Chapter 47: Existential Dread
I was beginning to understand the origin of Starclan's apathy. Do not misunderstand me. I still hate their way of existence with a passion, but it was becoming apparent why they were that way. I was the most powerful being I know, only ever hampered by a barrier I modified, and unable to find a peer or rival. Sure I had long term goals to keep me sane, but I couldn't do anything about them yet. I'd yet to see this fiery savior that was supposed to prelude my invasion of Starclan by about a generation. In a word, I was bored, bored to tears and starving for something to challenge me.
Splitpelt and Frecklewish must have noticed my moodiness because they gave me some extra space. They only ever confronted me about my mood when I absentmindedly was digging a ditch to the barrier by paw.
"What are you doing Mapleshade? Is it something we can help with?" Asked Frecklewish with a small bit of concern.
"I honestly don't know what I'm doing. Digging a hole maybe? I'm just… frustrated I believe. There are things coming and things I want to do, but they're so far into the future and I don't know what to do to get ready for them. I mean, look at all I've done since getting here. I've reunited with you, built an afterlife to rival Starclan, ascended, and ensured my kits got a chance to grow up, but now I'm slowing down, losing pace, and I don't know what to do." I ranted guiltily.
I know I shouldn't have felt this way. I'd done so much good. I'd accomplished so much, so why was it so hard for me to just rest a moment? After defeating challenge after challenge, why do I feel the need to demand more? Is it my nature? Is it a curse? Or is it something else entirely? Do I fear what I'll do when I settle down? Do I worry that I'll inevitably become complacent as time continues to slowly march on, eventually fading into the background of existence with cold numbness? I felt a shiver run down my spine at the thought.
Splitpelt and Frecklewish had somehow become even more in sync with me because they seemed able to read my mind somewhat. I felt them wrap around me, despite the mud. Their warm presence helped soothe my spiraling mind. I let my fear settle down as they began to console me.
"There is nothing wrong with you my dear. You are just suffering from an existential crisis. I should know. I've had my fair share. I've gone mad many times during my stay in the Darkforest for days, moons, seasons, or even cycles at a time, all for that same question that burdens you now. Why continue to exist? What am I supposed to do? What is my purpose?
Only recently did I find my answer, my solution, my purpose, and it pulled me out of a long dive I'd been letting happen. I found who I wanted to be and why I'd continue to change and exist. I found you, and let me tell you what I've learned. No cat needs a reason to exist. We just do. Purpose is a nebulous thing we created to give us direction, but that guiding light we call purpose can also blind us and leave us lost, as it has done to you. I want you to take a step back and briefly forget this goal and prophecy that you've been letting consume your thoughts. What is here and now that makes you happy? What do you feel like doing?"
Splitpelt's speech rattled me. What did I want to do? What made me happy? I had side projects besides dealing with the prophecy, but at some point it all became muddled together, somehow driving me both mad and confused as I tried to prioritize things stretching towards that goal Splitpelt pointed out was nebulous. At some point I lost myself in the goal. I'd assumed my goal was my purpose, but that is what Starclan was doing, and I hated them for it. They gave out goals to cats believing that was all there was to them, never thinking about how the journey would effect the cats. Cats were just means to ends to them, and they believed it to be an honor, but how was I better? I was planning to manipulate Crookedpaw the same way Starclan does. I had wanted to use him as a means to throw off their prophecy. Maybe it was time to forget the prophecy and focus on myself. I could afford to ignore the prophecy until the fiery savior revealed itself.
I felt lighter now that I'd decided to unshoulder the burden that was the prophecy. The question was, what did I want to do? Then I remembered who I am. I am the Mother. That is what I love to do. That is what I want to do.
Splitpelt felt my tension fade as I found what I desired. "Thank you you two. I've been stressed, letting this whole prophecy thing get to my head. No more. I've decided what I want to do. I want to bring the family together, all of them, all of the Unseen Stars, Crookedpaw, and my kits in Starclan. It's time we've had some proper bonding. We'll celebrate being together in the one place that allows it, the border, where cats can meet despite our backgrounds."
Splitpelt ran off to tell the Unseen Stars while Frecklewish stayed behind at my side.
"That sounds really sweet Mapleshade. You know, there are a few cats I want to see again as well. Do you think they'll come if I ask?" Frecklewish asked wistfully.
"It is their choice if they want to come or not. If they do, then you know they care for you and deserve your kindness and care. If they don't, they were never worth your attention. Regardless, I'll be here for you. Our whole family will too. You aren't just a cat to them. You're family, maybe an aunt or even a mother to them. I mean, you are the mate of The Mother, so that kind of makes you their mother as well, unless you want to be the father as weird as it sounds."
I caught Frecklewish laughing at my last remark. Good. I hated seeing her sad.
"That's why I love you. You always know what to say. Even when you don't, you somehow bumble your way into somehow making my day brighter. I just wish I could have appreciated it while we were still alive. Could you imagine my father's face if he found out I was smitten to a shecat? I swear he'd lose one of his nine lives right there." Frecklewish mewed through tearful laughter. Then her mood became more mellow. "I really do have regrets Mapleshade, things that happened while we were alive that I'll never live down. I wish I knew myself like I know now. I wish I'd looked past the code to see the cats before me. I wish I hadn't bogged myself down with the words duty and justice. They're empty words that we all just use as justifications. They don't save lives. They don't win fights. They cause them and make the aggressor feel righteous. I've learned things here, in a place of damnation, that I'd never learn while alive or in Starclan, things I wish I could teach or tell my past self, but, like everything, I have to accept what happened and who I was and who I am now to move forward. You are my family Mapleshade, and I can never repay you for all you've done for me despite all I did. You had every right to fade me when you found me, but you didn't. You forgave me and accepted me. That is why my purpose is you."
Tears filled my eyes. What did I do to deserve such caring companions? I was a murderer who'd failed to save her own kits, and yet I find myself surrounded by loved ones and looked to for guidance. What a strange world we live in.