As I sat at the guild's bar, munching on fried frog legs and chugging down some Neroid Swish (which I still have yet to identify a distinct flavor or texture for), a moody thought crossed my genius mind:
I am the unluckiest man around. Factually and statistically. My rock bottom "luck" stat says it all.
The reason this particular thought struck me when it did was due to the semi-losing streak my friends and I were on with our quests lately. I figured that with Dark's gloves, the bots' armor upgrade, and just the ball we'd been rolling before, it'd be smooth sailing from here on out.
But all of the sudden our winning streak kinda just...stopped. Dead in its tracks. We went from steamrolling expert-level quests to barely completing basic quests. And the few rewards we did receive were weak even on the best of days.
I've been on losing streaks before back home, so normally I wouldn't dwell on it this much. But knowing what I know now about a certain luck goddess upstairs deciding who gets to be inherently successful or not, I became a lot more conscious about seemingly random circumstances hindering my progress. Even when it seemed as though the cards were stacked in my favor, Eris (I assume) would just throw a monkey wrench into my plans and make me want to pull my hair out.
Luna's assured me that the luck stat doesn't really affect adventuring by all that much. But when yours is as low as mine, it might as fucking well.
Naturally, morale amongst the posse was at an all-time low. The girls bailed on having lunch with me and opted to head back home, probably to mope in private. Figures that even when we're all doing poorly, I'm the only one openly sulking. If I was going to be in a crappy mood, I was going to let the whole world know it, damn it!
…Y'know, with what little dough we've been raking in lately, I could always fall back on stealing. Admittedly, it has been a while since I did a bad old fashioned break-in. Think the last time I did one was when I snuck into the local smithy to melt down M-Guy's magic sword, and that was months ago. Still, slipping into restricted areas and robbing 'em blind has always been something that came naturally to me, even with my unlucky track record before and after reincarnating.
All I really gotta do is find a high-ranking noble's house to target, steal a few jewels and paintings and whatnot, sell the loot, and BINGO! We'll be swimming in eris again, baby! And with my MK II NinjaBots already built, I can single-handedly amp up productivity on any heist I want! I truly am evil management material~
My brainstorming was interrupted when someone sat in the empty stool next to me. Normally, I'd brush aside whatever was about to occur without a second thought; social interaction was overrated anyhow. But when I realized who it was that had sat down next to me, I did a double take.
"Hey, aren't you that chick I robbed a few months back?"
"Yeesh, is that really all I am to you? My pride as a thief has been critically wounded," The silver-haired girl replied, though there was still a smirk on her face, so she must've been being dramatic. "I have a name you know, it's Chris. Y'know, the one who taught you some thief skills? Long-time best friend of your crusader friend? I thought I'd be at least remembered for that much."
Oh yeah, she did do that, didn't she? Guess she's been out of town for so long that she sorta just slipped under my radar. Must've been out in the world doing thief-y things and the like.
"Oh…right, I knew that," I half-lied as I absentmindedly swirled my weird fantasy drink with a straw. "It's just that you left a bad first impression when you tried to pickpocket me. And not the good, fun kind of bad either. More like the 'I'm annoyed at you' kind of bad. Big difference."
"Yeah, I feel like that should be undercut with the part about you promptly extorting me in the aftermath. But I'm gonna let that one go for now," She replied, clearing her throat and leaning back in her seat, confident smirk never wavering. "Jack Spicer, I have a job opportunity I think you'll be interested in."
"Depends on how evil it is," I shot back without missing a beat, a small smirk of my own beginning to form. "Thieves are relatively infamous for their lack of a moral compass, and I can respect that. Though I haven't quite nailed down what type of thief you are just yet. You tried to steal from me, which was pretty evil. But I am a bad guy and there's a chance you could only steal to give to charity. If it's the latter, then count me out."
"Wow. Kazuma wasn't kidding. Your moral compass really is a roulette wheel," Chris snorted, prompting me to make a mental note to smack that green-cloaked dumbass the next time I saw him. "Alright, well...I suppose you could consider this little venture a mixed bag. Technically speaking, you would be doing 'good' by helping me steal what I'm after, but the payout is well worth the momentary warm fuzzies."
I made a face followed by a noise as I mentally weighed my options. Unless the world I was trying to conquer was at stake or I'm not in the right evil state of mind, I'd never go out of my way to do something good.
Although…my team and I were strapped for cash to pay off the debt, and no matter how you slice it, stealing is still a crime in the eyes of the law. Hmmm…
"Tell me what the job entails and how I can stand to benefit from it. I'm only entertaining you because I'm desperate for cash right now."
"I can work with that," Chris replied with that ever strong smirk, though her tone did become a bit more serious. "Our target is a mansion a few miles out from Axel, under the ownership of a noble by named Alderp. He was hospitalized after the capital incident, and as such his son, Walter, is currently presiding over the city in his place. What I'm getting at here is that a rich guy's house is for the most part unattended while he recovers. So...why not pay a visit and grab everything we can carry?"
"Okay, okay, I'm hearin' ya so far," I hummed with my chin cupped, glancing at Chris as nonchalantly as possible so as to not draw too much attention to our conversation. "Fail to see how this operation could be misconstrued as good, though. You make it sound pretty despicable and I am getting a little pumped up over it, not gonna lie."
"Let's just keep it simple and say I'm covering all my bases. You're not the only person I'm bringing along, after all," She replied, shrugging her shoulders loosely. "Only real rules I got are don't kill anyone and don't get caught. A thief's life is a lonely one."
"Tell me about it. Anyway, if those are the only conditions you have, then sure, I'm game," I relented, nodding slightly and smirking evilly. "Robbing an innocent noble's house while his snot-nosed son is in charge sounds fun and rewarding. Jacky like-y."
"Well...Alderp isn't exactly the picture of humility and decency. He's kind of a real scumbag, and not in the entertaining way that you are," Chris corrected, dampening my spirits slightly as I muttered a passive 'Jacky less like-y now'. However, she continued a few seconds later. "But, if it helps with your weird weighing system, his son is actually a pretty decent guy by comparison."
I mulled her words over for a bit…
"I can work with that."
"Awesome. Job's going down tomorrow night, we're meeting outside the main gate. We'll take a wagon to the forest just outside the guy's lands," Chris explained, before extending a hand to me. "Looking forward to doing business with you, Jacky."
I eyed her hand skeptically. "You're not going to pull away at the last second and give me a wet willy, are you?"
Finally, her smile fell away and she looked at me in utter bewilderment. That was the ticket, seriously?!
"What? No, I'm not going to wet willy, we're literally in the middle of a deal! Did, did this happen to you before?"
"Yeah, pretty much," I grumbled irritably. "Granted, it was done by a demonic earwig possessing this cowboy I know. Gave me everything from wet willies, to wedgies, to tying me up and leaving me out to dry. Still have no clue what a Sibini is after all that though…"
"Wow. Gotta be honest, man, that's...a lot to take in. You should probably consider therapy, and not just for the laundry list of other things you've got going on either," Chris remarked, taking my hand and shaking it before rising to her feet and offering me a thoughtful look. "Well, I'll see you tomorrow. Until then, just try to keep the evil stuff at a moderate seven, alright?"
With a mock salute, Chris snorted but copied my gesture before going off to prepare for our big heist. I turned back in my seat to continue eating my fried frog legs, feeling considerably more pleased than I was moments prior. What we were planning to do may not be totally 100% evil, but I was going to make bank by the end!
And what is the root of all evil? I'll leave you to fill in the blank.
Payday had finally arrived, and not a moment sooner!
It was hard to curb my excitement over Chris' heist offer around the girls. If they knew what was about to go down, they likely would've gotten all self-righteous with me, Darkness especially. Turning them over to the dark side was going to take baby steps, so coming out the gate and telling them I was planning on robbing a noble's house probably would've been a slap to the face for them.
Once I turn in my haul to finish paying off the rest of our debt, I might tell 'em afterwards when it's already too late. Let them test the waters of evil, dip their toes in the shallow end before taking a dive in the deep end, y'know?
As dusk finally arrived, I made my way out of the mansion and down to the edge of town, my black trench coat already making for decent stealth attire. The only real thing I went to grab in addition to my usual outfit was a ski mask. Can't beat the classics!
When I arrived at the meetup spot, I found Chris and our apparent third member of the heist waiting next to a wagon, the same one ready to shuttle us to our target.
"Really?" I asked Chris in exasperation. "You're bringing the guy who compared my moral compass to a roulette wheel? At least tell me he's our getaway driver or something…"
Yup, turns out the third member was none other than Green Been himself, though he was wearing significantly less green tonight as he was similarly dressed in black clothing for the occasion.
"Nice to see you too, Goggles…" Satou huffed with his usual bluster before turning to Chris with an equally bemused look. "You didn't mention he was our third. I didn't know you two even talked, especially after the whole mugging thing."
"Yeah, well, I figured with his tech and cunning on our side, our chances for pulling this off without a hitch would increase," Chris replied casually, stretching her arms out over her head and resting them on the back of her neck as she shot Green Bean a sly smirk. "You know what they say, Assistant-kun: if you can't beat 'em, join 'em."
"Still on the fence about that alias you gave me, Big Boss. I feel like that should be a discussion for later," Satou retorted with a snort, before turning to me and quirking an eyebrow expectantly. "What about you, Goggles? Got an ultra-evil codename in store for this little operation or what? I assume that's something you'd have prepared."
Satou was right for once, you can't conduct a heist without an ultra-evil codename for it. Luckily, coming up with one was one of the first things I did in preparation for this.
"Operation: Robin Hoodwinked! Since we're stealing from a rich guy purely for our own monetary gain, I figured it was appropriately evil with an ironic twist. Genius, no?"
" 'Genius' is a little self-congratulatory but…I'll give you this one. That's actually kinda clever," Satou replied with a small smile, turning back to Chris and raising an eyebrow. "Well, since we're all present now, is it time to roll out, Big Boss?"
"I thought Master Jack was in charge of this operation."
Satou nearly jumped out of his skin when one of my NinjaBots suddenly snuck up on him and asked that out of the blue. Even Chris seemed to have been caught off-guard, and I'm fairly certain she has Enemy Detection as one of her skills. Maybe hers didn't go off since we're all on the same side right now?
"Oh yeah, I almost forgot, I'm bringing a few friends of my own. Meet my new and improved NinjaBots!" I introduced triumphantly. While they were just regular JackBot units with leg attachments and a full black bodysuit, they were specially programmed and modified with ninja-like reflexes to make for some sick stealth units. "The others are in hiding as we speak. They'll stick to the shadows as they follow us and help lighten our haul a bit."
"Well, that's...very frightening, to be frank. Should've told us that before the jumpscare," Satou grumbled, watching one of the bots with a nervous look as he took a few precautionary steps back like a wimp. "When did you even have time to design these guys? Was this something you had in the pipeline or did you make them just for this?"
"Nah, they're actually an upgrade from my MK I prototypes back home," I answered easily. Talking about my robots was something that fit right into my comfort zone. "Had one of the old ones help swipe a Shen Gong Wu for me back in your home country believe it or not. He got the job done alright…even though he was tripping and smashing into walls on the way out. Figured an update was a given, even if the trial run was technically a success."
"Huh. Well, no harm no foul, I suppose," Chris chirped, having already recovered from my boys' sudden appearance while Satou still looked wary. "Nothing wrong with having a bit of back-up and some extra sets of eyes, right?"
"Damn straight! And with these new slits in our masks, we'll be able to properly see where we're going now!" cheered the NinjaBot jubilantly, inadvertently causing my two partners-in-crime to stare blankly at me. That may or may not have been warranted. To a degree.
"Jack...did you seriously forget to make sure your robots could see the first time you made this model?" Satou asked, clearly restraining a chuckle while not even bothering to hide the shit-eating smirk on his face. "I-I'm not judging, just to be clear. Just wanna make sure we're on the same page here."
While my ski mask thankfully hid my red-hot face, I hastily retorted, "LOOK, man! I'm a big picture kinda guy, okay? Not a details guy! If you wanna take over the world, you gotta get a full sense of the scope; you can't hyper-fixate on every small, minute thing. Besides, I said the old ones worked anyway, didn't I? I'm just looking out for my boys is all…"
"Eh, I don't know…making sure your minions can see feels like a bigger concern compared to the broad strokes," Chris chimed in with a smirk of her own, sadly not faltering under my immediate glare. "Oh, but what do I know? I am but a lowly thief, and Kazuma a mere adventurer. Clearly we should leave the evil genius stuff to the evil geniuses."
"Yeah…you should," I growled indignantly, unamused by her sass. "My intelligence stat is higher than both of yours put together. So unless you two just so happen to know robotics like it's pub trivia, I suggest putting a sock in it."
"Testy, testy~" Satou snickered along with the thief, before quickly holding up his hands in surrender of my withering glare...that, or the bots' piercing red eyes aimed his way. Not entirely sure which.
"Alright, alright! Easing off that subject for now, we ready to go or what? We're burning moonlight here, people, and we got a lot to steal!"
With muted nods of agreement, we parked our keisters up on the wagon while the NinjaBots would trail behind us in the shadows. I was a little uneasy at first by the seemingly random guy driving the carriage for us, but Chris assured me that it was actually one of her thief friends in disguise, and that they could be trusted. I thought there was no honor among thieves. But I guess comradery trumps that? Who even knows with these morally gray characters anymore…
True to her word, it only took an hour or so before we reached the outskirts of Alderp's mansion, and credit where it was due: the place was swanky. We had to leave the carriage on the edge of the forest so we didn't attract attention, but the approach and infiltration of the front gate wasn't remotely difficult with the use of my HeliBot.
With a simple tap of the wrist, I sent out two NinjaBots to quietly incapacitate the two guards stationed up front, but not before watching my boys mess with them first. This included tapping their shoulders from behind only to silently leap away and leave them whipping their heads around like idiots before eventually going in for the not-kill. Once the guards were knocked out, I used Bind to keep them bound and gagged as the bots dragged them away before unlocking the gate for my associates.
"Not a bad start, Jacky. Let's keep up the streak, we still got a long night ahead of us," Chris assured me, moving deeper into the mansion's grounds, skillfully darting past patrols with remarkable ease. Satou and I did what we could and succeeded in not alerting any guards, only having a few close calls.
Not all of us can be limber super-thieves, and Green Bean and I were living examples of that when we finally caught up to Chris, who looked thoroughly amused with our attempts.
"Don't…give me that look…" I huffed with my hands on my knees, almost forgetting how much leg work breaking and entering took. "If I still had…the Monkey Staff…I'd give you a run for your money…"
"The hell is a Monkey Staff...and where can I get one?" Satou asked between ragged breaths, leaning against a hedge near our current hiding spot. "Eris above, after all this adventuring, I thought I'd have a little more stamina…"
For a split second, I thought I saw Chris perk up at the mention of Eris for some reason. If I remember correctly, I think Darkness once told me she met her friend in an Eris church before, so I guess she must've been a devotee to that biased luck goddess as well. Figures…
"Right, well, as fun as that was to watch, we still got a job to do," Chris chided playfully, waving us both over to where she was perched. "Up and at 'em boys. I think I found us an opening."
Quietly mocking her "up and' at 'em boys" comment, I flew up to the rooftop while Satou used his Sniping skill to launch an arrow up in the air and climb up using a rope he tied onto it, effectively creating a makeshift grappling hook for himself. Truth be told? Not too shabby. My HeliBot was leagues better, but still, points for ingenuity.
"On the far side of this rooftop, there's a decent drop down to one of the balconies. Unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to look inside, so I have no idea if the attached room is occupied or not," Chris reported. "So, ride or die time; who's willing to bite this arrow and take the risk? I'd do it myself, but I still need to be on standby in case any other patrols close in on your position."
"I'll do it," I volunteered. "I don't know about you, but I'm pretty sure I have more experience burglarizing than 'Assistant-kun' over here. I'll drop down and see what's what."
"By all means, go for it," Satou huffed, muttering to himself as about how he was regretting letting Chris talk him into that particular title. "Just try not to die."
Quickly shooting him a pointed look, I took the plunge…
And came out of it with only a mildly grazed butt! I was expecting far worse honestly, so I'll take it!
Anyway, after I got done tending to my sore backside and ignoring the muffled snickering of Green Bean, I peered inside the unlit room using my Farsight skill. It was a fancy bedroom, packed with décor that could make any burglar's eyes turn into dollar signs.
Unfortunately, problems began to arise when I took note of the sole occupant of the room: a young man, probably in his early 20s, sleeping peacefully in his bed…with the covers pulled down…exposing his toned abdomen of all things…
"Goddamnit…" I whispered to myself in sexual frustration. Why did ninety-fucking-percent of the population have to be so hot!? I felt like I was going crazy!
"Hey! The hell are you muttering about down there?" Satou whisper-yelled to me, prompting me to look up and glare at him. "Seriously, we're kinda on a time crunch here, man! Do we have company or what?"
"Don't rush me! And yes, we have company. I think I found Pretty Boy's room," I whisper-yelled back, biting back my growing irritation. "Except I wasn't accounting for him to be this pretty. It's kinda distracting; he might compromise the mission..."
"…What?! What are you talking about you fucking-gah, screw it! I'm coming down!" Satou sputtered angrily, doing exactly as he said and nailing the landing before peeking in the window.
"Oh come on – he's not even that hot! Certainly not enough to keep you from robbing his ass!"
"Look, he may not have glistening abs like Darkness, but I have a thing for toned guys – !" I argued before immediately freezing up once I realized my Freudian slip. I stared Satou down with the most evil glare I could muster as I pointed vehemently at him, ever grateful for the ski mask hiding my burning face.
"Not a word to my team…"
"Jeez man, relax. I know the bro code, my lips sealed," Satou replied with an eyeroll before quickly snapping his fingers. "Course, we could always trade one-for-one so you can have an insurance policy, if that makes you feel better."
"...wha…?"
"You let slip that you find your crusader friend somewhat attractive, if only physically. I could pay it back with a little 'slip-up' of my own," Satou elaborated patiently, surprisingly relaxed with this exchange. "An insurance policy so neither of us spills any beans, y'know?"
"Oh. Uh…y-yeah, I guess that could work," I eventually mumbled in agreement, suddenly becoming genuinely curious about Greenie's potential crush. "In that case...who do you have the hots for?"
"Well...truth be told, I've kinda got a thing for- -"
"Excuse me, what the hell are you two doing?" Chris interjected, making us both jump like scaredy-cats and nearly smacking the glass window in the process. "Am I interrupting your social hour?"
"No, it's nothing," I sighed tiredly, waving my hands in annoyance. "Just…stupid sexy rich kids making my job harder than it needs to be…don't take that out of context."
"Despite the temptation to do exactly that, I will resist for the moment," Chris snorted, jumping off her perch and sneaking into the adjoining room with little fanfare, surprising me and Satou. She cocked her head back and smirked playfully.
"C'mon, boys. We got shit to steal. Move like you got a purpose!"
We both looked at each other for a moment before shrugging and sneaking into what I assumed to be Walter's room. Once we were in, my fellow burglars and I wasted no time nabbing everything that wasn't nailed down. I ordered all available NinjaBots up to our position and had them pass the goods along in a stealthy assembly line all the way back to the wagon as we looted the room. Like I said before, I am evil management material.
"Alright, we're gonna start moving further into the house now. Remember, keep it quiet," Chris instructed Satou and I as the NinjaBots smuggled away the last of our first haul. The three of us exited the young noble's room and started to stealthily make our way through the halls in search of more goodies to steal.
We made it about two hallways in before I spotted an ornate portrait on the wall. I had to slap a hand over my mouth to keep from bursting out loud.
"Jeez, who puts makeup on a gorilla and frames it?" I snorted as I mocked the painting of the hairy beast. Talk about a hilarious eye sore.
"Dude, that's Aldrep. Not a gorilla," Satou scoffed beside me, before casting a thoughtful look at the portrait and eventually cracking his own smile. "But I can definitely see the resemblance...damn."
Suddenly, my bubbling giggles died out when his words set in. Upon closer inspection…that really wasn't a gorilla. Just a fat, hairy, blonde man with a mustache and gross grin. Yuck. I guess I had tangible proof now that not every guy in this world was a candidate for Mr. Universe.
"Wait a minute…does that mean his son is adopted?" I couldn't help but ask my associates, thinking back to the sleeping dreamboat in the other room. "Because if the guy we saw back there really was Walter, then he looks nothing like his dad. And I refuse to believe a stud like him shares the same genes as this…thing."
"I don't know, maybe. It wouldn't be too crazy to assume adoption centers exist around here...either that or Walt just got a blessing from Eris. But who's to say?" Kazuma remarked with a shrug, clearly much less concerned about the logistics than me. "Now focus, will ya? We got shit to steal and you lusting over the ape-man's son is not helping."
"You're certainly one to talk, Assistant-kun. Need I remind you of the time you stole my panties and waved them around like a flag, crying tears of joy all the while?" Chris suddenly remarked with a sly smirk while in the middle of looting some nearby drawers.
"Wha-HEY! We agreed to keep that confidential!" Satou hissed as his cheeks flushed, jabbing a finger accusingly at our fellow burglar as she actually did what we were here to do. "Contrary to popular belief, I'm not as much of a scum-fuck as some idiots think I am. I'm actually trying to be better these days, thank you. Seriously, you steal panties one time and no one lets you forget…"
"Well, there's also the fact you use that incel logic about 'gender equality' as an excuse to dropkick women that get on your nerves," I added as the three of us moved away from the portrait of Alderp. Something that ugly wasn't worth stealing, let alone worth anything in value. "I don't even do that, and I'm aiming to take over the world with my friends for badness' sake, who are also women that get on my nerves I might add."
"Okay, okay, I get it! Cease fire!" Satou grumbled as we continued to sneak around, peeking in rooms for any particular valuables. "Like I said, I'm trying to be better. Yunyun has been a huge help, of course, but with how much ammo you two have to use on me...I got a lot of work ahead of me."
"You know, with a backstory as tragic as mine, you could have your work cut out to be a supervillain. With how…oh, hold that thought. Lurk."
On cue, we all activated our Lurk skill and pressed our backs against the wall as an uninterested guard passed by us. The few NinjaBots that'd been trailing us had leapt to the ceiling and were carefully holding themselves up as they waited for the schmuck to pass by. When he finally did, we came out of hiding and I continued my train of thought.
"Anyway, as I was saying, with how no-nonsense and cutthroat you are, you have the serious makings of a bona fide bad guy, my guy! While the sexual harassment stuff is a bit much, why not learn to embrace your inner scumbag and just roll with it? Have a little fun being evil~"
"I dunno, man. Isn't it kind of a slippery slope when it comes to morals?" Satou replied, his expression surprisingly uncertain, like he'd given this subject thought before. "I mean, where does one draw the line at 'true evil'? How far would you have to go to be in the wrong if doing bad is good?"
"Uuuhhh…I-I don't know, you're overthinking it!" I managed to get out after handing over an expensive-looking vase to one of the NinjaBots. "Look, you don't have to be the next Hitler or Stalin to be bad. Just being corrupt and self-serving is more than enough to meet the evil criteria. Well, you also need an evil laugh and a unique style to call your own. Oh, and a heroic arch-nemesis or four as an added bonus."
"...Your villainy system is both weird and remarkably convoluted," Satou deadpanned as he handed one of the bots a large lamp that looked like it might have been actual gold. "For now, though, I'm going to try and stick to the light side of things...well, lighter anyhow. Being evil doesn't make me feel better like it does for you. It just makes me feel gross and sad."
"Different strokes for different folks I guess," I relented with an eyeroll, unimpressed with Satou's stance. Being a great big jerk was fun, how could he not see that? "Anyway, hey, Chris, you think Alderp's got a super-secret stash somewhere? Like an underground treasure vault or the next best thing?"
"Firstly, it's Big Boss. Code names, remember boy genius?" The thief snarked, before flashing another wicked grin and nodded. "Secondly, you're not wrong. He's got a few goodies tucked away in his room from what my intel said. I was planning on clearing out this entire floor first, but if you're itching for a bigger score…"
"I'm always itching for a bigger score, baby," I said with an even more wicked grin befitting of a crook such as myself. "If you know where the booty is, by all means, lead the way."
"Alright then. Try to keep up, you two. This one's gonna be fun." Chris chuckled, before darting over to the nearby staircase without the slightest sound and jumping over the railing. Satou and I shared a brief look of disdain over more acrobatic sneaking before following after her, sticking to the shadows where we could.
After giving a few more inattentive guards the slip, Chris eventually directed us to what I assumed to be the big cheese's room itself. Given the lavish king-sized bed, fancier-than-usual décor, and yet another hideous portrait of Alderp "tying" the room together, it had to be his.
"Secret safe behind the painting and/or a hidden passage behind that bookshelf over there," I immediately called out upon first glance. "Every rich guy has at least one or the other. And I should know, I come from a wealthy background."
"Mmm, normally this is the point where I'd call bullshit, but I gotta give Goggles credit here; ego or no, that painting feels a bit too pointed for coincidence's sake." Satou remarked, before turning to me and grimacing all the same. "But a bookshelf passage? Really? You watch too many cartoons, man."
"I could say the same thing about you and anime you know," I shot back while making my way over to the framed train wreck. What do ya know: taking it off the wall reveals a hidden safe. Shocker! "Called it. Anybody got a stethoscope?"
Wordlessly, Chris offered me one. Satou and I both faltered for a moment over the fact she actually provided what I assumed was a lesser known tool in a fantasy thief's tool kit.
Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, I brushed it aside and got to work. A minute later, I heard the glorious click of victory, and cracked that baby wide open to reveal-!
"…an amulet?"
Sure enough, inside the safe was nothing more than a single, ornate amulet of some kind. It had a small, horned demon head as the main center piece, but otherwise…that was it. No stacks of paper eris or gold/silver coins. Just a single piece of macabre jewelry and nothing else. Kind of anticlimactic really.
"Well that's...something, I guess," Satou remarked with a grimace, seemingly sharing my sentiments as he titled his head in confusion. "Seems like a decent bit much for a fancy necklace. Maybe it's a family heirloom or something?"
"Uh, yeah, family heirloom. Those things are worth a lot on the black market. Now you know what I was after all along!" Chris said almost bashfully as she scratched the scar on her cheek. "So…mind if 'Big Boss' keeps that prize in particular, boys?"
Satou and I glanced at each other, a mutual suspicion having risen between us. On one hand, Chris hadn't steered either of us wrong yet and she didn't seem likely to...but on the other, it was very weird that she hadn't mentioned this little do-dad before if it was so important. We could just be overthinking things, but still.
"Uh, Big Boss? I've come to notice you scratch your scar whenever you're nervous," Satou admitted right out the gate with a pointed look and crossed arms. "There's more to this 'heirloom', isn't there? I'd like to think we have the right to know what this is really about. You know…as partners?"
Chris actually seemed to flounder for a moment before sighing, holding up her hands as if to contemplate us. "Alright, you got me...it's not a simple trinket or an heirloom. What Jack is holding right now is called a Divine Relic. It's a dangerous artifact that poses a threat to the world when in the wrong hands, like those of Alderp."
Ah…I see. So this must be the quote-unquote "good" that we are supposedly doing by raiding this guy's house. While that does still make me want to throw up a little in my mouth, I will readily admit, if it prevents another wannabe world conqueror from rising, I'm willing to look the other way. This world isn't big enough for two evil dickbags.
"A mystical artifact that can bring the end of the world? Gee, where have I heard that one before…?" I mumbled sarcastically as I started to idly swing the chain of the Wu-like object on my finger. "Alright then, what's it supposed to do? This isn't exactly my first rodeo when it comes to magic knickknacks."
"In layman's terms, it allows you to summon a random monster for its wielder to control for a limited amount of time, and for a heavy price," Chris elaborated before extending her hand once more. "Look, it's really just better if I hold on to the thing, alright?"
Satou and I were close to grilling this chick on how she knew so much about these divine thingies and what she was even planning on doing with them herself. However, before either of us could get a word in edgewise, a new, almost sultry voice spoke up out of nowhere.
"Steal~"
Suddenly, the relic I'd been holding disappeared from my hand in a flash of light, followed by a nearby closet that we had all overlooked swinging open, revealing a girl with black hair and yellow eyes in clothing not too different from Chris'. A subdued smirk rested on her face as she addressed us with enough smug to make any villain proud.
Although, there were certain…assets about her that made it a little hard for me to appreciate that.
"Oh for fuck's sake – if I see one more hot guy or gal in the next five minutes, I'm going to implode!"
"Goggles, get your head in the game! We're all thinking it, but focus!" Kazuma snapped, drawing out his short sword and pointing it at the woman. "Hey, bitch! That doesn't belong to you...or us, really, but we found it first! So fork it the fuck over!"
"My, my! What a colorful cast of goons you've assembled for yourself, Chris," the scantily-clad thief commented before making a mocking, pouty face at the silver-haired girl. "And to think the 'greatest' thief in Belzerg needed the help of two boys to do her dirty work. Oh, now where is that sexy lone wolf I worked so hard to chase after in the past, hmm~?"
Slowly, in near perfect unison, Satou and I glanced at each other, then to Chris. While her poker face was still going on strong, her cheeks were flushed a bright scarlet dangerously similar to my hair. Interesting…very interesting indeed.
I cleared my throat, "Look, uh, I know we're in the middle of a thing right now, but I gotta ask…gay or bi? I'm the latter if sharing makes you feel better. Though I guess you already pieced that one together by now, heh."
"Dude…Read the room. Not the time," Satou said with an utterly tired look, which – given the hilarity of our current standoff – was fair. "Jeez, if I knew this was how tonight was gonna go down, I would've stayed in bed...or at least bring that camera prototype Vanir's been toying with."
"Excuse me – the fuck is that two-bit terror doing messing around with technology? That's MY thing!"
"...wow," The mystery woman interjected, catching my attention as I realized all the smugness had drained away from her face, replaced with visceral confusion that even someone as socially clueless as me could pick up on. "I mean...wow. I genuinely don't even know what to say here. I've never had to deal with this much scatterbrained nonsense before...where did you find these two nimrods!?"
"Axel. Where all the nimrods come from," Chris barked irritably, shaking away the blush on her face as she glared her ex-girlfriend down. "Melissa, what you have there is not a priceless treasure. That is a dangerous artifact that needs to be sealed before harm can be done with it. Put your damn ego aside for once and hand it over. We'll give you all the jewels we've looted if you do, thieves' honor."
"Still think that's an oxymoron," I mumbled quietly to myself. Guess I wasn't quiet enough because the next thing I knew, I was tending a very sore arm when Chris delivered a rough punch to it. "OW-WAH! It's just my opinion…"
"That's not an opinion, that's just the truth," Satou chimed in, promptly earring him his own sock to the shoulder. He then returned the favor by punching her back with little to no pause. "AH, the fuck, Chris!? Don't go hitting us for being right, hit us for being wrong, dumbass!"
Chris sharply hissed through her teeth in pain before turning the glare that was once directed at Melissa onto him. "So, you really aren't above hitting a girl then! Between this and stealing my panties, no wonder people call you Scumzuma and Kazutrash!"
"That's it – WHO THE HELL KEEPS CALLING ME THAT! Gimme their names, I'm gonna show 'em how scummy I can really be when I get my hands on them!"
At this point, Satou and Chris looked seconds away from throwing hands, resulting in me backing up next to Melissa, who had now turned her attention to me with a look I imagine demanded answers I couldn't hope to provide. I offered her a hopeless shrug.
"Sorry, this is kinda new for us…"
"…who in Eris' name are you people…?"
"Oh, well that I can answer. I'm Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius!" I introduced myself jubilantly, always eager to spread my bad name. I pulled out one of the few calling cards I had on me when I initially died in Hong Kong. "Here's my card."
Hesitantly accepting the card, she tilted her head back to the other two burglars, who were now circling each other in what was likely going to be the beginning of a killer brawl.
"Right...well, I'm Melissa, master treasure hunter. At your service," She greeted, some of her previous energy returning briefly before she glanced back at the stewing duo real quick. "So...how often does this happen?"
"First time I'm seeing it. I don't hang out with them often enough to make an estimate," I commented with half-interest as I eyed "Assistant-kun" locking hands with "Big Boss" as one tried to subdue the other. "So…you hunt mystical artifacts, huh? Y'know, it's funny, I used to do exactly that before I moved here. But after a few years, I had to get out of the game. It just wasn't worth it."
"Really now?" Melissa asked, tilting her head to me in what actually seemed like genuine curiosity. "What convinced you to leave it all behind?"
I blew a hearty raspberry at that. "Shit, more like what didn't convince me to leave it behind. I know the world is already a strange enough place as is – which is partly why I want to rule it, just to get a peace of mind – but hunting for magical trinkets just brings out the craziest that it has to offer. Reality-warping showdowns, freaks in pajamas, smelly old ghosts that nag at you, immortal warlords who think they're better than you, and a never-ending cycle of pain and humiliation. I realize now that line of work was only holding me back, so the moment I saw another opening, I took it and never looked back. Honestly, if Chris had told me what we were really after in this heist of ours, I'd have probably stayed home. Hunting mystical artifacts can be cool sometimes, but they're a fool's errand…"
"Oh...wow. That's actually a fair case." Melissa admitted, her expression having morphed to reveal more and more visible horror with each of my examples. "I mean, I've pulled off some pretty big jobs before, but I've never encountered anything so...terrifying."
"Well, you better learn to get used to dealing with that kind of stuff on the reg," I sighed tiredly as I numbly watched Green Bean and Scar Face tussle like no tomorrow. "Because that'll be your life…"
There was a beat of silence as I just watched my partners absolutely kick the shit out of each other, eventually prompting me to turn back to the self-proclaimed master treasure hunter beside me. She seemed to be staring off into space, eyes wide with what I could only assume to be mounting horror over my recounted escapades. Not that I could blame her.
Then, in an act which nearly caught me with my pants down, Melissa quickly handed me back the Divine Relic like she couldn't even stand holding it herself anymore.
"Under normal circumstances, I'd call you crazy. But you have that…glazed look in your eyes. One that only the most straightforward of people can have when it comes to calling it how it is," She said almost frantically. "I'm done. Consider me out of the game too. I don't know what I'll do next since hunting treasure's all I know, but anything's better than what you described. Maybe I'll use my savings to open an animal shelter; I've always liked cute pets. Take care, and tell Chris…tell her I'm sorry about the scar. She'll know what that means."
And just like that, Melissa darted out of the room without another word, leaving me to hold the spooky-ass necklace as I blinked in registration.
Without even trying…I had just talked an enemy into handing over our loot without using so much as a single threat! Hot dog! I somehow managed to surprise myself yet again.
"Hey, guys! I got the amulet-thingy!"
Apparently, I had caught the two at a very inopportune moment, with them all tangled up like my robots' wires and covered in fresh bruises. Slowly looking at each other and realizing that they had more than likely blacked out, Chris and Satou stiffly stood back up, faces red from both embarrassment and trickles of blood sustained from their little spat.
"Boy, you two really went at it, huh?" I chuckled, relishing the embarrassment on their faces given the ribbing they gave me earlier. Might as well have a little fun while I had the chance. "If I'm interrupting, I can step out you know. Give you two the room, let you get it all out of your system."
"Ha-ha. Very funny, Spicer," Chris groaned, a spark of her previous irritation returning as her face got even redder. "I get it, nobody's perfect, we fucked up, it happens to the best of us. Now how long do you intend to ride this out?"
"Oh, I'll take my sweet time with this one, thank you for asking," I snickered, turning to Satou and quirking an eyebrow expectantly. "What, got nothing to say for your part, Green Bean? Glad to see that path to redemption you're on is real wiggly."
"Keep talking and I'll tell the whole guild how much you like your crusader's 'glistening' abs."
I gasped in primal fear. "B-but the bro code though!"
"Oh – fuck off with your bro code shit!" Satou hissed before storming up to me and yanking the amulet from my hands, promptly shoving it into Chris' as he walked out of the room. "I'm going back to the damn cart. Steal whatever else you want, I'm done here."
And just like that, the fuming Japanese stomped away, seemingly forgoing stealth as I distinctly heard him open the front door and promptly slamming it shut. Thankfully, I'd already gotten an alert from my NinjaBots that they had taken the liberty of incapacitating all the guards once things started getting noisy. Even had to give Pretty Boy upstairs the same treatment, which was kind of a shame. Oh well, not like they'll be able to trace this back to us anyway. No security cameras.
Anyway, I awkwardly turned to Chris, realizing that she was still present when Satou let slip that I had a thing for her best friend's abs. Avoid eye contact, Jack, avoid it.
"So...yeah, I think we've got a good enough haul for now," Chris stated, clearly not enjoying this moment any more than I was. Hastily throwing the portrait back up over the safe, she nodded to the door. "We should get going."
"Yeah, we probably should…" I coughed, turning to follow Chris out the room. Before we did, however, I remembered something. "Oh, hey, uh, Melissa told me to pass this along to you before she bounced. She said, 'sorry about the scar' and that you'd know what that means."
A strange look passed her face, though I couldn't quite pinpoint the exact emotion. I believe inkling of hurt was present, though, just for a moment. As quickly as it went away, her poker face returned and she nodded.
"Thanks, Jack. Now hustle up, we've got a long trip back to town."
After tying up all the unconscious guards (plus Walter) and stuffing them all in a broom closet, Chris and I nabbed a few more valuables on the way out before linking back up with a salty Satou at the cart. Chris informed us that her friend/getaway driver was going to take our haul to some undisclosed town a few days away from Axel and sell them at the underground Thieves Guild before returning to split the profits. Having to wait for my reward was kinda lame, but I get it; gotta be extra careful when it comes to the transaction of stolen goods. At least I could expect guaranteed money coming my way!
After that, we all mounted up and started on our way back to Axel in an admittedly tense ride. I, for one, was getting restless with the tension, so I worked myself up to say something, anything to ease the atmosphere. First thing that comes to mind, Jack – GO!
"…you're not really gonna tell the whole guild about the thing with the abs, are you? Just so you know, Dark's apparently self-conscious about them, and that's saying something given her fetish."
"...no, I'm not gonna tell," Satou sighed tiredly, sitting up slightly from his previous slouched position on the far side of the cart. "I just got pissed off. Not ten minutes after telling you guys I plan to change for the better, I get into a fist fight with a girl over punches to the arm. Deserved ones, granted, but still."
"I'll admit, I did lose my cool and acted immaturely. For that, I apologize," Chris said after a beat, sitting up herself and casually swinging a leg over the other as she addressed Satou. "Though, to be fair, we were in the middle of a potentially dangerous situation and you two were not taking it seriously. I mean, I've come to expect this level of distractibility from Jack, but you too Kazuma?"
"In my defense, things were spiraling so quickly out of control with the arrival of your ex, I kinda lost the plot and just started bouncing off Jack to try and ground myself," Satou replied with a shrug, before tacking on, "But yeah, I'm sorry too. I should've behaved better."
And just like that, Chris visibly stiffened again and looked out the window of the carriage, poker face back in action. Though a tiny blush was noticeable.
"It's fine, water under the bridge. And for the record…she was a one-time fling, nothing more, okay?"
"Hey, don't have to explain yourself to us. Pretty sure Goggles and I are more than happy to let your romantic life stay yours alone," Satou replied with a light chuckle. He then turned to me and asked, "Oh yeah, that reminds me, how the hell did you get the artifact away from her?"
"It was kind of an accident, really," I said with a shrug, still a little surprised about it myself. "We were just chatting while the two of you were on the floor fighting. Since she was supposedly a master treasure hunter, I brought up my personal experiences with hunting mystical artifacts and how it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Guess I must've scared her with my recount because the next thing I knew, she handed the amulet back to me and said she was gonna go open a puppy farm or something."
"...seriously? YOU 'ACCIDENTALLY' TALKED HER OUT OF IT!?" Satou screamed before clutching his bruised cheek with a wince and huffing. "Well, nice work regardless, I guess. It's been a helluva night for all of us so far, hasn't it?"
"And how!" I agreed as I stretched my arms and cracked my muscles. "But a successful one, nonetheless. Even so, I think it goes without saying that we should all probably law low on the criminal activity for a while once we get back. Even if Walter or his goons didn't get a good look at us, I imagine investigations on the nearest towns will be in order pretty soon."
"Agreed. For the next week or so, laying low is the name of the game. Minimal contact, on all our parts," Chris confirmed, cracking another smirk and nodding to me and Satou approvingly. "While this whole thing played out messier than I was expecting, in a weird way, I kinda had fun with this little team up of ours."
"Yeah, me too honestly! With how useful thief skills are, I'm seriously debating switching over to your class in the near future," Satou admitted to her, chin cupped in contemplation. "Though, maybe I should hold off till I learn a few more cross-class skills. Once you switch from generic adventurer, I hear you're locked out of it forever, and it's the only class that allows you to pick up on skills otherwise restricted to your build. Food for thought I suppose…"
"No harm in holding it off, yeah. It's not like the other classes disappear the more you level up," Chris replied with a more relaxed expression, leaning back and stretching her arms out. "Besides, you do pretty damn well as an Adventurer. Jack of all trades, y'know...not too different from our other Jack either."
"Very true," I added with a hint of smugness. "Thief skills are dope and all, but I'm saving up to become a Battlesmith myself. Then I can add 'Jack Spicer, Tech Wizard of Mayhem' to my list of evil titles. Nobody does machines better than I can! Which reminds me…"
I turned to Satou and gave him a pointed look. "You mentioned something about Vanir of all people developing a prototype for a camera. How and why?"
"Oh, right. Well, Yun and I went over to Wiz's shop for a restock a few weeks back and ran into the guy," Satou explained, chuckling softly as he shook his head in obvious bewilderment. "After a long, boring chat about how I was supposedly the 'missing piece in a puzzle far bigger than myself' he mentioned how he was interested in prototyping human tech in this world, and I mentioned that a camera might be a good eris maker."
My eye twitched.
"YOU MEAN THAT LOSER CAME TO YOU FOR MAKING TECH WHEN I'M OVER HERE MAKING HONEST-TO-GOD ROBOTS!? Bad lord, for an 'all-seeing demon', that dunderhead wasted the biggest business opportunity of the century by not coming to me! I have even less respect for him now!"
"Kazuma! You're really doing business with that demonic jackass!?" Chris interjected, suddenly fired up about this whole thing with a distinct fire shining in her eyes that hadn't been there before. "C'mon, man! We both know you're above dealing with his type!"
"Woah, hey, easy there Chris! I get you're an Eris devotee and all that, but there's really nothing to worry about," Satou assured, quickly whipping his hands up to try and pacify the angry woman. "Believe me, I was skeptical at first too, and I agree that he is still a jackass. But…I can kinda see why people are so chill with having him around. He's not hurting anyone, he's enforcing trash dumping rules, hell, people have even started calling him 'The Crow Slayer' for keeping vermin away from dumpsters! He seems content just being Wiz's employee nowadays."
Chris scowled in response, crossing her arms and shaking her head in palpable disdain despite Satou's assurances. Apparently, demons and their kin were a sore subject for her, or at the very least something she felt passionately about. Weird on the surface, but not something I was gonna judge. Don't trust demons too much myself, after all.
"Ah, I wouldn't worry about him, 'Big Boss'," I chimed in after some thought. "He may be powerful, but the guy's actually a total pushover. After all, it was my team that took him out the first time. I'll probably invent some kind of immortal-proof cage device to lock him up in after I rule the world, just for you. You've been pretty cool to me all things considered, so I might as well return the favor…you too I guess, Green Bean."
"Yet again, your charm is unmatched, Jack," Satou deadpanned with an eyeroll, though he did shift over to a smile as he turned to Chris and nodded. "For once, though, I like his plan. Stick the undying bastard in a box and let him rot for the rest of his time on this plane of existence."
Sure enough, the scowling mask Chris was trying to hide behind cracked as a smirk began to form, followed by a quick snort and shake of the head. "Y'know…it's people like you that keep me coming back to that newbie town. Well, that and because my bestie lives there now, but my point still stands regardless. Thanks guys."
"Proud to be of service, I suppose," Satou chuckled, leaning on the side of the wagon and letting out a long sigh, this one seemingly stemming from exhaustion rather than irritation. "Ugh, now I gotta make the decision whether to be responsible and get some proper rest or get shitfaced at the hall in celebration."
"Normally I'd either game or build something to celebrate a successful heist, but I think I'm gonna try that self-care thing out for once and get some shut-eye," I said while tapping my foot in nervous anticipation. "I've got an arrangement of sorts with the girls where I promised I would make an effort to improve my sleep schedule. And seeing as how I plan on telling them what I've been up to as a means of easing them onto the path of evil, it'd be best if I get on their good side. Darkness especially, she's the most uptight when it comes to 'peace and justice' and all that bologna."
"Yeah, that's my bestie alright. Always the pillar of morality with that one," Chris snorted in amusement before addressing Satou's dilemma. "Take it from a girl who's waken up in her own beer after a long night of partying; it's better to get some actual rest after a stressful job, otherwise you'll feel like hot garbage. Plus, loose lips sink ships, so I wouldn't recommend getting intoxicated anytime soon."
"Duly noted," He nodded. "In that case, I'll probably just stop by the inn Yun's staying at and let her know I'm okay before calling it a night. Poor thing's like a puppy with separation anxiety if I don't let her know how I'm doing at least once a day."
"Hey, that reminds me: you still haven't told me who you got eyes for!" I suddenly remembered, pointing a demanding finger his way. "We still need an insurance policy! So, who is it, huh? Is it Yunyun? It's gotta be Yunyun."
"So obvious~" Chris commented teasingly, apparently just as interested in the topic as I was.
"What?! No! Hell no!" Satou protested hastily, waving his hands frantically as he proceeded to explain himself. "Guys, she's like my best friend! I can't bring myself to see her in that way, I respect her too much! That's like me suggesting Chris has romantic chemistry with Darkness!"
I felt a sudden spike of both envy and petty jealousy when Satou brought up such a hypothetical. On the one hand, I wish I was like Chris and only saw my crusader friend as just that: a friend. But on the other…I don't know, it's like, "hands off her, everyone else". God, why am I such a hopeless romantic? Seems I didn't learn my lesson with my last crush…
But she's nothing like him- -
Don't care.
"Eh...yeah, alright. I see your point, that is a bit much," Chris replied with a slight grimace, shaking her head and crossing her arms. "Well, regardless, you gotta spill the beans to both of us now. Who is it you had your eye on?"
Glancing between the two of us, Satou hung his head and let out a long, drawn-out sigh to stall for time before eventually looking back up to meet our gazes. No getting out of this one. I accidentally revealed my crush, now he had to reveal his so we both don't go ratting the other out. A cold love war if you will.
"Alright. Alright, just...both of you swear, right here and right now, that this conversation doesn't leave this damn wagon, ya hear?!" He demanded, glancing between Chris and I with a terribly serious expression. "If this gets out to anyone, and I do mean ANYONE, you will regret it."
"Swear to my…Eris herself," Chris swore with a hand to her heart, fumbling a bit at the beginning there. Weird, but I didn't think much of it. She sounded sincere enough to me anyway. Speaking of which…
"Got my own two hands up right here," I said earnestly, wiggling my fingers for emphasis. "Can't go against my word without my fingers crossed behind my back, now can I? Every villain worth his salt knows that."
Satou sighed again, but after a few seconds, he seemed to make his decision and nod, raising his head and opening his mouth, before proceeding to spill the beans in question…
First chapter of the new year, woo!
Hope everyone enjoyed their respective holidays. Apologizes for the delay, Covid struck my household and now I'm carrying it myself, so that's fun. But I'll be fine, I'm just happy to get this chapter in particular out. My friend and I were quite proud of this one. Who doesn't love a little of Big Boss and Assistant-kun? And with an experienced burglar like Jack in the mix, the opportunity to have them team up was just too good to pass.
I also threw in Melissa as a little cameo for the hell of it. Haven't actually played Fantastic Days myself (not much of a mobile games guy), but I thought it'd be interesting to make up my own implied history between her and Chris. We might see more of her in the future, we might get more context on their relationship, or maybe it's best to leave it up to the reader's imagination. We'll see in due time.
Speaking of leaving things up to imagination, the oh-so-subtle cliffhanger on Kazuma's crush. Yeah, I totally didn't just cut it off there because I haven't decided who she could have an eye out for. Nope! But for curiosity's sake, who do you guys think he should maybe get together with in the future? Yunyun's off the table sadly (tho maybe that will change with time?) but everyone else is pretty much fair game. Let me know in the reviews and what your reasoning is and I'll gladly take it into consideration!
But for now, I have been 0ne Swood Guy, and I will see you all soon (or at least until I get better).