A/N: Thank you for coming back! Funny enough most of this chapter was written way back when I started this story (Can't believe it was 2020). The latter part of the chapter was actually meant to happen during the initial chapters but when I reviewed I realised I was rushing things. Now though it seems okay for Darcy and Elizabeth to be having these thoughts/ conversations. But it still took a lot of back and forth for me to complete it because I recognise a lot of things might be shifting from here on out and I wanted to setup and allow for organic changes, not just doing it to move the story along. And it's interesting sometimes going back to previous chapters for continuity. I realise some mistakes and threads are forgotten (the inner perfectionist in me just shrivels in embarrassment hahaha). But hey, we move and I am grateful for you all coming back. Enjoy!
Chapter summary: Elizabeth starts to see Pemberley, and especially its Master in a new light.
Track: "New World" - The Chamber Orchestra of London (Downton Abbey)
Maybe it was a renewed sense of hope. Maybe it was the anticipation of what was to come. Maybe it was simply the knowledge that her and Darcy would try for a compromise that would benefit the children. But as Elizabeth rose that Sunday, the world was full of possibility.
Ordinarily, as with any shift from the norm, the effects were not immediate.
At the conclusion of their less than usual meeting, Darcy had informed Elizabeth that he would need her to note down the changes she believed needed to be made. He was to then take time to analyse them and see how best to mold the twins' current schedule and curriculum to suit the change. Elizabeth could sense that Darcy was hoping to delay the process but what he did not anticipate was Elizabeth's eagerness, which prompted her the very next day after their lengthy meeting to prepare the notes he had requested. She had personally delivered them to his study, now having familiarised herself with his schedule out of habit. His look, which was a mix of shock at the speediness of Elizabeth's work and the apprehension of what the notes contained, put a smile on Elizabeth's face. For the first time since her first meeting in his study, Elizabeth left feeling elated not drained.
Darcy though had not been one to be outdone and where she had expected him to prolong his review of her notes as his own tactic to delay the process of change, he had visited the nursery the following day asking for further reasoning behind her choices, namely her choice of places to conduct lessons. Prior to submitting her notes, Elizabeth had thrown caution to the wind and listed every possible area she could utilise for lessons. She was not surprised Darcy had questioned some of her choices to conduct lessons by the lake or in the stables. It was unconventional for Darcy's standards even with his willingness to accommodate her suggestions.
However, without rolling her eyes too much, or at least without allowing Darcy to see her rolling her eyes, Elizabeth had proceeded to expand on what she believed were already extensive notes regarding the benefits of allowing his children to enjoy their education in ways that would stimulate them. After she had concluded, with a slight intake of breath, Darcy had looked at her for a while with what Elizabeth could only describe as a questioning look and she in turn had maintained eye contact lest she appear uncertain. Darcy had finally nodded, bid his children goodbye and exited but not before glancing back at her one more time. Elizabeth had let out a breath she had not realised she was holding.
Darcy had not sought her out again, however Elizabeth had received a missive advising they would meet on Sunday after she had returned from her half day off. That had filled Elizabeth with both anticipation for the potential new (and better) order of things and also a bit of dread at the prospect of Darcy once again reverting to his not-so-favourable views about her ideas where it concerned his children. Elizabeth though decided to lean into her optimistic nature despite the familiar anxiety that had come to colour each lead up to an encounter with Darcy.
"A penny for your thoughts?" said Charlotte as she came to stand with Elizabeth around the church grounds.
Elizabeth had been observing Darcy interacting with the other parishioners and took a moment to come back to the present. "Where to begin?" said Elizabeth.
"At the beginning is always good," said Charlotte, drawing a chuckle out of Elizabeth.
Elizabeth sighed and recounted the events of the last few days to Charlotte starting with her encounter with Darcy in the kitchens albeit with some omissions. She did not want to admit it but Elizabeth knew why she had reservations about divulging certain parts of her interactions with Darcy over the previous days. As understanding as Charlotte could be, Elizabeth was not certain how the events of the last few days would reflect on Elizabeth. Like the way Darcy had looked at her that same night with eyes so penetrating she had been rendered motionless until Mrs Reynolds' interruption. And not to mention how his eyes had lingered on her lips and how she was convinced he would have kissed her had it not been for the interruption. And what seemed to be more impossible to explain was the lingering heat Elizabeth could still feel from the contact she had made with his arm.
"Well since our recent meeting, Mr Darcy asked for further explanations about some of my ideas, and I elaborated as patiently as I could," - at this Charlotte raised her brow - "I promise I did!" insisted Elizabeth to which they both descended into giggles at the knowledge that it was not in Elizabeth's nature to always be patient, especially where Darcy was concerned.
"Well regardless of what you believe Mrs Milford, I still elaborated," said Elizabeth as she recovered from her fit of laughter. "He has not made further comments but we are to meet tonight when I return."
"Maybe you can view his silence on the matter as a good thing? Mr Darcy strikes me as a man who speaks his mind if the occasion calls for it," said Charlotte looking at Darcy.
Elizabeth narrowed her eyes, also focusing her attention back on Darcy who somehow managed to look interested and equally uninterested in conversing with one of the parishioners. "He might also have prolonged the meeting time to ensure the dread he surely must know always consumes me when it comes to the prospect of meeting him, wreaks havoc to the point where I am unable to function and then he will truly put me in my place, scold me to smithereens and send me back on my way to Longbourn!"
Elizabeth only became aware of her mild hysterics when she looked at Charlotte's face wearing an amused expression. It was a true measure of Charlotte's character that she did not outright laugh at Elizabeth.
"In conversation with him and even in these notes you provided him, you indicated how this is all for the best interests of his children?" asked Charlotte.
"Yes," said Elizabeth.
"And you have managed to explain the reasoning for all your suggestions?"
"Yes," said Elizabeth.
"Then you have nothing to worry about. It looks like Mr Darcy simply wants to meet to set in motion your new arrangement," said Charlotte.
"That depends on which Darcy I will be dealing with," said Elizabeth with a mixture of dread and disdain for Darcy's unpredictability.
"Give him the benefit of the doubt," said Charlotte with a smile. "For now, let us worry about what She steered Elizabeth towards the direction of the parsonage.
The prospect of spending time with Charlotte before she faced Darcy gave Elizabeth some reprieve from the anxiety threatening to overwhelm her. The tenuous nature of the master and servant relationship with Darcy meant that nothing was guaranteed. For all the hope she carried for this turning point, Elizabeth was also apprehensive about whether there would be any improvements. She could only wait and see.
"Brother!" exclaimed Georgiana.
"Papa!" shouted Rosie.
"I did not know you would be joining us," said Lady Sybil over Rosie's excitement at seeing her father walk into the dining room where Lady Sybil, Georgiana, Archie and Rosie were having a late lunch.
After the service Darcy had seen to some affairs concerning the Estate and knowing that her nephew would most likely work well into the evening, Lady Sybil had asked the servants to prepare a meal for him to take in his study. Though Darcy frequently dined with Lady Sybil and Georgiana during morning and evening meals, he hardly did so for lunch. And very rarely did he dine with his children present.
"The business I was attending to no longer required my attention. I hope I am not intruding on your meal," said Darcy. He smiled at Rosie, who was practically bouncing out of her seat. His smile faltered slightly when he saw the wariness written across Archie's face. It was clear that his father's presence was not a welcome sight.
He was reminded of Elizabeth's statement that his weeks away in London were some of his children's happiest. Though she had retracted the statement, he knew that it was laced with truth. The way his son looked at him was proof enough. Now Archie was resolutely looking at his plate seemingly disinterested in his surroundings.
"How could you ever intrude in your own home?" chuckled Lady Sybil good naturedly. She proceeded to direct one of the servants to set another place, situating him at the head of the table with his children nearest to him.
"Have you forgotten your manners, Archie?" asked Lady Sybil. "I am sure your father would appreciate a greeting." She gave Archie an encouraging smile.
"Let him enjoy his meal, Aunt. After all, we last saw each other only a couple of hours ago," said Darcy, also trying to reassure his son that he had not done anything wrong.
Archie, who had remained silent staring intently at his plate while Rosie relayed to her father what the meal consisted of, now looked at his father again. Even though Archie was a spitting image of Darcy at the same age, at least according to the many portraits his mother had arranged for him, Archie reminded him the most of Anne. And it did not help that he had his mother's eyes.
How could I have let things go for so long, Darcy wondered, suddenly feeling ashamed of ever letting his son feel anything akin to discomfort or fear, around him.
"Regardless, it is good for one to be mindful of their manners," said Lady Sybil.
Darcy only smiled at Archie who had resumed his interest in his plate.
"Is your sister correct, Archie? Does the sauce taste divine?" asked Darcy. Darcy busied himself with pouring the sauce on his meat. He hoped to be giving off an air of casual interest as he could feel his aunt and sister's eyes on him. No doubt curious and apprehensive as to the interaction between father and son. However, he could not avoid the tension of waiting to hear if Archie responded.
"The sauce?"
Darcy exhaled slightly, relieved. "Yes, Rosie said that it makes the whole meal divine." This, Darcy said with a warm smile towards his daughter who was beaming with pride for having made an observation.
Archie stayed silent for a moment longer, "Rosie thinks everything is divine."
Darcy knew his son had not intended for the statement to be funny but he chuckled slightly nonetheless at the nonchalance with which his son had said the statement and the truth in it.
"I do not!" retorted Rosie.
This seemed to grab Archie's interest beyond that of his plate as he countered, "I think it was just now on our way home that you said," - and at this Archie cleared his throat, - "'The weather today is so divine'". He paired the statement with a dramatic sigh.
And at this, Darcy's laugh could not be contained nor could Lady Sybil and Georgiana's laughter. Darcy had sensed their apprehension when he had entered the room and no doubt his aunt and sister may have worried that he would not be receptive to how Rosie and Archie were conducting themselves. He filed that for later, not wanting to cloud this rare moment of levity with his children.
"Papa, you are laughing at me!" said Rosie, crossing her arms dramatically and pouting.
"There now," said Darcy, smiling at his daughter. "I was laughing at what your brother said, not at you."
"But what he said was about me!" said Rosie.
"Archie, did you mean it in a bad way?" asked Darcy to his son who a moment before had joined in with his own chuckles until Rosie had expressed her anger at his joke. Darcy hoped his tone would convey that he was not angry with his son.
"I was only saying it in jest," said Archie, cautiously as if waiting to see how his answer would be received.
"Good," said Darcy, smiling once more at Arche before turning to Rosie. "Your brother knows you think everything is divine and only wants to make you laugh. So how about it, can we get a smile?" said Darcy, reaching across to rub Rosie's cheek. This seemed to win her over as she gave Darcy a slight smile.
"Do you forgive Archie?" asked Darcy
"Okay, I forgive you Archie," said Rosie, resuming eating as if nothing had transpired which had upset her.
"Thanks," said Archie who also resumed eating, although he looked to his father for a brief moment before averting his eyes when Darcy looked at him.
Darcy resisted the urge to ruffle Archie's hair lest it make him uncomfortable. And he also hated that he had to second guess how to interact with his son. Darcy looked at his aunt and sister who wore looks of pride and joy. Georgiana's eyes were rimmed with tears.
He cleared his throat, "So will you both tell me what your favourite thing about Sunday School was today?"
This prompted Rosie to launch into a recount of what she had learnt at Sunday School, and she either confirmed with Archie or asked him to add on.
At the conclusion of the meal, Georgiana had retreated to her room while the children returned to the nursery. Darcy noted how they seemed to be in much better spirits. Or at least Rosie's continued "I am looking forward to more lunches with you Papa", let Darcy know that his presence had been welcomed by one of his children. He was not certain if Archie felt the same, though he had smiled briefly at Darcy before leaving the dining room.
Darcy returned to his study with Lady Sybil in tow.
"Thank you," said Lady Sybil as they entered the room.
"Whatever for Aunt?" said Darcy, taking his usual seat and starting to rifle through the papers on his desk. He knew what his aunt was referring to but did not want to indulge her. He knew his aunt prided herself on having the upper hand in any situation.
"It means a lot to them. Especially to Archie." Lady Sybil continued undeterred.
Darcy looked at her for a moment before resuming his review of his documents though his eyes were slightly unfocused. He had thoroughly enjoyed this afternoon and not having planned how events unfolded over lunch, the reminder that what he had done was the exception not the rule was humbling.
How could I have let things go for so long? The thought could not be held at bay.
Lady Sybil came closer and examined a pile of papers on the corner of the table. Darcy knew what she was observing. He had poured over the same documents more times than he could count and had placed them specifically in that corner as a way to avoid looking over them any further.
"So you are meeting with Miss Bennet tonight?"
"Yes," said Darcy without looking up. He was trying his best to clear the lump that had formed in his throat at the thought of his children having grown accustomed to his rules and regulations that the mere act of sharing a meal with them was seen as extraordinary.
"Well, I will have to wait and hear how the transition goes".
Darcy finally looked up.
"I am departing on Tuesday," added Lady Sybil with a sad smile.
"Already?"
"You have been so busy with the estate and other affairs; I did not have an opportunity to let you know."
Darcy knew "other affairs" meant mostly Elizabeth but he was grateful to his aunt for not being so explicit.
"Well, it would be remiss for me not to say I will miss you. Your presence has been invaluable. In all aspects," said Darcy. Besides her company, he would also miss how she had been a buffer between him and Elizabeth and if anything, he would have appreciated her presence while he navigated this new chapter with Elizabeth.
"I shall not be gone for too long. My daughter-in-law is in need of some guidance when it comes to running the household," said Lady Sybil chuckling at the way her son had in a letter expressed his desperation at receiving Lady Sybil's guidance now that he and his bride were settled at the family estate in Somerset. "However, if she is as smart as she let on during the courtship then I am certain to be relieved of my duties as the new year begins."
"Nevertheless, you shall be greatly missed."
The pair fell into a companionable silence with Lady Sybil perusing the documents while Darcy responded to some correspondence.
"Do try to be nice to Miss Bennet?"
Darcy chuckled. "Aren't I always?"
When his response was met with silence, Darcy looked up to see his aunt looking at him with a raised brow. It sobered the moment.
Darcy sighed and abandoned his work in favour of defending himself to Lady Sybil. "Aunt, I do not seek to be unkind to her but surely you have seen how she has attempted to subvert my authority at every turn. What I need with Miss Bennet is patience not niceness."
"But you understand that you both have the same interest and goal here, correct?"
Darcy only nodded seeing that Lady Sybil had already picked a side and it was not his.
"Good. That is what will influence you to be nice to Miss Bennet." Lady Sybil smiled wryly and stood, replacing the documents in their original position. She paused and looked at Darcy fondly. "You remember your uncle, my dear late husband, was a collector of sorts?"
Darcy nodded, uncertain as to the pivot in conversation.
"Well he always used to say that sometimes it is difficult to see a valuable asset for what it is. Be it a property or an investment in a new business, or a painting. Quite often the value in it is difficult to discern because the asset challenges you. It might bleed you dry at first but it is not until you have allowed yourself to sit back and analyse the cost versus the benefit that you truly understand its value." Lady Sybil paused once more. "Everything of value costs something, but what proves something's true value is how much you can gain from that thing regardless of the cost."
Lady Sybil smiled and moved towards the door leaving Darcy slightly confused as to how this would be relevant to his situation with Elizabeth. He suspected what his aunt was trying to prove regarding Elizabeth's benefit to his children, but Darcy wondered if his aunt's bias towards Elizabeth had led to his aunt over-estimating Elizabeth and her capabilities. He could agree that everything of value cost something but did that mean his sanity, his peace or his ability to exercise his authority in his own home?
His thoughts were interrupted by Lady Sybil's final words as she opened the door. "I think Pemberley has room for more than just a spirited governess." She gave him a small smile and bid him farewell.
Darcy did not ponder too much on Lady Sybil's words. He knew there had been more to her statement but with his mind now occupied with thoughts about his upcoming meeting with Elizabeth he did not spare the time to analyse Lady Sybil's words.
He had gone to great lengths to ensure that Elizabeth's suggestions were within reason. His initial review and subsequent reviews of the new curriculum and schedule had almost given him a headache. Even now when he looked at the documents neatly placed in the corner, Darcy was filled with apprehension at what the new norm would bring. He was not so set in his ways that he would not welcome change but he was always wary of change when it forced his hand.
As the clock on the opposite wall indicated that his meeting with Elizabeth was due soon, Darcy closed his eyes briefly and contemplated what this new compromise would mean for his relationship with his children and his relationship - whatever form of it existed - with Elizabeth.
Elizabeth meanwhile had spent the majority of the afternoon fighting the nerves that threatened to take over at the prospect of meeting with Darcy. Charlotte had been a good host as she had - at the last minute - organised for a few of the ladies in the parish to join them for tea and some games. This had distracted Elizabeth enough that she had been shocked when Mr Milford asked her if she would prefer to be accompanied back to Pemberley in the Milfords' carriage rather than to walk as the sun had already set. Charlotte had given her a parting hug filled with reassurance for what was to come and she had promised another visit in the middle of the week.
Upon her return Elizabeth was directed by Mr Mason to see Darcy in his study. She found the door open and Darcy, as usual, seated behind his desk reading an assortment of papers and ledgers. Even in their adversarial relationship thus far Elizabeth could not help but admire how Darcy had maintained Pemberley's productivity. Though she had not been exposed to the work ethic of many gentlemen beside her father and previous employers, she could recognise that running an estate as extensive as Pemberley was not an easy feat. Her own father struggled to maintain Longbourn and it was a fraction of the size of Pemberley.
Elizabeth knocked slightly to alert Darcy to her presence lest she be found to be invading his privacy. Elizabeth felt she was too close to getting her way to let her pride ruin things. If getting more liberties meant pandering to him, Elizabeth was willing to do so.
Upon seeing Elizabeth, Darcy observed protocol as he always seemed to do, and rose in acknowledgement of her presence. Darcy extended his hand indicating for her to take a seat in the now familiar chair though Elizabeth sat without allowing herself to get too comfortable lest the meeting not unfold as she hoped. If Darcy noticed her odd positioning, he did not make a comment.
"I trust you enjoyed your visit with the Milfords?" asked Darcy.
Elizabeth hoped her face did not betray her surprise at the question. Is this how we are doing this? Trying to play nice? wondered Elizabeth. She shifted slightly in the chair.
"Yes, sir," said Elizabeth. As a natural conversationalist and were she to be engaging in conversation with anyone else, Elizabeth may have emphasised how she had had a wonderful time or elaborated by adding details about the activities she engaged in but this was Darcy and she was only used to having an argument and not a conversation with him.
Darcy though seemed to have been expecting her to say more for there was a beat of silence after Elizabeth had responded. He cleared his throat and unnecessarily shuffled some of the papers on his desk, "You should have sent for the carriage. It might have helped if you had wished to stay longer."
Elizabeth smiled politely. "That is very generous sir. However, I had to take into consideration our meeting and the fact that I have to also rest in preparation for tomorrow's lessons."
"Fair enough, but the offer still stands should you wish in future," said Darcy.
Elizabeth simply nodded and the two fell into a silence that Elizabeth could only describe as awkward.
Cursing herself for feeling the weight of societal obligation to enquire after another's day, Elizabeth asked, "I trust you had an enjoyable afternoon?"
"Yes, I did," said Darcy, hesitating slightly before adding, "I joined the ladies and the children for lunch."
This time, Elizabeth did not hide her surprise. "You joined them?"
"Is the fact so surprising?" said Darcy. He raised his brow in challenge.
"No - No sir," stuttered Elizabeth hoping she had not spoiled any hope of them having a civil discussion. "It is just that…you usually dine alone."
There was a moment of silence as Darcy looked at her and she tried her best to look at him without giving away her apprehension.
She was saved any further thoughts on the subject as Darcy continued with a clearing of the throat. He did not acknowledge the truth in her statement. "Rosie particularly loved the sauce. I believe she paid it the highest compliment and called it 'divine'". Darcy chuckled in remembrance.
Elizabeth let out a sigh of relief. She also chuckled more as a way to relieve the tension than in response to what Darcy had said. She was aware of Rosie's affinity for the word divine but in that moment, simply not having Darcy's mood turn for the worst was more of a relief than any amusement she might find at what Rosie had said.
"Well there is no point in delaying this any longer," continued Darcy as if he had not potentially induced her heart to prematurely stop with anxiety. "Here is the revised curriculum and schedule," said Darcy reaching across the table to some documents placed on the corner. He extended the documents to her.
Elizabeth hesitated conscious of how she was on the precipice of a great change or regression. Darcy may have given her the opportunity to make an input but that did not mean he would change according to her recommendations. He might have just been indulging her to only sit back and laugh at her naivete in even daring to think she could make a difference. Perhaps this was some twisted form of dismissal where the documents would list all her faults since she arrived in Pemberley and how henceforth he had had her on a blacklist. Maybe the documents were a list of all the families he had advised never to hire her.
"Miss Bennet?" said Darcy, bringing Elizabeth to the present.
She shook her head slightly hoping the action would clear her strange train of thought. Not addressing the moment, Elizabeth reached for the documents pulling them towards herself only for Darcy to continue holding on. Elizabeth looked at him questioningly.
He did not have any discernible expression but she could tell he wanted to say something before he seemed to think better of it and let go.
Their eyes were locked for a moment longer until Elizabeth focused on the documents in front of her beginning her anxious review. However, this did not last long and upon rereading the first few lines - for on her first read she had not absorbed anything - she could not help her smile.
Her recommendations largely seemed to be intact with minimal changes that Darcy had made to suit his own requirements.
"I am at liberty to conduct lessons outside?" said Elizabeth, her smile now uncontrollable.
Darcy cleared his throat and only gave a noncommittal grunt.
"And you are willing to let the children explore the greenhouse for botanical lessons?" Elizabeth had only listed that as a non-essential, content with using the gardens. However, she had thought the greenhouse was a better teaching environment for the children to see the plants at different stages of growth.
"And plenty of time for leisure," continued Elizabeth, now beaming. She could not contain her excitement. "Thank you, sir. The children will no doubt be thrilled. And I look forward to engaging with them in such a varied manner."
When Elizabeth had perused enough noting conditions that were typical of Darcy's character in terms of adhering to time, she looked up and found Darcy's eyes trained on her.
She had been on the verge of expressing her gratitude once more but the words died on her lips. Darcy's look was reminiscent of the time in the kitchens. And though she had tried her best over the last few days to forget about that interaction, the way he looked at her now could only lead her to remember all the other feelings elicited by their interaction. The heat emanating from the points of contact with his arm, the way her heart raced to the point of threatening to burst out of her. Even now, separated by a desk and with no contact being made, Elizabeth felt the tendrils of heat warming her body. What is wrong with me? Elizabeth wondered now terrified of how she might look staring at Darcy who only continued to stare back at her.
Thankfully Darcy spoke, breaking the moment. He cleared his throat and leaned forward making sure to maintain eye contact. "Let me make this clear Miss Bennet so that we do not leave this room with any misunderstandings."
Elizabeth inhaled. She was still trying to reconcile the moment that had just passed.
"My acquiescence does not mean you have a free licence to do as you please. As I said to you in our early meetings, I do expect order. The only difference now is I understand that order does not necessarily mean constraining one's desires. Order can take the form of organised chaos as is to be expected with children." Darcy paused. "My children are the greatest gift God has ever bestowed upon me. Their wellbeing is of utmost importance to me. Whatever views you may have held about how I treated my children, know that that perspective is not rooted in truth nor is it the status quo."
Elizabeth finally exhaled and could only nod and say, "Understood, sir." She did not dwell on how her voice had been but a whisper. However, there was no point in protesting, or asserting her own views. Darcy had for the first time in their acquaintance shown her how he truly felt about his children. Where before she had inferred and stringed together a theory, he had made sure she understood that her interest in his children's wellbeing did not trump his. Strange as it was that it had taken so long for him to reach this moment, Elizabeth was reassured that this new chapter would prove to be less combative. Or at least she hoped it would. As long as he did not regress, she would have no reason to challenge him.
"Good," said Darcy unnecessarily. He stood and made for the window staring outside where the last vestiges of daylight could be seen beyond the horizon.
Darcy cleared his throat again. "You know Mrs Milford from your village?"
Unexpected as it was, Elizabeth appreciated the change in subject. "Yes, we grew up together. There was a time when people would think Mrs Milford and her sister Maria, were Bennets much to the vexation of my mother who already felt the burden of having five daughters." Elizabeth chuckled and her lips settled into a fond smile in remembrance. This time the conversationalist in her could not be held at bay especially when it came to speaking about her time in Longbourn and the people connected to it.
Darcy had looked at her over his shoulder while she spoke. He quickly turned back to the window when she looked up but not before Elizabeth spotted the slight upturn of his lips. Elizabeth could only wonder what had caused the rare occurrence of a smile on his normally stern features.
"What do you think of Mr Milford's sermonising?"
"I fear I may be biassed because Mr. Milford is the husband of my dearest friend, but even with that working in his favour I can proudly say I enjoy his sermons." Before she could stop herself, Elizabeth added, "Blessedly he is not an aficionado of a certain clergyman who saw fit to publish his sermons. Otherwise all we would be receiving would be quotes rather than any original thought."
"Come now Miss Bennet, Fordyce is quite riveting. He offered your sex some sage advice after all."
Elizabeth could only stare dumbfoundedly at Darcy's back which remained facing her. It was only when she looked more closely at his reflection in the now darkened window that she saw he was not blessedly serious. He was not laughing but he was certainly not doing a good job at hiding how he found humor at her expense. Though she could not see his features clearly, the crinkles around his eyes showed that Darcy was certainly smiling more than he usually did.
Deciding to play into the moment, instead of being annoyed at Darcy as was mostly the case, Elizabeth dramatically clutched at her chest, letting out a relieved laugh. "For a moment I thought I would have to march out of this room for fear of what I would say if I stayed."
Darcy chuckled, "It would only be a fitting end to our interaction considering our record so far." Darcy now turned around fully to face her and Elizabeth could swear her heart stopped for a moment. For someone who had always criticised Darcy for being stern and mostly void of warmth, she could never have estimated what a true smile from him would look like. She had seen him smile at his children but it was never in this manner. She certainly had not expected it to transform his face giving him the demeanour of a young man unshackled by the burdens of life. She could picture him on his Grand Tour, so often taken by many young gentlemen before they settled into their responsibilities in society. She could picture him travelling from city to city, showing this very smile at the wonders that the world had to offer. Might he also have wooed a young lady or two with such a smile?
Elizabeth looked away abruptly, almost cricking her neck. Watch yourself Elizabeth. But she knew these thoughts; these treacherous thoughts had now been occurring with a regularity that she was not brave enough to acknowledge. Just earlier she had been remembering how he had looked and made her feel during their accidental meeting in the kitchens. And now her mind was leading her astray again. She took a few shallow breaths trying to clear her mind and steady her heart. She could only hope the blush she felt creeping up her neck and chest was not as ferocious as it often presented.
"Are you well Miss Bennet?" asked Darcy. He had now moved much closer to stand by the corner of the table which narrowed the space between them, not helping Elizabeth with her current state of disarray.
"I am-" Elizabeth cleared her throat for her response was more of a croak than any discernible words. "I am perfectly well, thank you." A moment later she quickly added, "Sir," rather unnecessarily.
"Perhaps some water?" asked Darcy. His easy going smile was now replaced with concern and she had to repress the urge to laugh at how he very much needed to be concerned about his servant having inappropriate thoughts about her master.
Elizabeth only nodded and when he turned around to retrieve some water for her from the small cabinet in the corner of his office, Elizabeth continued to take more shallow breaths in a bid to centre herself.
However, soon, Darcy had returned and was extending the glass to her and she in turn began to extend her hand to receive it but, at the last moment, hesitated. There was a moment when both of them stared at the glass with arms suspended, Elizabeth feeling a familiar apprehension while Darcy, who she could not guess what he was thinking, looked to have made a realisation. He quickly set the glass on the desk. It was a good thing he had not filled it to the top for the contents may have spilled with the force he placed it on the desk. Darcy returned to his position behind the desk.
Elizabeth used the distance and him turning his back to shake her hands slightly before she picked up the glass. She was curious what could have occurred to Darcy while he had extended the glass to her. Regardless he had saved her the awkwardness of trying to receive the glass while trying to avoid any contact with him. As he had held the glass out to her, her eyes had narrowed in on his hands clutching the glass. That had led her to remember how it had felt to make contact with his exposed hands when she was treating him for the burn. And she had suddenly doubted the prudence in reaching for the glass if it meant making contact which she was certain would only wreak havoc on her already treacherous thoughts.
Elizabeth gulped the water, not caring how sloppy she might look doing so. Thirst was not her immediate concern but she had never been more grateful for what a cool glass of water could do to the body. She closed her eyes for a moment, exhaling and feeling a bit of relief from the tension of the last few moments.
Though any relief was short lived. When she opened her eyes it was to find Darcy's eyes on her. He had now returned to his seat. He did not betray any expression but just the act of looking at her was unnerving. Elizabeth looked away again and busied herself by walking to the cabinet to return the glass though it was not necessary.
"Thank you," said Elizabeth as she returned and took hold of the documents, more as a way to anchor herself to something than any particular desire to look at the documents.
"You are certain you are well?"
"Yes sir, I am well. It was merely exhaustion getting the best of me," lied Elizabeth. The small crease between his brows told her he did not believe her but he did not question her further.
"I think it is time I took my leave," said Elizabeth. Even though she had lied to reassure him, Elizabeth could now feel the exhaustion compounded by these closing events to the day. She needed to take a moment to reassess and reflect.
"Before you take your leave, may I have a moment more of your time?"
Elizabeth hesitated. She desperately wanted to be in her room or at least as far enough away to clear her mind of the last few moments with Darcy.
"It will only be a moment," said Darcy, with a small smile, seemingly responding to her hesitation.
"Of course," said Elizabeth, now feeling foolish for having dragged the moment.
Darcy looked away for a moment. "I fear I never apologised." His eyes returned to her.
"Apologised?" asked Elizabeth, confused.
Darcy took another moment and added, "I would like to apologise to you for what I have said and the way I have acted during our last few interactions. Maybe even dating back to when we first met." Darcy cleared his throat. "My behaviour was not and has not been acceptable."
"I am sorry?" said Elizabeth. She had heard everything clearly but her mind had not yet comprehended what was occurring.
"It is understandable if you will not accept my apology," continued Darcy, now unable to meet her eye. "I suppose after all that I -".
Darcy was interrupted by Elizabeth's treacherous mouth which opened to let out a light laugh. It took her a moment and Darcy's raised brow to realise she had been the one to laugh. Elizabeth quickly clamped a hand over her mouth to prevent any further laughter leaving her.
"I did not realise there could be humour found in an apology," said Darcy, not sounding the least bit amused.
Was that hurt marring his features? Elizabeth wondered.
"Forgive me, sir," said Elizabeth hastily. She wished for the ability to reverse time and restart this moment, this whole night if possible. "I did not mean to laugh at anything you said."
Darcy did not look convinced.
"Unfortunately, I have a propensity to find humour in the least likely of moments." Elizabeth paused, searching for the right words. How did one acknowledge an apology from a master who had never seemed the type to apologise? She resolved to just let the moment unfold. Darcy had already taken a great, albeit unexpected, stride towards some form of reconciliation which she was on the verge of potentially ruining. This is turning out to be a very strange night indeed, mused Elizabeth.
"You will have to forgive my initial reaction. I heard you perfectly. And I did not think anything you said was amusing. However, I was merely surprised and if I may be frank, I did not expect to receive an apology from you. It was unexpected. It is not every day a subordinate receives an apology from an employer," said Elizabeth, glancing nervously at Darcy.
Darcy remained silent for a few moments until he said, "I see." He stood once more and moved back to face the window, where one could no longer see anything but the reflection of the study. He looked over his shoulder. "Regardless, I apologise and I hope you will be gracious enough to accept my apology."
Elizabeth savoured the moment. It was not a grand apology. Darcy had generalised his transgressions and had she been willing to cause trouble she might have challenged him on this point. However, Elizabeth was tired of always being at odds with the man and took the moment for what it was. A peace offering which she believed he had tried and failed to make in the kitchens a few nights before.
She was still trying to understand what could have influenced him to apologise. She could see Lady Sybil or Georgiana pushing him but Elizabeth doubted that anything they could have said to advocate for her would have swayed him. The alternative though, which was Darcy apologising of his own volition, was too strange to believe. But perhaps he was also tired of their never-ending battle?
Before the silence between them could stretch any longer, Elizabeth spoke. "I accept your apology." She did not look at Darcy to see what these words meant to him. "I also wish to apologise, sir, for my comments about your relationship with your children. They were undeserved and cruel." Elizabeth took a quick breath to centre herself. "As I said before, Archie and Rosie love you very much and they missed you terribly when you were away in London."
Through the reflection in the window, Elizabeth saw Darcy's eyes close. He did not comment but turned back once again to face her. He looked deep in thought.
"There is a 'but' there I sense," said Darcy.
Elizabeth had not intended to say anything more but as the opportunity presented itself and also noting the sense of civility between them, Elizabeth continued. She felt compelled by her duty to the children. And she also saw this as a way to redeem herself for how their conversation in the kitchens had devolved.
"They want more, sir. They need more from their father. They need more from you. I cannot dare to tell you what to do to give them more. I trust you know what you need to do. As you said, you have their best interests at heart. All I can say is that they are eager to know you. Please let them know you." She felt wetness around her eyes and was not ashamed to let Darcy see how much it meant to her to let him know this.
Darcy continued to look at her, thankfully her heightened state of emotion meant her thoughts did not run away with her. Darcy only nodded and turned back to the window.
"You are free to go. I am sure you would like to review the papers further. We can discuss any other thoughts you may have at another time," said Darcy. His voice did not betray anything regarding his state of mind.
Elizabeth contented herself with the fact that she had done her best in advocating for the children. She had secured freedom for them to learn in the best way possible and she had imparted on their father their need to know him as a father and even as a friend. Elizabeth had always taken it for granted that she considered her father a friend along with her respect for him as a father, but she realised that was because her father had always been willing to let down the wall which often separated him as the authority figure in the Bennets' home.
Before she departed, she felt compelled to add, "Thank you, sir. I know Archie and Rosie will truly appreciate this new lesson plan." There was no need to say more.
Elizabeth left before Darcy could respond.
As soon as Elizabeth had closed the door, Darcy exhaled. He pinched the bridge of his nose to stave the tears threatening to fall. Darcy had never been an emotional being, partly due to his upbringing but also as an inherent trait of his character. Temperamental, maybe but not emotional.
Aside from the time he was no older than Archie, where one was prone to being easily overcome by their emotions, Darcy could remember a handful of times in his later years when he had been overcome.
When his sister was born.
When his mother died.
When his children were born.
When Anne died.
In these moments Darcy could remember distinctly letting himself be lost in the happiness, grief, sorrow, longing or anger that the moments warranted.
However, lately and dare he say following Elizabeth's arrival, his emotions were wreaking havoc on him. If he was not spiralling from anger at Miss Bennet's actions, he was getting swept into a wave of the grief that had never truly ended years after Anne's passing. Not to mention the longing he felt for the children he had never truly allowed himself to know. For as much as Elizabeth correctly surmised that he should let his children know him, the onus was also on him to know his children.
As much as it vexed him to admit, Elizabeth, with her unconventional methods (at least in comparison to him), had a better estimation of his children than he did. Darcy had always known he would be a father and at some point in his youth he had vowed to be a better father than his own father had been, but upon reflection he felt that he had done better to be a surrogate father to Georgiana than to be a father to his children.
He knew the conflict with Elizabeth was also rooted in his own guilt at having his shortcomings plainly laid out. Before Elizabeth he had been able to hide behind his duty to the estate as an excuse for why he did not invest more than just material attention in his children, for his children wanted for nothing when it came to the basic necessities and luxuries of life. However, when it came to nurturing them, he had always known (in the few moments he allowed himself to reflect) that he had truly neglected his duty. And with Elizabeth's arrival he could no longer ignore that fact.
No matter what Darcy thought about her, Elizabeth had proved time and again that she had his children's best interests at heart. He had argued to her that their wellbeing was of paramount importance to them but whereas Darcy felt entitled to the role of being the provider in Archie and Rosie's lives, Elizabeth had made strides to base her argument on experiences with them.
While reviewing the notes on how to improve Archie and Rosie's lessons, he could tell the reasons for her choices were due to what she knew about his children. Their interests, likes, dislikes, what inspired them. He could only guess.
Much as he might not have planned for it, he knew it was long overdue for him to apologise. He had acted intolerably towards her even for a servant. He could recall his mother's many lessons on how to treat a subordinate and all of those lessons emphasised how one should never be reduced to losing their temper. Darcy could remember a conversation he had had with his mother after his father had dismissed a hall boy without notice for apparently stealing. It was later revealed that another servant, a footman, had been the culprit. His father had reduced the boy to tears disparaging him for his actions but when the truth came to light his father never acknowledged the incident.
"As long as the new hall boy knows how to conduct himself," his father had said, after Mr Mason had informed the family about the footman being at fault during their morning meal.
His mother had looked at his father, displeased, "We should certainly offer poor Tom another position. He was a loyal servant."
His father had dismissed the conversation. "I think we are not in need of any more servants at present."
His mother had turned to Darcy, offering advice that Darcy had not thought much of at the time for he had been confident he would never act towards the servants as his father sometimes did. Now though he had had to rely on those words to come to his decision to apologise.
"You may be the master of the house but you should never think that means you can bark around orders or shout at servants as if you were a creature instead of a man with the faculties to reign in such emotions," his mother had said, not hiding her annoyance at his father's actions. "And you should always put yourself in the shoes of one who you may feel has transgressed, especially a servant. You will find that if you had been in the same position, you will be less inclined to act harshly. And never believe that as the master you cannot ever be at fault. Regardless of our positions in life we are all beholden to the same emotions. The difference is how one chooses to express them."
Reflecting on that conversation, Darcy knew Elizabeth's transgressions had not been deserving of the way he had acted towards. Yes, she had acted wilfully with the children's schedule, especially during his stay in London, but did that mean he had to lower himself to his base instincts? He could only imagine what his mother would say of his actions of late.
So even though his apology had not been planned, it had been long overdue. And when she had confirmed her acceptance, the relief it brought was welcome. The guilt he had felt at his actions had seeped out of him at the prospect of a shift in their tenuous dynamic.
However, that did not mean he would let down his guard when it came to Elizabeth. There was still the question of his strange attraction to her. Some of their interactions tonight were proof that he needed to rein in these feelings. He had thought it merely a symptom of their constant battle of wills. Perhaps his mind tricking him to think his recent bout of feeling was a sign of something more. But then tonight, and over the last few days where they had tried to be civil, he had found himself staring at little to long for what would be considered proper.
Darcy, being as rational a man as one could expect, knew there was nothing to be gained from dwelling on the thoughts that often crossed his mind. Thoughts of how he wanted her to touch him again if only to feel something as opposed to the bereft state he subjected himself to on most days. That thought had almost overpowered him tonight before he had had to rethink his initial plan to hand Elizabeth the glass, risking direct contact. He had remembered his visceral reaction, during their interaction in the kitchen, to her initial contact. Innocently done, yet inducing the most carnal desires, which he had tried to deny for they were desires he could never and would never act on. But they were desires nonetheless.
So, Darcy had to remind himself that it was not wise to allow these thoughts to take precedence in his mind. Thoughts on how he wanted the fire behind Elizabeth's eyes while they verbally sparred to be directed at him for entirely different reasons. Darcy chuckled humourlessly, recognising that it was always her eyes. Their deep brown, drawing him in from the first moment she opened her eyes having recovered from the shock of nearly falling off the piano bench. Outside of the recesses of his dreams, he had never allowed himself to analyse the feelings that had been awakened at that moment. He had been angry at her impertinence, no doubt about that, but as he reflected on the moment many months ago, he could now acknowledge the feeling for what it was. Desire.
Darcy shook his head to clear these thoughts as he continued to gaze through the window to the darkened estate lands although now he was firmly looking at his reflection and of one thing he was sure. He was in trouble.
A/N: The Darcy smile scene was me finding a way to infuse the moment from the P&P 2005 film when Matthew MacFadyen's Darcy smiled and literally had my heart stopping. It was such a nice moment of levity from someone who had literally not smiled one bit throughout the film.
But also Bridgerton & Sanditon returned which means more inspiration! But it also means I am constantly reminded (and cringing) at my limited Regency vocabulary. So for any stickler for language etc please forgive me. If anything is egregious, I am afraid it is what it is (hahaha).
And now lets have some fun! Anyway, thank you for coming back and see you for the next round.