"Hey, uh, Jack?" Aqua asked nervously as we sat at our usual table. "You sure letting Darkness pick the quest is okay? I mean, I know we've already faced some pretty tough enemies and challenges at this point, but still…this is Darkness we're talking about here…"
"Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't even dream of it. But given how peeved she looked when I told you guys about my little stunt last night…" I replied, trailing off for a moment as I recalled how she nearly strangled me on the spot when I revealed what I'd been up to. "I-I mean, this should at least placate her a little, yeah? Besides, it's not like she'd pick anything too dangerous for us...I hope."
"Eh, I'm not really worried if what she picks is that dangerous," Megumin replied complacently as she bit into her morning mutton. "My Explosion's only become more potent with each Level I gain, so I'm more than confident I can blow up anything that wishes us harm! The only thing we really gotta look out for is your horrendous luck screwing everything up…no offense."
"None taken. It's my burden to bear. I've grown accustomed to it at this point," I half-joked, secretly a little surprised the heist I'd been a part of didn't fall apart thanks to it. Apparently, Satou and Chris had enough luck between them to even things out I guess. "But yeah, good on the confidence front. Whatever she picks, I'm sure we can sweep through easily enough!"
With immaculate timing, the topic of discussion soon came back to join us, a flyer she'd plucked from the quest board in one hand. Speak of the Devil King and he shall appear as they say around these parts. Or would it be "she" in this case? Huh.
"Friends, I do believe I have found us a suitable job for today!" She crowed confidently, a bright smile on her face that likely worried the others as much as it did me. Whenever Dark was excited for a job, it usually meant one of two things:
Either A.) it was some boring community service work with a low pay that was worth doing purely for the "greater good" (barf me a river).
Or B.) it was an ultra-dangerous mission likely to result in immense pain for me (despite her wanting to be the punching bag).
"Please don't be dragons, please don't be dragons, please don't be dragons…"
A sharp, "Ahem," alerted me to an unamused Darkness. Was I saying my inner thoughts out loud again? Whoopsie.
"Uh…did you do something with your hair recently?" I asked in my best YesBot impersonation. "I like it!"
"Cheap flattery will not save you, Jack. I figured you would recognize that by now." Darkness replied with a soft huff of agitation, reaching down and sliding the selected quest a bit closer to me. "Just read it, alright? Should you three be so dissatisfied with my selection, I will give it another go for your sake."
Sweating a little, I read the flyer aloud for everyone despite the fact they were all leaning over my shoulders and probably reading it in their heads. I just like reading aloud for my own satisfaction, okay?
"'Eliminate an unidentified golem guarding a newly discovered ruin located in the nearby mountain range. Expected Threat Level: Not yet determined. A party with a minimum of four members is recommended'."
I looked up at Darkness and blinked. "That's it?"
"Y-you don't have to sound that surprised! I wasn't going to send us on anything suicidal!" Darkness protested, though she shrank back slightly after the unified look of apprehension that the three of us sent her way. "O-oh, come now! Do you truly think so little of me?!"
"OH! I think I get it!" Aqua apparently realized, snapping her fingers and looking quite proud of herself. "Because we don't know what else we could be getting ourselves into other than just one golem, this quest has the potential to contain anything and everything that'll excite Darkness! Fear of the unknown, y'know?"
And just like that, Megumin and I both went 'Ahhh," in immediate understanding as our normally low INT friend nodded in self-satisfaction. She really managed to crack the code on this one!
"Mhmmm~...t-this is not even remotely fair, you guys..." Darkness whined to herself, clearly getting a kick out of this little situation while still trying to maintain a grip for our sake. Honestly? Respect. "C-can we please just focus on the task at hand? I beg of you."
"Alright, alright, we'll quit torturing you already," I chuckled lightheartedly at the hopeless perv, feeling comparatively more at ease now that her mind was off staying mad at me. "But yeah, I don't see why we can't give this one a shot. Go to some old ruins, beat up a big dumb golem, take his lunch money, and maybe explore the place while we're at it. Plus, I got the flying limo fixed up a little bit ago, so we can just use that to get there lickety-split!"
"Really? Nice! It'll be great not having to walk around all the time. And with the limo repaired, we could probably even finish a few different bounties in one day over a greater distance!" Megumin chirped, eyes literally lighting up at the prospect of getting that much closer to escaping our debt. "Seems like things are finally starting to go our way again, huh?"
"Hope it stays that way. At least until we can pay off what we owe the princess," Aqua sighed in exhaustion "But hey, you know what? With Jack's flying limo, we could go anywhere we want for a well-deserved vacation after this is all over! That'd be fun, right gang?"
"Y'know, that actually does sound pretty fun!" I agreed, cracking a smile at the idea. I hadn't really considered a vacation since my arrival here, and while I usually would just use such free time to work on new evil projects, I actually had friends to spend it with now. "It'd be nice to properly kick back after we finish paying off the last of Princess Twerp's tax. You had anywhere in mind - mpHF!?"
Before I could finish my question, Darkness suddenly lunged forward at me and clamped my mouth shut, her head twisting in all directions frantically like she was worried someone would see us. Nobody at the guild was paying us any mind (probably got used to our antics by now). Once she sighed in relief, she removed her hands from my mouth and glared down at me with a look I could only describe as "irritated mother".
"Jack, you can't possibly say such things about the princess! Aside from being exceptionally rude, it could be misconstrued as treasonous!" She scolded in a hushed tone. "I'm not enjoying our punishment either – and before you say it, yes, I do see the irony in that statement. But considering the alternative, we got off fairly easy. You shouldn't risk jeopardizing that when we're so close to paying back the debt, yes?"
"Okay, okay, you made your point. I'll keep my opinions about Iris to myself," I relented peacefully, deciding that voicing my distaste for the princess to her was not worth the hassle. "And you're right, we are close to paying off the debt anyway. No sense in beating a dead horse."
"Precisely. So, with that settled, I believe it's time we get to work," Darkness replied, scooping up the quest paper once more and offering all three of us an expectant look. "We really shouldn't dawdle, especially with what little information is available regarding this quest. Time could be of the essence."
"Y'know, I gotta hand to her, Darkness sounds cool when she has her mind focused on a job..." Megumin whispered to Aqua and I before twirling her staff fashionably and plating it firmly on the ground. "I agree, let us depart! That golem shall tremble at our mere presence when he sees us arriving in the air, like dark angels falling down from the heavens to satiate their lust for destruction!"
"Alright! Now we're getting back into the groove of things! Nature's Beauty!" Aqua chimed in, unfurling two of her fans while striking a similar pose and casting one of her party trick spells. Soon enough, all three of my teammates turned to me with expectant looks on their faces. They knew me too well.
"After all the times people have compared my JackBots to something as low-grade as golems, I could go for a little venting session with one of those walking dirt mounds," I stated adamantly, evil grin forming and trademark laugh in the back of my throat. "Posse: TO THE LIMO! It's time to kick some golem butt! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!"
Surprisingly, the energy actually held up as the girls and I ran outside to where I'd summoned the limo. Maybe Megumin was right about our luck finally turning back around. I certainly wouldn't complain if that were the case, but knowing how things usually went for us...
Eh, it was better to just ride out the moment with our heads held high.
I switched gears into landing mode and gently parked the flying limo right outside the threshold of the ruins this supposed golem was guarding. As my team and I stepped out of the vehicle, we took a moment to silently take in the structure. With all the collapsed columns and the circular architecture of the temple, it kinda gave me Lost City of Atlantis vibes.
And I should know, I've seen Atlantis for myself, so I have the authority to make that comparison. Even so…
"What a dump."
"To be fair, this feels like the kind of dump a golem would guard," Aqua mused as she scanned the area as well, shrugging her shoulders loosely with the same semi-interest I'd shone moments before. "Either way, I think it'll be pretty easy to spot the guy, given how busted up this place is."
"True that. Just be on the lookout for a sad, humanoid lump of clay milling about and we should be golden," I stated casually, glancing over at Darkness and gesturing in front of me with a smirk. "Would our self-appointed meat shield like to be today's line leader? Your chances of getting hit might increase that way before you inevitably lob off the big dope's arms."
Darkness made a face like she wanted to refute the statement, but knew that she couldn't. So instead, she elected to go with a quiet, "I mean, if you insist..." before marching ahead with her sword drawn and gloves on. Aqua, Megumin, and I took up the rear, keeping our eyes peeled for the dumb rock man to stumble out of whatever corner he got stuck in.
Once we climbed up the slope onto the first platform, an earthquake of all things suddenly showed up. We did our best to keep our balance, though Aqua and I fell over in a stupid display while Dark and Megumin remained standing.
That's when the ground in front of us started to break apart and crumble outward, the cause of the earthquake rising out. A 20 foot tall, purple/silver robot with red eyes and two yellow antennae clawed its way out of the earth and stood before us, tall and menacing.
"Oh my god…" I breathed. "That has got to be the most gorgeous gundam I've ever seen! And yet…this coupled with the Destroyer really does prove I wasn't the first to bring robots here…DANG IT, I'M NOT UNIQUE!"
"Jack, I hate to say it, but now's really not the time!" Aqua hissed as she skittered back, hiding behind me and the others before peeking out at the massive bot with a bewildered expression. "How the hell is there another giant robot out here!?"
"Who cares!? Look at how cool it is!" Megumin gushed, her crimson eyes glowing with obvious excitement as she looked at me while pointing back at it. "Jack, you're the robot expert, you just gotta find a way to make it think it's one of ours! You got to, uh…what's that word again? Re-something?"
"Reprogram?" I suggested.
"Yeah, that's it! You have got to reprogram it so it thinks it's on our side! This big guy's just way too cool to blow up!"
I glanced up at the waiting mech with a mixed expression, inwardly torn. On the one hand, I hated being reminded that I, somehow, wasn't the first to bring this breed of technology into this world. First the Mobile Fortress Destroyer, and now this! So we've got at least two confirmed cases of Earth invaders introducing robotics before me! Unfair…
...but, on the other hand, it was a pretty cool-looking gundam. And it wasn't modeled after a spider either, so it already earned some brownie points with me in that department. At worst, I could probably just learn how this one works, reprogram it, give it a new evil paint job, and call it a day.
However, while I was mulling my options over, the purple gundam started to advance on our position, its movement similar to that of a gorilla to compensate for having legs shorter than its arms. Thankfully, I put Darkness as our first line of defense, so when it inevitably got close enough to deliver the first punch, she was there to hold the entire fist in place at the cost of having to discard her sword.
"Jack! This is bad!" She hissed as she pushed back against the large mechanical fist, sparking a brief flash of concern...before she turned around and we all saw just how flushed she was. "This bot is lighter than it appears! It might not be able to pound me into submission after all!"
Oh crap, she was having one of her "episodes" again.
While Darkness has made some considerable progress in at least attempting to maintain her cool thanks to the gloves administering controlled shocks in combat, it wasn't always enough. Every now and then, something'll break through her defenses and set her off like crazy. While I didn't really mind that she was a fun-loving masochist at heart, I did mind when it got to be too much as once she was this horny, there wasn't a whole lot to snap her out of it.
"Look, I'm sorry to hear that – really, my heart is breaking – but could you PLEASE try to keep it in your pants right now!?" I cried desperately despite knowing my words would go in one ear and out the other. "Go get your sword and attack already! You got the gloves, you'll at least be guaranteed to get…hey, uh, girls? What is the big guy doing?"
With his free arm, the robot had reached out towards Darkness and, with unprecedented ease, did the last thing I would've expected: he plucked off her breastplate with the same ease as one takes off a t-shirt.
What followed next was…well, uh, how do I put this delicately? He started flicking her boobs…for fun.
No, seriously, the thing just sat there playing with Dark's tits like it had nothing better to do. Naturally, the shameless perv was loving every minute of it despite what her indignant cries would have us believe.
Also…a certain "lab assistant" of mine was loving it as well, at the wrong place and at the wrong time.
Shit – this was bad! Like, bad-bad! I gotta do something quick before Megumin and Aqua notice! Focus teen genius, FOCUS!
Oh, wait, I know!
Facing away from the happy-go-lucky masochist, I pulled out a controller and pressed the start button. Before my friends could ask what I was doing, they were transfixed on the limo.
After the first one got totaled by Vanir, I made some modifications to this new one. Put simply, it can now rearrange itself into a remote-controlled Decepticon! Specifically a Decepticon, not one of those lame-o Autobots. I figured it would make a suitable replacement for the lost JackMech, even if this Transformer was only 20 feet tall instead of 50.
But the reduction in height wouldn't be much of a problem in this situation. Not only should this help turn the tides on the battle, but hopefully prove a sufficient distraction from…disturbing feelings.
"Don't worry, Dark! Backup is coming in hot!"
Ugh, poor choice of words…
Thumbs on the joysticks, I sent my Decepticon right at the gundam's free arm, hoping to disable the thing piece by piece. If Big Purple here was gonna this much of a blatant creep around Darkness, I'm not sure I wanted him for myself anymore.
Plus, reprogramming him to be on my side would be one thing, but I wasn't super into the idea of completely rewriting a robot's personality, even one as basic and pervy as this. So if the creep who programmed Big purple always intended for him to do stuff like this from the get-go…
Eh, I'll at least check out what makes him tick after I was done mopping the floor with him.
However, as my badass Decepticon lunged forward, the metal lug moved away at the last second. Instead of a critical strike to the arm, I instead sorta...swatted Darkness across the damn temple.
"Oh shit – SORRY!" I shouted to the soaring crusader. "THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT!"
Darkness shouted something back, but I couldn't quite tell whether it was reassurance she was fine or more horny ramblings. I quickly found myself preoccupied as the big bot rounded on mine, throwing a punch that I narrowly dodged before properly striking its arm, causing sparks to shoot out from the joints. Sweet!
Unfortunately, my moment of satisfaction was cut short as the gundam went for a swift uppercut using its non-disabled arm. It was fast, surprisingly so, which was why I didn't block it in time. My Decepticon's head shot up like one of those Rock 'Em Sock 'Em robot toys before stumbling backwards and going down for the count, rendering my controller useless.
In hindsight…maybe putting that in as a feature wasn't one of my better ideas. Even if it did make sense at the time. Call it a spur of the moment when I was first making it.
"Uh, M-Bomb? I know you wanted me to preserve the gundam and all, but I think now's about time we cut our losses and BLOW IT UP ALREADY!"
"Huh? Oh, r-right! Sorry!" Megumin replied, having been too busy giggling over my busted robot to remember that we were actually in the middle of a fight. She cleared her throat, likely preparing yet another one of her grandiose chants while I rolled my eyes. Every time, man…I mean, they're cool and all, but still, every time...
Thankfully, Megumin knew to keep her monologue short and before long, the little firecracker casted a direct Explosion right on top of Big Purple while he was in the middle of patting himself on the back over his "victory". Cue the delicious snap of the fires, rippling shockwave, and one Megumin having fallen flat on her face once the dust settled.
You'd think her one and only spell would get old after a while, but no. I always enjoyed making her set one off on our enemies, and today was no exception!
"Nice one, Megumin! Really showed him what for!" Aqua cheered from nearby, having run off to fetch Darkness and make sure she didn't need any healing, even with her defense as high as it was. Being backhanded by a robot wasn't a comfortable experience for most people, obviously.
M-Bomb made a smug-sounding noise once I hefted her on my back, obviously quite proud of herself as we were of her. With the munchkin hitching a ride, I trotted over to Aqua and Dark, the latter of whom appeared to be in good spirits despite having scratches all over her face and hair being a tangled mess. What do I even say to her right now?
"…hey, um, I think your breastplate is lying over there. You can go get it. Or don't, I mean, it's not like I'm your dad or nothin'..."
"Gentlemanly as always I see," Darkness unexpectedly snarked with a soft chuckle before walking over to where her breastplate lay and plucking it off the ground, re-equipping it with little effort. "Well, that was...certainly not what I expected from this mission. That robot...do you think it could've been made by the same person who developed the Mobile Fortress Destroyer?"
"You mean Dumbass McGee?" I questioned aloud, briefly glancing over at the smoldering crater where a superficially impressive machine once stood. "I suppose it's not out of the question. Either way, we're definitely gonna explore this place now. Who knows, we might even find the lab where that gundam was manufactured."
"Say, maybe he's got less bloodthirsty toys laying around down there, too." Aqua chimed in, an excited look crossing her face. "Like, maybe a high-tech magical girl wand! Or a homemade video game console! That guy wasn't exactly the brightest bulb in the drawer, so maybe he liked to kick back and play games after making giant murder bots!"
"I know that feeling. C'mon evil posse, we've got leftover tech to scavenge!"
Having made our way into the temple proper, the girls and I found ourselves traversing a series of halls, looking for any and all amount of leftover goodies for us to scoop up. While walking, Aqua and I were trying to pawn off Megumin to one another, and after bouncing our downed mage back and forth for a while, we reached a literal crossroads in the path.
"Huh, fork in the road. Alright then, uh…Aqua, since you have M-Bomb right now, you two take that hall while Dark and I take this one. Holler if you find something interesting."
"Yeah, yeah, will do," Aqua muttered, likely a touch miffed that I stuck her with the deadweight and planning to keep whatever she found for herself. "Try not to get lost you guys."
Nodding, we parted ways with our assigned searching buddies and began down the marble corridors in search of a secret lab of some kind.
It wasn't a few minutes in that I began regretting my decision to split up, especially with Darkness as my partner. Aside from the regular awkwardness that came with not knowing what to say (if anything at all), but my hormonal mind kept wandering back to the stupid image of her boobs getting flicked around without a care in the world – stop, brain, j-just stop, she's right next to me for badness' sake!
"Sooo…how ya feelin' Dark?" I suddenly asked without realizing it. "Better? Or, heh, well, I guess 'worse' would be considered 'better' for a masochist. Like how 'bad' is considered 'good' for a villain, right? Heh, heh…ehhh…"
"I am quite alright, Jack, thank you. My defenses held, as expected," Darkness replied, casually dodging the actual point of my blunder of a question. Instead, she tilted her head and asked a question in turn, her tone bordering on concern. "How are you doing? You seem a bit distracted at the moment. I can imagine why, but...I wanted to check in all the same."
Aww~
Fucking hell, if this one-sided, fake puppy crush over my friend doesn't chill the fuck out already, I'm seriously considering giving that succubus bar another shot. And this time with one of my cartoon crushes instead just to take my mind off of these dangerous thoughts I keep having around her.
"Oh, uh, yeah, I'm fine. It's just that…well, I've been thinking," I muttered lamely as I took a daring glance back at her, my voice lowering a bit with my next words. "You're not really still mad at me, are you…?"
"…Not particularly, no. In hindsight, perhaps I shouldn't have been so rash," She replied after a moment, clearly choosing her words carefully as she glanced away for the moment. "I recognize that even if Chris hadn't roped you into one of her schemes, you are free to do things on your own, regardless of if I agree with the principles or not. While I will continue to protest in the future, know that I've come to understand you and cannot always see things the same way. Thus, instead of getting upset over it, I should work towards proper compromises."
Wow…surprisingly mature response. Not that she wasn't capable of being an adult, but I was already so accustomed to viewing her as an amusing pain glutton that an answer like that kinda left me a little speechless.
Still, it honestly felt nice knowing that Dark wasn't forever mad at me and even semi-recognized that we were on polar opposite ends of the morality spectrum. She may be a good guy, but a bad guy like me was still thankful to have her as a close friend anyway.
"Well gee…thanks, Dark," I mumbled shyly while hugging my arms. "Appreciate it."
"Think nothing of it, Jack. At the end of the day, we are still comrades, and that takes precedence over everything else."
Another moment of silence passed over us as we continued walking…
"Hey, I know we've already moved on from the subject and, while I don't want to push my non-existent luck, I gotta ask: is there at least some small part of you that's actually kind of happy I stole from Alderp? From what Chris told me, he's supposed to be a 'non-entertaining' scumbag of the highest order and I've heard you go on rants about corrupt nobles before."
"Am I happy about it? No, not exactly. I still think it was deceitful stunt that could've gotten a lot of people in trouble, yourself included," Darkness admitted, making me frown slightly in disappointment. But then, in a twist that gave me hope for the future, I saw the faintest smirk of what I dared to deem the evil variety gracing her lips.
"However…I am thankful it was only him Chris had selected to rob. I've heard of Alderp's antics but was fortunate enough to never meet the man himself. Even a masochist like me has limits to what she is willing to put up with, after all."
I couldn't help myself when a sharp, "HAH!" escaped my throat, which, in turn, caused Darkness to get embarrassed. Which kind of embarrassment was it? Did it really even matter? I don't think so…
Anyway, we heard Aqua's high-pitched squawks echo down the halls to come see her, so we followed the sounds of the banshee until we came upon an open door leading into what had to be the previous tenant's bedroom. A bed, desk, drawer, and a small Japanese-looking table of some sort were the only pieces of furniture left as Dark and I scanned the room. Only other thing of note was another door at the end of the room with a keypad. Ought to take a crack at that in a bit.
"Well, I gotta hand it to you, Aqua. You contributed to the mission for once and found something interesting just like I asked," I joked with a big dumb grin. "Nice job!"
"Hardy, har har. That was so funny, I forgot to laugh," Aqua huffed, not realizing she messed up her quip as she passed Megumin over to the waiting crusader. "Anyway, while you and Dark were goofing off, I found this! I think it's the guy's old journal!"
"Really? Score! Let's peek!" I declared, watching Aqua open the book to the first page and instantly being bombarded with Japanese text. Thankfully, our water goddess was bilingual (technically trilingual if you count her broken English), so she began translating for the rest of us non-Japanese speakers.
Parallel World Log. Day 1.
I was reincarnated here by a goddess and today is my first day settling in. She requested that I vanquish the rising Devil King of this land and save the collective world from his evil ways. I know it won't be easy, but I am determined to see it through. For her…
"I take it he's referring to you?" I asked pointedly.
"Eh...it's possible. But frankly, it's hard to remember each and every person I've sent over to this world," Aqua replied with a disinterested shrug, frowning at my accompanying deadpan stare. "Hey, don't judge me! This was back when I was trying to avoid personal attachments to my clients! I can't help that I was bound to forget a lot of them by doing that."
"There's probably an existential crisis in there somewhere," Megumin casually commented off of Dark's back, sparking various grunts of agreement before letting Aqua resume her translation.
Parallel World Log. Day 7.
Today I tested the power the goddess gifted me with. I may only be able to use it under certain conditions, but it's amazing regardless! With it, I can create anything I want. I don't doubt that with a power this great, I could easily conquer this world…
Still, my goal remains the same: defeat the Devil King and save this world from his tyranny.
"Wait, so they had something similar to my Sandbox Mode cheat and they didn't use it to conquer this world? Sheesh, this guy's almost as lame as Vanir…at least I have a proper evil dream."
"You do realize that not everyone is as delightfully wicked as you are, yes?" Darkness quipped with a slight smile, the only thing stopping her from crossing her arms was displacing ol' Megumin on her back. "His intentions in this log seem fairly noble. Knowing how things end, however...I wonder what drove him to such extremes?"
"I'm wondering that right now actually," I agreed, genuinely curious as well. "Let's keep reading, maybe this journal will give us all the juicy deets."
With an approving nod, Aqua turned the page, skimming over some unimportant recorded dates until she stumbled across a few that caught her interest.
Day 113.
I've been trying (and struggling) to create something powerful enough to stop the Devil King. I think the main problem lies in the aforementioned conditions that come with my power. I need to have a strong desire in order to be able to create things. Which raises the concerning question…how bad do I actually want this then…?
If I'm failing, does that mean I don't really want to defeat the Devil King after all…? Perhaps I don't…
Maybe I should go outside for a walk; get some fresh air to clear my mind. Even now, I can feel myself being tempted by my old shut-in ways staying cooped up in the base for so long.
"Huh. Y'know, if it wasn't for the fact this guy would go on to make the Mobile Fortress Destroyer and ruin so many lives for centuries, I'd almost feel kinda sorry for him right about now," Megumin commented idly.
"I'm almost sorry he got stuck with an interior Sandbox Mode," I said. "With mine, I don't need to have a strong desire to summon my materials! I just say the name, a menu pops up, and BOOM! Robot parts at the ready!"
"Yeah, that's the thing about the cheat modes. Most of them have some kind of hidden drawback, some more severe than others," Aqua mused, tilting her head quizzically at me for a moment. "Honestly, I think the only one you have to deal with is the situation, given your limited mana pool. You actually picked a decent enough one right off the bat."
"It is a pretty snazzy power I came up with, isn't it? Thanks again for convincing Eris to give it a little extra juice, even if it's not by much. By the way, how'd you talk her into that one given that you don't currently have any real authority up there?"
"Meh, let's keep it simple and say I offered her some friendly advice with just a pinch of blackmail," Aqua replied mysteriously, which led the rest of the girls and I to glance at each other in minor concern. On the one hand – hell yeah, blackmail! On the other, blackmailing an actual god sounded...messy.
Day 225.
I'm so conflicted right now.
I mean, it's not like I don't WANT to defeat the Devil King. I do…truly…I think.
But over and over again, I keep asking myself the same question of, "What should I do if I can't fulfill what it is I was sent here to do?"
Finally, I arrived at a conclusion. I took a long, hard look in the mirror and decided to be completely honest with myself for once…
I'm going to give up on trying to defeat the Devil King.
I mean, I can't just change my nature just because I was reincarnated into another world like in an isekai. I was a hardcore NEET back home for crying out loud! That's why, from now on, I'm going to do what I want and make the things I want. This time with true passion!
First item on the agenda, every guy's dream: a big tiddy robot gf! And while I'm at it, maybe a giant gundam too!
I nearly choked on my own spit and clutched my sides as I bent over, refusing to meet anyone at eye level.
"What's with you?" Aqua questioned bluntly.
"N-nothing, it's just…that last passage brought up this really cringy memory of the time I made…CheerleaderBots…" I admitted shamefully and with no pride. "You might've already seen 'em yourselves when Satou and I used that crystal thingy…"
"What do you…? Oh…oh yeah, I think I recall seeing that now…" Aqua muttered, trailing off for a moment and shrugging weakly. "Look, this really isn't my department to discuss, and even if it was, I don't think I'd have anything useful to say."
"Now look – just so we're clear – there was never anything beyond kisses on the cheek, alright!? And I already had their consent prior!" I cried out frantically, face red hot and burning from the crushing embarrassment of it all. "I was fourteen, I wasn't thinking straight, hormones! It was hard enough having to scrap 'em once I realized how weird it was having them around, I don't need you guys judging me for it!"
I cupped my face with my hands, muttering a weak, "Poor Dana…" into them as I tried to collect myself.
"There's layers to the possible conversations to be had over this," Megumin grumbled from atop Darkness' back with a look of some kind. "But I think some things are best left unsaid. Let's just all agree never to speak of this again unless absolutely necessary. Those in favor?"
"Aye," x3
Day 257.
Well, I created my giant gundam (or "golem" I guess if you want to be consistent with the fantasy vibe here), but it SUCKS! I can't even pilot the stupid thing! Being inside of it just makes me feel like a child getting tossed around in a washing machine.
Oh well, since it's already built, might as well relegate it to sentry duty I guess.
Day 289.
I went ahead and made a prototype of the robot girl of my dreams. Sadly, she's no good right now…
Her thighs are so damn HARD! Not comfy to lay my head down at all! And she doesn't know her own strength either. She was rubbing my head and I thought my neck was gonna snap at any minute. Not only that, but in my infinite wisdom, I forgot to include one small detail that every robot girlfriend needs in order to be a robot girlfriend.
That, of course, being the- -
"For the love of evil, PLEASE skip this part!" I practically begged Aqua.
"Don't have to tell me twice," Aqua complied with a grimace as she skimmed the rest of the page in her head. "Ah, here we go…"
Oh, also, whenever I leave her alone with the gundam/golem, they tear up the place. Which arouses me for some reason. Don't know why.
I cringed.
"Sorry, sorry!" Aqua apologized as she frantically flipped through the pages. "I wasn't expecting a non-sequitur like that!"
"Well…this certainly wasn't the adventure I was anticipating," Darkness sighed, looking just as perturbed as us over these logs. Though maybe she was just disappointed this dungeon wasn't living up to her insane fantasies (save for the gundam that humiliated her). "But, I suppose if there's one thing to take from this, it's that there's something to be said for creativity when creating...and when you should dial it back."
"The pervert speaks the truth…" Aqua, Megumin, and I all droned in unison before immediately glancing at one another in surprise. That was weird….
Day 563.
Back to the drawing board. No compromises this time; my dream girl will suit every last one of my needs!
First, she'll need to have a compatible personality that'll gel with mine. Which leads me to consider if I'm a masochist or a sadist? Eh, I'll come back to that question later.
Day 783.
No, no, NO! She's all wrong! But I can't describe exactly what it is that's wrong with her. Is it the face? The hair? The body type? I DON'T KNOW! All I do know is I better start from scratch if I wanna get this right. The weight of a million virgin NEETs rests on my back, and I must honor my brothers back home by doing this robot girl justice…
Oh, by the way, I've discovered that I'm a masochist. I like it rough and dirty~
Slowly, we all cast a worried glance over to our own masochist, her eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights. Probably still coming to terms with the fact that this creepazoid was once one of her people.
"Well...now I feel shame...and not the kind I enjoy either," She grumbled under our matching stares, not a blush in sight as she shook her head. "Look, I may have unorthodox tastes, but at least I try to have some standards! Or a modicum of self-respect!"
"Understandable, Darkness. We know what you mean," Megumin nodded sagely on her back. "On an unrelated note, mind if I piggyback off of Jack now? No reason, just feel like it. Still love you by the way!"
With a soft whine that could've come from either spectrum of her usual tomfoolery, Dark passed Megumin over to me wordlessly. I wasn't really gonna raise a fuss about this one, for both my sake and hers.
Day 1,230.
I've had an epiphany recently. With my powers, I don't need to mess around with robots or golems or whatever. I'll simply head to the richest country (I hear that Norse kingdom sounds promising), set myself up as their tech guy, get paid in fat stacks, and hire a hot maid to take care of me!
Goddess who sent me to this world, if you're out there listening...THANK YOU FOR MY AFTERLIFE!
P.S. To whoever finds my old journal, please take care of my robot-golem thingies. They never listen to me and probably hate me, but still, I love them like they were my kids.
"Pssh, as if. No self-respecting parent would leave their precious baby-bots unattended. I know that much," I grumbled irritably. I was so fed up with this guy! Good thing he was already dead or else I'd give him a swift kick in the pants for robot neglect. "Great, now I feel bad for Big Purple outside. Maybe we shouldn't have be so quick to blow him up…"
"Maybe. But what's done is done. No sense in crying over spilled milk," Megumin said to me while lightly nudging the side of my head with hers. "Besides, in my opinion, your big guy was cooler than his anyway. Heh, I'm still thinking about the way his head went up like that…"
"Yeah, I may have to remove that feature when we get back home. Still, thanks for recognizing quality craftsmanship when you see it, M-Bomb," I said gratefully while making my way over to the mysterious door with the keypad. "Yup, this must be the entrance to his lab alright. Gotta put in the right code it seems."
Smirking, I turned over to the others with confidence. "Watch my leet haxor skillz everyone!"
Alright, here we go. Hacking time!
"11111."
Incorrect.
"11112."
Incorrect again.
"11113."
Is this a glitch?
"Better setup camp, girls. We're gonna be here for a while. 11114...Damnit, I thought that'd be the one!"
"Oh for the love of Me – hold on! He probably wrote it down in here somewhere!" Aqua groaned before flipping through the pages of the book until finally stopping on one. "Aha! I think I found it! Try...80085."
I stopped mid-hack as my mind registered those numbers. "Oh…yeah, given what we've learned of the guy so far, I should've tried that first. 'Kay, hold on…"
Silently mouthing the word, "Boobs," I punched in the new passcode and was awarded with a ding as the doors slid open to reveal the lab. Though, really, calling it a lab was giving it too much credit. It was just an empty room with nothing in it except for some glowing cyan light fixtures and a giant glass tube smack dab in the middle. Guess that was the only thing in here that was nailed down when the idiot packed his shit and bounced.
"Wow. He really just fucked off with all the interesting stuff, huh? Figures…" I grumbled, irritated that after suffering through that stupid logbook, we weren't even gonna get anything for our troubles. Still, my eyes lingered on the giant tube, and I quirked an eyebrow curiously as I sized it up. "What do you guys think is in there?"
"Could be anyone's guess. But I think that button over there might be what opens it," Megumin said while weakly lifting a hand in order to point at a pedestal with a prominent button right next to the tube. "By the way, I know I never told you this, but we Crimson Demons possess a strong compulsion to push buttons, no matter the consequences. So if you could walk me over there so that I may honor my ancestors, that'd be neat. Thanks."
"...eh, button-pushing is pretty fun." I muttered before walking over to the pedestal and crouching down slightly so Megumin could get to it. "Alright, have at it. There might still be something worth our time down here."
With a repressed squeal, Megumin pushed the button with all the strength she had left to spare. A second later and the glass tube began to rise with a mechanical whir, followed by a piercing hiss as the steam that was trapped in the tube escaped. With the archwizard still on my back, I instinctively took a few steps back towards my other party members as a figure started to emerge from the fog.
The figure soon turned out to be a woman. Or, more specifically, a damn good imitation of one. Being a master robotics expert, I could see past the admittedly spectacular craftsmanship as she stepped out, eyes slowly opening as she scanned the room and, more importantly, us.
"Please identify yourself, master."
Stunned somewhat, I turned to my friends. They just shrugged at me.
"This is your field of expertise, not ours," Aqua said with lidded eyes. "Just do your bot thing so we can go home already."
Hesitantly, I turned back to the pretty fembot with magenta/white hair and matching...corset? Oh boy, this was gonna be a challenge for my wandering eyes.
"Uh…ahem, yes, it is I: Jack Spicer, Evil Teen Genius! And your serial number is...?"
"My designation is AX-423801. Model five," The bot answered diligently, thankfully missing my disappointment over her not so interesting designation. I guess the perv who made her didn't use leet-speak outside of 80085 as a passcode. "What can I do for you, master?"
"Well, for starters, we might wanna consider giving you a better name than what your maker assigned you with," I stated earnestly. Despite being hot and…somewhat revealing, she was still a robot, and I always had an easier time making casual conversation with them. "Hmm, how about…Alexis! For the AX part of your designation! Do you like that? Alexis I mean?"
"Alexis…" She repeated, as if testing the word. There was a long, kinda unsettling pause as she just kinda stared ahead blankly, making me shift nervously from foot to foot. Eventually, however, her smile widened slightly and she nodded. "I like this designation. Revision made to data banks."
"Cool beans," I sighed in relief, glad that the window of silent awkwardness was over. Clearly, Dumbass McGee had a different approach to AI design than me, and interacting with Alexis here was proof of that. Maybe if this mock interview goes well and we decide to take in her, I can install a proper emotion chip in her to make her responses a little less stiff and delayed. "So, if you don't mind me asking, Alexis, what is your primary directive?"
Another beat, and I swore this time Alexis' eyes seemed to change briefly. Like a momentary flash of realization before becoming empty again. "My primary directive is to provide my master with any and all pleasures requested of them. Physical and otherwise."
"…oh…" I muttered after a moment. Probably should've seen that coming given the journal entries my team and I had to suffer through, but still. "Uh, that's…c-cool, I guess. Say, uh, do you happen to have any secondary directives? Less raunchy secondary directives?"
"...no. I was never issued a secondary directive," Alexis replied after a second, once more tripping me up as I couldn't quite tell if the pauses were the processing of the question or, dare I say, hesitation regarding the answer. "My primary directive is all I've ever been required to abide by. Speaking of which…"
Without warning, Alexis pulled a whip out from behind her back (probably a secret compartment) and the hyper realistic hair extensions on her head rose like tentacles, each strand holding a myriad of BDSM toys and equipment.
I might be in trouble here…
"If you're quite finished with your frivolous questions already, I believe it is time for your daily punishment~" Alexis stated in a frightening sultry tone, taking slow, methodical steps towards me with a damn near sadistic smile on her face.
"Woah, woah, what're ya doin'!?" I cried as I stumbled backwards into Aqua and Darkness while still carrying Megumin on my back. "Alexis: stop! Override directive! Uh…Control-Alt-Delete?"
"Ah, ah, ah~ It appears you haven't set up a safe word yet," Alexis cooed, cocking her head menacingly and straining the whip in her hands. "You'll just have to apply one after we finish, hmm?"
Oh god, oh god, OH GOD! Nothing about this was okay! I was totally caught with my pants down! And they were about to be down for real if I didn't do something!
As Darkness was getting ready to shield us from Alexis' impending whip (no surprise there), I did have one failsafe option I could try. If this DominatrixBot's AI wasn't truly as sophisticated as my JackBots', then what I have in store might just work. If not…I don't want to think about it.
"W-wait a minute, Alexis!" I started, doing my best not to let my voice crack as I spoke up. "Before you have your way with me or whatever, can you at least answer me one last question? It's very important, I promise."
"Mhm...I suppose I can allow you one more~" The fembot hummed, eyes flashing again as she came to a halt only a few feet away from me. "What happens to be your question, master?"
Welp…here goes nothing.
"Does a set of all sets contain itself?"
Alexis blinked, her smile falling away as her eyes flickered once more. A long, uncertain silence followed before her entire form started to shudder violently, small sparks shooting out from her joints and neck. Just as I was beginning to worry if her core was atomic powered, Alexis' entire head blew up in a self-contained explosion, shrapnel thankfully only hitting Darkness and no one else. Smoke billowed out of the fried bot's chassis as it fell over unceremoniously.
After a few seconds of stunned silence from my team (excluding a horny crusader's gasps for air), I made a point to speak up.
"By the way, just so you know, this kind of trick won't work on my robots. Their AI's too advanced to get stuck in a logic loop like that. Just another little thing that makes them more human. All thanks to my patented emotion chips!"
"Wow. That's...not how I saw this going. Nice thinking, Jack!" Aqua congratulated, actually looking the slightest bit relieved and she stepped forward and nudged the prone form of Alexis with a chuckle. "Yeah, this thing is a whole lot different than any of your bots."
"Indeed, this one was certainly more…a-assertive than the ones you make," Darkness admitted with a light blush as she unsheathed her blade. "Even though it recognized and addressed you as its master, it was still capable of going against your wishes in order to d-dominate you and, and…!"
The disturbed knight swallowed thickly as her breathing got heavier and she used her handkerchief to wipe a little line of drool that had started to trickle out of the corner of her mouth.
"S-sorry…I shouldn't project myself onto you like that," She apologized somewhat bashfully. "I know how sensitive a topic robots are to you and I should really learn to separate them from my fantasies. I think I'm still coming down from that sharp debris hitting my face. Not to mention that golem – er, 'gundam', also fresh in my mind."
"Yeah, sure...but it only makes sense. It's what she was programmed for after all," I replied after pushing aside the confusing feelings that threatened to resurface after yet another one of Dark's outbursts. Turning back to Alexis, I frowned. "The guy who made her was a total creep, but I gotta give credit where it's due: she definitely seems advanced outside of her artificial intelligence. It could be that he did that on purpose, but I think that's giving him a bit too much credit."
"His design for the Mobile Fortress Destroyer came from him swatting a spider with a piece of paper," Megumin pointedly reminded me. "Anything is giving him too much credit."
"Fair point," I said with a nod. I stared back down at the headless form of Alexis, frown deepening. "Still…it's kind of sad when you think about it."
"I mean...a little, yeah," Aqua agreed, ceasing her poking as she actually cast the fallen bot a more sympathetic look. "Never had a chance to be anything more than a glorified sex doll. With a bit of your handiwork…I dunno, maybe she could've been something more. Those emotion chip thingies of yours seem to do the trick with the others."
My genius mind began to wander, as it does when presented with a tricky problem. It was then that the words of an unambitious, pervy, neglectful, deadbeat dad floated around in my skull:
To whoever finds my old journal, please take care of my robot-golem thingies. They never listen to me and probably hate me, but still, I love them like they were my kids.
…
"Let's take her back."
All three heads snapped in my direction off of that statement, prompting me to hold up my hands and clarify hastily.
"Now just hold on a second, before you get any ideas! Aqua said it best herself, she never got a chance at a proper life. And my emotion chips could be helpful in the process! Obviously, there's not even a guarantee I can work with what's left of her now, but I should at least try, right?"
"Well…" Megumin trailed, twisting her head back down at the remains of Alexis. "If we came back from a dungeon empty-handed, it would be an unflattering talking point amongst the guild members…"
"I mean, you are right on that front, I suppose," Darkness remarked, joining us next to the singed chassis of the bot with a more thoughtful expression. "If nothing else, a greater understanding of this man's technology could aid us in the future. Eris forbid he had any more mistakes or murderous contraptions lying around."
Aqua made it a point to look directly at me, which naturally made me uncomfortable. After a second of staring me down, she spoke.
"If you can make her behave and maybe dress her up in something a little more…tasteful, then I don't see why we can't bring her back home."
I released a breath I didn't realize I was holding and cracked a thankful smile at Aqua as I nodded with appreciation. "Thanks. I'll be sure to keep things appropriate. Hell, with any luck, whatever dominatrix program she had running might've gotten lost in the overload."
"Let's hope so," she said while lifting Alexis up by her shoulders. "Hey Darkness, could you get the legs while I get the arms?"
Nodding, Dark approached the down bot and helped lift her up by her stiletto boots while Aqua secured her shoulders. I just continued to tote Megumin around as we all made our way out of the cursed lab to never look back on again.
Hope Dumbass McGee rots in hell. He deserves it for mistreating and neglecting his children.
You thought I was gone? Nah, just swoodin'.
But seriously, sorry for the hold up on updates. Been busy with life and personal junk, you know how it is. Anyway, this is a chapter I've been waiting to do for a while now, and one I bet some of you anime-onlys have been anticipating. I mean, a Konosuba fanfic about an evil genius who builds robots and I DON'T include the OVA where the gang uncovers a sexbot? I'd have my fanfic license revoked if I didn't seize the opportunity!
Speaking of the sexbot, I figured it was only natural that Jack would take pity on "Alexis" and bring her home to install new life into her software. I thought about him doing the same for the gundam (aka "Big Purple") but ultimately choose Alexis over him. That's why he got blown up the way he did. Sorry if you wanted Jack to have the gundam, but he can always make his own. Besides, I think Alexis will be an interesting enough addition to the team. Hope you're all ready for a new side character!