"You know, when I said we may need to land, I wasn't thinking about this, but I guess the Lord's house provides for those in need?"
"Chuh, like hell it does. Just make sure we're refueled and ready to go, I don't trust anyone with a hat bigger than their head, puchuh."
"'Course you don't. Alright, give it half an hour and we'll see how the weather's doing."
You handily ignore the discussion going on in the background, the background characters having it irrelevant entirely. Instead, you gaze out into the distance, watching the buildings older than dirt and the people that for some reason believe in some god-figure and universal order that does not originate from you.
They really should know better. Like, what does religion really have, the bible? That one's totally made up, as far as anyone nonmagical would know. Sure, if you are magical, you may believe it could portray true events, but personally you've never been big on belief over knowledge.
You don't know there isn't some benevolent almighty deity out there, but you do know that no matter how much they begged god to save them, none of your victims ever received salvation at any hands other than your own, whether they were faithful priests or the worst sinners of the lot. You will admit your sample size isn't really super large, of course, but not once did an angel descend to stay your hand, nor did heavenly light fall upon them to whisk them away from your clutches.
Personally, if there is a god, you believe he would be an asshole uninterested in his believers beyond whatever use he can get out of them. At best. Like, anyone that reads the bible should be forgiven for coming to that conclusion.
That's all a very long diatribe to get around to the fact you have managed to, of all places, land inside the Vatican, the perhaps holiest place on Earth. Maybe there are, like, more holy places, but you aren't an expert and you won't care about the exact distinctions here until and unless they become relevant.
In the meantime, you shall be out to explore!
"Chuh, where did- Chuhackie! This is not a place to explore!"
You cannot hear the ugly magical mascot, you are a magical girl on a mission! Now where do they hide the sexy nuns around here…
Finding your way in an environment you are not used to would be difficult… if you didn't have the manifold conveniences of modern technology at the tips of your fingers at all times. As it is, though you suspect *oo*le Maps may not be entirely accurate in this place, more so than usually at any rate, you can still find your way back to where the plane is parked until you can ride it without the entire world turning and twisting in an effort to make you vomit.
Curse the laws of physics, for they have allowed this travesty to happen. You shall swiftly outlaw motion sickness once you take control of reality, yes indeed! That'll show vertigo who's boss.
With the way back cleared up, however, you still have to find a destination worthy of your great greatness… You briefly consider looking for the biggest cathedral around, but no, that would be too simple and mundane. As in, if any mundane schmuck can find it based on its size, it can't be that important, right? Right.
So you choose an alternative method instead. Casting out your mystical senses, readied to feel concentrations of power, you begin to wander into whatever direction tickles your fancy, looking for anything that stick out compared to the rest of things. There are a few other people out and about, but you don't mind them; they are, fundamentally, bystanders to your great crusade to conquer this epicentre of a false religion (one that does not revere yourself).
"Pu-chuh, you won't ever find anything like this." Brian, who came to run after you, sounds almost… relieved, as he explains how ill-thought out your plans were. "Chuuh! Exactly! Not to mention the wards disguising-"
You abandon the ruse inside your thoughts the moment he tells you what you need to know. Some kinds of wards are set up to hide the magical signatures of any interesting places or objects you would totally steal, so… No, doesn't work, but if… Maybe…
"… Chuh?!"
Hah, you got it. The wards themselves are hidden from your abilities as well, but when you pay close attention, close enough to blot out the world around you as you concentrate entirely on what you are sensing, so much so that Brian's surprised babbling right next to you is completely cast aside when you close your eyes… You can feel it.
There are irregularities inside the magical background radiation of the Vatican. Normally, most places are going to have some level of magical energy going on just as a matter of course, a passive process nobody concerns themselves with because of how natural it is and how exceedingly minute the actual energy involved is, but you, of course, can delve into it when you must, your excessively fine-tuned third eye allowing you to make it out in some level of detail.
The wards Brian mentioned are made well, well enough to even disguise themselves amidst this background radiation, giving off the exact same wavelength, for lack of a better term… but for all that anyone else would be fooled, there are slight differences in the actual background magic and the energies given off to match it, not in its type, but in its amount.
Simply put, the wards take a moment or two to adjust their output when the environmental mana fluctuates, which in itself could be mistaken for natural processes of mana spreading out whenever there's a spike somewhere in the area, but these ones are too regular, for lack of a better word. Tracing the weird fluctuations, comparing them and feeling for where what comes from…
You have a target now.
"This is a spectachuharly bad idea and chuch should forget about it immediately." You glance down at Brian, then grab him and stuck him into your pocket once again.
"Muh, loot kittens," you command, creating several of the adorable things. "Bring me the loot."
They scatter in all directions, scouting for valuables. You won't demand the pope's hat, but to be clear you wouldn't complain about a Bishop's either, or maybe two, even. That said, you must proceed onward where you felt the largest and most masterfully-done ward against magical detection, soon sneakily sneaking into a church that seems almost conspicuously humble and out of the way despite standing in the middle of the Vatican.
"Chuuh, this will be such a pain I can already feel it," Brian mutters, powerless to stop you despite his repeated attempts to swish his tail around. You are beyond such trifling manipulation; you simply go through with a decision made, regardless of what else you may think of it or any momentary lapses of memory, rendering any and all attempts to stop you, including those made by yourself, useless!
It was totally worth it to pretend you didn't notice what Brian has been doing and go along with it in the moment until now. So great is your mental fortitude that you even deliberately fooled yourself into believing nothing untoward was going on, all so you could bulldoze straight through his feeble attempts at stopping your inexorable march forward! Haha! Muahaha! Muuuuu-hahahahahahahah! "Fufufu…"
"… Chuh, I still can't tell whether you're a genius or a complete moron."
How rude. The obvious answer is that you're a Jackie. "Muh."
At any rate, the church you're approaching is almost austere in appearance, but seeing as there's a massive magical ward set up around it, the building itself at the very center, you're going to assume it's somehow important, so of course you'll be getting inside to take a look. There were some actually openly revealed sites of magic you sensed earlier as well of course, but those were so weak and so obvious you quickly decided they couldn't be all that interesting; knowing what you do now, you'll go out on a limb and assume they're meant as decoys.
"Puchuuh, not everyone has such a warped sense of power. In all the ways that can be taken, chuh."
There are actual guards around, now that you're looking, but you're somewhat of an infiltration expert when you want to be, for the record. Creating a business suit and sunglasses to replace your magical girl outfit, you pretend to be one of them, your disguise allowing you to avoid scrutiny until you're basically hugging the building.
The power to create any clothes you need at a moment's notice truly is one of the more underestimated even by yourself, but it really does come in handy.
That all done, you still need to find a way inside… but waiting for the right opportunity, you simply fire off an icicle lance to break a door open, nobody close enough to investigate the noise you go to great pains to muffle and using the ward meant to hide the church in question to disguise the spell as well.
"Chuuh, keelhaul me double, you're actually thinking."
Again, rude. You do all your best thinking when you're pining after sexy nuns whose habits just wait for a big, strong Jackie to unravel themselves.
"…"
Just thinking about it, a nun's habit is essentially the ultimate gift-wrapping, isn't it? It hides all of what it's meant to hide, yet when one touches it, feels it up and down, they can make out the contours of what they wish to find, the cloth a barrier, yet a flimsy one before determined hands.
"………"
There is much to be said for beauties of all shapes and sizes of course, yet you always were partial to nuns. Something about the pure devotion, real or feigned, to a higher power melting away as they are worked over by that which they are not meant to have, consensually so or otherwise, the forbidden pleasure forcing itself through anything in its way, kneading and squeezing flesh that was meant to be hidden…
"………………………"
"Muh. Shut up."
As you finally make your way into the place you wanted to investigate, you can't help but look around a bit, curious about how exactly everything looks like. There are church pews, but they are clustered around a central area, with no altar in sight; instead, they seem to be positioned to let anyone sitting face several windows. There are large candlesticks holding many of the waxen menaces, understated light streaming inside, statues set into the walls even… And it all points towards a particular area.
You approach it, naturally. Your magical senses are still affected by the wardings all around, but even so you'd need to be blind to miss that whatever is here is greatly powerful. You just need to-
The ground moves, the missing altar rising up from it. With it comes a surge of energy, pure power so obvious is tingles on your skin even without enhanced senses, and you see-
A mirror image of yourself, manifesting itself inside and out of the surge of mana. She has the same face, the same hair, just worn differently, and even her clothes are reminiscent of your own, just with several additional prominent Christian crosses and a couple minor differences starting with color.
Your doppelganger looks at you, a halo of jagged light appearing behind her as she opens her eyes. From her hands, pure golden light flows as well, turning into a long chain bearing yet another cross. "Unauthorized intruder detected. Deploying safety protocol. Identify yourself. Sit Deus vobiscum."
"Muh." Her clothes may be fluffy, but yours are way more stylish. Also, is that a maid's headdress she wears? Obviously not something that you would ever use; your role is to be served, not to serve.
Clearly, you need to find a way to get past this guard-thing, the magic it radiates not enough to cloak that it is also made from said magic. At a guess, it's some kind of magical safety mechanism that confronts intruders with copies of themselves, which would explain why it looks like you.
Naturally, fighting yourself would be extremely noticeable. You have to commend whoever designed this system, of course; the only existence within this reality you could not simply swat aside like a bug (a small, unassuming one you do not have to touch, not any of the terrible things that kept your Ice-Type prisoner) would be yourself, as you yourself are the only being that could possibly stand up to your own omnipotence.
Well played, probably dead old person. Well played indeed. However, The Jackie (trademark pending) is smarter than you yet- you are about to be outwitted and outplayed in turn, just watch!
As a copy of yourself, this is a Jackie. As a Jackie, she is obviously you. You are, then, on your own side, because anything else would be stupid where you are a genius.
Similarly, you would not believe just about anyone when they claim to be yourself. Therefore, in order to turn this magical creation's loyalties and gain access to whatever loot you can find in this place, you must prove your identity through speaking your codephrase for moments such as these, as you have obviously prepared!
"Muh muh, mumumuh, muh muh, muh."
The magical clone stares at you, eyes blank. For a moment, you consider whether it may have been created faulty, unable to understand the nuances of your extremely expressive verbalization, but in the end it once again opens its mouth.
"Input unclear. Please repeat."
Not about to not do this, as you would want to be absolutely sure in its place as well, you do so. "Muh muh, mumumuh, muh muh, muh."
Another pause follows, its mind obviously overcome with rapture at the revelation that there are now two of yourself in the world.
"Input unclear. Accessing database… Language not found. Error." Your words go beyond mere words, mere language, directly entering the realm of superior communication in concepts, ideas, entire libraries of thoughts! "Interpreting mental layer. Error. Mental layer erroneous."
"Muh!" How rude. You are not erroneous, you are better. Not your fault lesser ways to decrypt what people think are too pathetically weak to even begin to grapple with your greatness.
"Chuh, this has to be the most convolutchuh expression of extreme megalomania I have ever witnessed. And I am older than chuchuchuh chuh chuh."
"Input unclear. Please repeat." You are slowly getting the impression this other Jackie does not want to be part of the Jackie. Not that it will stop you from impressing on her that she is.
"Muh muh, mumumuh, muh muh, muh."
This time, the magical body double simply freezes in place, seemingly unable to decide between its individual Jackieness and the Greater Jackieness that is the combination between the two of you. Finally, though, it comes to a conclusion. You think.
Still floating in the air, the Jackie-construct begin to slowly rotate in place, eyes rolling and twitching in all directions erratically. "Chuuh! I can't believe it, puchuh! You triggered the failsafe, chuh, that should keep it from attacking allies!"
"Muh. All according to kei-ka-ku." You nod to yourself, satisfied. Now where's the treasure? The altar? Well, only one way to find out, you suppose.
Fancy little church these people have here. Would be a shame if someone were to… Jackie it.
Beyond the magical safety is the altar, and beyond the altar you find a flight of stairs leading you down underground, thanks to thorough application of force through repeatedly fired ice lances (at an angle). You'd think these people would actually put effort into armoring this stuff, but nope, after all of the camouflage, the extreme mundane and magical security, this is just stone.
Magically charged and pretty thick stone, yes, but you'd have expected a little more effort being put into this.
Descending down the stairs, you find that they even have magical lights down there, iridescent glows coming from what seems to be magical candleholders crossed with more modern designs, globes of glass on iron rods holding the light within themselves, flickering to life as you come near.
"Muh. Homey."
"Chuuh, congratulations. Normally you'd need to be a bishop at minimum to be in here, chuh, and even then you'd need to justify yourself."
Brian, by now once again stuffed into the folds of your dress, is promptly ignored, his commentary truly useless and unnecessary. Old men in stupid dresses have nothing to do with this situation and even if they did, they'd have trouble just making it up and down the stairs by themselves.
Anyways, before long you come upon a door. This door is locked, requiring a key, and you can clearly see the magical field waiting to spring into action to hold back any intruders without one.
However, you are not an intruder. You are the Jackie, here to reclaim your rightful property, and you have a way in that is entirely legitimate and not at all you applying brute force. Because the builders of this place, they got sloppy, making one fatal mistake.
They warded the door, but not the walls around it. In their favor, the outside circumference of the church is protected against anyone digging through into this place, but now that you're already in it…
Repeated firing of more ice lance spells has you chisel straight through right next to the door, hammering through ancient stonework like it was nothing. Which it is, before the majestic greatness that is yourself.
"Chuh, this will generate so much paperwork…"
It doesn't take all that long until you're through, emerging into a chamber. Not any chamber, of course; the walls are covered in gold, the gleaming metal depicting various scenes you assume to be biblical, some of which you can even make an educated guess on such as the woman holding up an apple and the scruffy dude dragging a giant cross on his back. That said, that's not the main attraction, of course, as your magical senses confirm.
Towards the back wall, beyond the reliefs that would probably fetch a couple tens of thousands of bucks or so, you see it. A Christian cross, richly decorated in gold itself all the while its main body is kept black with red stripes running down the arms, one each for the three shorter ones up to and two side by side for the longest one. An insignia made of more gold takes up the crossing part where everything meets, not that you recognize it, and even an added little cross on top of itself.
Down below it, in its own glass case near the ground, you see a golden apple, its skin a pleasing hue that looks just like a real, red apple if it was grown in gold instead.
Both of these things are massive wellsprings of mana, magic virtually pouring out of them. "Muh."
"Chuuh, the Cross of Virgin Mary and the Fruit of Knowledge of Good and Evil. Two things that should never fall into your hands, chuh."
You're already grabbing for the cross, ripping and tearing where it's stuck in the wall. With a few attempts, you eventually heave it off, giving it a good look. It's about as tall as yourself, which makes it the size of a giant, of course, and seems like it would for an excellent fit-
Your guns vibrate, pulsing energy meeting the frequency of your new acquisition. Confused but also curious, you draw them, your magical girl weapons not usually being like this. Pointedly, normally they're, well, pretty inert, just a focus through which you use your own power, but right now they feel almost alive.
As if drawn towards it magnetically, they shoot out of your hands towards the cross, stabby bits piercing deeply into it… before they sink deeper, disappearing inside like it was a liquid instead of a solid object
"Muh!" Mildly worried, you grasp for them, unwilling to lose your stuff no matter what stuff it is, but when your hands meet the cold metal of the thing that just ate your guns, it poofs away, replaced by them in turn.
You hold them up, head tilted.
"Muh." Banging them together, you are suddenly holding the cross again, heavy weight noticeable even with your immense strength.
"Puchuuuuuh, they merged. Why'd your weapons merge with the Cross, Chuhackie? How is this happening, chuh?"
"Muh. I am God. This thing is made for me. Simple." Investigating your new weapon, you soon find that, using your magical powers, you can do… something inside of it, though you're not sure what-
Golden spears issue forth in all directions, so surprising you almost drop your new spear dispenser by accident. They look pretty cool, too, all delicate and twisted in on themselves even as they literally dig into the solid stone they hit.
Then follows a wave of steel-like chains, shooting out before retracting back inside slowly, inner mechanisms churning away in a way that you can feel, if just barely. "Muh. Very nifty."
You pick up one those spears, putting the cross down (carefully). Just then, you also notice your costume has changed, going from your frilly dress to… something resembling a nun's uniform.
Huh. You are not strictly opposed to this. It being on you is a little weird, but more nun uniforms are always good.
Ooh, should I know something about your preferences for white-haired little nuns daddy?
"Muh muh. Me likey."
"Chuuh, how will I even declare this in the papers?"
He seems to be cracking. Good, finally. You went through a lot of trouble to hide that you knew how he was manipulating you, the big reveal here may as well be worth it.
Speaking of being worth it… You look over back at the glass case, where the golden apple still rests. "Chuh, you already got the cross, isn't that enough?"
You raise your cross, slamming it down in short order. You feel like having a snack.
"Chuuuh…"
As you come walking back out, getting used to your new costume (it's a bit thicker than your usual one), you eat your new snack in big bites, chewing on the flesh of the apple-like, golden fruit quite happily. You brushed it off with a hand before eating it, of course, but none of the glass splitters managed to stick to it after you extracted it from its glass case, so it's pretty much in perfect condition.
And what a fruit it is. The Fruit of Knowledge of Good and Evil, while being a whole thing in, like, the bible and stuff, is mostly just really tasty, with sweet, succulent taste and even sweeter juices that overrun with every bit, running down your chin little rivulets you have to wipe and lick off the back of your hand, unwilling to let any go to waste.
And that's just the outer part. Where the cores of an apple would be, all you find is a thicker, marzipan-like mass, sticking to your teeth and quite chewy in a rather pleasant way. In fact, even the outer skin has its own taste now that you pay attention, a chocolate-y taste left on your tongue as you lick over it probingly.
"Muh muh," you make, quite happy at eating this delectable thing. Too bad there aren't any cores inside of it, you would've totally planted it in your garden and everything.
"Chuuh, there should be side effects. Like a conscience."
Hah. As if you would fall prey to such base-
You realize, all of a sudden, how you have been behaving, the consequences of your actions. Overcome with the rush of added perspective, you have to halt, your head brimming with the knowledge and consideration you would have been lacking, and quite suddenly, you feel like there was an infinite depth you have been sinking into, only to now be deposited at the shores.
"… I feel… different," you say, your voice unlike any sound you have been producing for the past few months.
"Puchuh, for the sake of scientific precision, did you grow a conscience, an understanding of right and wrong or similar?"
You look down at Brian where he has been walking next to you, the knowledge of how objectively fucked-up this little menace is rising within you. Then you recall your own actions once again, from when you were one Jack Winters, as far as your memories have reconstituted themselves, to now.
You smile. You did not stop sinking because you suddenly realized what you do is wrong- you simply arrived at the conclusion that you can always just steer the island on which you have been set to whatever depth you may require. "No. I am still a narcissistic sociopath. I just know I am in much more detail now."
You tilt your head, smiling down at him.
"Muh."
"… Chuuh, I don't know how, but somehow that thing made it all worse. I blame whoever had the bright idea of leaving any sitting around on Earth."
"It did give me insight into myself. Is that what the whole deal is about? Muh." Can't break character now, even if you are fully aware Brian is monitoring your thoughts. You know it only annoys him more.
"Chuh, the Fruit of Knowledge of Good and Evil was meant to be morality distilled into physical form, to seed a society ruled by the proper laws and customs, puuh," he explains, the two of you coming out into the upper church portion again now. "Except it was an unstable prototype and deployed before it was ready, chuuh, so it just imposed shame and discomfort instead of teaching them to behave, the ingchuhrate monkeys!"
"Mhm, I see. For me it just pointed out that what I did was wrong, but I knew that much already, so I don't give a fuck," you smile. "Too bad I have no shame about who and what I am, I guess, but any heavenly revelations of this sort can go fuck right off."
Ohmyosh ohmygosh ohmygosh, it's really you! Daddy, you're back! Only you would literally tell divine inspiration to get bent like this!
"Puchuh, it would have been too easy, too. On the upside, it should have increased your magical reservoirs as a side effect, so-"
"Stuff it Brian, we have to get back to the plane before whoever monitors these places catches up to us." Your eyes narrowed, you glance at the commotion outside where people have by now found the hole you shot into the building to acquire entry. "Nevermind. The hard and loud way it is, muh."
You don't want to spend forever on this vacation, you have a whole new level of appreciation for the rampant rape and sexual conduct you indulge in on the regular, after all. You're still yourself, this clarity of thought already dimming slowly, but your awareness of your inherent superiority remains the same throughout it all.
You are Jacqueline Frost, first of your name. And by the time you're done, your name will be known. Whether the world wants to know it or not. "Muh."
You blast out atop a plate of ice, giant cross held over your shoulder in one hand and Brian clutched in the other. "Why is it that you're even more irresponsible and dangerous like this, puchuuuh?!"
"I always was and always will be. Now I'm just doing it deliberately. Muh."
The scene that greets you when you return to the plane is that of Tabitha already awaiting you, your pet kitty glancing towards where your new pet tiger (also known as big kitty) is sleeping inside the thing while also keeping one paw on something that you're unsure as to whether she found it, one of your loot kittens did or it just came of its own accord.
It's small, mostly white with some soft, peach-pink parts and on it and two shining red eyes, big and round at the front of its face. It also has a pair of little halos around the weird… ear extension thingies?
"Chuuh, what are you doing here?"
"… Meow," the thing makes, looking absurdly adorable doing so.
"… Muh. Kitty." You nod, getting an idea of what may be going on here.
"Puchuh, I want you to know I chuhate you."
"Too bad. The Chuhackie does not care," you deadpan. "Hey, are we good to go?"
The pilot comes out of the cockpit, door sliding open with a metallic rolling sound. "We're all fueled up and ready to go. Why, we in a hurry?"
"Horde of angry priests on my tail." The story basically tells itself at this point.
"… You okay? You're a little…"
"I'm high on biblical drugs, don't mind me." It's a literally psychoactive plant, just one that causes you to think very particular thoughts. That might explain why it tasted so good, too.
"… Oookay, just hop on board while I radio the towers, I guess."
That taken care of, you take a moment to address your 'guest'. "You coming with us?"
"Meow," the not really cat-like creature (with the literal halos) says, literally enunciating the word 'meow'. Then it gets up, walking off with a happy shake to its tail.
"Chuuh, now there's a witness. Filing the paperwork will take me literal months, puchuuh…"
"Muh. You probably deserve it," you surmise, looking off into the distance. It shouldn't take much longer now before…
A small horde of loot kittens appears, carrying their collective loot with them. You see gold and jewelry, but also some more notable pieces, particularly a long staff that is probably from, like a bishop or something, and-
"Muh. Pope hat." Taking it, you happily put the garment onto your head, chest swelling in your kind of nun-like attire. "Am now the female pope of Jackienism. And its deity. All bow before me or perish in the cold."
In the end, nobody actually knows you disappeared onto this particular plane, so takeoff occurs without much issue all the while Brian is quietly freaking out in the corner about something or other. All in all, this was a good pit stop, you think.
Then again, you made it. Of course it can't be anything but absolutely fabulous.