Chapter Thirteen – I want more

Christian

There's a permanent grin on my face.

As a matter of fact, I can't remember the last time I smiled this long, and it's almost to the point where it's uncomfortable . . . but I can't stop.

Lost in my thoughts, I mindlessly belt through the lobby and then straight to my floor. When the elevator door's part I raise my hand to my efficient staff and kindly request that they give me a few minutes before we commence the day. Once in the sanctuary of my office, I dial his number before I can relieve myself of my coat. I impatiently pace with my hands deep in my pockets as I listen to the phone ring through the speaker.

"What's wrong? Is everything alright?" his voice comes through suddenly.

"God, why do you keep doing that? Nothing's wrong. How is your honeymoon?"

"How's my honeymoon? . . . It's going great, sun, sea and lots of sex. Hot sex might I add . . "

"You can stop right there, Elliot. You're with your wife, why would you want to share that information with me"

"Hey, you wanted to know, and why did you call, is it Ana again?"

"Yeah, it's her alright! It's always her . . . . and you're wrong about something".

"I'm wrong about something, pray do tell" he brogues amused.

"You said I have no vested interest in Anastasia . . . . . you're wrong about that . . . . This morning, I realized that I care about her"

Silence . . . .

"Are you there, Elliot?" I repeat.

"Yes, I heard what you said, you care about her. But what does that mean exactly"

"What do you mean what do I mean?"

He sighs, "Look, Christian. . ."

"No, wait," I cut him off hastily, "I know what you're thinking and I'm not wrong about this. She cares for me too, but it's different. She wants us to be friends"

"You, friends with a woman? You think you can do that?"

"And why not?"

"You've never had a woman who was just your friend, Christian . . . . You said she wants to be friends, are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. She didn't say it in those exact words, but I know that's what she wants"

"Alright, and what do you want" he states.

"Well, for now, I want Mother to be happy. I want to fulfill her expectations and keep Mia's talons away from her pronouncements . . . . Mia's taking her to Milan this weekend"

"I wasn't talking about Mother, but since we're on the topic, why is Mia making Mother travel so soon? She just came out of the hospital, did you agree to this?"

"No, I didn't, but she insists on going"

"I don't like this, Christian"

"Neither do I, Elliot, but I guess we'll have to wait and see what tricks Mia has up her sleeve this time".

"You think she's still trying to get Mother to change the will?"

"I don't know, it would be a good time as any, your guess is as good as mine"

"You didn't answer my question about Ana . . . . What do you want from her?"

I pause, "Nothing, I want nothing from her"

"You don't sound too convincing, I mean, you wouldn't just give in so easily, unless . . . Unless you more than care about her," he reveals in astonishment.

Elliot

Through the scenic coastline, crashing waves, and salty ocean breeze, dead silence blares on the other end of the call and I'm beginning to wonder if he's still there.

"Christian, are you there?"

"Yeah, I'm here,"

"Are you in love with her?"

"Honestly, I can't answer that, because I don't know" he mumbles hesitantly.

"I don't believe you, you do know," I encourage, "but you don't think she feels the same way" He's silent again . . . then I read his thoughts. "Well I'll be damned"

"Let's keep this between us, okay"

"Okay," I grin wide, "Have you thought about telling her?"

"A few times . . . then we would argue. Anyway, I'll just be making a fool out of myself, she practically hates me and she's still hung up over her ex. You know that man is hanging around chasing after her. If she wasn't Kate's brother I would have killed him already"

"No, please don't, at least do it when I'm there. From what Kate said about him the guy is a certified asshole, and he's really bad for Ana"

"I know, and somehow I think she's afraid of him"

Another long pause comes through as I patiently wait for him to speak. Across from me, Kate is mutely jubilant, wide-eyed, and leaning forward against the table. In her exuberance to discover more, she stopped eating and pushed her meal off to the side.

"Sorry for interrupting your honeymoon, tell Kate I said hi and see you in two days"

"Sure thing"

The conversations end instantly and I can't help but think that he wanted to say more. My focus goes back to Kate and she hasn't moved since I last glimpsed her.

"Katie, you need to blink, you need to let me know that you're okay," I say in a playful tone.

She stands swiftly from her chair dramatically bringing her hands to her chest. "I was right, wasn't I; they're falling in love with each other, and Christian is going to tell her first"

"No, Christian won't say it first, Ana will"

"Oh no, there's no way Ana is going to admit her feelings to Christian, she won't even admit it to me"

"And you think Christian told me how he felt about her, he couldn't even get the words out. My money's on Ana, she going to cave first, and Christian can hold out for a long time. He's already convinced that she doesn't have a tolerable bone in her body for him"

"And she feels the same way about him"

"So there you have it" I make my way slowly to her, "we have two stubborn, proud individuals who're afraid to admit how they feel about each other"

"I think we should help them" She wriggled her brows mischievously.

"No, I think not, baby. We shouldn't interfere; if they're destined to be together, it will happen"

"We'll see, Mr. Grey" she coos, wrapping her arms around my neck.

"How about a friendly wager then, Mrs. Grey"

"You're on," she challenges before bringing my lips to hers.

Ana

"Well you're in a good mood today something special happened last night"

"None of your business, Jack" I utter, keeping my eyes straight moving past him.

"At least you could've returned my call, now I see why you didn't. What's going on, Ana" Jack stomps after me through the winding maze of stainless steel and fresh produce.

"Nothing," I say simply, but it's not enough.

"That doesn't look like nothing to me, did your husband do that to you?"

I say good morning and smile courteously at one of our local traders shuffling in with a crate of greens. An avalanche of questions comes pouring out of Jack's mouth when he's an earshot away, only I hear what he has to say and I don't answer. The concern in his low voice and the obvious worry on his face has the handful of people I just passed by attention and by now I'm so self-aware that I think they're probably staring at us as we make our way to the back.

Coffee, my salvation fills the room to the eating area as I push the door open, I rush over instantly to pour myself a cup. I don't falter or cringe as I use my hand as if nothing happened.

"You have practical exams in two weeks, Ana, two weeks"

"I know, believe me, I'm okay. Think about it, this will be the perfect time to catch up on some reading. Don't you think?" I inhale the steam rising from the cup and take a sip while I lean against the cupboard.

"What happened to your hand?"

"I had an accident with some glass; I should be good in a week. Really, don't worry about it"

"Look, I know you had your heart set on Pastry Chef, and believe me you're excellent at it but I know you'll make an exceptional Junior Chef. You have so much more to learn and I believe you can do it. I've worked side by side with great students over the years but I've never seen someone who is more dedicated or driven than you, Ana . . . . So I've decided to relinquish my position as your guide"

Before the cup slips out of my hands, again. I place it gently on the counter and cross my arms over my chest. "Why Jack, I don't understand?"

"I'm saying that I'm handed you over to Philippa until she resigns . . . . You will train with her to be the next Pâtissier"

Anxiety floods my existence and I'm on the brink of tears.

"Why are you doing this?" I can only say.

"Because I know that's where your heart is. Look we've had our differences from time to time but Ana, I know you're headstrong, efficient and you'll make an excellent leader one day, but I have a feeling that's not where you want your life to go right now and I'm not going to hold you back . . . . . Philippa, Greg and I discussed it two days ago, so you can take up with her today. Just thought I should tell you first"

At first, I'm flabbergasted by the level of thoughtfulness he's displaying, it's both alarming and unnerving.

"Truly . . . I don't know what to say. Thank you, Jack"

"You're welcome and meant what I said about being a good Junior Chef . . . . Now that I'm not your mentor anymore can we go celebrate with a drink later?" he jokes, grinning.

"We could, but I'll have to tell my husband first," I say pointedly.

"Oh, him, I forgot about him," he eyes my other hand, "Just an accident, huh"

"It was completely my fault"

"I believe you. Just take care of yourself, and if you haven't noticed you've changed since you got married to that man"

So they say, I echo in my mind. In all my years knowing Jack I've never seen this side of him, he's almost like a big brother type. He gives me one more smile and departs the room.

. . . . . . . .

"What do you think happened," I ask as I set iced cake squares diagonally across the serving tray.

"I don't know what brought on the change of heart" she replies focused on assembling each fruit tartlet to perfection. "Maybe his conscience is beginning to frown on him for all the times he doubted your talents"

"You think this is a test?" I state, wrinkling my nose.

"No, I think he's genuine this time. If not, he's a damn good liar"

"I don't want to believe he's lying, maybe his heart came back to life"

"Or maybe his small heart grew three times that day"

I crumpled my face and suppressed my oncoming laughter, "Did you just quote The Grinch?"

She chuckles, continuing her task, "How is your hand?"

"It's alright" I turn my palm upward glancing at the bandage through the transparent glove.

"How is that gorgeous husband of yours?"

Her question catches me off-guard and I end up biting my lip and blushing profusely, "He's good"

"Just, good"

"Yeah . . . I mean we have our good days. But these days it's a bit, uncomfortable. We're avoiding each other, but we had a nice talk this morning"

"I know" she reveals, "You mirror his daily moods. I would know if things are good or bad with you two . . . . Earlier in the week, you were upset and grumpy and now, you're cheerful"

"I didn't know I was grumpy, I'm sorry"

Her focus is now trained on me, "Why do you need to apologize, Ana? What affects him will affect you and vice versa, I can see that you love him dearly and I can tell he loves you too"

I forget how to breathe and my mouth hangs slack, "You don't know what you're talking about, Philippa. Christian and I are . . . . I can't explain it, but it's not love"

"You remembered how you were when came back from your honeymoon. . ."

I cut her off, red-faced "I had a good time"

"You were gushing" she emphasizes, "And then you couldn't stop talking about Kate's wedding"

"Because it was Kate's wedding, she's my best friend. I was excited for her. Really, Philippa, I don't see your point"

"Of course, you don't" she waves mockingly, "But I saw the pictures in the paper from the wedding. A man doesn't look at a woman like that if he doesn't love her"

"And you can see that from a picture in the newspaper," I say with mild skepticism.

"Yes, I can . . . . and if you don't believe you're in love, why did you marry him, Ana?" she questions concerned.

"It's complicated, but it's okay. It's just, that things aren't what they seem. We're not in love, Philippa"

"I don't believe that you're too stubborn to see the obvious. You need to come to your senses, you love that man more than you're willing to admit, which is strange for a newly married woman . . . . . The next time he smiles, think about yourself and what you felt at that point in time or when he hurts, you feel it too, it isn't pitying, it's more than that. You feel it shattering your soul, your life. That's what it means to love someone completely, their pain is your pain, their joy is your joy".

I shake my head in doubt and get back to arranging the next tray. She continues her duties.

"Gerald and I went to an old friend's dinner party a few days ago. Unfortunately, Elena was there. . . ."

"Of course, she was, where wouldn't she be. She's got her hooks in every wealthy family in Seattle"

"Yes, including yours" she answers, still concentrating on setting the desserts, "Your sister-in-law Mia Grey, I saw them talking for a while. I didn't know Elena knew your sister-in-law"

"She doesn't, or at least she didn't a couple of weeks ago"

A rush of apprehension washes over me as I recall the time she reminded me of her acquaintance with Jack and how eager she was to meet Mia. In the back of my mind, I begin to question Jack's motives for handing me over to Philippa.

"Help me stack these" she motions to the wire racks.

Mute, I assist her until it's complete.

"Are you working late?" she inquires.

"No, not today. I have something important to do after work"

"Well . . . you're late" She nudges her chin to the clock on the wall.

It's twenty past three and Christian's probably waiting outside. Ten quick minutes later I changed out of my uniform and I'm jogging through the entrance. Surprisingly, he's waiting patiently on the sidewalk. No car and no Taylor with him. Huffing and puffing, I place my hands on my knees and gasp for breath.

"Are you okay?"

I give him a quick thumbs up and continue to pant.

"You didn't have to hurry"

I straighten myself immediately, "I wasn't hurrying, what makes you think I was hurrying,"

"I can see that," he shakes his head, unconvinced.

Not swayed by my pointless comment, I divert my eyes to our surroundings. The afternoon is a bit dark and gloomy.

"It's going to rain" I note.

"I don't think so" he looks up, "At least not now, we're walking a couple of blocks"

I glance towards the skies again, "It's going to rain, Christian"

"Are you afraid of the rain, Anastasia?" he sinks his hands in his pockets.

"No, are you?" I contest, sizing him up with a generous smile. We both turn and pace slowly, side by side. "Some people hate the rain, not me. I love it, especially at night"

"Interesting, any particular reason"

"Umm, it's soothing, and I get to sleep longer"

"I'll try to remember that"

"Why are we walking?"

His eyes dip to the sidewalk, and his hands are still deep in his pockets, "I thought it would be nice to take a walk, you and me."

"Really . . . . I never figured you to do something like this. This is cool, a chance to walk in the city, it's dark and about to rain and I didn't bring an umbrella".

"And I wanted to talk. Usually, when we converse it's either at home where we do our customary shouting matches, or on the phone where it's curt and direct. Out here I think we can relax" he notes looking around at the people hurrying by, "I parked a few blocks away, so we don't have far to go"

I nod and deliberately maintain my slow pace.

"I wanted to do something nice for you-"

I stop abruptly, suddenly feeling embarrassed. My face reddens completely, and I scrunch my face trying to keep myself from blushing, "Why, why would you want to do something like that?"

"Do I need a reason, all I've done so far is antagonize you"

My eyes flick sideways, and I resume our stroll, "Well, since we're being honest, I'm guilty of provoking you too, and I'm sorry, I really am" I shrug.

The wind picks up and a long-drawn-out pause flows between us.

"Today I received a phone call from one of our bankers. It started off with the usual then he mentioned you requested start-up capital for your new business".

I open my mouth to speak but he doesn't allow it.

"I didn't think it was intentional, Anastasia-"

"But that's supposed to be private"

"And I agree, but you're my wife, the whole of Seattle knows you're my wife"

My teeth catch my bottom lip when it begins to tremble. It wasn't what he said but how he said it. But soon, my mind comes out of my short-lived euphoric state.

"They were supposed to call me and they haven't. Did you do something?"

"No . . . . not yet"

I'm about to object when he raises his right hand, "I want to give you that property. I want to help you"

I close my eyes and bring my hands to my face. "I can't accept that, Christian. Don't take this the wrong way but I don't need your money"

"I understand, you want to do this on your own-"

I nod, "Exactly"

"But think of it as a gift, from me to you"

"That's a costly gift, Christian. I shouldn't . . ."

"You're overthinking things, and it's rude to refuse a gift, Anastasia"

"God why are you doing this to me," I grumble in mock frustration, "Alright, but I have to show you what your money is purchasing"

"I already did, I took the liberty and went there for myself"

"And . . . . what do you think?"

"It's scenic, and the location is ideal"

Out of the blue, I feel bubbly and excited, "I can't believe you're doing this. So what did you tell the bank?"

"That you'll get back to them tomorrow"

I exhale, "Thank you, Christian. This day keeps getting better and better. This morning Jack told me he decided that Philippa should be my guide, I'm to be the next Pastry Chef when she resigns"

"And that's good news?"

"It's excellent news, but honestly I didn't think I would get the position."

"Oh, you're so modest" he taunts, "You shouldn't doubt your talents, Anastasia. Your culinary delights are delectable, without the cinnamon of course"

I smile and keep my eyes down on the pavement as we continue to walk leisurely.

"This was really nice of you, Christian. But I have to tell you I only accept gifts from people I trust" I disclose.

"So I guess you trust me"

"I have to, you're my husband, remember? And you promised to look out for me, so I have no choice . . . . . Yes, I trust you".

"That's good to know because I trust you too"

Another round of silence shuffles between us before he speaks again.

"You don't know me, and it's been that way because that's how I wanted it to be. The only way we can get to know each other is if we open up to one another"

I hesitate, "Are you sure about this?"

"Yes I'm sure, and I know what I said earlier. There were times when I shut you out, that wasn't fair. So this me, doing my best to be rational, I'm extending an olive branch here"

I smile, "I accept your olive branch, Christian, thank you"

We remain hushed for a while as the wind picks a little, whipping my hair away from my shoulders.

"There's something I want to tell you, something I want to share . . . . . I haven't been able to sleep peacefully for a very long time. And somehow I did, last night with you next to me . . . Why didn't you wake me?"

I pause long enough to answer truthfully, "You were in agony, you seemed troubled by your visions. I didn't want to scare you"

His hands sink into his pockets, "That's not the answer I'm looking for, Anastasia"

"What do you want me to say?"

"I'm trying to be open about everything, Anastasia. Our relationship, my feelings, the fact that certain things you do bother me immensely-"

"Like what?"

"Well for starters Ethan Kavanagh, I don't like the fact that you're afraid of him, and I want you to know that as long as we're together or even this union doesn't last, there's nothing to be afraid of"

"So you want me to be open, share things with you"

"If you want to, but yes I would like that" he replies.

My hand begins to tremble so I fist it tight and place it at my side. Being guarded is my safety net and Christian is asking me to take it away. In the distance, the sound of thunderclaps in the stormy heavens. Without looking at him I suddenly quicken my pace, I can hear him pacing quickly at my heels.

"Anastasia, slow down," he beckons.

Yes, Anastasia, slow down, but why should I? I should be running, run away from him.

Openness can lead to other emotions, we could start with friendship then it could go either way. We can grow to love each other, or worse, hate each other. It's a bit overwhelming thinking about what can happen from here forward. Christian's presence suddenly becomes intense, earlier I had to explain myself to Philippa, and now this. These days my emotions have been switched on and off by every action and reaction of his, I've never been so consumed and overcome by one person. I was upset with him for the past three days and that all thawed when he defended me and tended to my hand. On top of that, we slept in the same bed with his arms around me, and at this point, nothing can compare to this morning waking up next to him. Just thinking about him is making it hard to breathe.

"Anastasia, what are you doing?" I hear him shout and I'm yanked backward.

My cloudy mind clears and I'm perched on the edge of the sidewalk directly in the path of oncoming traffic.

"Oh my god, sorry, I'm sorry"

Genuine concern mars his face, "Be careful, are you alright?"

With his hand gripping my forearm our eyes suddenly lock on to each other. I can feel him inching closer and I can't help but shiver as he nears. My mind is screaming to step back but instead, I feel myself intentionally leaning away. His other hand moves beneath my jacket and smoothly curves around my waist. The rims of my eyes slowly expand and my head shakes from left to right slowly. He wants to kiss me and I want to kiss him . . . . but I can't. Not like this, not when I'm not sure what this is.

"Anastasia, I care about you deeply," he says sincerely.

His confession weighs heavily on my chest. Part of me is screaming for joy and jumping around, the other part is secretly wishing for something more. Caring is not all that is needed for that part of me . . . it needs more . . . it needs him.

"I care about you too, Christian" I whisper half-heartedly.

For a moment he stalls and searches my face, trying to read my expression. A single raindrop smacks my cheek, immediately putting an end to this almost intimate moment. We glance towards the skies and I feel him slowly withdrawing himself from me. Just as the traffic stops, he takes me by the hand and we gait briskly for the rest of the way. We maintain complete silence and remain locked through our intertwined fingers.

Christian

The weather is reflecting my current mood.

Well, it could be worse. She could have told me that she felt nothing for me. My gut was right; she wanted to be friends. I wanted to kiss her so badly, but I felt her slowly pulling away.

We got out in time, the rains came pouring down just as we got in the car. The entire ride home was silent, I'd asked myself the same question for almost half an hour. Would it make a difference if she knew? Maybe it would, she would get to know something about me; something only my family knows. When we got to the car, I decided to take her to dinner. At the time it was a needed distraction for me, I had to take my mind off what I wanted to tell her. But Anastasia is a smart woman, I know she's curious about what I said to her this morning, and it hasn't happened yet. And now, we're mutely riding the elevator to the Penthouse.

A flash of lightning illuminates the darkness of the apartment just when the doors to the lift open. She indicates that she's going to get a few things then jogs down the corridor out of sight.

Kate

"Hello, Ana, how are things?"

"Kate," she replies worrisome. "Things aren't good, I'm in such a mess"

"Hold on, Ana", my eyes glance sideways to Elliot sitting next to me in bed, he's pretending not to listen. "Baby, it's Ana, I'm going to talk to her in the next room".

"Is she okay?" he mouths.

"I don't know" I respond silently, quickly scooting off the bed and then straight to the balcony.

"Ana, I'm here. What happened?"

"Kate . . . I'm in love with him"

A mile-long grin stretches across my face, "Who? Christian?"

"Yes Kate, Christian"

"This is great, but why don't you sound happy about it"

"Because I'm not sure, I think he wants to be friends, he cares about me deeply".

"You're overreacting, did he actually say that?"

"Yes, I'm quoting him"

"If you love him, Ana, when are you planning to tell him?"

"No! I can't tell him, I just told you he cares about me and that's it"

"I think you're wrong, hun. You're reading too much into this, maybe he's concealing his feelings for you, maybe there's more than what you're seeing"

"What are you talking about?"

"Call it a hunch . . . . I think he loves you too"

"Why is everyone saying that and he's the only one who's not . . . . You think if I tell him first he will admit it"

"No, don't do that" I blurt out, "I mean don't tell him first, let him tell you. You have to be sure; you don't want to be too impulsive now do you? If he loves you he should be man enough to say it"

"I get what you're saying, but . . ."

"But nothing, Ana. You need to be sure about this alright".

"Okay"

"We'll be home by tomorrow. The troupe is having a dinner party tomorrow night and they've invited all of us, so it will be you, me and the Grey brothers. Don't do anything before I get home, Ana"

". . . . . ."

"Ana. . ."

"Alright, I'll try not to . . I can't promise though"

"Try hard, I don't want you to get hurt again"

"I know . . . . I hope I didn't interrupt anything"

"No, silly, we haven't started that yet"

"Ughhh, Kate . . . goodbye"

"Bye, Ana"