I Forgot (And I'm Sick of Remembering It) - Post season 11 Angst addressing why Zane's being the ice emperor doesn't seem to effect him in later seasons, more Zane-centric than Pixal-centric, but it's a Pixane one shot, so I say it counts - Created for Ninjago Angst Week 2020

Zane glanced over his shoulder one last time before entering the room. He wasn't exactly sure why. It's not like he wasn't allowed there. The equipment was designed for the droids of the team specifically. But although he was familiar with this space, it decidedly wasn't his. It was Pixal's. It was her cave with her tech and her control board. But he just needed to borrow it. Just for a moment. I wouldn't take long, and then it would all be over.

He reached the giant screen at the edge of the room. He paused a moment, staring back at his reflection on the black screens that surrounded him. The room was so big- such a large space to be in on your own. Is this how Pixal felt? Trapped by herself all day in this temple of emptiness with nothing but the lifeless machinery to keep her company. He started up the computer, the screens springing to life around him. There were lots of windows open: A schematic of the Bounty, a radar of Ninjago, security footage from Kryptarium Prison, the beginnings of a mech blueprint… Pixal's setting controls. His mouse hovered over it a few seconds before his curiosity got the better of him. His eyes glanced over her stats as his mind wandered and an unavoidable feeling of dread washed over him.

The feeling of actually going through with this task was a prospect he hadn't fully confronted yet. It seemed like such an obvious thing to avoid, something he had sworn to never do, and yet this source of so much pain and darkness in his life seemed now like the only strand of hope in this infinitely darker abyss he had drowned himself in. Was he really about to do it? Would it even work? Could it really take away everything? All the pain and suffering and guilt. All those lonely years. All the emptiness that had completely saturated his soul. Was it even possible to get rid of feelings like that?

The team wouldn't like it. He knew they wouldn't. They would be angry with him. But he had to. He didn't have a choice. He couldn't live like this anymore. It was eating away at him from the inside and it wouldn't stop until it had consumed him. He needed a way out. It was part of his design for a reason. He had every right to use it if he wanted to.

...Right?

His eyes were stuck on one number, one statistic of Pixal's that seemed odd to him and yet simultaneously made everything seem so much clearer. His gaze narrowed on it as his decision was cemented.

He was going to do this.

Pixal would understand.

He glanced back down at the control board, connecting himself to the computer's systems, his own control settings replacing Pixal's on the screen. There were so many more than he remembered. He felt his breaths quicken as he searched for the one he was looking for, the moment of no return growing ever nearer. He had to be careful about it. It would be a thin line to balance, but if he could do it right, it would work. All of it would be gone in the blink of an eye. He felt water gathering in his eyes as his chest tightened. It was all so close now. Just a few more seconds and he'd be fine.

"Zane?" Her soft voice came from behind him, his body refusing to turn to meet her eyes. "Is something wrong? What are you looking at?"

He could hear her voice draw nearer to him; his mind now locked onto the control he had been searching for. The whole of his systems seemed paralyzed with her in the room, his heart shattering as the truth spilled through his mind and out of his lips.

"...My memory switch"

He could feel her presence next to him now, looking up at the screen. "Is it glitching on you or something?"

"No." he shook his head.

"Then why…" She turned to look at him as the realization hit her. "Zane, you're not really thinking of using it, are you?"

Zane could feel his emotions reach their boiling point as the tears finally spilled from his eyes. "I can't live like this anymore! It's become who I am! I can't leave it behind on my own!"

"Zane," She took his hand into hers "You told me you wanted to remove your memory switch, remember?"

"It's my hardware! I can do what I want with it!" he tugged his hand away from hers, stepping back.

"What's gotten into you? Why would you ever want to-"

"I don't know Pixal, why have you been using your emotion suppressor?"

Pixal glanced back up at the screen, taken back by his revelation. "You're not… That's none of your business." She crossed her arms.

"Please, I know you know what it's like to have to go out there and focus on saving the city when everything inside you feels like it's broken." Pixal could feel tears forming in her own eyes now. "I have to do this; you have to let me."

"Zane, what if you hurt yourself? What if you forget more than you want to? I don't want you to forget me, or the team or-"

"I already did!" he screamed at her. "Don't you get it?! I did! When I was out there, stranded by myself, I did forget! That's how I got into this whole mess, I forgot! And I'm sick of remembering it!"

"Zane," Pixal took a careful step towards him. "Please-"

"I don't even want to really forget it." Zane sighed, turning away from her, and looking longingly towards the screen. "I just want to fuzzy it a bit. Put it behind a bit of memory fog. Make it so it's not so vibrant and defined inside my head. Remove it from its burning place on the back of my eyelids. Just… make it seem like some long distant past."

Pixal wrapped her arm around his, her head leaning on his shoulder, both of them beginning to calm. "It is in the past, Zane."

Zane leaned into her, his eyes sliding down to see their hands meet.

"Then why won't it just stay there?"