I wasn't exactly sure what I was doing when I was doing it. Everything kind of just blurred together until I was going on a rant in front of my boss. When I get to the deli on the other side of town, I let out a breath and take off my heels, trying to breathe through the awkwardness rotting through my ribs. Clinging to what shred of dignity I have left, I walk barefoot into the deli to order two BLTs to go. The guy behind the counter gives my bare feet a once over, rolling his eyes and proceeding to make our sandwiches.

I like going barefoot. I can't think about it too closely though, of the germs coating my skin as I slink along the linoleum floors. But I like the way my toes flex across terrain. It's like everything gets muted in shoes, and when I take them off I can suddenly connect with the earth below me as everything becomes more real than it was before. I look down at my phone, but there's no missed calls. Part of me just wants to get it all over with. Get the call, pack my bags, move back in with my mom and dad and pay rent to live in a room that only reminds me of acne scars and bath and body works perfume. But nothing happens. I'm focusing so much on my phone, willing a call to come through, to break through my immutable inner dialogue, that I don't hear when they call out my order. The man behind the counter barks out my number again and I startle into action.

I still haven't put my shoes on when I enter Lex's office. I forget with my mind whirring the way it is. When I step onto the carpet, I realize my error and recoil at my own stupidity. I peer around to try and avoid Lex's view, to make myself as invisible as possible in his presence, only to realize he's not even there. Creeping in, as if sound would make him appear, I tentatively call out, seeing if anyone's in the room. An uneasiness settles over me as I think back to the last time I was here alone, of a cloth being shoved over my nose and mouth, the panic rising through my throat as everything slipped into blackness. Bile begins to rise in my throat and everything in the room begins to spin. I try to expel the bile, but nothing comes out, just a whole lot of retching and in between retching my voice comes out in deafening sobs. The bile feels like the vines, snaking throughout my throat and this time they reach into my stomach. They'll tear me apart, I know it.

Someone grabs me from behind, but this time I'm ready. I jerk around in all the comotion and scratch at my attacker, flailing to increase my chances of striking them. I get a few decent hits until my arms are pinned to my sides. Someone's yelling obscenities, and I have the unnerving feeling that it's me. I take a moment to breathe, trying to break from their grip.

I move to look at my attacker, so I can describe them to the police, only to find Lex staring at me with wide eyes. "Sarah, it's just me." He's got a red mark stretching across his jaw, one protruding line dotted with red. "What was all that?" He starts to blur in front of me as tears fill my eyes. I try to stand by myself but find the comfort of his arms too enticing and instead bury myself in his chest, where I proceed to stain his crisp white shirt with my cheap drugstore mascara. He doesn't pull away, but he doesn't exactly hold me either, he instead stands perfectly still with his hands gripping my shoulders. I calm myself after a while, my ragged breath going from short and panicked gasps to deep heaving sighs. I pull back, testing my weight, grateful I took off my heels. "Sarah?"

"I'm fine now." I say, my gravelly voice betraying the opposite.

"You're not fine. I found you in here having a panic attack and then you clawed at my face when I tried to see what was wrong." I feel myself starting to cry again. He unrolls his sleeve which had been rolled to his elbow and pulls up his shoulder so he can hook his thumb under the cuff, raising his shirt sleeve to my face so he can gingerly wipe the tears from under my eyes. "Ok, that's enough. Just tell me what's wrong." It doesn't sound like a reprimand, he says it gently and pulls me down towards my desk chair.

"I don't know what happened. I came in and when you weren't here…"

"You thought I was reporting you? Sarah, I-"

"No! God, you really think I'd get that worked up over a job? Don't get me wrong, I know how lucky I am to have this job, and I'd be devastated if you fired me. But…" I feel myself getting worked up again and breathe slowly. My eyes trail to where I was standing when it all happened. I have the faint urge to pinch my nose and pucker my lips together in an airtight lock. "I came in here and you were gone and it was the first time I've been alone in here since…you know." He crouches next to me and takes my hand in his own.

"Tell me how I can make it up to you." I look at him, puzzled. "I just mean, what can I do?" I shrug, tracing his fingers through raw and foggy eyes. His thumb is tracing lazy circles around my wrist.

"You shouldn't have to do anything. I have to just, I don't know, go on I guess." He nods cautiously, as if he's secretly glad of my answer but knows he should insist.

"How do you feel about a party tonight?" He asks, rather abruptly, I might add. I'm about to scold him when he continues. "I only mean, I have this gala thing I have to attend in Metropolis tonight and I think you could use a night away from this town." I nod, urging him silently to go on. "You would come as my assistant formally, but I wouldn't make you do any actual work."

"I don't know. I don't really have anything to wear." It's a lie. I completely do. It's a dress I got for a formal a year ago which I brought along specifically for events like this one. But some odd, probably toxic, part of me wants him to fight for me to come.

"Anything you have is fine. Or, if you'd prefer, I could give you the company card, since a new dress would technically count as a business expense." I smile.

"That's ok, I'll scrounge something together." His eyes light a tiny bit.

"Good. Just remember to wear shoes." He adds, looking disapprovingly at my feet. I'm convinced he's already forgotten, but I am all too aware of his hand gripping mine and the subtle warmth which pulses through me at the small touch. He smiles up at me as I swing my legs back and forth like a child. My breathing pauses when he looks up at me like that and I want to bury my face in his chest again.

"I'm sorry I ruined your shirt."

"No worries, just a Hugo Boss."

"Do you wear him because you're the boss-man?" I can see him visibly cringe and an unexpected laugh rings out of me like a shot.

"You're lucky I don't fire you over your shitty puns."

"You'd fire me over clothes? That might incur a law-suit." I start snickering even more, holding back a huge guffaw.

"Hardy- har- har. Now, are you feeling better?" I nod, though him mentioning it has brought me back to the place I was moments ago. To distract myself, I look down to our joined hands. As if suddenly electrocuted, Lex jumps back, his hand untangling from my own as he bounces back onto his heels and rises to his full height in front of me. "Right, then. Tonight. Better start getting ready." I nod as he ushers me up from my chair and out the door.