Chapter 19

It wasn't until she stood facing the door to Room 1618 that Sakura began to question herself and grew unsure. Perhaps it was all too sudden, too rushed, too premature, what she was about to do. Granted, the thought that was compelling her for action now was one that'd been occupying her mind for the better of a week, while she sat in the labs of the hospital making marginal contribution to her work. Still, a part of her wanted to contest that the amount of time she spent reaching the kind of conclusion she reached was simply not enough, and her decision could very well be a knee-jerk reaction to the change in her circumstances...

...But considering all her wrongdoing, truthfully, this couldn't have come sooner.

Riding on this line of logic, Sakura pushed herself to overcome the several stalled tries that'd stolen a good few minutes from her. The knuckles of her hand finally touched the smooth surface of oak in front of her. Yet, her mental effort couldn't make up for what she lacked in confidence in her current situation. Her uncertainty manifested in the form of softest knocks that made herself wonder if they could even be heard on the other side.

A minute longer of quietness surrounded her in the long stretch of hallway, and Sakura swayed, caught between the choices of trying again, or running away from what she was sure was going to be a difficult conversation. Before her psychology could suffer a bout of approach-avoidance conflicts, however, she picked up the faint padding of footsteps from behind the door. All of a sudden, the footsteps weren't the only things that she heard as her heart began to drum heavily in her chest, the rhythm loud enough to drown the sound of those steps in her ears. All of a sudden, she felt all but prepared. Her own legs shook, ready to make her flee.

With a click of the handle, the door started to swing just as she concluded it was too late for her to change her mind, and her heart beat even more fiercely. There was no more avoiding it, Sakura insisted upon herself. The indoor light streamed through the opening, framing the outline of the tall form that eventually materialized at the threshold between the hallway and the room. A rush of emotions flooded her in that instant, as she met eye-to-eye the man whose absence from her life this week felt strangely like years. The muscles around her eyes quivered the slightest as she took in the sight of his flaming red hair, still adorably messy as she'd last made them; and his ocean-like turquoise eyes drilling into her soul. It took a bit of her willpower to quash the part of her brain clamoring for her to just reach out and close their distance. Just one touch, it coaxed.

Her script didn't immediately come to her, as she wordlessly regarded Gaara and realized then that she really had no script for this scene. Instead, she studied him in the silence that either party has yet to break. The bare hint of surprise flitted across his features, before a line appeared over the ridge of his brows from the way his forehead wrinkled. There was subdued pensiveness in his face which told her that he was very much aware of the type of situation they were in now, so did the manner in which he waited, neither initiating nor withdrawing; seemingly wanting her to dictate the direction of where their interactions should go. And Sakura appreciated the gesture.

"Can we talk?" she said, while releasing a sigh that calmed her heart yet weighed it down.

The somber tone she didn't deliberately try to hide added sullenness to their backdrop. Those jade orbs stayed on her with a flickering of muted curiosity. Gaara nodded. He took a graceful step to the side, and his body slanted in a motion to invite her into the room.

At the walk space created for her entry, Sakura shot her eyes forward and inside then back. She breathed in and out deeply, feeling her insides rile like feathers had been ruffled. Accepting this invitation could very likely undo what she'd built herself up to tonight. And she absolutely couldn't let herself fall into the temptation for one more risky night together. Hence she steeled herself.

"Not here…"

Her assertion came out sounding unintentionally tentative, rather. During the fleeting pause in which Sakura held Gaara's contemplative gaze, she silently cursed herself for the determination that she couldn't actualize no matter how many times she'd practiced this scenario in her head. One syllable of objection from the man before her could dissolve the courage she'd worked up, she knew that and she prayed he wouldn't be so cruel to test her will now.

So she was grateful when Gaara decidedly obliged her. Plucking the room key card out of the wall slot and sliding it into the pocket of his pants, the redhead crossed the threshold and pulled close the door behind him. They now both stood in the empty hallway. Side by side, his tall built was more distinguished against her own, and his earthy and cinnamon-mixed scent hung closer to her senses.

Rising in place of her earlier uncertainty then was her nervousness. Sakura chose to concentrate on the mechanics of her walking, as she turned and led the two of them away from his hotel room.

Without question or protest Gaara followed her, falling by a step behind, however; close to but never alongside her in their silent trek. This subtle, nuanced action did not escape Sakura's awareness, but she did nothing to change it. Frowning, she could only assume that her current dour mood was at fault for this foreign way in which they now had to conduct themselves around each other.

The self-confession that she didn't know where she was going came as soon as she passed through the gates of the hotel building. She didn't have a place in mind; she just knew she needed a neutral ground for them to talk. Trusting that her feet would eventually, somehow, take her where she needed to be in her aimless meandering, she chose to drown herself in the tidal waves of thoughts that swept through her head and fed into their unbroken torturous silence.

A gust of wind blew her hair over her face, and Sakura pushed her bangs out of her eyes. She looked up to the sky. The small chance of precipitation that the weather channel forecast for tonight became more than likely, as thick dark clouds gathered overhead. If the lateness of the hour wasn't what had already ushered people home, then the low rumbles of the approaching storm were sure to deter them from being out and about on these late night streets.

Perhaps this was a sign from the heavens that even it was in disagreement with what she'd set out to do... Sakura entertained this notion wryly. But knowing she couldn't possibly justify a change of heart on the grounds of superstition, she could but quicken her pace.

When the silhouettes of elm trees began to shade the stony path she now trod, Sakura wondered if her subconscious actually possessed a twisted sense of humor to have steered her to this particular location. Not far from her, the teasingly familiar wooden bench that sat at the edge of her peripherals baited her for the memory of that fateful night when her emotions have finally spiraled out of control, when it'd all started... That seemed almost forever ago.

The heels of her sandals clacked to a stop. This was as good a destination as anywhere, Sakura ultimately resolved; suspecting she would've otherwise toured all of Konoha tonight and still without a word uttered of what had to be told.

The multicolored lights of the cityscape dazzled in the backdrop, around the clearing where she stood now on top of the Hokage Rock. But they didn't brighten her mood that was as heavy and gloomy as the foreboding clouds above. Sakura heaved a deep sigh and twisted her body around to her companion who'd also stopped and stood within an earshot from her. There was no more avoiding it, she re-emphasized to herself.

The desertedness of the space she'd led them to at this hour offered a sense of privacy and secrecy. Tough paranoia still had her head turn at every angle for recognizable faces, before Sakura finally focused on the red-haired man just to recognize that this was the end to a hard journey that was her last twenty minutes or so; and in a way, the beginning of another...

Before her, his presence felt no less towering now than when he was trailing behind her earlier in their dead quiet, making goosebumps form on the skin of her back. His patience for her that seemed infinite at this point in time was starting to grate on her nerves, because deep down she hoped that he'd speak up first, wanting the smallest sign even in this last moment to give her a reason to rethink her decision. But when he persisted in his respectful silence, she sadly acknowledged that she was only being foolish in her wishful thinking.

"Sasuke is back..." Her bare-bone statement came out in a dry voice. Unsure of what else to add, she could only hope that this would be all the explanation needed to pave the way for her point to get across.

Sakura's eyes found Gaara's. The nervousness she'd tried to suppress earlier doubled. Her stomach churned uneasily, and she was ready to flinch at his reaction to Sasuke's name—even if it were something so small such as a twitch of the face. But none came. His gaze on her was still intent, and his unchanging expression confirmed her long-held speculation that this news was not news to him after all…

Opening and closing her mouth, she let out a shaky breath in place of the line that she'd rehearsed in her head a good dozen times but could still not produce.

Eyebrows drawn together, Sakura bit down on her lower lip and stared at Gaara with weariness. Gradually but surely, a tinge of exasperation blended into her whirlpool of emotions at the moment at his continued muteness.

Why was he not saying anything? What was going through his head? Why...

She faltered.

...was he not trying to change her mind...

But what was Gaara to say, she acknowledged then, when he wasn't privy to the thoughts she had yet to divulge just as she wasn't to the inner workings of his mind?

At her own stupidity, Sakura bitterly laughed within herself. And so went away the last opportunity to validate whether what they had between them meant as much to him as to her.

"We..." Sakura started again, managing her voice just above a whisper.

The winds greeted them again as the harbinger of the storm, agitating leaves of the trees and plants around them.

These next words were stuck in her throat, caught in a tug of war between the voice of reason in her head and her strangely aching heart. Sakura tasted iron on her bottom lip that was being abused by her unmerciful biting teeth. At this rate, the day could break, and she still would not make her purpose known.

Shuttering her eyes close, Sakura remembered the family pictures that decorated the walls of her apartment; the broad smiles of her daughter in those frames were the particular reminder why she was there tonight, the reason for her to preserve her marriage and right her wrongs.

And this man in front of her, he didn't belong in her reality... and she needed to snap out of it.

Raising her resolute eyes to Gaara, Sakura willed her mouth to move. Through her constricted vocal cords, she forced out those agonizing words:

"We can't continue…"

Just like that, everything they've shared up to this point dismissed in a matter of minutes, every possible meaningful interaction made irrelevant in these three simple words...

The pressure on her chest only grew, even after the weighty sentiment was let free. Her burst of resolve dissipated almost instantly, and Sakura couldn't keep her eyes on her companion anymore to see what was to come. Downward to the ground her dull gaze fell, as did something that dropped to the pit of her stomach.

Her declaration was vague at best, but she hoped Gaara would comprehend her message. It was the kinder way to put it, as opposed to telling him straight up to never show up at her home or expect her to knock on his door again.

It was the proper ending, in her own one-sided opinion. She owed him this much, after all that he's done for her, she'd told herself; and she didn't suppose that she could just leave things between them in limbo and hope the feelings would just fizzle out on their own...

But a proper ending to what? Her inner self mocked. Whatever it was and could've been between herself and Gaara, she had yet to figure out and might never do...

When the rustling of the foliage was yet what she heard, Sakura wondered if those words of hers had indeed been drowned out by the whistling of the wind.

Contrary to her prediction, the moment of stillness between them remained only a second longer than her last thought; and what gave movement to her statue-like form was his voice:

"Is that all?"

Controlled was his expression; slow and deliberate was his tone, but there was a kind of eerie calmness in it that chilled her more than the night air on her bare arms. The manner in which he spoke to her wasn't something she was used to. It was a cutting contrast to the tenderness he'd shown her.

Gaara's question, it was the first thing she heard from him tonight, in well over a week... and might very well be the last ever, if she didn't respond appropriately...

No. That's not all.

She so wanted to tell him but pitifully fell short of making a sound. Memories she'd intended to lock away flashed and emotions whirled within her, causing a lump in her throat that she couldn't swallow. There were so many things she wanted to say, but she didn't know how to put them into coherent sentences. Helpless, Sakura chose to rest her eyes on the ground instead while her brain tried to sort the thoughts that became jumbled together in her head.

But it wasn't fair that mere seconds was all he gave her before his footfalls told her that his patience with her had finally expired. Sakura jolted her head back up toward Gaara just to be met with his retreating back.

It wasn't fair at all that he was already walking away from her so steadily, so easily, his figure disappearing little by little into the spread of the endless darkness of the night.

He'd turned his back on her, a sight that she'd always dreaded.

Almost reflexively, her feet shifted in their spot, but Sakura couldn't bring herself to do more with them.

What had stopped her from stretching her arms out to pull him back into her embrace and tell him to stay all those times before, was the unspoken promise in his smiles that he'd return.

But this time…

The trail of wetness that she felt down her cheek must have been rain drizzles from the imminent downpour, surely. Surely…

This time there was no coming back, she knew. So she hopelessly looked on, her hands trembling at her sides, and let her heart shatter to pieces.