Disclaimer: I do not own any of the material appearing in this story. The OC's belong to their respective owners.

How the Blood Gulch Gang Actually Got to Remnant

"Hey."

"Yeah?"

"You ever wonder why we're here?"

"Well, I dunno, it's a big mystery as to why we're here. We could be sent here for a big purpose in li-"

"No no no, Grif! I mean why are we here when we could be searching for answers as to who this Barb person is!"

"Ooooh, riiiiight…" Grif said. "That's… totally what I was aiming for. Hell if I know, Simmons. I thought this Barbara was an imaginary friend."

"Oh come on, do I look like a little kid who still believes in imaginary friends?"

"There's Caboose."

"I HAVE AN IMAGINARY FRIEND AND HIS NAME IS GEORGE AND I WILL LOVE HIM, PET HIM AND SQUEEZE HIM!" Caboose announced… very loudly.

"…Good point." Simmons said.

Grif sat down. "But seriously, I think you're just overreacting. I doubt we'll ever find this "Barb", if she even exists. It's not like we're gonna go into a new world or anything… because, hell, nothing interesting happens in this damed canyon and I'm gonna die of boredom!" He said, lying on his back.

"Well, technically, there's no possible way you can die of boredom. Now, dying from a broken heart, now that's a possible way to-"

"Oh my god, SHUT UP." Grif yelled. "God… so, you want to go bother the Blues?"

"By bothering the blues, you mean me distracting them while you snack on Oreos." Simmons said.

"I'm not gonna snack on Oreos."

"Chips Ahoy."

"Dammit!"

"Hey, you two!" Sarge approached them. "You want to do something productive?"

"I am ready to do what you ask, sir!" Simmons saluted.

"Kiss ass…" Grif mumbled as he stood up. "Alright, what are we doing?"

"Follow me!" Sarge said as he walked off with the two following him into the base, where they would see Lopez working on something while Donut was leaning on a wall.

"What's he working on?" Simmons asked.

"A teleporter! With this, you can finally go to this Barbara person and knock her out because how much you say "God dammit, Barb" on a regular basis." Sarge said.

"Oh, well thank you sir!" Simmons said.

"Ah boy, is he being a kiss ass again?" A voice asked as they turned to see Tucker walking in along with the rest of the Blues.

"Wait, what are they doing here?" Grif asked.

"I invited them." Sarge said. "Besides, Church has been screaming "God dammit, Barb" too. He's got a loud voice, don't ya know."

"What? I don't have a loud voice!" Church defended.

"Pull!" Church ordered as Tucker pressed a button as Church started firing at a clay pigeon. Only he didn't hit anything. In fact, he didn't even hit the rock walls of the canyon. "Gah, pull!" He said as he kept shooting at clay pigeons but kept missing.

"GAAAAAAH!" Church yelled. "I AM GOING TO FUCKING RIP THIS DAMNED SNIPER RIFLE APART AND SCATTER IT'S FUCKING REMAINS IN THIS GOD FORSAKEN CANYON!"

At the Red Base, Simmons was reading a book on a lawn chair while Sarge walked by. "What was that?" Sarge asked.

"Church."

"Ah, I figured."

"…Okay, so I may not have a volume control on my outside voice."

"May not?" Tucker asked.

"Not even my ex boyfriend's voice was that loud, but it did make a good vibrator." Sister said.

"But I can assure you, I'm not that loud most of the ti-wait, what?!"

"Everyone, this is George! George, meet my friends!" Caboose said as there was silence. "Aw, George… don't be bashful!"

"Hello George!" Sister waved.

"Don't encourage him!" Grif said.

"Esta terminado." (It is finished.) Lopez said.

"Excellent!" Sarge said. "Now we just step into this teleporter and-"

"How do we know if it's safe?" Doc asked.

"GAH!" Tucker yelled, jumping back and doing some shadow karate chops. "Where did you come from?!"

"I was here this whole time!"

"I swear, you are literally Hermione Granger. You pop up out of nowhere." Church said.

"That's not true! I'm always with you guys."

"…Uh-huh, sure." Grif rolled his eyes.

"He does raise a good point though. How do we know if the teleporter is safe?" Sarge said. "So… who gets to be a brave volunteer?" He asked. "One two three, not it!"

"Not it!" Everyone said in unison… except for Tucker.

"Not i-… dammit!" Tucker facepalmed. "Alright, here we go." He said as he took a deep breath and walked in, and ended up at Blue base, covered in soot. "Agh, I should've seen that coming!" He groaned as he walked back in. "It didn't work!"

"Déjame arreglar eso." (Let me fix that.)

"Ewww, you're all smoky!" Sister said. "Kind of reminds of me this one guy I dated, I had smoke in my lungs for days. I guess we shouldn't have dated inside of a chimney… poor guy didn't make it out. Probably because we dared each other to swallow charcoal whole."

"…I'm not EVEN going to ask." Grif said.

"Ditto." Simmons and Donut agreed.

"Good, because it was not pleasant coming out."

"Eugh, TMI!" Grif groaned.

"Pruébalo otra vez." (Try it again.)

Tucker hopped on in… and found himself out of the Red base this time, covered in soot even more. "OH COME ON!" He said as he walked down. "That didn't work either!" He said as he was shaking the soot off of him.

"Hmm… I wonder…" Sarge mused.

"I guess we're stuck in this canyon forever and listening to you two dumbasses whine about Barbara." Grif said.

"Maybe the teleporter needs a good kick." Sarge said, harshly kicking the teleporter… as it started to spark.

"Oh, mierda, ahora lo has hecho." (Oh shit, now you've done it.)

"Is it supposed to spark like that?" Doc asked.

"Uh… probably!" Donut said.

"Let me test it out on my vibrator, it needs a good charge!" Sister said as she tried to leave, but they were all covered in a bright light and disappeared.

Meanwhile…

"Waaaaaaaah!" Everyone yelled as they teleported into the outskirts of Toad Town.

"WHO WHAT WHERE WHY?!" Church yelled.

"Whoa… I think we're in a new world." Simmons said.

"Ah shit, I didn't bring my Cheez it stash with me!" Grif groaned.

"George? George! …Ah no, we left George back at Blood Gulch!" Caboose said. "Poor guy is gonna be lonely…"

"So, is this the spot where this Barbara is at?" Doc asked.

"Probably. Probably not." Sarge said.

In Toad Town…

"Man, after a fight like that, we definitely deserve some R&R." Yang said, grabbing a bag of chips from a shelf.

"I'll say… I thought we were goners." Ruby said.

"The good news is, Hades is no more." Weiss said.

"Yeah, so we don't have to worry about him anymore." Blake said.

"Good thing too…" Yang said as their paid for their snacks and then walked out. "Because we took out Hades with a Yang!"

With the Reds and Blues…

"GOD DAMMIT BARB!" Simmons and Church yelled.

"…She's close. I can feel it in my gut." Church said.

"Good! Let's move!" Sarge said as they walked into Toad Town.

BGM: Toad Town (Mario and Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story)

"Wooow, look at all these mushrooms!" Caboose said as they walked around. "Mushroom houses! Mushroom people!"

"A lot of mushrooms… what would you call this place?" Donut asked.

"Drug Kingdom." Grif said. "No, seriously, this place looks like it's on drugs!"

"Mushroom Kingdom!" Caboose said innocently.

"Pffft, yeah… like anyone would call it that." Tucker said and turned to a Toad. "Excuse me, do you know where we are?"

"Why, you're in Toad Town. A very popular town in the Mushroom Kingdom!"

"WHAT." Church said.

"Hot damn, I thought Caboose was joking! Turns out he was right!"

"Hooray, I was right! I love being right …About what?"

"Now uh… what the heck are you guys wearing? It ain't Halloween." The Toad said. "If you're looking for the nerd convention, it's in Mushroom City. Hahahaha!" The Toad chuckled and walked off.

"A nerd convention? Why of all the nerve…" Donut said.

"Oooh, a nerd convention. Population: Simmons." Grif teased.

"Hey!"

"…I wonder how many of these mushrooms I can fit in my mouth." Sister wondered. "And perhaps up my-"

"NOPE! Not going there!" Church said.

"I was gonna say "ass", dinglebrain!"

"That's somehow worse!"

"Hmm…" Tucker turned his head and spotted RWBY walking by. "Ooooh, people who don't look like mushrooms! …Oh hot damn, that blonde looks miiiighty fine~"

"Let's go ask them. Maybe they know of this Barb woman." Sarge said as they walked over. "Excuse us, ladies!"

"Hmm?" Weiss turned her head as did the others. "…What in the name of Oum are they wearing?"

"Looks like a… LARPing event." Yang said.

"Ew…" Weiss grimaced. "Nerds…"

"Howdy there! We were wondering if you could help us with something." Sarge said.

"What do you need?" Ruby asked.

"Well, we're trying to find this woman who keeps agitating our friends here." He said, referring to Simmons and Church. "Goes by the name of… Barbara."

"Hmm… I don't know of a Barbara… do you?" Yang asked.

"Nope." Ruby shook her head.

"Haven't heard of her." Weiss said.

"Can't help you there." Blake said.

"Maybe we can help you look!" Yang said. "Name's Yang Xiao Long! This is my sister, Ruby Rose-"

"Heya!" Ruby smiled.

"Weiss Schnee-"

"Greetings."

"And Blake Belladonna."

"Hey…"

"Nice to meet all of ya! My name's Sarge and this is-"

One introduction later…

Sarge? Sister? Caboose? What in the name of… Weiss thought.

"Let's see… maybe we can go look into Mushroom Fields. Perhaps you can find Barbara there." Yang said.

"There's a field of mushrooms? Oh lord, we're gonna get high…" Tucker said.

"Dibs on the poison mushrooms!" Sister raised her hand excitedly.

End BGM

BGM: Overworld Theme (New Super Mario Bros U)

"What in the sam hill?!" Sarge said. "Why are these blocks floating!"

"It's best you don't question it… unlike Weiss here." Ruby said.

"Hey! We haven't been here that long either." Weiss pointed out.

"Alright, so we find Barbara in this field and then we can be on our way home!" Grif said. "I miss my Cheez Its already…"

"Va a ser así de simple, gracias a que Sarge es un idiota." (It's not gonna be that simple, thanks to Sarge being an idiot.)

"That's the spirit, Lopez. Let's go find this Barbara and get the hell out of here!" Church said, as he felt piercing stares as he turned to Yang and Ruby. "…Uh, can I help you?"

"…Why do you sound like our dad?" Ruby asked.

"Dad, is that you in that ridiculous outfit?" Yang asked.

"DAD/PADRE?!" The Blood Gulch crew yelled before they all turned to Church.

"Dude! Since when did you have sex with Tex?" Tucker asked before grinning behind his helmet. "You lucky son of a gun!" He said, playfully punching his arm.

"No no no, I can assure you, we didn't go that far! …Besides, she'd tear out my pelvis and beat me to death with it… and I'm preeeetty sure that's possible!" Church said.

"Then why did they call you dad?" Caboose asked before gasping. "Unless you're a father in the future! GASP! Did we time travel?!"

"No no no, we didn't time travel! …I'm assuming we didn't." Simmons said.

"No." Lopez said.

"Oh good!"

"How the hell should I know! There's probably some guy that sounds like me!"

"Huh, apparently we traveled to a world where everyone sounds alike. I wonder if that's gonna get weird." Tucker said.

"Nah, for some reason, I'm picturing this world with people having the same name." Donut said.

"Same names? Oooh, I wonder if I can meet another Sister!" Sister said.

"Doubt it." Grif said.

Church turned to the sisters. "Ladies, I can assure you… I am not your father."

"Oh… yeah, probably for the best. Our dad doesn't do Sniper Rifles." Yang said.

"…Remind me to kidnap that sniper rifle later so I can get a closer look at that." Ruby said.

"Noted. …Wait, what?" Church asked.

"Nothing!"

Several minutes of searching for "Barbara" later…

"Alright, I have to ask… why are you searching for this Barbara character anyway?" Blake asked.

"Well, the thing is… Barbara's been agitating us for no good reason, so we're trying to find her and tell her to knock it off." Simmons said.

"…Uh-huh… have you ever met her?" Blake asked.

"No, we don't even think she exists, but those two boneheads think they do. It's like they have a sixth sense or something." Grif said.

Blake sweatdropped. "I see…"

"Well, whoever this Barbara is…" Yang spoke up. "Maybe you had a fight on social media and she-" She started snickering, pulling up a Brick Block in her hand. "Blocked you."

"Oh, that was just bad…" Weiss groaned.

"GOD DAMMIT BARB!" Simmons and Church yelled instinctively, causing everyone to freeze in place.

End BGM

"…Wait, what." Grif said.

"Hoooooly moly…" Donut said.

"She was under our noses this entire time." Sarge said.

"…Barb's a teenager? Oh, I feel terrible…" Simmons said.

"I'm not! We've been saying that because of horribly shitty puns!" Church cocked his sniper rifle and aimed at Yang. "No hard feelings, Yang or Barb or… whoever you are, but you gotta go!"

"Wait, WHAT?" Yang said in surprised.

"CHURCH, NO!" Simmons yelled as Church pulled the trigger and fired the Sniper Rifle… but he missed. Horribly. It didn't even hit a Parabeetle that flew on by.

Ruby's head popped up on the other side of the hill with Caboose. "What was that?" She asked.

"Explosions!" Caboose said.

"Agh, dammit, I missed!" Church growled.

"So this Barbara was me… and you were going to kill me?" Yang glared at them, her eyes going red. "All because I make puns?!"

"I wasn't gonna kill ya. I don't have it in me! Church just has a bad temper!" Simmons said.

"Oooh, she looks real spicy with those red eyes~" Tucker said.

"Is her hair catching on fire?" Doc asked.

"Oooh, anyone got any marshmallows?" Sister asked.

Yang marched forward to Church, her hair completely on fire as she cocked her gauntlets. Blake and Weiss immediately had their weapons out as well.

"Now now… this is just a massive misunderstanding…" Sarge said. "…Wait, who am I kidding? Suck it blue!"

"OH OF COURSE YOU WOULD GO THERE!" Church yelled as he tried to reload the Sniper Rifle. "Come on, come on…" He said as he reloaded the magazine. "Perfect!" He said as he aimed… only to see Yang was within point blank range as she grabbed the sniper rifle, tore it off of his hands and tossed it to the side, giving Church a cold glare.

"Uh… aheheheh… guuuuuuys?" Church turned his head, and then saw everyone slowly backing up. "…Oh fuck you!" He groaned as he turned his head to Yang. "Heeey, how about we just pretend that never happened?"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Yang yelled, punching him clean in the head and sending him flying into a tree.

"OOOOF!" Church grunted and then got pelted by bullets from Yang's gauntlets. "OW OW OW OW! YOWCH! GAAAAH! OOOOOW!"

"Oooh, right in the crotch!" Tucker winced, noticing how one bullet made its way between his legs.

"I'm not done with you!" Yang growled, reloading her gauntlets.

"Aheheheh… good talk. See you later!" Simmons said, picking up Church and they took off running.

"Hey, wait for me!" Caboose ran off and then waved goodbye to RWBY. "Bye new friends!" He said before disappearing into the distance.

"YOU GET BACK HERE RIGHT THIS SECOND, CHURCH!" Yang yelled.

"Did I… miss something?" Ruby asked.

"That Church guy shot your sister." Weiss said.

"WHAT?!" Ruby's eye twitched. "Alright… let's go get him."

"Agreed!" Yang nodded.

The next day…

"Alright men, today is a new day… and a new day means a new opportunity… to apologize to that Barb lady." Sarge said to the rest of the crew.

"I couldn't agree more. That was uncalled for." Simmons said.

"Well excuse me! I didn't know that we were screaming at this Barb person for shitty puns!" Church said. "Now that we know what we're up against, I say we find our way home. PRONTO."

"You seriously want to go back to that crappy canyon?" Grif asked.

"If it means being away from that she-devil, YES. But seriously, how do we get back?!"

"Dude, we've only been here for a day." Tucker said.

"And I don't want to stay here for a second longer!"

"We could use the teleporter to get back. I haven't eaten my Oreos in a long time…" Grif said.

"No podemos volver atrás. El teletransportador está roto. A menos que haya alguna forma mágica de regresar, estaremos atrapados aquí para siempre." (We can't go back. The teleporter is broken. Unless there's some magical way for us to get back, we're stuck here forever.)

"WHAT?! What do you mean they don't have Oreos here?!" Grif yelled.

"Are we in a bush?" Caboose asked, only now noticing they were in a large bush that was very unconvincing to the naked eye.

"God dammit, Caboose…" Church grumbled.

"Why are we hiding in a bush of all things?" Donut asked.

"Since we're in the Mushroom Kingdom, I've taken the liberty of having this makeshift base made until we can find a more suitable one or steal one as our own." Sarge explained.

"We could just take over that large tower." Tucker said, as the bush happened to be at Beacon Academy.

"Ah, that's too much work. Simmons, how about you distract those guys at the tower and I'll sit here crying because we have no snacks." Grif said, causing Simmons to facepalm.

"First you didn't help with this makeshift base and now this?"

"What? It was break time."

"There was no break time!"

"This was not how I expected to get bush." Tucker said. "Bow chicka bow wow!"

"Me neither." Sister said. "At least this one doesn't give me an itch."

"Yeah… wait, what?!"

"Guys, I don't mean to interrupt anything, but I think we have some company." Doc said… which no one noticed he was there until he said something.

"Fuck! Where did you come from?!" Church asked in surprise.

"And how do you know we're about to have company?!" Sarge asked.

As if to answer that question, their bush was suddenly lifted up in the air, and the one behind it was none other than Glynda Goodwitch, with Professor Ozpin joining her.

"…That company…" Doc answered.

"Hello new friends!" Caboose waved.

Glynda turned her head. "Are these the individuals you were looking for?" She asked.

"…Tex?" Church asked, and then they heard guns cocking as he turned his head to see Yang and Ruby pumping their weapons with a glare. "…Uh oh."

"Just the guy with the Sniper Rifle." Yang said, as the rest of the Blood Gulch Crew backed away from Church.

"Guys? Guys! …Oh you guys fucking suck!" Church said before nervously turning to the sisters. "Um… hi there!"

Yang cracked her knuckles while Ruby aimed her scythe at Church. "Sup?" Yang glared.

"…Oh, fuck my-"

BANG!

"OW!"

I never thought the Halloween One-Shot would come to bite me in the butt all these years later after the last Gaiden chapter... but what can you do? Soooo, Log, Jacob and I have decided to work on this chapter to fix that issue because I refuse to believe everything after the Halloween one shot happened in November just like that. So thanks guys for helping me out with this one!

But in any case, the Halloween one shot is now an AU.