Chapter 12: Phantom Pains

As fun as it was seeing my kits again and seeing them interact with my new daughter, we had to leave. Our presence was too conspicuous. My kits were loud with excitement. Splitpelt's form was too unique. On top of that was my power which Snowtuft described as a beacon. I watched as Frecklewish and Birchface began walking towards us. Finally, he stood in front of me through the barrier. His eyes reflected his stern judgement. He did not trust me, but it was the same way one wouldn't trust another clan. It didn't hold the same animosity.

I broke the tense silence mewing, "I think it is time we head back. We're starting to draw attention. We'll have to do this again."

I could scarcely stand the look on my kits' faces as they knew we'd be parting again. I knelt next to them.

"Now you three be good for Birchface. He's an amazing warrior and friend. This isn't goodbye forever. Just for now."

Foamkit looked so disappointed to be leaving her siblings, but she had a bit more maturity for her age. Sullenly she clambered onto my back to ride her way back to camp. I didn't mind the tiny kit resting between my shoulder blades. I turned to the rest of my group and raised my tail in signal. They all had clan instincts and fell in behind me as I led them away.

Despite how easy it would be to just immediately be at camp, I wanted to just walk for a bit. Foamkit was exhausted from the day's excitement, so she rested silently as we walked. What Birchface revealed to me was still clouding my mind. I hadn't done justice with my crimes. I could almost see my victims in the corners of my vision. Their horrendous wounds from my claws and actions haunted me. I couldn't forgive myself. I'd confused my madness for Starclan's guidance. It felt so wrong. I had always been able to decipher illusions from visions, but I hadn't been all there when my kits died. It shook my faith severely. I could still navigate, but things just felt muggy, like there was question of if it was really there.

When we entered camp, I deposited Foamkit in the nursery and leapt onto my boulder. I didn't want to do anything. My guilt was tearing me up. I let myself drift in those thoughts. My three victims appeared in my vision as specters of hatred. I could hear them chastising me for what I had done to them. I'd spread my pain, and they wanted to return it. I felt so lonely… small… tired… guilty. I could only curl myself up tight trying to ignore what new madness my mind set on me. It didn't help. At first the specters became silent. Then came something akin to an itch. My eye, my throat, my stomach. They all developed this slight itch that began progressing. It became a dull ache, then it became a sharp sting. Finally, they were burning. I kept my jaws clamped trying to avoid screeching. I didn't want my friends to know. I didn't want them to see my guilt. I deserved this.

Frecklewish had been watching me since meeting Birchface. That cat may have been her brother, but she felt no familial love for him. Even though she could faintly remember him, his actions told a different story. She'd seen me after I'd talked to him. The way I carried myself was wrong. It was heavy and lacked the confidence I was so well known for. On the way back I had been silent. This was not like I'd usually act. I didn't even stay in the nursery with Foamkit like I so often did. She saw me leap onto my boulder. At first, she thought I just needed some space. The sharp scent of blood persuaded her otherwise.

I could feel her paw steps when she jumped onto the boulder and saw me. I thought I might have been bleeding. These phantom pains were so much more real here. She was immediately on top of me. She could smell my distress. I think she knew more than she let on because instead of calling for aid, she laid beside me and started grooming me calmly. I could feel her tongue pull out the tangles in my pelt. She began to whisper to me.

"Mapleshade. It's not real. You're ok."

The pain was fading, but my guilt wasn't ready to subside. I pressed myself into her needing to confess. I needed to apologize. I couldn't make up for what I did.

"I'm sorry." Was all I could mutter on loop.

It wasn't enough. The guilt hung like a heavy stone in my stomach. I couldn't bring myself to stop. She didn't move away. Instead, she just kept grooming me silently. I let her do so. I was too broken to move away. I finally settled down enough to give a complete thought.

"I'm so sorry Frecklewish. You didn't deserve to die. I thought I was freeing my kits to go to Starclan, but that wasn't true. I hurt you. I killed you all because I wanted to blame some other cat. I killed my kits. I'm a monster and a terrible mother."

She just rested quietly beside me before responding, "I forgive you."

I couldn't comprehend her answer.

"How? I'm a monster. I did so much evil. I deserve to rot."

She hit me hard with a sheathed paw. I could only look at her with shock.

"You listen to me! You are not a monster! You are just a cat who was hurt. I got the whole story from Birchface. There are so many cats at fault for what happened to you and what you became. Appledusk should have never killed Birchface or taken another mate. Ravenwing should have never been seeking out reasons to out you. Oakstar should have never exiled your kits. And I… I shouldn't have watched them drown. I let you and them down. From what Birchface told me, I didn't even try. I might have even been happy to see it. I'm not without sin. If you are a monster, I am as well. I watched kits die when I could have done something. In truth, we're all cats. We're flawed. We get hurt and lash out. It's the reason there is a Darkforest, why there are four clans, why we fight. We're either all monsters or all cats."

I sat silently letting her words wash over me. Maybe I wasn't a monster. I could feel her tongue begin rasping through my pelt again. It was soothing. I let it guide me into rest. It was the first time I dreamed here. I dreamed of a world where we all just were cats. There were no borders and no fights. We all just existed. That world felt so real. I could tell sadness still existed, but violence did not. The concept of fighting was just alien. I wished such a place could be real.