Night shortly after "lil graduation gone wrong"
For some time now Steven's been feeling purposeless and lonely. And it wasn't like he couldn't go to little Homeschool for some conversation... it's just he doesn't feel like he wants to talk. After the ruckus with Saddie's concert... her last in beach city... he's been feeling rather down for some reason.
Scratching his neck, he's been driving around to think about it and the thought doesn't leave him.
Everyone is moving on.
You have to let us live our own lives
Saddie's words echoing in his mind as he can't help but feel... empty.
He visited Otto on the way back before going to the beach house.
Still feeling numb...
And his next calling is just one issue, the other is his emotions and his new powers...
They are clearly meddlesome and dangerous. Riot and Emerald appearing definitely didn't help either...
He'd have to tell the gems to take some measures in case they appear again ...but should he tell them about his pink state?
He thought And thought. And decided not to. They have their own work to do and he may just add more to it.
He can deal with this himself. But how?
"hmm well Shep was right about emotional management. Maybe I can convey my feelings a lot better if I have some practice. If I speak to someone that I won't feel insecure with?"
One idea clicked, it was a daring step for him but it should be effective one.
His mother's room... no his room.
A world in itself where one's emotions become one's reality.
With it's ties to his mother, he always held a sense of emotional weight to this location which is why is why he doesn't go there very often at all... till now.
It was his room now and it shouldn't be wrong that it wants to use it right?
He can and he will.
It's better than just doing nothing...
"okay then... here we go."
After summoning the pink door, Steven steps into the room.
It was cloudy and soft like before... no disruptions, no injectors no more angry gems...
No one is listening. Good. Let's start.
"Hey room. I know we haven't seen each other for a while but... uhm I wanna spend some time here"
"You're always welcome Steven" a voice emerged from a little whale flying up to him.
"I'm glad to hear that..."
"So where we begin?"
Steven rubs his chin "Well for starters, I wanna talk to Saddie and Lars"
And as he wanted, they appeared before him... not like how they were now but they were then.
Saddie : Hey Steven! Glad you cane over! Wanna have some fun?
Lars : Pfft please as if he didn't have fun each day, am I right or am i right?
Steven :... Yeah I do. It's just not the same without you two...
The two then come to hug Steven
Saddie : Come on Steven. We are here now right? We're not going anywhere
Lars : Well except with the cool kids... wanna join too?
Then there appear the pizza twins
Kiki : Well Steven what do you say?
Jenny : For old times sake?
Steven :... heh how can I say no to that.
Feeling a little better, Steven then started to summon more people within the room. The cool kids, the off colors, fries family, pizza family, crystal gems...
Happy to feel in place, Steven doesn't notice a disturbing distortion around him.
Night shortly after "pair of gardeners"
He couldn't sleep... it's been hard to close an eye after what happened with Cactus Steven.
The gems were worried now because of him...
They clearly want to talk an find out what's going on. Why he seems so weird and in distress even though that's not true. He was handling it well...
Is there anything you need to talk about?
He scoffed at the thought, now its gonna be repeating in his head.
"NO I don't. I've said enough"
Unable to sleep due to insomnia, Steven made his way back to the room...
"Let's hope it'll help again..."
He can't talk to them about his feelings so as to not worry them or look nonsensical, but he can't hold his emotions inside forever like in a prison riot. He must have release.
Hmph well maybe you should talk to something that won't grow up and regurgitate your thoughts to the gems?
He travels in the room once more , as it has shifted to the beachside.
With his dad baking and Connie training her bat along with Garnet.
The gems were having fun in the water, Amethyst definitely with her morphing into a whale. Lapis most of all had the advantage as she held her by the tail.
Sabina, Bismuth, Pink Pearl Volley and Pearl were having a moment. Jamie had trouble with Moonstone and Garny arguing over something.
Steven smiles lightly as a little pumpkin dog jumps on him with Lion appearing under him as he takes Steven out to the scene.
Steven – Ouh ahaha pumpkin, lion! I'm glad to see you too!
Peridot – Steven! What took you so long? And where are our meep morps?
Volley – Well should we play? I love playing tennis!
Connie – Me too! Steven remember how mom said its good for shape?
Greg – Aww geez could've told me that before Schtu-ball...
Steven looked on puzzled but strangely warm
He remembers this day. It's the same just with some differences.
Night shortly after "Homeworld Azurite"
Steven's been breathing in and out heavily.
Sweating heavily.
His mind tried all it could to not snap on him.
He seen Connie nearly die... he seen her impaled... bloodied, bruised... her bloodshed eyes glaring at him like in a horror movie...
She almost died... she was dying in front of him...
'STEVEN THERES NO TIME! THROW ME THE DAMN SWORD!'
He never heard Connie being so distressed... in so much pain...
It made him wanna vomit... which he did in the toilet...
Its good that Peridot isn't here or she'd be disgusted seeing I like that...
Part of him also doesn't waste any time to search for the guilty
'That was Jasper definitely! She just doesn't get fed up with this doesn't she!? Who'd even want to fuse with her at all even!?'
His guts told point of Jasper but his logic tells him Jasper is too traumatised to do this.
His neck was itching too for some time already and its getting irritating.
The gems also looked at him in worry which was unnecessary.
"Ouh boy this is getting too complicated"
All at once is just too much
Part of him now yells 'Okay okay okay! Slow down!'
Then another said 'Oh sure try calm down like this!'
Steven : Uuugh *breathes* I need space *breathes*
Again he goes to the place where there is a lot of it.
In pink room
He then sees Connie and the others before him.
All fine and healthy, Otto without his burns, Jamie with his scars...
...and Connie, gosh she was okay...
He's so relieved that he hug her tight
Steven : I'm so glad you're okay. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you!
Connie : Wohoah Steven, it's alright.. I am here! I'm not gonna leave you...
Steven : I would've fixed it of course if something went wrong! I promise I was to tell you!
Without himself even noticing, Steven was hyperventilating...
Pearl : Steven! Do you fear we'll leave you? We won't abandon you! And you don't have to fix anything because there I nothing to fix.
One part of Steven now whispers to him 'You know this isn't real do you?'
Steven was so blinded and by fantasy that he didn't give it any thought
Then there came another voice cracking down on his walls
"Pfft what a pathetic excuse"
Steven's eyes then snapped at replica of one he currently didn't wanna see
"JASPER. YOU ARE NOT WELCOME"
At this, the clouds within the room began swirling
"Well like I said. You are weak. I thought you were pathetic without your friends but now, I see that you are miserable even with them"
"Stop it... you have no right to-"
"You are so proud of being everyone's good boy! Can't stand without those puny touches or hugs!"
She takes steps towards him slowly
"You're lying! I AM not like that!"
"Your excuses are useless here Steven. Unlike my diamond, you only needed 3 years to lose that willpower you had"
"NO I'M NOT LIKE THAT! Now leave"
"Hmph enjoy your friendship while you still have it... you might not have it firever"
And as she said it, she dissipated into thin air
He clutched his shirt while trying to breathe in and out
He then feels a hand on his shoulder
Bismuth : Steven, c'mon don't listen to her. This is the gem that wanted to crack your head open. She's just angry... I mean dont you remember our fight?
To him, Bismuth was one of wisest people he'd seen aside from Garnet, Pearl and dad.
Bismuth : You know better little bud. You didn't do anything wrong.
The others also came to hug him. He could swear to feel their warmth...
Steven : ... you're... right. Yeah! Yeah! I DO know better! In fact I'm gonna set a good record from today!
Afterwards they headed off to their little homeschool for healthy routinely job...
Oblivious to the distortions of the world around him...
But he is sure its nothing... better leave wounds alone for them to leave...
...Ignorance is a bliss...
...It was blissful...
... It was fine...
... this was normal...
...this is normal...
...This time it's normal...
Night after "Propose/Innovation"
The emptiness now was stronger than ever before...
He couldn't stand it...
He hated it...
He hated his emotions right now...
The same emotions that made him feel like trash.
Same feelings of anger to Bluebird. Feeling embarrased to Jamie... Feeling betrayed by Connie... his role wasn't forgivable either in causing that.
And it all because of these destructive powers...
He hated his powers... He hated them adding more to his already overburdened mind...
He hated the one he inherited them from... his mother pink diamond.
Right now he felt like he was back stabbed...
Past 3 or 4 days were finally giving promise... but now...
Now he now wants to address the root of his anger...
This time he goes into the room determined to confront his emotions directly...
Right now the room took shape of Gem Homeworld... another place he'd rather not be in. Exactly what is the problem. This is where it began...
"ROOM SHOW ME MY MOM! SHOW ME ROSE! SHOW ME PINK!"
This triggers the room to stop everything disappears and his mother appears now taking on fairly dark shades of pink.
He was in this situation before but then he seen her as an war hero Rose Quartz
But now that he had the bigger picture... she was nothing but war criminal to him...
"Y-you did this to me!"
She said nothing now and neither did she to his next response
"You liar! You fake! You ruined my life! You hurt the gens! You hurt the Diamonds! You hurt spinel! But you didn't even stop there no! You just HAD to leave these powers to me! You know what I at first thought that they are something useful! That it's one of those few thing I could have that won't make me angry at you! But no! It's your fault we're in this situation!"
His mom just stands there taking it but when he stops the room begins to glitch out...
"What is it? Can't say anything?! Well of course. You just don't have words right? All my life problems is because of you!"
Then however she responds.
"Me? How am I responsible? Didn't you say that I'm not you? Did you not say I am gone? How can I be there to cause trouble if I'm not there?"
Steven : So you CAN talk? Well as I said, if it wasn't for you we wouldn't be in this situation!
Pink : ... you're right. If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be hurting... without me, you wouldn't even exist...
His eyes blocked in confusion
Pink : ...Without me the earth would be destroyed... without me, the humans would be gone... and you know this Steven.
Steven : That doesn't excuse what you did.
Pink : What I did? I didn't want this war. I didn't want people to die... I didn't want for it to end like this...
Steven : You had the gems! Didn't look at them ever made you feel ashamed!?
"You apparently don't want to say it don't you?"
Steven then turned to look at what appeared to be younger version of him.
Classic Steven : Don't you remember how they were around her? It didn't help that she didn't have moral compass. All her life she only had them as examples to follow. She only started to doubt when she came here.
Steven : You stay out of this. I've outgrown that part of me long ago.
"You don't say. You aren't little boy anymore but you're not an adult either"
He then eyes at representation of his gem
Pink Steven : You only see the world in black and white. You see pink as nothing but a monster. You see ME as a monster. Is that really how you see me?
Steven was taken aback by that. He didn't expect to hear that...
Steven : That's not true. I didn't mean that!
Pink Steven : Oh so now you take intent into account?
Classic Steven : You look at mom like she is villain but half of thing she did weren't intended and half of it she regretted
Pink Steven : The other Diamonds however? No, you look at them as grandmothers but they have voluntarily shattered, mutilated and stiffed gems together. No better than Jasper.
Steven : That's no excuse!
Pink Steven : That's the problem Steven. She knows what she did and she accepted it. Why else you think she felt so depressed? Dad was the one who shown her that she was wrong... not Pearl. Nor Garnet. Imagine adding that to what she already did to Spinel... to Bismuth. In fact she felt the same things you feel now... like she was worthless...
Steven : We are not her. Never will be like her!
Classic Steven : But we are similar at some things. What does that make us?
Steven felt daggers piercing him at that
Pink Steven : Except we've gone further. We haven't just peaked in life, we've lost purpose in life.
Classic Steven : We also go more angry gems and shady thug here... And this is not her fault.
Steven : B-but if she didn't do all things that she did, half of them wouldn't even be like that.
Pink/Rose : No Steven.
He finally look at his mother who is now turned from him
Pink/Rose : Steven I don't want to hurt you more than you already are... but if this is where it leads... then I have to show you the truth... I can't let you keep betraying yourself anymore...
Apparently his gem and his room are cooperating to show pink/rose act like how they remembered her as eveything gets blurred and mixed together in the room.
Steven keeps staring in resentment but allows her to speak
Pink/Rose : You've blamed EVERYTHING, every problem you've encountered on me... And that's okay. I was far from perfect... and I've hurt you and those we both love... from Spinel to Greg... I just didn't know how it worked... I had to learn all of it on my own... and I regret not helping them move on without me..."
Steven starts to glow
"... But you're realising it as well don't you? You're learning you CAN'T blame everything on me."
Steven then influenced the room to show memories of the gems
Moments of past events that led to his fragile psyche
Pearl hologram trying to impale him...
Sugilite nearly squashing him...
Lapis close to slice him in half...
"The thought that someone else other than me is responsible for the hardships and pain you're enduring..."
"It terrifies you..."
Steven clutches his chest shirt
"... doesn't it Steven?"
She now looks at him at last. She looked saddened... part of him felt honesty from it and that hurt him to the core
He cries "It does mom... because *hic* if you aren't the root of everything, of all of my problems... and you're not the one to blame... then the cause of all my suffering *hic* is me. Do you know how bad that feels?"
Pearl : Steven, you are blaming everything on her.
Garnet : No matter how she changed in the end.
Amethyst: Dude when did you become such a prick?
Steven then finds himself surrounded in a circle
And not by enemies or angry mobs, but by his friends and family...
His awful thoughts and anxieties now took forms
Lapis : Who is pitiful now?!
Peridot : Pitiful clod for a friend!
Bismuth : I'm dissapointed! So you are nothing without us! Then there's nothing beyond that!
Spinel : Looks like you'll spend the rest of your days not moving on anywhere else!
His mind was about to collapse.
He felt pressure on his lungs.
Why is this happening?! This shouldn't be happening!
Is this just his mind or is someone else making him?!
He has to escape this madness.
He didn't want to them anymore .
"SOMEONE ELSE NOW PLEASE!!!"
Painful and silent moments went by as Steven was desperate for a voice of reason
"S-Steven? Are you okay?"
He looks up slowly... looking at his best friend
"C-Connie..."
He quickly and tightly hugged her and she returns the hug a moment after
The only thing she said was simply "I love you Steven"
He really wanted with all hi being for that to be true... for that to be reality.
He wanted her to say this...
But it wasn't... it didn't help...
It was hopeless... he came for place in joy here but now only has misery
"Do you really?"
Even if it a replica she just couldn't help but appear shocked at sudden remark
He distanced himself
Connie : W-wha?
"Listen Connie. I just can't help but feel like you're just saying that to make me feel better"
He then looked at her with angry eyes
"I've done lots of things that have hurt people, said things, tried to fix things-"
...
"... but end up breaking instead-"
...
"They were right... I can't believe I say this but they were right. I am scared of myself- My own problems! Scared that I'll lose myself to it!..."
He looked at and yet no answer yet so he continued
"But guess WHAT?! Mo matter what I do, I'll go and hurt the gems! Dad! Like I hurt you! SO AM I INCREDIBLE TO YOU NOW!?"
The duplicate...cried?
"Steven of course you're still-"
Steven: LIAR! IF YOU REALLY STILL THINK I AM, YOU'D STILL BE HERE WITH ME! BUT NO! YOU JUST HAD TO LEAVE! FOR THOSE STUPID STUDIES OF YOURS!! WHAT HAPPENED TO JAMBUDS? WHAT HAPPENS TO US?! I THIUGHT WE WERE DUPPOSED TO FACE THIS TOGETHER?"
His glow now raging more than ever
"Why the fuck did you bother to kiss me if you were leaving and never come back?! "
He keeps crying
Steven : *hic* ... I can'... I don't... Y-you... Connie... *pink glows*... If you really did love me... I wouldn't travel to be in this ROOM AND TALK TO FAKE YOU! *pink glows*
Shockwaves rampage throughout the area, distorting Connie's replica like a cracked mirror before Steven has finally cane to his senses... he realised what's he's doing but it's far too late.
Connie replica or more accurately the room itself was now fragmented...
Steven : Oh no no no! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I-I-I-didn't mean to- I just... I didn't mean sny of that! I –"
Room with Connie's fractured face : StEveN... *pzzt* *static* I don't know if I managed to change anything but I'm afraid I can no long help you. I no longer can sustain myself anymore, not after this... *static* I hope you will be able to save yourself. *pzzt* Goodbye.
Steven : ROOM! WAIT! I'M SORRY!
After that the cracked clone withers away, leaving only a singular butterfly of pain... *tink*
And darkness now enveloped once utopian space...
What he felt on inside was now on the out.
He fell on his knees in despair looking at it
"R-room?... I'm sorry"
The last words he could muster as the ground around him is imploding
The last thing he sees as he exits the door is him sliding down into a ball against the exit and a rather large crack appears forming in the rose quartz gem on the door telling the user that it's gone
And there is nothing he can do about it...
During the ball
Steven felt rather down lately... so he decided that some distraction is in order.
Spinel and diamonds were saviors here, if anything he's great at hosting parties.
That along with a rouge gem coming after Spinel made him consider new recruits like Jasper. Not exactly fitting in with Spinel but she is most fitting for a guard.
He didn't want to confront Connie however so he tries to keep some distance...
Jamie – uhm buddy are you okay? You know you can take a break if you want?
Steven – I'm fine thanks! I have a speech soon! And shouldn't you do that instead?
Jamie – Oh not you too! *sighs* fine maybe once this is over, I'll go to Mr Maheswaren for health care...
Steven did all he could not to recall the hospital..
He sighs as he sips another portion of coffee which tasted weird
I thought I told Red Sapphire to add sugar... oh well guess I'll have to check on this later
He scratched his neck again, that itch didn't go anywhere...
I am not good with therapy like movies but damn I feel ANGST IS FILLING THIS CHAPTER Even his own ro7om has abandoned him
Funny how room didn't appear in SUF but maybe it was moved? Guess we won't know for now. But even if we did, this could still be the likely outcome. I mean Steven' mentality is on verge of breaking now... its impressive he is still holding.
His emotions are strong and room would imitate his loved ones based on his memories of them.
Knowledge is power. But without information, and without memory it won't work. And his thoughts memorise well. He managed to build his fantasy of beach city, little homeschool, Homeworld in one single room. Pearl in one episode noted that this would be too much for room to handle.
And replicas will say whatever Steven feels whether it's what he fears or what he wants.
Now that also means whomever he isn't desiring to see. Like Jasper the one he can't help or Pink Diamond whom he didn't form full opinion on.