Gowny and Cloth stood in the elevator as it took them up to the Red Room, as Big Time Rush's Elevate played, as was the intergalactic law established by the First Order that Elevate was the only elevator music allowed in any and all elevators.
"Yo, remember when we touched hands like an hour ago?" Cloth asked.
"How could I forget," Gowny said. "It was the greatest moment of my life."
"Well I saw your future," Cloth said. "I saw it as clear as I'm seeing you now. I saw you flooding the one communal bathroom on this ship with your excrement, I heard the screams of pain from people drowning in it. And it never stops coming out of your butt until the force of the poop that flies out of your orifice propels you upwards and forwards until you eventually break the sound barrier and fly off into space forever."
"Sounds like a dream come true lol," Gowny says. "As long as you're there, too."
"Yeah, I guess I know why they call it the Force lol, because that was quite a force that flew out of your hind quarters."
"I saw something, too," Gowny warned. "I saw myself flapping over the island majestically with my big ears like Dumbo, while you and Luke watched from below and clapped."
"There's something you should know about why Luke shit in your private privy," Cloth said, but just then, Elevate ended and the big throne room doors flew open. Gowny pushed Cloth into the Red Room.
"How's it hanging, Sloane?"
"Well done," Sloane said (actual quote), in McGregor's voice. "My faith in you is restored, whatever that means. Now I'm going to drop a deuce on everybody," he continued. Sloane Snoke then dropped a deuce on every last person in the room.
"Totally radical," Gowny said. "This is exactly how I imagined my first date with Cloth would go."
"This isn't a date," Cloth opinionated. "And I'm not going to marry you. My heart belongs to Big F, no matter what you say."
"Young Cloth," the Supreme Leader interrupted. "Welcome to Sloane's Ship of Dreams, where everyone's dreams come true except Gowny's."
Sloane then succed Cloth across the room and plopped her down in front of him, in a similar way to how Gowny used the Force to succ the poopoo out of the drain whenever he clogged the communal toilet.
"You underestimate Luke Puke, and Benjamin Swolo, and me," Cloth said as she gingerly floated over.
"That's probably true because my opinion of you couldn't possibly be any lower," Sloane replied. "Y'alls are such lame dorks that if you could wipe your own tushy without help or looking in the mirror I'd already have underestimated you."
"No, but like, this time it will be your downfall," Cloth corrected.
"Can't be a bigger downfall then when my shit falls down into the toilet bowl lmao, those're some pretty big downfalls. I mean, uh, have you sensed a weakness in my apprentice? Other than all the other ones like social awkwardness, a hideous face, and being the least threatening character in the whole saga?"
"I did sense a new weakness, it was the fifth one today," Cloth said.
"Y'know all those ForceTime calls you've been having?" Sloane asked. "Yeah, that was me, lol. I saw that he was basically a big useless idiot and I knew that you were too dumb to see through this very simply plan and you would ship yourself off to him. And it worked."
"Oh fiddle-du-dum, I've been bamboozled," Cloth said. Then a camera crew came out from behind the curtains and everyone shouted "You just walked the prank!" and then ran back from whence they came.
"Now I'm gonna make you tell me where Luke Puke is or something."
"Oh rats," Cloth said. "This is an unfavorable situation."
Sloane then flung her into the air with the Force for some reason and probably broke her spine backwards.
"Give… me… everything… tonight," Sloane said, before speakers fell from the ceiling and started bumping Pitbull at max volume. All of the red guards with the stupid looking weapons suddenly broke into a flash mob and started dancing in a big circle.
"Yo, this is my jam," Gowny said before break dancing on the floor.
"Badabing badaboom," Sloane said, opening the Red Room doors with his other hand while still holding Cloth in the air.
"Mr. Worldwide as I step in the room!" Mr. Worldwide said as he jumped into the room from the elevator. A disco ball appeared and everyone was dancing except for Cloth, who was forced to watch from above.
"Okay but real talk tho," Sloane said before abruptly ending the dance party. The disco ball went back into the ceiling, Gowny got up from the ground, and the red dorks in the back stopped dancing. Sloane then dropped Cloth on her tushy back on the floor of the Red Room.
"Mr. Sloane, I don't feel so good," Pitbull said before vanishing.
"I did not expect Skywalker to be so wise," Sloane said (actual quote). "We'll have to kill the Jedi Order the hard way. And by that, I mean the easy way of dropping Bippy Bombs, Manure Missiles, and Excrement Explosives all over Ach-To(ot)."
Sloane hit Cloth over the head with her own lightsaber comically and then flung her to the other side of the room to the big magnifying glass they happened to have in there.
"They all be dying," Sloane said. "Soon they'll all have taken big L's on life and dip off the mortal plane."
"Not... if anything to say about it… I have!" Cloth yelped, stealing Kylo Lightsaber's lightsaber. She's using my precious laser sword! Can this day get any better?
"Are you sure you know how to turn that thing on, my love?"
"Where's the button? I can't find it," Cloth said. "Is it under the sticker of my face? Or is it under the other sticker of my face?"
"I think it's under the heart sticker with the K and the R etched into it."
"Oh yeah," Cloth said, igniting the Kylo Lightsaber. One of the red idiots behind Sloane did the Obi-Wan Kenobi patented method of holding a lightsaber.
"Still that fiery spit of hope," Sloane said (actual quote).
"What does that even mean lmao," Cloth said before running at Sloane with the Kylo Lightsaber as if an entire room of people whose job was to guard Sloane would just let some random desert girl assassinate him.
"Yeet," Sloane said while flinging Cloth across the room. The lightsaber flew out of her hand and landed in front of Beeen with the same grace and elegance as the popcorn flew into Olvia Farmer's hands.
"My worthy apprentice who I was just trashing thirty seconds ago, Son of Darkness, Heir Apparent to Lord Vader…"
"Oh my gosh, my Senpai!" Gowny said.
"Where there was conflict I now sense resolve. Where there was weak-"
"Yawn," Gowny said. "This is boring as hell, can we just cut to the killing?"
"Alright, Gown, then turn the lightsaber and kill your true enemy," Sloane said. "I'm sure this cryptic wording won't come back to haunt me."
"Too late Sloane haha," Gowny said, turning Lukey-boy's laser sword on and slicing Sloane in half like a wedding cake.
"Bye bye Sloane," Cloth said. Sloane then blew a kiss to Gowny before falling off his big red toilet. "That's the biggest RIP I've ever seen."
Gowny used the Force™ to succ Luke's laser sword out of Sloane's colon and into Cloth's big phat meaty hand.
"I'm lucky you caught that, bae, or else I would've been sliced in half just like Sloane-y boy was. Also, that was pretty cool, right, joining your side and everything? Will you marry me now?"
"Ask me again in 10 years," Cloth said, turning to fight all the red Sloane Guards with Gowny. "Wow this is quite a predicament."
Cloth and Gown fought all the red fools together. The red fools ran to all the whips and handcuffs in the corner of the Red Room and grabbed everything they could. The speakers fell from the ceiling again, but in lieu of Mr. Worldwide, They were playing Love Me Like You Do.
"Oh no, it's The Big Spancc," Gowny warned. "Sloane always told us tales that if anyone was caught taradiddling they'd be given the Big Spancc."
"The Supreme Leader is dead," Cloth said in McGregor's voice. The big red idiots charged towards Cloth and Gown with their whips and their handcuffs, but they were prepared. Gowny ignited the Kylo Lightsaber and went to town slicing up the red idiots.
"Where'd you learn to use your lightsaber like that?" Cloth asked.
"Wii Sports Resort Speed Slice," Gowny answered.
The big red idiots used all the sex toys in every way they could while Cloth and Gown slew them all. Gowny then opened up a can of Whoop Tushy and blasted the rest of the guards in the room to Heck, and thus the Big Spacc was no more.
"The fleet!1!" Cloth said, skipping merrily to the giant window. "Order them to stop firing the Manure Missiles, there's still time to save the fleet full of people you want dead!"
Instead of helping, Gowny did his signature move of standing around and doing nothing like a big useless idiot. Cloth waited a few minutes to see if he was standing around doing nothing because he was useless or because he didn't want to help her.
"It's time to let old things die," Gowny said, "Sloane, Skywalker, the Sith, the Jedi, all the people I sharted on, anyone who uses the bathroom after me, people who pop my blow-up dolls like McGregor…."
Gowny extended his arm again like he was reaching for the extra rolls of Charmin just out of his reach.
"Cloth," Gowny started. "I want you to join me. Join me by giving me your hand in marriage. I'm more powerful than Sloane, I can.… I can overthrow him! And I just did!"
"Don't do this Benjamin Swolo," Cloth said.
"And together you and I could rule the galaxy! Make things how we want them to be!" Gowny said. "Wow, I'm suddenly in the mood to kill some twerp ass younglings. Where the Jedi Temple at?"
"I don't know you anymore," Cloth said tenderly. "Gown, you're breaking my heart, You're going down a path I can't follow."
"No, you're still… holding on!11! Let go!"
"Excuse me, I'm not done wiping my tushy yet and I'll let go of this roll of Scott's when I'm done with it, thank you very much."
"Do you wanna know the truth about your parents?" Gowny asked. "I saw it in a post-credit scene after I flew over the island with my Dumbo ears in the vision when we touched hands."
A big ass tear rolled down Cloth's face.
"Get back in there, tear!" Cloth said before sucking it back into her eye.
"So, y'alls wanna know the truth about your parents?" Gowny asked. "Or have you always known?"
"I think you need a brain to be able to 'know' things."
"You know the truth," Gowny said. "At least in theory. Say it."
"They were nobody!1!" Cloth cried. "I might die from the Big Sad, that's how sad I am right now."
"They were filthy junk traders," Gowny continued. "They sold you off to have enough money to pay the plumbing bill, because there was so much shit in their potty that they couldn't even find the seat anymore and were just climbing the pile and shitting on top of the hill."
Cloth cried some more or something.
"They're dead, buried under that mountain of poo they created after the plumber died halfway through hooking up the waterline, in the Jakku Desert," Gowny finished.
"Such a sad story," Cloth said. "Almost as sad as the story of the little girl who fell into the sewer and drowned in the poopoo of the entire village."
"Lmao what kinda stories they got over on Jakku and where can I get some of that folklore?" Gowny said excitedly. "Maybe we can go to Jakku for our honeymoon."
"We're not getting married, Gowny!" Cloth said.
"You have no place in this story," Gown said. "You come from nothing. You're nothing."
"So romantic omg," Cloth said lovingly. "Get yourself a man who tells you you're nothing (heart eyes emoji)."
"But not to me," Gowny continued, putting his hand out again (?). "Join me. Take my hand in marriage."
Instead of saying no again, Cloth considered the offer. Should she marry Gowny after all? He may have had a giant nose, a petite figure, an emo complex and excelled at being a whiny little twerp, but maybe it was worth it if it got him to stop asking.
Lol no, Cloth thought, instead trying to succ Luke's laser sword out of his hand. Using all the practice he got from using the Force to flush the Big Bowl whenever he didn't want to touch the handle, Gowny succed back on the laser sword until there was a game of Tug of War for it.
"That lightsaber belongs to me!" Gowny yelled. "It was my Senpai's!"
"Luke was your Senpai?" Cloth yelled.
"No, it belonged to Bananakin Skywalker, my everlasting Senpai!"
"Oh, right," Cloth yelled over the noise of the laser sword breaking. "That lightsaber is mine, though, because it called to me! It buttdialed me in Maz's Castle and that makes it mine, everyone knows that!"
"The First Order doesn't recognize the Buttdial Inheritance Code!" Gowny said. "And even if it did, I wouldn't accept it, either!"
"Well then you are lost!"
Just outside Sloane's Ship of Dreams, Vice Admiral Turtleneck sat down in the big ass swivel chair. Oh boy, I sure do love sacrificing myself for no good reason, she thought.
"I know what I have to do but I don't know if I have the strength to do it," she said to herself. Solemnly, she put on a big pirate hat.
"What do you have to do?" asked one of the droids.
"The only way to save the Resistance is to perform the Reverse 7/20 Tail Spin," she told the droid. The droid gasped very loudly, which became the third largest gasp in recorded history, after Sloane, after Julia.
"The Reverse 7/20 Tail Spin?" the droid asked. "But that's never even been attempted before!"
Vice Admiral Turtleneck put on all the George Lucas Free Spray she had, ensuring that she could break the laws of Star Wars canon now that the Lucas Free Spray kept George Lucas away.
"You're right, it hasn't," she said, laughing heartily. "Not until now!"
Turtleneck put the ship into full throttle and rammed into the First Order ship, sinking all of the dreams on board like the Titanic as Sloane's Ship of Dreams became no more.
Luke's laser sword was cut in half.
Cloth woke up from her fat nap first. I'm lucky I woke up and that it wasn't a forever sleep, she thought while standing up.
Cloth took her half of the lightsaber and snatched the other half from Gowny's cold, dead hands. She frolicked over to Sloane's escape pod and threw everything down in it.
"Hey Gowny, guess what," Cloth said before giving Gowny a big smooch on his fish lips. "I still don't want to marry you," she said before running back to Sloane's escape pod and closing the glass lid thing.
"Peace, Red Room!" she said as she was flushed off the remaining scraps of Sloane's Ship of Dreams.