Despite the upbeat and blissfully ignorant atmosphere inside the guild, the silence the three girls in front of me were giving was deafening. If it weren't for they were still breathing and darting their eyes between each other, I would've assumed they'd spontaneously died sitting up.
…
Okay, now the mood's getting awkward. What did I do wrong? I got through all of my main points, I used proper diction, and I didn't go off on too many tangents. I even topped it off with my trademark evil laugh for badness' sake! So why aren't they saying anything!?
I'll admit, my monologue was a little on the short side compared to all of my previous ones, but that shouldn't be the problem here. I poured my wretched heart and soul into that delivery, shouldn't that be obvious to them? Unless...Oh, please don't tell me they still don't believe me! I can somewhat (though not really) understand why Aqua and Megumin wouldn't buy it, but Darkness is a holy knight! She of all people should take me as a legitimate threat to her country!
Wait, no, that's not what I want at all.
Come to think of it...what if they actually do believe me and they're planning to ambush me right over the table!? Aw crap, I didn't think of that! Why do I always Jack things up way too soon!?
"Aw heck yeah! Sounds like a plan, Jack!"
Aqua got up from her seat and stood beside me, looking more pumped than I had seen her yet. "I should've known you meant business since the day I laid eyes on you. But your speech! Your inspiring speech has moved my heart to tears…! You can sign me up, 'cause we're in this together, buddy! Partners for life!"
Aqua? Was that really you…?
I suddenly heard the distinctive sound of a cape swishing dramatically in the wind. Since I didn't pack my evil cape reserved for special occasions, that can only be the work of- -
"I, Megumin, certified genius of Crimson Demons worldwide, recognize your passion for all things evil and cruel! Just by listening to your words alone, I can tell that you are one who takes nothing from nobody! You may not be a Crimson Demon, but you've certainly got the spirit of one."
"M-Megumin…?" I questioned out loud. "You too?"
My new favorite pyromaniac pointed her staff in my face. Her freaky, hellish eyes lit up while that iconic smug smirk of hers was back in action. At this rate, I'll have to call her "Smugumin" if she keeps that up.
"HOWEVER! I'll be damned if I'm going to let you make that wish all on your own. If anybody's going to take over the world and become the next Devil King, it's going to be ME!"
Oh. Well then. Looks like I've earned myself yet another "taking-over-the-world rival". Progress, I guess?
Well, either way, if Aqua and Megumin are on board, then all that leaves is Darkness- -
With very little warning, Darkness arched her back and made a noise that could put any hentai voice actress to shame. Once she was done with…that, she looked back at me with lazy eyes and a completely flushed face.
God, I know I never believed in you but please have mercy on my virgin soul.
"Y-YOU…you…you detestable creature!" she slurred. "Tricking three young girls into becoming your submissive minions for global tyranny. I cannot believe it...So evil! So sickening!"
Now that I'm fully aware of her masochism, I'm not really sure what to make of her reaction. I stole a quick glance at Aqua, who happily poured herself a glass of water using Nature's Beauty. Megumin seemed to be the only one who wasn't oblivious to Darkness' behavior, but I guess she wanted to be polite because she didn't make any remarks.
Regardless of how everyone felt around her, the perv carried on, speaking more to herself than anyone else. "You knew joining this fiend's party was for the greater good, Darkness. Perhaps you can still save these two maidens from the clutches of his pale, grimy, gargantuan hands..."
"Hey, I heard that!" I barked. "My hands may be pale and the size of baseball gloves, but they are not grimy! …Are they?"
Ignoring my outcry, Darkness looked at me and declared, "Spicer! I will remain by your side in the hopes that you may have a change of heart, or, at the very least, release these girls from your wicked clutches. Do what you must to me: berate me, abuse me, convert me into a brain-dead doll for you to live out your twisted fantasies, I shall endure it! You may break me physically, but you will never crack my heart…"
"Seriously, are my hands really that grimy…?"
After closely inspecting my hands, I pocketed my gloves and surveyed the newest recruits to my army of evil. I'll admit, the whole setup I had going on here was extremely surreal for me. An ex-goddess, a magical child prodigy, and a holy knight backing up my diabolical ideology when the former two didn't buy it at first and the latter was supposed to be against such notions? Talk about crazy! And the fact that two-thirds of the girls (Megumin doesn't count since she's too young) are absolutely bangin' is like icing on the cake.
Devil's Food Cake to be exact. You can't get eviler than that.
"Awww, you guys...You just...I just..." I paused to sniffle, my emotions getting the better of me. "Hearing you all say that brings a tear to this villain's albino eye. Tell ya what, lemme go wash my hands real quick, and when I come back we can discuss how we want to divide the world into an evil federation. As a team. I'll be right back!"
With that, I made a mad dash to the bathroom, dodging patrons and nearly bumping into a waitress or two along the way. Once inside, I shut the door behind me with my back and leaned against it to catch my breath. Even with all of the combat experience I've gained from participating in Showdowns, I was still somewhat out of shape.
Regardless, I shuffled over to the nearest sink and turned on the faucet. At least this world's humans were smart enough to invent running water along with a basic sewer system.
"Man, I must have a way with words if I was able to convince two skeptics and a Crusader. Kudos to YesBot for helping me overcome my initial stage fright way back when; otherwise, I'm pretty sure I would've clammed up in front of all those pretty girls. But I guess you can always overcome stage fright so long as you're passionate about what you're saying, and nothing gets me more fired up than my #1 favorite pastime: plotting for word domination!"
Suddenly, a voice spooked me from my rant, "Do you always ramble to yourself like that or are you just insane?"
Spooked, I turned to see the tracksuit-wearing Japanese kid, Satou, a few sinks away. He was washing his own hands and staring at me with an annoyed scowl, to which I gladly returned.
"For your information, 'Green Bean', I had to find some kind of outlet to entertain myself as an only child. Speaking my thoughts out loud was just a natural side-effect of that." I waved him off. "Ah, whatever, you wouldn't get it."
"…I beg to differ…"
"Huh?"
Satou shook his head. "Nothing. Look, let's change the subject. I overheard all that bullshit you were spitting at your party before I came in here. Those girls didn't believe a word you said. Neither do I for that matter."
"HAH! Yeah right! You heard them yourself, they're all on board! You're just jealous that Mr. Up-And-Coming King of the World over here has been getting quite the attention from the opposite sex. What can I say, chicks dig bad boys, and I'm good at being bad, baby!"
I took notice of Satou's twitching eye as we were drying our hands off at the towel rack. Must've gotten soap in it. Good, that's what he gets for trying to start beef with Evil Teen Genius, Jack Spicer!
"As much as I can't stand you douchebag narcissists, at least you're taking the attention off of me and Yunyun. But that still doesn't change the fact those girls were faking their enthusiasm. Probably because they think you're a raging lunatic, much like the rest of the guild. At first I thought everyone here was a judgmental asshole, but now I can see the rabbit hole goes much deeper than that."
I was about to make a hot retort, but Satou cut me off. "I don't necessarily like you, but as a word of caution, make sure you think before you speak. The law here isn't nearly as overbearing as it is on Earth. That tongue of yours could get yourself killed if you piss off the wrong guy…assuming they can take you seriously, anyway. For what it's worth, take care."
And just like that, Satou left the bathroom before I could get a word in edgewise.
"…What's that guy's problem!? Is he implying I can't be cool, calm, and collected? He doesn't know me! I can be cool, calm, and collected whenever I want! I'll find that punk and show it to him right in the kisser!"
I power-walked out of the bathroom and scanned the dining hall to locate that tracksuit-wearing mouthbreather so I could give him a piece of my superior mind.
But it wasn't until I passed by a row of support columns when...it happened.
"Now do you see what I was talking about when I warned you about my nutty party member?"
When I heard Aqua's voice say that about me, I felt my stomach drop like I was going down on a rollercoaster, only there was no amusement to go along with it.
I heard those damning words from behind the pole where I was standing. Even with all the ruckus of adventurers loudly eating and drinking, I could still make out my own team talking about me with crystal clarity.
"Yeah, although I'm not too sure if I wanna jump aboard the 'he's crazy' idea so soon," I overheard Megumin say. "We all saw Jack's intelligence stat, the dude's a brilliant scholar. But I can definitely see him being a long-lost member of my tribe. He's got all the qualities of a Crimson Demon fresh off the academy, right down to the claim to villainy! I'll admit, though, when I said I was going to become the Devil King first, I may have just been goofing. I'm honestly more interested in wiping the Devil King out with Explosion Magic to prove a point to the rest of the world. Ruling with an iron fist doesn't actually interest me."
"Well, I agree with Aqua; something about his way of thinking seems a tad off," chimed Darkness. "While I personally have no qualms with participating in his sadistic games, there is a fine line between consensual play and truly malicious intent. I'll continue to play along and keep a watchful eye on him just to make sure he doesn't start any animosity amongst the townsfolk…n-not that I particularly mind taking on the burden of being his personal punching bag o-or anything..."
Aqua spoke once again, "Good thinking, Darkness! For now, let's all keep going through with my plan of playing pretend with him. Remember, no matter how absurd, smile and nod. Got it?"
The rest of their conversation was drowned out by the ringing in my ears, along with the rest of the guild.
Th-they were faking it? L-like Satou said they were?
No. No. Nonono, that's not right, it can't be right! I thought they would be different, that they'd at least respect my decision! But no, they don't believe me, the guild doesn't believe me – does nobody in the goddamn multiverse believe in me anymore!?
Oh god…it's Second Grade all over again...
Get a hold of yourself, Jack, you can't lose it now! It hasn't been a month yet and already you're freaking out more than ever! I need to calm down. Do the breathing exercises like YesBot taught me…yeah, okay, that's a little better. I still feel naked and alone without my robots' company, but at least I don't feel like I'm gonna puke anymore.
Now, if I want to defeat the Devil King and his army, I need to get my shit together. Not even a few minutes after my personal vow and I'm already tearing up in public. At least this time it was silent I guess...
Alright, you know what, Aqua? Megumin? Darkness? Fine. I'll let you think whatever you want to think. Go ahead and humor the weird albino kid like he's none the wiser. I'll just imagine to myself that you actually agree with me and aren't just joking around. But when that fateful day comes that I overthrow the Devil King at his castle and wish to take over the world, you'll get your wake-up call.
Trust me.
New day, same me.
I was seated at an empty table in the Adventurer's Guild, not doing much of anything. The girls roped me into coming here with them so they could do some errands, which means less time for me to build murder robots and more time being bored out of my demented skull!
Just to make the monotony go by a little bit faster, I skimmed through some of the "updates" I had received on my Adventurer Card from yesterday's cabbage harvest. Surprise, surprise, I had shot up to Level 8 without realizing it. I'd say that put me at least two Levels ahead of the game compared to the rest of my team (exactly the kind of forward-thinking I needed to help me get through the rest of the morning).
I was also taking a look at a comprehensive list of some of the more specialized classes for when I eventually jump ship from the generic "Adventurer" job. The guilds issue these pamphlets out to aspiring newbies like us to peruse through. And I gotta say, there's a cornucopia of cool and badass classes to choose from!
The only major drawback, however, is that they all have a certain Level prerequisite in order to be unlocked. The lowest Level requirements I've seen thus far are in the mid-to-high-20s. In other words, bullshit.
But on the dark side, one of the jobs that caught my eye was on the low end of the spectrum: only requiring the user to be at least Level 24. It was actually a subclass of Blacksmith affectionately called "Battlesmith".
A battle-ready variant of the local market Blacksmith, this intermediate job grants the same upper body strength as a Blacksmith but with all the swiftness of a Thief. Any homemade objects crafted under this class will be magically endowed with twice the strength and durability for double efficiency out on the battlefield.
Side effects may include body aches, slight fever, itching, burning, watery eyes, and frequent urination.
I don't know about you, but I think I may have found my dream job! It's everything I've ever wanted and maybe just a little bit more. Where has this class been all my life?
Sadly, it's gonna take a fuckton of grinding and leveling up to achieve the rank of Battlesmith. So for the time being, I'm stuck as your bog-standard, run-of-the-mill adventurer with very little in the way of survival skills. But not all is lost. I do have enough skill points to acquire a basic magic skill that should be useful in the wild.
I selected the skill and once again felt the genetic code that made me, me, getting rewritten by forces I couldn't begin to fathom.
After the feeling dissipated, I placed an empty glass cup in front of me. I then opened the palm of my hand over the glass and readied myself for…something.
"Erm, Create…Water?"
Clean water gently spewed out of my palm and poured itself into the cup. And all without a single droplet getting spilled to boot.
I'll admit, I'm still having somewhat of a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I can casually perform magic by myself, no Chinese artifacts involved. With Sandbox Mode…I dunno, it feels more video game-y than magic-y. That, and the actual process of constructing bots is still very much grounded in scientific reality.
Plus, the whole mana thing raises some serious questions. Did I always have a set amount of mana dormant in my system? If not, then do non-magical humans gain mana when entering this world? Stuff like that.
Eh, well, thought food for another day. I resigned to drinking my hand water in victory for now. Strangely refreshing.
"Omi thinks he's sooooo special 'cuz he spent years of meditation all to manipulate H2O. Well, guess what, Cheeseball? Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius learned it in under a minute; no training required! The only other skills I need now are Tinder, Create Earth, and Wind Breath. Then I can have all the Monks' elemental powers and truly become a Jack of all trades – wait. Didn't I already make that joke?"
Before I could think my joke over, I was interrupted by the latest addition to the party when she approached me with glee in her eyes and sparkles in her armor.
"Jack, look! I had my armor repaired with the bounty I received from the cabbage harvest. Does it not look absolutely brilliant? Tell me, what do you think?"
"Looks the same to me."
Smooth move, Romeo. Wuya was right: I really do need to think before I speak.
"Oh honestly! Would it hurt you to pay a lady a compliment every now and again? …Heh…hehe. You're so rough, you hardly show me any mercy~"
"Uh, I, uh…"
I quickly shook my head to dispel certain thoughts from running rampant in my brain.
"Please dial back on the lewd comments. Megumin over there is already making enough innuendos without you."
The young teenager I was referring to was practically molesting her own staff. She had gone ahead and used her share of the earnings to upgrade it with something called a Manatite crystal. From what I hear, it acts as a sort of lightning rod for a person's mana reserves and amplifies it. It replaced the blue orb she had previously.
Anyway, she was too preoccupied mumbling to herself about how her staff was just "throbbing" with power. It was very suggestive with or without context.
"THAT'S ALL!? What're Ya tryin' to pull here!? I caught a ton of cabbages and that's all you're offering!?"
A particular water goddess incognito was grabbing an innocent Luna by the collar and shaking her about like a stuffed animal. The receptionist, meanwhile, was doing her best to calmly defuse the situation.
"Umm, well, actually, regarding your haul from the harvest…"
"Go on…"
"I'm afraid most of what you caught consisted primarily of lettuce."
"You mean some of those Flying Cabbages were actually Flying Lettuce!? Are you kidding me!?"
I had to plug my ears to tune out the banshee that was my party member. Darkness even went as far as to gently pat my shoulder to let me know that she was there for me. She was still staring at Aqua, so thankfully my blush went by unnoticed.
I didn't have to cover my ears for long, though, because Aqua suddenly stopped screaming. She must've finally settled things down with the receptionist. Hallelujah! It's an early Christmas miracle! Now I can kick my feet up, close my eyes, and bask in the tranquil silence.
"Oh, Jack-Jack~"
Dang it, Aqua, cockroaches are easier to get rid of than you.
"Exactly how much did you get from the cabbage harvest? Do tell!"
"Hmm? A little over 100,000 eris. I would've earned more if those little guys weren't so slippery. Why do you ask?"
I cracked one eye open to find Aqua standing very close beside me with a wide smile etched in her checks. She giggled – and as much as I hate to admit it – it was actually pretty cute.
"Jack, I've been meaning to tell you for a while now, but I think you're…cool! Yeah, that's the word, cool!"
"Ooo, insincere flattery; now we're in business. Keep going."
I could've sworn I heard the other two girls mutter something under their breaths, but there was no way I was gonna let this opportunity go to waste. Now if only I could record Aqua's voice and have her very own words play over the PA speakers in an endless loop. Then I'd feel complete.
"Are you for real…? Err, I mean, yeah! Not only are you cool, but you're also stylish, Spicer-sama! I'm sorta/kinda/not really surprised that the ladies from your hometown weren't dropping by your doorstep every day. You're such a genius- -"
"Ah, bup-bup. What kind of genius?"
"Oh, sorry, evil genius. Silly me! Sooo, because you're such an amazingly talented individual, do ya think you could maybe loan me some money…?"
"I see now, you want a piece of my cut. Hmmm…Tell ya what: you put me in a good mood, so I'll return the favor and spot ya. How much do you need? 100 eris? 1,000 eris?"
"More like 100,000 eris."
I waved my arms in a last-ditch effort to prevent me from falling flat on my back. Suffice to say, it didn't work.
After popping my sore back, I gave the brainless blue twit the most incredulous expression I could make, just to get it through to her thick skull that she's out of her mind.
"That's my entire bounty! What, do you think I'm made of money over here, woman!? Forget it, outta the question."
Faster than I could blink, Aqua flopped onto the table kicking and crying, almost making me fall backwards for a second time.
"Oh please let me borrow your money, Spicer-sama! Please, please, PLEEEEEASE!"
"Give me one decent reason as to why I should lend you even a cent of my hard-earned cash. And while you're at it, let go of my trench coat! This is my only one and I don't want you to stain it with your tears."
"IthoughtI'dgetabiggerrewardonourquestbutIdidn'tandIowethesetwoscaryguysmoneyandIdon'tknow
whattodoIthoughtI'dberichbynowsoIrackedupabartabof100,000erisandnowIhavetopayup!"
I think I'm starting to see now why people have a hard time following along whenever I speak. Hell, even I don't know what I'm trying to say half the time. Sometimes my brain moves faster than my mouth, y'know?
Regardless, given Aqua's apparent alcoholism, I can deduce that she owes the bar tab money. But 100,000 eris? Really!? This girl needs professional help, I swear.
Come to think of it, all four of us need professional help.
"I have no idea how you haven't died of alcohol poisoning yet, but this is still your mess of a problem! While you waste your eris on drinks, I'm going to see if I can't invest mine into renting an apartment. I don't know about you, but I'm sick of sleeping on Old MacDonald's farm every single night! I crave personal space."
I half-expected Aqua to simply give up or continue bawling some more, but that deceptive blue-haired vixen had a trick up her detached sleeve.
Still situated on top of the table, she crawled on all fours and wiggled her holy round ass in the air, causing my ancestral caveman urges to go buck-wild.
"Well, you are a teen genius, after all. And every adolescent should have a place of their own. Especially considering that one night I heard you rustling around next to me, breathing heavy moaning sounds like you had a tummy ache- -"
I frantically slapped my hand over her mouth before she could get another peep in.
"Take the money but please, for the love of evil, PUT A SOCK IN IT!"
Anxiously looking over to my other two teammates, I saw Megumin and Darkness staring at us with confused expressions. My grin could not have been any more forced.
After begrudgingly forking over all of my profits to that spoiled brat, Aqua had the audacity to suggest shopping for some new clothes fitting for an Adventurer. Her reasoning (if you could even call it that, which I sure don't) was that my emo/goth/punk fashion was clashing with the fantasy world esthetic.
And she said all of this to me as if she didn't just rob me blind a couple of minutes ago!
I had to stubbornly remind her that on top of wanting people to be able to easily recognize their future supreme overlord. Aqua merely flipped her hair like a self-entitled popular high school girl and dropped the conversation, saying that it would be a "hopeless endeavor to change my childish mind".
Ain't that the pot calling the kettle black.
But now with a full party of semi-adequate ladies at my arsenal, today marked the day as the true start to my ruling over this world.
I proudly stood in front of my (what was it now, fourteenth?) evil team once Aqua's little debacle was settled.
"Alright, gang, we get to pick our very first quest to do together. You in?"
Megumin was the first to voice in her answer. "Yes, we should pick a quest with lots of small-fry monsters so I can test out my gorgeous new staff!"
Darkness brandished her sword and panted like an excited dog. "No, wait! We should go after strong monsters; oh yes, massive and brutal!"
Aqua raised her fist sky-high as she declared, "No, we should all go on a quest with a huge payout, regardless of the subject matter! I need me a decent meal!"
Maybe I should've had a screening process by agreeing to let them stay.
Anyway, the four of us carefully examined the quest board together. One of my party members pointed at one blemished with danger stamps.
"Oh, Jack! There's a quest that requires us to slay a vicious nocturnal creature called The Black Fang. It looks extremely dangerous, let's accept!"
"Absolutely. NOT! I happen to like living thank you very much."
Another piped up. "How about this one: 'Fire Resistant Bees have made large nests in Axel Town's farmhouses. Destroy the bees and their nests without causing property damage'."
"You only know one move and it's a fire-based attack that obliterates everything that isn't fire-resistant. I want you to think about that for a while and let it sink in."
Besides, I don't wanna pull another Nicholas Cage after the Ju-Ju-Flytrap incident.
I dutifully inspected the board once more before shrugging in resignation.
"Well, we could always kill some more Giant Frogs for a quick cash grab?"
"NO, NO FROGS!"
Megumin hid her head under her hat while Aqua got into the fetal position on the floor and mumbled sweet nothings to herself to make her happy. Darkness was the only one left out and she seemed to be rather confused at their reactions.
"Are they alright?"
"Remember when we first met, and I said we got back from a frog mission? Yeah, well, I think they might've gotten PTSD from it. They got eaten and I had to cut them out. They were drenched in rancid slime too; it was unpleasant for everyone involved."
Unsurprisingly, my description of the events flared up Darkness' masochism, and she went eye wide in excitement.
"Rancid slime!? I fail to see the problem here!"
"Why, because it would've turned you on?"
"N-no, you're wrong."
"Uh-huh, sure."
I let my eyes travel back to the board while the blonde crusader stammered in defiance. After scanning it over and over and over again, I growled and gave up looking.
"All that's left for us are quests meant for high-leveled experts! What gives!?"
My cries of indignation must've caught Luna's attention, as she cautiously approached us while audibly clearing her throat.
"I couldn't help overhear your displeasure with today's selection of quests. I regret to inform you that the reason for our lack of novice quests is because one of the Devil King's generals has moved into a nearby forest recently. As such, all low-leveled monsters have vacated the area. Until we receive assistance from the Belzerg Capital Knight Corps, there will only be expert quests available until further notice. Again, I'm deeply sorry for the inconvenience."
Luna meekly bowed as though we were supposed to accept her weak-sauce apology. The receptionist quietly shuffled away, leaving us to mull her words over.
"Just when it looked like my luck was getting better…"
With adventuring off the table, Jack Spicer's Evil Posse temporarily split apart to do their own things for a little while.
Darkness said she wanted to return home to keep up with her weight training exercises and bid us farewell.
Aqua hatched a creative idea for once inside that empty noodle she called her head: she opened up a stand to sell her lettuce and arts and crafts as an alternative for making money. Don't tell her I said this because she'll never let me hear the end of it, but I was secretly grateful for her providing for our source of income.
As for Megumin, it only made sense that she would hone her Explosion magic skill. But given that she needed someone to carry her back to town, the li'l munchkin dragged me along for the ride.
That's why on a "fine" sunny day when I could've been cooped up indoors perfecting my trusty JackBots, I was instead begrudgingly tagging alongside Megumin through the woods trying my hardest to stay in the shade. I didn't say a word since we began our trek, but I made damn sure to let her know that I was anything but happy to be here.
Although, an irrational part of me was anxious that the scowl I held on my face would freeze like that permanently.
Anywho, I guess Megumin had had enough of my constant pouting because she snapped at me from outta the blue.
"If I knew you were gonna act like a stubborn brat, I would've asked Yunyun to come along with me."
"I'm older than you by like three years."
"Yeah? Then you sure have a funny way of showing your age."
Told down by a thirteen-year-old. Not one of my better moments. But I have experienced worse.
I dropped the mean look and sighed tiredly. "I know, I know, I'm sorry. I just don't like going outside when I don't have to."
"I think getting some sunlight will do your body good. You could seriously go for a tan, dude."
"But that's the thing: sunlight will actually cause my body more harm than good."
Megumin shot me an inquisitive look. "What do you mean?"
"You can see that I'm an albino, right? Pale skin, red eyes, the works?"
She nodded.
"Right, well, that's not normal for the human body. There's a naturally occurring pigment in our bodies called melanin that's mainly responsible for producing skin, eye, and hair color. Not only that, but it's also responsible for blocking most forms of ultraviolet radiation from the sun as well as preventing light reflection in the eyes. We albinos have little to no melanin in our bodies. As a result, my eyes are highly photosensitive, and I'm prone to getting skin cancer at worst and a sunburn at best."
Despite my implementation of scientific jargon, the rural child wizard was surprisingly intelligent enough to process my explanation. Because she freaked out on me in less than a minute.
"Really!? Oh shit, I should be the one apologizing, not you! I didn't know it was that serious, I- -"
"Relax, short stuff, I've figured out how to combat this for years now. Whenever I do have to go outside, like today, I make sure to put on contact lenses and wear dark clothes that cover most of my skin; hence why I'm wearing a stuffy trench coat in late August. And thankfully, a merchant in the market square sells this gunk that supposedly repels harmful sun rays. It seems to be working for me so far, I've had no ill side-effects since applying it on my face."
Megumin breathed a sigh of relief and resumed her walking. "Thank the gods. Sorry about your condition, by the way. It sounds like a real hassle. Had I known beforehand, I probably wouldn't have asked you to come with me."
"Eh, water off a duck's back. Besides, I'm mainly upset because I'd rather be working on something else right now, that's all."
"…That's all? Are you sure it has nothing to do with Darkness leaving town for a few days?"
I almost tripped on my own two feet.
I slowly turned my head to face Megumin, who was facing me too. We competed in a silent staring contest for a few seconds before I worked up the nerve to say something.
"What makes you say that?"
She shrugged. "I dunno. You seemed kinda depressed when she announced she was heading home for a while. Your mouth twitched a little and your eyes looked a little watery."
Shit, shit, SHIT! I thought I was getting better with my poker face, but it looks this kid is more observant than I gave her credit for! Granted, she did have a decently high intelligence stat on Adventurer Card. Not nearly as high as mine of course, but still enough to- -
FOCUS, MAN, FOCUS! Just casually make up an excuse for it, Jack, all evildoers are masters at lying. We basically invented the concept.
Summoning whatever meager scrap ounce of courage I had left, I looked Megumin square in the eyes and said to her with careful annunciation:
"It's still summertime. I occasionally break out with hay fever during this season."
I felt my heart pump like I had downed three cans of Monster energy drink, which I actually do sometimes when working on multiple late-night projects in the lab.
Just when I thought my mask was about to crack, Megumin shrugged and continued walking on ahead.
"That's understandable. Make sure you go visit the local alchemist for that, okay? I think he can brew some allergy inhibiting potions for you."
I hummed in response before crawling back into the recesses of my mind. I'm not exactly sure if she bought it or not, but I'm gonna make a mental note to be more careful about what I do around this girl next time.
"Aha, perfect!"
Megumin stuck her arm out in front of me like a railroad guard. If only I didn't run right into it and had the wind knocked outta me.
I used my Farsight skill to focus on what she was staring intently at off in the distance. I spied a rickety old castle perched atop a cliff overseeing the horizon line. Megumin pointed at the structure with her staff.
"That abandoned castle is what I shall use as a target for my Explosions. And it's far away from town, so I won't get a noise complaint from the guards again."
" 'Again'?"
"W-well I had to use my Explosion magic somewhere, so I fired upon the open plains. Don't judge me, I have to use my favorite spell once a day else I die!"
"Alright, alright, geez, I get it. This is Burger King, have it your way. Just do the thing and let's bail."
Planting her feet on the earth, Megumin aimed her staff at the castle, and the wind in the surrounding area began to swarm inside the young teenager's red Manatite crystal in the form of space. The infamous red cipher circle of unknown design and origin materialized underneath her feet as she started up another chant.
"Crimson-black blaze, king of myriad worlds,
though I promulgate the laws of nature,
I am the alias of destruction incarnate!
In accordance with the principles of all creation,
let the hammer of eternity descend unto me...
Burn to ashes within the crimson.
Explosion!"
With the otherworldly rings lining up in front of the staff's tip, a column of fire burst forth, whipping past the trees. When it touched the castle, it blew up in a fireball and sent shockwaves vibrating through the air. And I was once again left floored at the light show.
Speaking of floors, that's where the little Arch Wizard was on right now.
I took the hint to pick her up and carry her on my back.
And that was how my new daily morning routine began. Megumin and I would go into the forest once a day so she could cast Explosion on the old abandoned castle. With each passing day, I found myself getting more and more hyped to go. It even escalated to the point where I would wake the kid up in their little tent outside Axel at dick o'clock in the morning just to get an early head start.
But it didn't end there, oh no. I also learned to appreciate the fine art of explosions in general. I used to take them for granted whenever I employed missiles and bombs into my machines' arsenal, but now I see the light. I began to judge her explosions more objectively, like an art snob, and soon Megumin did everything in her power to really knock my socks off.
It didn't matter if it were sunny, rainy, or cloudy, we'd always make sure to take time out of our busy schedules to meet up at the castle.
Incredibly, the building still managed to stand after all the abuse taken out on it. That changed when Megumin managed to blast a large gaping hole in one of its walls, crumbling a turret down to the ground. I remember skipping for joy and congratulating the archaic pyromaniac.
I made a promise to her that day: if I ever decided to splurge some extra skill points into Explosion magic, I would come straight to her for it.
Not since letting her join my team had I ever seen Megumin beam with such happiness before.
Even I – with my greedy black heart – couldn't help but feel warm inside when she smiled like that.
I just finished my seventh JackBot and stored it away in a spare stable along with the others. Keeping them in the one Aqua and I slept in was crowding the already small space. Don't get me wrong, I love my babies, but getting sandwiched in between them all wasn't worth it. Fuck claustrophobia, man.
I was becoming more and more adept at using my cheating powers: it was becoming easier to use, it consumed slightly less mana, and materials were spawning at a considerably faster rate. It won't be long now before my first batch of robots is fully operational and ready to serve.
As I was connecting the motherboard inside of a loose JackBot head, Aqua was making more arts and crafts to sell tomorrow alongside her lettuce. She hummed a lullaby to herself while she worked. I heard her sing it before, and when I asked what it was, she explained that it was a popular children's song called "A Little Adventurer".
The weird thing about it was, when I actually bothered to listen to the lyrics of it, all I could hear was a strange, yet soothing dialect I had never heard before. The closest known language it sounded like was Japanese, but something tells me that wasn't exactly it. My reasoning is because I actually learned a little bit of Japanese online after the excursion to Tokyo. But then I lost interest and dropped out.
It's my theory that there might've been some kind of "glitch" during the language overload transition when I was reincarnated. Perhaps when I hear people of this world sing, I can only hear it in their own alien language.
Whatever the reason, it was pleasant on the ears. For someone with such a toxic personality, Aqua really did have a beautiful voice to compensate.
…
I wonder if my family got over my death already. I wouldn't be surprised; they barely check up on me to see if I'm alive. Is it weird that I don't really miss them all that much? I know the Monks don't miss me. If anything, they're probably partying over my grave even as I speak. I mean, I think at least.
Wuya and Chase definitely are glad I'm out of the picture, they already couldn't stand my guts before I died. They were always talking down on me…saying I could never be evil…telling me I never could seize the world for myself…huh...
It took me a minute to realize I was just staring lazily inside the open latch in my robot's head. I looked over at Aqua, who was making a little house out of empty milk cartons.
I took a small breath and asked her a serious question.
"Hey, Aqua?"
"What's up, Jack?"
She didn't even look up from her work.
"Be honest: do you really think we have what it takes to kill the Devil King? I mean, I'm pretty sure he isn't called 'The Devil King' for nothing. How are four people gonna kill someone with a big name like that- -"
I didn't have time to dodge the crushed milk carton flying at my face. When I opened my eyes to see a royally pissed Aqua glaring daggers.
"Why would you ask a stupid question like that?! I thought you were the smart one in this group."
"Hold on, you actually believe we can do it?"
"Believe it? I know it! I'm getting back home if it's the last thing I do; no demonic tyrant is gonna stop me otherwise!"
"But we're a ragtag team of low-leveled weirdos against Satan himself. Face it Aqua, we're outgunned and outmatched in every way!"
Aqua turned herself fully around to face me. Unlike all the other previous fits she's had, it looked like she was actually restraining herself from going ballistic. I just had to express my confusion at her unprecedented actions.
Her face deflated to a neutral look and she let loose an exasperated sigh.
"You need to have more trust in us- -"
Aqua immediately cut me off when I tried to interrupt.
"Ah, bup-bup. I don't want to hear it. Look, I don't know if you have trust issues or whatever, but you need to learn to have faith in your party. It pains me to say this, and don't go telling off to anyone or I'll break all of your fingers, but you're our leader. Not only do you make the tough decisions when it matters most, but you also have to rely on the rest of us. Namely me, of course."
Her face softened and a ghost of a smile found its way onto her lips. "Now quit your whining, robo-nerd. I'm restocking my supply for tomorrow."
The goddess turned back around and resumed her work as nothing had happened.
For once in my talkative life, I was left speechless. Was that the same Aqua? The unhelpful, lazy, bitchy, stupid woman that unwillingly accompanied me on the start of my journey? Not only was she working hard at her part-time job, but she also unintentionally gave me some needed closure with a pep talk on team trust.
For a girl who was deemed unintelligent on her Adventurer Card, she surprisingly knows her way with words.
I mean, okay, sure, maybe I do have some trust issues. But in my defense, every other team I've ever had was quick to ditch me for one reason or another. After a while, I simply got used to the backstabbing. I know that way of thinking is unhealthy, but when you live with the ghost of a witch who semi-frequently tosses you out like a used napkin, you'd become skeptical of others too.
Then again, Aqua is technically a holy figure and not a restless spirit. Darkness is a chivalrous knight and Megumin strikes me as someone who knows what it's like to be abandoned. Maybe Aqua's on to something.
Who knows? Only time will tell if they're the ones for me.
"Oh, FYI Jack, I borrowed most of your nuts and bolts for my art project. Pretty resourceful of me, wouldn't ya say?"
All that pleasantness was quickly washed away and replaced with anger.
"So that's why they went missing this morning!? Don't do that again, you useless party trick goddess!"
Aqua gasped in shock and spoke with a quivering voice.
"B-but people l-love my p-party tricks aaaahhhh-WWWWWWAAAAHHHH!"
She buried her head within her arms and cried her eyes out.
Well, that didn't last long. Oh well, she'll get over it in the morning.
She still wasn't over it.
She blubbered like a baby all the way to our table at the guild. Megumin, Darkness, and I stood over Aqua in silence while she mumbled insults at me in between hiccups.
"What did you say to her last night?"
"That she wastes her skill points on pointless party tricks she's crying because she knows it's the truth."
"Jack, I understand, everyone needs to vent sometimes. If ever you feel stressed again, feel free to tear into me – I WOULDN'T MIND!"
"But it's not you I'm angry at. It's this goddess has-been who cries more often…" I deliberately aimed the rest of my sentence at Aqua, "…THEN WHEN I STUB MY TOE!"
"Sniff. You're such a brute, you shut-in emo…"
I was about to unleash my wrath upon her when Luna spoke through the PA system about an emergency at the front gates. Like last time, everyone in the guild kicked it into high gear and rushed outside the gates in record time.
My party and I were still weaving through the crowd to get front-row seats to the action. Everyone around us was speaking in hushed whispers.
"Alright, is it Flying Cabbages again? 'Cuz Jack Spicer, Cabbage Ninja has got this in the bag, baby!"
My amazing self-confidence immediately fizzled out when I witnessed the lone figure stationed atop a small mound. Saddled on a decapitated horse blacker than the void, there was an ominous knight clad in dark gray bulky armor with a black cape tied around where its neck should be.
The actual head, which was hidden under a helmet, was safely cradled in its left forearm. A singular, glowing maroon eye peeked out through the helmet's "T" visor carefully watching the crowd.
I was quaking in my combat boots at the mere sight of this abomination. Whatever it was, it reminded me of an awful lot of the armor Hannibal Roy Bean wears occasionally. He may be a freaky jellybean, but he's the evilest known creature on Earth.
In fact, from what I've researched, he was the one who tricked Chase Young into turning over to the Heylin side by having him drink the Lao Mang Lone Soup. That dish, brewed from Heylin magic, granted Chase immortality, but at the cost of turning him into the reptilian beast he is today.
After that, he trapped Bean in the Yang-Yang World, where I was duped into letting him out. Whenever he wore his big evil suit of armor to look bigger and even more evil, it looked kinda like the knight's armor, but with copious amounts of spikes protruding out of every square inch.
Even though this monster lacked the spikes of Hannibal's outfit, it more than made up for it in stoic creepiness.
"W-w-w-w-w-what is that thing?"
Darkness answered, "A Dullahan..."
"Personally, I would've gone with the Headless Horseman. But yours works too."
The undead knight, now established as a Dullahan, projected his voice loud and clear. It was the type of voice that boomed with respect and leadership.
"Citizens of Axel Town, I am one of the top generals in the Devil King's army. As you are no doubt aware, I have recently taken up residence in your nearby woodlands. I come forth to this insignificant land you call a kingdom with a notice of dissatisfaction."
He paused as his head growled in pent up fury. The Dullahan slowly continued, but steadily spoke faster with each word.
"Every day, every day, every bloody damn day I have reserved myself in the solitude of my home disturbing absolutely nobody when some nutjob decides to blow it all up like boom boom boom boom boom boom boom! That's what I have to wake up to every morning! So, let me ask…WHO IS THE SCREWBALL WHO KEEPS CASTING EXPLOSION MAGIC AT MY CASTLEEEEEEEEEEEE!?"
The horse stood on its hind legs and screeched an unholy animalistic sound while a strong dark aura blasted out of the rider and his steed.
The crowd cowered together and talked amongst themselves about who this anonymous spell caster could possibly be. When all eyes unsurprisingly locked on to Megumin, she took a page out of my improvisational skills and glared intently at some random mage girl to cast the blame off herself.
I never felt so proud of something that wasn't mechanical before in my life.
The crowd's stares went to the mage as she desperately pleaded for them to believe that it wasn't her who did it. After a moment of nonstop begging, the actual culprit lowered her hat over her eyes and sauntered to the enraged undead, despite my protest.
"What in the Heylin is that kid doing? She probably would've gotten away with pointing fingers…"
Megumin walked until she was halfway to the Dullahan where she stopped and remained perfectly composed.
"So you're the maniac who's responsible. Did you forget that I am one of the Devil King's top generals or do you just have a death wish? I may be undead, but I used to be a knight you know; it would be beneath me to attack a city of small fries. But I will do it if I have to! Do you know what it's like for me and my men to clean up the mess you make at my castle!? Well? What do you have to say for yourself!?"
The girl whipped her cape back and boldly proclaimed, "My name is Megumin! A proud Arch Wizard who commands Explosion magic!"
"…What is a 'Megumin'? Are you pulling my leg?"
"What – no! I am the most powerful wizard this city has to offer! And firing at your castle was all a trap to lure you right to us. We have the number advantage here, we can take you on!"
Megumin then pointed to me all the way behind her.
"Isn't that right, sensei?"
I froze, staring back at her like a deer caught in the headlights. Don't drag me down with you, girl!
After a brief moment of uncomfortable silence, Aqua suddenly charged ahead to Megumin's side while summoning her own staff as well.
"I don't care if you're in the Devil King's army or not, as an Archpriest, I cannot allow an undead like you to exist. Not only that, but you're the reason why I had to get a part-time job! Prepare yourself!"
The Dullahan lightly scoffed at the two competitors standing side by side. "A low-leveled Arch Wizard and Archpriest against my might? That's not brave, that's just foolish."
He raised his right hand, which began to glow a sickeningly dark aura and demanded.
"Crazy little girl, I order you to cease and desist your explosions on my castle. Do not make me ask twice."
She didn't hesitate nor stutter, "Impossible! We Crimson Demons need to unleash Explosion magic every day, otherwise, we'll die! I refuse to comply!"
"I have never heard of such a questionable claim. But since you refuse…"
He pointed his finger at her with his dark hand.
"I sentence thee to death. PREMONITION OF DEATH!"
Black magic lashed out from his hand like a striking viper and flew at the unprepared Megumin. But before it could touch her, Darkness slid in front of her from out of nowhere. The magic engulfed her entire body and as she screamed in pain, a horrible vision of a skull twitching sporadically appeared in front of her.
When the aura faded away, Darkness slumped to the ground.
That scene was burned into the back of mind from then on out. It wasn't like her usual fun-loving cry of discomfort, it sounded like actual hell for her.
I don't have any recollection of transitioning from the crowd to Darkness' side; I wanna say I flew over to her with my HeliBot, but I can't be sure. It didn't matter at the time as all I could do was shoot her question after question about the state of her well-being. Even though she was on her knees and convulsing like she had run a marathon, she still gave me a solid smile.
"It's alright, leader. I'm okay."
A tidal wave of relief washed over me. That was an incredibly close call, too close in fact.
The undead bastard hummed like he was thinking something over.
"Perhaps this could work to my advantage. Your crusader ally will die in a week's time. She will suffer for seven days as she trembles in fear of death, and it will be all your fault. If you truly care for your friend, come fight me at my castle like the 'proud Arch Wizard' you claim yourself to be. I shall await your arrival."
As he turned his horse around to leave, Darkness stabbed her sword into the ground to prop herself. However, she refused to look directly at the unholy commander.
"Disgraceful. To think you were once a knight makes me sick to the core. So, you're saying you won't lift this curse off of me unless I submit to your whims, is that it?"
He said, "What?"
"I will not allow a mere curse to break my spirit. I cannot give in, but…but…"
Darkness snapped her head in my direction. Her face looked just like mine whenever I was on the brink of world domination, except it was accompanied by the meanest blush that ever blushed. I nearly wet myself, I was that spooked.
"What shall I do Jack!? I can feel his filthy eyes on me, hungry, WANTING! Just look at his eyes, those are the eyes of a closet pervert – one who would make a sex slave of me! And to break the curse, I shall have to submit my body to all manner of pornographic acts over and over again!"
Darkness was standing on her own now and hyperventilating. The Dullahan was backing away slowly as she continued doing…whatever it was she was doing.
"You might dominate my body if you wish, but you will never dominate my heart...hah...Just the mere prospect of being chained up to a cold stone wall and being forced to submit to this beast fills me with adrenaline..."
If there was one thing on Earth I never thought to imagine hearing, it's a lady knight squeeing (y'know, like that thing girls do in chick flicks?) over the idea of willingly becoming a victim to human trafficking.
"OH THE HORROR~! What should I do, Jack!? I didn't expect things to become this risqué- -"
"But, but, but they never were until you started putting words in his mouth…"
"…I don't want to go, but I have no choice! I shall resist as long as I can; do not try to save me!"
Darkness made a mad dash to the twitching undead general. I ran up and grabbed her by her underarms to drag her back.
"Darkness cut it out! You're making the Headless Horseman of all people uncomfortable; how do you even do that?"
With almost no reaction time, the Dullahan got all uppity with me.
"What the -!? How dare you compare me to my stepfather! All that freeloader ever does is roam the woods at night spooking lost travelers! But do you ever see that piece of trash pay his taxes?
NoooOOOooo! I am nothing like that alcoholic deadbeat, DO YOU HEAR ME!"
…
Wow. Daddy issues much? I mean, I've got beef with my old man, but you don't hear me getting emotional over him. That's with my mom.
Eventually, the general got his act together and cleared his nonexistent throat.
"Well, err, my challenge still stands. Come to my castle, Crimson Demon, if you value your friend's life." As he turned his horse back around, a distorted portal opened in front of him.
"I'll be waiting."
The Dullahan and his ride entered the portal just as it collapsed. There was a terrible silence among our group.
Finally, the Megumin walked in the direction of the forest without saying anything.
"Where are you going?"
"If that bastard wants a fight, he's got one. It's the only way to save our friend."
I tried to argue against her, but the words got caught up in my throat and died there. Megumin was going on a suicide mission, that much was obvious. I didn't want her to die, but for the life of me, I couldn't speak against it. If I stopped her, then I would be indirectly responsible for Darkness' death.
I didn't want any one of my teammates to die (I'm still on the fence with Aqua), but something about Darkness dying in particular was a thought I didn't know if I could stomach.
I know I'm probably going to regret this, and my brain is screaming at me to reconsider, but I think I've made my decision.
Quickly breathing in and out, I jogged over to Megumin.
"If you're going, then I'm going too."
"But Jack, this is my fight, not yours. You had nothing to do with this."
"Heh, yeah, well, I'm technically an accomplice to your mess-up. So I'm tagging along – and believe me, okay, believe me, I'd much rather go hide under my haystack, alright!?"
Get ahold of yourself, Spicer. Puff out that chest and at least look brave, dammit!
"But…I've been told I need to trust my gang more. Even if I am skeptical about your decision, I'm putting my faith in you that you know what you're doing. Plus, I wanna show that bad guy what real evil tastes like!"
I felt arms snake their way around me and before I knew it, I was pulled into a hug. Honestly, I wasn't expecting that. I didn't know what to expect, but still. I'm not even sure if I should hug back or not. Am I denying her comfort if I don't or will come off as awkward if I do?
Do you see now why I don't do hugs? They make me all frazzled!
At least Megumin obeyed the 3-second rule on hugging before things could escalate any further. I thought I was about to bug out if she held on for any longer. Oh well, at least she seems pumped about my offer to go with her.
"Alright, partner, let's show this bad guy that we're worse than any demon he commands!"
Darkness interrupted, "Friends, please, don't try to fight him; physical attacks are ineffective against the undead. If sacrificing my own life is what it takes to protect all of you, then- -"
"Sacred Break Spell!"
Out of the blue, our blue party member aimed her staff at Darkness and the flower bud on top opened up to shoot out a magical energy beam. It engulfed the crusader in a flashing light show and she squeaked in surprise. Two Cupid-like angels hovered over Darkness to literally lift the curse off of her like a bedsheet and floated away into the clouds.
After that was over, Darkness stood in place blinking. We turned to Aqua with dumbstruck expressions. All she did was put her hands behind her back and smile innocently at us followed by a head tilt. She really is like Cousin Megan.
"What? Archpriests are known for their supportive roles."
Soon the entire crowd of adventurers surrounded Aqua and praised her for lifting the curse. She happily paid them back by performing Nature's Beauty for all the males.
Meanwhile, we were left wondering what the hell had happened back there.