CONRAD

Finally, the last page of the last exam was done. I put my pen down and exhaled deeply. A heavy weight fell down my shoulders and now I can finally focus on more important things. I stood up and handed my exam sheet, kinda proud of my accomplishment, doing an All - Nighter is so exhausting. I can't wait to take a nap.

Soon after I received the results per Email. 95%. Pass.

Full of pride I texted Steven I passed, and I rushed back to see Belly, my girl. I was done hiding my feelings, trying to fight the urge to grab her, pull her closer to me, and just hold her for as long as she would let me. There was something poetic about the way our story unfolded, but one thing was certain for me: there was no one in this whole entire world that could ever be a better fit for me than her. It was all in the way she made my heart pound. I was the happiest when I was around her, and I missed her presence whenever she wasn't near me. No amount of family loyalty could keep me from her; she was a magnetic force that I no longer had the strength to ignore, that was the hardest thing to do.

If it weren't embarrassing, I think you could catch me skipping my way to her. She was the one I wanted to share all of the good news with, she was the first person that I want to run to.

Walking past all of the students who were excited for the summer break made me kind of nostalgic. No excitement of summer went by my mind without bringing out the nostalgic thoughts of my mom, making shopping lists and collecting baking recipes for the beach house at the Cousins. I knew I would miss her, I knew nothing would ever be the same without having her reassuring me things would be okay. But nothing and no one prepared me for the physical pain, for the hole in my chest that I know nothing can ever fill again.

It was the hardest year of my life for me. Emotionally, I experienced devastation, sadness and anger that I didn't even know I had in me. Having this beautiful person by my side, calling her my girlfriend, during the time of my unbearable grief, was just unfair. It was life's cruelest irony. Belly deserved so much more than the worst version of me. She deserved the best parts of me, the parts I promised myself I would give her as soon as I got the chance to. I understand that I scared her, I scared myself, but the thought of my guardian angel leaving me so soon, that occupied all of my thoughts. Realising that life goes on came slowly, not all at ones, but in little pieces. Like seeing her, loving her.

Loving her made everything bearable, loving her made life make sense and losing that felt like loosing a limb. She was my girl, she was meant for me, I felt that so clearly… I felt that as clearly as I felt missing my mom. Losing Isabel was the second worst lost I had ever experienced.

Seeing her these couple of days, hearing her laugh, watching her excitement, feeling her determination in keeping this house, remembering all of the moments we shared… what a beautiful tragedy, being able to enjoy her presence, but not being able to hold it, call it my own.

Life is one gigantic mess, it ends when it's at it's best. There is a world of options, yet there was only one open for me. I don't want to spend another day pretending my world doesn't revolve around her. I'm tired of acting like I don't want to kiss the shit out of that beautiful face of hers. I can't afford to waste another day not telling her how happy she makes me, how excited she makes me to be alive.

I pulled out my phone again and sent my mom another text. It was an embarrassing thing that calmed my heart. I kept texting her, things you would usually write to your mom; like getting back home safe or passing an exam.

„I'm finally going to tell her." I wrote to her. I'm not delusional, it's just a mechanism, coping with this world without her.

—

Have you ever been stabbed? Not in the back, but right in the chest? Up front? Well, that is what it felt like seeing them. I physically felt like there was no air around me to breathe in. Was I too late? Was this kiss inevitable? Would things be different if I walked faster? I felt the breeze moving my hair around, but I just could't breathe in.

Belly, my beautiful, pure, delicate Belly. Kissing my brother. I just wanted to wake up. I wanted to wake up in my bed at the beach house and hear her giggles downstairs in the kitchen and realise this was the worst damn dream I ever had. I took a deep breath and it took everything I had in me to turn around, to not just grab her over my shoulder like the one night at the beach and to carry her away from everything and everyone.

It was the coldest conversation we ever had. Being cold to the person you had the warmest feelings towards was the hardest thing that existed. It felt like breaking all of my bones, all at once. I needed to disappear, I needed to not be there. I needed to let them have this without me.

I realise how cowardly it was to leave, but staying would be selfish. Admitting my feelings to her after she kissed Jere would only make things complicated for her. Belly deserved a great love, she deserved the kind of love that was kind and gentle. The kind that would make her write poems about.

The walk back to my dorm felt like a blur, it was like walking back home after having one too many drinks at a party. I needed space and I needed to distance myself. I suppose a crucial part of loving her was letting her have everything she wanted in life and if that was Jere, that was something I had to learn how to live with. It would be the hardest pill I ever had to swallow, but loving someone, loving someone truly meant leaving your feelings aside and purely enjoying their happiness. Right?

I fell asleep even though I felt sick to my stomach, it wasn't easy to calm my thoughts, when all they wanted was to wander to her, to her beautiful brown hair and her lame jokes. There was no denying it, I was utterly and honestly, but tragically in love with my brothers girl and there was nothing that I could do that was fair, that would do justice to my feelings as well as hers or his.

I was packing up the last box in the afternoon as I got a text from my dad

„Laurel is buying the house."

I looked confused at my phone, I so naively thought my dad would take care of things. Surprisingly, I didn't feel anything. It was quite frankly an even better solution for Laurel to get the house. At least, that way, mom's memory would remain in this house and a part of her would keep on living when Laurel is there, their love was stronger than any other bond.

A couple of minutes later I heard a knock on the door. I wasn't expecting anyone so I called out.

„Who's there?" I asked.

„It's me. Open up." Jere answered.

What else could he possibly want from me?