I am besieged! Evidently some of the 14 business cards that I could not recover after Emmett's money gun prank, have fallen into the possession of some less than virtuous members of the Forks High student body.
Day and night I have been interrupted whilst ruminating in front of my reliquary by lascivious propositions and embarrassingly unimaginative attempts at flirtation. No Jessica Stanley- I do not want to play tonsil tennis under the bleachers. Nor do shall I accept Lauren Mallory's invitation to contract mononucleosis in the back seat of her after Friday's football game, I have no doubt that whatever strain she is incubating is more potent than my venom and would surely strike me down.
A veritable hareem of libidinous strumpets has assembled. They all seem so horrifyingly well coordinated, leaving me with not a moment's peace, that I wonder if they are not working with a rota system. I have asked Jeeves on the internet how to delete my number from someone else's phone, but it was without success.
Another of Emmett's pointless and inane pranks has injured me most aggravatingly. Ever the eloquent orator, he proclaimed 'you've been single so long your dick's grown a hymen' and that I should thank him for bringing the ladies to my doorstep so I can 'pop that cherry before it shrivels up like a raisin'. I feel ladies is a real stretch to describe the individuals cold-calling me at all hours trying to besmirch my virtue. I have had just about enough of his nonsense! I must make haste if I am to make it to the gates of Volterra with my loins unpolluted!
A/N: Please leave a review! Massive thanks to the creative, kind and funny wh1teow1 for being my beta for this story. Please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade! Ooooooh, who do you think has the other cards? Will they call Edward?