Where broken hearts get mended...

„Mr. Grey? Can you hear me?"

What? Who's voice is that?

„Jason. Call 911."

Whoa. No need for that.

„Oh thank God, he's moving."

„I've informed Dr. Flynn. He's on his way. I don't think we need a paramedic." That's Taylor for sure. Someone is touching my throat for a pulse.

Where am I? Okay. I'm lying on the ground. This is my apartment. And that's Gail staring into my face. Jesus woman. Ever heard of polite distance? Why so close to my face?!

Groaning I come to a sitting position. My jaw is very tense. My head hurts. I'm cold and sweaty.

Great. A panic attack. I must have passed out.

"Gail, I'm fine. Would you mind?" she steps back instantly.

Taylor helps me up.

"Sir. Please stay here until Dr. Flynn arrives." I lay down on the couch to stare at my ridiculously high ceiling. I close my eyes to remember what happened.

Ana's face. She was here. She left me. She left. No.

The sound of Flynn's voice rips me out of my delusional state.

"Christian. How are you?"

"Fine."

"Great. You should get an award for the performance you just had in front of your housekeeper. Considering the fact your are fine."

"Sarcasm eh? Aren't you supposed to be professional around your patients?"

"Good to know you never loose your wit. I'm actually off duty."

"Why are you here then?" It's not like he genuinely cares about me. He gets payed to care for me after all.

"Let's not dwell on that now. Headache?" he asks when he sees me rubbing my forehead.

"Yeah."

"Gail, could you be so kind and bring some refreshments?"

After some time, I take a painkiller and after a lot of persuasion a mild sedative. Its effect makes me relaxed but also more emotionally vulnerable. I think I even dozed off for a while.

It's almost morning when I feel a little clearer again. Flynn sits down beside me.

"I don't think these pills are working. How can I be still in so much pain?"

„Christian. You're suffering from heartbreak. There are no pills for that."

Suffering. That's not how I would describe it. It actually feels like how I've been before I met Ana. Empty. Somehow being my old self feels suffocating. Where in the past I had just accepted that that's who I was.

„She took everything with her. All of me." I won't admit how embarrassed I am of the level of desperation in my voice. Flynn has always been very straight forward with me. No softy treatment. Actually he was the first one who didn't put up with my shit and told me straight in the eye what I needed to hear. Well, now. I'm dreading to hear how he will tear apart my misery with his analytical shit.

To my surprise he puts a hand on my shoulder.

„I'm sorry Christian. I really am."

I push he balls of my palms into my eyes. I'm not going to cry. No.

„You should spend some time with your loved ones. And this is your friend speaking. Not your therapist."

„I have work to do."

„Of course you do. Leave work for a while. It still will be here when you come back. Let's be honest. You're not in a state where you could run an empire properly."

He's right. Unfortunately.

„I could just talk to you. Isn't that your job? Help me out of my misery?"

Flynn chuckles. „Yes it is. We will talk about it. For now what you need is being around people that genuinely love you. Trust me on this."

Hearing those words sting. People that genuinely love me? The only one I was sure of left me.

„I'm on my own." That's all I can say. End of discussion.

„Alright. Think about my proposition. We can talk about it tomorrow or whenever you feel ready. I could stay here tonight. Just in case. I guess you have a guest room?"

„No!" I blurt louder than I intended. Flynn raises one eyebrow at my alleged inhospitality. „I mean. There's still her stuff in there. Gail will show you where you can stay." Or maybe Ana already took everything in that bag of hers?

I stand up to leave. For the second time that evening I'm embarrassed of my actions in front of Flynn.

„Hey, bro. What's up?" I sigh. The last time I decided to open up to him it gloriously backfired.

„Hey Elliot." Where do I start? What do I say? „How are you and your wife doing?" Oh fuck me. Small talk is not my forte.

The line is silent for a long time.

„Are you still there?" I ask. Twenty first century and some parts of his country have the connection strength from when Thomas Eddison invented the light bulb.

„Yeah." Why is he so taciturn? „Christian. What's going on?"

„Not allowed to ask how my brother is doing?"

„Fine. We're good. Kates been nagging me for having a baby but we decided to wait. Work is a pain in the ass, we are behind schedule. We'll probably stay longer in Miami.. Now that we've covered that. What's going on?"

The baby part actually surprises me. I never thought that Elliot would be so chill to spill his very intimate life with.. me. A wave of hurt overcomes me at the thought of his revelation. Having kids. Starting a family. Ana would have been the one if I ever considered...

„Elliot.. I.." I'm loosing my calm. Shit. I can't do this.

„Has something happened to mum and dad?"

„No. God. No."

„Mia?"

„No."

„Ana?"

It's time. I have to admit to myself and the world that I lost her.

„She broke up with me." Again there's a longer silence. This conversation is the complete opposite to what I thought it would be.

„I'm sorry to hear that, bro. How are you doing?"

„Yeah.. Flynn has been over a few times. I may have scared Gail by taking too many sleeping pills."

„Shit! What?!" Elliot knows exactly how to read between the lines. I've been a shit show this last week.

„Elliot the reason I'm calling is.. Do you think I could come over sometime? You know…Spend a few days in Miami?"

This feeling. It's the same feeling I had when I knocked on his bedroom door after being expelled from my school for the very first time. Only to find that he wasn't home and was spending time with his friends at the basketball court.

„I don't think that's a good idea." Yeah, it's the exact same feeling. „You know. Kate is Ana's best friend. We don't want you to face her day after day and get her silent treatment." I wonder if Kavanagh knows. She would have told him if she did, right?

This is what I deserve after years of pushing people away. I cannot expect them to change their lives and jump over my walls to reach me. I have decided to live in my fortress. Secure but alone.

„I could come over for a few days instead. We could spend some bro time. I just have to check for a flight."

„Really? You'd do that?"

„Don't be an idiot. When are you free?"

„I've taken time off from work for.. An undefined time frame." Again Elliot must know what that means. What other reasons to treat this matter with so much urgency?

„I'll be there with the next flight."

„I'll send the jet. You can check with Taylor. "

„Nice. I'll see you tomorrow then."

This conversation has officially reached its end. How to finish it on a less awkward tone?

„See you soon, I guess?"

„Yeah. And Christian?"

„Yeah?"

„I love you, bro."

The following day I pick him up from the airport by myself. He's astonished to see it's me instead of Taylor who came but greets me just like always. The drive to my apartment is surprisingly pleasant. We talk about work and sports. Nothing that could derail me.

We decide to spend lunch at a sports bar. Not my usual dining spot but entertaining nonetheless. Afterwards we change scenery to a different bar and play dart and snooker the whole evening.

Without having mentioned Ana a single time that day we return home to call it a night. I cannot phrase how grateful I am for that.

The next day we head out early in morning to go hiking. Physical activities are the only thing that can calm my mind besides..fucking. Which is off the table for an.. undefined time frame. Too many of those lately.

After several hours of hiking we reach a spot between the pine trees with a picturesque view. Tired, I sit down on several dry logs and take a sip from my water bottle.

"Look at that view! Can't believe how much I miss Seattle." Elliot sighs after crashing down next to me. "Less mosquitos and alligators. For sure." He says. I just nod in agreement.

"So… little bro. Spill your guts."

"About what?"

"Oh c'mon. You didn't bring me here to just show me the scenery."

"I didn't bring you here to pussy talk, Elliot."

"Fine. You know, you're not the first or last person to suffer from rejection or heartbreak. " He takes a bite out of our packaged lunch.

"I know."

"Before meeting Kate there were several other woman who I thought were the one..."

"Ana was different…"I interrupt him. Alright. I'm giving in.

"I know." I look up from my lunch. "Do you really think people around you are blind? If you could impregnate women by giving them loving looks, that woman would carry your offspring right now."

"You're a jackhead, Elliot. You really are." I cannot help but laugh at his weird description of my love for Ana.

We finish our lunch. Packing away our stuff, I just sit there and ask myself what would happen if I just told him? What's the worst he could say?

„I asked her to marry me." I confess after a while.

„Man, women can be cruel."

„Actually, she didn't say no. She just wanted to wait until we got to know each other more." Even now after she had taken my heart and ripped it apart, I can't stand the idea of anyone having a wrong picture of her. Ana might have flaws but she was perfect for me. I won't let anyone doubt that. „You know. If I ever wanted to be with someone for the rest of my life... Have a family with. She would have been the one."

I shouldn't have said that. For the first time in my life I'm wrestling for composure and losing it completely in front of my older brother. The amount of anguish, embarrassment and despair I have endured lately has exceeded my fairly high tolerance.

I just can't take it anymore.

I wipe the tears away with swift motions. Elliot doesn't say anything. In a forgotten but all too familiar gesture he puts his hand on the back of my neck, giving it a light squeeze. On my safe territory. Just like he had in our teenage years when I shot a goal for our soccer team or finished my pile of chopping wood at grandpa's house faster than him.

„You're a good person, Christian, who's had to put up with a lot of shit in his life. There's nothing I could say or do to ease your pain. I just want you to know I'll always be there for you." I look from the ground back into his face.

Man, how could I've been so blind?

"Did you try to win her back?" he asks.

"No. The things she said were pretty… definite."

"Didn't stop you from going after what you wanted in the past." True.

"This is different." End of discussion. I don't know if it's the past conversation we had or my longing to stop talking about Ana. But I want to let go of all the baggage that has been holding me down.

„Remember that thing I told you in Miami?" I say after a while. At least this time Elliot knows when to stop pushing my buttons.

„Yeah…" He doesn't look at me while playing with a wooden stick, drawing shapes in the ground.

„It was one of mum's friends. You probably can guess who it was. I was fifteen when mum send me over for a summer job."

„You know. We weren't blind. We could tell that something must have happened to you because of the drastic change. But it was more that we thought you discovered masturbation or something."

I cannot help but laugh to that. Elliot grins as well.

„In hindsight I always knew it was wrong. I wouldn't have kept it secret for so long otherwise. It just took a long time for me to realize that…"

„Christian. How could you know any better? You were just a kid. She abused you"

„I guess.. she did."

To my surprise Elliot leans in to give me a hug.

„I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I should have been there for you."

„What? This isn't your fault!"

„Of course it is. At some point I just didn't care about you anymore. I just wanted to compensate your shit for mum and dad. I wasn't there for you when you needed me." he says.

„I have a great therapist if you want to talk about it.." we look at each other and start laughing again.

„You'll always be a pain in the ass. Won't you?"

I stand up and dust off my pants.

„Some things probably never change." Elliot follows me and we make our way back down.

"Are you going to tell mum?"

"No. It would destroy her."

"What about her?"

"I've just cut ties with her. I'm not going to push any legal charges. Wouldn't be very beneficial for keeping it a secret.. "

"Christian. People like her need to be prosecuted!"

"Probably. But the wellbeing of our family is more important to me. I'm not going to ruin that."

"What if she does it again? To another young boy? How could you live with that?"

I stop in my tracks. I never thought about that to be honest.

"I don't think she would." Elena isn't a pedophile in the classical sense. What we had was more of an opportunist thing. Still…doesn't covering for her make me aiding and abetting in any future offenses?

"How would you know?"

"I guess Elena just liked me despite my age. She isn't into pedophilia…" Me being receptive for dominant behavior and channeling my problems through unhealthy coping mechanisms instead of facing them, made me the perfect victim for her.

"Elena Lincoln!?"

"Yeah."

"I can't believe it! And I invited that witch to our wedding!"