A/N: Emotional chapter this time! Also, I'm separating the chapters since they're diverging. If you haven't read Idiot, then I won't say anymore. Just know that I'm not leaving anything out. It's just taking a different path than Idiot. Be aware that there may be differently named chapters also. Enjoy! R&R!
Idiot: Ben
Chapter 3: Inspirit
One week. That's all he had left with her. And it was going to be a task to leave. He didn't want to go back home. He didn't want to be alone again. It was nice sharing her company, even if they didn't talk too awful much. But there were times where they talked and it seemed they were just right for each other. Ben enjoyed that time together. He wasn't exactly eager to give it up. Though, he supposed they could keep in contact through cell phone or computer. He'd prefer cell, but if she wasn't comfortable with him having her number, he would understand. They'd only known each other for a little bit. No need to rush. And who knew? Absence made the heart grow fonder, right? Maybe she would start to feel the same as he did while he was gone.
He'd long since given up sleeping for the night. He was laying awake, restlessly thinking about the company he was soon to inherit and how he would take care of things, let alone the thoughts of Rey being here alone since Poe was out so much with Zorii. He wasn't scared to admit that he was sad, too. He resented having to go back. Usually, when he left Poe, it was easy. But this time, since there was someone he was developing strong feelings for, it wasn't so easy. It wasn't a walk in the park for him, as it usually was. He heard rummaging in the kitchen and quirked a brow. Who was up at this time? Maybe it was Poe trying to sleep walk again. He rolled his eyes and sighed as he got out of bed and exited his room quietly. He knew that if he snuck up on him, the idiot would probably try to deck him like last time.
He rounded the corner and saw an open cabinet and a small person reaching into the highest cupboard. He froze midstep when he realized it was Rey. And what she was wearing. Sure, he knew she slept in whatever made her comfortable, but to be bold enough to come out in it was a different story entirely. His eyes roamed up her thigh, stopping at the shirt that blocked any revealing part of her. He was about to clear his throat to alert her of his presence, but as if on cue, he heard her grab a cup. She closed the door and jumped with a small shriek. Seeing the mug fly to the ground, he quickly dipped down and caught it, knowing it was her favorite mug. She always used it and would be upset if it broke. He caught it with a soft sigh of relief. He handed it back to her with a small grin. "I-I thought everyone was asleep," she stuttered, her face a different shade from embarrassment or freight. He wasn't exactly sure.
He kept his eyes focused on her face, not wanting to make her even more uncomfortable as she already was. She was beautiful, but he didn't want to ogle her like a perv. He offered her a small apologetic grin. "Sorry." She exhaled sharply and went back to making her tea, but there was something off about her. She wasn't comfortable, but he wondered what else there was. Would she feel better if she got more clothes on? "Rey?" he asked cautiously, watching as the water heated up.
"What?"
He blinked at the harshness for a moment. Definitely embarrassed. "I'll finish it for you if you want to... uh..." Why couldn't he just finish his sentence? Why was it so hard for him? He was embarrassed, too, he realized. He didn't want to say anything wrong to her. But he wanted her to be comfortable.
She caught the hint as she glanced over at him. He wasn't looking at her, trying to give her dignity. She rushed to her room, leaving him there to sigh as he felt the blush spread across his face. He ran his own hand over his face and finished her tea for her before starting his own. He set it on the counter and realized she'd emerged. He turned back to the machine silently. "Thank you..." It was barely above a whisper, but it was there.
He didn't know what to say. Thank you? For what? Giving you the dignity you deserve? He finished his own tea and turned to her, standing at the bar. He figured she would want some space at the moment so he fought the urge to sit next to her like he really wanted to do. "Can't sleep?" he asked, trying to change the subject. Stupid question, Ben. Obviously, she couldn't. Otherwise, she wouldn't be out here! She shook her head with a sigh. Something was wrong with her. "Everything all right?" he asked, unsure if the concern in his voice would be invasive to her right now. She looked at him and then looked away just as quickly, alerting him to the fact that there was seriously something bothering her. Was it... "Look, if it's about your shirt, I didn't see-"
"It's not that."
He let out a sigh, though he didn't know if it was relief or if it was frustration instead. He wanted to help her, but he didn't know how to. And she wasn't exactly giving him anything to go off of either. As he racked his brain, trying to figure out why her change in demeanor after changing her clothes, he looked at her, studying her for a brief moment. "Then... what is it?" He tried to sound gentle, as if letting her know that she could talk to him.
She only shrugged as she turned her cup on the counter, clearly lost in thought and debating her next move, from what he could tell. "You ever feel... sad... but you don't know why?"
Such an odd question... To answer it simply, yes. But the more he typically thought about why he was sad about something, the more it slapped him in the face and told him why he was sad to begin with. He was sad about having to leave. Sad about not having a good relationship with either of his parents. Sad that she was working for his dirt bag uncle. "Yes. Which is why I talked it out, even if no one was listening." Which was commonplace...
He realized then that she needed some form of comfort. So, as she raised her sight to him, he made his way over to the seat next to her and sat down. He only hoped that the distance he was at wasn't intrusive, but at the same time, he wanted to show her that he was there for her, should she need him. That's what women did, right? They cried and latched on to whoever was around for support? He didn't know... He was new to this comforting thing. He hadn't even received it before, so giving it was a whole other ball game for him. "It's been a full month."
Ah, so that's what was bothering her. He nodded outwardly, as if the final puzzle piece fit where it needed to be. He sipped his tea, lost in his own thoughts. "It has been."
She hesitated for a minute. Was that all she was going to say? Was that what was weighing on her mind and making her so upset? That he was leaving? Or did she perhaps have some deadline? He was sure that Luke was keeping her busy enough... "I don't know how to say this without you taking it the wrong way... or thinking I'm some weird creeper..."
He only snickered at her and shrugged. "I'll miss you, too."
She looked over at him, shock evident on her beautiful face. Had he said something wrong? Had he misread that situation completely? Judging by the redness that swelled on her cheeks, he would guess that he was correct, but that smile was so blinding that he almost lost himself. "How do you do that?" she asked softly.
"What?" How does he do what? He was so lost by her question that he was about to ask her what she meant, but then realization dawned on him.
Rey chuckled softly. "Nothing."
He thought about what just transpired and couldn't help but notice that she felt a little better with him saying what he only hoped she was thinking. Given the comfortable silence that overtook them once again, he was positive that he had read her correctly. But missing her wasn't enough. He had to follow up on that. He couldn't just make her feel better with saying he was going to miss her, too. He had to offer a solution. "We can keep in touch..." She brightened a bit at that. "Through Poe..." He didn't fail to notice how her happiness faded a hair. Next option. "Or email..." Slightly better, but he had a feeling that she still wasn't satisfied with that. Okay... try again. "Or... text..." He just asked for her number. Holy crap. How would that go!? Her cheeks burned with the reddest blush that night and he knew he hit the jackpot. That's what she wanted. And she confirmed it by smiling that beautiful smile at him. He smirked back at her. "I take it that was what was bothering you and keeping you up?" he asked with a small snicker as she yawned.
She only laughed and elbowed him. "Good night, Ben."
He smiled as she walked away. "Good night, Rey." He stared down at his tea and felt his lips curl up into a permanent smile that night. He would sleep well tonight, he decided. Her door shut behind him and he got up from the counter with a stretch and a satisfied sigh. Better yet, he'd inadvertently asked for her number, which she agreed to. Score one for Solo! He chuckled to himself and walked to his room, plopping onto his bed and sighing one last time as he attempted to go to sleep.
X~X~X~X~X~X~X
One week left. And then the days started flying by as if they were seconds on a timer. He wasn't even sure if it was supposed to be a week with as fast as the time flew by. How many days had it been? He left tomorrow. They'd been doing their normal routine, with the exception that he was packing things as he went and living out of his suitcase for the majority of the week, only taking out things he needed at the time. Soon, it would be as if he were never there, just as always. Except... it wasn't as always. Rey was involved now. He wouldn't see her every day anymore. He wouldn't be able to spend time with her in person anymore. At least not for a while. And even then, he didn't even know how long they'd be apart.
He shook his head in annoyance with himself. He'd promised to keep in touch with her. It wasn't as if his leaving was going to just cut off all communications altogether. But... what if it did? And if it did, why did the thought sadden him so much? They weren't a thing, nor were they close to being a thing. He was getting far too involved again. He was wishing things would happen when things didn't need to happen. He huffed a sigh as he looked down at his cell phone. His brows knitted together in confusion. Why was his mother calling him? He picked it up and heard her crying on the other end. Or, rather, her version of crying. It was mainly just her trying not to cry, but failing and sniffling anyway. "Mom?"
"Ben... I'm sorry to call you like this..." she said on the other line, her voice somber and devoid of the light she usually had to her.
"Mom? What's wrong?" he asked as he sat on his bed, door shut. He was supposed to be checking his things to make sure everything was there, but the tone in her voice told him he needed to give her his full attention.
He heard her sigh on the other end, then she let out a sob she'd been trying to hold in. "Your father... he... he's gone, Ben," she cried, as if voicing the words physically hurt her. And no doubt they did. His father had left countless times during an argument, which was what made Ben so insensitive to it.
"He'll come back, mom. He always-"
"No, dear..." she interrupted, crying more, pained that her son didn't get what she was trying to say. Ben didn't know why she was so upset this time. He always came back. He would always come back to her after their arguments. He loved his family and wouldn't leave for long. He had a crappy way of showing it sometimes, but... he always came back. "Ben... your father is dead."
Ben felt his breath leave his lungs. His eyes widened as he tried to process the information, frozen in place as if time itself had stopped. Dead? Like... not coming back this time, dead? He blinked several times and felt the overwhelming guilt start to consume him. If he'd been there-
"Ben?" his mother cried on the other line.
Ben couldn't bring himself to answer. His lungs burned from the lack of oxygen, reminding him that he hadn't taken a breath. He gasped when he realized that his father... the one he really wanted to make amends with... wasn't there to make amends with anymore. "Y-yeah."
"Ben... I'm sorry..."
Ben felt tears welling in his eyes before he could stop himself. "For what, mom?" he asked, his own life drained from his voice. He just felt... numb. Like nothing else truly mattered anymore. He wanted to tell his dad so many things when he got back. He'd had enough time to clear his head and wanted to tell his dad he was sorry and to thank him for all he'd taught him. But to know that he would never get that opportunity... Ben was lost.
"That you had to find out this way..."
Ben shook his head and sighed heavily. "It's not your fault. I... I ran away for a vacation... I should have stayed..." There was a silence on the other end, his mother not even bothering to defend his actions because he knew she thought he was right. That he should have stayed. But he also knew that she didn't want to run salt in the wound. She just wasn't that type of person. "How?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
His mother hesitated on the other end before sighing. "He... he took the Falcon out on the track like he always did... but..."
Ben felt the overwhelming anger start to consume him. Racing. "Racing," he spat angrily, as if the very word was enough to kill everything in sight. Yet another reason to hate his darling uncle.
"Ben... don't hate him. He loved that car, you know that. He just... he lost control... It hadn't happened before... He was testing it-"
"I know, mom," he said, completely dismissing anything else she had to say. "When... when's the... the..." He couldn't say it. Funeral. That word was such a low blow. As if that word itself was acknowledging that his dad was gone forever. He felt the heaviness in his chest from the very thought of it. He couldn't bring himself to say it aloud.
"When you get back... we'll make arrangements together... For now... just... enjoy your last day there with Poe." Right... enjoy it. When he found out his father was gone forever, how was he supposed to enjoy anything right now? "Ben dear...?" He huffed in response. "Don't blame yourself. Even if you were here, it wouldn't have changed anything..."
He glared at the floor. Would it have? "I know, mom..." He hung up the phone just as Poe knocked on his door. "What?" he hissed from the other side, still clutching his phone from the pent up emotions that threatened to spill over.
"Let's head to the park for your last day," Poe said on the other side of the door. Ben scoffed before he could stop himself. Park. Right. No thanks. "Rey's looking forward to spending time with you." Ben's glare hardened at the floor then. He wanted to be around her now, more than anything, right now, but he just... he wanted to be alone. He heard Poe sigh on the other side. "Should I tell her you don't want to come?"
Ben sighed. "I'm coming."
"Great. Meet you outside," Poe said as he started to retreat from the doorway.
Ben glared down at his phone and sighed to himself. He couldn't believe it... He was gone.
X~X~X~X~X~X~X
They arrived at the park and Ben hadn't said anything to anyone, still lost in his own thoughts about the conversation with his mother. Poe tried to joke and tease him, to try to cheer him up supposedly, but Ben only snapped at him in response, threatening him to leave him alone. He really wasn't in the mood for this. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to bury himself in a hole. But he wanted to be buried in a hole with Rey. The one person that he knew would make him feel loads better. But even then, he couldn't bring himself to even speak to her. He knew she would be able to help him feel better, but bringing himself to actually speak to her was another problem.
He didn't have to look at her to tell she was concerned about him. It was written all over the way she stayed close to him. The looks she kept casting his way. He didn't want to talk to her. He was scared that he was going to snap at her and scare her away if he did. He didn't know what he wanted...
He felt her hand on his arm, his emotions swirling in a flurry of unshed tears. He wouldn't cry here. Not here. Not in front of her and the others. "Ben?"
Her voice was evidently laced with concern. He wanted to give in, but his pride wouldn't allow him to. "Not now," he hissed, struggling to keep in his emotions. He shrugged her off of him and sped up his pace to get away from her. If he focused on something else, he would surely be all right. His urge to cry in front of everyone would go away and he'd be his perfectly fine prickly self.
He glanced out of the corner of his eye to see her walking faster next to him. He was grateful she didn't push him. Just having her here was enough to bring him solace. He tried to sift through his thoughts the best he could, but everything was muddled. He wished he'd never gotten that phone call this morning. He wished he stayed back at home and just dealt with the Ren brothers aggravating him. He felt a wave of nausea washing over him from the sheer amount of guilt that plagued him. He sat on a bench by the lake, sighing to himself and trying to keep the bile from rising in his throat as he glared out over the water, hating himself for his decisions that he'd made. Sure, he'd met Rey, which was one of the best parts about this trip, but his father... His dad was dead. He didn't get to talk to him about his own personal revelations. He didn't get to apologize to him. He didn't get... to say anything...
He blinked a few times before registering that she was holding out a water bottle to him. He took it after a moment. Rey sat next to him on the bench and the urge to tell her what was wrong intensified. He glanced over at her and saw her staring out at the lake, completely content to be there. As if nothing was wrong with the world. Meanwhile, his emotions were completely ravaging his mind. He was so unsettled. He turned his sight back to the water, watching as the fish jumped in the lake. He could tell she was feeling uncomfortable with his silence, which further increased his inner turmoil. He heard her sigh, only serving as another blow to his defenses. He felt a shift within himself, the emotions becoming far too much to keep in. "My... dad died... last night..." It was all he could muster and it was as loud as he could speak it at the moment, even though it was only a whisper. He didn't want to say it and he cursed the fear that rang through his voice when he uttered those words, as if acknowledging it made it more real. Made it more irreversible. She gasped next to him. He couldn't bring himself to look at her for fear that her sympathy would get him crying. Though he was already there. "We weren't close or anything... but..."
"He's still your dad," she whispered to Ben. Her voice was enough to make him want to let go. He wouldn't. He couldn't. Not yet. He wouldn't cry. He needed to man up and not let it go. He needed to fight the urge to just break down and bawl like a baby. The fact that he'd never see his dad again tore him apart from the inside out. "I'm so sorry, Ben," she whispered. He heard the sadness and the slight quiver in her voice when she'd spoken. She was crying for him. He was too stubborn to let it out, so she did the crying for him. She was so empathetic.
He could only nod in response. What could he say? Her apology wouldn't bring him back. No amount of hugs or hand-holding in the world would bring his dad back. He wanted to say more, but he didn't want to display such emotions in public, so he opted for silence. He wanted to lay it all out. His fears, his anguish, his anger. He wanted to rip the bandaid off and just tell her everything on his mind, but because of their current location... He refused to let it happen. He felt her warmth on his hand, causing him to stiffen under the contact. He glanced over at her, unsure if she really was taking the initiative to comfort him right now. His eyes landed on her hand and his heart burned in his chest. It took everything he had not to let it all out when his eyes landed on that beautiful smile that made him want to kiss her silly. That he had made her smile that sad, yet comforting smile. "What was he like?"
He blinked a few times, the sincerity in her voice making him question everything. "What?"
She nodded gently as she turned her full attention to him, making him shrink a little when he realized they were going to have this exchange now. "Yes. What was he like? What kind of person was he?"
Ben studied her eyes for a moment, only to avert his sight to the lake. He mustered up whatever composure he still had left before starting out slowly as he recalled memories of his father. "He... was always gone... but he did care for his family. Mom wasn't always the easiest to deal with... but... he stayed with her. With us." Before he could stop it, he hung his head, memories flashing through his head of the arguments, the storming out, his mother sitting on the couch in a huff. How his father would always come back with flowers, take her into his arms and apologize, though Ben knew it wasn't his fault. His dad was... Ben caught himself gritting his teeth as he tried to keep the emotions inside. His jaw became tense and tight, fist tightening under Rey's hold. The only thing that kept him from losing himself was the delicate rubbing on the back of his hand. He felt the anger and resentment rising in his chest. "He was always racing those cars of his... Just like Luke." Those things killed him. The Falcon... the racing... He would always go racing when he got in an argument with his mom.
"Were... were your dad and Luke related?" she asked, clearly having issues keeping her own composure as she felt his pain.
He shook his head in silence. "Barely got along. Luke is mom's brother..." I wish it was him... And that's when it hit him. Tears slipped past his defenses as he hoped she wouldn't notice.
"I see," she whispered as she kept gently rubbing the back of his hand. It was strangely comforting. He knew she was crying. He felt a splash on their hands, but didn't dare look up to betray himself. He didn't know if the tear had come from him or from her. He was scared to find out. Before he could push back anymore tears, he felt himself being pulled into a comforting hug, right up against Rey. He stiffened under the contact, preparing to pull away from her, but she whispered again, her warm breath moving his hair. "It's ok. I'm not judging," she whispered as she held him gently against her.
He wrapped his arms tightly around her as he let it all out into her neck, not having enough energy to fight it anymore. It was tearing him apart inside. He felt her gently run her fingers through his hair, which was just what his mother used to do when he was upset. He held her tighter, as if holding her tighter against him was going to help soothe the raging torrent in his mind. He continued to let out his deepest emotions, keeping himself quiet despite his desperation. Her head leaned against his while she continued to pet his hair, offering what comfort she could in this situation. He wasn't even aware when his chest stopped burning and his head stopped swirling, but he knew it had something to do with her. Then the biggest regret surfaced and brought the wave right back. "If I would have stayed... I would have seen him again..." It came out as a whisper against her neck. He hated the way his voice sounded against her.
She paused. "You can't look at it that way or you'll never forgive yourself, Ben." She stopped petting his hair and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him even closer, if that was at all possible. "You can't look at what you could have or would have or should have done. It worked out how it worked out. It's not fair... but... you can't blame yourself for choosing to come here rather than stay there. You couldn't have known what would happen."
He remained silent, meditating on her words. His mother said something similar. They were both right. They both knew that it wasn't going to help. He couldn't blame himself for unforeseen occurrences. He made his decision to come here, and now he just had to move on. He wouldn't have been able to stop the argument, nor would he have been able to stop his dad from leaving. He never could. The only difference was that... his dad always promised him to come back when he left. This time, he didn't have anyone to promise. He sniffled, trying to regain himself as he sat up and wiped his face on his sleeve. He glanced over at her and saw the pain she held for him. The pity. The sympathy. She smiled softly at him and wiped her own tears away with a nervous laugh. Was she embarrassed that she'd cried for him? She was beautiful, inside and out. She had felt his pain and cried for him at first, then with him. This woman was truly something remarkable. She smiled at him again when she was done fixing her appearance and he gave her a small gentle smile in return. In unison, they looked back at the water, as if trying to calm themselves down. He noticed that the rippling water from before was much calmer, as if it were tied to his emotions. He felt so much calmer now that he'd let his emotions out. He cleared his throat after a few minutes. "Rey?" he called softly next to her.
"Hm?"
He turned his attention to her, seeing her look at him, too. "Thank you..." he began. Seeing the confusion on her face, he let out a small smile. "For listening."
The bright smile that awaited him afterwards was enough to make his chest burn with a very different emotion this time. One that made him so desperate to see that smile again. "Anytime, Ben." The rest of the day was amazing, so long as he was able to be around Rey. It seemed as if she knew just what to say or do to make him feel better. He'd have to return the favor one day. It was a lot better being in her light than sulking in his dark corner. She'd brought the light back to his mind. The fog had dissipated. Thanks to her.