Let's Build Bridges (And Perhaps not Burn them while we are at it?)
A/N: Hi all my lovely readers who are still willing to be on this journey with me. A couple of things before I let you read away, I hate these extended posting times because I as a reader know how much I want to binge through a story and I as a reader understand how frustrating the waiting period is (here is me hoping that people are actually enjoying my story that much to be frustrated with waiting for the next chapter hahaha). But either way I just wanted to apologise for any frustration caused. I know every reader is kind and gracious so you will all be understanding and I hope you are not deterred from coming back for more because believe me, I am finishing this tale even if I finish it next year (hahaha I sincerely hope that is not the case but at this rate...). Also this chapter was a struggle to write. I knew where I wanted it to end but getting there was difficult. So I will understand if perhaps it doesn't unfold as expected. All I can say is I finally got some time to wrap up the chapter and just kinda went for it so that I could move on with the rest of the story. Anyway thank you for continuing to read!
Blurb: Things between Darcy and Elizabeth come to a head.
Track Recommendation(s): "I've Seen Hell" - Martin Phipps (North and South)
"The Enemy" - Mumford & Sons (Wuthering Heights)
To say that the return to the status quo was not easy for Elizabeth and the children would be an understatement. Having become accustomed to setting the pace of her day, Elizabeth had to readjust to the monotonous routine of Darcy's schedule which now seemed even more restrictive when it came to allowing the children time for leisure. However, the advantage of maturity allowed her to withstand any grievances she had with her Master.
The same could not be said for Archie and Rosie. The mood in the day nursery could only be described as mournful. Where previously Rosie had compensated for Archie's struggle when it came to focusing on his studies, she now was just as disinterested as her brother. Most of the time Elizabeth would end up answering her own questions as brother and sister would either be doodling or staring longingly out of the window at the lush grounds and blue sky which had become even more inviting as the summer months reached their peak. Elizabeth tried not to place the blame on herself for exposing them to an alternative routine.
True to his word, Darcy would randomly attend the children's lessons to observe or glare as Elizabeth liked to describe his neverending, emotionless staring. Darcy would hover in the background, hardly saying a word except in greeting or farewell. Though Elizabeth understood that the randomness was meant as a tactic to catch her unawareness, she was always prepared. As if they had had a discussion with Elizabeth on how to behave when their father was observing, the children seemed to engage better in lessons where he was present. They would become model students and Elizabeth appreciated that in their own small way they were protecting her.
The frequency of his visits to the nursery and the increase in meetings meant Elizabeth was in Darcy's company, albeit for a short time, nearly everyday. The rare moments of levity came when Georgiana or Lady Sybil visited to listen to the children practise their music or, as in Georgiana's case, join in. It helped that they chose opportune moments when Darcy either would have just left or was due to arrive so that Elizabeth was in a far better mood when she faced him. Elizabeth wondered if Lady Sybil had instructed the footmen to alert her when Darcy was about to make his way to the nursery. It certainly was something that Lady Sybil would do. Elizabeth was still not certain why Lady Sybil seemed to have taken a great interest in seemingly helping her when it came to her nephew but whatever she was doing was working as Darcy, despite his insufferable need to control every aspect of her lessons, had certainly not been acting as Elizabeth expected.
After the catastrophe of Darcy's return, Elizabeth had expected Darcy to be more openly hostile towards her than he had been but to her surprise even though he was not any more cordial than he had been, he certainly had not turned into the walking nightmare that Elizabeth expected. It was enough that she had had one too many dreams where Darcy, while berating her for her transgressions, had turned into one of the creatures vividly described in one of the many novels she had read of late.
The children and Elizabeth had even been invited to exhibit every night before bed and an invitation was always extended for Elizabeth to join the party. Elizabeth always refused of course knowing that the generosity of Lady Sybil did not extend to her nephew but it was curious that Darcy did not seem to take offence at Lady Sybil asking her to stay. Perhaps he knew that she would refuse regardless.
One night Elizabeth was tempted to say yes just to see his reaction. If she timed it perfectly she would say it just at the moment when he was taking a sip of his wine.
Elizabeth could not help chuckling a little at the image of Darcy splattering and choking on his wine from the shock of her answer. It would serve him right, Elizabeth thought and was surprised at the darkness of her thoughts. Was he that much of a thorn in her side?
"A penny for your thoughts?" asked Lady Sybil who was visiting Elizabeth and the children as had become the routine. Elizabeth was seated at the piano with Archie who was learning a new piece.
"I am just impressed at the way young Master Archie is progressing," said Elizabeth, giving Archie a wide, proud smile that was reciprocated by her pupil.
Lady Sybil was not deterred and her comment showed that she had an inkling of where, or rather who, Elizabeth's thoughts had been focused on. "I hope my nephew is behaving himself."
"I am still here so that must count for something," said Elizabeth, not wanting to directly acknowledge Lady Sybil's statement. Had she not been a subordinate she would have some choice words about how Darcy was behaving.
Lady Sybil smiled once again picking up on Elizabeth's aversion. "I suppose it does but I am certain you will find some common ground. I always say compromise is key, which can only be helped by being civil," said Lady Sybil.
Elizabeth merely shook her head and returned her attention to Archie. She demonstrated a few notes that he was struggling with and after Archie resumed practising she turned back to Lady Sybil and said, "I do not think Mr Darcy knows the meaning of the word compromise."
Lady Sybil laughed and said, "You are correct. He is like any gentleman, spoiled and accustomed to getting his way. However, if the right method of persuasion is used he can certainly budge."
As Elizabeth had tried and failed to persuade Darcy to adopt some of her ideas she did not see what other methods Lady Sybil could mean. Sensing Elizabeth's questions, Lady Sybil continued.
"When my Edward was still alive, I always found that catching him in a good mood helped when I wanted to get my way," said Lady Sybil.
"Is Mr Darcy ever in a good mood?" asked Elizabeth. Lady Sybil laughed once again noting how Elizabeth had a point. "Besides, Lord Strafford was your husband. His judgement was already biased in your favour and you were equals of sorts," said Elizabeth.
"That is true, but something tells me you will find a way," said Lady Sybil, undeterred. As she departed, she turned back to Elizabeth and said, "Did you know my nephew is very fond of gardening? He is always in the greenhouse whenever he can find time away from all his other duties. I think it helps to relax him and there is nothing better than to talk to someone when they are relaxed."
Elizabeth knew that were it anyone else, Darcy might welcome an intrusion into his seemingly private space. She shelved the suggestion knowing that Lady Sybil, though not characteristic of a lady of her standing, seemed to have Elizabeth's best interests at heart.
Elizabeth's attempts to avoid staying in the drawing room after the children's exhibition were thwarted one night, a week into the guests' stay when Charlotte and her husband, Mr Milford were invited by Darcy to join the party for an evening meal.
As it was a Sunday, the Darcys and their guests had that morning attended the service which had seen Mr Bingley being particularly impressed by Mr Milford's sermon and seeing that his friend was interested to continue his discussions with Mr Milford, Darcy had invited Mr Milford and Charlotte to dine at Pemberley.
"Mr Bingley certainly seems like a good influence on Darcy," said Charlotte when her husband had told her the news just before Elizabeth departed for home. With the guests staying at Pemberley she was not able to take her usual half day off. "We have been invited to dine at Pemberley on a couple of occasions but that was for tea or lunch, never a dinner." Charlotte seemed impressed, not at the prospect of dining at Pemberley but at Darcy's incongruous behaviour.
"Well now you have been bestowed a great honour," said Elizabeth, failing to suppress her laugh. Knowing her Master the dinner would only be redeemed by the quality of the food for their cook, Mrs Price was exceptional in that department. "If only Bingley was here to stay," sighed Elizabeth dramatically eliciting a chuckle from Charlotte who was well aware of Elizabeth and Darcy's contentious relationship.
"So no change on that front?" asked Charlotte.
Elizabeth's look said it all. "Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. After all there are plenty of employers seeking the services of governess and young as I may be I think I am worth my weight in gold!" Elizabeth paused letting the frustration wash over her. "But then I look at those children and every reason for leaving suddenly pales to my desire to just see them lavished with all the attention and love one can give. Something that their father fails to understand." Elizabeth cast a dark look in the direction where Darcy was standing with Bingley.
Having known Elizabeth since she was a little girl who was quick to stand up for what she believed was unjust, Charlotte knew that Elizabeth would do nothing less but the best for Darcy's children. Charlotte's only worry was how Darcy's stubbornness would thwart any grand ambitions Elizabeth had.
"Just be careful, Lizzie. Try as you may to change his heart, yours might be hurt in the process," said Charlotte.
"You make it sound like we are entangled in some romance Mrs Milford," said Elizabeth, her eyes shining with amusement.
Charlotte laughed but after a moment continued, "I see the toll it's taking on you that is all."
Elizabeth was shocked at that admission. She had not known that the events at Pemberley were reflected in her manner or expression.
"It's like you are walking on eggshells," said Charlotte. "That is not a way to live even when one is a servant. Promise me that no matter how much you care for those children, you will remove yourself from Pemberley if it all becomes too much?"
Elizabeth observed her friend for a moment and was suddenly grateful that she had Charlotte. At Pemberley she had no friends or at least people to confide in. Georgiana and Lady Sybil were kind to her but beyond the odd quip at his expense, she could not truly divulge to them how Darcy's behaviour was affecting her. She certainly could not tell the servants for that would become gossip not only around Pemberley but even in the villages where the servants frequented to run errands. And comforting as the letters from her family were, especially those from Jane, the length of time between replies often did not give her enough of an outlet. So even though her interactions with Charlotte were mostly limited to Sundays, having someone present and listening made all the difference.
Elizabeth embraced Charlotte in a hug hoping her gratitude would pour through.
"I promise to be careful Charlotte," said Elizabeth, finally pulling away, her eyes slightly watery.
Elizabeth took a moment to collect herself and bid Charlotte farewell. The children are exhibiting and will be excited to know that they have additions to their audience."
"Now I am even more honoured to be invited," said Charlotte waving her friend off.
Later that night, Elizabeth and the children proceeded to the drawing room after they were called. Elizabeth went through the usual motions of setting up Archie on the piano and ensuring Rosie knew the tune to the song she was to sing. This time Elizabeth was assisting Archie with the piece. Georgiana had not been able to practice with Archie as, much to her dislike (though she only ever disclosed that to Elizabeth), she was required to play hostess along with Lady Sybil to Caroline and Mrs Hurst. For the more reserved Darcy sibling, the sisters' affected manners were an adjustment.
"Ready?" Elizabeth asked, looking from Rosie to Archie as her fingers ghosted lightly over the keys waiting for Archie to start playing. Elizabeth had chosen the piece as her part required little involvement which would allow Archie to showcase his talent.
Archie nodded, took a deep breath and started to play. The trio presented a united front and when the song concluded there was once again rapturous applause from most of the guests. Elizabeth registered that although Caroline and Mrs Hurst clapped as enthusiastically as others, their expressions always seemed unimpressed.
Elizabeth's eyes moved to the audience and landed on Darcy who, unbeknownst to her, had been watching her. When the pair briefly made eye contact, Darcy quickly averted his eyes. Ever since the first time the children had performed, Elizabeth would often catch him watching her. No doubt cataloguing all that he finds at fault with me, Elizabeth thought bitterly. As Darcy averted his eyes a smile emerged that was directed towards his children as he moved towards them offering one of the few gestures of love that Elizabeth had seen from him. While Darcy was not as expressive as Bingley when the children performed he certainly looked like he had enjoyed the show. Moments like these confused Elizabeth as she could see how he appreciated the progress the children were making, which was also a reflection of her efforts, and yet to Darcy it never seemed like she was doing the right thing.
She was spared from spiralling with this train of thought when Charlotte approached her in the corner she usually retreated to while waiting for the children to briefly interact with the guests before she took them to bed.
"That was brilliant Lizzie! The way Archie and Rosie transformed. They have really taken to you," said Charlotte. Although Charlotte was technically a guest and Elizabeth was not supposed to be familiar with her while other guests were present, her friendship with Charlotte removed the necessity of some of the formalities Elizabeth maintained with the other guests. Elizabeth though did not doubt that this was not looked upon favourably by Darcy either way. It was only Lady Sybil's presence that led to some of the exceptions Elizabeth was afforded.
"Thank you Charlotte," said Elizabeth. "However, I do not think Mr Darcy will be happy to hear you say the last part. He doesn't want his children to be spoiled by my uncivilised ways." She said the last part with barely controlled laughter trying as much as possible to not be noticed by the dinner party.
"Unfortunate for him because your uncivilised ways are simply brilliant," said Charlotte, failing to suppress her own laughter. "However, is it just me or are Miss Bingley and Mrs Hurst trying a little too hard to show their enjoyment of the children's exhibition?"
Elizabeth looked at the sisters and could only bite her lip in an attempt to not fall into the fit of giggles she could feel threatening to spill. If they had been home in Longbourn, her and Charlotte would not have had an issue with giving in to some of the enjoyment of moments shared between longtime friends. But alas, they were no longer among Longbourn's more free-spirited folk who would be forgiving of such behaviour.
As she observed the sisters Elizabeth noticed that while the other guests, namely Bingley, Colonel Fitzwilliam and Mr Forsythe were actively engaging with the children, the two ladies could not have looked more disinterested. However, when Bingley made a comment that drew Darcy into the conversation, Caroline made it a point to affirm, rather unsuccessfully, whatever Darcy had said.
"Indeed Mr Darcy, it is important to encourage any artistic skill while the children are young," said Caroline, her voice raising a few decibels as if the whole room could not already hear. "Of course rhymes and such can only do so much. Complex pieces will certainly hone Archie's skill and Miss Rosie's voice will be flawless after some simple operas."
There was a moment of silence in which Caroline looked to Darcy for some form of confirmation that was not offered. Caroline was not deterred however as she continued, "You remember my offer to assist where I can while I am here or even after we depart for our country house. My offer still stands to teach them one or two of my favourite pieces."
Caroline's saccharine smile might have fooled some but Elizabeth saw through the insincere concern presented by Caroline. The statement was not only meant to ingratiate herself with Darcy but to diminish Elizabeth's efforts in the same stroke.
Once again there were a few moments of silence before Darcy simply nodded noncommittally and moved along to the wine table which he seemed to frequent whenever the conversation with the guests moved to a topic that did not interest him or seemed to put him in a bind.
"Before Miss Bingley imparts her knowledge of the art of music, why don't the children play us another song to indulge our guests, the Milfords?" said Lady Sybil, once again masterfully handling Caroline and allowing for the evening to move to more enjoyable territory.
The children seemed to take kindly to this proposal as they rushed to resume their previous positions. This time Elizabeth left them to play a piece which only required her to turn the music sheet.
As the trio were exiting the drawing room following another round of rapturous applause and appreciation for the performance, Lady Sybil finally decided to play her hand.
"Miss Bennet I was hoping I could discuss with you for a moment the upcoming picnic and how the children will be involved?"
Elizabeth did not have an opportunity to respond, not only out of surprise, but also due to Lady Sybil not allowing her an opportunity to respond as she quickly added, "It will only be for a moment. Thomas please walk the children to their rooms. Bessie can assist with preparing them for bed."
If the guests thought this odd, no comment was made although Caroline and Mrs Hurst exchanged a look while Darcy stared at his aunt as if the harder he stared the more answers he would receive. While she moved to sit in the chair beside Lady Sybil as directed, Elizabeth did not dare look in Darcy's direction, however, she sought out Charlotte who could only offer an encouraging smile. For her part, Lady Sybil treated the moment as if it were any other interaction they had during her visits to the nursery.
As Elizabeth took her seat, Lady Sybil launched into some explanations and asked questions pertaining to what the children would be interested in doing if they joined the party for a picnic planned for the next day. Among many of the activities the guests were to partake in, the picnic was one of the most anticipated. While all the information was relevant, Elizabeth did not see the necessity of discussing the issue at the present moment. Also she was not looking forward to attending the picnic owing to the disastrous conclusion of the last picnic.
For most of the conversation Elizabeth simply nodded, unable to engage with Lady Sybil as she could feel Darcy's eyes on her. At first she thought it was paranoia as the few times that she spared a glance in his direction he would always be engaged in conversation with one of the gentlemen. However, when there was a break in conversation with Lady Sybil while she consulted Georgiana, Elizabeth looked up and saw Darcy looking at her and this time he did not avert his eyes. Elizabeth could not glean any particular feeling from the way he looked at her. He just simply stared. Elizabeth knew that what Lady Sybil was doing went against everything Darcy believed in when it came to matters of propriety but she would not take the blame for a situation she had not orchestrated. Elizabeth struggled with the urge to stick out her tongue in defiance.
As if sensing what Elizabeth was anticipating to do, Darcy narrowed his eyes and feeling emboldened Elizabeth narrowed her own and felt a sense of satisfaction when Darcy's eyes widened in surprise. Elizabeth had to cough as a means to cover the laugh that erupted from her. Considering she was currently not in his good books it was not wise to risk offending Darcy but his reaction made the risk worth it.
"Are you feeling well my dear?" asked Lady Sybil who, along with the rest of the room, was now interested in the cause of Elizabeth's coughing fit. The foot man was called to give Elizabeth a glass of water and Elizabeth used the opportunity to make her exit.
"It was only a tickle in the back of my throat. Perhaps it is also a sign I should retire." Elizabeth cleared her throat and rose from the chair.
Elizabeth knew that the longer she stayed in the room and replayed her brief and yet satisfying interaction with Darcy the more likely she would be to succumb to the fits of laughter that would most certainly lead to a loss of her employment.
Lady Sybil certainly did not seem convinced by Elizabeth's excuse to leave but did not fight the issue. In some ways she looked satisfied but at what, Elizabeth could not guess.
Bidding the party farewell and annoyed that she could not single out Charlotte and part with her as they usually did with a hug, Elizabeth made for the door. But before she exited Elizabeth could not resist turning back to look at Darcy who was looking in her direction. This time his glower told her all she needed to know about his state of mind. And where she might have worried about how he would admonish her during their next meeting, in that particular moment Elizabeth could only smile, satisfied that at least once in the hellish week she had had since his return she had managed to emerge victorious from their tug of war.
That night was not to be the only one where Elizabeth was asked to stay in the drawing room with the guests. Lady Sybil now outrightly invited Elizabeth to stay insisting that it would do her good to be around other people. Though Caroline and Mrs Hurst did not directly comment on this invitation, their looks were enough to let Elizabeth know that she was not welcome.
Another person that could not say it louder enough by their behaviour that she was an intruder was Darcy. Though Elizabeth had seen Darcy a few times for her briefings, he had not mentioned nor addressed the interaction that had left Elizabeth in fits of laughter for the rest of the night. And on subsequent nights, Darcy had not so much as looked in Elizabeth's general direction. She was surprised he had not said anything about Lady Sybil's invitation but she did not ponder on that too much as Elizabeth was also relieved that his inattention meant she could relax and enjoy the evening. Georgiana, Mr Forsythe, Colonel Fitzwilliam and Bingley would always welcome her into the conversation and she appreciated that they did not treat her as anything lesser.
Aside from the opportunity to speak with people other than her charges, Elizabeth enjoyed the opportunity to listen to the music that was always a feature of these evenings as Caroline, Mrs Hurst or Georgiana sang or played and were sometimes even joined by Bingley, Colonel Fitzwillaim or Mr Forsythe. When she would reflect on these moments, Elizabeth knew that she only enjoyed Georgiana's performances for while the Bingley sisters had excellent skill having been trained by the top masters, their propensity to put on airs and graces made their performances rather grating.
It was almost an unwritten rule not to ask Darcy although that did not deter Bingley.
"How about it Darcy? I will sing and you can play for us," said Bingley jovially on one such evening after Georgiana concluded her piece.
Darcy responded drily, "Charles could you be so insensitive as to want to cause great distress to the ladies?"
This drew laughter from the guests, including Mr Hurst who might as well have been part of the furniture for he seldom interacted with anyone.
Elizabeth as always was surprised to see this side of Darcy. Even though he was not as animated as Bingley in his joking, gone was the tension that was ever present when she interacted with him. Gone was the stilted nature of his interactions with his children.
"I prefer to leave this particular skill to the ladies who are more adept than my poor hands will ever be nor my voice for that matter," continued Darcy offering a smile to Georgiana.
"Do not sell yourself short Mr Darcy. You seem like a man who can master anything," said Caroline. Elizabeth saw Lady Sybil roll her eyes.
"I am afraid that in this matter my nephew is one too many years behind," said Lady Sybil with an amused smile directed at Darcy. "He never had as much patience for playing, rather he has always enjoyed listening," at this Lady Sybil looked at Elizabeth. "However where he might lack in ability to play he certainly makes up for in his ability to sing."
There was a murmur among the non-Darcy guests who had never heard Darcy sing nor express an interest in singing.
"Now that is a sight I would love to see. You cannot deny us now Darcy. We must have you sing!" said Bingley, his excitement shining through.
"My aunt is flattering me. It has been many years since I have sung a single note and as I said before Charles it would be very distressing to the ladies," said Darcy.
"Nonsense!" said Bingley "What does it matter if you are a little rough around the edges?"
Darcy only chuckled, shaking his head at his friend's stubbornness.
Elizabeth was curious to know if there was some truth to the fact that Darcy could sing. Although she did not believe Lady Sybil would have a reason to lie.
"Miss Bennet, perhaps you can help me to convince Darcy?" asked Bingley looking eagerly at Elizabeth. Caroline's derisive laughter confirmed how the request was regarded.
For her part, Elizabeth offered a response that did not betray the apprehension she felt at not only having such a request made but also of having Darcy look at her for the first time since their interaction. As usual there was little to no emotion to indicate how he felt but knowing that she would have to respond regardless of how he felt she formulated an apt response. "I am afraid Mr Bingley my skills of persuasion are limited to Master Archie and Miss Rosie. And I do not believe one can be persuaded to do what they do not already feel they want to do."
"Very sensible Miss Bennet, but I shall not relent. We shall have you singing old friend," said Bingley declaring it as if it was law. "But for now why don't we have more music. Perhaps from you Miss Bennet?"
This time Elizabeth could not make a more dignified response except, "Me?" Though she had anticipated this eventuality, especially as Bingley regarded her as an equal and not a servant, she had hoped that he would have more sense. Before she or Bingley could say more Caroline decided that she had been sidelined for too long.
"Why not you Miss Bennet?", the question was posited so sweetly one could be mistaken to believe that Caroline cared about whether Elizabeth believed herself worthy or not of playing. "You clearly have some skill with the piano. And with the marvellous way that Rosie sings you must have some proficiency when it comes to singing. I for one would certainly be delighted to have you play for us," said Caroline, looking at Elizabeth over the rim of her teacup. The telltale signs of a smirk were visible when she set her cup down.
Elizabeth hoped her face did not betray her annoyance but knowing that she had to respond lest she appear like she was capitulating to Caroline's goading she said, "I would be honoured but on this occasion I shall have to disappoint you. I do not believe my skills are anything to rave about. Certainly not in comparison to Miss Darcy."
"No one can compare to Georgiana," said Caroline, flashing Georgiana her sweetest smile. Georgiana blushed and looked away.
Of course you would use poor Georgiana as a pawn in this one-sided competition of yours! thought Elizabeth.
Caroline continued "But do not be modest Miss Bennet," at this she turned to Darcy "Mr Darcy did you not say you found Miss Bennet playing when you first met?," she turned back to face Elizabeth, "Surely you must have considerable talent to have showcased it upon arrival, without invitation." Caroline did not conceal her smirk this time.
Elizabeth did not understand why she was surprised at Caroline and other guests knowing this detail. It was not as if what she had done was a secret and Darcy was far from being a friend to her that he could have been considerate enough to not reveal one of her most humiliating moments especially after the picnic debacle. But somehow, a small part of Elizabeth felt disappointed that to Darcy she indeed was a mockery to be used as the brunt of jokes during meals with his guests.
Darcy on his part pretended as if he was not privy to the exchange although he was staring at the contents of his wine glass intently with a distinct tick in his jaw. Was it directed at Miss Bingley or herself for having once again been made the centre of attention?
Elizabeth was rescued from any retort by Lady Sybil who, clutching Elizabeth's hands in a comforting and encouraging gesture, said, "I for one would love to hear you play the piece I heard you practicing earlier today. Why don't you indulge me?"
"I can turn the music for you Miss Bennet if you will allow me?" said Georgiana.
Where she might have normally hesitated, Elizabeth could only agree to the requests of the two Darcy ladies if not for the fact that they had shown solidarity that, given her position as a subordinate, was not warranted.
"Would you like to make it a duet?" Elizabeth offered Georgiana feeling unnerved even though she knew her skill at the piano matched that of Caroline.
"I think the guests would love to hear you Miss Bennet and besides I have had enough of playing for tonight" said Georgiana.
Elizabeth found the piece she wanted to play. Complex and with very intricate notes for her minimally trained voice, Elizabeth had only decided to tackle the piece as an outlet for some of her frustrations of late. She had not planned to play it for any audience, especially not one filled with those who disliked her. But play, she had to and if there was one thing Elizabeth excelled at, it was meeting a challenge with confidence.
Sweeping an eye around the room, and making sure to avoid Darcy and give Caroline an even sweeter smile than Caroline herself had given, Elizabeth played.
The humiliation, frustration, anger and disappointment she had felt in the space of this night and previously poured out. So lost did she become in the piece that after the final note and the first signs of clapping Elizabeth had to shake her head as if waking up from a trance.
"Miss Bennet, that was simply brilliant!" said Georgiana beaming with joy.
"You have been holding out on us Miss Bennet!" said Bingley while clapping enthusiastically from where he stood.
"What a brilliant performance," said Colonel Fitzwilliam.
A mixture of "Marvelous," "Simply exquisite" and "Brava!" were also expressed by all save for the Bingley sisters. Elizabeth did not try to discern Darcy's reaction, while he had clapped along with everyone else, his face was a mask of indifference.
Aside from the thrill of having her talents recognised among the company of people who were not meant to even give her the time of day, what truly made the night for Elizabeth was Caroline's pink face which spoke volumes about how she had thoroughly underestimated Elizabeth. Once again the night ended with Elizabeth feeling that the tide was finally turning in her favour.
Upon returning to her room Elizabeth penned a letter to Jane eager to share the events of the night and the last few days since she had first stayed back in the drawing room. Though she would have appreciated to see Jane's reaction, imagining it would have to suffice. No doubt her sister would find a way to rationalise Darcy and the Bingley sisters' behaviour. It was against Jane's nature to judge, especially when she did not know the person. Elizabeth still hoped Jane's response would provide some comfort.
A suitable substitute for Jane was Charlotte who delighted in hearing about Caroline's failed attempt to humiliate Elizabeth. The two were strolling through one of the gardens where the Darcys and their guests were having a picnic. Although Elizabeth had dreaded attending, the presence of Charlotte had calmed her nerves. The Milfords along with a couple of the prominent families had been invited to the event.
"I am uncertain as to why she feels the need to torment me. If she is so desperate for Darcy's attention why bother me? Why not try to ingratiate herself to Lady Sybil or Georgiana who seem to want nothing to do with her?" said Elizabeth as she walked with Charlotte along one of the paths that took them away from the guests lest they be overheard.
"There you have your answer," said Charlotte and at Elizabeth's furrowed brow Charlotte elaborated. "She sees you as a threat." When Elizabeth laughed at the ludicrousness of such a prospect Charlotte said, "Believe it or not but that is how Caroline sees it. Yes, you and Darcy are not cordial with each other but you are in control of the key to Darcy's heart."
"Well don't keep us in suspense Mrs Milford," said Elizabeth still struggling to comprehend how Caroline could possibly view her as threatening especially when it came to Darcy.
Charlotte chuckled, "The twins!" as if she was stating the obvious. "I know you say that Darcy's relationship with his children is not the best but he still loves them and while you don't control them as such, you have become something of a mother figure to them. And considering Caroline has her eyes set on becoming the new Mrs Darcy, she probably feels that you are impeding on her chances by being so close to the children."
"Mrs Milford aren't you observant," said Elizabeth, impressed at the points Charlotte had raised even though she did not agree with everything.
"That is my superpower," said Charlotte. "Of course it would help if you both were not of relative age."
"Even if I were old and haggard, she would still dislike me," said Elizabeth. "Regardless, her actions towards the children have not helped. She treats them like little toys to be played with and set aside. If she is to assume the role of their mother, she would have them shipped off to school far far away. I dread the fate of those children if Darcy and her form a union. One indifferent parent is manageable but two!"
"Let us hope that marriage will improve her," said Charlotte not so convincingly.
Elizabeth scoffed knowing that the Caroline they had all had the misfortune of meeting was possibly the best version of her that they would get.
Though Elizabeth had been apprehensive at the prospect of a picnic, it had not unfolded into the nightmare she had imagined. It had even ended in the announcement that to farewell the guests who would be leaving in a few days, the Darcys would host a dinner party.
"And for entertainment we shall have music! I certainly am looking forward to hearing Miss Bennet play," said Bingley after the announcement from Lady Sybil.
Elizabeth had managed to avoid a further display by either feigning tiredness or retiring before she could be called on to perform. The chances of doing that at the dinner party would be slim, her only opportunity would be if she could escape with the children after they made an appearance. After all they would not be required to stay up all night.
"What an impression you have made on my brother Miss Bennet," said Caroline. With Elizabeth's proximity to Caroline the comment had been made so only Elizabeth and Charlotte could hear.
Elizabeth did not rise to the bait.
While preparations for the dinner party were underway, Elizabeth continued to teach the children following Darcy's strict curriculum. The children had somewhat settled into their new normal and although not enthused by how lessons were conducted, Archie and Rosie were model students.
One afternoon on her scheduled visit to Darcy's study, Elizabeth happened upon a conversation between him and Georgiana. The door to his study had been left a fraction open and though Elizabeth had not meant to eavesdrop, the tone of Darcy's voice had stopped her midair from knocking on the door to announce her presence.
"They have started again," said Darcy. He sounded resigned, dejected, nothing like the coldness he projected towards her.
"Oh brother," said Georgiana. There was pause and shuffling of feet and Elizabeth imagined that Georgiana had moved closer to Darcy, perhaps to offer some comfort.
"I am sorry sister, I did not mean to worry you," said Darcy, sounding regretful. "They are only dreams after all."
"But as your sister, it is my job to worry about you." There was another pause, "I do not understand. What started them again?"
Darcy did not seem to respond or if he had spoken it had spoken too low for Elizabeth to hear.
"It is almost always the same," said Darcy. Is he crying? Elizabeth wondered as his voice sounded wracked with emotion.
Elizabeth's curiosity as to the nature of his dreams was piqued. She leaned forward hoping to hear better but was interrupted when Mr Thorpe's voice emerged from further down the hallway as he made his way towards the study.
"Miss Bennet!" said Mr Thorpe looking genuinely pleased to see her. It had been a while since they had interacted but this was an inopportune time for Elizabeth not only because she wanted to hear what dreams had Darcy undone but also because Mr Thorpe's voice alerted Darcy and Georgiana to Elizabeth's presence.
While Elizabeth tried to school her features to look innocent, when Darcy opened the door she knew that he knew that she had been listening. Livid was not an adequate description for how he looked. Why does this always happen to me? Elizabeth lamented.
"How long have you been there?" asked Darcy harshly. Mr Thorpe seemed taken aback at the way Darcy greeted her for he did not address Mr Thorpe even though he had seen the gentleman.
"I only just got here, I was about to knock but-"
"But you thought it appropriate to first listen in on people's private conversation?" He was not shouting but he might as well have been.
"Fitzwilliam, I do not believe she was listening in on anything," said Georgiana trying to defend Elizabeth without incensing Darcy further.
"Georgiana, please stay out of this," said Darcy.
Georgiana did not speak but the look she cast towards her brother expressed her disapproval at his tone and manner.
"Why Miss Bennet do you always feel the need to behave like some uncivilised, ill-mannered-".
What else he could have said was cut off by Lady Sybil who once again came to Elizabeth's rescue or had she rescued Darcy for whatever he would have said had Elizabeth on the verge of giving him a piece of her mind.
Uncivilised? Ill-mannered? Elizabeth clutched tighter at the books in her hands to stop from shaking.
"You all are just the people I have been seeking out," said Lady Sybil pretending as if she had not happened upon a most interesting scene. "Mr Thorpe, your wife will be in attendance tomorrow, correct?"
Mr Thorpe did not seem to have recovered from what had just transpired and simply nodded.
"Lovely," said Lady Sybil. "Georgiana and Elizabeth I require your assistance with the final dinner settings. Nephew, you don't mind if I relieve them from you?" Lady Sybil did not wait for his response before prompting Elizabeth and Georgiana to follow.
The rest of the day was a blur as Elizabeth was forced to once again ponder her misfortunes when it came to Darcy. Darcy's previous warning that this was her last chance made this transgression more stark as she effectively could be leaving. It was only Lady Sybil's perfect timing that had bought her a little more time at Pemberley. She was relieved Lady Sybil had not said anything beyond a "Do not pay him any mind Miss Bennet." But Elizabeth knew Lady Sybil had asked for more details from Georgiana. What Lady Sybil made of her behaviour she did not care to know.
Nervous as she felt for what decision Darcy would make, one thing she refused to do was feel guilty for listening in. If she had then she would be forced to acknowledge the stormy blue of Darcy's eyes as he had looked at her. It confirmed Elizabeth's suspicions that he had been on the verge of tears. Whatever dreams he had been having they certainly had a hold on him and were he anyone else she would have wished him well but Elizabeth could not bring herself to be concerned beyond a passing curiosity as to the nature of his dreams.
Maybe if you smiled more you could enjoy a goodnight's sleep, Elizabeth mused.
Her own sleep that night was interrupted by nightmares of being cast out of Pemberley that when she woke up on the morning of the dinner party she could barely muster the energy to leave her room.
But duty called and Elizabeth went through the motions that day teaching the children, preparing them for dinner and then accompanying them to see the guests as required. Unlike previous evenings, Lady Sybil had specifically instructed Elizabeth to stay for the rest of the party.
When Elizabeth and the children entered the small ballroom she was struck by the image of Darcy in his dinner attire. Loathe as she was to admit it he cut a dashing figure. Elizabeth resolved to avoid looking in his direction lest it diminish her annoyance. She would not give in to her baser instincts just because he looked good in a tailcoat.
Moving further into the room Elizabeth tried her best to look confident. Among the finery of the female guests' gowns and jewellery, including Charlotte who was almost unrecognisable in her blue gown, the simple grey dress Elizabeth wore was a stark reminder of her status in society. When Elizabeth and the children had entered the drawing room Caroline had made it a point to be heard laughing and although Elizabeth had not heard the source of her amusement, she knew by the look Caroline directed her way it was due to her attire.
For most of the night after the children departed, Elizabeth sat mostly alone in the corner simply observing the guests who were either engaged in conversation or dancing. Colonel Fitzwilliam and Bingley had attempted to entice her to dance but Elizabeth had refused feigning tiredness.
Charlotte was also engaged by the additional female guests and was limited in her interactions with Elizabeth. Elizabeth was not affected by this as her mind was still preoccupied by what would happen the following day once the guests departed. Would this be her last night at Pemberley? Did she care if she was relieved of her duties? What would the children say?
She was lost in the moment and was brought to by Charlotte clasping her shoulder to draw her attention.
"Elizabeth?" said Charlotte looking concerned. "Are you feeling unwell?"
Elizabeth wished she could reveal her thoughts but the setting was not appropriate. She risked drawing unwanted attention. Her thoughts needed the privacy of Charlotte's cottage although her chances of being kept on until she could next visit Charlotte were uncertain.
"I am well Charlotte although I could do with a drink," said Elizabeth trying to reassure her friend.
"I will get the footman to bring you a glass," said Charlotte looking around for one of the footmen who milled around the room providing refreshments.
"Thank you Charlotte but I shall fetch a glass for myself. I could do with some fresh air as well. Perhaps you can join me on the balcony?" said Elizabeth.
The pair proceeded to the adjoining dining room where additional refreshments were set up. As they proceeded to the balcony they had voices and as one of the voices sounded like Darcy, Elizabeth was struck by the desire to flee, remembering her previous encounter with overhearing one of his private conversations. However, Charlotte held her back. After a moment trying to reason with Charlotte to retreat back into the ballroom, Elizabeth understood why Charlotte was interested in the conversation.
Darcy, Colonel Fitzwilliam and Bingley could be heard arguing and not in the usual manner where Bingley teased Darcy and more so the subject of their argument seemed to be Elizabeth.
"Listen to yourself man! She is an asset to Pemberley. How could you consider terminating her employment?" Bingley could be heard saying.
"Truly Fitz, could she be that bad?" Colonel Fitzwilliam chimed in.
"Charles, Cousin, you have both only known her for less than a month. That woman is a nightmare!"
"What because you caught her at the door of your study? You don't even know whether she was listening in or not." Elizabeth had never heard Bingley speak so passionately. He was always enthusiastic but not passionate.
"She most certainly was listening! The look on her face said it all." Darcy went quiet for a moment. "And that is not the only reason. She insists on defying every single one of my orders and not to mention the way she is influencing Archie and Rosie -".
"But are they not happy?," said the Colonel. "Or do you refuse to admit that too, simply because you have coloured Miss Bennet to be your enemy?"
"I haven't refused to admit anything!" countered Darcy. "My children are impressionable and they do not have the judgement to discern what is and is not good for them. Happiness has nothing to do with it." There was a pause in which only the whistle of the wind could be heard
"So there is no convincing you to change your mind?" said Bingley eventually.
"Thorpe is already making enquiries for a replacement. Miss Bennet will have a week, two at most."
Elizabeth did not need to hear more. With Charlotte at her heel, she rushed out of the dining room. Charlotte did her best to offer words of comfort, encouragement and even anger towards Darcy but it was all lost on Elizabeth whose ears seemed to be ringing.
She was not even aware of the journey to her room but once she was outside her door she quickly turned to Charlotte and said "Please Charlotte, I would very much like to be alone."
Charlotte looked like she wanted to argue but decided against it when Elizabeth all but whispered please with barely contained tears.
"I will visit tomorrow," said Charlotte.
Elizabeth merely nodded and proceeded into her room.
Looking at the space she had come to consider a sanctuary she felt more alone than she had ever felt during her time at Pemberley.
So this is it?, she thought and could not help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. What have I done to deserve such an employer?
She knew that crying or being angry would do little to change the fact that tomorrow Darcy would be calling her to his study to tell her to pack her bags and leave. The week or two would make no difference.
Elizabeth must have circled her room a few times before she found herself, once again without any recollection as to how she made the journey, situated in front of the little desk where many letters had been penned to her sister and family.
She looked at the simply array of belongings she had placed on the desk including a frame of her family painted a decade back and reproduced to fit a smaller frame, a paperweight that Mary had surprisingly gifted her before she departed for her first job, the copy of Gulliver's Travels her father had gifted her (with the condition that she return it) and the drawings of flowers done by Rosie & Archie during one of their many lessons outside.
This little life she had created was truly coming to an end and it could not have been in a more unspectacular way. What could she do now considering references defined a governess' prospects of employment? Surely no employer would want a governess cast out by such a prominent family and for reasons that included snooping around.
It didn't matter that she had given everything to ensure Archie and Rosie had the best experience. It didn't matter that she had to bear and grin and pretend as if Darcy's stubbornness was not detrimental to his children. It all did not matter as the very man she tried her best to work around was willing to cast her out without a second thought.
Elizabeth's hand closed around the back of the chair and she said a silent prayer, willing herself to rein in her emotions. With renewed resolve she penned what she hoped would be the final two letters she wrote at Pemberley. One was addressed to Archie and Rosie and the other was addressed to their father. The former would most likely never be read to the children but with the latter, Elizabeth would ensure it personally reached Darcy.
As she once again had only had a minimum amount of sleep Elizabeth rose early the next morning and took a walk along the grounds. It helped take her mind off what she was about to do. She said a silent farewell as she made her way through the gardens with no particular destination in mind.
The letter in her pocket though weighed heavily on her conscience. She had rewritten it more times than she could count until she finally settled on the simplest words she had ever put to paper.
Spotting the greenhouse Elizabeth made her way to what Lady Sybil had described as Darcy's sanctuary. Elizabeth had never seen Darcy in the greenhouse considering she frequented the grounds regularly. It did not matter now whether he tended to the greenhouse or not for soon she would not be concerned with his actions.
She knew she would miss the sight the greenhouse made with its vast array of seedlings that the gardeners maintained to plant in the appropriate season. For a private greenhouse, it was quite impressive and rivalled some of the publicly commissioned botanical gardens she had visited while in France.
"Miss Bennet?" said Darcy, startling Elizabeth. In her surprise she bumped into one of the tables tipping over a pot. Her reflexes were fast enough to catch the pot before it hit the ground although it left her in an awkward position and with some dirt on her dress.
Just perfect, she thought once again marvelling at how the universe seemed to conspire against her. She resumed a standing position and returned the pot to its place. She grabbed a nearby cloth and began wiping her hands and the front of her clothes although she used this as more of a distraction to not have to face the man who had consumed her thoughts.
She had not anticipated meeting Darcy so soon. Ideally she had wanted to request to see him in his study after the guests departed. But as with most things in her life at the moment, things did not eventuate as planned.
"I shall leave you to it," said Elizabeth at the same time as Darcy said, "Apologies I did not mean to startle you".
"No you do not have to leave," said Darcy at the same time that Elizabeth exclaimed, "You did not startle me".
The pair paused and seeming to not have anything better to do, they chuckled, unable to help themselves. So foreign was it to see Darcy express an emotion in her regard other than disappointment or anger that Elizabeth had to savour the moment until Darcy reminded her of the reason why she was here.
"You could not sleep as well?" said Darcy.
Elizabeth schooled her features and choosing to not address his question she reached into her pocket and produced the letter.
"What is this?" asked Darcy, hesitating to take the letter.
"Please just read it," said Elizabeth, not willing to engage in further conversation until Darcy knew its contents. In her planning she had hoped to have a few more words to say
Darcy unfolded the letter and took a moment to read, his features showing confusion
"This is a letter of resignation," said Darcy.
Elizabeth rolled her eyes. Now was not the time for him to be acting obtuse. Shouldn't you be rejoicing that I have saved you the trouble? she thought.
"What would give you reason to resign?" continued Darcy setting the letter aside and removing his gloves. It was only then Elizabeth noticed his attire. Gone was the tailcoat, replaced with a simple shirt and vest with practical boots designed for outdoor activity. The way his hair was uncharacteristically matted to his forehead also indicated he had been working for a while
"Seriously sir? Is this much of a surprise?" said Elizabeth, her patience wearing thin.
"What is that supposed to mean?" asked Darcy.
"'Thorpe is already making enquiries for a replacement'," said Elizabeth, parroting his words back at him and going as far as to mimic his voice. Elizabeth knew she was teetering on the edge and unlike previous times when she had managed to use his position as an authority figure to be respectful, this time she was willing to go over the edge for what difference would it make?
Darcy's face contorted with rage and he moved closer to Elizabeth pointing an accusatory finger "Do you make it a habit of listening in on people's conversations?"
Elizabeth straightened her spine and willed herself not to move back, "When the speaker does not do their due diligence to ensure they have privacy then it is not one's fault that they hear things. Especially when the subject matter concerns them." Elizabeth was not sure why she was speaking in third person.
"You insolent girl!" said Darcy now seemingly shaking.
"Be more creative with your insults sir," said Elizabeth, now unable to rationalise. Months of bottled up emotions were finally being allowed to come to the surface. "Are you angry that I overheard your conversation or that I beat you to the punch with my resignation? Were you looking forward to breaking the news to me?"
"Watch yourself Miss Bennet," warned Darcy.
"Watch myself! What could I possibly fear now that I have been dispensed of?" Elizabeth laughed, almost hysterical.
Darcy did not seem to know how to respond as whatever he had planned when it came to her termination he had not anticipated Elizabeth's defiance.
"Tell me sir what exactly is it about me that offended you? Was it me sitting at your piano uninvited, taking the children out for a picnic when I could not possibly have anticipated the turn of the weather, or my alleged eavesdropping? Perhaps it was your aunt inviting me to stay in the drawing, or-".
"That is enough!" shouted Darcy. At that Elizabeth was silent for a moment.
"From the day you set foot in this place it has been nothing but disaster and I have had enough! I do not need to justify my reasons to you. You are nothing but a servant," said Darcy, his tone of disgust cutting through Elizabeth.
If she had been a lesser being she would have given in to his attempts to put her in her place but Elizabeth continued, "And yet even as a servant I know that those children deserve better than what they are getting!"
"What do you know about what my children deserve?" said Darcy. "What, you think spoiling them with games shows that you care?"
"Spoiling them?" If Elizabeth's eyes could administer a poisonous dose they would have as she looked at Darcy. "You think allowing them to enjoy learning is spoiling them? You are so obsessed with having things your way you can barely see what it is they need. I wish you had stayed in London. The weeks you were away were some of the happiest I have ever seen those children be!"
Darcy reeled back, shock at Elizabeth's words written across his face. "Miss, I will remind you that this is my house and I make the rules and whether you like it or not my word is law!"
"And no wonder Georgiana believes she might never marry," said Elizabeth, refusing to back down. She knew that this was now uncharted territory but she did not care or at least she did not fear the consequences as much. "The way you want to control everything!"
"Leave my sister out of this," said Darcy menacingly but Elizabeth was beyond listening.
"If they were my children-".
"But they are not, are they!"
"But I still care for them all the same!" She had wanted to say love but held herself back. Darcy might not express it but she knew he loved his children. Though at that moment it was difficult to rationalise his behaviour.
"And need I remind you that your thoughts and feelings when it comes to my children are insignificant. You were hired to do one job, I did not require you to become their mother."
"You do not need to be a mother to know that those children need to be lavished with attention!" shouted Elizabeth.
"Have you ever asked yourself why I act the way I do?" asked Darcy seemingly lost for what else to say.
"I have tried, I truly have but nothing can justify the way you act. With your friends you are a completely different person but with your own children the coldness, the indifference-".
"It is nice to know that visiting my children, buying them what they want, making sure they have the best education is viewed as cold and indifferent," said Darcy, unbelieving.
"You visit them out of obligation and what you provide is material," said Elizabeth knowing that she was stretching the truth to emphasise her point. "Do you even know what they enjoy doing when they are not following your regimented schedule?"
"Why should I bother guessing, you will tell me anyway," scoffed Darcy, shaking his head.
"I am not the enemy here sir," said Elizabeth frustratedly. "I have sought to understand Archie and Rosie and though it might go against what you believe to be appropriate for their advancement, everything I do, I do for the interests of your children."
"Isn't that funny everything I do, I do for the interests of my children!" shouted Darcy .
Though Elizabeth realised the truth in the statement she countered, "It still doesn't make what you do any better."
"So you know best, is that it? No wonder you had to seek employment. No sane men would want to be saddled with you. He would be driven to madness!" said Darcy.
Elizabeth would not have it and said, "You are quick to cast stones, sir are you not? What of you? If it was not for your money I do not believe any woman would want to be shackled to you. So my sex might as well die old maids than be subjected to one minute in your presence!"
As these words spilled out Darcy advanced on Elizabeth who was forced to lean back further on the table. Over the course of their sparring, Darcy had caged her in.
There was a moment of silence where his blue eyes bore into hers until he said in a harsh whisper, "Remember your place Miss Bennet."
"How could I ever forget when you have always seen it fit to remind me?" said Elizabeth, trying once more to be defiant though this time she did not have the same fire behind her words.
She struggled to take a breath. Darcy had leaned in so close that Elizabeth could feel the warmth of his breath on her cheeks and could smell his distinct scent which was mixed in with the smell of the earth he had been handling.
His eyes momentarily left hers and landed on her lips. Elizabeth was suddenly struck by how close they were. If he leaned in just a fraction their foreheads would touch and just a fraction more their lips. It occurred to Elizabeth that this might be her first kiss.
At that moment Lady Sybil, who had happened upon the tail end of the argument, decided she had seen enough and she stepped further into the greenhouse. "Fitzwilliam," Lady Sybil's voice drew Elizabeth and Darcy's attention away from their heated stare. The brief interlude gave Elizabeth an opportunity to step around Darcy and head for the door on the opposite side of the greenhouse.
Elizabeth ran, once again unaware of her surroundings or how she made the journey to her room. When she entered, her heart was hammering and her breath was coming in quick spurts. Elizabeth walked shakily to her bed, barely managing to sit on the edge. She tried to take a few calming breaths but found the task impossible. Unlike the previous night, it was impossible to hold her emotions at bay. Clutching at her throat she crumbled into a fitful mess of tears. She cried in anger, frustration and utter despair which consumed her.
She cried for the anger she had towards Darcy. She cried for Archie and Rosie who she felt she had let down. She cried for Jane whose hug she so desperately needed. She cried for her own foolishness at believing she could make her own way in the world. She cried until sleep, more welcome than ever before, claimed her.
A/N: This was a struggle so if you enjoyed even a 1/10 of it then thank you. Otherwise see you for chapter 9. No promises as to when it will drop but hopefully the experience of writing it is better than chapter 8. Also I really enjoy reading romance/romantic tension but writing it is something else LOL!