Chapter 3: How to Disappear
A/N: So I'm back in college with a full plate amid all that's going on in the world. I'm maintaining a good head space so I wanted this chapter out before I jump into any schoolwork. I'm still in the process of regaining my creative drive for In My Dreams, so bear with me and enjoy this for the time being. I'm dealing with life right now.
P.S: I am NOT in any way glorifying or romanticizing sexual assault. I feel like I have to say this before people start writing think pieces in the reviews. Ion wanna see that shit. This is fiction - treat it as such and keep it moving.
That crushing weight in your chest refused to recede, pulse beating loudly in your ears as you drowned out any background noise or conversation between your unassuming friends. The last thing you wanted was for your naked body to be posted on the internet. The effects on your life would be devastating. The very thought of having someone visually capturing you at your most vulnerable and exposed without your consent just didn't sit well with you. The nerve of him to film the depraved things he was doing to you while you were drugged out of your mind. Your memory of that night was still hazy at best.
Being caught in the cross hairs with a crime lord of horrendous magnitude definitely classified as an occupational hazard. You had to be cautious and navigate the potential danger of the situation closely.
You typed a quick message. "Who is this?"
You were not at all surprised when he skipped the formalities and got straight down to business.
"You know who this is...my dick was inside you allll night gorgeous. I surely hope you didn't forget so soon. I can always remind you."
The hair on the back of your neck now stood at attention. The words were so filthy and vulgar, it was exactly the type of response you were expecting from him.
"That will never happen again. I know who you are." The infamous Joker. A man who radiated an aura of chaotic danger and who didn't play by the rules of society; wasn't capable of abiding by or even acknowledging civility.
"Of course you do. Everyone who's everyone knows who I am."
In that instant, you bristled at his mocking tone. To hear his voice again was chilling. "You have to delete those photos. I never gave you consent to take them." To make matters worse, you weren't sure you were capable of appointing legal help that would be willing to go up against such a dangerous character.
"And what makes you think I need your consent?" The implications of his callous words carried were a source of worry and contention with you. You felt nauseated and worse of all the fucker didn't seem to have the capacity to to think of your state of mind.
Panic surged through her to the point where it was too difficult to think properly, good thing defiance masked the fear in your voice. "If you don't delete them, I'm going straight to the police."
Obviously unconcerned with the threat or your subsequent distress, Joker responded with a playful, "Go right ahead. In fact, I'm thinking I might have them framed."
That statement really set the tone for the entire conversation. The man was wicked. He seemed to be deliberately blackmailing you with revenge porn. You remembered how he made you feel that night and it wasn't a justification for anything that was taking place now. Just listening to him snicker with delight made you wish that you'd never garnered his twisted affection.
The mounting frustration was well past insufferable for your state of mind. "You'd better delete those photos right fucking now!"
"I don't care too much for your tone doll face. You'd better correct it right fucking now." It was a clear threat. A threat you know he could make good on considering the type of man he was. If he could even be called a man. In all actually, you would never forgive him for slipping you a drug in the first place. Such a disgusting act was exactly from someone like him.
"Fuck you."
"You already did that remember?" It was as if his life goal was to fuck with people and you had to say that he was doing an amazing job. You got the impression that he got a major kick out of it too.
"No you drugged me."
"Semantics."
"Bullshit."
You phone lit up with a call from the unknown number soon after and you thanked god that the ringer was off. There was no way you could've predicted that he would be so bold as to call your phone and expect you to answer with no issue. The fucking audacity.
You pressed the side button to send it to voicemail, unsurprised when a second call was made right after. While it rung you send him another message.
Rejection would cause you to be in all the more danger than you currently were but there wasn't a chance in hell you would bow to his demands. Call it stupid, reckless, or anything else in between. You didn't give a damn. The domineering asshole wasn't allowed to play with your life in such a manner. You were too headstrong for that. Morality be damned. The Joker was bad news either way one tried to split it. It made you wish you'd never went in search of the bathroom at the club that night. And no matter how much you prayed to God that it would just blow over and be forgotten you knew that that would not be the case. He should've gotten his fill of you that night. This was too much for your normal little life.
"It's not up for discussion and I'm not going to bargain with you about it."
The second call soon went to voicemail and soon after another message came through.
"If you don't answer the fucking call you're gonna regret it." You barely had enough time to properly read it before the phone lit up once more. As careful as you could not to alert your friends, you silently went into the bathroom down the hall, locking the door behind you. With no more pretense for stalling, you had to take a few calming breaths before pressing the button and placing the phone to your ear.
"Good girl." Disparaging praise from his condescending lips made you recoil in disgust, heavy tension settled in your shoulders. "I knew you would listen. I was afraid that I would actually have to go through with what I planned."
While it was clear he had no problems taking advantage of you, if he even sensed a shred of emotional vulnerability or fragility he would waste no time capitalizing on it. He couldn't give you any fucking ultimatums. How in the hell would he have knowledge of your location? The thought of him showing up was petrifying and you didn't even want to chance it.
"I bet you didn't even tell your friends about us. I'd be more than happy to face fuck you in front of them."
"You're sick."
"Yes, people keep telling me that." You could faintly hear muffled screaming in the background. Was he torturing someone?
"What do you want?"
This was dangerous, being involved with him could potentially change the quality of your life and not for the better. The worrying part was that you weren't exactly sure of the scope of what he was capable of doing. His threats were not simply threats in your book. For some, his threats could mean a death sentence or worse. But what could be worse than death? The fear that you thought you'd pushed down had returned fully renewed and crept over you like a tidal wave while you did your best not to alert your friends of the peril you were trapped in at the moment. In your mind, there wasn't any benefit of informing them of what was happening. You couldn't force your problems unto them. It wasn't their job to fix it was yours.
"That is a great question! What do I want?"
The only thing you were remotely worried about was the consequences. What would happen if you pissed off the most vicious crime boss known to man? From the little you knew about him, you could ascertain that the man possessed an arsenal of tools he could use to make your life a living hell. You questioned yourself about this while anxiety simmered underneath the surface of your façade of normalcy. Containing your composure was evident. He couldn't be allowed to get you out of your element.
"Oh I know! I want you and I to become great friends. Close friends."
He was mentally deranged. He murdered and incited violence merely because it suited him. What right did he have to try and place binding on your life?
"That won't be possible."
"Its possible because I fuckin say so. Now close your fuckin mouth and listen."
He knew that you were indefatigably defiant and it was obviously something he liked. You had to wonder how much he knew about you beyond what you looked like naked.
"Little girls aren't capable of making adult decisions." he crooned. "But you already knew that don't ya?"
"Here what's going to happen. I call, you come. Simple as that. But don't be thrown off by that - I'll be sure to make it worth your while."
He wore cockiness and self-assuredness like outer skin and that bothered you more than anything. He was used to getting his way. Used to intimidating people. What was he getting out of this besides the enjoyment from tormenting you?
"Do hope we can play together again real soon. I'll be watching you." The line quickly went dead after that.
You didn't really feel like deciphering all the little riddles and innuendos that left his mouth. It all sounded like dialogue written for a villain and you were not in any mood for it. He wanted compliance that you weren't capable of giving. In practical terms, you did your absolute best to make it apparent that you had no intention of reciprocating his unwanted feelings and ensure that he got the message. He was out of his rabbit ass mind if he thought this was going to be prolonged in any facet. His motive seemed insidious from the get go. You wanted zero to do with him.
A look in the mirror showed your face oddly composed despite the storm brewing on the inside.
How were you supposed to sleep well after this exchange? Despite multiple attempts to shake it, your mind was still weighed down with dread. Least of all, you could not assume the life of a paranoid rabbit - you just couldn't do it. In fact, you were taught not to run away from your problems but face them head on. Even if this was an extraordinary circumstance. Only an idiot would try their luck with someone like him.
You'd rather not be burdened with stress and anxiety right now. The only logical thing you could do was ignore the threat, perhaps if you did that it would go away. Fade into nothing. Wishful thing but it was the best thing you could hope for. This town had taken so much from you and you'd only been here for two days. First thing in the morning, you would hop on the first plane back to New York where you belonged; where you should've stayed to begin with. People mess up when they delay their decisions and right now that was something you couldn't afford to do. From now on, if your friends wanted to see you, they'd better visit you in New York because that was no way in hell you'd come back to the god forsaken town.
How were you supposed to get a good night's rest while dealing with a fried brain?
Having to wake up at the ass crack of dawn wasn't anyone's cup of tea. However, you did not mind at all. You were a hundred percent willing to miss extra sleeping time if you got home fast enough. Candice noticed how closed off you'd become since the previous night and started badgering you about why that was. She refused to let up until Diamond suggested that I was probably sad about having to leave. If only she knew how wrong she was. Still, you provided no explanation to confirm or deny their suspicions.
While you hugged both friends tight Diamond threw out a "Come back soon." and you responded with your best Joseline Hernandez impression. "You sound stupid. You sound stupid and you sound a mess bitch." The two of them laughed so loud that nearly half of the people in the airport terminal turned to look at the three of you. They wouldn't have to worry about your ass stepping one foot back to Gotham. Hell you were still stuck on being caught up in a robbery with one of them and the both of them weren't that phased about it. Anyone who grew up in a black with sense would've gotten the fuck on down much earlier. Your friends must have a screw loose to continue to live here. A good job wasn't enough to make you stay.
In your opinion, the place should be burned to the ground and sprinkled with holy water. If the clown prince had his way, which in all likelihood he would, he'd surely see that it did happen.
The invasive searches and long lines were endured with more grace than you could've thought due to the fact that you were looking to hop on a plane and go home as soon as possible.
You didn't have a single dream last night which by your own account was wholly uncharacteristic especially since you had at least one each night. It was probably for the best since your stress might've turned the dream into a nightmare. Truthfully, you hadn't slept that well at all.
The worrisome thoughts would not leave you for another seventy-two hours. In a situation like yours, it was normal - some might even say 'required' to be concerned about the outcome. By textbook definition - you were in fact sexually assaulted with the help of an unknown substance. The drug itself didn't seem to have any long lasting effects on your body. Though you couldn't say that you were traumatized verbatim, however you were immensely unsettled deep down in your soul. Everything wasn't so cut and dry and you were swept up in a whirlwind of confusion. This couldn't be perceived as something other than it actually was.
Contemplation of the situation at hand brought forth the question of 'what was to come of it?'. What now? Were you supposed to seek help about your experience? Your sexual assault? The words left a bad taste in your mouth even if you didn't physically speak them. Did you have to develop coping skills?
Who in the hell could you confide in about something like this? It would have to be someone you trusted, someone who wouldn't pry too much into the graphic details. That automatically excluded your parents and friends right off the bat.
You still needed time to effectively process the whole experience as it was if you were being honest. Even though you knew it couldn't be avoided forever. Something like this couldn't be pushed to the back of your mind and forgotten. One thing was for certain, you desperately needed to feel safer in your own body. By safe you meant mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as well. Your body didn't feel like yours any more. Almost like someone putting something on layaway at a store. Having never been in a position like this before, it would probably be difficult to to feel like yourself once again as weird as that sounded.
It had been a full three days since you were back home and you found that being productive only lasted in short bursts. You just were not full of energy. A dark cloud seemed to be lingering over you everyday since you'd returned and you were willing to do whatever it took to get rid of it.
It was mid January, all the colorful leaves were stripped from the trees leaving them completely bare. Outside the sun was being obscured by deep, gray clouds and you're thinking that it might rain within the hour. The mere thought is more refreshing to picture. You loved a good rain albeit that fact you would prefer it to be sunny to improve your mood. Frankly, the sky resembled Gotham's in a way - only that the sky here was temporary while Gotham's bleak visual seemed never-ending. You clenched your teeth when you realized your thoughts were shifting towards a dark place again. You didn't need to be reminded.
The various plug-ins around the apartment filled the space with the scent of white rose which you were surprised that it hadn't faded by now. You'd spent too much on them for them not to last long. Pushing your heavy bed cover back, you sat on the edge for a few moments before moving towards the small balcony where your potted plants were. If it did rain at least they would get water today. The wind chill was icy enough to where it immediately gave you goosebumps. The holidays were just about the only thing associated with the plunging temperatures and cold weather. Thanksgiving and Christmas were spent at your parents house with your little brother Josh who was four years younger than you. He brought his girlfriend to the house for the first time to meet your parents. You father only liked her because she slightly resemble Toni Braxton while you mother was just happy he brought someone home.
You felt the first small drop hit your forehead. You released a sigh of relief and moved towards the bathroom to get ready for your shift at work.
Your soft music playlist mostly consisted of songs from an underground artist named Laurel whom you absolutely adored. Her voice never failed to to soothe your chaotic soul in its time of unrest.
It wasn't hard to admit that you were still a bit shaken by the events of the past few days, in fact, it was relatively easy. You refused to have these troublesome thoughts hovering over your subconscious for too long. Could it be the shock of inevitable change that cripples you with fear and unease? After much time spent in a social setting, you often needed to spend even greater time alone as a way of recharging energy. You wonder why that is. Spending hours away from others was like a means of restoring one's self to a rejuvenated version - lest you struggle with the restlessness associated with a negative mind. Without this, you would not be equipped to deal with the weight of a hundred problems within a single setting.
You always need space to rest, to feel, to introspect and to express. That space leads to growth. Growth that would not be hindered by a man filled with infinite malice. When you left that city you were supposed to leave everything else behind as well. You were a genuinely happy woman, always humble to others, and speaking to maintain that happiness all throughout life. You were certainly the nicest and most welcoming or your friends.
Yet, you were a firm believer that everything happened for a reason. Was karma serving you a notice or something? What terrible thing had you done to deserve this you wondered.
While it seemed to be an easy workload in the beginning - as time went on you quickly came to the conclusion that you weren't wired for an office job. However, you did see why some people preferred them. Essentially, you were not a manual labor or retail kind of person either. It was a fairly decent job and you constantly reminded yourself that there were people out there that had it worse.
Seeing the same visual setting everyday really took a toll on people you didn't care what anyone else had to say. There was a built-in coffee shop near the lobby area that you enjoyed going over to once in a while. Besides that the office setting wasn't really for you in the grand scheme of things. Everyday you showed up contemplating whether or not you wanted to call-in from the parking lot. Unless you planned to become a millionaire by tomorrow, then this boring eight hour job was where you had to stay for the time being.
Other than the one tolerable coworker you could hold a normal conversation with, the job itself was inherently repetitive and monotonous. Some days it was so quiet that you feared others could hear your loud thoughts. With your annoying short attention span, it was hard to focus on doing some mindless task for hours without your mind wandering off into the deep void of consciousness. Keeping yourself busy did make time go by much faster, if you were able to find something that is. Playing computer games instead of performing your tasks would ultimately result in your manager calling you into his office for a little 'talk' or rather him just using that as an excuse to hit on you despite the fact that he'd already been turned down numerous times before.
You'd received so many inappropriate comments and invitations it was a wonder how many times he would ask again before he finally gave up. If you caught him staring at your ass one more time you'd mush in the face. To top it off, you were certain that he was sexually harassing other female employees as well. Someone would be contacting HR soon, you counted on it.
You refused to remain huddled in bed another day. Your mental health was at stake and you were determined to conquer the harsh realities of the world one day at a time. Instead you chose to only spend time doing activities that brought you some inner peace. One major activity consisted of doing wash day for your hair. Like most women, you needed to have your whole day clear. Wash day was like a sport for some people, you being one of those people. Having to detangle was probably the worst for you. You were mindful not to use the whole jar of conditioner since it damn near cost an arm and a leg. Instead of the usual thirty minute conditioning, you opted to leave it in for about an hour and a half.
Your apartment wasn't the most glamorous in the city but you took care of it like a mansion. You kept it tidy and smelling good all the time. As usual Josh grumbled about you going overboard about the décor of your place.
You'd gotten a pet fish because you didn't feel like responsible enough for a dog or cat. You'd had the colorful Betta fish that you managed to snap up from a pet store going out of business and had it for about a year and a half now. You named him Sammy since you didn't know if the fish was male or female. Sammy seemed pretty gender neutral. You didn't have to worry about a fish making loud noises, needing a bath, or needing to be taken out for a walk. Plus your carpet would remain unsoiled as well. With your modest funds, you tried to make Sammy's tank as lavish as possible. In the tank were accessories from amazon like a little house and fake ferns. It had become a little hobby of yours and you didn't play on stopping anytime soon. One thing you knew how to do better than anything else was spend money.
As you walked down the hallway leaving to the kitchen, your front door opened and you stopped dead in your tracks thinking someone had to have lost their mind if they would just walk into your home like this. You were just about to reach for a glass figurine when your brother's face came into view. He should be grateful because you were the undisputed dodge ball queen in middle and high school. Your throw would've landed him in the hospital and you would never hear the end of it from your parents.
"Don't just be walking in my house!" You bellowed. "You were about to get dealt with."
His signature goofy smile broke out over his face. "I told you I was coming by. Why is your door unlocked in the first place?"
He would decide to stop by while you were in the middle of deep conditioning your hair. As your little brother, you guessed it was essential for him to be annoying as all hell.
"Unlocked or not that doesn't mean just walk in."
"Yeah. Whatever. What you got to eat in the kitchen?" He asked, gliding right past you. This was normal behavior for him, to seek out the kitchen as soon as he entered someone's house. Josh could clean out someone's pantry quickly.
You rolled your eyes, following him. "I know you got food at your house. And don't touch my graham crackers either."
"I'm not gonna touch your old dry ass crackers." He said, opening up the refrigerator to look inside before snickering. "Why did you got that bag on your head?"
You settled comfortably in a chair near your small island. "Josh don't start with me. Why are you really here?"
Closing the refrigerator door, Josh opened a soda and took a sip from it, leaning back against the counter. "Shaina wanna move in with me but I think it's too soon."
Your eyebrows lifted up. "Ya'll have only been dating for like six months right?"
"Just about."
"Well, I think that if you don't want her to move-in then just tell her that."
"See that's the problem. She acts like she can't take no for an answer."
And now they got to the root of the issue. Josh has always had a hard time telling people no. He worries about disappointing others often. "Josh, she can't force you to do anything you don't want to do!"
"I know that it's just...I feel like I'm being pressured by her to do stuff that I'm not fully comfortable with yet. We might be moving a little too fast for me."
"Yeah. Probably. So what are you gonna do?"
"I don't know."
Your brother was a bit of a goofball and way too trusting to those who didn't really deserve it. The both of you often confided in each other about your problems no matter how big or small they might seem. You and Josh were very close in that aspect and would do anything for the other in a heartbeat. Even if the both of you were angry with each other it usually didn't last long. He could offer that comfort and familiarity that you needed right now.
Sitting in the kitchen, you were full of self-conscious hesitancy that was hard to overcome. This would be the perfect time to tell him about what went on in Gotham. But what was the proper way to explain a plight like yours? Apprehension closed around your throat like a vice. You didn't know how to do this. A pit of uncertainty and nervousness swirled deep in your stomach. The idea of telling him sounded much easier in your head. Jesus you were so conflicted it was pathetic.
"You okay?" Concern was written all over his face. You hadn't even realized that your heartbeat had spiked so much that it was nearly giving you a headache.
A moment of hesitation passed. "Yeah." You refused to let the emotional storm loose in front of him. And what good would it do to recoil in shame? Josh wouldn't be able to handle the bombshell you would drop on him, you just knew it. He would be out for blood and it wouldn't even understand that he didn't stand a chance. If The Joker hurt your brother, if he hurt any of your family, you didn't know what you would do. What he would do to them would be nothing short of horrific.
"You sure?"
"I'm sure." You maintained complete silence for a while, hoping that Josh would take your word and move on. But you knew him better than that. You recognized that fierce, protective gleam in his eyes. Josh was the easiest person to joke, talk, and get along with. To see him upset usually took a lot.
The thought of your family even knowing suddenly terrified you. If they found out they would want revenge.
You made the decision that it was best to handle it on your own. As much as it painted you to keep something like this from family and friends - the options were limited at this point. You simply didn't have the courage you thought.
If you ended up falling apart, then you would do it alone. You would get through this with or without anyone's help.