Bad lord, who knew living in a high-fantasy, video gamey world could be so BORING!?
Well, actually, no, I've always had my doubts about living the rest of my life here. Think about it: I'm stuck on a backwater planet so far behind on the Kardashev scale, it's lollygagging in the negatives! The culprit behind this? A global foundation built upon magic instead of science. That means local tech is either brain-numbingly simplistic or powered by the occult (which pretty much does all the work really). As such, there's no TV or internet to speak of.
Lemme tell ya, if I weren't so motivated to become this world's hottest new Devil Queen, I would've asked to be reborn back on Earth as like a monkey or something. At least then I'd be an animal who knows how to stave off boredom in the wild.
I know I can use my trans-dimensional network router to access the internet and pirate virtually anything back home, but the download time takes triple the amount of time thanks to being in a parallel universe. Learned that the hard way when I went to transfer Attack Squad Sigma's memory files from my evil lair's computer. Same thing goes for trying to redownload any of my PC games. But still, I think I should try to hold off on those until after my gaming setup gets expanded.
Seriously, I have got to move out of those stables soon…
Anyway, all of that is only part of the problem if you can believe it. See, the whole "magical aesthetic" as Aqua calls it doesn't really do it for me personally. I've been jaded to it way before I even showed up here. Discovering magic on Earth was mind-blowing at first but a few dozen rounds of getting my butt kicked over mystical knickknacks made it lose its charm real quick. I once even had a 20 foot tall cyclops working for me for a bit. Wasn't nearly as great as it sounds.
So, with nothing else going on for me at the moment, I resigned to rebuilding the JackBots that got trashed by the Winter Shogun. After that, I went ahead and built some entirely new bots from scratch just for the heck of it. That is, until I couldn't use Sandbox Mode anymore because my mana meter ran out and I had no potions left to spare.
Since building robots was the only thing keeping me going insane, I decided to shell out my hard-earned eris and visit Wiz for a resupply. Hopefully none of her mana-restoring potions have a weird defect like taking ten years off my lifespan.
What was supposed to be an uneventful walk in the cold turned into a tagalong misadventure with Aqua who insisted – nay, demanded – on coming with me. Something to do with making sure, "no smelly Undead was doing anything unholy," or something, I don't know. She probably had nothing better to do after she got laid off from her part-time job. Seems winter is an even bigger bitch than her.
After meandering through mostly empty streets, we finally made it to front entrance of the lich's shop. But before I had a chance to open the door, Aqua stopped me by grabbing onto my wrist so suddenly.
"Aaaaand you're invading Jack's personal bubble, why?"
"Let's get something straight first," She said pointedly. "Having to deal with Wiz is bad enough already, so I don't want you acting up while we do business here. We go in, I have some tea, you get whatever you need, and then we leave. No causing any trouble, understand?"
I gawked at her, yanking my arm free while doing so. Was she really lecturing me on being well-behaved? That was wrong on so many levels, and not the good kind of wrong, either. Just...bad-wrong.
"Well ain't that the pot calling the kettle black! This is coming from the same person who was whining the other day about how they threw a tantrum over getting laid off from their job. You have no say on how to act in public, you wannabe goddess."
Said poser almost went off on me like clockwork. However, a smug smirk quickly formed on Aqua's face as she placed her hands squarely on her hips (a telltale sign that backsass was imminent). "Says the fake edge lord who once cried in front of the bakery because the baker man stopped giving him free samples~"
"…Oh yeah? W-well…at least I'm not above sobbing in public! Unlike YOU! Besides, why call them 'free samples' if there's a limit to how many I can have!?"
Aqua's smirk never faltered, nor did her stance. Once again, I was left feeling emasculated by someone more powerful than me. Not that I wasn't already used to it, but I was getting pretty damn sick of it.
The blue bimbo already stepped inside before I had a chance to retort, forcing me to catch up with her. Even though I was still upset from getting schooled by a stuck-up ditz, I felt immediate satisfaction getting out of the cold and coming into a warm building. There must've been some kind of heat magic going on inside to keep customers toasty during the winter. Admittedly a genius move on Wiz's part.
Speaking of Wiz, she was stationed behind the counter like always. She seemed to be in the middle of inspecting a bottle of god-knows-what before she noticed us. "Oh, Jack and Lady Aqua! Please, come in, make yourselves at home!"
"Don't have to tell me twice," Aqua muttered while sitting down at the only table this shop could afford. "I'll have my usual. Make sure you wear mittens when serving it this time; I don't want your undead body temperature making my tea cold."
"Y-yes, Lady Aqua! I'll get right on it!"
Just like that, Wiz was rushing into the backroom to brew some tea. Accompanied by a loud crash which made me jump. Other than that, though, this was usually how visits here were conducted.
After Wiz served Aqua her tea (wearing cute purple mittens no less), she was able to direct me to the shelves stocked with mana-restoring potions. The standard brand, of course. She tried to sell me on these "special" potions which could restore magic at the cost of strength, speed, and dexterity, but I declined.
As I selfishly embraced my inner scalper and cleared out her entire stock of only decent items, Wiz said, "By the way, Jack, I know it's old news, but I recently heard about your exploit over Beldia. Did you really defeat him?"
I paused reaching for another bottle when she asked that. I mean…who was I to turn down bragging rights, right?
However, before I took my chance to gloat, Aqua went ahead and ruined it by remarking, "No he didn't, it was a team effort. Well, technically it was 90% me, but still."
"Nuh-uh! I was the one who delivered the finishing blow, remember? I tossed his head into your purification beam thing!"
Aqua doubled downed on her argument. "Yeah, my purification beam thing! So that means my magic got him in the end! Besides, anyone can toss a Dullahan's head; there's no skill in that."
"You kidding? No one can do a mad hook shot like I can!"
Aqua and I glared at each other silently, the tension running thick in the air between us.
Sensing that a domestic dispute was in the making, Wiz stepped in and cleared her throat. "In any case, I'm shocked you were able to beat Beldia at all. Why, even amongst the other generals, he was quite the swordsman. His skills with the blade were second only to the Winter Shogun himself."
Yeah, the JackBots can attest to that. At least when they were fighting Beldia, they didn't have to stop and reboot themselves to process how fast he was moving.
Aqua stopped slurping her tea obnoxiously to give Wiz a strange look. Well, an even stranger look than the one she already gives her every time they meet. "Do all you undead have connections with each other or what? Because it sounds an awful lot like you knew him personally."
A gray tinged blush soon formed on the lich's face before she gazed down at the floor in what looked like shame.
"Well…to tell you the truth…I'm one of the eight generals of the Devil King…"
…
Aqua was already getting ready for battle while I had my finger above the "CALL BOTS" button.
"No – WAIT! Please don't kill me!" screamed the general. "I can explain, really!"
"Then start talkin' before my JackBots go full SWAT team on your shop," I retorted without skipping a beat. Man, I've always wanted to make a cool threat and look badass while doing it!
Nodding her head like crazy, Wiz steadied her breathing before explaining. "You see, while I am technically aligned with the Devil King's Army, I'm really only a general in name. To be classified as a general, you must be strong enough to passively maintain the barrier protecting the Devil King's castle at all times. That's all I do: I maintain the barrier and nothing more. Honest!"
Aqua (who still had murderous intent written all over her face) cracked her knuckles as she took a step towards Wiz. "So what you're saying is, you're what's stopping us from breaching the Devil King's castle, right?"
"Yes – I MEAN NO! I mean…it's not that simple," Wiz relented, wringing her hands nervously. "You see, even if you do decide to kill me – which I won't fault you for – you won't be able to get past the barrier with all the other generals still active."
I asked, "Well, who else is there?"
The lich looked up to the ceiling as she stuck out a finger for each and every general she named. "Umm, let's see…You've already defeated Beldia the Dullahan, so that leaves Vanir the Archduke of Hell, Hans the Deadly Poison Slime, Sylvia the Growth Chimera, Wolbach the Dark Goddess, Serena the Dark Priestess, and finally the Devil King's Daughter, Akarui."
O-oh. So it's just those guys, huh…? Uuuhhh, yeah, whatever, no big deal! My elite crew of evil warriors will give those chumps a run for their- -
Nope, couldn't even buy into my own bullshit. I have no faith in our current abilities.
Aqua on the other hand…
"Pfft, they don't sound so tough."
I looked at her like she was insane. Ah, who am I kidding – SHE WAS! "One of the generals is literally a dark goddess. How does that not scare you!?"
"You mean Wolbach? Oh please, that hussy's got nothing on me!" Aqua insisted. "Besides, my loyal Axis followers sealed her away a long time ago. Even if she did somehow manage to break free after all those years, she'd only be half as powerful as she was before."
"Oh. So what you're saying is, she'd be on your playing level right now?"
A vein bulged on her forehead in an instant. "And what is that supposed to mean!?"
I decided to calm my nerves by helping myself to a spoonful of teasing. "Demigod~"
It was totally worth getting splashed in the face with scalding tea. Okay, partially worth it. Maybe half worth it. Slightly worth it?
Scratch that, the third degree burns were setting in. Definitely not worth it!
Despite the two of us threatening to kill Wiz just minutes ago, she was surprisingly adamant about chewing Aqua's head off for burning my face like that. In fact, she was so menacing in that moment, it was enough to make the demigod apologize and heal me. Maybe having a Devil King General for a friend ain't such a bad idea after all.
After my burns faded away thanks to Aqua's healing spell, I said to Wiz, "So basically, if there's even one general left alive out there in the world, the barrier protecting your boss' castle will still be up?"
"I wouldn't exactly call the Devil King my 'boss' per say, but, yes, the barrier will stay erect so long as there's at least one general still active."
The sound of cracking knuckles made me turn to Aqua, who suddenly switched back into murder mode while Wiz threw her hands up in surrender (funny considering how recent their roles were reversed).
"L-Lady Aqua, please, don't be so hasty!" sputtered Wiz. "I know what you're thinking, but you really don't have to kill me; the situation isn't nearly that black and white! Ever since Beldia's death, I could feel the strength of the barrier begin to waver. True, it will still be up so long as there's one of us left alive, but by then it will be severely weakened. From there, it will no longer be impossible to penetrate it compared to when it was at full power."
"Yeah, I figured," Aqua agreed as she took another menacing step forward. "But there's also a huge bounty on the Devil King's generals, and I need to pay back my overdue bar tab, soooo..."
Jesus, how can an airhead like her be more ruthless than someone like me? It's not fair I tell ya! I know gods have it out for anything unholy and junk, but holy hell is Aqua kicking it into high gear!
Wiz squeaked miserably, "B-b-b-but I'm no threat…! All I wanted to do was open a magic shop, and the only requests the Devil King gave me was to maintain his barrier and keep my identity a secret! In fact, I'm so harmless, nobody's bothered to put a bounty on me!"
Aqua's shoulders sagged and her fists uncurled as her arms went slack. "Really? Aww man, now how am I gonna pay back my debt!? The barkeep won't serve me drinks until I give him his money! What can I do, Jack, what can I do!?"
"You can join an Alcoholics Anonymous program."
"How will that help pay my bar tab!?"
I ignored the sobbing woman clinging on to my sleeve to ask Wiz an important question. "Hey, if you side with the bad guys yet you refuse to do anything bad, doesn't that technically make you a good guy?"
The Devil King General blinked (though it looked more like a wink because of the bangs covering her right eye) and she slowly answered, "Oh, umm, y-yes, I am. At least, I like to think so, anyway."
Great, just what I need in my life: more good guys to rain on my evil parade. It's almost like fate's trying to tell me something that I don't wanna hear. I'm a bad guy, darn it, and nobody can say otherwise!
Focus, Jack, you still haven't asked Wiz your real question yet. Keep your head in the game.
"Rrrright. In that case, why are you aligned with the Devil King in the first place? I mean, what are you, some kind of an oxymoron? Wait, is that how that word is used? I don't know, I got a D in English."
Wiz's visible eye darted down to the floor. She held onto her forearm with her hand as she stood there in silence. I was honestly having a hard time getting a read on the girl. Then again, I did spend most of my life interacting with the JackBots, and I never exactly built their faceplates to emote. So maybe I'm not the best guy to pick up on social cues.
Eventually, Wiz managed to lock eyes with me. Even though her bangs hid one of her eyes, I could practically feel both of them staring intensely into my soul. This is why I don't like people making eye contact with me.
"Mr. Spicer, while I'm truly gratefully you and your companions spared me and allowed me to continue running my shop in peace, I'm afraid what you're asking is a touch too personal to disclose at this time. Please do not be insulted, I simply feel as though we aren't close enough for those kind of discussions just yet."
Thankfully, her eyes softened and she broke contact with mine. I always feel like I'm being held hostage whenever someone maintains eye contact with me. It's not cool unless I'm purposefully doing it to them!
"But…" Wiz whispered, "Let's just say it ties into me becoming a lich and leave it at that. For now, anyway…"
Huh. Okay then. I guess it makes sense that an undead lich wouldn't be too comfortable spilling their life story with some rando. Eh, as long as she doesn't try to destroy my newly conquered world a million years from now, I don't really care.
"So that's it, then?" questioned Aqua. "We're just gonna let her go about her business like nothing's changed?"
I gave her a look. "I don't see why not. You heard the lady, she doesn't seem to care about snitching on us to the Devil King. So, in a way, she's on our side. AKA, the winning side."
Aqua stomped her foot like a child. "But wouldn't it make our lives so much easier if we just end her now!? That's one less general we'd have to deal with!"
Having enough of her psychopathic tendencies, I pulled the girl away from Wiz and we huddled so I could whisper to her. "Look, I get where you're coming from, but right now, Wiz doesn't have any beef with us even though she really should. This is a rare opportunity for us; it's not every day we get to be buddy-buddy with a Devil King General. They say, 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer', so let's capitalize on that. Think of all the juicy insider knowledge she could share with us."
Aqua's mouth turned into a thin neutral line, and she moved it from side to side. Kinda like what I do when I'm mulling something over but I'm still not sure about it.
"Besides, even if we were able to storm the DK's castle right this second, we'd still be under-leveled. Plus, and we'd need a huge army of robots to back us up, and that takes time."
"Can't you just, like, build a factory and mass-produce them or something?" she questioned rudely.
"Oh yeah, sure, if you want to be soulless about it. Where's the love in doing that, huh?"
Aqua rolled her eyes at me, but she eventually relented. Satisfied with myself, we broke our little huddle and gave Wiz big grins and a thumbs-up. She seemed content and smiled softly at us.
And hey, while we're at it, might as well see if I can't convince her to teach me an exclusive Undead Skill. I did have points saved up and I did say I'd keep her around to help me in my quest for world domination. No time like the present!
"Say, Wiz, now that we're best chums and all, I was wondering...Could you teach me one of your cool lich moves?"
Before she had a chance to respond, I squeaked in pain as my was getting tugged by guess who.
"Oh no you don't, mister!" Aqua chided as she tugged harder. "I won't have you learning any dark arts. Not while I'm here!"
"OW! Oh c'mon, Aqua! It'll be really cool – OW! YOU'RE GONNA TEAR OFF MY EARLOBE, GIRL!"
"Absolutely not!" She stated adamantly. "I am a goddess: I represent purity and holiness. Wiz may be our friend now, but she's anything but holy! If I allow you to learn a Skill from an Undead, I'd be failing at my job!"
Doesn't getting exiled from Heaven technically count as failing your job?
"So no, I forbid you from learning any and all spells from Wiz- -"
"If you make an exception, I'll buy you a steak dinner and some wine tonight. Deal?"
"Deal."
Double standards for the win! I rubbed my aching ear as I repeated my original question to Wiz.
"Oh, um…Sure, it's the least I could do for you. What did you have in mind?"
I shrugged. "I dunno. Surprise me."
Wiz cupped her chin, humming in thought. She eyed me up and down until her attention was drawn to my forgotten bag of potions I had left on the ground nearby. "I can't help but notice that whenever you stop, you tend to clear out my stock of mana restoration potions. I presume your mana pool is still fairly limited?"
"Don't remind me…" I grumbled in response. "But yeah, it's true. I've been told it increases for every Level you gain but I don't think it's gotten any bigger since!"
"You could always try grinding more often instead of letting your bots do all the work for you," Aqua snarked.
"I'm a scientist, not a caveman. So put a sock in it, woman."
Wiz continued, "In any case, I would be glad to teach you Drain Touch. It's a skill that absorbs and transfers an opponent's mana and constitution. The only drawback is that you have to make physical contact with the enemy in order for it to work. But if used wisely, it can be an extremely versatile Skill!"
So basically, it's an enhanced version of the Drain Life Force power from Knights of the Old Republic…
Well, with a pitch like that, I'm sold! Now all I needed was for HK-47 to come in and make a funny quip about homicide, then we'd be all set! That droid is like my evil muse, you know.
"Heck yeah, that sounds dope! Gimme, gimmie!"
Wiz waved her hands and frantically shouted, "N-Now hold on, there's still a problem here! In order for me to show you the Skill so it can appear on your card, I'll need...an o-opponent…"
Instantly, I looked over to Aqua.
"Not in your wildest dreams, boy," she stated in a flat tone. "I may be turning a blind eye here, but I am not going to be your guinea pig."
I waved her off as my attention went back to Wiz. "Eh, it's fine. If it means getting in tune with the Dark Side, I don't mind trading in a little energy. Drain away, girlfriend!"
"A-ah. Alright, then…" relented the lich as she firmly but gently grasped my hands with hers. Despite being cold from the lack of body heat, they actually felt kinda…nice. "But I promise to only absorb a little. Drain Touch!"
A purple glow engulfed our hands and- -
"gAH!"
"Jack!"
The second Wiz let go of me, I fell to the floor, coughing up my lungs. I felt severely nauseous and I would've thrown up if I hadn't been so focused on keeping my breakfast down.
Aqua swooped in to help me get back on my feet. She lashed out at the lich, "What the hell, you slimy undead creep!? You said you'd only drain a little of his energy!?"
Wiz was on the verge of tears as she defended herself. "I did! I only drained 1% of his overall energy before he collapsed on me! I didn't expect his magical defense to be that low!"
Aqua merely glared at her, causing the lich to look away in shame. In a very rare moment of what I could only guess was genuine selflessness, the goddess gave me a temporary buff to all my stats free of charge. "There. You feeling any better now, Jack?"
I just remember being stunned that she would do something like that while asking if I was alright. It was so out of character for her!
That, and…I wasn't normally used to this kind of treatment...especially from her.
"Uh, y-yeah, I feel better now," I answered while rubbing my head. "Thanks?"
"No problem!" she cheerfully replied, reverting back to her usual self. "I told you that you need to level up more. You must be really weak if losing 1% of your strength was too much for you to handle!"
For some reason, her jab there didn't sting all that much. Either she was just being playful or I was beginning to develop a thicker skin for insults. She's so dense sometimes that it's honestly hard to tell if she means what she says or not.
Wiz apologized nonstop as I nodded and acquired the Drain Touch Skill for myself. Hopefully with this new spell, I won't have to account for mana potions in my budget anymore! It may be watered down due to it being a cross-class Skill, but I think I can still get some good mileage out of it. Now I just needed someone with a high source of power to drain from and I can finally get to work on building a proper evil lair. Good thing Aqua is known for being a heavy sleeper!
A bell ringing popped my daydream bubble as some old-timer entered the shop.
"Excuse me, but is Miss Wiz available? I have a bit of a problem on my hands..."
My Evil Posse and I stood outside the front gates of the mansion with Attack Squad Sigma (plus the four new JackBots I built) hovering patiently behind us.
To make a long story short, the old man who visited Wiz's shop was the landlord of a high-income mansion in the far corner of town. He explained that spirits were haunting it and he asked Wiz to help exorcise them. He claimed no matter how often he did it himself, more spirits would fill up the mansion by nightfall.
Sprouting the idea lightbulb at roughly the same time, Aqua and I badgered the old geyser into letting us do it in exchange for permanent residence there (rent free, of course). After enough pestering, he reluctantly agreed. But he was also adamant about us chasing away the spirits for good or no free mansion. If there's one thing I was good at, it was making ghosts want to get away from me, so I wasn't too worried.
In fact, the moment Aqua and I walked out of the shop, we celebrated prematurely with our own little victory dances. I choose to "Do the Robot", naturally.
When we told Megumin and Darkness the news, they were just as stoked as we were. So, we all packed our personal belongings around evening and made our way to the mansion, which brings us to the present. It was fairly similar to my mansion back home on Earth: two-stories tall, huge brick wall for a perimeter, freshly cut grass, a few trees, shrubbery, the works.
Finally, after sleeping in stables for far too long, I was finally moving back into a mansion, my happy place!
"Hah, it's beautiful I tell ya!" I couldn't help but exclaim. "Goodbye smelly stables and helloooo Spicer Mansion II!"
Megumin shot me a curious glance. "Spicer Mansion II? What ever happened to Spicer Mansion I?"
"Oh, that was my old home back on Earth. Well, technically my home-away-from-home but, regardless, that's where I spent half of my childhood."
The small fry gaped at me like a fish that found out it was adopted. "…You used to live in a mansion and never told us!?"
"Yup, it had me evil lair in it and everything," I reminisced while ignoring the baffled noises that came out of Megumin's mouth. "Although this one's pretty close to the first. Hey, maybe if I'm lucky, there'll even be a basement where I can set up my new base of operations!"
Unfortunately, the annoying blue thing standing beside me jumped at the chance to mock me as she snickered, "I see you're deadest on returning to you shut-in, hikikomori roots. Guess you've done enough socializing for one lifetime, huh~?"
"Okay, that's it, what have I told you about pushing my buttons already!?"
Before we could have a go at ripping each other apart again, Darkness interrupted, "Settle down, you two! Technically speaking, this home isn't ours unless we exorcise the spirits and any more that come in."
Aqua apparently forgot about me entirely as she switched back to her usual, happy dumb self. "Don't worry guys! I'm a certified Archpriest and a goddess; I'm basically like an anti-undead expert! Lemme just work my magic and uncover what paranormal activities are afoot."
Raising her sparkly hands in the air, Aqua closed her eyes and began to explain to us – in great detail – about every ghost currently haunting the mansion. Seriously, she gave us each spirit's life story like she had known them personally. Needless to say, I lost interest real quick and I motioned for the JackBots to follow me inside. I glanced back just to make sure if Darkness and Megumin were following, and I was glad to see they were. I guess even they have their limits when it comes to dealing with that chump.
Once we made it inside the foyer, we instantly noticed how dusty the house was. It looked like no one had lived in here for years! Maybe that's what drew the ghosts here in the first place.
Darkness hummed, "Well, this simply won't do. If we plan on moving in, we're going to have to give this place a thorough cleaning."
Megumin sighed, "I'll go find where they keep the cleaning supplies…"
Smirking, I snapped my fingers, the JackBots instantly hovering around me and causing the two girls to watch in what had to be curious awe.
"Oh boys? Would you mind giving this place the patented Spicer Mansion Routine Dusting?"
"You didn't even have to ask, sir," said JB-CUPC4K3 before he and the rest of the bots retracted their claws in favor of feather duster fingers. Soon my boys split up around the house to start dusting, with CUPC4K3 staying behind to get the foyer.
Sensing the stunned wonderment coming from Megumin and Darkness, I grinned at them as I seized the opportunity to toot my own horn. "The standard JackBot unit has the distinct advantage of being very versatile. While a robot made to fill a specific niche is better off in the long run, my boys here are equipped to handle most things, whether stressful or mundane."
It took a moment for any of them to respond, but it was ultimately my young evil apprentice who broke the silence first: "Your golems are so fucking cool, man…"
"MEGUMIN! Language/Robots!" Dark and I stared at each other for a sec after talking at the same time before our attention went back to the mage.
"Wha – C'mon Darkness!" cried an indignant Megumin. "I'm legally an adult, I'm allowed to curse if I want to! Hell, I've done it before and I'm doing it right now! Besides, you let Jack away with it!"
"That is true. Perhaps I should teach him to be a little more mindful of his mouth as well," Darkness said as she eyed me (What did I do?). "Regardless, that word in particular is a bit much for you to use, even if you are 13. Hell and damn and such are not as bad, admittedly, but I don't like the idea of you using vulgar words so freely in your daily lexicon."
The Crimson Demon pulled down the brim of her hat and looked away from the Crusader. "First you won't let me drink, now you're scolding me for my language. I'd just wish you'd all stop seeing me as a kid already and treat me like an equal…"
Darkness looked like she didn't know what to say. I don't blame her, I didn't know what to say either. I wasn't expecting things to get so real all of a sudden. First there was that one moment of genuine kindness from Aqua, and now these two are having a heart-to-heart? I thought I was running a circus here, not a poetry slam.
At any rate, the blonde knight seemed to figure out how to proceed. She stepped forward to the girl and carefully placed a hand on her shoulder. Megumin slowly lifted her hat just enough to peek up at Darkness and see her smiling softly.
"You are an equal, Megumin, that's never changed. I understand I may across as a little overbearing to you, but that's only because I don't want your life to end up in the gutter before it has a chance to truly begin. I thought I knew everything when I was your age, but here I am now: 18 and still learning new things! People never really stop growing, you know…"
Megumin shifted from foot to foot, still looking unsure of herself.
Darkness offered her an ultimatum, "Tell you what, the next time we have alcohol with one of our meals, I'll permit you a small cup. I recommend small as every alcoholic beverage has an acquired taste and you may not like some. That, and I don't want to risk you getting inebriated – !?"
Darkness was cut off by an ecstatic half-pint hugging her waist and jumping up and down while thanking her relentlessly. The older woman chuckled lightly at the reaction and hugged her back.
...Okay, I'm a third wheel and this was getting too cutesy for my liking. So I turned around and excused myself out.
"Welp, I'm gonna go check out our new digs and maybe pick a room to crash in. Night, Megumin. Night, Dark."
"Hey, wait a minute!"
Already done with this, I sighed and looked back to address Megumin. "What is it?"
"I've been wondering, how come you came up with a nickname for Darkness but not for me or Aqua?"
"Listen, I'd call you 'Meg' for short, but that'd be too cruel, even for me."
"How would calling me Meg be cruel exactly?"
"You wouldn't get it," I answered plainly, speaking immediately after as to not give her a chance to further question it. "Besides, I don't know about you, but 'Darkness' can be a bit of a mouthful to say every single time. That's why I sometimes shorten it to 'Dark' in order to make things easier on me. Well, that and because it sounds cool."
Since we were discussing Dark, the woman herself began to blush from being the center of attention. That's normally well and dandy, but something about the way she blushed seemed different somehow. I may be overthinking it, but that didn't look like her usual "I'm horny" blush. Instead it looked more like a "I'm being complimented" blush. Not that I'd know what that looks like, but that's just what it felt to me anyway.
"I don't know...What do you think about all this, Darkness?" Megumin asked the flustered blonde, snapping her back into reality.
"Huh? Oh, uh, I…I don't see anything wrong with Jack calling me D-Dark for short. In fact, I too find the nickname to be…c-cool sounding…"
The "adult" Archwizard shrugged her shoulders and made her way down a nearby hall. "Suit yourself then. I'm gonna go find a room to call my own. Take care, everyone!"
Now that it was just the two of us, we didn't really know what should be said, if anything at all. So we just kinda stood there for a while...awkwardly.
JB-CUPC4K3 had just finished dusting the foyer and was preparing to fly down a hallway when I said, "I'll…go make sure the bots have everything under control, yeah?"
"Y-Yes, that sounds reasonable."
"Dope…Soooo…Catch ya later then...Dark?"
The Crusader gazed upwards at me before a small smile found its way onto her lips. "Yes, I will 'catch you later' as well, Jack."
Feeling my own cheeks heat up, I quickly spun around and followed my robot down into the dusty hallway.
What was up with her? In fact, what was up with my whole party recently? Ever since that disastrous Snow Sprite quest, they've been acting strange (well, stranger). They still behave like their weird selves, but they also seem a little more…human? Like, they're only just now starting to act like real people?
I dunno, man, I've hung out with robots all my life; understanding how they're programmed is way easier in my opinion. The human brain is life's most complicated supercomputer, and I just don't have the skillset to hack it.
At any rate, while everyone was out picking their rooms and the JackBots were dusting everything, I decided to get a good layout of my new crib. The bedrooms were all plain and simple, but serviceable enough. The living room had a nice tall ceiling, windows, a couch, a dining table, and a cozy fireplace inside a chimney. Although that last attraction was a moot point given how this world has no Santa to climb down it. Looks like I wouldn't be getting coal for Christmas this time. Real shame, too, I worked so hard to get on the Naughty List this year…
Well, anyway, there was also a roomy kitchen to work in, as well as several pointless rooms that only rich people like us can afford. Along with the occasional robot passing by, it was already starting to feel like home.
After my homesickness was finally cured, I managed to hit the MEpot yet again: a door to a cellar! The door squeaked painfully when I opened it, but that didn't deter me from going in. My HeliBot extended a mechanical arm with a built-in flashlight to help me see better as I descended down the brick stairs. The walls were lined with unlit candle holders that I'm fairly sure haven't had their wax changed in a long time. Not that it matters much, candles will become obsolete as soon as I install electrical wiring.
I soon made it down the stairs and into a wide open, rectangular room. There were rows upon rows of shelves arranged in a maze-like pattern, with each one containing cubby holes for dark-colored bottles. In the far right corner sat large wooden kegs. It didn't take long for me to piece together just what kind of cellar this was.
Either way, this underground area was the right size and width to construct my second evil lair, baby! I snickered evilly to myself at the thought as I crossed between the rows of shelves.
Suddenly, from behind one of the rows, a shadowy figure jumped out at me while making karate noises. My evil snickering quickly morphed into sissy screaming, which then caused my assailant to scream in a similar manner. My HeliBot arm shined the flashlight to reveal the stranger in the shadows.
"Aqua!?"
The water goddess shielded her face with her arms and yelled, "Quit shinning that in my eyes!"
I lowered my light to the ground just enough to illuminate her pissed off expression. "I swear, one of these days you're gonna make me go deaf," she muttered while rubbing her ears with her finger. "What are you even doing down here?"
"I could be asking you the same thing. Also, WHY DID YOU JUMP OUT LIKE THAT!?"
"BECAUSE I HEARD SOMEONE SNICKERING AND THOUGHT IT WAS AN EVIL SPIRIT, DUMBASS!"
Aqua pushed her ragged hair out of her face after her outburst and composed herself. "After you guys so rudely left me outside, I came inside so I could get started on exorcising the spirits. Seriously, you sound like a creepy ghost when you do that snickering thing."
"Really? Huh...Well, I guess all that practicing in the mirror finally paid off then!"
"Normally, I'd slap you. But not even you can ruin the good mood that I'm in." The Archpriest cradled a bottle she was holding in her arms like it were an infant. "Mama found herself the treasure of a lifetime! Do you know what this is, Jack?"
I stared at her and the bottle for a solid three seconds before answering, "Uh…wine?"
Aqua was quick to gasp like she was offended and she smooshed the drink right up against her cheek. "You uncultured swine! This is no ordinary wine – oh no – this is a rare, exquisite wine that was discontinued about a decade ago. The best part? There's others just like it all in here!"
Oh joy. We've got ourselves a wine snob in the house. Perfect.
The snob rubbed her face along the bottle's glossy surface and sighed in contentment. "Once I'm done cleansing this house of ghosts, I'm gonna hop into a nice hot bubble bath. Then, I'm gonna get changed into some warm pajamas and take leisurely sips of this in my new bed~"
If this were coming from any other girl, I might've crumbled under sexual frustration. But seeing how this was Aqua…Yeah, not doing it for me, even if she is supernaturally beautiful. What a paradox.
So with a halfhearted "Have fun with that," I turned tail and jogged back upstairs. I also sent a direct message to every JackBot unit ordering them to file into the cellar to go to sleep mode once they were done cleaning the house. Sadly, they'll only get in the way of flushing out the ghosts. But at least we've got our resident goddess/Archpriest on the job, so I'm not worried.
Once I made it into the bedroom I claimed for myself, I locked the door to maintain my well-respected privacy before shedding my coat, shoes, and pants. I was feeling lazy and threw my googles, wrist device, and HeliBot all on top of the clothes pile I made. Now it was just me standing alone in my Frankenstein's Monster tee and skull boxers.
"You earned this freedom, Jack. You earned it…"
With sluggish movements, I fell onto my comfy new bed and exhausted the last of my energy to flip myself over on my back. The moment I realized this would be my new room, I think all the stress I had melted away, suddenly leaving me tired as hell. I yawned as I put my hands behind my head, too sleepy to bother extinguishing the lit candles in the room. Now I could finally relax in peace. Just me and my thoughts to keep me company.
…
How do I feel about Darkness? What kind of random thought was that!? There's nothing to feel: she's a horny jock trapped inside of a female knight's hourglass body. That's it. End of story. Let's move on.
…
Of course it's not love, don't be stupid, subconscious! At best, it would be a puppy crush, but even that's stretching it. If all my time pining over Chase Young has taught me anything, it's that love leads to physical and emotional pain. And I already get enough of that in my normal day-to-day life, so I don't see any point in looking for a relationship anytime soon.
…
Well yeah, no shit Dark isn't anything like Chase. For one, Chase is clearly a top.
…
Oh. Well…I'm still cautious on letting myself become completely vulnerable around her. Same goes for Aqua and Megumin. I kinda slipped up after my near-death experience with the Winter Shogun; my emotions got the better of me again. But just to be safe, I should still try to keep those girls at an arm's length in the off chance they dump me. They may be the longest team I've managed to keep intact, but Murphey's Law doesn't care. It's always active in my life, and I have the "luck" stat to prove it.
I'm just making sure not to set my hopes and expectations too high this time…That's all.
I didn't realize I had fallen asleep until I opened my eyes and saw that the room was dark. The candles must've gone out at some point during the night. The mansion was as quiet as a church mouse and I'd lost all sense of time. Although, my bodily clock did tell me it was just about time for nature to call, so that's probably what woke me up. I made an attempt to sit up when something out of the corner of my eye made me stop all together.
Sitting alone, in a chair, where the moonlight barely reached, sat a little girl's doll that I knew for a fact was not there before.
With my childhood instincts kicking in, I quickly hid under my sheets for safety. It took all the willpower I had left to hold in my bladder and not scream in fear. The heat from the covers mixed with the engulfing anxiety made me sweat bullets. I did my best to quiet my breathing as it was beginning to grow louder and more rapid with each passing second.
This can't be happening to me! I finally conquered my long-lasting fear of the dark this year and now THIS has to go and happen!? I've seen Child's Play, I know where this is going! I don't want to die like a dumb horror movie character! Please oh please just let this be a bad dream- -
It was subtle, very subtle, but I distinctly felt new weight being added onto my mattress. My pumping heart dropped to my stomach. With shaky hands, I lifted up the covers as slowly as humanly possible.
Several new dolls surrounded me at every angle.
I didn't even bother unlocking the door to get out; I put a Jack-shaped hole through it as I screamed bloody murder and cheesed it! I never looked back, instead I focused on making random, abrupt turns to shake off any dolls that could be following.
Unfortunately, my strategy soon backfired the moment I collided with a hard object and fell flat on my ass. Despite having the wind knocked out of me, I somehow miraculously managed to hold my bladder in.
"Augh!"
Wait a minute...I recognized the sound of that voice...and I recognized those glowing red eyes too! "Megumin? Is it really you!?"
The little girl groaned, "Ow…Yeah it's me – what the hell was that for, Jack!?"
I got up off the floor and helped the kid back on her own two feet. She was out of her day clothes and wearing light-red pajamas. "Uh, sorry? Just running from murderous dolls is all, heh-heh, aahh…"
Megumin's crimson eyes widen the moment I mentioned murderous dolls. "Really? Same here. I woke up to find them crawling all over my room. I-I was going to look for Aqua or Darkness and ask them to help me find the bathroom, but I got lost. In hindsight, we probably should've let each other know where we were beforehand."
The other two must be out exorcising the spirits, I'd wager. Actually, scratch that, Aqua is likely the only one who's doing any of that. Pretty sure Dark is out there somewhere begging for the ghosts to possess her as a form of humiliation or something.
"Oh, well what a coinkydink: I was about to go looking for the bathroom too before I got jumped by those haunted dolls."
Megumin gave me a look of scrutiny (boy, do I never get tired of those). "I thought you said that you weren't afraid of ghosts? That you even worked with them?"
I explained, "Regular ghosts I can handle just fine. But ghosts possessing creepy porcelain dolls? Noooo thank youuuu!"
Lazily shrugging, Megumin gazed downward before asking, "Say...if it's alright with you, would you mind helping me look for the b-bathroom, please? Y'know, since we both need to go and all…P-plus, there's strength in numbers!"
Hmm, risk getting ambushed alone by haunted dolls or sacrifice my high standards on privacy? Why do you gotta make me choose like this, universe!?
I ultimately sighed, "Alright, fine, you've made your point. C'mon, I have a notoriously weak bladder, so let's go find the bathroom already."
Nodding, Megumin took the rear as we crept through the halls to try and locate the oval office. I wouldn't admit it, but I was actually somewhat grateful for bumping into the Crimson Demon like I did. I'm at my wits end as is, so having some company to keep me from completely caving into fear was sorta comforting.
"Hey, Jack...You have some experience with ghosts, right?" asked Megumin.
"A little, yeah…"
"Why do you reckon they all like to congregate here in particular?"
I sighed, "I don't know, Megumin. If I had to wager a guess, I'd say ghosts just have this innate desire to haunt mansions. I know Wuya couldn't get enough of my old crib back home, and there's tons of video games with haunted mansions in them. Maybe ghosts just want to live the good life they never got?"
The wizard hummed to herself in thought but didn't say anything else after that. Eventually, we managed to finally locate the bathroom, the door to which was wide open and welcoming!
However, before I could make in, I felt a hand grab onto my wrist.
"A gentleman always lets the lady go first..." Megumin stated plainly.
"Too bad I ain't a gentleman..." I plainly stated back.
There was a moment of silence between us, the calm before the storm. Any sense of civility went right out the window as we immediately resorted to kicking, scratching, and biting each other over who gets dibs on the bathroom. Our scuffle got so intense, it even formed a dust cloud around us, just like in the cartoons. The JackBots must've missed a spot when they were first dusting the area.
I felt a sharp pain shoot up from my shin as I fell to the ground and tended to it. That twerp kicked me in the shin!
I was going to return the favor, but once the dust cloud settled, I couldn't find her. When I heard the door to the bathroom slam shut, I knew I was too late.
Refusing to admit defeat though, I banged on the door and shouted, "MEGUMIN! You come out there right now and let me go first! I don't think I can hold it any longer!"
"I'm sorry!" I heard her shout from behind the door. "But I need to go more! I'm sure there's another bathroom somewhere if you just keep looking! I believe in you, Jack!"
"Maybe you believe in me, BUT MY BLADDER SURE DOESN'T! NOW OPEN UP!"
I kept banging at the door for a while in spite of the girl's protests, but I eventually had to give up and cut my loses. If I don't find a bathroom soon, there was going to be another mess on the floor for the JackBots to clean up. And I did not want to subject them to that!
Flipping off the brat hiding behind the door, I scurried through the halls of the mansion, trying to think of dry thoughts in the meantime. Megumin had to be right, a huge house like this always has to have more than one bathroom; I mean, my own mansion had a total of six! If I just keep looking and continue thinking about eating saltine crackers in the desert, I'm sure I'll find- -
My heart threatened to claw its way out of my throat as I spotted a group of moving dolls at the left intersection of a new hallway. They weren't facing my direction yet, so, without thinking, I ducked inside a nearby supply closet, shutting the door as quietly as possible. Scooting back as far as I could, I hugged my knees as a means of both comforting myself and holding in my bursting bladder. I could hear the pitter-patter of the dolls' feet moving across the hall I was just in and approaching my hiding spot.
This was it, wasn't it? My second chance at life, and it ends with me silently crying in a supply closet on the verge of pissing myself as living dolls come to get me. Come to think of it, didn't I piss myself when I died in Hong Kong? Why is that the constant? I mean, it's marginally better than evacuating my bowels, but still.
More footsteps were fast approaching, and I could see shadows closing in from underneath the door. I closed my eyes and waited with bated breath...
That's when I felt a tickle on my nose. I snuck a peak to see what was causing the tickling.
It was a spider suspended in the air on a string of web.
Now, the next few seconds were a bit hazy, but I distinctly recall a lot of supplies getting thrashed around on top of me screaming. Like a lot. Either way, the next thing I knew, I was lying on the ground outside of a wrecked closet surrounded by a bunch of motionless dolls.
"Jack!?" x3
When I weakly lifted my head, I saw all three of the girls crowding over me, including that rat fink, Megumin. Darkness had one of those portable candle holders on her and it lit the hallway were in. Aqua was shaking her hand like it hurt and she looked down strangely at me.
"What were you doing in that closet?" she asked with what I was positive was a hint of attitude in her tone.
I tried to explain how I got in there to begin with, but I had so much trouble getting the words out that I just gave up and settled with a classic, "Shut up…"
"Hey – that is no way to speak to a goddess! Especially one who just exorcised all the spirts inhabiting those dolls around you."
"Wha…?"
Darkness elaborated, "It's true, I was aiding Aqua in exorcising the ghosts when Megumin found us saying she had spotted possessed dolls in the area. We all came as fast as we could, and Aqua used her powers to rip the souls out from the dolls' bodies so they could be purified. That's when we heard screaming and crashing from within the closet and suddenly you popped out!"
Megumin, rubbing her arm in a nervous manner, scrunched her face as she added, "Jack, I'm…I'm so sorry for tricking you like that. If I didn't steal the bathroom from you, you wouldn't have to go look for another one by yourself…and those dolls wouldn't have cornered you like they did. I almost got you seriously hurt or worse, and I don't think I can forgive myself for that. Even so…"
The Crimson Demon actually went as far as to bow her head before finishing, "...I only hope that you can find it within yourself to forgive me. I'll understand if you don't."
Wow, uh…I never imagined she would feel guilty over jacking the toilet (pun not intended this time). But hey, it could've been a lot worse: she could've let the kingdom's government take me away under false pretenses. Y'know, just one of many hypotheticals that comes to mind. Always gotta prepare for the worst, right?
Anyway, I started babbling. "H-Hey, we're still cool, M-bomb. Water off a duck's back, y'know?"
Thankfully, it seemed that was enough to prevent a meltdown from the kid as she stared at me before parroting, "M-bomb?"
"Yeah, you said I never gave you a nickname, so I just gave you one: M-bomb. Like an A-bomb, but with an M for Megumin. Fitting, wouldn't you say?"
Megumin continued to stare at me with an unreadable face (well, unreadable for me, anyway). But eventually, the cracks started to show as a smile threatened to break out before she went into a mini giggle fit. I guess I'll take that as a sign that she likes her new nickname. Even though I just came up with it on the spot, I gotta admit, it is pretty fitting.
Once she settled down, she beamed brightly at me. "Thanks, Jack."
"Hey, does this mean I get a nickname too?" Aqua asked me with stars in her eyes.
"No, you don't need one."
"What!? Why you rotten little- -"
Dark interrupted the blue thing's rant by suddenly asking out loud, "Pardon my intrusion, but does anyone else smell…urine?"
The other two girls took a moment to sniff the air before promptly covering their noses. All three slowly glanced back down to where I was lying at. Hot shame washed all over me the instant I registered the damp area in my pants. In that moment, I really did wish the dolls had gotten to me first instead of the girls.
"I-I'll go get changed now…"
Morning came along, and Aqua and I were at the guild to collect the special reward money for permanently clearing out the ghosts in our new mansion. That's right, the not-so-useless goddess worked a little of her magic and blessed the house to prevent future hauntings. So not only do we get to live in it as part of our arrangement with the landlord, but we also get to make bank on a quest which just so happened to ask for the same thing! Apparently, it had been put on the board for a while, but nobody was brave or willing enough to take it.
I mean, I probably wouldn't have taken it either if I didn't have Aqua around, but that's neither here nor there.
Out of morbid curiosity, I asked Luna why she thought so many ghosts liked to haunt that place as I counted our moolah. The receptionist then laid down this little piece of wisdom on me:
"Well, it actually doesn't have to do with the house itself. The issue has something to do with the nearby graveyard. It seems somebody put up a massive magical barrier around it as a prank. With nowhere else to go, the spirits must've settled for the nearest empty house."
Time out for a sec. By graveyard, did Luna mean the one my party and I first met Wiz in? The one where she spent her nights guiding lost souls before Aqua…took…over…
I checked back with my current partner, who was unusually quiet for once. When I excused us from Luna, I took her to a secluded corner before demanding answers.
"Got something you want to share with the class, Aqua?"
The girl absentmindedly poked her fingers together. Her eyes wide as dinner plates and she spoke softly. "So, uh, you remember when I promised Wiz I'd exorcise the graveyard for her? Well, doing that meant I would have to go out there every single night. Soooo, I figured I could just block the spirits from gathering there altogether. They would get bored, leave, and I wouldn't have to drag myself out of bed every night. So I…y'know…did just that…heh."
Hmmm. Now only a jerk would be so willing to accept a reward for fixing a problem that was caused by his associate. Hmmm.
"We'll take the money anyway, but seriously, you can't keep pulling stunts like this again in the future. Are we clear?"
It was so and barely noticeable, but she did in fact nod. "Crystal…"
I'M BACK Y'ALL! You thought I was gone, but like a ball, I always bounce back! Sometimes it just takes a while is all.
But on a serious note, the reason why it took so long to get this chapter out (on top of school, work, and perfectionism) is because I've actually been collaborating with a new friend on the site. His name is Megapanda25 and his fanfic is called Konosuba: A Party's Heart and Soul. I left some positive reviews on it while it was still recent and he messaged me asking for ideas. Eventually, that snowballed into me becoming an official co-writer on his story! It's honestly really great in my opinion and I highly encourage you check it out as we work on it quite frequently. Who knows, you may even be able to spot where I left my grubby fingerprints on it (intentionally or otherwise).
But with that out of the way, I'll be taking some time off from adding new chapters to instead edit all my previous chapters. The edits won't be anything major, I mostly just want to focus on formatting the structure a little better; to more closely match the formatting of this chapter and the rest to come. Until then, swood on, mi amigos.