Thankfully the house is quieter than it has been in many months now. Alice and Jasper have left to travel around Europe for some weeks. Emmett and Rosalie are visiting Isle Esme to enjoy the sun in seclusion and get away from my sullen influence.

Last night I told Carlisle that I had confessed all I could to her without revealing my vampirism. He said with his typical optimism that 'perhaps it's for the best, now you can have a clean slate' and that 'it could be worse'. Apparently 'now the thing to do is focus on staying positive. Happiness is a choice, just look at Emmett! He always has a smile on his face and a spring in his step'. I resisted mentioning the fact that Emmett is a potato. I'm sure I would be a disappointing potato, even if I could be like Emmett.

Carlisle says if I choose to, 'I can move on and find the silver lining' in this cloud, that 'there is no use crying over spilt milk' and 'soon everything will be back to normal'. He advised me not to think of myself too much and not to allow myself to wallow. Apparently 'everything happens for a reason'. He finished with 'why don't you play your piano? It's been sitting unused for a couple of weeks now.' I haven't played in months.

I nodded and left Carlisle's office at the first opportunity. His thoughts were brimming with misplaced hopes for how I will 'dust myself off from this misstep' and let it make me into a better man, one of whom he can be proud. He also seems to feel that this is going to happen any day now, especially now that I have 'cleared the air' with her. I did not recognise any aspect of the son he hopes to appear presently.

I feel badly that I will disappoint him on so many fronts.

Esme was outside of the office and pulled me into a hug. Her thoughts told me how he meant well and he loves me so deeply that he cannot bear to see me in this pain. She held me for a while, and I would have stayed there if I had not needed to put more physical distance between myself and Carlisle. I felt I needed to be in my closet, which seemed a little safer, even though it isn't logical at all to think so. I spend a lot of time lying in there of late.

With Carlisle working extra shifts to allow colleagues to vacation with their families, just Esme and I remain home most days. I am grateful for the peace and it is an indescribable relief not to have to pretend for everyone else's benefit unless I am directly in Carlisle or Esme's field of vision.

Trying to keep my face blank so as not to put a target on my back for Emmett and Rosalie's ridicule is exhausting. Controlling the swell and surge of my emotions around Jasper is exhausting. Being subject to Alice's boundless energy and constant suggestions for how I should change to become less like my cursed self is exhausting. Being in the midst of Carlisle's blind hopes for a newer, better son to suddenly appear is exhausting. Hearing him wish I were an entirely different person in every imaginable way is exhausting. Pretending to breathe, moving around, going to classes and being flooded by the thoughts, smells and sounds of others is exhausting.

When Esme sits with me I make sure to turn my face so she is not able to see it. She is too kind and I do not want to cause her further concern. I wish I did not need Esme's support to survive each day, I'm sure she has far better things to do with her time and energy, but I cannot do without her right now. I am totally dependent upon her, like some kind of parasite, soaking up her kindness in lieu of that which I am incapable of producing by myself.

I do wish so that I could sleep. Perhaps I should return to the ocean for a while. I must stay here in case she has a question I owe her an answer to though. No, I cannot leave.

My body still feels very foreign to me. I have no appetite and force myself to hunt merely to keep her safer than she would be if I were thirsty. Everything is flavourless and unappealing.

There is an ache in my stomach that never leaves. My movements feel slowed and there is a heaviness in my limbs that will not abate. I feel uncomfortable no matter how I sit or stand. My head hurts all the time and nothing I have tried to read seems to hold my focus.

I persistently feel as if I had just been punched in the chest.

It is not the first time I have felt like this, but it the worst by a very great margin. I did not bother to tell Carlisle when I spoke to him last night. It's not as if he could do anything, and even if he could, do I not deserve every bit of this disquiet?

I wish the awe and wonder I feel whenever something reminds me of her would lessen. I feel dirty, knowing how much she hates for me to have these feelings. I hate myself for them. I know no other word than love for them, but feel that love is cheapened by my claim to it.

A/N: Please leave a review! I'm glad Edward gets a break from school, he's not really up to being subjected to the torments of high school right now. I hope you're doing ok and Sadward isn't too upsetting to read. He will come through it a better man. I absolutely promise he will.

Massive thanks to the creative, kind and funny wh1teow1 for being beta for this story. Please show some love and read Moirai, a reimagining of Twilight for the new decade!

Just a reminder that Edward cannot continue being so atrocious to everyone indefinitely. It is time he ate some humble pie. He will come back to you in his trademark Bonerward/Prudeward style, but he needs to have a difficult adolescence first. Thanks for bearing with him.

I plan on uploading the chapters without comedy in batches so that those who are here for the laughs aren't too alienated by the tonal change and can whizz through them. I sincerely hope you will fall in love with him on the other side of all of this. The only way out is through.