Colour me with firelight

Part 2

Eliza was in shock, as William unexpectedly kissed her in her doorway. Her body tensed, and her hand gripped the front door, while her other arm instinctively went to his arm to hold herself up, even though she was fully supported by him. She knew instantly she should stop him, pull away, and demand he explain himself, do something to stop him, but it was like his kiss had dissolved all her usual defences as her body relaxed and melted into his. The kiss ignited something warm inside her that she didn't even know existed.

As William moved his angle without taking his lips off hers, managing to fit them together perfectly, slowly he captured more of her and encouraged her to relax by moving his lips against hers, so they parted a little deepening their connection. He pulled at her top lip and then her bottom lip in between short breaths. He teased his tongue against hers tasting the whiskey on her breath, and it felt like coming home. It was her he wanted.

With a single moment of clarity, William pushed them a few steps backwards inside the house, and then aimlessly kicked at the front door to close it. He felt Eliza give it a push as she let it go and her hand wrapped around his neck. He pulled her close into him, kissed her with purpose, and showed her what words couldn't say. Every curve and outline of her body was against him, and his body reacted in ways that a kiss shouldn't have invoked.

Time stood still and William took in every drop of her that he could, desperate for it not to end because he knew that the moment he released her, the spell would be broken, and she'd likely berate him for his inappropriate behaviour. For a few moments in time, he chose to believe she wanted him this way and there was once again hope for something more between them.

In the flickering candlelight of the hallway, William's kiss was everything Eliza never knew she wanted. Her mind was blank as he took charge, and she could only return his unexpected movements with her mouth and accept what was happening as he brushed his tongue delicately against her. Their lips moved in sync with mutual appreciation. Her fingers stroked his neck and to her surprise, he hummed softly, amazing her that something so innocent affected him so. He held her so tightly against him that she wasn't sure she ever wanted him to let go.

Eliza heard William's hat softly fall on the floor, though she couldn't tell if it had fallen because of their kisses, or if possibly she had knocked it. Either way, it didn't have any effect on William, nor did he stop kissing her to notice it. His kisses became gentler and more tender, though she had no experience to compare to, she could sense he was trying to control himself.

William slowed his kisses as he finally felt the need to catch his breath, feeling himself losing a battle against his body and mind that he could little afford to do. The last time he'd kissed her she'd slapped him for his indiscretion, and this kiss obliterated that one into the realms of a simple peck. He'd crossed the line, and despite how he felt he couldn't scare her. Though, she could probably slap him again and he wouldn't even notice this time because kissing her now was better than anything he'd experienced or imagined before.

His hand moved to her face and his thumb instinctively rubbed her cheek as he placed slow gentle, featherlight kisses against her lips. He dared not to open his eyes to look at her for fear of what he would see and simply rested his forehead and hers as he regained control of his breathing and himself.

Eliza slipped her hand from his neck and ran her fingers over his shoulder and then down his collar before resting it against his beating heart, which was thankfully thumping against his chest as hard as her own was. She couldn't speak because her mind was blank for what to say, or even comprehend what had just happened, as only a few hours earlier they were barely speaking and now he was kissing her in her hallway.

"I'm sorry," he whispered breathlessly. He pulled back just a little and slowly opened his eyes. Eliza was looking at him, clearly confused, but his words could cover a multitude of things he should be apologising for.

Eliza went to query what he was sorry for, and she momentarily wondered if she'd done something wrong, hadn't kissed him right, or worse that he regretted it and he was about to say he shouldn't have kissed her.

Only he took a further step backwards and released her, before picking his hat off the floor, turning down the hall and almost throwing it on a hook, while chuckling to himself as he rubbed the back of his neck. He turned back and stared at her with a strange look on his face before he shook his head.

"You know what…" he said rhetorically, "No, I'm not sorry at all… I should have done that a long time ago…"

Eliza stood, suddenly feeling cold at the lack of his body against hers, wrapped her around her stomach rubbing her arms to relieve the goosebumps while trying to steady her breathing. She took in his words, and that he was smiling, almost unbelieving what he'd done as much as she did. She was still drawing a blank as to what to say, or even to ask what had compelled him to kiss her in such a way.

Her silence was deafening, and her expression so full of shock that she was giving little away as to what she was thinking, but the fact that she had returned his kisses, and she hadn't immediately chastised him, could only mean that she was affected as much as he was. He held his hand towards her, and she looked at it a little warily. He smirked and dropped it to his side, before motioning for her to follow him to the drawing room. He didn't wait to see if she followed, knowing purely out of curiosity she would.

Eliza stood motionless, suddenly feeling that whatever she'd been standing on had been pulled from under her. She knew she had to follow him, especially because he was walking around like they were in his house and not hers. With a deep breath, she pulled herself together and moved towards the room.

William shrugged off his jacket, undid his cravat and threw both over the back of the settee then he unbuttoned the collar of his shirt before he began to roll up his sleeves. He moved straight to the drinks table and poured himself a drink from the crystal decanter, and seeing her glass he topped hers up too before replacing the stopper casually he turned around and moved towards her holding it out. Once more, she looked scared, perhaps like he was offering poison. Yet, after a moment, she took it, and he watched as she took a swing and downed the amber liquid in one impressive mouthful. For once, she had lost her usual cool, calm resolve.

It was amusing that Eliza could stand down bullets and bad guys, but here at this moment, she had none of the usual confidence. She handed back her glass and William smirked as he took it and returned it to the table.

"What are you doing?" She finally asked, barely above a whisper.

William smiled as he took a gulp and let the taste linger in his mouth before he replied.

"Honestly, I'm not entirely sure…" This felt like the craziest idea he'd ever had, but his patience had worn thin, he needed to know how she felt and where they stood, if there was even the remotest possibility for a future for them.

"Well, you just kissed me!" She exclaimed as if what he had done was just hitting her.

"Yes, I am aware," he gave a small grin, clearly unapologetic, as he relieved the feeling.

Eliza looked beautiful in the yellow glow of the firelight that was warming the room behind her. Everything he needed to know was right in front of him, and just within his reach. He didn't need to be brave anymore, he just needed to know she felt the same way as he did.

"But… Why?" she stammered, for the first time a little lost for words.

That was as good a question as any, not that he could give her a good enough answer for it, would she accept it if he told her he loved her?

"Why not?" he shrugged. "Why shouldn't I kiss you?"

Eliza practically scoffed at him, because there was a long list of reasons that he shouldn't kiss her, starting with another woman's name.

"Erm… Arabella…" Eliza blinked as if it were obvious, but William just seemed to find it amusing as he ducked his head and tried not to laugh. "This isn't funny," she warned him.

"I know… I'm not…She…" William sighed and stumbled unsure what to say. After all, anything he said made it look like he was just running back to her after being cast out by Arabella. God, he was a fool, and he knew it now, but he couldn't change the past. He knew Arabella's words were right, the only woman for him was standing right there in front of him.

"She what?" Eliza pressed.

"We broke up…" he said simply.

"What?" Eliza looked at him shocked and wondered what had happened in the few hours between her leaving him on the steps of Scotland Yard and now. "Why?"

Eliza's eyes were wide with panic. Had they broken up because of her? Was she the reason? What did it mean if they had?

"That isn't important. What's important is that I'm here, with you and we need to talk…"

Eliza blinked, because yes why they broke up was important to her, but then again, did she care, so long as Arabella was out of his life? After her words earlier, did him being there mean he had taken them enough to heart to choose her? Her stomach suddenly felt in turmoil, because if he was choosing her, she knew they couldn't remain just the friends that they were. He would expect something back from her and the idea scared her.

"So, talk…" Eliza folded her arms across her chest defensively, and she noticed William's shoulders drop as if he was disappointed by her somehow.

"Eliza, please. I didn't come here for an argument," he sighed softly.

"Okay." She sounded softer but looked no less defensive. "Why are you here?"

"Because I need to know… what you meant…earlier, about not wanting to share me." Of course, he wanted to know how she felt about him, but the words stuck in his throat, fearful that she would backtrack as she always did.

"Why? What difference does it make?" she threw back at him. Well, he wasn't wasting any time, Eliza thought, as she almost wished he'd picked any easier starting topic. Even if she did admit it, it didn't change anything between them, there was too much at stake.

"Because I'm exhausted trying to guess what you want from me." He looked as worn down as his words suggested, as he stared at her.

What did she want from him? That was a bigger question than she was expecting from him, and she didn't have an answer, so she kept quiet, her eyes fixed on the carpet. For William, her silence was deafening, and he could feel the hope draining from him. She didn't feel for him what he did for her, he was certain of it, and once again Arabella's words that he would never be enough rang in his ears.

"Did you mean what you said?" she finally asked apprehensively, almost scared of his answer.

"Said when?" William queried, shaking his head with confusion. Of course, she would turn things around to whatever he had said. She couldn't just speak plainly and say how she felt. She never could.

"In the jewellery shop? Did you mean what you said? Was it real?" She asked, her tone no less defensive. It had felt real. Like he was talking about them to her very soul, but surely, he was just pretending since she had goaded him into it.

William drew in a sharp breath realising what she was doing. She was trying to get him to admit his feelings before she would, he could of course lie, and say no, he was just making the story up as he went along as she challenged him to, but deep down he knew his words had been from the heart. She was the most beautiful woman he'd ever met, and he had always hoped that fate meant they would somehow end up together.

Eliza stared as William remained silent, and for once he wore an expression she couldn't read. Would he say he meant it, or that it was just words thought up on the spot? She cast her eyes to the floor and could feel her heart pounding as she clenched her fists, waiting for the punch she was sure was coming.

"Yes…" he confirmed with absolute certainty as he stared at her and hoped she believed him.

The word hung in the space between them as William realised there was nothing else that he could say. It surprised him how it sounded far more confident than he felt. He knew he was opening himself up for rejection, and as Eliza snapped her eyes up from the floor to meet his, he could feel the panic inside him growing that this was the moment he lost her.

"Then, why were you with Her?" Eliza asked desperately.

She had no right to question him, who he courted should be none of her concern, yet this hurt more than she cared to admit. Despite how she felt about Arabella, she did want William to be happy and she couldn't deny he seemed to be happy with her. He was less grumpy, he smiled more and looked more relaxed.

Arabella was far more the kind of woman William wanted, and she would have made a far better wife than she could. Despite them never really discussing it, deep down she knew William wanted a proper wife and family, so she chose to step away from him.

If he felt as he suggested about her, then what was he doing courting Arabella?

"Because… You don't want me!" William replied exasperated. "How many plans have you cancelled with me? How many times have I tried to guess what's going on in your mind? Every time I think we've gotten close you've pushed me away."

That was what it always came down to. No matter how much he tried, she would always hold back, and he would always be second fiddle to her job. Arabella wanted to spend time with him, and he enjoyed her attention, was that so wrong of him? Did Eliza expect him to become a monk and wait around for her? If she didn't want him what was to stop him from finding someone who did want him? Other than the obvious, he could pretend for a while, but Eliza would always be there in his mind.

"Well, I'm not what you want either!" she bit back. "You said yourself we couldn't be more anything other than friends…"

Eliza hugged her arms around her waist tighter, of course, he would blame her. What was she supposed to think? They were old friends, and that was that.

"I said for now! Because once again, you put your ambition ahead of me and how something might affect me because that's what you do, it's what you always do. Have you ever once thought of me?" he asked, getting frustrated. "Have I ever crossed your mind, how I might feel? What I might want?"

"Oh, so I'm supposed to ask your permission…" she responded with equal annoyance.

"No not my permission! But maybe just occasionally I'd like to feel I'm The One, and not just One Of…. That I'm important, I mean something to you."

Eliza was quietly lost in his frustration, perhaps on occasion, she had made him feel less significant to her than he was. Yet, what was she supposed to do? She didn't think he wanted her in that way. She would never be able to be the woman he would expect her to be, so what was the point in pretending that they could be anything more than friends?

"Do I mean something more to you… or am I always going to be just an old friend?" William finally asked. He spat out the words old friend because he hated them with a vengeance. It wasn't the question he needed to ask, because underneath it he was asking if she loved him, yet he couldn't bring himself to ask it so plainly.

"Of course, you do… I do care for you…" Eliza responded quickly and without hesitation before stopping herself. She just couldn't let out the rest of the words.

"So why are we dancing around this still? Aren't you tired of this game we've been playing all these years? Cause I am. I'm exhausted pretending that there isn't something between us."

Eliza shrugged and shook her head, feeling like she was standing on the edge of a bridge and being told to jump into the murky water below. That game they played was where she felt safest. She knew the rules, and how to keep him both far enough away and just within reach. Yes, it was maybe a little cruel, but surely that was better than losing each other.

"Eliza, I need to know what you want from me…" William finally asked drained as he stared at her. "I need to know plainly if you see a future for us?"

"I…"

Only Eliza just stood opening and closing her mouth unable to form the words he needed to hear. Her heart ached for something she couldn't put words to, and her mind stubbornly refused to cooperate, too lost in the fear of what would happen if she said something that sounded like an affirmation of her feelings for him.

"I… don't know…" she finally whispered as her shoulders dropped and she closed her eyes. She didn't want to hurt him, but the future she saw for them wasn't the same as he did.

William felt a pain in his chest that was like being stabbed by a blunt object and it hurt like hell. She couldn't do it, even when he was standing there almost begging her, she couldn't let her guard down to give him just a fraction of what he wanted from her.

"We…" Eliza sighed sadly. "We want different things. You want a wife, a family and I don't know if I can be that person who can give you that," she admitted. "I want your respect, to be proud of me, to accept that I'm good at my job and I don't just want to be one of those women who does nothing."

She opened her eyes and finally looked at William with fear, as she gauged his reaction.

"So that's it, you never want to get married, or have children? You're perfectly happy all by yourself with just this house and your work. You have no need for anything else in your life? Not even me?" William asked, unable to believe that anyone would want to spend their life isolated from those who loved them.

He'd spent over half his life alone and the only time he ever felt like he belonged somewhere was next to Henry or Eliza. To be alone was a miserable existence and he couldn't believe that Eliza wanted that for the rest of her life.

"If the alternative is that I'm expected to give up my agency, sit quietly keeping house, raising children, and being told what I should and shouldn't do all the time, then yes. That isn't the life I want for myself. I want more than that. I will not be someone's property."

She was adamant and firm in her belief that if her future was to resemble the image that she conjured in her mind of what marriage was and how she should behave, she didn't want it. She'd spend a lifetime alone before she would submit to that.

"I'm not going to become something I'm not just to please someone else's expectations of who I should be."

"So that's it, that's your choice? You don't want love in your life? Even if it's possible that it will be nothing like how you imagine it will be?"

Was Arabella right, that her career was more important to her than anything else? Even any feelings that she might have for him. He meant something to her, but not enough to find a compromise. She wasn't even going to give them a chance to be something more.

"What other option is there? Even you know I would make a terrible wife…" Eliza told him while knowing the mocking that was sure to follow.

"Yes, you would," William agreed without needing a heartbeat to think about it. "Yet I'm still standing here. I'm still trying to find a way to figure this out because I want this… I want you. So, are you willing to meet me halfway?"

Eliza remained quiet and avoided his gaze. William felt the hope he'd walked in with fading as she stood with her arms wrapped around her waist and eyes downcast. It seemed pointless to even try to argue with her because she'd already made up her mind. His shoulders dropped and his heart sank as he watched her unwilling to give him any reassurance or brave enough to admit she felt anything for him.

He shook his head and turned his back to her because he didn't want her to see the hurt that would be written all over his face. He'd been here before, standing on the cusp of something with her only to be left disappointed when she pushed him away. She would never feel the same way about him that he did for her, and his heart was breaking.

He dug his hands deep in his pockets and took a step towards the door. Defeat hung over him because no matter how much he wanted something more, no matter how he felt for her, if she didn't then nothing would change. He wouldn't force it, he wanted her to be happy, even if it made him miserable.

Without even looking up Eliza knew he was preparing to leave, and deep down something told her that if she let him walk out the door, she would live to regret it. Everything she'd tried to balance with him would collapse around her.

Did he mean the words he'd said? That he wanted her, or would he walk away if she didn't do as he wanted? Could she give a part of herself to him that she'd held onto for all these years? The last time she'd let herself think about it, things had ended before they'd even begun because William had walked away. What about now? She did want to believe that things could be different.

She touched her fingers to her lips remembering the feeling of him pressed against her and shivered. She could still feel the tingle of goosebumps that he had caused. She'd never felt anything like his kiss, not that she'd ever let anyone get close enough to try before. With their years of friendship, the one thing she knew was that they had always found a way back to each other, but now there was no way they could pretend any longer. This was it.

She heard his shoes tap slowly against the floor and she squeezed her eyes shut and took a breath.

Be brave Eliza….

To be continued...