"Raz! Hold on!" screamed Bojack, "I can't, I'm a fucking dog you fuck". The two fly out of the plane as it rips apart and explodes, falling from the air. "FUCKKKKKKKKKKKK" screamed Raz.
Meanwhile the real Doctor (and not the fake female Doctor) wakes up in some alien realm. "WHERE THE HELL AM I?", "it appears to be your asshole" says Professor Dinkles, "IT IS NOT MY ASSHOLE YOU GODDAMN FUCK" screamed the Doctor. "I bet the mean lady and the baby put us here, they love making us real doctor who fans very sad", "yes, this is definitely a plot against me by that poorly acted Doctor Nasty and Chibs the Idiot".
Suddenly the Doctor hears a voice, "Can you hear me" he replies walking towards it. Only to find fellow Canadian, and psychologist, author, and media commentator, Jordan Peterson.
Meanwhile, Bojack is blooded and dead on the pavement. His skull is cracked in, and his organs are everywhere. Suddenly the organs retreat back into his body, his wounds heal up, and he gasps for air. "Oh god, oh god I was dead again wasn't I" said Bojack in a shocked manner. "Of course you were fucking dead, you fell 11 km from the air you fucking prick", "oh my god, Raz.. how are you still alive", "my dog body broke my fall. I guess I'm just a head now, fuck, will this day get any worse" Raz cried.
The Doctor looked at Mr Peterson shocked, "Jordan Peterson.. The Professor Jordan Peterson? How the fuck are you here?", "I'm here to help young men get the hell up, get their life together and be a force for good in the world", the Doctor saw a bunch of young men behind Jordan Peterson learning about aliens and stuff in this alien realm. "I'm something of a professor myself" replied Professor Dinkles.
Suddenly one of the light creatures appears. "JORDAN STEP AWAY" shocked the Doctor, "Do not be afraid. This is my guardian" said Jordan,
"They're not your guardians", "I can offer you my hand. We may leave this place together", "I don't think that will work," "How will you know if you do not try? Decide, Doctor." Professor Dinkles and the Doctor took Jordan Peterson's Hand and returned to Ewrth.
Meanwhile in the Master's Tardis, Mark Zuckerberg and the Master are laughing about their evil plans. "You should've seen me. I was great! She did not have a fucking clue." laughed the master evily, "now, final calibrations, and then we'll be ready. All our efforts will come together in a moment of beauty. We'll all have what we want." "Good, but I would not wish to have last minute changes as I'm about to take off" replied Zuckerberg. "A little chaos is a wonderful thing. Allowed me to swat those flies." smirked the Master.
Meanwhile Ryan is walking thou the street holding a bodyless Raz, "Where the hell are we" yelled Raz, watching as people screamed at the sight of Bojack holding a decapitated head, as Ryan checks his phone.
"Britain. We're home. Almost. Essex?", "great.. couldn't have we landed in a cool place, like Jacksonville or Seattle", let's just figure out what Barton and O are planning. That's what the Doctor'd do.", "Borrrrinnngggg, let's get wasted", "No, we have a responsibility, anyway I still got access to Barton's diary. He's giving a keynote speech in London tomorrow night." "God, you're so fuckign boring Ryan. I wish you actually had died", "don't make me drop you" threatened Bojack. "Anyway, we have an advantage, i doubt he knows we're still alive."
"Now you are safe Doctor, but who are you and how the hell did you enter my alien realm" asked Peterson, "One, It's not your alien realm, Two I'm a Traveller In Timee and Space. And I was in the middle of dealing with a planet-threatening conspiracy when I was attacked by an old enemy and exiled to the place where I found you.", "I'm not a fool Doctor", "No" smiled the Doctor brushing off Peterson's suit, "You aren't".
Enter the Master, looking more like a Mister Hyde than anything else. "LADIES AND FUCKING GENTLEMEN! SEE THIS INCREDIABKE SHRINKING DEVICE! Want to be smaller, ladies… now.. YOU CAN!" he shouts gleefully as he zaps a nearby woman into a tiny doll. Panic ensues. "Who's next? Who's FUCKING NEXT! You, SIR!" the master zaps another man.
"Go, Jordan. Go! The world mustn't live without your genius" urged the Docotro. The Master holds out the miniature people, "Ah, the happy couple" he smiles, stuffing them into his mouth and voring them. "I SAID GO YOU FUCKING IDIOT" shouted the Doctor to Jordan.
"Do not move! Hands on heads. HANDS ON HEADS!" Shouted the Masyter, "LET THEM GO" shouted the Doctor back, "Haha, you think you can threat me Doctor?" he smirked, before peering at a lady next to him, "Did you just move?.. Did you just FUCKING MOVE?", "N..n..no" cried the lady mousey. "Oh, my mistake. Sorry. Sorry about that" he replies apologetically, before immediately shrinking the woman. "Gives me a little buzz, that does.. making them dread before I… extinguish them. Right here, in the hearts. It's like... How would I describe it? It's like... It's like knowing I'm in the right place, doing what I was made for." smirked the Master to the Doctor. "What do you want?, "I want you to… Kneel. Kneel and call me Master and suck my dick.. or they all die." "No, dude.. I will never suck your dick, that's fucking gay you know", "Beg your pardon.. I am the Fucking Master and you will do as I fucking say", "I will never do what you say.. who put you up to this? Chibs the idiot?", "When I arrange for your death, I expect you to stay dead. How did you escape? How did you end up here?".. "You don't know? Really? You're not in control of these creatures. I bet you don't even know what they are", "They're called the Kasaavin, and we have interests in common", "You, Zuckerberg, and a race you barely know? That's one uneasy alliance. Trust each other, do you?" Jordan is moving, slowly.
The Master smiled "Oh, completely. By the way, I bring news from home."
"Down, Doctor!" shouted Peterson, as his machine gun rattles. One of the bullets hits the Master in the right upper arm. "Fuck you" shouted the Master, as he left.
"The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun… is a good guy with a gun" smiled the Doctor at Peterson. "Now.. let's get out of here.. Jordan, how did you get to the alien realm".. "Oh, I just used my teleportation device", "teleportation device, that can get me back to Bojack and Raz.. if they're still alive. Let's go".
"Okay, we're here. Mark Zuckerberg penthouse…" said Bojack, as he entered through a window. "Ay, it's creepy isn't it" he said, looking at the android mannequins that are everywhare. Suddenly the mannequins moved, "Oh fuck.. you killed us Ryan.. we're dead", "not this time" said Ryan, Tiktok dancing as lasers came out of his laser shoe and shot all the manniquiems. "Okay, let's go" he said.
"Alan.. Alan Turing?" said the Doctor is shock, as him and Jordan Peterson were just teleported in front of Alan Turing. "Don't move. I said don't move!" He threatened, "We're not hostile. We're here by accident.", "What are you doing out here? What are you wearing?" Turing looked at the Doctors brightly technocoloured coat. Suddenly they heard Germans shouting. "Oh, no" said the Doctor, as he saw SS officers patrolling the street. "Well at least they aren't SJWs", "It's a patrol. Inside, quick. We're not safe out here." They run for cover. The German military car stops and a very Non-Aryan officer steps out. "I know you're here! I will find you! And I will gas you!" shouted the master as his gizmo beeps. "Especially you, Doctor. Coming, ready or not. I will come for you.. quite literally".
Meanwhile Raz and Bojack are spying on Mark Zuckerberg and an older woman who is tied to a chair staring at a machine.
"Beautiful, isn't it? It's my Fake News Machine, I built it myself. Not going to say anything? I messaged you on Facebook, my Facebook, you never responded. Why?", "Why am I here?" asked the old lady. "I recently arrived, here, in Britain. Why is that suspicious? I thought it would be nice for us to see each other", the older lady didn't reply. "I keep wondering, do you know? Do you realise that I am the most successful men on the planet? I've changed the world. Do I get a well done?", "Well done, not that it was hard for you… we both know the impressive scope of AI, Are we finished?", "No, are you still mad that I am not a real boy mommy.. do you wish I was a real boy", Zuck teared up. "I can never be a real boy mommy.. but I'm so much better. I'm sorry mommy", the Kasaavin surround his mother, activating the machine, as energy shoots into her head and causes it to swell up and explode. She screams. He smiles. Her brains are now everywhere. "Don't mind if I do" he says, grabbing her brains like chips from a bag of chips and eating them.
Banging on the door, the Germans enter. Turing is sitting at a desk by the window. "Yes?" asked Turing, The trooper throws some papers on the floor. The Master enters. "You're new.", The Doctor, Professor Dinkles, and Jordan are hiding under the floorboards, with a radio transmitter. The Master stamps his foot and the troopers fire their machineguns downwards, spitting up the floor, wood chips flying everywhere, cutting everyone in the room. Turing doesn't flinch. The Germans and the Master leave, a door closes. Turing gets up, moves a small rug and removes floorboards.
As Bojack and Raz leave the Zuckerberg home to go after him, a black Range Rover screeches to a halt and three armed men get out. "Down! Get down! Face down on the floor!", "Sorry, mate, it's you who's getting down on the floor." Ryan balances on one foot, shooting lasers out the other. "This is the most advanced laser shoe known to man. Don't make me do the old soft-shoe shuffle." They comply.
"You think I'm stupid because I'm black. And now I'm taking your phones and we're going to raid your GPS. How's that for smart?", "Ryan, don't tell them the fucking plan." Yelled Raz. "Oh, yeah. Sorry, I got a bit carried away. Come on, let's go." They drive after Mark Zuckerberg.
The Doctor is angrily tapping four dots on Turings morse key."That's not a code" Turing said. "No, but it is for me. The rhythm of two hearts." replied the Doctor taking over. The Master hears it in his underground bunker. He takes over from the resident Morse code operator and replies.
"That got his attention. He's not so far. I can sense him., the Doctor closes his eyes, "Contact", "Contact. Old-school" smiles the Master.
The Doctor and Master psychically link. "You're not the only one who can do classic.", "So, how are you holding up without a Tardis, or your friends or a hope? A fugitive in time?", "All right dude. You've come all this way. You've got me cornered. I'll meet you. No troops. No soldiers. Just us." "Where?", "Where do you think?"
The Doctor meets the Maester on the Ffel Towel viewing platfeom, as Air raid sirens, searchlights, and echoes of gunshots as ppl get shot on the streets below.
"Nice outfit dude, but you're not exactly their Aryan archetype." said the Doctor to the Master, "Tiny Teutonic psychic perception filter. Learned it at school. Lets people see what they want to see.", the Doctor grimaced at the Masters response. "Honestly if you looked like what I wanted to see, you'd be a hot girl with big breasts. So why are the Kasaavin assassinating spies?", "Earth's intelligence services started to realise their presence", "And you, you brought the Kasaavin to Earth?", "They were already here. I just persuaded them we had interests in common. The Kasaavin are embedded across the whole of this universe, spies from another dimension. As I said to Zuck, think of them as Russia, but bigger. Sleeper agents everywhere, waiting to be activated, amassing information in case they need to attack. And, I mean, you know me. I can't help myself. I have to stick my oar in." "What the Fuck have you done?", "Suggested a better plan."
Meanwhile Bojack and Raz arrive in the secret META BASE. "Where's Zuckerberg? This is where his guys were supposed to lead us, and he's not here." The screen turns on and shows the Zuck, "Well done overpowering my people. But did you really think they wouldn't tell me? I have a significant announcement to make, and you will not stop me" he said robotically. "We know all about you. We know some of your DNA isn't human" shouted Ryan, "You will not understand who I am. I have been built for one purpose, to spread Fake News, and now it's time for the global roll-out"
"Why didn't you die when the Kasaavin attacked you?", The Doctor keys his sonic screwdriver behind his back. "Me and Dinkles, we're awesome ass time travellers, fizzing with artron energy, and my DNA not matching the rest of humanity, we confused them. And I don't think they're as stable in this dimension as they'd like to be. What deal have you made with them?", "I showed them and Zuckerberg what was possible. They helped me lay a trap for you, and I raised their ambitions. Of course, ultimately the Kasaavin are just the mechanism. They... they don't have my vision, you know?", "What vision?", "Maximum carnage." "Oooh Edgy". "Zuck and these creatures do the dirty work, and once they're done, I get rid of them, having destroyed your precious human race in the process. Win-win-win."
"When did you last go home?" Finally asks the Master, "Why" the Doctor replied. "I took a trip home, to Gallifrey, hiding in its little bubble universe. Not sure how to describe what I found. Pulverised? Burned? Nuked? All of the above. Someone destroyed it. Our home, razed to the ground. Everyone killed. Everything burned." "You're lying", "You should really take a look. Oh, wait, you won't be able to. I just thought I'd let you know before I…", "Can you hear voices?", "Why are there troops coming up the stairs?", "Oh sorry, That was me", "What the hell have you done?" He grabs his throat, leaning the Doctor out over the railing.
"Sent a message to the Nazis, informing them of your infiltration"
He lets her go and rushes to the lift, but it's not going up, and the Doctor sonics his face. "Facial perception filter? Very easy to jam. Now they'll see the REAL YOU. Good luck." The Doctor smiles.
The SS hold the Master and take him away, "I believe there's been a misunderstanding. Can we talk about this? You've always struck me as such reasonable people." cries the Master. "Thank you for informing us about this Doctor. The Third Reich is forever in your debt", "Don't mention it" replies the Doctor walking away like a boss.
Zuckerberg arrives at an auditorium. As the Doctor runs through Paris.
"Over here" shouts Peterson, "Is this what you meant?" he says next to the aaustreilan homested. "I bet it wasn't. So arrogant. Didn't even change the appearance."
"Why is this house so important?", "Why do you think it's a house, are you stupid man? It's a machine that travels in Space and Time. This is my way back to finding my friends and saving humanity. I know you think I'm mad, but give me five minutes and you'll think I'm the sanest person alive." Shouts back the Doctro.
He walks inside, sonics the console (which actually looks cool unlike the master Tardis in the Chibnall era) and displays light up.
"The Kasaavin posted an agent on every person on that map, because that's what spies do, what Zuckerberg does. They gather all the data. Where does the DNA fit in? Kasaavin, technology, DNA. How are they all connected? Oh! Human DNA. That's what they were testing."
Meanwhile at the Auditionium, Zuckerberg is standing there robotically. "Today, I'm here to thank you all round the world who've made our achievements possible. To everyone who, over the years, has given us everything. We gave you pieces of code, and metadata and code, and you handed me total access to your lives. What you buy, where you go, who you text, what you text. Every thought and photo and post. Every credit card number, every birthday, every memorable place and all your mothers' maiden names, and everyone you fuck and have intercourse with. So thank you for signing up your kids, handing them our devices. We told you, of course your lives are private, that your data's safe. And you dumbfucks believed us. You kept clicking Agree like fucking retards. And now, we can do anything. I can send a text to every device on this planet."He presses a button his phone and phones bingle everywhere, "Go ahead. Read it." Suddenly the fake news machine starts to shoot into every human being with a phone, and starts uploading them to the metaverse. Bojack paniks, "Fuck fuck fuck, Humanity is over. You have three minutes to prepare. Prepare for what?"
"I am way past peak human" smiles Zuck robotically, "ive created systems that are smarter and can run more efficiently than you do. So what's your purpose? We must be useful for something. Well, the data tells us we are. We can repurpose.. all of you. the most efficient type of hard drive on Planet Earth? Humans. Human DNA can store so much data. You are the perfect storage system, which means there are over seven billion potentially incredibly useful hard drives on this planet. All that's needed is to reformat the whole of humanity is my fake news machine and the metaverse. A digital universe made entirely out of fake news."
Process initiating, says a smart watch. The Fake News Machine lights up and starts rotating. "Anyone feel like this is something we should be worried about?" says Rhan, Theplace fills with Kasaavin, which then leap as energy into the Fake News Machine and out of people's phones.
"Mum? I can't move!" says a girl, That girl is permanently attached to her phone anyway..
"A handful of us will remain sentient in order to supervise. But for ou? Welcome to the end of your pathetic worthless dumbfuck lives.
Bojack tries to shoot his laser shoes at the Fake News Machine, but The lasers bounce off it.
The Master then stomps into the room "Move away you Fucks! I've just had the most infuriating seventy seven years of my life. Have you any idea how hard it is to live through the 20th century and the Holocaust? The places I've escaped from. Still... just in time to watch you all pay."
"What's the fucking hell is this machine?" Yells Ryan, "Conversion and transmission. We're transmitting Kasaavin energy around the world all at once into every device, hitting every human being and erasing all their DNA simultaneously." Energy from the screen takes hold of Bojack, "FUCKING HELL BOJACK, ITS GOT YOU", "I can't let go of it!", "First him. Then you" smiles the Master, The Fake News Machine suddenly stops spinning..
"Don't do this." pleades the mAdster.
The power in the Audiroum goes off, including the phones. Zuckerberg panics and leaves the stage rapidly, talking into his phone.
The Doctor walks in, followed by Jordan Peterson and Professor Dinkles, "I think that might have been me" he smirks smugly in the Masters face.
Meanwhile the girl is freed from her phone. "Fuck, the fucking Internet isn't working" she shouts, "Everything's gone out, no mobile, no wifi" says her mom, "Not even Netflix", "Nothing", "What do we do?", "I guess we'll have to have… a conversation", her child looks dumbforunded "WHATT?"
"Built a fail-safe into that machine. Planted a virus. If it ever detected the massing of fake news, like Joe Biden winning the election, within its systems - total shutdown." The Kasaavin return via the machine.
"You're going to have to explain yourself to them, Doctor." says the Masrer menacingly, "Am I really" the Doctor smiles, sonicing with his Sonic screwdriver.
"Zuck and these creatures do the dirty work, and once they're done, I get rid of them, having destroyed your precious human race in the process. Win-win-win." says the mastero on the recording.
"Oh" says the master in respnase, "That's your name. Don't wear it out. That's the trouble with modern technology. You never know when you're being spied upon." laughs Bojack. "Don't... don't listen to him." Cries the Master.
The Kasaavin envelope the Master whilst saying his name.
The Master screams trapped in the Alien Realm.
Suddenly Mark Zuckerberg walks into the room, so the Doctor karate chops him like the Third Doctor, and rips off his head". "Mate.. how did you know he was a robot" asks Ryan in shock, "I didn't" says Bowlestrek. "Raz, there you go, New Body" the Doctor says annoyed, pointing at the headless robot Zuckerberg body.
"Now, you" the Doctor looks at Bojack, "How the fuck did you survive the plane crash", "I don't know" replies Ryan. Silence…
"When did you last go home…", "You should really take a look."
The Doctor resets the coordinates, and heads off through the Vortex to a barren world. Ruined buildings still have smoke rising from them. He opens the door, it's Gallifrey. But it's infested by millennials and zoomers with blue and purple hair, Starbucks cafes and AntiFA flags fly everywhere. The Doctor recoils in horror, and crouches acutely from the horror. His phone beeps. A hologram appears wearing a long dark jacket and checkered trousers. "Geo-activated" says the Master on hologram, "If you're seeing this, you've been to Gallifrey. When I said someone did that, obviously I meant I did. I had to make them pay for what I discovered. They lied to us, the founding fathers of Gallifrey. Everything we were told was a lie. We are not who we think, you or I. The whole existence of our species built on the lie of the Timeless Child." "It's not true.. there is no Timeless Child, that's just a SJW myth! it's impossible!" The Doctor cries.