TWELVE
SLEEP CAME RELUCTANTLY THAT NIGHT and I tossed and turned for a long time before finally going under. An hour or so later, I sat up in bed, trying to relax and sort out the emotions coming to me. Lissa. Scared and upset. Unstable. The night's events suddenly came rushing back to me as I went through what could be bothering her. The queen humiliating her.
That got Tatiana a few glares.
Mia. Maybe even Christian—he could have found her for all I knew. Yet…none of those was the problem right now. Buried within her, there was something else. Something terribly wrong. I climbed out of bed, dressed hastily, and considered my options. I had a third-floor room now—way too high to climb down from, particularly since I had no Ms. Karp to patch me up this time.
"Glad to see that she has started thinking things through," Janine said with a small smile. Alberta and Dimitri nodded agreeing with her.
I would never be able to sneak out of the main hall. That only left going through the "appropriate" channels.
Everyone looked at Alberta who in turn was looking at Dimitri
"Where do you think you're going?" One of the matrons who supervised my hall looked up from her chair. She sat stationed at the end of the hall, near the stairs going down. During the day, that stairwell had loose supervision. At night, we might as well have been in jail. I crossed my arms. "I need to see Dim—Guardian Belikov." "It's late." "It's an emergency." She looked me up and down. "You seem okay to me." "You're going to be in so much trouble tomorrow when everyone finds out you stopped me from reporting what I know." "Tell me." "It's private guardian stuff."
"Would that work?" Christian asked looking at Alberta
"Probably," Alberta started, "It mostly depends on how urgent she sounds,"
I gave her as hard a stare as I could manage. It must have worked, because she finally stood up and pulled out a cell phone. She called someone—Dimitri, I hoped—but murmured too low for me to hear. We waited several minutes, and then the door leading to the stairs opened. Dimitri appeared, fully dressed and alert, though I felt pretty sure we'd pulled him out of bed.
"Perfect like always," Olena smiled proudly at her only son
He took one look at me. "Lissa." I nodded. Without another word, he turned around and started back down the stairs. I followed. We walked across the quad in silence, toward the imposing Moroi dorm. It was "night" for the vampires, which meant it was daytime for the rest of the world. Mid-afternoon sun shone with a cold, golden light on us. The human genes in me welcomed it and always sort of regretted how Moroi light sensitivity forced us to live in darkness most of the time.
The dhampirs in the room nodded understanding the feeling, they two all secretly enjoyed the sunlight
Lissa's hall matron gaped when we appeared, but Dimitri was too intimidating to oppose. "She's in the bathroom," I told them. When the matron started to follow me inside, I wouldn't let her. "She's too upset. Let me talk to her alone first." Dimitri considered. "Yes. Give them a minute." I pushed the door open. "Liss?" A soft sound, like a sob, came from within. I walked down five stalls and found the only one closed. I knocked softly. "Let me in," I said, hoping I sounded calm and strong. I heard a sniffle, and a few moments later, the door unlatched. I wasn't prepared for what I saw. Lissa stood before me…covered in blood.
Everyone in the room froze, no one liked the idea of Lissa covered in blood.
Horrified, I squelched a scream and almost called for help. Looking more closely, I saw that a lot of the blood wasn't actually coming from her. It was smeared on her, like it had been on her hands and she'd rubbed her face. She sank to the floor, and I followed, kneeling before her. "Are you okay?" I whispered. "What happened?" She only shook her head, but I saw her face crumple as more tears spilled from her eyes. I took her hands. "Come on. Let's get you cleaned—" I stopped. She was bleeding after all.
"No," Christian whispered, he couldn't imagine that Lissa would purposely harm herself.
"How did you not know?" Tatiana demanded, looking at Alberta
"Kirova handles all of the moroi's, the dhampirs are my responsibility," Alberta bowed her head, she did not like how the queen was treating her
Perfect lines crossed her wrists, not near any crucial veins, but enough to leave wet, red tracks across her skin. She hadn't hit her veins when she did this; death hadn't been her goal. She met my eyes. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean…Please don't let them know…" she sobbed. "When I saw it, I freaked out." She nodded toward her wrists. "This just happened before I could stop. I was upset…" "It's okay," I said automatically, wondering what "it" was. "Come on." I heard a knock on the door. "Rose?" "Just a sec," I called back. I took her to the sink and rinsed the blood off her wrists. Grabbing the first-aid kit, I hastily put some Band-Aids on the cuts. The bleeding had already slowed. "We're coming in," the matron called.
"No, they have to see, how ells will they be able to help her," Tatiana practically yelled at the book.
"Aunty you know that they can't hear you right?" Adrian smirked at Tatiana who just glared at him
I jerked off my hoodie sweatshirt and quickly handed it to Lissa. She had just pulled it on when Dimitri and the matron entered. He raced to our sides in an instant, and I realized that in hiding Lissa's wrists, I'd forgotten the blood on her face. "It's not mine," she said quickly, seeing his expression. "It…it's the rabbit…" Dimitri assessed her, and I hoped he wouldn't look at her wrists.
"Well next time I will look at her writs," Dimitri said more to himself then anyone ells
When he seemed satisfied she had no gaping wounds, he asked, "What rabbit?" I was wondering the same thing. With shaking hands, she pointed at the trash can. "I cleaned it up. So Natalie wouldn't see." Dimitri and I both walked over and peered into the can. I pulled myself away immediately, swallowing back my stomach's need to throw up. I don't know how Lissa knew it was a rabbit. All I could see was blood. Blood and blood-soaked paper towels. Globs of gore I couldn't identify.
The moroi in the room all paled they too did not like what was being described
The smell was horrible. Dimitri shifted closer to Lissa, bending down until they were at eye level. "Tell me what happened." He handed her several tissues. "I came back about an hour ago. And it was there. Right there in the middle of the floor. Torn apart. It was like it had…exploded." She sniffed. "I didn't want Natalie to find it, didn't want to scare her…so I-I cleaned it up. Then I just couldn't…I couldn't go back…" She began to cry, and her shoulders shook.
Christian felt sorry for Lissa, he just wanted to comfort her
I could figure out the rest, the part she didn't tell Dimitri. She'd found the rabbit, cleaned up, and freaked out. Then she'd cut herself, but it was the weird way she coped with things that upset her. "No one should be able to get into those rooms!"
That just confused everyone; they all wanted to know who would do that,
exclaimed the matron. "How is this happening?" "Do you know who did it?" Dimitri's voice was gentle. Lissa reached into her pajama pocket and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. It had so much blood soaked into it, I could barely read it as he held it and smoothed it out. I know what you are. You won't survive being here. I'll make sure of it. Leave now. It's the only way you might live through this.
Everyone was shocked; most couldn't imagine why anyone would write that to Lissa. More so everyone was wondering why they thought that Lissa was something ells
The matron's shock transformed into something more determined, and she headed for the door. "I'm getting Ellen." It took me a second to remember that was Kirova's first name. "Tell her well be at the clinic," said Dimitri. When she left, he turned to Lissa. "You should lie down." When she didn't move, I linked my arm through hers. "Come on, Liss. Let's get you out of here." Slowly, she put one foot in front of the other and let us lead her to the Academy's medical clinic.
All the guardians in the room smiled proud of they was Rose was handling the situation.
It was normally staffed by a couple of doctors, but at this time of night, only a nurse stayed on duty. She offered to wake one of the doctors, but Dimitri declined. "She just needs to rest." Lissa had no sooner stretched out on a narrow bed than Kirova and a few others showed up and started questioning her. I thrust myself in front of them, blocking her. "Leave her alone! Can't you see she doesn't want to talk about it? Let her get some sleep first!"
The guardians smiled proud, while Tatiana was shocked, she did not understand why Rose was keeping Kirova away from Lissa
"Miss Hathaway," declared Kirova, "you're out of line as usual. I don't even know what you're doing here." Dimitri asked if he could speak with her privately and led her into the hall. I heard angry whispers from her, calm and firm ones from him. When they returned, she said stiffly, "You may stay with her for a little while. We'll have janitors do further cleaning and investigation in the bathroom and your room, Miss Dragomir, and then discuss the situation in detail in the morning."
"Thank goodness," Tatiana smiled pleased, she hoped that Lissa would get the help she needs so that Tatiana could start to train her
"Don't wake Natalie," whispered Lissa. "I don't want to scare her. I cleaned up everything in the room anyway." Kirova looked doubtful. The group retreated but not before the nurse asked if Lissa wanted anything to eat or drink. She declined. Once we were alone, I lay down beside her and put my arm around her. "I won't let them find out," I told her, sensing her worry about her wrists. "But I wish you'd told me before I left the reception. You'd said you'd always come to me first." "I wasn't going to do it then," she said, her eyes staring blankly off. "I swear, I wasn't going to. I mean, I was upset…but I thought…I thought I could handle it. I was trying so hard…really, Rose. I was. But then I got back to my room, and I saw it, and I…just lost it. It was like the last straw, you know? And I knew I had to clean it up. Had to clean it up before they saw, before they found out, but there was so much blood…and afterward, after it was done, it was too much, and I felt like I was going to…I don't know…explode, and it was just too much, I had to let it out, you know? I had to—"
The room was silent, no-one knew what to say.
I interrupted her hysteria. "It's okay, I understand." That was a lie. I didn't get her cutting at all. She'd done it sporadically, ever since the accident, and it scared me each time. She'd try to explain it to me, how she didn't want to die—she just needed to get it out somehow. She felt so much emotionally, she would say that a physical outlet—physical pain—was the only way to make the internal pain go away. It was the only way she could control it.
"So all this started after the accident, so if you go and get them now we all could avoid this," Tatiana said looking at all the books
"Why is this happening?" she cried into her pillow. "Why am I a freak?" "You aren't a freak." "No one else has this happen to them. No one else does magic like I can." "Did you try to do magic?" No answer. "Liss? Did you try to heal the rabbit?" "I reached out, just to see if I could maybe fix it, but there was just too much blood…I couldn't." The more she uses it, the worse it'll get. Stop her, Rose. Lissa was right. Moroi magic could conjure fire and water, move rocks and other pieces of earth. But no one could heal or bring animals back from the dead. No one except Ms. Karp.
The kids all looked at Tatiana and Alberta who merely looked away from anyone, they did not want to talk about her or what had happened to her
Stop her before they notice, before they notice and take her away too. Get her out of here . I hated carrying this secret, mostly because I didn't know what to do about it. I didn't like feeling powerless. I needed to protect her from this—and from herself. And yet, at the same time, I needed to protect her from them, too.
"Poor girl, no-one should feel so alone and powerless," Olena said sadly
"If she wants to be a guardian, then she should get used to it," Janine said with no emotion, she also didn't want her daughter to feel so but she knew that there was an easy way in the life they were given
"We should go," I said abruptly. "We're going to leave." "Rose—" "It's happening again. And it's worse. Worse than last time." "You're afraid of the note." "I'm not afraid of any note. But this place isn't safe." I suddenly longed for Portland again. It might be dirtier and more crowded than the rugged Montana landscape, but at least you knew what to expect—not like here. Here at the Academy, past and present warred with each other. It might have its beautiful old walls and gardens, but inside, modern things were creeping in. People didn't know how to handle that. It was just like the Moroi themselves. Their archaic royal families still held the power on the surface, but people were growing discontent.
Tatiana glared at the book, while the Belikova's were secretly happy about that statement. Christina and Adrian weren't really worried as well.
Dhampirs who wanted more to their lives. Moroi like Christian who wanted to fight the Strigoi. The royals still clung to their traditions, still touted their power over everyone else, just as the Academy's elaborate iron gates put on a show of tradition and invincibility. And, oh, the lies and secrets. They ran through the halls and hid in the corners. Someone here hated Lissa, someone who was probably smiling right to her face and pretending to be her friend.
That sent a cold chill up everyone's spines
"Well that rules out Mia," Victoria said looking at Dimitri, who nodded at her.
"But who can it be, certainly not Natalie. The two haven't let anyone ells near them," Tatiana said worried as well
I couldn't let them destroy her. "You need to get some sleep," I told her. "I can't sleep." "Yes, you can. I'm right here. You won't be alone." Anxiety and fear and other troubled emotions coursed through her. But in the end, her body's needs won out. After a while, I saw her eyes close. Her breathing became even, and the bond grew quiet. I watched her sleep, too keyed up with adrenaline to allow myself any rest. I think maybe an hour had passed when the nurse returned and told me I had to leave.
"She is not going to like that," Alberta said already picturing the tantrum Rose is going to throw
"I can't go," I said. "I promised her she wouldn't be alone." The nurse was tall, even for a Moroi, with kind brown eyes. "She won't be. I'll stay with her." I regarded her skeptically. "I promise." Back in my room, I had my own crash. The fear and excitement had worn me out too, and for an instant, I wished I could have a normal life and a normal best friend.
"We all do," Victoria said not looking at anyone.
"You can have a normal life if you wanted to," Olena said looking down at her youngest daughter. Victoria just looked at her two older sisters
Immediately, I cast that thought out. No one was normal, not really. And I'd never have a better friend than Lissa…but man, it was so hard sometimes. I slept heavily until morning. I went to my first class tentatively, nervous that word about last night had gotten around. As it turned out, people were talking about last night, but their attention was still focused on the queen and the reception.
"One good thing you did," Karolina said smiling at Paul who smiled up at her. Tatiana glared at Karolina, while Yeva simply glared at Tatiana
They knew nothing about the rabbit. As hard as it was to believe, I'd nearly forgotten about that other stuff. Still, it suddenly seemed like a small thing compared to someone causing a bloody explosion in Lissa's room. Yet, as the day went on, I noticed something weird. People stopped looking at Lissa so much. The started looking at me.
"Not good," all the teenagers said at the same time,
Whatever. Ignoring them, I hunted around and found Lissa finishing up with a feeder. That funny feeling I always got came over me as I watched her mouth work against the feeder's neck, drinking his blood. A trickle of it ran down his throat, standing out against his pale skin. Feeders, though human, were nearly as pale as Moroi from all the blood loss. He didn't seem to notice; he was long gone on the high of the bite. Drowning in jealousy, I decided I needed therapy.
"We all can agree on that," Tatiana rolled her eyes at the book. Everyone ells just glared at her
"You okay?" I asked her later, on our way to class. She wore long sleeves, purposefully obscuring her wrists. "Yeah…I still can't stop thinking about that rabbit…It was so horrible. I keep seeing it in my head. And then what I did." She squeezed her eyes shut, just for a moment, and then opened them again. "People are talking about us." "I know. Ignore them." "I hate it," she said angrily. A surge of darkness shot up into her and through the bond.
"What are they talking about?" Tatiana all but demanded at the book
"I don't think we are going to get answers any time soon," Alberta said looking at the queen
It made me cringe. My best friend was lighthearted and kind. She didn't have feelings like that. "I hate all the gossip. It's so stupid. How can they all be so shallow?" "Ignore them," I repeated soothingly. "You were smart not to hang out with them anymore." Ignoring them grew harder and harder, though. The whispers and looks increased. In animal behavior, it became so bad, I couldn't even concentrate on my now-favorite subject. Ms. Meissner had started talking about evolution and survival of the fittest and how animals sought mates with good genes.
"Why is that being mentioned?" Abe asked not liking the subject his daughter was enjoying.
"Perhaps it will be important later on," Adrian smiled. Abe and Dimitri merely glared at him, while Yeva smiled while looking between Dimitri and Adrian
It fascinated me, but even she had a hard time staying on task, since she had to keep yelling at people to quiet down and pay attention. "Something's going on," I told Lissa between classes. "I don't know what, but they're all over something new." "Something else? Other than the queen hating me? What more could there be?" "Wish I knew." Things finally came to a head in our last class of the day, Slavic art. It started when a guy I barely knew made a very explicit and nearly obscene suggestion to me while we all worked on individual projects. I replied in kind, letting him know exactly what he could do with his request. He only laughed. "Come on, Rose. I bleed for you."
"Not good," The Belikov girls started to pale. Abe and Dimitri looked about ready to kill some. Everyone ells were just shocked
Loud giggles ensued, and Mia cut us a taunting look. "Wait, it's Rose who does the bleeding, right?" More laughter. Understanding slapped me in the face. I jerked Lissa away. "They know." "Know what?" "About us. About how you…you know, how I fed you while we were gone." She gaped. "How?" "How do you think? Your "friend‟ Christian."
"I would never," Christian glared at the book before glaring at Tatiana who was looking at him
"No," she said adamantly. "He wouldn't have." "Who else knew?" Faith in Christian flashed in her eyes and in our bond. But she didn't know what I knew. She didn't know how I'd bitched him out last night, how I'd made him think she hated him. The guy was unstable.
"Well she's not wrong, but I would never hurt Lissa," Christian said before he could think. After he realized what he said he blushed
Spreading our biggest secret—well, one of them—would be an adequate revenge. Maybe he'd killed the rabbit, too. After all, it had died only a couple hours after I'd told him off. Not waiting around to hear her protests, I stalked off to the other side of the room where Christian was working by himself, as usual. Lissa followed in my wake. Not caring if people saw us, I leaned across the table toward him, putting my face inches from his. "I'm going to kill you." His eyes darted to Lissa, the faintest glimmer of longing in them, and then a scowl spread over his face.
The girls all smiled at Christian who just looked away from everyone
"Why? Is it like guardian extra credit?" "Stop with the attitude," I warned, pitching my voice low. "You told. You told how Lissa had to feed off me." "Tell her," said Lissa desperately. "Tell her she's wrong." Christian dragged his eyes from me to her, and as they regarded each other, I felt such a powerful wave of attraction, it was a wonder it didn't knock me over. Her heart was in her eyes. It was obvious to me he felt the same way about her, but she couldn't see it, particularly since he was still glaring at her.
"But Rose can," Christian pouted
"Girls are funny like that. Lissa doesn't notice because she likes you. Rose notices because she does not like you," Sonja smiled at Christian
"You can stop it, you know," he said. "You don't have to pretend anymore." Lissa's giddy attraction vanished, replaced by hurt and shock over his tone. "I…what? Pretend what?…" "You know what. Just stop. Stop with the act." Lissa stared at him, her eyes wide and wounded. She had no clue I'd gone off on him last night. She had no clue that he believed she hated him. "Get over feeling sorry for yourself, and tell us what's going on," I snapped at him. "Did you or didn't you tell them?" He fixed me with a defiant look. "No. I didn't." "I don't believe you." "I do," said Lissa. "I know it's impossible to believe a freak like me could keep his mouth shut—especially since neither of you can—but I have better things to do than spread stupid rumors. You want someone to blame? Blame your golden boy over there."
"He's dead," Abe, Dimitri and Adrian all said at the same time. Janine and Alberta nodded at each other agreeing with the men. Ivan tried to feel sorry for his distant family member but he couldn't
I followed his gaze to where Jesse was laughing about something with that idiot Ralf. "Jesse doesn't know," said Lissa defiantly. Christian's eyes were glued to me. "He does, though. Doesn't he, Rose? He knows." My stomach sank out of me. Yes. Jesse did know. He'd figured it out that night in the lounge. "I didn't think…I didn't think he'd tell. He was too afraid of Dimitri."
"Clearly not scared enough," Dimitri all but growled at the book he was holding
"You told him?" exclaimed Lissa. "No, he guessed." I was starting to feel sick. "He apparently did more than guess," muttered Christian. I turned on him. "What's that supposed to mean?" "Oh. You don't know." "I swear to God, Christian, I'm going to break your neck after class." "Man, you really are unstable." He said it almost happily, but his next words were more serious. He still wore that sneer, still glowed with anger, but when he spoke, I could hear the faintest uneasiness in his voice. "He sort of elaborated on what was in your note. Got into a little more detail." "Oh, I get it. He said we had sex." I didn't need to mince words.
"Who's going to kill him first me or you," Abe asked looking at Dimitri
"I'm sure we can take turns killing him," Dimitri answered him
Christian nodded. So. Jesse was trying to boost his own reputation. Okay. That I could deal with. Not like my reputation was that stellar to begin with. Everyone already believed I had sex all the time. "And uh, Ralf too. That you and he—" Ralf? No amount of alcohol or any illegal substance would make me touch him. "I—what? That I had sex with Ralf too?" Christian nodded. "That asshole! I'm going to—" "There's more." "How? Did I sleep with the basketball team?" "He said—they both said—you let them…well, you let them drink your blood."
"Good another body to dispose of," Ivan said looking between Abe and Dimitri
That stopped even me. Drinking blood during sex. The dirtiest of the dirty. Sleazy. Beyond being easy or a slut. A gazillion times worse than Lissa drinking from me for survival. Blood-whore territory. "That's crazy!" Lissa cried. "Rose would never—Rose?" But I wasn't listening anymore. I was in my own world, a world that took me across the classroom to where Jesse and Ralf sat. They both looked up, faces half smug and half…nervous, if I had to guess. Not unexpected, since they were both lying through their teeth. The entire class came to a standstill. Apparently they'd been expecting some type of showdown. My unstable reputation in action.
"How bad could it be?" Olena asked looking at Alberta
"Basically the two of them mixed," Alberta answered looking at Janine and Abe.
"Not good," Olena said with wide eyes
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" I asked in a low, dangerous voice. Jesse's nervous look turned to one of terror. He might have been taller than me, but we both knew who would win if I turned violent. Ralf, however, gave me a cocky smile. "We didn't do anything you didn't want us to do." His smiled turned cruel. "And don't even think about laying a hand on us. You start a fight, and Kirova'll kick you out to go live with the other blood whores." The rest of the students were holding their breaths, waiting to see what we'd do. I don't know how Mr. Nagy could have been oblivious to the drama occurring in his class. I wanted to punch both of them, hit them so hard that it'd make Dimitri's brawl with Jesse look like a pat on the back.
"Please do," Alberta begged she would make sure the nothing bad would happen to Rose
I wanted to wipe that smirk off Ralf's face. But asshole or not, he was right. If I touched them, Kirova would expel me in the blink of an eye. And if I got kicked out, Lissa would be alone. Taking a deep breath, I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. I walked away.
"Why do I feel proud of her?" Janine asked wishing for once that Rose would just hit him,
"Because she did the right thing," Alberta said annoyed that Rose was choosing to do the right thing
The rest of the day was miserable. In backing down from the fight, I opened myself up to mockery from everyone else. The rumors and whispers grew louder. People stared at me openly. People laughed. Lissa kept trying to talk to me, to console me, but I ignored even her. I went through the rest of my classes like a zombie, and then I headed off to practice with Dimitri as fast I could. He gave me a puzzled look but didn't ask any questions.
"Thank you," All the girls said looking at Dimitri
"Smart move," Ivan patted Dimitri on the back
Alone in my room later on, I cried for the first time in years. Once I got that out of my system, I was about to put on my pajamas when I heard a knock at my door. Dimitri. He studied my face and then glanced away, obviously aware I'd been crying. I could tell, too, that the rumors had finally reached him. He knew. "Are you okay?" "It doesn't matter if I am, remember?" I looked up at him.
"No-one should be okay with that," Dimitri said
"Is Lissa okay? This'll be hard on her." A funny look crossed his face. I think it astonished him that I'd still be worried about her at a time like this. He beckoned me to follow and led me out to a back stairwell, one that usually stayed locked to students. But it was open tonight, and he gestured me outside. "Five minutes," he warned. More curious than ever, I stepped outside. Lissa stood there.
"Such a sweet boy," Olena smiled proudly at her son
I should have sensed she was close, but my own out-of-control feelings had obscured hers. Without a word, she put her arms around me and held me for several moments. I had to hold back more tears. When we broke apart, she looked at me with calm, level eyes. "I'm sorry," she said. "Not your fault. It'll pass." She clearly doubted that. So did I. "It is my fault," she said. "She did it to get back at me." "She?" "Mia. Jesse and Ralf aren't smart enough to think of something like that on their own. You said it yourself: Jesse was too scared of Dimitri to talk much about what happened. And why wait until now? It happened a while ago. If he'd wanted to spread stuff around, he would have done it back then. Mia's doing this as retaliation for you talking about her parents. I don't know how she managed it, but she's the one who got them to say those things."
"Well handle her," Janine and Alberta said at the same time
"For who do you feel sorrier?" Adrian asked Christian
"The boys. Chances are good guardian Hathaway and Alberta are only going to talk to Mia. While Abe and Dimitri look like they're ready to kill," Christian explained. Ivan agreed with him
In my gut, I realized Lissa was right. Jesse and Ralf were the tools; Mia had been the mastermind. "Nothing to be done now," I sighed. "Rose—" "Forget it, Liss. It's done, okay?" She studied me quietly for a few seconds. "I haven't seen you cry in a long time."
"When was the last time she had cried?" Olena asked looking at Alberta. Alberta just looked at Janine
"I wasn't crying." A feeling of heartache and sympathy beat through to me from the bond. "She can't do this to you," she argued. I laughed bitterly, half surprised at my own hopelessness. "She already did. She said she'd get back at me, that I wouldn't be able to protect you. She did it. When I go back to classes…" A sickening feeling settled in my stomach. I thought about the friends and respect I'd managed to eke out, despite our low profile. That would be gone. You couldn't come back from something like this. Not among the Moroi. Once a blood whore, always a blood whore.
Yeva, Olena and Karolina all looked down ashamed. Abe, Dimitri and Ivan were mad about that fact
What made it worse was that some dark, secret part of me did like being bitten. "You shouldn't have to keep protecting me," she said. I laughed. "That's my job. I'm going to be your guardian." "I know, but I meant like this. You shouldn't suffer because of me. You shouldn't always have to look after me. And yet you always do. You got me out of here. You took care of everything when we were on our own. Even since coming back…you've always been the one who does all the work. Every time I break down—like last night—you're always there. Me, I'm weak. I'm not like you." I shook my head. "That doesn't matter. It's what I do. I don't mind."
"Should we be worried about that?" Abe asked looking at Alberta and Janine
"Their last months at the academy, Rose was a lot more protective then she was before the accident," Alberta remarked thinking back
"Let's just make a note of that," Dimitri said taking another note
"Yeah, but look what happened. I'm the one she really has a grudge against—even though I still don't know why. Whatever. It's going to stop. I'm going to protect you from now on." There was a determination in her expression, a wonderful confidence radiating off of her that reminded me of the Lissa I'd known before the accident.
Tatiana and Alberta smiled as well, feeling better that the old Lissa was still in there
At the same time, I could feel something else in her—something darker, a sense of deeply buried anger. I'd seen this side of her before too, and I didn't like it. I didn't want her tapping into it. I just wanted her to be safe. "Lissa, you can't protect me." "I can," she said fiercely. "There's one thing Mia wants more than to destroy you and me. She wants to be accepted. She wants to hang out with the royals and feel like she's one of them. I can take that away from her." She smiled. "I can turn them against her." "How?" "By telling them." Her eyes flashed.
Tatiana smiled, happy that Lissa was taking a more royal approach,
My mind was moving too slowly tonight. It took me a while to catch on. "Liss—no. You can't use compulsion. Not around here."
Everyone was looking at Tatiana waiting to see how she would react.
"Well that is not the right way, but perhaps just to start," Tatiana said lifting her shoulders
"I might as well get some use out of these stupid powers." The more she uses it, the worse it'll get. Stop her, Rose. Stop her before they notice, before they notice and take her away too. Get her out of here. "Liss, if you get caught—" Dimitri stuck his head out. "You've got to get back inside, Rose, before someone finds you." I shot a panicked look at Lissa, but she was already retreating. " I'll tak e care of everything this time, Rose. Everything."
"Well that sounded ominous, who would like to read next?" Dimitri asked holding up the book. Tatiana huffed before reaching for it
~~~~
Tatiana took a deep breath before opening the book
THIRTEEN
THE AFTERMATH OF JESSE AND Ralf's lies was about as horrible as I'd expected.
The Belikov females sighed they all knew how Rose felt.
The only way I survived was by putting blinders on, by ignoring everyone and everything. It kept me sane—barely—but I hated it. I felt like crying all the time. I lost my appetite and didn't sleep well.
That got everyone worried more for Rose, they all knew by now how important food was for her.
Yet, no matter how bad it got for me, I didn't worry about myself as much as I did Lissa.
That did put a smile on Tatiana's face, she was happy that Rose still had her propertied
She stood by her promise to change things. It was slow at first, but gradually, I would see a royal or two come up to her at lunch or in class and say hello. She'd turn on a brilliant smile, laughing and talking to them like they were all best friends. At first, I didn't understand how she was pulling it off. She'd told me she would use compulsion to win the other royals over and turn them against Mia. But I didn't see it happening.
Tatiana smiled happy that Lissa was acting more like a prince, while Alberta just shook her head, she did not want to see how all this would play out
It was possible, of course, that she was winning people over without compulsion. After all, she was funny, smart, and nice. Anyone would like her. Something told me she wasn't winning friends the old-fashioned way, and I finally figured it out. She was using compulsion when I wasn't around.
That made everyone worried, no-one was really pleased with the idea of someone using compulsion, even Tatiana didn't like the idea but she was just happy that Lissa was spending more time with the other royals
I only saw her for a small part of the day, and since she knew I didn't approve, she only worked her power when I was away. After a few days of this secret compulsion, I knew what I needed to do: I had to get back in her head again. By choice. I'd done it before; I could do it again. At least, that's what I told myself, sitting and spacing out in Stan's class one day. But it wasn't as easy as I'd thought it would be, partly because I felt too keyed up to relax and open myself to her thoughts.
"Well it is hard to relax in Stan's classroom," Christian said thinking back to the previous chapters
I also had trouble because I picked a time when she felt relatively calm. She came through the "loudest" when her emotions were running strong. Still, I tried to do what I'd done before, back when I'd spied on her and Christian. The meditation thing. Slow breathing. Eyes closed. Mental focus like that still wasn't easy for me, but at long last I managed the transition, slipping into her head and experiencing the world as hers.
"Thank goodness she got in," Olena said hoping that the two girls would be fine
She stood in her American lit class, during project-work time, but, like most of the students, she wasn't working. She and Camille Conta leaned against a wall on the far side of the room, talking in hushed voices. "It's gross," said Camille firmly, a frown crossing her pretty face. She had on a blue skirt made of velvet-like fabric, short enough to show off her long legs and possibly raise eyes about the dress code. "If you guys were doing it, I'm not surprised she got addicted and did it with Jesse." "She didn't do it with Jesse," insisted Lissa. "And it's not like we had sex. We just didn't have any feeders, that's all." Lissa focused her full attention on Camille and smiled. "It's no big deal. Everyone's overreacting." Camille looked like she seriously doubted this, and then, the more she stared at Lissa, the more unfocused her eyes became. A blank look fell over her. "Right?" asked Lissa, voice like silk. "It's not a big deal."
Everyone was shocked at that, they knew that Lissa's compulsion was strong but they never thought that it would be so strong.
The frown returned. Camille tried to shake the compulsion. That fact that it'd even gotten this far was incredible. As Christian had observed, using it on Moroi was unheard of. Camille, although strong-willed, lost the battle. "Yeah," she said slowly. "It's really not that big a deal." "And Jesse's lying." She nodded. "Definitely lying." A mental strain burned inside of Lissa as she held onto the compulsion.
Dimitri and Ivan saw how Adrian looked down and rubbed his neck.
"He knows how Lissa is feeling," Ivan whispered to Dimitri who nodded
It took a lot of effort, and she wasn't finished. "What are you guys doing tonight?" "Carly and I are going to study for Matheson's test in her room." "Invite me." Camille thought about it. "Hey, you want to study with us?" "Sure," said Lissa, smiling at her. Camille smiled back. Lissa dropped the compulsion, and a wave of dizziness swept over her. She felt weak. Camille glanced around, momentarily surprised, then shook off the weirdness. "See you after dinner then." "See you," murmured Lissa, watching her walk away. When Camille was gone, Lissa reached up to tie her hair up in a ponytail. Her fingers couldn't quite get all the hair through, and suddenly, another pair of hands caught hold and helped her. She spun around and found herself staring into Christian's ice-blue eyes.
"Not smart on your part," Sonja said shaking her head
"Haven't done it yet so," Christian smiled
She jerked away from him. "Don't do that!" she exclaimed, shivering at the realization that it had been his fingers touching her. He gave her his lazy, slightly twisted smile and brushed a few pieces of unruly black hair out of his face. "Are you asking me or ordering me?" "Shut up." She glanced around, both to avoid his eyes and make sure no one saw them together. "What's the matter? Worried about what your slaves'll think if they see you talking to me?"
"Well she could just make them forget they saw you two together," Adrian smirked at Christian who agreed with him
"They're my friends," she retorted. "Oh. Right. Of course they are. I mean, from what I saw, Camille would probably do anything for you, right? Friends till the end." He crossed his arms over his chest, and in spite of her anger, she couldn't help but notice how the silvery gray of his shirt set off his black hair and blue eyes. "At least she isn't like you. She doesn't pretend to be my friend one day and then ignore me for no reason."
"Technically that was Rose's fault," Christian said
"Yes, and you have to do everything my daughter tells you to do?" Janine said looking at Christian who after a few moments shook his head
An uncertain look flickered across his features. Tension and anger had built up between them in the last week, ever since I'd yelled at Christian after the royal reception. Believing what I'd told him, Christian had stopped talking to her and had treated her rudely every time she'd tried to start a conversation. Now, hurt and confused, she'd given up attempts at being nice. The situation just kept getting worse and worse.
Christian sighed and looked down sad that he and Lissa weren't getting along in the books
Looking out through Lissa's eyes, I could see that he still cared about her and still wanted her. His pride had been hurt, however, and he wasn't about to show weakness.
"Boys," all the girls in the room said at the same time.
"Yeah?" he said in a low, cruel voice. "I thought that was the way all royals were supposed to act. You certainly seem to be doing a good job with it. Or maybe you're just using compulsion on me to make me think you're a two-faced bitch. Maybe you really aren't. But I doubt it." Lissa flushed at the word compulsion—and cast another worried look around—
"That's what she worried about, not the fact that he called her a two-faced bitch?" Victoria asked astonished
"She really needs to sort out her priorities," Karolina shook her head
but decided not to give him the satisfaction of arguing anymore. She simply gave him one last glare before storming off to join a group of royals huddled over an assignment Returning to myself, I stared blankly around the classroom, processing what I'd seen. Some tiny, tiny part of me was starting to feel sorry for Christian.
"Oh the horror," Christian said dramatically
It was only a tiny part, though, and very easy to ignore. At the beginning of the next day, I headed out to meet Dimitri. These practices were my favorite part of the day now, partly because of my stupid crush on him
Yeva, Olena and her daughters all smiled at Dimitri where on the other hand Abe and Janine just looked at him with a frown- they weren't sure what do with him just yet- Ivan just smiled at his friend. Adrian just rolled his eyes
and partly because I didn't have to be around the others. He and I started with running as usual, and he ran with me, quiet and almost gentle in his instructions, probably worried about causing some sort of breakdown.
"Such a good boy," Olena said proud of her only son and how he was handling Rose
He knew about the rumors somehow, but he never mentioned them. When we finished, he led me through an offensive exercise where I could use any makeshift weapons I could find to attack him. To my surprise, I managed to land a few blows on him, although they seemed to do me more damage than him. The impacts always made me stagger back, but he never budged. It still didn't stop me from attacking and attacking, fighting with an almost blind rage.
"Smart move," Janine, Abe and Alberta said at the same time.
I didn't know who I really fought in those moments: Mia or Jesse or Ralf. Maybe all of them. Dimitri finally called a break. We carried the equipment we'd used on the field and returned everything to the supply room. While putting it away, he glanced at me and did a double take. "Your hands."
"Please tell me she had gloves?" Dimitri asked looking at Alberta
"Knowing Rose probably not," Alberta said thinking about it. Janine and Dimitri both shook their head at that
He swore in Russian. I could recognize it by now, but he refused to teach me what any of it meant. "Where are your gloves?" I looked down at my hands. They'd suffered for weeks, and today had only made them worse. The cold had turned the skin raw and chapped, and some parts were actually bleeding a little. My blisters swelled. "Don't have any. Never needed them in Portland." He swore again and beckoned me to a chair while he retrieved a first-aid kit. Wiping away the blood with a wet cloth, he told me gruffly, "We'll get you some." I looked down at my destroyed hands as he worked. "This is only the start, isn't it?" "Of what?" "Me. Turning into Alberta. Her…and all the other female guardians. They're all leathery and stuff. Fighting and training and always being outdoors—they aren't pretty anymore."
"Thank you very much, Rose," Alberta said sarcastically,
"Well she is not wrong," Sonja said not looking at Alberta and Janine
I paused. "This…this life. It destroys them. Their looks, I mean." He hesitated for a moment and looked up from my hands. Those warm brown eyes surveyed me, and something tightened in my chest. Damn it. I had to stop feeling this way around him.
Abe and Janine nodded their heads agreeing with Rose. While Olena and Ivan just smiled mischievously
"It won't happen to you. You're too…" He groped for the right word, and I mentally substituted all sorts of possibilities. Goddess-like. Scorchingly sexy.
The room was stunned everyone was looking at Dimitri, waiting to see if he would answer,
"I don't have the book how would I know the future me would answer," Dimitri voiced but he knew how his book counterpart wanted to say
Giving up, he simply said, "It won't happen to you." He turned his attention back to my hands. Did he…did he think I was pretty? I never doubted the reaction I caused among guys my own age, but with him, I didn't know. The tightening in my chest increased. "It happened to my mom. She used to be beautiful. I guess she still is, sort of. But not the way she used to be." Bitterly, I added, "Haven't seen her in a while. She could look completely different for all I know."
Janine looked down at her hands ashamed
"Don't worry you're still beautiful to me," Abe said kissing Janine's cheek
"You don't like your mother," he observed. "You noticed that, huh?" "You barely know her." "That's the point. She abandoned me. She left me to be raised by the Academy." When he finished cleaning my open wounds, he found a jar of salve and began rubbing it into the rough parts of my skin. I sort of got lost in the feel of his hands massaging mine.
"Don't," Dimitri said before Ivan could even try to say something,
"You say that…but what else should she have done? I know you want to be a guardian. I know how much it means to you. Do you think she feels any differently? Do you think she should have quit to raise you when you'd spend most of your life here anyway?" I didn't like having reasonable arguments thrown at me.
"Thank you," Janine said gratefully at Dimitri
"Are you saying I'm a hypocrite?" "I'm just saying maybe you shouldn't be so hard on her. She's a very respected dhampir woman. She's set you on the path to be the same." "It wouldn't kill her to visit more,"
"I should have visited her more," Janine said ashamed of herself
I muttered. "But I guess you're right. A little. It could have been worse, I suppose. I could have been raised with blood whores." Dimitri looked up. "I was raised in a dhampir commune. They aren't as bad as you think." "Oh." I suddenly felt stupid. "I didn't mean—" "It's all right." He focused his attention back on my hands. "So, did you, like, have family there? Grow up with them?" He nodded.
"I loved it," Dimitri smiled at his mother and sister
"My mother and two sisters. I didn't see them much after I went to school, but we still keep in touch. Mostly, the communities are about family. There's a lot of love there, no matter what stories you've heard." My bitterness returned, and I glanced down to hide my glare. Dimitri had had a happier family life with his disgraced mother and relatives than I'd had with my "respected" guardian mother.
That made everyone in the room sad again, well everyone but Tatiana
He most certainly knew his mother better than I knew mine. "Yeah, but…isn't it weird? Aren't there a lot of Moroi men visiting to, you know?…" His hands rubbed circles into mine. "Sometimes." There was something dangerous in his tone, something that told me this was an unwelcome topic. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring up something bad…" "Actually…you probably wouldn't think it's bad," he said after almost a minute had passed. A tight smile formed on his lips. "You don't know your father, do you?" I shook my head. "No. All I know is he must have had wicked cool hair."
"Thank you," Abe said proudly running his fingers through his hair
Dimitri glanced up, and his eyes swept me. "Yes. He must have." Returning to my hands, he said carefully, "I knew mine." I froze. "Really? Most Moroi guys don't stay—I mean, some do, but you know, usually they just—" "Well, he liked my mother." He didn't say "liked" in a nice way. "And he visited her a lot. He's my sisters‟ father too. But when he came…well, he didn't treat my mother very well. He did some horrible things." "Like…" I hesitated. This was Dimitri's mother we were talking about. I didn't know how far I could go.
"So sweet of her," Olena said already liking Rose a lot
"Blood-whore things?" "Like beating-her-up kinds of things," he replied flatly. He'd finished the bandages but was still holding my hands. I don't even know if he noticed. I certainly did. His were warm and large, with long and graceful fingers. Fingers that might have played the piano in another life.
"I can't see it," Ivan said looking at Dimitri's hands
"Oh God," I said. How horrible. I tightened my hands in his. He squeezed back. "That's horrible. And she…she just let it happen?" "She did." The corner of his mouth turned up into a sly, sad smile. "But I didn't." Excitement surged through me. "Tell me, tell me you beat the crap out of him." His smile grew. "I did."
"I don't like how their bonding over hurting moroi's," Tatiana glared at Dimitri who just smiled at the thought of what he did to his father
"Wow." I hadn't thought Dimitri could be any cooler, but I was wrong. "You beat up your dad. I mean, that's really horrible…what happened. But, wow. You really are a god." He blinked. "What?" "Uh, nothing." Hastily, I tried to change the subject. "How old were you?" He still seemed to be puzzling out the god comment. "Thirteen." Whoa. Definitely a god.
Everyone laughed at that, while Dimitri just shook his head
"You beat up your dad when you were thirteen?" "It wasn't that hard. I was stronger than he was, almost as tall. I couldn't let him keep doing that. He had to learn that being royal and Moroi doesn't mean you can do anything you want to other people—even blood whores." I stared. I couldn't believe he'd just said that about his mother.
"Sorry mama," Dimitri said
"Don't worry," Olena smiled at him.
"I'm sorry." "It's all right." Pieces clicked into place for me. "That's why you got so upset about Jesse, isn't it? He was another royal, trying to take advantage of a dhampir girl." Dimitri averted his eyes. "I got upset over that for a lot of reasons. After all, you were breaking the rules, and…" He didn't finish, but he looked back into my eyes in a way that made warmth build between us.
Janine and Abe both looked at Dimitri with a raised eyebrow. Dimitri just looked away form everyone
Thinking about Jesse soon darkened my mood, unfortunately. I looked down. "I know you heard what people are saying, that I—" "I know it's not true," he interrupted. His immediate, certain answer surprised me, and I stupidly found myself questioning it. "Yeah, but how do you—" "Because I know you," he replied firmly. "I know your character. I know you're going to be a great guardian." His confidence made that warm feeling return. "I'm glad someone does. Everyone else thinks I'm totally irresponsible." "With the way you worry more about Lissa than yourself…" He shook his head. "No. You understand your responsibilities better than guardians twice your age. You'll do what you have to do to succeed."
"Yes she does," Alberta said smiling, all the guardians in the room nodded agreeing with book Dimitri
I thought about that. "I don't know if I can do everything I have to do." He did that cool one-eyebrow thing. "I don't want to cut my hair," I explained. He looked puzzled. "You don't have to cut your hair. It's not required." "All the other guardian women do. They show off their tattoos." Unexpectedly, he released my hands and leaned forward.
"Oh you better not try to kiss her," Abe said glaring at Dimitri
Slowly, he reached out and held a lock of my hair, twisting it around one finger thoughtfully. I froze, and for a moment, there was nothing going on in the world except him touching my hair. He let my hair go, looking a little surprised—and embarrassed—at what he'd done. "Don't cut it," he said gruffly. Somehow, I remembered how to talk again. "But no one'll see my tattoos if I don't." He moved toward the doorway, a small smile playing over his lips. "Wear it up."
"Thank you," Abe smiled at Dimitri.
"Okay I'm done, who would like to read next?" Tatiana asked holding up the book
"I think we had enough. We all should go to bed," Olena said getting up. Tatiana placed down the book and stood with everyone. Slowly everyone chooses their rooms and went to bed