A chapter in S5 from Jess's POV. Enjoy!

A string of tinsel tangles around Jess's foot and he kicks it out the way. Christmas was practically a week ago but decorations are still scattered on the street. Tonight is the one night Jess hates worse than Christmas. Shouts of excitement and sounds of glass smashing assault Jess's ears as he walks. Tonight is New Year's Eve.

Jess prolongs the walk back to his apartment but it's colder than a witch's teat out, as Holden Caulfied charmingly put it, so fairly soon he turns onto his street with 's the same feeling he had a few years ago, living here with Liz. The apartment was never an improvement. As he enters, Jess realises it's not much warmer inside. At least there's some heating, in the form of an ancient radiator and space heater. That's more than he can say for the places he shared with his mother. Shaking off his jacket, Jess goes to the refrigerator and gets out a beer. He's just about to head into his room and find some suitably depressing music when a door opens.

"Hey, man."

"Hey," Jess says sourly. It's his roommate, Chris, who Jess generally likes spending time with - high compliment - but the guy has an annoying habit of asking about his day.

"Happy New Year's," Chris says, going and getting a beer for himself and shaking his head as Jess points out it's not midnight yet. "Close enough. Cheers."

He cracks open the top and raises his bottle to Jess's who, after a second, lifts his as well and echoes, "Cheers."

"There you go," Chris says, taking a swig. "I'm heading over to a party on Third. You want to go?"

"No."

Chris laughs. "Come on, man. It'll be fun."

"No, it won't."

Chris laughs again. Jess never knows if it's worse when people laugh when they answer him or if they get pissed off. He settles on pissed off. Then they don't keep trying and leave him alone.

"Matt's going to be there and he's bringing his new girlfriend."

"Sounds like a swell night."

"Hey, Matt's cool," Chris says, after a pause. "I thought you liked hanging out with him."

"Matt's fine," Jess says, stopping the sarcasm. "He's a cool guy. It's just parties…New Year's…it's not my scene."

"Okay," Chris says, drinking some more beer. "But how are you going to bring in the new year? Sitting alone in your room?"

"Hey, I don't crap on your lifestyle."

Chris laughs again but this time it's less annoying. He gets up, gives Jess a clap on the shoulder, and says, "Hey, should I mention the apartment thing to Matt? You know, how we said we might look for a place together?"

"Sure, why not?"

"You didn't sound that enthused about seeing him."

"Matt's a cool guy," Jess says again. "New Year's isn't my thing, is all."

"Got it."

"I'm sure his girlfriend is cool too." A little sarcasm creeps in despite himself and Chris laughs. Jess laughs too, shaking his head, and says, more sincerely, "No, I'm sure she is. I just don't do parties."

"Yeah, I know. I just figured, New Year's - maybe you'd want to celebrate."

There is nothing Jess wants to celebrate less but he appreciates the gesture. Giving Chris a quick smile, he drinks some beer and says, "Thanks, man."

"Anytime."

The next hour consists of Chris going in and out his room, getting his stuff together and alternatively chatting to Jess as he goes in and out. Whenever Jess thinks he has a moment to escape to his own room Chris is back again, cracking some joke and saying he's 'worse than a woman' for getting ready. Finally he leaves and Jess lets out a long breath of relief. He likes Chris and most of time he actually likes his company but right now he needs space. Ironically, Chris knows that about him and the only thing Jess can figure is that New Year's makes people crazy.

Grabbing a fresh beer, he heads into his room and starts selecting an album to listen to. Jess is just beginning to relax when his cellphone rings. Resisting the urge to throw the damn thing against a wall Jess sees it's Luke and grumpily answers, "What?"

"And a Happy New Year to you too, nephew of mine."

"It's not New Year's yet."

"Close enough."

"Are we going to do this whole thing again?"

"What thing?"

"Never mind. Why are you calling?"

"Who wouldn't want to call and get a reception like that?" Luke asks sarcastically. "Just saying hello."

"Hello," Jess says, feeling slightly bad, and his uncle starts laughing. Jess laughs too, relaxing a little, and asks, "What's up?"

"Nothing much. Same old, you know. Diner's the same, town's the same, you know."

"That town will always be the same. Aliens could land and it would be the same."

"You sure some of them aren't?"

"Good point. Okay, if David Bowie held a concert there."

"You think they know who he is?"

"Some of them," Jess says and then his heart clenches slightly. "Anyway. I'm assuming they're throwing a party, or some other cry for help tonight."

"You assume correctly."

"And I assume Lorelai is running it?"

"Lorelai's on the costume committee."

"You mean your girlfriend," Jess teases and Luke coughs. "Are you making costumes together?"

"No, wiseass, we are not."

"Right. But she's got you whipping up pancakes for it."

"To fit the theme," Luke admits and Jess bursts into laughter. He laughs so hard he almost spills his beer as Luke protests, "Hey, it's a town thing."

"You hate town things."

"Yeah, I do hate town things. But it's just a few pancakes."

"With a theme," Jess reminds him. "And what the hell does a New Year's party need a costume committee for?"

"Don't ask me to explain. Hey, you can come if you want."

"You're kidding."

"Why not?"

"Is that a serious question?"

"You haven't visited for a while."

Jess stops laughing, guiltily switching his beer from hand to hand as he says, "I know."

He saw Luke a few days before Christmas, spoke to him on the phone on the actual day. He suggested Luke sleep on the sofa – or even Jess taking the sofa - but Luke said something about it being a crazy time of year anyway and having the diner to run and Jess figured he didn't mind.

"Hey, I don't love this town either," Luke says. "But the people aren't so bad."

"Is…everyone there?" Jess asks, wincing at how pathetic the sentence is.

"No," Luke says, after a pause. "They're not."

"Oh," Jess says, He sounds even more pathetic than before. "Okay."

"They might," Luke adds, not saying her name. "I don't know."

"You don't?"

"They're at some music thing in Hartford."

Some music thing. Jess wonders what it is. One time he would have gone to that with her.

There's a long, awkward pause. Jess doesn't know if he feels better or worse for asking.

"Look," Luke says eventually. "Forget I asked."

"Luke -"

"I know you hate town things."

"It's not -" Jess starts to say before stopping himself but Luke hears all the same as he says gently, "I know."

"Come spend a day in the city," Jess says, trying to sound cheerful with the result of sounding like an extra in a forties musical. "Soon as all the holiday crap has died down you should drive out and we'll go get coffee."

"That sounds good," Luke says. "I could use a break from holiday crap."

They both laugh and Jess actually means it as he says, "Good to talk."

"Yeah."

Jess is about to say goodbye when Luke suddenly says, "She's okay. She's good."

"She is?"

"Yeah."

"Good. Is she still, uh…" Jess tries to find a casual way to ask but awkwardly settles on, "With someone?"

"Jess…"

"Just asking."

Luke lets out a long sigh before saying, "No."

"No?"

"But…."

Jess waits but Luke doesn't finish. "But what?"

"Nothing."

"You said but so what is it?" Jess asks irritably. "What?"

"Leave it alone."

"I am leaving it alone!" Jess snaps. "You brought her up! Is she seeing someone else?"

"I don't know."

"Great. Thanks, Columbo."

"Jess, leave it alone," Luke says, his tone sharper than before. "Leave it. Does it make a difference?"

Luke's got him there. Jess closes his eyes before answering, "No. Guess not."

"Hey," Luke says. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have mentioned her."

"I'm glad you did," Jess says, half meaning it. "I'm glad she's good."

"Really?"

"Yeah," Jess says honestly. "I am."

"Okay."

"Okay."

"I should go," Jess says after a pause. "And it sounds like you have a lot of pancakes to make."

Luke laughs at that. "Yes, I do. And I've got to hide from the costume mania."

Jess laughs as he says, "Happy New Year, Luke."

"Happy New Year, Jess."

Jess hangs up and goes back to the music but nothing is fitting his mood. Everything he looks at seems to be the wrong choice and when Jess finally picks something up a memory hits him, a memory of listening to this album with someone else and her remark, see, I told you this was good. Lane has great taste.

Jess drops the album. He storms out the room, slams the door and grabs the jacket he left on the chair. Tugging it on, he hurries outside and starts walking, not knowing nor caring where he's going. She's okay…she's good.

Jess wants Rory to be good. Whatever happened between them, he wants her to be good. She is good and he is glad but he has a stupid pain in his chest, a pain drinking the last of his beer isn't stopping. Dropping the bottle into a bin, Jess walks faster and faster but the pain stays and if anything grows stronger.

He moved on from her. He knows he has to move on from her, knew it the moment she wouldn't go with him. No! Those words, that look in her eyes hurt worse than the pain he's feeling now. Hurt worse than when she said she had to let him go on her graduation day. No hurt he's ever had has compared to that. He screwed up, he doesn't need Luke, or anyone, to tell him that. Jess didn't even plan to asking her to go with him. He was trying to communicate, do the healthy thing that stupid book Luke gave him encouraged him to do. He loved her. Jess just wanted to tell her that, just wanted to ask if they could start over. Hell, he was just going to ask if they could start with coffee. And then Dean was there of all guys, standing at her door, and Jess panicked. All this junk came out, this desperate wish for her to be with him, away from the world like they always were, and she was freaked out and telling him no. Telling him she didn't want to be with him. Jess left, spent the next three months in a funk but knew it was over. That was one clear thing in the chaos, the knowledge that it was over. And the knowledge that he had to move on.

He tried. It was hard but he tried. Had a couple of one night stands which just made him feel worse, agreed to go on a date which even worse than that and found a new job. That, surprisingly, didn't make him feel worse. Jess wouldn't go so far as to say it made him feel better but the job, entering data in the community library, didn't suck. The work itself was pretty tedious but it was fine and there were books everywhere. It reminded Jess of spending days in the library as a little kid and the librarian who would suggest books to him here and there. If she minded him hanging out in the corner until the place closed she never said so. Matt worked there too and they got to hanging out on their lunch breaks, something resembling friendship, and after several complaints of how much rent was exploding decided to move in together and split it. A lot has happened since summer and Jess is actually feeling better, even if he gets that pain when Rory's name comes up. One time Luke admitted she was seeing someone and it was like a punch in the chest.

"Who?" Jess demanded, dropping his pastry. He and Luke were having lunch - ignoring cutesy rhyme for it the cafe had written outside which promised a great brunch - and his uncle coughed, looking everywhere except at his nephew.

"No one."

"She's dating a ghost?"

"Jess…"

"Just tell me."

"It doesn't matter who," Luke said after a pained silence. "Right?"

Jess had to admit there was logic there but was still pissed off as he asked, "Some Yale guy?" and his uncle coughed, not saying anything else. Whatever. Jess is still pissed off when he thinks about it. So what if Rory's dating someone? He never expected her to wait around for him. She told him as much when she said she wasn't going to pine and anyway, it's over, Jess knows it's over so what did he expect? Her to be the unmarried Miss Havisham? He wonders who the guy is, or was, seeing as he's now past tense. Some guy from her lit class, he thinks. Some guy she'll talk about novels with and concepts from their class and they go for coffee together. They probably spent weekends in bed together. Jess wishes he still had his beer bottle to throw against a wall and settles for kicking a large pebble instead, which only results in hurting his foot. Jess welcomes it. It distracts him from the hurt in his chest. Apparently it's over now, with whoever this guy was, so Jess doesn't get why Luke was being weird. He didn't say she was seeing someone else. Rory can, if she wants. She can sleep with a new guy every week if she wants. It's not like Jess is with her. And if it's not some new guy what does Luke think, that Jess is going to drive down to Stars Hollow and chase her through the stupid town festival to declare his feelings? Like hell. Jess knows how that ends.

Jess turns down another street, not caring which one. She can do what she wants. He knows that, it's been months and Jess knows any chance of things changing between them is slim to none. He's not an idiot. He's not an idiot and he's not some asshole who doesn't want her to be happy without him. She should move on. He knows that, so why is it hurting so much to hear about her? He's living his own life. He's not pining after her. She can start over, he can start over, so why the hell is he still missing her so damn much?

A blare of an airhorn makes Jess jump so hard he's shaken from his thoughts. Screams puncture the night air with cries of "Happy New Year!" A jagged line of people run across the street, a couple drunkenly kissing, and Jess angrily shoves past, ignoring their indignant, "Hey, man!" Jess doesn't care. God, he hates this junk, all this new year crap. Like a new page of the calendar is going to magically turn you into a new person, wipe away all the mess of the year before. Jess stops, stares at the sky and yells, "Happy New Year!" The stars shine coldly down on him. Jess gazes at them, the icy air freezing the sudden tear in his eye. Turning, he walks in whatever direction back to the apartment and is relieved that his key is still in his jacket pocket. He was so pissed off he left without even checking it was there. That would have been the perfect end to the evening.

The apartment is still and empty and Jess feels more peaceful, strangely, than before. He goes back to the music collection and settles on Fairytale of New York. Stereotypical, yes, but sometimes that's okay. He lets the man and woman argue in song and smiles, their mood matching his. Seems he's not the only cynic about this day of the year.

The front door opens and Jess hears Matt and Chris come in, laughing to themselves. Surprised, Jess goes out and asks, "Thought you were at the party?"

"Ah, it kind of fell apart at midnight," Chris says and Matt adds, "And I wanted to bring in the new year with you, Mariano. You have that special cheer."

Jess rolls his eyes but isn't annoyed. Going to the fridge, he finds three beers and hands them out before lifting his own.

"Happy New Year, fellas."

"Happy New Year," Matt and Chris chorus and they hit their bottles against his before taking a long drink.

"So," Chris says, wiping his mouth with his sleeve. "What's your New Year's resolution?"

Jess laughs at that and shakes his head. "You know I don't go in for that."

"How come?" Matt asks seriously. "You hate New Year's that much?"

"I hate the concept," Jess says. "A new year doesn't change who I am or what I do. If I want to change something it'll happen but not because of some resolution."

The guys nod and Jess adds, "Besides, it's all some Hallmark capitalist crap."

Matt and Chris laugh, slapping his shoulder and start teasing him but Jess doesn't mind. This doesn't suck, he thinks. Having beer with friends on new year's is a decent way to celebrate, if he can call it that. Jess goes to the kitchen to grab some snacks and, looking out of the window, catches sight of some stars. They look less distant than before. Happy New Year, Jess thinks as he looks at them. Wherever you are, Happy New Year.