I'm not blushing stupidly right now.

Come on, Jack, why are you like this!? Did you learn nothing from your one-sided obsession with Chase? Besides, it's not like you'll ever have a shot with her anyway!

Megumin asked if I knew who this person was and Darkness answered for me. "I met him here last night. We were discussing an opening in his party that I could potentially fill. So, Jack, about that- -"

I immediately cut her off with a stilted laugh as I strung together a series of words that would hopefully deter her from joining. "Ha-ha! Hey, listen, Darkness, great work, love the enthusiasm and persistence, but, unfortunately, I just don't think you're Jack Spicer material. So if you could just run along now we'll never have to see each other ever again. Great? Greeeeat."

The reaction from the blonde Crusader wasn't one I was expecting. She took a sharp intake of air, swung her whole upper torso around like a tire swing, and tightly hugged herself while blushing madly. "Rejected after I did a good deed for someone! This is certainly a first…Groan~"

I gawked at the smiling knight. She actually liked being turned down? Also, why did she just say the word "groan" aloud like that? That was kinda weird.

"That's not how you do it, Darkness~ You'll scare people away if you're that pushy."

Suddenly, another girl stepped into the picture and stood beside Darkness. She had light purple hair and was wearing a small green cloak, cyan scarf, bikini top with one strap, denim shorts, gloves, white knee-high socks, and boots. There was also a noticeable scar that left its imprint on her right cheek.

She introduced herself, "Sorry, my friend here can get a little excited sometimes. Name's Chris, I'm both a thief and a looker~ Pleased to meet ya!"

Finally, a chick who seemed to be somewhat competent. I was beginning to suspect all the girls in this universe were either unhelpful or batshit crazy.

"I couldn't help overhear your uncertainty on what skills to get," Chris said to me. "Might I make a suggestion?"

"Sure, I am pretty desperate at this point. Lay it on me."

"Why not try for some thief skills? They only cost one point each and can be extremely useful when done right. In fact, if you buy me a beer, I'd be more than happy to teach you some."

Chris may as well have been a bard instead of a thief because that sounded like music to my ears! Even though I've stressed before that I'm not exactly what you'd call a hugger, I just had to make an exception with this girl. It was the only way to properly express the relief fireworks going off inside my head!

"Oh, thank you thank you thank you! You're a godsend!"

A sudden sharp pain in my lower abdomen made me recoil away. I promptly sank to my knees, clutching my stomach and groaning the whole way.

"Sorry for decking you like that," Chris apologized. "But you were hugging me for way longer than I was comfortable with. 3-second rule, please remember that."

"R-Read ya loud and clear...aurgh..."

After I bought Chris a drink, she told me to meet up with her outside to help me dip my toes into the world of thief Skills. My only condition was that it had to be in an area with a decent amount of shade. I wasn't about to risk getting skin cancer just to learn how to pickpocket or whatever.

Our meetup spot ended up being in a street lined with tall, connected buildings that offered some nice protection from the blazing sun. Darkness (the person, not the shade) was also there as she insisted on watching from me the sidelines for some reason. A little weird but alright I guess.

Chris clapped her hands to gain my attention, much like what Mrs. Cornhaven would do whenever she caught me daydreaming. "Alrighty, let's get started! Now, you'll find that there are a variety of thief Skills for a variety of situations. It all depends on what you're trying to accomplish: sneak into a noble's manor, detect hidden treasure, all that good stuff. But I'll show you one of my favorites."

Chris randomly shot her fist in my direction and shouted, "Steal!" A bright flash of light emanated from her hand and I immediately shielded my light-sensitive eyes. Before I could lash out and teach her a thing or two about how albinism affects my vision, I noticed something off about my pockets.

They felt suspiciously lighter than I last remembered.

As I frantically patted myself down, Chris giggled and presented a small money pouch from within her- -

"Hey, wait a minute – my money pouch! How'd you do that!?"

The spunky girl explained, "That right there was a thief Skill called Steal. It nabs one random item and the better the luck, the better the score. Anyway, Catch!"

Chris tossed the pouch my way and I had to fumble with it for a bit before I finally caught it. She proceeded to giggle from watching me juggle like that, Normally whenever somebody giggles at my expense, I'm either flustered or annoyed. But, for whatever reason, I actually found it to be kind of endearing coming from her. How come I can never get teammates like that?

"Hey, quick question? What if you use Steal and your luck stat isn't so high like yours truly?"

"Well, then it just means you're less likely to swipe something valuable. But c'mon, I'm sure you're just overreacting. Your luck can't be that bad."

I handed Chris my Adventurer Card. "Read it and watch me weep."

Chris' light purple eyes skimmed my card. They slowly widened in horror before she made an attempt to speak. "Holy…oh my gods, I…I'm so sorry. I don't know what Eris must've been thinking when deciding on your luck."

"Eris? What do you mean?" I questioned.

As Darkness leaned over her friend's shoulder to read my card, she explained, "Eris is the goddess of fortune and luck. Those who disrespect her or commit bad deeds in life will more often than not take a toll on their luck stat – oh my word! I had no idea a stat could go that low...Ooooh, you must be vile~"

So, Eris is the one responsible for making my already hard life harder? The goddess that sent me and Aqua to this medieval rock?

Well…shit.

"Woah, your intelligence stat more than makes up for your luck though!" Chris shouted. "I'd bet my magic dagger that even Norse scholars in their prime couldn't hold a candle to your smarts!"

Chris handed me my card back and gripped my shoulder tightly. I stared at her as she stared back with resolve in her eyes. "Listen, don't let your misfortune bring you down, okay? Luck isn't even all that essential for adventuring anyway. They say, 'brains beat brawn', and if that expression holds water, then you're capable of accomplishing whatever you set your mind to. The world is your oyster, dude!"

…Dang...that sounded exactly like something YesBot would say to me after a long day of beatings…And you know what? Both make a great point. The world really is my oyster, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let it get away from me! That mollusk is mine for the taking!

"Gee, thanks Chris..." I muttered sheepishly.

"Don't mention it. We just need to find you another Skill you can utilize. Why not check your card and see what else tickles your fancy?"

Nodding, I took a look at my options and noticed something interesting. Before, in the Skill section, all that was listed were some basic magic spells. But now I was also seeing some Skills in the Thief class. When Chris demonstrated Steal for me, did that somehow unlock skills that were previously restricted for me? I remember Luna mentioning how the Adventurer class was the only one of its kind capable of learning Skills from other classes. The only downside was that they wouldn't be as powerful as the originals. So I guess you could say I'm a Jack-of-all-trades.

If I weren't already a mad scientist, I'd be a stand-up comedian for sure.

Let's save the jokes for later and check out what skills I can learn:

Lurk. 1 skill point. Allows the user to blend into the shadows for a short time, granting temporary invisibility.

Basically, it's the Shroud of Shadows minus the shroud. Got it.

Farsight. 1 skill point. Grants incredible eyesight, allowing the user to see vast distances with crystal clarity. Also includes night vision.

Given my crappy vision, this is a must-have for me!

Enemy Detection. 1 skill point. Allows the user to sense enemy presence within the surrounding area.

Useful, unlike Aqua. Definitely gotta have it in my arsenal.

Bind. 1 skill point. Summons ropes that magically tie up an enemy.

Magically tie up my enemies, eh? Just thinking about all the evil I can do with that skill gets me fired up! I'm sold!

I showed Chris the skills I selected, and she nodded in approval. "Great selection. I see you choose Bind as your alternative to Steal. That's really handy when you're trying to escape from a tight situation. Now, tap your pictograph on the card to learn the skills."

When I tapped the words on my card, they glowed like I had selected them on a game menu. I gave my pictograph a tap and was greeted with a sensation that I could only describe as ethereal. My whole body emanated an earthly glow and it felt as though all my nerves were being fired off simultaneously. I doubt my words could accurately describe what exactly I was experiencing, but, to me, it felt as though my very DNA was being rewritten via a mystical influence...

I'll build a DNA sequencer to test this theory as soon as I move out of the stables.

The glow and tingling feeling subsided, and I turned to the upbeat thief for further instruction. She gave me an encouraging smile which soon morphed into a mischievous smirk. "Say, how about we have ourselves a little showdown? Y'know, to keep ya on your toes and make sure you're learning."

Oh great, looks like I've met this world's equivalent to Katnappé. And she wants to have a showdown of all things!? I guess you can never truly escape your past.

"Here's the rules: I'm gonna try to trap you using my Bind skill. If you can successfully dodge my attacks and use your own Bind skill on me, you're free to swipe my magic dagger. By the way, it's worth more than 400,000 eris. Just thought I'd mention~"

Is that smug I smell? Oh, I think it is. Alrighty then, I'll show her what happens when you get smug with the one and only Jack Spicer!

"However, if you get 'tongue-tied' so to speak, I get free dibs on your money. We got a deal?"

Darkness chimed in by saying, "Chris, please do not put this poor man's money on the line!"

Chris waved her friend off, "It's fine, Darkness, life's all about taking risks. How else is he gonna get accustomed to the adventurer lifestyle? It's a dog eat dog world out there, after all."

Sly and knowledgeable. It's a shame she's not on my team. Oh well, thieves tend to work best when they're alone.

Chris turned back to me. "Anyway, the choice is yours. You can either accept the showdown and learn a valuable life lesson in survival of the fittest, or you can play it safe and be a killjoy. I warn you, though, I might let word slip that a guild member with the weakest job was too chicken to seek glory when the opportunity presented itself to him. That might not go over well with the seasoned veterans. Nothing personal, I'm just not a fan of stick-in-the-muds. Your call, Jackie Boy."

What!? Okay, that tears it! Nobody calls me Jackie Boy except for YesBot and sometimes Mom! BUT ONLY SOMETIMES!

"GONG YI TANPAI!"

Chris stared at me for an uncomfortably long amount of time. It was only broken when she turned her head over to Darkness, who shrugged.

"It basically means 'ready, set, go'," I explained without any fanfare.

Blinking for a bit, Chris smiled and gave a slight, albeit hesitant, nod. "Alright, whatever you say, dude. Bind!"

Thick strands of rope suddenly shot out of the her hand, slithering through the air like angry snakes. A totally masculine grunt escaped my throat as I just barely managed to twist my body out of the way. "Hey – I wasn't ready yet!"

"You want some cheese with that whine?" mocked the thief. "Bind!"

Chris kept spamming Bind as I tested the flexibility of my body at every turn. For a split second, I thought I had Vietnam flashbacks of all the times when I got tied up, whether it be by the Silk Spitter, Tangle Web Comb, or Clay's lasso. All those embarrassing moments of my life left wriggling helplessly at the hands of my enemies and allies alike. Their mocking, self-righteous, pitying eyes glowering me down as I struggled to break free…

Well not this time! "Bind!"

I activated my move the second I hopped out of the way of another one of Chris' attacks. The ropes I summoned were reaching her at a breakneck pace. Here we go, baby!

"Skill Bind!" Chris shouted. And just like that, my ropes up and vanished the second she stuck her hand out. I attempted to summon more ropes from my hand, but nothing came out. What's going on here!?

Chris giggled, "Gotta hand it to ya, you did pretty well. Didn't think you'd last that long against me."

"What did you do just then, with the ropes?" I grilled, although I sounded more flabbergasted than interrogative in retrospect.

Darkness was the one who answered my question, "That move she made back there was a skill called Skill Bind. It locks the opponent from using their skills in battle. But do not worry, it isn't permanent. You should be able to use skills again in about an hour or so."

"You mean to tell me I risked going broke for nothing!?"

Chris sauntered over and placed her hand comfortingly on my shoulder. "Think of it like this: you didn't earn my magic dagger, but you did earn my mad respect. Not a whole lotta of newbies can say that they've impressed a seasoned adventurer like that. Which is why I'll let rumors spread about your accomplishment. You're welcome~"

The thieving girl then gave me a pat on the back and turned to walk away. So, she knew exactly what she was doing from the very start, huh? I gotta admit, that was genius even by my standards. I should've known she wasn't willing to give up a valuable weapon that easily. I may not have a priceless magic dagger, but I did manage to impress a professional thief; that alone should bump up mad street cred! Looks like things are coming up Jack!

Suddenly, Darkness slid next to me and whispered, "Mr. Spicer? You might want to check your pockets."

I simply took her word for it and pulled my pant pockets inside out. Then I pulled my coat coat pockets inside out. Each and every one of them turned up empty…

"Hey! Where's my money pouch!?"

Chris was still a little ways away and had yet to exit the street. In one hand, I could see her bouncing a small burlap sack up and down like it was a basketball.

I think this calls for some evil justice.

Activating my HeliBot, I quickly hovered through the air to get to that conniving little sweet talker. She must've been deaf to not hear the sound of approaching propeller blades because I was able to snake my arms under her shoulders before she could react.

"Hey, wanna go skydiving?" I asked rhetorically. "No? TOO BAD, TOO SAD!"

With almost no liftoff time, we were airborne. Just for the record, I've always loved the way the wind rushes past my face and body. It was exhilarating, euphoric. I feel the most alive whenever I fly, and I can never get enough of it.

Can't say the same thing for Chris. Her shrieks of terror rivaled that of Aqua's, though they couldn't quite top Wuya's ear-splitting screams. I shouldn't be all that surprised by her freaking out; her world doesn't have the Wright Brothers to invent flight for her sorry ass.

I stopped midair below the layer of clouds to drop some scare tactics on her pretty little head. "Alright Chris, you ready for your first skydiving lesson or what?"

"WHAT!? NOOOO! Jack, w-what're you doing!? I thought we were friends! Please, please, please put me back on the ground – BUT PLEASE DON'T DROP ME WHATEVER YOU DO!"

"Tell ya what, you can bail out of your skydiving lesson if you pay the money pouch fee."

"Okay, you made your point! Here, take it!" Chris tossed the money pouch upwards for my HeliBot's grabber claw to snatch.

"Thank you very much. An eris saved is an eris donated to the Spicer Foundation for World Domination®."

"Alright, I'll admit, what I did was uncool and I'm sorry. But can you lower me back down to the ground already!?"

"I don't like your attitude. Just for that, I'm bumping up the landing fee to two money pouches. Better cough up the dough or you'll be soaring with the birdies! HAH! Get it? It's like 'swimming with the fishes', but we're up in the air, and that saying wouldn't make as much sense in this context…Anyway, uh, can you make it quick? My arms are getting tired."

"Fine, take the damn money already!"

Evil justice has been officially served.

It was pandemonium at the Adventurer's Guild. After we made it back, Chris began with the crocodile tears and tried to call me out for what I did to her in front of everybody. Normally I'd jump at the chance to claim an evil deed that I committed, but all the death stares I was getting made me withdraw my boasts. Instead, I tried to pin the blame on her for attempting to make off with my frog-slaying money. After all, she started it.

I'm not too sure if my defense worked or not, but thanks to her I'm paranoid that half of the guild is out for my blood. My own two teammates included.

Speaking of them, Aqua and Megumin both expressed interest in Darkness after she flat-out demanded to be put on the team. As I quietly seated myself (doing my best to lay low for a while), Megumin reviewed Darkness' stats for the rest of us.

"Hang on – according to her card, she's a Crusader! Physical defense, magical defense, strength, stamina, they're almost maxed out all the way. She could easily take hits and dish 'em out like it's nothing! We'd be crazy to turn down somebody as powerful as her. Why are you so hesitant about letting her in, Jack?"

"Look, all I'm saying is that if she wants to be with us so badly, she needs to be able to pull her weight."

Not only that, but she was also giving me some pretty conflicting emotions.

Darkness tightly gripped the table and maintained steady eye contact with me (something I was not okay with). "Mr. Spicer, I assure you, I am more than capable of pulling my weight. Despite my terrible aim, I am plenty durable. Please, do not be discouraged in using me as a human meat shield. I don't mind at all, really – I DON'T!"

I rest my case.

Well, if she's so insistent on it, might as well give her the full sense of the scope. I cleared my throat, "Alright, listen up Darkness – and you too Megumin! Aqua and I are on an important mission that is not for the faint of heart. We plan on killing the Devil King himself. Now we have our own reasons for doing so- -"

Aqua cut me off, "Yeah! I'm doing it because...uhm, I need to...avenge my hometown! Yeah, that's it! The Devil King's army laid waste to my village and now I wanna kick his ass for it!"

"...Right. Anyway, Darkness, if you really are dead set on joining us, then will you be ready to square off against the DK himself?"

The blonde didn't even hesitate, "I knew full well of the risks associated with the path of a Crusader. For you see, becoming the Devil King's erotic plaything has been a female knight's duty. And that alone makes it worthwhile to go!"

"Wait, wha?"

"Oh, I am sorry, is something wrong?"

"Yeah, what was that about erotic something or other?"

"I said no such thing."

…

"Okay then. What about you Megu- -"

The kid slammed her boot on the table and posed with her cape swishing behind her like she was the next Batman or something. "My name is Megumin! All Archwizards will bow before the one who dethrones the Devil King, and that one will be me! He thinks he's so superior to this rest of us just because he has unholy powers beyond imagination. In the name of the Crimson Demons, I shalt slay him with the strongest magic in the land!"

Nobody said anything at our table for a while. Megumin quietly sat back down and, in a smug manner, adjusted her hat over her head. I guess she thought she won?

Aqua leaned over to me and whispered nervously, "H-hey, Jack? After hearing those two say all that stuff, I'm not so sure if we should do this anymore. I mean, taking on the Devil King is pretty crazy."

I nervously whispered back, "You think I don't know that? But we don't really have a choice in the matter now do we? Besides you of all people should be motivated. You need to get back home to that limbo place."

Just then, the town PA system (the only other technologically advanced thing around here besides the magic printer) announced that there was an emergency that required all able adventurers to report outside of the front gates ASAP. Everyone inside the guild soon ran outside to cut through the city. I was just going through the motions by running alongside my fellow guild members. On my way to the main gates, I noticed how distressed the townsfolk seemed to be. It kinda reminded me of how villagers used to react to Attila the Hun's presence back when I did time-travel.

Uh-oh...What if something similar to that was happening here?

All the adventurers plus some town guards blocked the front entrance of the gate and fixed their gazes on the open fields. The sky was polluted with dark storm clouds, though I could've sworn it was sunny not too long ago. Utilizing my new Farsight skill, I zoomed in to see what everybody else was seeing as though I were looking through a set of binoculars. A large green dust cloud was approaching fast, and it didn't show any signs of stopping.

"Oh god, what is that?" I babbled. "Is this an invasion!? Did the Devil King hear me trash-talking behind his back and now he's sending his army after me!?"

The large scary man with the mohawk haircut must've overheard my mini freak-out because he said, "What are babbling about, boy? It's just harvesting season again, that's all."

"Wait, what does that have to do with anything?"

"Looks like they're especially ripe this year," said a muscular man with a thin brown mustache and matching crew cut hairstyle.

"What's ripe?"

"You said it Sedol, the cooks are gonna be ecstatic tonight," commented another muscular man with a long leather coat and yellow pompadour.

"Why the cooks?"

"I know Heinz, they're gonna have to use a wheelbarrow to push me outta the kitchen once I'm through!" shouted yet another muscular man with blonde curly hair, wearing a horned mask on his face. He seemed to be the leader of these muscles for brains.

"What the fuck is going on!?"

Thankfully, Darkness was able to shed some light on the situation (wordplay is worth its weight in gold). "When the season is just right, Flying Cabbages make their migratory path through this city."

"…Say what now?"

Megumin struck a reserved, cinematic pose and covered part of her face with her hand like the chuunibyou she was. "A tempest cometh..."

The dust cloud settled and, sure enough, it was a large horde of Flying Cabbages.

It's official. I've seen everything life has to offer. I can finally retire now.

"Time to bust out the mayonnaise!" cheered Aqua.

My evil, scientific mind was having tremendous difficulty processing this. "I thought the expression was, 'when pigs fly', not produce."

The dumb goddess standing next to me explained, "You see, Jackie, in this world, cabbages fly. During harvest time, when they've reached peak flavor, they don't sit around and wait to be eaten. They careen through the cities and meadows, across the continent and the ocean until they reach a secluded place where they eventually die without being eaten. It's such a waste…So we should catch as many as we can and turn them into delicious meals to eat!"

"I will not dignify that with a response."

"But you just did, you silly NEET you~"

"Screw off."

Luna grabbed a crude-looking megaphone as guards were setting up large cages behind her. "Get ready everyone, make sure to deposit the remains in these cages! These cabbages are some of the best we've had in years, so each head will be worth 10,000 eris!"

With that said, all of the adventurers charged at the horde in a unionized battle cry. Some sliced the Flying Cabbages with their swords while others sniped them from afar with arrows. There was even a girl with pink hair and matching bunny ears pummeling some with a pair of nun-chucks.

I feel like I should be more shocked at the sheer insanity of it all, but then again, my world was also just as mad and asinine. Judging the situation here would be like a meth head judging a crack head for abusing drugs; no one side has a say in anything.

The men and women were doing a decent job killing the aerial veggies, but more of them would soon come to avenge their fallen brethren. I felt someone place their hand on my shoulder, and I turned to see Darkness staring confidently at the scene in front of us.

"Allow me to show you my skills as a Crusader and prove my worth to you," she said with a determined smirk.

The questionable Crusader unsheathed her sword from its scabbard and firmly grasped it in her hands. With a war cry that made me slightly envious, Darkness charged at a small group of Flying Cabbages that had clustered together. She took a mighty swing…

…and missed by a laughable margin. She swung her blade back around her targets and they merely hovered above it. Growling, Darkness performed an upward jump strike with her weapon, and the vegetables scattered all around her.

At this point, it seemed like they were just playing around with her. The mean greens would close in on Darkness only to move away at the very last second when she sliced nothing but the air.

Quite frankly, it was sad to watch. Even an idiot like me with no martial arts or self-defense training could probably take on airborne veggies.

A cry for help tore Darkness' attention away from her opponents as more adventurers were being overwhelmed. The Flying Cabbages dive-bombed right into the fighters at Mach speed and sent the poor suckers down for the count. All the healers were going into overdrive healing all the injured. Though for some reason, I couldn't find Aqua anywhere.

Lazy bum, can't be bothered to do her one and only freakin' job – OH CRAP THAT CABBAGE IS COMIN' RIGHT FOR ME!

Something white obstructed the view of my impending doom and let out a grunt in the process. Darkness…?

"Retreat to safety! I've got this!" She was without her sword and blocking incoming cabbages with her forearms. Their speed and velocity nudged her in place slightly, but she otherwise remained rooted in the ground undeterred.

More and more cabbages flew into Darkness in rapid-fire succession. She continued to block until she decided to, for whatever reason, spread her arms wide like she was welcoming them into her chest.

Despite telling me to retreat (which I would've gladly already have done under normal circumstances), I continued to stand a few feet behind her. I don't know why, but I could not for the life of me will myself to leave Darkness behind. Maybe it was because watching her take those hits like a champ was too mesmerizing for me. Or maybe it was seeing someone willingly defend me like that struck a chord somewhere. Or maybe- -

As more and more kamikaze vegetables threw themselves at Darkness, her armor began to crack from the sheer force of each impact until, eventually, it broke off completely.

Oh my god, they're even bigger than what the breastplates lead me to believe.

Even in just her black fabric bodysuit, Darkness prevailed in standing her ground. Meanwhile, Flying Cabbages continued to increase the assault on her face, arms, legs, and chest. Was it my imagination, or did they seem really eager to target that last area in particular?

The woman blushed up a storm and proceeded to space out, supposedly preoccupied in her own little world. Then the cabbages started to rip through some of the fabric, exposing her silky skin underneath. I sharply hissed through my teeth in embarrassment and blushed like crazy too.

Some of the female adventurers were urging Darkness to run away, but with me depending on her to be my human meat shield, she never staggered.

"I cannot abandon my comrades in battle – GAH~! I c-can't…I WON'T!"

With each Flying Cabbage coming into contact with Darkness, a new tear was added to her bodysuit. I also noticed that a lot of the guys in the area seemingly forgot their manners and openly stared at her, wonder and lust clear as day in their eyes. Even as someone who wasn't the best at picking up social cues, I could tell they were undressing her in their heads. Guys can be horny like that.

Amidst all the chaos, I could distinctly hear Darkness mumble, "They're watching me…Routh, uncouth men are looking at my naked skin and getting aroused. It's shameful…it's filthy…it's...GLORIOUS!"

In spite of the raging sea of hormones, it finally clicked. So much so that I actually snapped my fingers in realization. "Oh, OH! I get it, I GET IT NOW! She's one of those masochist types, yeah, that's it! …And it took me this long to figure that out. Man, I suck at reading women."

Megumin formed a stance and a red cipher circle summoned beneath her feet in the middle of the crowd. "Enough waiting! It is now Megumin's time to shine. I can no longer hold in the throbbing, hot desire to unleash Explosion magic on such a massive horde!"

What did she say?

"Oh, blackness shrouded in light…

Frenzied blaze clad in night…

In the name of the Crimson Demons, let the collapse of thine origin manifest.

Summon before me the root of thy power hidden within the lands of the kingdom of ash!

Explosion!"

Megumin pointed her staff in the middle of the cabbage horde and more magic rings hovered over that spot. Adventurers that were nearby scattered when the rings were summoned into existence. They unleashed the Explosion, and most of the unfortunate vegetables fried to death.

However, the blast radius continued to expand to where Darkness and I were standing.

I covered my eyes and booked it out of there, leaving the blonde Crusader to scream into the whirlwind of flames...

Night fell on Axel, and every adventurer was back at the guild celebrating the successful harvest. Although, I'm not sure if "successful" is what I would use to describe it. Eh, at least I got paid for it.

Everybody was scarfing down on some stir-fried cabbage and chatting it up with their respective party members. As for mine…well, they were eating in peace, thankfully.

Megumin had fully restored her mana from earlier and Darkness had already put back on her armor, now cracked and singed in some places. I'm surprised there was even anything left of it after the explosion. Although, I think I should be more surprised that there was even anything left of the person wearing the armor.

Either way, I was busy wolfing down my meal as if I hadn't eaten anything in days, much like Megumin.

"Y'know, I normally hate eating greens, but those chefs really outdid themselves with this stir-fried cabbage," I mumbled in between bites. "It tastes amazing."

"Heh, weeeell, you can thank your benevolent goddess for washing them beforehand with her purified water~" Aqua drawled out pretentiously.

"I believe I aided in the cooking process with my Explosion, thank you," added Megumin, her mouth full as well. The small mage swallowed her latest bite and turned to the quiet older woman eating peacefully. "I gotta say, you were really something out there, Darkness. I've never seen anything that could survive a blast from my Explosion! Even without your armor, you're tough as nails!"

Darkness dropped the fork she was guiding into her mouth onto her plate in surprise at the Megumin's words. She smiled meekly as she said, "Oh, uh, why thank you! However, my armor is purely ceremonial in nature: I really only wear it to show my denomination. I'm just built solidly is all. Besides, if anybody is to be praised for this year's harvest, it should be Jack."

I was so unprepared for a genuine compliment by an attractive older woman, I did an involuntary spit take on the ground.

What? She caught me drinking water, okay?

"Wait…really?"

Aqua scooched closer and playfully poked my cheek as she said, "Duh, really! Using your new Lurk skill while stabbing those cabbages in the back was quick thinking. You were like some kind of cabbage ninja out there." She then jokingly pretended to tap my shoulders with an imaginary sword. "Jack Spicer, In the name of myself, I hereby dub thee, 'The Cabbage Ninja'."

"Huh. 'Jack Spicer, Cabbage Ninja', eh? Hmm. It's unconventional…it's ambiguous…I like it! Has a nice ring to it."

Megumin took my musings as an opportunity to add her two cents on the matter. "Don't forget about the part where he flew around to capture the fleeing cabbages using that miraculous device on his back! I had no idea you were in possession of a magical levitation item this whole time! Tell me, where did you obtain such a divine relic?"

"Oh, you mean my HeliBot? My Granny gave it to me as a gift on my seventh birthday. Also, it's not a magical item or a divine relic, it's an advanced piece of tech. But thanks for the compliment anyway."

Darkness stood up straight and proceeded to speak loud and proud, much like how we first met. "Yes, well, now you all know what I am capable of, both as a Crusader and ally. So once again: I am Darkness! Even though I wield a two-handed sword, please do not expect too much of me. I am far too clumsy, and my attacks rarely hit their mark. However, I make for an impenetrable wall as well as a trusted friend!"

A paladin who can't hit worth a damn but has god-like toughness. I suppose I can make her work somehow. A true genius knows how to set up his henchmen tactfully by playing into their strengths and balancing out their weaknesses. Consider this a challenge to my strategic mind.

That being said, Darkness signaled me out by facing me directly. "Well, Jack, now that we are allies, do not hesitate to use me as your shield. Should I fail to live up to my duties, feel free to reprimand me harshly; abandon me to the clutches of your enemies if you wish. I-I would not mind their clutches at all…hah~"

I can't decide whether I find her masochism borderline scary or arousing. Still…not only was she the first person who willingly wanted to hang out with me, but she was also the first to actually be happy about it. I'm not saying she is interested in me personally however; I'd have to force her at gunpoint for that to happen. And even then, something tells me most people in that situation would rather kiss the bullet than me.

"Good sir, I look forward to working for you." She held out her hand, most likely inviting me to shake on it. After a second that felt like an eternity, I silently shook it. Her hand had a surprisingly soft, yet strong grip to it. My constantly calculating brain ran a mile a minute, even long after the handshake was over.

"Our party is turning out to have quite the impressive roster, don't ya think? First, we have me, an Archpriest. Then Megumin, an Archwizard. And now Darkness, a Crusader! There aren't many parties where three out of the four members are advanced classes."

I couldn't be bothered to decipher if Aqua was throwing shade at me or just being a plain idiot. I resigned to nodding and doodling on a napkin while the girls talked amongst themselves.

I imagine if Wuya were here to see my latest army of evil, she'd probably say something to downplay my efforts like the bitch she is.

"This is what you call evil? You all look like bigger losers than Jack!"

I still remember that little comment she made so long ago. I didn't show at the time since I was busy being used as a basketball by the Fearsome Four, but what she said really cut me deep down.

Like, really deep.

I can normally shrug off most insults that come my way, but she happened to say that while I was dealing with some pretty bad anxiety at the time (personal reasons). I ended up crying myself to sleep for the following few nights after that. Tightening the grip on my fork, I made a mental vow to never blubber like a baby again in this new world. That was in the past, this is the future. I repeated this mantra in my head until I was certain my self-esteem gained a level up from grinding.

Who knows, maybe this is my chance to begin anew, after all.

"By the way Jack, I don't think you ever told us why you want to kill the Devil King," said Megumin out of nowhere.

"I'm curious as well. Care to tell us, if you like?" Darkness asked politely.

"Yeah, spill the beans my man! what's your motive?" Aqua demanded as she and the others all leaned in closer with a spark of intrigue lighting their faces.

I know what I said before about dropping partnerships with other humans who can and will hurt me, but…Aww, fuck it. One more chance, and that'll be it. Besides, they're willing to hear me out, and who am I to disappoint eager fans?

I calmly stood up and answered with all the suave in the world, "Well, my reason is quite simple, really. Word on the street is that I get one free wish out of killing this Devil King guy, and if there's anything I want the most on my wish list, it's WD. And I ain't talkin' about Wrestling & Doritos, I'm talkin' about World Domination! To better understand this, imagine if this bowl of cabbage stir fry is the planet and this fork here is our federation's flag…"

Violently, I plunged my fork deep into the bowl of vegetables like how I stabbed a Giant Frog. I had taken the liberty of doodling my skull insignia on a napkin and tying it to the handle of the fork to make it look like a miniature flag. It stood upright, tall and proud as it was planted into the green leafy earth. I envisioned the little setup as though I had just conquered one large continent. It was only a matter of time before I got to do the real thing.

"…See that? That right there is the big picture I'm reaching towards. And with the help of you lovely ladies, we can make this dream a reality. Together, world domination…IS OURS!"

After letting loose my trademark evil laugh, I opened my eyes to careful scan their reactions…

Well, well, well, the gang's all here finally. I wonder how they'll take Jack's declaration of war against the Fantasy World. One thing's for sure though: this is going to make for an...interesting team dynamic.

Now while I've got you all on the horn here, I think I should address my upload schedule, or lack thereof. I've already stated in the previous author's notes that I have most of the chapters written up and that the one you all are reading is the third revision. As such, there will be some chapters that take more time to fine-tune than others. And since I've got that pesky thing called a life to attend to, I generally write when I feel inspired or properly motivated. But I am determined to see Season 1 of this fanfic through to the end and then some! It always disappoints me to see a well-thought-out fic go unfinished, and I don't want this story to be one of those.

So yeah, I'll just let you peeps know when a certain chapter is gonna take some time to flesh out in advance. Thank you so much for reading and enjoy yourselves.