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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Leia fell into Chewbacca's warm, comforting embrace. The news almost made her knees weak. No one, save for Han's closest companion could possibly understand.
They had finally found Han. Where Fett had been these past six months was a mystery. Chewie and Lando had been following every wisp of a trail they could find, only to reach a dead end each time.
For Leia, it had been a living hell. Was he still alive? Why hadn't the bounty hunter brought him to the Hutt to collect the price on Han's head? It made no sense. Time passed, and she had tried to remain tenacious and optimistic. But she was often beaten down by the word that Chewie and Lando were no closer to finding him than before. And as the months crawled by, each slap of bad news left her more battered and hopeless.
She had always prided herself on her strength. It had never before been so tested as by the sobbing periods that swept through her each time they failed. She had cried the nights away, morning finding her resolute and back to normal, but with a little less resolve each time.
Now, finally, thankfully, Han was on Tattoine in Jabba's palace. Currently, that was all they knew. But for now, it was all they needed.
At the top of the boarding ramp, the massive Wookiee took her gently by the shoulders and appraised her with concern. He barked shortly.
Leia grimaced self-consciously. "I know I've lost weight." Her voice came out apologetic. "I haven't exactly had much of an appetite," she added defensively.
He grumbled that they were not going anywhere until she had eaten a decent meal.
"You must be kidding." One eyebrow rose in challenge.
He was not kidding. And if she were to appear unhealthy before Han, he was the one who would have to hear about it.
She rolled her eyes. On edge, she wasn't sure she could eat, but she would force something into her stomach to appease the Wookiee. "All right," she agreed quietly. "Let me just get Luke on the comm then I'll have something to eat."
He grunted acknowledgement and left for the galley. When Luke replied by comm, the news burst from Leia like a concussion missile leaving the bay.
Luke's voice came back with more enthusiasm than she had heard in months. "Wonderful! Finally. I'll be there after my shift and we can piece together a plan."
"Okay. I still have to speak to Mon Mothma and tell her I'm leaving." She was dreading the confrontation, but there was nothing the older woman could say to change her mind.
Leia disconnected from Luke and headed to the galley. He was so different from the young farm boy she had initially met. Most of those changes had come about after Bespin. It seemed everyone had lost something there.
Beyond his hand, Luke seemed to have lost his easy smile, his innocence, and his boyish enthusiasm. He had somehow morphed into this serious man who was wholeheartedly focused on the Force. Quieter now, Leia found it difficult to talk to him. She almost felt as if she no longer knew him. Yet, there was still a thread of the bond that had formed between them over three years ago.
In the galley, Chewie had set out a full plate for each of them, having given her almost as much food as himself. She looked at her plate in disbelief as she climbed onto the stool beside him.
"I hope you don't expect me to eat all this," she declared.
He poked her with a furry finger, telling her she was simply skin and bones. Leia wrinkled her nose and picked up the fork beside her plate. She wasn't sure what she was about to eat, but she really didn't care. Shoveling a small amount into her mouth, she sat back, nerves aflutter with the desire to leave this place and retrieve Han.
Chewie abruptly asked how she was holding up. He was almost done eating his entire portion and Leia eyed his plate, took another bite, and swallowed before answering.
"I've been okay," she replied, not really knowing what else to say. She hadn't spoken of her sorrow to anyone.
His gaze was on her for a long moment before he finally asked her to tell him the truth.
Leia looked up into soft eyes that knew her pain. Putting her fork down, she sat back with a grim sigh. "It's been difficult," she admitted.
Chewie uttered a sympathetic moan.
She continued reluctantly. "I've been working hard…trying to fill the hours. Trying not to think about him…because it hurts too much." A long, shaky breath interrupted her. Her feelings had been welled behind a dam, each jagged crying session a spurt through the cracks. Now, the pressure of her despair was straining her brave façade and she felt the dam might burst.
His arm went around her and the grief was crushing. Her lips began to tremble, tears spilling down her cheeks in a rush. She was suddenly cushioned into his side, fur in her face, both strong arms around her. Sobs tumbled from her lips, the pain in her chest a gaping wound amidst the scars the Empire had already left there. She was barely aware of Chewie's soft hoots and couldn't begin to translate them.
Breathing erratic, she was beginning to feel dizzy and knew she had to pull herself together. With the control she prided herself upon, she pulled away from Chewie and began breathing in a slow, deep rhythm, eyes still closed. Her heartbeat began its heavy journey back to normal, the light-headed feeling lifted, and her hands steadied enough for her to wipe away the moisture on her eyes and cheeks.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, voice a croak. She cleared it as Chewie reassured her that it was fine then shook her head as if to clear it. "I'm all right now." She pushed her plate forcefully away and threw a hard glance at the Wookiee, as if daring him to say something.
His next words she understood completely.
Han loves you.
Her chin lifted and a small smile curved her lips just a bit. She nodded gratefully. "I know." The smile slowly faded and her gaze lowered to the counter. "I just hope he can forgive me. I've always been so duty-bound. I've never allowed myself the choice of what I wanted for myself." She shook her head sadly. "I didn't think I could this time, either." Tears threatened again but she dug deep for the outer shell that allowed her to maintain her composure in all circumstances. "But, after losing Han…I'm not willing to let him go again. I'm making the selfish choice for once."
He reassured her that it was not selfish.
Her sardonic smile did not reach her eyes. "Isn't it? When the Rebellion could gain so much if only I did what was expected of me? When that could lead to overthrowing the Empire? Reestablishing democracy to the galaxy?"
He roared insistently.
"It's almost like I'm damning the entire galaxy," she whispered, mostly to herself.
His growl was harsh and contrary, and it wrested a bitter smile from her. It shifted, becoming light and tender.
"But, I can't. I simply can't."
He gave a low warble of understanding and footsteps at the doorway drew them both to see Lando standing there, clad in Han's clothing. It cut Leia to the quick, but she bit her tongue.
"I'm sorry," Calrissian said smoothly. "Am I interrupting something?"
Leia's head rose higher. "Not at all." Her voice was strong and in control again.
"You're looking lovely, as usual." He grinned smoothly and approached her.
"Thank you," she said dryly. This man never gave up.
"When would you like to leave for Tatooine?"
Six months ago, she thought wryly. "I would like to leave tonight. But we have to consult Luke first. Do you have any idea of how we're going to go about this?"
"I have a few thoughts."
She nodded, anxious, but pleased. Chewie barked tersely and Leia snapped to attention.
"I will not remain on the Falcon. I'm coming with you," she insisted with dull outrage.
Chewie growled at length and Calrissian stepped in.
"Leia, it's too dangerous. And you're likely to be recognized."
"So, I'll make myself unrecognizable."
Chewie roared quietly as Lando continued. "Look, I have an idea for a plan and you're not part of it."
She slid from her stool and crossed her arms in front of her chest, chin raised as if she were the tallest person in the room. "Then we will just have to alter the plan," she replied, enunciating her words precisely.
"If something happens to you-"
She didn't allow him to finish. "I assure you, I am quite capable of handling myself."
At that, Chewie seemed to sit back, unwilling to argue the point.
"I don't doubt that, I've seen you with a blast rifle. But Han will kill me if anything happens to you."
Her eyes narrowed and tightened, and her voice took on a threatening timbre. "If you fight me on this, Han is the last person you'll have to worry about." She paused to let her words sink in. "I'm going with you. Make no mistake by thinking that you're in charge here." She headed to the doorway then stopped and turned back. "And please remove your things from Han's cabin," she said coldly. She strode from the galley, head held high.
OOOOOOOOOOO
"What can I do for you, Leia?"
Mon Mothma smiled at her, eyes somewhat preoccupied. Anxious but determined, Leia spoke quietly.
"Chewbacca and Calrissian have found Captain Solo. He finally arrived at Jabba the Hutt's Palace on Tatooine."
The older woman's brow rose and Leia wasn't sure if it was due to surprise at the news or surprise that Leia felt the need to personally inform her of this.
"Well, that's certainly good news. Captain Solo has served the Rebellion well."
Leia hesitated. "I'm going with them to rescue him."
Her head canted to one side, clearly caught off guard. Something subtle shifted in her eyes. Someone less astute might have missed it. Her hands folded in front of her.
"Leia." Her tone was somber. "This is not a good time for you to take leave. We're on the verge of getting the plans for the Death Star. Within days, we hope to make our move."
Guilt flared mildly in her chest. "I have to do this," she said simply.
Mon studied her intently and Leia stared back unwaveringly.
"We've all made sacrifices in the pursuit of justice and you have lost the most of anyone. We are so close to ending this war. And we need everyone in our ranks right now."
"All the more reason why we need Captain Solo." She was trying to justify this, even though she knew there would be no justification good enough for High Command. To them, Han was no one, expendable. To Leia, he was everything.
"Solo is one man. He's not even a member of the Alliance." Her voice lowered and softened. "I know he's your friend, Leia…"
Moment of truth, she thought, gathering all her resolve and strengthening her voice. "He's more than just a friend, Mon."
An instant of confusion and suddenly, understanding lit the older woman's eyes. "I see," she said slowly. Her gaze flickered to her desk then back to Leia. "This is more personal than I realized."
She stared back, revealing nothing.
"Still, this is not the time to abandon the Alliance for a personal quest," Mon added.
"I'm not abandoning the Alliance. I'm taking a very brief leave of absence."
"And if you succeed in your rescue mission? And then he leaves?"
He won't, Leia thought with fair optimism. "He'll be alive," she countered softly.
"What would your fiancé say about this?"
Leia took a deep breath. "I voided the contract."
Mon's eyes seemed to dim. "I see."
The tension in the air grew tauter, straining.
"I've always had the utmost respect for you and your family," Mon began. "Are you really going to risk all we've struggled to accomplish for this smuggler?"
Anger ripped into her. "With all due respect, Mon, you had no issue with Han being a smuggler when he was doing supply runs and taking on dangerous missions."
"I have no issue with his being a smuggler now. I only want to be certain that you are aware of the implications of what you plan to do."
Implications? Leia's patience was waning. "I don't think you understand. I'm not asking your permission. I'm telling you that I am going after Han." Her tone was even sharper than intended. "I've lost everything in this war. My family, my friends, my home, my entire planet. You can't possibly imagine what that feels like."
"No one knows all that you've lost better than I do," she interjected quietly. "I know how close you were to your family."
Leia ignored her words. "I've had nothing to live for these years other than the Alliance. Finally, I have something else. Someone else. And I'm not willing to let him go." She stood, spun on her heel, and began to march to the door.
"Leia," Mon called after her quietly.
Mouth set in a determined line, she paused in the doorway and looked back with hard eyes.
The older woman smiled gently. "May the force be with you. And make it back."
Leia's visage remained impassive. She nodded and left.
OOOOOOOOOOO
Leia could tell that Han was more fatigued than he was ready to admit. Chewie and Lando had argued with him about piloting the Falcon. He needed rest. He finally backed down when Leia intervened and suggested they lie down together. He had left her to shower, and she had the sense that he needed some time alone.
She was having trouble gauging how he was feeling. He was coping as he always did, with sarcastic, good humor.
Having removed the horrid slave outfit, Leia had also showered the stench of that foul den from her body and was making her way to Han's cabin, needing him near her.
Clad in the long, white shirt she had worn during the fateful trip to Bespin, she entered the room to find him lying naked on the bunk, a sheet covering the lower half of his body, eyes at half-mast. His hair was still slightly damp and hers was wrapped in a towel.
"Hey," he said lazily.
"Hey." She stood in front of the door as it slid shut. After six months apart, she felt a bit clumsy. But, for him it hasn't been six months, she reminded herself. It had been just days. She yanked the towel from her head and began to rub her hair dry. When it was only damp, she flipped her head back up and saw Han watching her with confusion in his eyes.
"What's wrong?" she asked, brow knitting.
"Nothin'." His eyes tore away from her. "It's just…hard to believe six months have passed. So strange."
Her heart squeezed in her chest. Tossing the towel over his desk chair, she was quickly at his side, sitting next to him on the bunk. His eyes were still lowered and he looked like a lost, little boy. She placed her fingers lightly against his brow.
"I'm sure it must be," she replied gently.
"Weird to know the galaxy kept on going without me." He sounded so forlorn.
I barely kept going without you. She kept the thought to herself. There was no need to turn the focus to her.
"You're safe now," she whispered.
He seemed to emerge suddenly from a fog and he cast his gaze on her as if he had just remembered her presence. "Thanks to you." His voice was surprisingly grave.
She smiled with a small, self-deprecating shrug. "I had some help."
He took her hand in his and brought it to his lips, holding it there and closing his eyes. He looked more serious than she had ever seen him.
"Hey, Hotshot," she said quietly, smiling. "Any room under there for me?"
His eyes opened and one side of his mouth curled. "Always." He moved over and held the sheet high for her to scoot underneath. She snuggled into his arms, where she belonged.
Gods, it felt so good, so perfect. He smelled of soap mixed with that masculine scent that was uniquely him. She breathed him in and soaked up his presence. Emotion billowed inside her, rising, filling her up. Her eyes fell shut and she savored the moment.
"So, what'd I miss?" he asked in a lighter tone.
"Nothing important." Nothing had seemed to matter beyond his absence.
"Nothing important happened for six months?" He sounded skeptical.
She laced her fingers through his. "I wasn't really paying attention."
"To anything?"
She sighed against his chest. "I was preoccupied."
He lifted her hand and held it close to his face. Uncertain as to what he might be doing, she waited silently. When he lowered it without ceremony, she was puzzled.
"Guess you've been busy," he said quietly.
Something was heavy in his thoughts, but Leia couldn't fathom what it was. She didn't want to push him, he was still growing accustomed to all that had happened to him, still adjusting to the time loss.
"More like, trying to stay busy," she corrected mildly. The air seemed fraught with tension. He was toying with her fingers in a distracted manner, more fidgeting than affectionate.
"Well…thank you for coming after me." His tone was impassive now.
Her head popped up to find his expression as reticent as his voice. "I couldn't do anything but," she explained softly. "The waiting was so hard. Every time Chewie and Lando got a new lead, I would get my hopes up so high, trying to maintain some optimism. Then, they would hit a dead end and I just…" She lowered her gaze to his collarbone, shuddering internally. "Would fall apart. After a while, I wouldn't let myself get excited about possible news. The disappointment was too much of a blow." She shook her head swiftly and looked at his face again. He was staring at the ceiling with no change in expression. She hadn't meant to go off on that tangent. "Enough about me. What I went through was nothing compared to what you went through."
"I'm fine," he said quickly.
She slid herself up so that their faces were mere inches apart. "Are you?"
He met her gaze, eyes serious, intent. Tossing her a quick nod, he returned his eyes to the ceiling. "So…are you…" He cleared his throat and seemed to falter. His eyes fell shut and his voice lowered. "Are you a married woman yet?"
For a breath, Leia was confused. Then it hit her like a stun bolt. Gods, she hadn't thought about her engagement to Benny since she had broken it! She rose up to look at him but he was avoiding her eyes.
"Han, no!" she practically stammered. "I should have told you right away!" She nestled his face in her hands and forced him to meet her steady gaze. "I broke the engagement."
His brow drew downwards in an instant and his lips formed an unspoken question, confusion in his eyes.
"I'm not going to marry Benny," she said softly.
He looked away, completely shocked. When his head turned back, he contemplated her with sheer confusion. "Why?"
One finger brushed his lower lip lightly. Her eyes followed the movement and she swallowed the emotion that bubbled in her throat. "Don't you know?" Her voice was a breathy whisper.
He regarded her warily, as if he were too scared to believe what she was implying. He shook his head slowly, questioning.
Her smile was both heartening and poignant. "I can't get married," she said slowly. "You're the only man I want to be with."
His chin dropped a bit and he gaped. "You…broke the agreement…for me?"
Biting her lip, she nodded, eyes never leaving his.
He was still staring at her in disbelief.
"It was hard enough, before what happened on Cloud City, to imagine marrying someone else when I'm in love with you," she explained quietly. The puckered lines in his forehead were slowly relaxing, smoothing out, as he seemed to digest this new information. "But, after losing you like that…" Her voice grew husky. "I couldn't go through with it. I just couldn't."
His eyes grew soft, sober, and warm. They remained frozen in the moment.
Han shook his head very slowly, his expression one of amazement. In one quick movement, his hand was at the back of her head and he crushed his mouth to hers. Reflexively, her hands moved to either side of his face and gratitude poured through her. She was grateful, so grateful to the universe for allowing her to get Han back. They had both been released from suspended animation. Things were as they should be and life could move on.