Chapter 3: Don't Want to Live in Secret

"We're doomed, aren't we?"

It was one week later, back in her New York apartment. Monica was strewn across his chest, her head resting under Chandler's chin. They were blissfully naked and tangled under the sheets of her bed – what had rapidly and dizzyingly started to feel like their bed, and in such a short period of time.

Monica gazed wistfully, almost mournfully up at the ceiling. She would have long ago nodded off to the feeling of Chandler stroking her hair, were it not for this uncontrollable urge to say her piece.

From how she felt Chandler stiffen against her, she suddenly panicked at how he might misconstrue her words. How his fear of commitment could easily cause him to interpret this in completely the wrong way. Monica lifted her head, her dark hair falling like a curtain as she gazed down at her best friend. Her…. her lover….

It had taken much effort and coordination on their part, but she and Chandler had managed to share a bed each and every night since London, without fail. He almost always snuck over to her place, cleverly rationalizing it by saying Joey was a much heavier sleeper than Rachel.

There was a faithfulness to this ritual, of sharing a bed, that left Monica exhilarated. The consistency of it….. plus the convenience that the object of her desires lived only fifty feet away….. left Monica feeling hot and giddy and panting for more.

The romance of it all, and with Chandler, of all people, frightened her, just a little. At the same time, she had meant what she'd said when they had first kissed. This wasn't weird. This didn't feel weird at all.

And that, more than anything else, was what scared Monica the most.

Chandler was eyeing her warily. "This…. this isn't working for you….? You don't think that this will…?"

"God, no! No….. This is working very well!" Monica promised, blushing in the moonlight. She played absently with some of the hairs on his chest. "I tried to tell myself after London….. that I could stop."

Chandler nodded in understanding. "The not New York rule."

She chuckled ruefully. "Look how long that lasted!" Monica caressed Chandler's face, gazing down at him with something akin to wonder. "I thought I could….. But I can't stop. I don't want to stop. I – I won't stop! This…." She pointed between them. "It's….. it's wonderful." The thought of just how wonderful it was made her choke up, enough that actual tears sprung to her eyes. "It's too….. magical." She wiped at her eyes. "I've never been loved like this, Chandler. You're…. you're the best I've ever had."

Chandler gaped at her, and for a second, Monica feared that she had said too much. "I could pretend and say goodbye, to whatever this is…. but that would be lying. I'd be lying to myself, Chandler. I can't – I won't – stop wanting this. Wanting you. So why should I even try?"

Chandler swallowed. "And…. you don't want to try…?"

"To stop? God help me, no!" Monica breathed, drinking him in, her expression sick with love. Dipping her head, she kissed him sweetly. "Do…. do you?"

"No!"

She nodded, kissing him again. "…. But I also don't want to live like this. Sneaking around. Even if we're not lying to ourselves, Chandler – it's clear we both want this -…." She kissed him again. "…. We're still lying to our friends. To the people we love." She shook her head. "The last week, to everyone except each other, we've been living a lie. I couldn't keep that up. Could you?" She took a deep breath. "I want to tell the others. I…. I want to tell Ross. About us."

Chandler sat up. She had his attention now. "Your brother? Mon – I don't know what I would do. I don't know what to do. What…. what will he say? When he sees me around you?" He knew well Ross's temper. Once Ross knew that his best friend had been sleeping with his little sister….. "He'll kill me!"

Monica smiled reassuringly, pressing her hands lightly against his chest. "I'll talk to him," she soothed. "He'll be happy for us." She grinned, albeit weakly. "They all will."

"I thought the reason we didn't tell everyone was because we didn't want to make a big deal out of it."

"I understand that, but I think this already went past the point of not being a big deal a while ago." Monica eyed Chandler with heavy meaning. "Do you agree?"

He swallowed and nodded, despite how scared he was. "Yeah. It has." Even just agreeing with her assessment terrified him, but maybe for once, that terror could serve some useful purpose. Being scared that he was going to fuck this up, and their friendship along with it, meant he cared for Monica deeply – deeply enough that he wanted to make this work. He had to make this work – the last week had been nothing less than a dream. Heaven on earth.

Slowly, Chandler nodded. "OK. …. But can we compromise?" Blinking, she nodded. "We tell Ross – but only Ross…." At her confused frown, he kissed her. "For now. I want to take you on a date first before we let everyone else in on it. If we tried to go on a date with everyone knowing, there would be a lot of pressure."

He was only half-honest: even with just Ross knowing, there would already be pressure, but better to have that pressure come from just the one person who had the most to lose aside from them if this didn't work out, then having that pressure come from four people, a couple of whom were starry-eyed idealists when it came to romance.

Monica bit her lip, and nodded. "OK. I'll swear Ross to secrecy then."

Chandler beamed gratefully. "That's my girl."

Monica shivered at hearing him call her that, and she only turned into more of a puddle when they touched lips again.

"Ross? Can I talk to you for a second?"

It was a lazy weekend morning, and Monica was over at her brother's apartment on the other side of Bedford Street, bustling about and helping him tidy his place up. Other siblings might have been resentful to be picking up after each other, especially at their age, but Monica's neat-freak tendencies were such that she didn't mind. Ross could use the help, and he was genuinely grateful for it.

"Sure, Mon," Ross calmly stowed his paper. "What's up?"

His interest piqued by how his baby sister was curling into herself with a blush. Her smile was both meek and dazzling. "Well, I just…. you see…. I've…. I've fallen in love."

Ross stared at her. "You….. you what?"

If it were possible, Monica blushed harder. Ross peered at her. He had seen his sister in a love-struck, twitterpated tizzy before, often after that first date with some new guy. She had been this way with Richard, but never to this extent. And though it had taken awhile for her to become attracted to Pete, a spark had been there, however briefly before flaming out.

This… this was deeper, though, and Ross tried to picture where he had seen it before, if ever.

"Well….. who is he?" he smiled, trying to be happy for her, and he was. Monica giggled and shied away a little bit. "Anyone I know?"

Ironically, it was that question that jogged his memory. Suddenly, he recalled where he had seen Monica look like this.

It had been back when she had first been dating Kip. Ross's expression collapsed into a look of stone.

"Oh, Mon….. God, if you say you went and did something with Joey….!"

"No!" Monica yelped, and Ross was heartened by the disgust on her face. "No…."

Ross deflated with relief, but it was short-lived as Monica whispered out:

"It was with Chandler. I…. I've fallen in love with him!" A tiny giggle escaped her, and the beaming smile was back. "I love him!" she chirped, like she was savoring the words and how giving them voice had finally set her free, almost.

Ross saw red. He angrily leapt to his feet, his face contorting in outrage. "CHANDLER?!" Monica's effervescent expression fell at her brother's fury. "When did you…. how did you?... When the hell was this?!" he spluttered.

Monica ducked her head. "We slept together in London."

"In LONDON?!" Ross bellowed, and suddenly, the image of seeing Chandler alone – or what he had assumed was alone – in bed the morning of his wedding washed over him. Come to find out….. his best friend had been in bed with his kid sister! "I'm gonna kill him…. I'm…. I'm gonna kill him!" Ross decided on, his tone having reverted to a chilling calm.

"NO!" Monica danced over to the front door, blocking Ross's way as he prowled towards. "Ross, please…. please…. We're happy…. We're so happy…." He paused when he saw the absolute joy on her face.

But that didn't change the fact that…. "He's my best friend! You're my sister! My best friend and my sister! I – I cannot believe this! If he had any respect for me at all – hell, for you…!"

Monica gawked at him. "Chandler was a perfect gentleman!" Her smile got all goofy. "He…. he made love to me like a perfect gentleman….. and sometimes even more than that…."

"OK, I don't wanna know!" Ross bawled, shielding his hands in front of his face. He exhaled slowly, dropping his hands to his hips.

"So, what, are you here asking for my permission? My blessing?"

He was almost impressed by how Monica shook her head. He even had to respect her. Even if a permission or blessing was what she had been seeking, it wasn't as though he could stop her or Chandler from seeing each other if he said No. "I'm just giving you fair warning. It's been hard for us to see each other in secret without letting any of the rest of you know. I wanted to tell somebody, and Chandler agreed: if we had to tell anyone first, we figured it should be you." What she left unsaid was that they had decided on telling Ross first so that they could get telling the person who would react the worst out of the way.

Ross blinked. "So the others don't know?"

Monica shook her head. "Not yet. And you are not to tell them. You're sworn to secrecy." She eyed him hard.

Ross pouted, rolling his eyes like a petulant child. "….. Fine," he ground out.

Monica beamed. "Thank you." She hugged him.

"Has Chandler at least been good to you?"

"He's been perfect," Monica sighed. "He's going to take me out on our first date, and if it goes well….. which it should…. We'll tell the others."

Ross nodded slowly. "OK….." He breathed out, turning away in a kind of dazed shell shock. "OK…." His sister was just dating his best friend. No big deal. This wouldn't turn out like Kip – not at all….