Headache.
That's the first thing Jasper notices as he wakes up, his skull is throbbing so bad he wishes to go back to sleep. He can feel something soft underneath him, his fingers curl, clutching the bedsheets, these are too soft, so soft…he can hear muffled voices somewhere, feel the agitation in the air…
He can also smell lavender… it's nice…
That's when he notices the emotional signature beside him, pain, defeat, sadness, determination, anxiety…
He struggles to put name to the owner, he knows it, he's felt it before, but where?
He forces his mind to focus, but it feels like there's a cloud stuffed in there, making it much too hard to remember even his own name, he shifts, moaning at the stab of pain that comes from his chest.
Concern slices the air before a hand comes to touch his shoulder.
-Jazz?
That voice… where has he heard it before? He forces his eyes to open, flinching at the bright light, it takes him a few blinks before he can focus past blurred images.
He looks at the owner of the hand…
Such a beautiful creature, with pretty golden eyes and pretty dark hair, she reminds him of someone, but he can't put name on it.
Her name… he knows her name…
He bites his tongue, he doesn't know her name, but he also knows her name, his thoughts are jumbled and he can't focus much on what he wants to say.
She tries to pull her hand away, but he snatches it before she can.
-'m sorry.- He finds himself saying, again, he has no idea why, but he feels like he should apologize. She frowns, confusion sparking in her emotions.
-What for?
-... I don't know.- He mutters, he strokes her knuckles, not sure why, but he feels like he should be comforting her, she stares at him, he stares back, something about her gaze…
Alice.
That's her name, it's a nice name, makes him think of rain, fireworks, flower crowns…
He feels something in his chest twist when she frees her hand from his, rejecting him, just like last night. And he wonders what did he do wrong.
Was it because he was in her room? Or was she just tired of him?
-We need to talk.- She's serious, what does she want to talk about? Is she gonna ask him to stop bothering her? He doesn't want that, she's the only one that makes him feel like he isn't drowning.
And still, he forces his voice out.
-'bout?
-The truth.
Ah.
That at least makes some relief settle in.
Because she isn't tired of him.
Yet.
How come after two months she's willing to speak to him about the truth? Did something happen? Did they need something? What?
-... The one 'bout who I am or the one 'bout my relationship with y'all?- He questions, he isn't stupid, he knows they know way more about him than they lead him to believe.
He just doesn't know what, but so far, he has the feeling it's related to how anxious most of them get whenever there's a violent scene in a movie, or when he gets glimpses of memories.
They know way too much.
Alice winces and he feels like apologizing again, why? What is he even apologizing for? Why does it bother him so much to see her upset?
-Which one would you like?
-... You won't lie? Regardless of what I ask, if you do have the answer, would you tell me the truth?- He asks, he needs to be sure she won't lie like the others have done, that she was genuinely gonna tell him anything he wanted.
If she was gonna lie or cover things he would rather not ask anything.
-I promise.
There's no deception in her emotions, just honesty, pure, and genuine honesty, that at least makes him relax.
-Then… did we know each other?
Silence is what meets him.
And then.
-Yes.
That makes his heart skip a beat, they knew each other.
-Were we friends? Is that why you help me? Why didn't you just tell me?- He questions, because he still can't understand why would they hide the truth from him if they knew him and had been seemingly on good terms.
Because he knows, now that his mind is starting to clear he can remember it, she was the woman from his dreams and glimpses, does that mean he also knows the others? She had seemed to like him, and she's been nothing but kind, all of them had.
So, if they were friends, why not just tell him that? Why hide it? He doesn't understand.
-... I wish I could say it's complicated, but truth is that I just didn't want to tell you because I was afraid you might try to leave if I did, I was being selfish and stupid, and I'm sorry, I shouldn't have lied to you, I know better than anyone the feeling of wanting to know everything and not being able to remember.
Alice felt terrible, she knows she was an hypocrite, for keeping the truth from him when she knew perfectly well he wanted nothing more but to remember.
How could she claim to love him when she kept the truth from him just because of her own selfish desires? And she had the nauseating realization of something.
How was this any different from what María had done to him? She kept the truth from him so he wouldn't leave her, even if that meant hurting him.
God, that realization alone made her feel much more disgusted than she's ever felt, she should have never lied to him, who the hell did that?
-Then why did you lie?- He doesn't sound mad, not even recriminating, just confused, lost , and Alice hates that she's the reason he's even looking like that.
-You weren't strong enough to be left alone, still aren't, so, if after I tell you everything you want to leave, don't, I will leave, you should stay here at least until you can run.- She tells him, running was a primordial thing for a vampire, it was high on the list of things that helped vampires survive in this world.
She couldn't bear to let him go into the world on his own when he couldn't run nor jump, did he even remember how to fight? What if he didn't? What if he got killed?
She should call Peter and Charlotte, if he wants to leave, he has better chances at surviving if he's with them, Peter would never let anything bad happen to him, he had loved Jasper like a brother.
The reminder made her sick, Christ, she had forgotten completely about calling Peter.
She would call him once she's spoken with Jasper, he deserved to know Jasper was alive, his death had completely destroyed Peter.
-... We weren't friends, were we? But I saw you, you were so nice…- His words make her chest tighten, he's desperately searching her eyes for an answer. And it kills her to see him so lost.
-We were friends, but we were also something… more.- He frowns at her words, and then.
-Best friends?
-No, we were mates.
~
Anxious.
That's how Alice feels, she's told the whole truth to Jasper, from the moment she thought him dead up to her visions of him when she first woke up. And also about what she knew of his time as The Major.
The Cullens never met him, she had made a point at emphasizing that, if he wanted to be mad he should be mad at her and her alone, she's the one who lied and manipulated him, she's the one who kept the truth from him. Not them.
He's been quiet since she finished speaking, was staring at the only picture she ever managed to get of them together.
She knows the Cullens are long gone, wanting to give them some privacy, she appreciates it, if Jasper wants to scream at her he should get to do so without someone trying to stop him.
She deserves it, she's the reason he's like this in the first place. She won't hold it against him.
-Jasper?- She calls, because it's been a while and it worries her how quiet he's been. Should she have not given him too much information at once? Carlisle did said she should be careful, that too much information might cause more bad than good.
Silence.
And then.
-Is this why you're always sad?- His voice is barely above a whisper as he speaks, still not looking at her.
-... Mostly.
-... You blame yourself for what happened?
-I don't blame myself, I know.
-That's stupid.- He snaps, turning to look at her with a glare, it makes her hairs stand on end, she doesn't fear him, it's more like a surprise kind of feeling, because she's never seen him glare at her.
He's never been mad at her. But again, she did lie and hurt him.
Still.
Nothing could have ever prepared her for his next words.
-Just 'cause you can see the future it doesn't mean you get to think yourself omnipotent, you can't save everyone nor can you see everythin', thinkin' you can, no, that you should do that is stupid, if you did that, you would be nothin' but a slave to your powers, people can very much survive on their own, they shouldn't expect you to watch their asses 24/7, that's not your job, nor is it your fault if things go wrong 'cause you didn't see it.
Jasper tells as a statement of fact, he still can't quite process a lot of things right now, but he does know that he needs to put a stop to this blame thing Alice seemed to have going on, if her words were something to go for she had nothing to blame herself for.
She didn't do this to him, she shouldn't be apologizing, she just went hunting, it wasn't as if she gave him to those people, he was the one who had been too weak to protect himself, not her, never her.
But she seems to blame herself for it, he can feel it, hell, he can see it in her eyes, that she should have seen it, shouldn't have left him alone, it didn't make sense, he was quite sure that even as he was caught, he wouldn't have blamed her for it, it was stupid to even think he would blame her for something she had nothing to do with.
So what if she didn't see it? She shouldn't be obligated to see it all and keep tabs on people, that was stupid. And he was glad she had left him alone, because what if those people had found her with him? The idea of Alice going through what he had gone through… the beatings, the bites, the words, the taunting, the humiliation, the starvation, the mockery, the laughter, the uncomfortable touches…
It was enough to make his blood boil.
No, never, he would have to be dead before he let her suffer such horrors, she should never have to know the fear of not being able to move, of being left to anyone's mercy, to not be able to fight back, to feel like you were completely alone and that apparently you were evil enough to get the entire world to absolutely despise you.
She wasn't meant to feel that kind of darkness.
She should get to stay happy, as happy as she always was, she was safe, and that's all that mattered, he might not remember her, but these feelings he's been having for her…
He knows she had been important, the most important thing in the world for him.
She's safe.
She's the woman from his dreams, the one from the glimpses, she was that thing he should have never forgotten about.
It made him feel light, because he's found her, his angel with golden eyes , he knows he should be mad, or at least feel something for her having lied to him these past months, but he can't bring himself to, not really.
All he's felt with her is warm, safe.
That's enough reason for him to not hate her or feel the slightest sliver of anger.
He can feel her troubled emotions, the guilt, the pain, the sadness, and he hates it, hates even more being the reason for those emotions.
And before he can register what he's doing he's reaching out for her, wrapping his arms around her as he pulled her into a hug, and this time, her touch doesn't bring even the littlest stir of discomfort.
Because she's his angel, and he could never be uncomfortable around his angel.
-I don't blame you nor do I want you to blame yourself, I might not remember, but I do know you're much too important to me, and I don't want you to be sad, much less over things you'd no control over.- He says softly, she doesn't answer, but he can feel her shaking, and he envelopes her with his emotions, wanting her to feel what he was feeling, for her to see the veracity of his words.
Forgiveness, calm, comfort, affection…
It takes a moment before she's wrapping her arms around his waist, fingers clutching his shirt as she buries her face into his chest, her muffled sobs making him hug her even tighter.
She's always the one comforting him, now it's his turn to comfort her.
-It's alright, 'm right here.- He whispers, resting his cheek on her hair, she's been blaming herself for way too long, and he wishes he could remember, that he could remember the time spent with her so he can at least know how to make her feel better. To reassure her that everything would be alright.
But right now all he can do is hold her and hope this can bring her as much comfort as she brings to him when she runs her fingers through his hair.
Meanwhile, Alice can do nothing but cry, cry over having lied to Jasper, the fact that she had even thought he would seriously hate her to begin with, and also because she can't handle it anymore.
He didn't blame her, of course he wouldn't, when had he ever blamed her for something? He was always like that, always comforting her, always trying to make everything seem less of a mess than she made it out to be, always there, having him hugging her doesn't help, and neither do his soft words, that warm feeling.
Why did he always have to be so good? Even if he didn't blame her, she did blame herself, she should have been there, at least to help him fight, get away, something.
She didn't think she could ever bring herself to forgive herself for this, no matter how much he tried to comfort her, she just couldn't, because she was suppose to see it all, what use was her gift of seeing the future when she had let the person she loves most be taken and tortured?
The reminder of him all chained, impaled and muzzled at the church does nothing but make her clutch his shirt even tighter, new tears bursting out, the fear in his gaze, the flinching, the tears, asking to be chained, begging to not be put to sleep, the nightmares, the scars, he couldn't even walk right nor speak right.
And that was just what could be seen, what else had been done to him that she still didn't knew of? How much had he suffered? Had Aro made Jane torture him with her gift? Alec? The sole idea of it made her seethe.
She might have not given him to them, but that little mistake of not checking on him had costed a most terrible price.
And she would have to live with that knowledge for the rest of her life.
That she wasn't able to protect him.
~
-What's my favorite color?
-Blue.
Jasper and Alice laid on the bed, their gazes fixated on each other's, he refused to let go of her, Alice didn't mind, if he wanted to hold her even after knowing the truth, then so be it.
He was now asking her simple questions regarding things he had liked, their first dates and what she liked. It was… interesting.
She didn't mind answering, telling him the truth had left her feeling like a weight had been lifted off of her chest, she didn't even know what had she been so afraid of.
Jasper's never been one to get mad to begin with, if he did got upset he would just sulk and be all stubborn, he didn't raise his voice nor did he break things, he just sulked.
She should have told him the truth long ago.
-I do like blue.- He comments, twirling the string from Alice's blue shirt around his finger, loosening the little ribbon as he did.- Did I give you the necklace in the box?- He asks, his voice is curious as he completely ignores the ribbon of her shirt to meet her gaze.
-Yeah, you played the guitar day and night, you wanted to earn the money to buy it for me.- Alice had found it amusing how he thought he was being sneaky, but she hadn't said a word, he had looked cute when he tried to put up excuses about his odd disappearances.
Though she did admit she hadn't seen the necklace coming.
-Why don't you wear it?- He questions, he doesn't sound accusing, just curious, he's tracing her neck now, as if doodling an invisible necklace, the touch alone making her hairs stand on end and a shiver run down her spine.
She grabs his wrist, halting his moves, she can't risk nor afford indecent feelings right now, she knows he's just curious, that he isn't touching her with that thought in mind, but she can't help how she reacts to his touch, and right now is not the time for such feelings.
Hell, she just told him the truth about a lot of things, this was the last thing she should be thinking about right now.
-I didn't want to lose it or for it to be damaged.- She ends up conceding to his question, brushing away her previous thoughts and releasing his hand, she hadn't wanted to risk losing the necklace, that's why she kept it all in a box, to protect it, she rarely even looked at the picture or through his journal, afraid that her touching it would make the ink fade in the long run.
And she could never lose the picture, the idea of forgetting how he looked like had been terrifying.
But she didn't need a picture anymore, because he was right infront of her.
She dared to bring her hand up, resting it on his cheek and stroking the skin with her thumb softly, he stared at her.
-You're pretty.- His words are blunt and unexpected, catching her off guard, but she doesn't stop stroking his cheek, there's warmth in his eyes, and she can't help but smile at him.
-Thank you, you're very handsome too.- His eyes widen at her words, as if he couldn't quite believe she had said what she just said.
-I am…?- Jasper questions, he's confused now, he's seen movies, scars were what ugly people had, no one likes someone with scars on their face.
Alice claiming them to be together is a bit unbelievable because of that fact, she's beautiful, the most beautiful creature he's ever seen, but she claims to be his mate.
Her skin is devoid of marks, but he is covered in scars, such terrible scars, when she's under the sun she looks like there's little diamonds kissing her skin.
When he does it he looks like a broken mirror, little fractures are all that sparkle among the dozens of ravenous scars. He's come to realize that compared to her, he's honestly hideous.
-Of course, you're very handsome.- There's no hesitation as Alice answers to him, and Jasper has no idea what to do.
-But I've scars.- He finds himself in the need to remind her even though he knows she can see them.
-So? You still look handsome, they're just another part of you, and I like everything about you.- Alice tells as a statement of fact, this is something she knows how to answer, Jasper always felt self-conscious about his scars, even more so because of how he looked like under the sun.
But Alice always found him to be quite the mesmerizing sight, what he had called a broken mirror, she had called it stars, little constellations kissing his skin in half-moon shaped patterns, making it seem as if she were staring at the night sky.
More like a starred night reflecting upon his skin whenever the sun hit.
The first time she had seen him under the sun she had found it to be a breathtaking view, because he had constellations in his skin, it was like staring at the universe.
Which she guessed she was, as cheesy as it was, she was staring at her universe.
He might not believe her, but to her, he was the most beautiful man she's ever seen in her life.
She traced the fingernails' scars across his cheek, a bite mark on his jaw, several new ones across his jawline, if she ever finds who made these scars on his face, she was gonna make them wish for something much sweeter than death.
He's got more new scars on his neck than on his face, and she also knew there were new scars on his arms, torso and legs, she had seen them when she dressed him, and it sickens her, she hates that he had to go through that, hates to think about how he might have felt about with each bite.
How did those bites even got there, hell, he had been wearing his old uniform, the idea of someone having changed his clothes makes her seethe, even more so the reminder of the placing of some of those scars.
She can just pray left and right that she is reading this wrong. She stops at the scar on his bottom lip, stroking it lightly, she remembers scolding him whenever he bit his lip, she had done so because of this exact thing, she hadn't wanted him to hurt himself.
But he had been alone for so long, chewing on his lip was something he did whenever he was extremely anxious, the fact that he had scarred it so bad was nothing but proof of how awful he must have felt.
She hates that she wasn't there to comfort him, that it took her years to save him or even realize that he was alive all along.
She was late, so, so late, he might never return to how he used to be, might never retrieve his memories, and all because she couldn't do one simple thing.
Suddenly, he opens his eyes and looks at her.
-Can I kiss you?- The question was so unexpected it took Alice more than she was willing to admit to register it.
And then.
-You want to kiss me?- She asks, not sure she had heard right, where did that question even came from? He frowns at her, confusion written all over his face.
-Can't I?
-Sure, if that's what you want.- Alice is quick to say at his dejected look, she had refrained herself from kissing him because she didn't want to spook him, even when he slept she had kept herself from kissing him, it didn't felt right to kiss him when he had no idea who she was.
Like she was taking advantage of him.
Jasper for his side doesn't hesitate to draw closer to Alice, he wanted to kiss her, he didn't remember her, but he knew that he liked her a lot, Emmett said that people who liked each other kissed, and he was curious to know how that would feel like.
Plus, something about her touching his bottom lip sent odd sensations through his body, it felt familiar, but he couldn't quite pin point the why.
But he liked it.
He wants to kiss her.
The soft brush of their lips makes a shiver run down his spine and his hairs stand on end, giddiness fills his chest, because she's with him, this beautiful and kind woman was with him.
He isn't quite sure how this works, but he doesn't need to, because the moment he ends the distance between them, the moment he just knows what to do, and he never thought something so apparently simple could make him feel so much.
It makes thousands of butterflies flutter all over his skin, his stomach, such warmth, it's a much too overwhelming feeling that he just loves.
Love.
That's the feeling he couldn't put name to, the one Alice's been enveloping him in for these past months. She loves him.
It's… a nice feeling, to know there's someone who feels like that towards him. It makes him feel warm…
Like he isn't as alone as he had thought.
~
-Do you think they are gonna be alright?- Esme asks, she was sitting under a tree, leaning against Carlisle and still unable to process what she had heard at the house.
Alice had told Jasper the why she thought him dead.
"You didn't like sleeping, you were much too paranoid for that. But I convinced you to do so because you hadn't done so in weeks."
"I went hunting, I wasn't gonna take that long, and I was sure you would be safe, I didn't think anything would happen in such short amount of time."
"When I came back, the cabin was on fire and your blood was everywhere, I tried looking for you, both by foot and through my visions, but I couldn't find you anywhere."
Esme still felt sick over the reminder, she couldn't imagine how horrible it must have been like for Alice, to come back to such an awful view, fire, blood and no sign of him whatsoever.
And if her voice had been something to go for…
She blamed herself for what happened to him.
And it broke her heart to think how horrible she must have felt all these years, to think that behind that smile there had been that kind of pain, that kind of guilt…
She hates that they were torn apart, that Alice was made to think she had gotten her own mate killed while Jasper spent years being subjected to all kinds of horrors.
How could life be so cruel to such sweet souls?
She couldn't understand, and it frustrated her to no end that the Volturi thought themselves to have the right to tear families apart just because of their own selfish desires and hunger for power.
Kill dozens just to get to the few, the Volturi liked to call themselves the law, but all Esme could see was a group of cruel people who did nothing but force vampires to go into hiding, living in fear of losing their loved ones just because.
Like how Amun hid from the world in hopes to keep Benjamin from being taken, or how the Amazons kept themselves as far away from the world to avoid being detected, or how Tanya never left Kate's side in fear that she might never see her again if she does.
It was a dictatorship, some said.
Do as you are told, or you get killed.
For a long time, Esme and Carlisle had done amazing at keeping Alice's gift hidden, had gone as far as never letting Eleazar see her so he wouldn't see her gift, and still, at the end, it was for nothing.
The Volturi knew about her, and they hadn't hesitated to destroy Jasper to get to her, the fact that Aro had gone that far did nothing but prove that at the end, there might actually be nothing they wouldn't do to get what they wanted.
-I think that's up for them to decide, but I do believe it's gonna turn out alright.- Carlisle conceded, his fingers carding through Esme's hair absentmindedly.
To be honest? He wasn't sure how all this would turn out, Alice was seemingly blaming herself over something that wasn't her fault, had been doing so for years, and now with Jasper here…
He had a feeling she had also put on herself the blame of all that Jasper's gone through, and that was such not a healthy thing to do.
There was also Jasper, he seemed quite infatuated with her, but how would it affect him to know Alice was his mate? He's been through so much Carlisle worried he might not be able to know how to handle a relationship when he was so physically and emotionally worn out.
He just hoped things wouldn't turn out as terrible as he thought.
There was also the Volturi to be worried about, it's been almost three months since Jasper was found and there were still no sign of them, he worried about what might be their plan.
Edward had said Aro wanted to use Jasper to get to Alice, but how would he do that? Jasper had refused to join them all these past decades, so it was clear he hadn't bent down to them, he was decapitated with what objective? To get a raise out of Alice so she would go face the Volturi?
Carlisle couldn't see that being the plan, it was much too simple, Aro was smarter than that, he would know that that couldn't be a secure method to get to her.
So what? He felt like there was something none of them was seeing, what was Aro's true plan? Why would he let Jasper go? Wouldn't it had been easier to lock him in Volterra and let Alice see him? No one would have said anything at that, The Major was considered a criminal.
So why let him leave? It doesn't make any sense.
And it eats at Carlisle to not know, because he has the feeling this won't end well.