A week passed without much drama. Life started to feel normal. Sort of. Through all the normalcy Olivia felt like there was a sword over her head, hovering, waiting to drop.

It wasn't just the stress over Noah that kept her awake at night. She worried about Ellie too. While she was certain Ellie wasn't a fit caregiver for Noah she wondered if there could be some good in allowing Noah access to his birth mother. Olivia understood the need, or rather, the pull one feels to find where they came from. Who they are. Part of her wondered that if Ellie played a role in Noah's life, he might be better for it. He would know where he came from, and maybe that could save him some pain when he grew older.

Everything felt unsteady and unsure. She felt like was walking on a decrepit swinging bridge miles over a plunging cliff. Each step rocked the bridge, and it creaked with her every movement. Nothing felt certain, and so much of what happened next would be determined by Ellie, and her choices.

Quiet days at work always held a certain sort of foreboding. Stillness in SVU felt eerie, haunting almost. The shrill ring of her cell phone nearly sent her pencil flying from her hand.

She reached across her desk and put her phone to her ear without checking the call screen. Her hand pressed against her chest to slow her pounding heart as she answered the call, "Benson."

"Hi, it's Jill." Noah's social worker. Her voice did nothing to soothe her pounding heart.

Olivia didn't feel like small talk so she immediately cut through the bullshit. "What's going on?"

Jill sighed. "Ellie's plea agreement went into effect this morning, and she will be transferred to a women's halfway house before the end of the day."

Olivia released the breath she had been holding, and tried to loosen the tight clench of her stomach with its accompanying nausea. "Okay." She couldn't think of anything else she could say.

"Ellie has been asking to see you…and Noah again." Jill said the words slowly, almost cautiously.

Olivia's knee jerk reaction was to refuse. Things had begun to feel normal again, and she hesitated to shake up the tender peace she had finally found. But then she remembered the look in Ellie's face when she saw Noah after thinking he was dead. She remembered the perfect trust Ellie seemed to have in both Olivia and Elliot. She reminded herself that the young woman wasn't a threat, and Noah would be better for knowing his birth mother. Finally she spoke. "I think we could make that happen. She should take a couple days for herself, you know, to get settled. Then we can schedule a time for us to visit."

"Thank you, Detective." Jill said in relief. She had worked with Liv from the beginning. She understood exactly how hard this entire situation was.

Again, Olivia struggled to know what to say. "Is there anything else?"

"No, that's all. I'll call you soon to schedule a time."

"Thanks," Olivia said reflexively. The call ended, but Olivia was still left with the nervous clench of her stomach. "I'm gonna burst another damn ulcer…" she muttered to herself.

-000-

"How's Noah doing," Kathy swallowed, "and Liv?"

Elliot smiled gently. He knew what the question had cost her. "Things are…" what? Complicated? Confusing? Things were going relatively smooth with Kathy, but he wasn't willing to admit his life was a little rocky right now. "They are great," he smiled.

"That's BS. I was married to you since we were kids. I know when you're lying your ass off." She leaned against the car door. "What's going on? Really?"

He sighed and mimicked her position against his own SUV. "Noah's birth mom turned up."

Kathy's face fell in genuine concern. "How? W-when?"

"Like ten days ago," he shrugged. "She turned up in an SVU investigation."

"Prostitute?" She asked simply.

"Yeah."

"Is she looking for rights? I mean didn't Liv find Noah with child porn people?" Kathy asked in disbelief.

"I don't know. Right now it's complicated. We did a prison visit with Noah and it was…weird."

"Well, I know you don't want or need my opinion, but a woman who chooses the life she chose…she shouldn't have a child."

Elliot couldn't agree more, but after the prison visit Olivia had softened to the idea of Ellie having access to Noah. The thought made him sick to his stomach. "I agree," he admitted. He lifted his eyes to hers. "I don't want you to think we can't talk about stuff. We still have kids together," his eyes flicked to Eli sitting in a booster seat in the car. "Eli. You're always going to be a part of my life, and you've been…I know our marriage as a disaster, but I do still trust your opinion on things." He smiled slyly, "and if I think your overstepping I won't have a problem telling you."

She rolled her eyes. "Gee thanks." She stepped towards Elliot and let her hand rest on his elbow. "You have good instincts Elliot. Our marriage might have been bad, but you've always been a good father." Her eyes grew serious, "You can't let that baby go back to his mother."

He nodded solemnly. "I know, but a lot of it's Olivia's call. She's listed as the primary caregiver."

"Sure, but you're in this too. She's…" Kathy hesitated, and he knew she was planning her words carefully. "She's never been in a long term committed relationship. She does things her own way. It might…you might have to assert yourself a little more."

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes. "I thought with us I asserted myself too much." He was quoting an argument from years ago.

"Don't be like that Elliot. I'm just trying to help." He knew she was, but the situation was uncomfortable and made him defensive.

"I know, and I'm assertive with Liv."

"At work maybe…" she said.

She wasn't exactly wrong, but before he could answer Eli popped his head out the SUV window. "Dad! I'm going to be late, and coach makes me run if I'm late."

Elliot sighed, and decided to leave the conversation as it stood. "Thanks Kath. I'll swing him by your place when he's done."

She looked like she wanted to say more, but held her tongue. She simply nodded and reached for the door handle of her car. "See ya later," she said without looking over her shoulder.

"Bye," he returned.

-000-

"I don't know how I feel."

"Conflicted is a feeling Olivia. It's okay to admit to two different emotions over the same event," Dr Lindstrom leaned back in his chair.

"Fine. I guess I'm conflicted," said she admitted.

"Okay then. What emotions are at odds right now?" His face remained neutral as always.

"I want Noah to know his mother. I do. I want him to at least partially know where he came from." She began.

"But?" He prodded.

"But I'm terrified that he will be taken away. I want Ellie to get better. I want her to be able to make better choices for herself, but I don't want her to regain custody of Noah. I feel disingenuous when I'm with her. How can I want her to get her life together, but not enough to qualify for custody. He's her child. She has more rights than I do. Realistically, I have no claim here."

"And you feel what? Guilty?"

"Yeah. I mean I've spent my entire career helping victims, and here I am secretly hoping this one fails. All because I want something, someone, who belongs to her. What kind of person does that make me?" She stared at her hands, hating herself for the truth she just admitted aloud.

"You're the only one judging you," Lindstrom observed carefully. "You are attaching meaning, judgment, to your own feelings. Maybe you need to allow yourself a little grace Olivia. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Feel those conflicting emotions and let them run their course. Allow yourself the same grace you extend others."

If only it were that easy.

-000-

"How'd your appointment go?" Elliot tried to ask the question casually, keeping his eyes down on the lettuce he was currently shredding for dinner.

"Okay I guess." He wasn't encouraged by her noncommittal tone. He wanted to push some more, but he knew he had to allow her time to processes whatever she worked on during the session. She picked at a nonexistent speck on the countertop. "Jill called today."

Elliot's hands immediately stilled, as he nervously waited for whatever news Olivia was about to deliver. "Uh, what did she need?" He tried to quell the nervousness rising in his chest.

"Ellie's being moved to the halfway house. She wants to visit Noah again."

Elliot tried to contain his irrational flash of anger. "You said no, right?" He returned his focus to the lettuce.

"Uh. No. I told her I could bring him in a couple days."

He set the salad bowl aside and leaned into the counter, not sure he was hearing her correctly. Was she really planning on being their baby to visit his birth mother who was just released from jail? In a halfway house?! "Why would you agree to that Liv? " he tried to quell the anger in his voice, but her defensive response indicated his failure.

"I don't know. Maybe because she's his mother! She has rights Elliot," she said with vehemence.

He shook his head. "You're his mother. You. She's the one who allowed him to be sold off because she overdosed! She's an addict Liv! She chose drugs over her child." He couldn't believe he was having this argument with her. There was no way in hell he was giving their son to a criminal and a drug addict. "Real parents don't do shit like that."

She rose from the stool where she sat. Her voice matched his level of anger. "Because you are a perfect parent. God Elliot. I can't even measure the levels of bad parenting you've managed over the years!"

"Sure, I forgot birthdays. I missed soccer games, but I can't believe I'm arguing this- I never chose to get high instead of taking care of my baby."

"No. You chose work," she spat.

"You know that's the job Olivia and I know you would do exactly the same," his voice dropped with bitterness.

She scoffed, but didn't deny the accusation. "I never had kids," she defended.

The words slipped out before he could stop them, "Maybe that's a good thing," he grumbled.

She looked as if he had slapped her across the face. His regret was immediate. Why the hell would he say that to her!?

She spun around and headed for the door, but he followed after her. "Wait!" He groaned as he tried to catch up with her. "I didn't mean that," he tried.

She spun so quickly he almost plowed into her. "I think you did. I think you have had the thought before. Otherwise it wouldn't have been so easy to say." She turned back towards the door and reached for her keys hanging from the hook.

He reached for her, grabbing her wrist and pulling her back towards him. "I'm," but she didn't let him finish his apology.

"Let go of me Elliot," her voice seethed with hurt and anger.

"Liv, I," but again she cut him off.

She yanked her arm from his grasp. "I can't be here." She turned away and he knew she was hiding her hurt tears.

"Olivia, wait." His voice sounded more desperate than he ever had heard it.

But she didn't wait. She didn't look back. She simply reached for the doorknob and let herself out of the apartment, leaving him speechless in her wake.