We made our way to Loaves and Fishes. I had to fight down the bile in my throat at the smell of the fish. Fortunately for me, fish wasn't on the menu today. My luck was doubled as the Angel stayed far enough away for me to speak in hushed tones to the Handmaids nearby. Jade and I took our time selecting the groceries we needed, looking for familiar faces beneath each set of wings.

The days passed swiftly by. More often than not, Jade and I hit dead ends. Most of the Handmaids would only speak to Jade, not wanting to be seen associating with an attempted baby killer. Most of the ones either of us trusted weren't assigned to Commanders of high enough rank to attend. Of the few Handmaids that were, fewer were willing to do what it would take to ensure their attendance. But despite our repeated failures, a few were willing to join our ranks: Ofjoseph, Oftony, Ofgavin, and Ofcarlo. So few, but it was better than nothing.

A few days into our efforts, I finally saw Jenna from across the aisle at Milk and Honey inspecting a carton of eggs. I tugged on Jade's sleeve to get her attention. We made eye contact and I crooked a finger in Jenna's direction, the gesture hidden from anyone else by the long, billowing sleeve covering it. Jade dipped her head in acknowledgment.

We waited a minute before seeking her out in the guise of shopping.

"Blessed be the fruit," Jenna greeted without looking up from her task. "Got something for me?"

I took the carton of eggs she handed me. I'd slipped notes in them in the past when there were too many prying eyes for direct contact.

"Not that kind," I whispered. I quickly relayed my meeting with Crow, including the plan to poison as many Commanders as possible before Mayday would come for us, information I hadn't dared share with anyone else, not even Jade.

"I don't know exactly what it will look like when Mayday comes to get us," I continued, "but you know them better than I do, you might recognize some of them. Having you there is going to be a huge help-"

"I'm not coming with you."

The words stopped me cold. For a moment, they had no meaning to me, as if they were a foreign language. Then the weight of them hit me at full force. Of all the girls, I had expected many to refuse out of fear, but never Jenna. The thought of her refusing was incomprehensible to me, after all she had risked.

"I don't understand, I thought your Commander was of high enough rank to attend? You of all people should be able to convince him."

"It's not that I can't go with you," she insisted. "It's that I won't go. Mayday needs me here, not in Canada."

"Haven't you done enough?" I pleaded. "Surely they will understand, after all you've been through. Please, Jenna, I can't do this without you!"

"Ofmartin," she said sharply. "Just because you and a few others might be able to run along and go back to your own lives doesn't mean everyone can. That's great that you have that chance, but others are needed here for the hundreds of others that aren't as lucky as you. If I had exhausted my usefulness, I wouldn't be here."

I felt the rebuke as if it were a slap in the face. I set down the eggs with shaking hands as I fought back tears.

"Blessed day," I choked out. Jade beside me echoed the sentiment and pulled me away.

"Are we in trouble? Do you think she'll tell someone?" she asked as we left Milk and Honey, heading back to the Commanders' houses.

"No, I promise she's safe. I just didn't expect her to refuse is all. She was the Ofmilton before you, we were friends."

"That's the problem, Lucy. You know getting attached to people here only gets you into trouble. You can't help everyone. Just accept that and move on."

We parted at the Thorpes' house. The Angel pressed closer after she left, a shadow lurking over my shoulder though I couldn't see him through my translucent wings.

The house was quiet when I got back. Mrs. Cole and Mrs. Jennings must've gone to visit one of the neighbors. I set the groceries on the kitchen counter, mildly surprised that Anne was nowhere to be seen. She was probably in the garden collecting herbs. Or perhaps picking peaches from one of Mrs. Cole's trees. They were supposed to be ripe this week.

Shrugging, I made my way up the stairs. I turned the corner, puffing from the exertion thanks to the lack of lung capacity. The baby kicked my ribs as if to lord it over me. I winced as I pulled the winged cap off my head. He better not get his foot stuck there again, I thought. He'd been getting into the bad habit lately.

My room.

I was halfway through the door before I noticed it had been thrown open. The bed had been torn apart, and pieces of white fluff coated the floor around it. The headboard split in two. Patches of floorboard lay in splintered heaps around gaping holes. My scarlet robes were strewn around the base of the fallen dresser, like entrails from a corpse.

The Commander sat casually atop the ruined mattress amidst the destruction, rolling something in his palm. He didn't bother to look up as I stood locked in place. It was quiet enough that the ticking of a clock down the hall to mark the dread-filled minutes was the only sound to be heard.

"You've been very…informative, Lucy. It's a shame your usefulness has come to an end. One aspect of it, at least." He said, the conversational tone belying the threat behind the words.

"I'm afraid I don't understand, Commander Cole."

It was my voice that replied, but I didn't feel my lips moving or remember deciding to answer. I was standing behind my body, watching the events play out from just outside the door frame. A strand of dirty blonde hair had fallen from beneath my cap to lie against my neck.

"You don't?" He tilted his head to the side, a mocking smile on his lips that did not meet his eyes. "Tell me then, what do you think of this?"

He extended his hand to reveal two vials, one nearly empty and the other full. A sedative and a poison.

"Our little Maria warned me of your late-night escapades months ago. She keeps tabs on the staff and neighbors for me. People expect Eyes, not women, to be their downfall. They let their guard down around the help. She's very good at what she does. Unlike you. Not that I mind, of course. Seeing just how far you'll go to get what you want is amusing to me."

The clock ticked on. Beads of sweat formed on the nape of my neck. I watched one roll out of sight.

Do you know what Gilead does to spies, Lucy?" He asked,

"They are executed, Commander Cole."

Commander Cole's mouth twitched into a smile. "They are tortured first. How long depends on how easily they break. Or how long they scream after their knowledge has been exhausted, if I'm having a bad day."

"So what happens now?"

"As we speak, your connections are being rounded up for questioning. Honestly, I find it hard to believe that you were stupid enough to recruit Handmaids to your cause right under the nose of an Eye. It's a shame what's to become of them all. Such a waste of fertility. Oh, and a Dr. Everet Frazier and another man by the name of Liam Hopkins who we know met with you a little over a month ago are in our custody. We've been tracking the two of them since then and uncovered quite the infestation of terrorists thanks to you."

"And as for you, you are the lucky one since you carry my child in your womb. You get to live long enough to see each one of them killed before your eyes. Once you've given birth, you'll be allowed to follow your dear friends to whatever Hell awaits traitors to God's country. If you are a good little girl, I'll let you live until my child is weaned."

It was a strange sensation, feeling half of me overwhelmed with panic like a lead weight in my stomach and a vice so strong I could not breathe all while the other half felt nothing at all. All these months I'd spent thinking I was undermining the Commander, thinking I was helping bring down Gilead all while playing into Commander Cole's hand all along. I'd failed. Truly, utterly, horrifically failed. Failed Mayday, failed the other Handmaids, failed Jenna and Jade, and failed my child who would now never know safety or freedom. So much hope extinguished with a breath.

The front door burst open and several pairs of heavy footsteps marched up the stairs. A thickly gloved hand clamped over my mouth, shoving a gag in my mouth as I was dragged backward. A black cloth bag was thrown over my head. I screamed through the gag and threw my head back with as much force as I could muster. My head flared with pain and I heard a dull crunch followed by cursing as my attacker's nose broke.

I tried to pull the bag from my head, only for my hands to be clamped in the vice-like grip of someone unseen. I kicked out in front of me, only to have them likewise secured. I earned a blow to the head for my efforts, then was carried outside. The crunching of gravel was followed by the opening a series of doors before I was set down. I thrashed on the ground, desperately hoping to break free, but was swiftly pinned by several sets of hands.

My wrists were bound behind my back and shackles were placed on my ankles. A chain connected the shackles to something too heavy for me to move no matter how hard I tugged against it. The hands released me and I heard a door slam shut. The lock clicked a moment later.

It took some effort, but I managed to spit out the gag and wiggle out of the bag covering my head. The room was pitch black but for a small red dot up above my head. I struggled to stand. Without my hands in front of me and my stomach bulging and inflexible, it was nearly impossible to do so. Eventually, I succeeded and hit a smooth wall. I walked along it, exploring the ground with my feet. I could only touch two of the walls before the chain pulled taut. There were no doors, windows, furniture, outlets, or anything at all that I could feel. Only darkness.

I screamed.