JOSHUA
Josh was still awake, thinking of too many things. He had never expected to find yet another present, a guitar, in his bed, at bed time, and when he had he had almost squealed like – like a baby.
He hadn't squealed, but he'd hugged the dickens out of the thing.
He'd quickly regained his senses, and was glad he was by himself in the upper bunk. Imagine if – anybody – had seen him doing that! They'd have thought he was still a kid, and a little kid at that. Even littler than people thought Jeremy was. Well, younger.
Josh had got up and put his guitar away, somewhere it wouldn't be damaged. When he'd turned to go back to bed, he saw that Jeremy had one, too. The silly boy was looking at it like he'd never seen such thing.
He was watching Josh. He was always watching somebody or something.
"Want me to put yours up, too? We can play them tomorrow." He hoped he could remember enough from what Mama had taught him, at least enough to get started. But it had been a long time ago.
Jeremy shook his head and wrapped his arms around the neck, just as Josh had done. (He didn't look too silly, either, but then he was younger.) "Mine."
"I know that."
"Boys," Da warned, but without heat. He sounded really tired.
Jason came in the front door. "Aren't you supposed to be in bed?" he asked Josh, but his eyes were smiling.
"Look!" Jeremy said. "J-Jason? What is it?"
"It's music," Jason answered, and turned to their father. "Do you want the bottle, Da, or just a glass tonight?"
"Glass. I won't spill as much if I drop it."
Jason nodded, poured out a drink, and carried it to Da. "Did you have too much excitement today, Da?"
Da took the glass, and sipped. "Not as much as happened after you left, son. As you can see, your brothers are not in bed."
"I am," Jeremy objected. (Dumb kid.)
"There wasn't enough room in their beds for them," Da continued, ignoring the interruption.
"Want me to whup 'em for you?" Jason offered.
"Hey!" Josh objected. "I was putting mine up. I offered to put his away too, but he said no."
"And that surprised you? Finished, Da?" Jason took the glass at the man's nod.
Jeremy did something to a few strings, and almost scrunched his shoulders into his ears at the sound. "Not Music."
"It needs tuned," Jason said, nodding for Josh to get back in his bed.
"Like p-piano?"
"Similar." Jason tried to take the instrument, and Jeremy again clutched it.
"Hmm." Jason pretended to be thinking, while behind him their father moved to his bed. "Well, Josh,"Jason finally said, "think you can make room for me in your bed tonight, or will I have to camp out on the floor?"
"No, me!" Jeremy protested.
"There's not room in the bed for me, you, and your new friend."
Jeremy reluctantly surrendered the guitar. "My very own music," he said. "Jason, when can it make music?"
"Josh or Da can show you tomorrow." Jason checked the fire and put out the lamp before getting into bed.
The house settled into night, the fire occasionally crackling or popping, just a bit, and the sounds of breathing slowing. First Da's, then Jeremy's. Jason's breathing was deep and regular, and Josh tried to breathe the same way, but he was thinking.
What if he couldn't remember how to play? Or even get started? Mom would be so disappointed with him.
Maybe he'd remember when he actually tried. But maybe he wouldn't. Wouldn't it be really really horrible if one of the things Da had to tell her when he went to her was that her little blond prince had forgot everything she'd taught him?
Josh hung his head over the edge of the bed. "Hey, Jason," he said in a voice just above a whisper. "Jason, are you awake?"
A pause, and a stir, and in a voice just as quiet the answer came. "No."
"Oh. Sorry. I'll let you sleep then." Josh flopped his head back on his pillow. He smiled when he heard Jason sit up on the side of the bed. He always did it that way.
"What's on your mind, little brother?"
"Lots of stuff. Jason, was today good or bad?"
"A bit of both, like most days," Jason answered. Slowly; carefully.
"It was – it was – I don't know!"
"Memorable," Jason said, ever the wordsmith. "Today was memorable, and that's what Da wanted us to have. One Special Memorable day. For him, too."
Josh was silent for a long time.
Jason was not fooled into thinking he had gone to sleep. Joshua rarely had any problem sleeping, and was usually not vulnerable to sharing confidences in the night. When he was, he needed to be heard and calmed, if possible. This day had been difficult as well as – satisfactory. Surprising. Healing?
"It's the first time in a long time that we've all felt like a family at the same time."
"Yes," Jason agreed, and the silence fell again.
Josh sighed.
Jason waited.
"All five of us," Josh said, with another sigh and a hint of a question.
"All five of us," Jason confirmed, and waited.
"What if I can't? What if I forgot how?"
"Forgot what?"
"Everything," Josh whispered. "Everything she tried to teach me." He was trying hard not to cry.
Jason thought carefully over how to respond to that. He wasn't sure what all Josh included in 'everything.' The music was no doubt a large part of it, but what else? "If you mean the music, I don't think that's true," he finally said. "If you'd forgotten, you'd never have been able to put on your little concert tonight."
"You helped."
"That's right. I helped. You did most of the work. You knew how things should sound. You had the ideas of how to make them sound that way. You even managed to keep Jeremy in line and following your program."
Jason stood up so that he was face to face with Joshua – not a child, nor grown. "What's this really about,Josh?"
"What if – what if – " Josh swallowed tears. "What if I forgot how to play? What if I never remember? What if – " he couldn't continue, the tears finally winning. He buried his face in Jason's shoulder.
Jason pulled the boy closer. "If you've forgotten, Da can teach you. If he can't teach you, we'll find someone who can. The way people drift through here, sooner or later there'll be a skilled guitarist. It's inevitable."
Josh sniffed.
"I don't think that's the case," Jason continued. "I think, once you start, it will all come back to you. Mom said you took to playing her guitar like a duck takes to water; that you had an instinct for it. She was so pleased."
"But what if I did forget?" Josh put his head back on the pillow, and turned flat on his back.
"Then you'll learn again," Jason said practically. "If you don't, do you know what will happen? Jeremy will have to teach you, instead of the other way around. Now, we can't have that, can we?"
Josh almost giggled, like the child he wasn't anymore. "No," he agreed.
Jason pulled a blanket over his brother. "Feel better? Do you think you can sleep now?'
"Uh-huh," Josh said, with a yawn, before suddenly sitting up and throwing his arms around Jason's neck in a fierce hug. "I'm glad there's you," he said, and turned over to try to sleep.
Jason stood beside him until he was asleep, and then got back into bed himself.
He was awake for a long time, hoping he had said the right things. He'd done his best.